Excerpt, entrance of new characters 1.4K

[Kylara]

Hi, this is what I'd call a second draft, still pretty rough in style, the plan for this part is sorted, but the writing isn't quite there. So feel free to critique all of it, but bear in mind it hasn't been edited too much, just fiddled with in places...This is the first time we meet these three characters in my WiP and hopefully the readers will be intrigued rather than annoyed at some of the vagueness, it's there for plot and will get gradually explained in the later sections containing these characters...any and all feedback is welcomed, on anything and everything...I've been struggling a bit with this part, so thought I'd ask for your brilliant opinions...sorry for typos and layout mistakes with my dialogue, it is something that I tend to change on whimsy...anyway, I hope it is readable...


The three horses cantered across the plains, their riders silent and unmoving. The largest, a huge black stallion bore to the right, flanked by the others. As the day moved towards its end, they came to one of the many low stone walls that dotted the landscape, and drew their horses to a halt. The black stallion took the lead once again, turning right to ride alongside the wall until finding a wooden gate. The younger flanking rider dismounted, speaking quietly to his blue roan before he left it standing by the others. He moved slowly to the gate, looking neither right nor left as he opened it for his companions. It never hurt to be overly cautious with these walls, well known to trap the unwary soul.



The second rider, a large well muscled man, walked over to the first and together started erecting their tent, being careful not to pitch it to close to the low wall. The final horseman was still mounted, a few paces from the gate, staring down the length of the wall. The other riders did not seem surprised at the lack of help from the rider of the black stallion, and once finished with the tent, picketed their horses together a little way off. They returned to the tent, discussing their direction. The third rider finally rode through the gate and dismounted in one fluid movement. The second rider walked over to the stallion, taking hold of it as it shifted uneasily near the wall; its rider relieving it of the saddlebags and putting up a smaller tent a short distance from the other.


'Do you want him picketed Tay?' His reply simply a glance and a sharp nod.
The roan rider was rifling through his packs, 'Hot or cold food tonight Zander?' he said, pulling out some bread. Zander looked over at the stallion's rider, who was staring into the distance once again.


'Hot. I'm chilled to the bone standing here. Have you got the tinder Lyx or have I?' fumbling at his belt until Lyx handed it over before traipsing off along the wall looking for firewood.


'Trees are that way Lyx, try there' Zander called after him. Lyx changed direction and headed towards the trees warily, fingering his sword.


A large bird flew overhead, cawing loudly and the black stallion shied, almost breaking free from his picket. Tay got up silently and stood by the stallion's head, stroking his forehead - the creature calmed almost immediately. Zander shook his head in awe,


'I don't know how you do it. It's like you touch them and they think their safe...even that time when we were surrounded by flaming arrows…' Tay smiled mournfully, leaving the stallion and returning to the saddlebags, rummaging around until a some cold ham was produced along with three flasks of water and another chunk of bread. Lyx had returned and was laying a fire, hacking at wood with a hatchet when the need arose. Zander untacked the horses, and put thin rugs on them to protect them from the cold, but still being able to ride them if they needed to flee.
After a meagre meal Lyx and Zander retreated to their tent, leaving Tay standing next to the stallion, staring into the distance again. It was not until two hours later that Tay entered the tent in the hope of a dreamless sleep.


The sun set slowly over the plains, and the first of the three moons rose awkwardly into the sky as if on badly oiled tracks. The sky faded from a soft green into the deep red of night. Nightbirds flew swiftly, looking for the carrion - untainted by magic - that would stay their hunger. Pale shadows illuminated the wall and faceless creatures travelled undaunted down its length, whispering quietly to each other in their chewed tongue as they passed the Tay's tent, as if afraid of waking the sleepers and being seen.


The black stallion reared as the third moon rose, climbing heavily up the sky. The other horses picked up on its distress as they too smelled the wild magic on the wind. The blue roan gave a piercing cry and the riders emerged from their tents, saw glowing sparks on the mounting wind and began to quickly pack up their camp. The stallion broke free and attempted to thunder toward the scant protection of the trees, but was halted mid stride with three feet off the ground as Tay walked toward him, carrying a saddle and packs. The horse came back to life as Tay mounted, continuing its charge but in a different direction . The other riders followed the stallion as they rushed from the oncoming magic and its keeper.


The horses ran all night, fleeing from the one constant in their world - magic. As they crested a hill the next morning, the riders drew their steaming beasts to a halt and stared down the slope at a town.


'Looks happy doesn't it.' Lyx turned to zander, 'They'll never know what's coming unless we tell them…' he trailed off as he saw Tay's head shaking, 'but, but they don't have to die Tay. We could save them.' the last four words in a hopeless whisper as Tay looked at him sadly.


Zander twisted in his saddle, 'We can't Lyx. We could save them today , but another would come when we're gone. They're dead anyway; there's nothing we can do. If we help, we'll never get free of them. And we would be searched. You know what would happen if they found us.'


'But Zander, couldn't we -'


'No. we must leave them behind'


He turned back to Tay, but saw only the stallion beside him. He swung around wildly, searching for any clue as to where Tay had gone, when he saw a lone figure in a long tan coat walking up the hill carrying a large bag. Zander relaxed and sheathed his sword, riding down with the stallion at his side, and Lyx following.


Tay vaulted onto the horse, handed the sack to Lyx and there was such an air of melacholy surrounding the rider that neither Lyx nor Zander questioned how the distance to the town and back had been covered so swiftly nor how the supplies had been aquired. Tay rode in front, as usual, staring straight ahead as they skirted the doomed town, continuing their journey to the woods outside Mitha.


The cyan sun was at its zenith the next day when the riders finally stopped for a rest. They dismounted and let their horses eat the lush grass, but not setting up camp or unsaddling their rides; they knew the horses would not stray far, they had been trained by Tay. Suddenly the roan gave a loud dry and the riders stood, looking around wordlessly as the horse began to graze again. There, faint pale blue sparks on the wind, pale blue signalling a tamed magic sent on an errand. The sparks grew brighter as they neared the riders and began to swirl in a wide spiral to form a low squat shape of pure magic. A large grey eye formed, followed by a delicate nose and a carefully sculpted mouth, four short legs and two very humanoid arms complete with hands and fingers.


'Greetings friends,' the mouth formed and spoke the words with a disconnection that was added to by the fact that the speaker was female. Lyx glanced quickly at Zander, this was not a memorised message, this was being spoken directly to them by this woman. The rceature was just an easier way to find them so they could hear what she had to say. That required a strong magic and a strong will to speak through the magic with such clarity and control.


'I bring news from Gutha. You are needed by the council. You must make haste to the city. They urgently need your magics. The youngest will be helped in his capture. We will allow a medium strength magic. You must come. It is…' the faded as her strength failed, the creature grinned and began to unmake itself, spinning once more into the pale blue sparks before speeding back across the plain.


'The amount of magic needed for that...huge!' Zander turned to Lyx, 'You're lucky that the council will aid you, your magic will be captured quickly' he smiled suddenly, remembering his own month of tracking the perfect magic and the three days it took to capture, 'We must hurry.'


They mounted and set off once more over the grassland, heading this time towards Gutha and the council.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

You're very brave...



The second rider, a large well muscled man, walked over to the first and together started erecting their tent, being careful not to pitch it to close to the low wall. The final horseman was still mounted, a few paces from the gate, staring down the length of the wall. The other riders did not seem surprised at the lack of help from the rider of the black stallion, and once finished with the tent, picketed their horses together a little way off. They returned to the tent, discussing their direction. The third rider finally rode through the gate and dismounted in one fluid movement. The second rider walked over to the stallion, taking hold of it as it shifted uneasily near the wall; its rider relieving it of the saddlebags and putting up a smaller tent a short distance from the other.probably a bit too many actions for me at this stage, the first, the third, etc. etc, but that's a personal preference thing, i think.


'Do you want him picketedcomma? Tay?' His reply simply a glance and a sharp nod.I think the his reply was simply a glance is a new paragraph. Plus, I'm not sure who replied.
The roan riderroan's rider, I think, since the man isn't roan? was rifling through his packs, 'Hot or cold food tonightagain, I think this is a comma, but I'm hoping one of the punctuation guys confirms this. It's like yes, sir, you have a comma before the name to ascribe? Zander?' he said, pulling out some bread. Zander looked over at the stallion's rider, who was staring into the distance once again.


'Hot. I'm chilled to the bone standing here. Have you got the tinder Lyx or have I?' Because fumbling isn't a dialogue tag I think is should be ?" He fumbled.... I'm still not really sure which rider is which because I've gone from the horse colours to identify, to a number, to a name, and I'm struggling to work out which is which. fumbling at his belt until Lyx handed it over before traipsing off along the wall looking for firewood.


'Trees are that way Lyx, try therecomma' Zander called after himthey're using each others name a lot in dialogue, and it doesn't feel natural. . Lyx changed direction and headed towards the trees warily, fingering his sword.


A large bird flew overhead, cawing loudly and the black stallion shied, almost breaking free from his picket. Tay got up silently and stood by the stallion's head, stroking his forehead - the creature calmed almost immediately. new paragraph here and you can keep the comma. Zander shook his head in awe,


'I don't know how you do it. It's like you touch them and they think their safe...even that time when we were surrounded by flaming arrows…' Tay smiled mournfully, leaving the stallion and returning to the saddlebags, rummaging around until a some cold ham was produced along with three flasks of water and another chunk of bread. Lyx had returned and was laying a fire, hacking at wood with a hatchet when the need arose. Zander untacked the horses, and put thin rugs on them to protect them from the cold, but still being able to ride them if they needed to flee.something odd about that last sentence, maybe leaving them still able to be ridden? I think it's a tense thing, but I'mm not sure.
After a meagre meal Lyx and Zander retreated to their tent, leaving Tay standing next to the stallion, staring into the distance again. It was not until two hours later that Tay entered the tent in the hope of a dreamless sleep.Sorry, I'm definitely confused which is which. the one on the black stallion who wouldn't help intrigued me, but I'm not sure which it is.


The sun set slowly over the plains, and the first of the three moons rose awkwardly into the sky as if on badly oiled tracks.like this image The sky faded from a soft green into the deep red of night. Nightbirds flew swiftly, looking for the carrion - untainted by magic - that would stay their hunger. Pale shadows illuminated the wall and faceless creatures travelled undaunted down its length, whispering quietly to each other in their chewed tongue as they passed the Tay's tent, as if afraid of waking the sleepers and being seen.in fact, I like the whole paragraph.


The black stallion reared as the third moon rose,but now I'm pulled out - I thought it had already risen? climbing heavily up the sky. The other horses picked up on its distress as they too smelled the wild magic on the wind. The blue roan gave a piercing cry and the riders emerged from their tents, saw glowing sparks on the mounting wind and began to quickly pack up their camp. The stallion broke free and attempted to thunder toward the scant protection of the trees, but was halted mid stride with three feet off the ground as Tay walked toward him, carrying a saddle and packs. The horse came back to life as Tay mounted, continuing its charge but in a different direction . The other riders followed the stallion as they rushed from the oncoming magic and its keeper.


The horses ran all night, fleeing from the one constant in their world - magic. As they crested a hill the next morning, the riders drew their steaming beasts to a halt and stared down the slope at a town.


'Looks happy doesn't it.' Lyx turned to zZander, 'They'll never know what's coming unless we tell them…' he trailed off as he saw Tay's head shaking, 'but, but they don't have to die Tay. We could save them.' Here a capital (the full stop at the end of the dialogue means it can't run on)the last four words were a? to keep with the new sentence at the?in a hopeless whisper as Tay looked at him sadly.


Zander twisted in his saddle, 'We can't Lyx. We could save them today , but another would come when we're gone. They're dead anyway; there's nothing we can do. If we help, we'll never get free of them. And we would be searched. You know what would happen if they found us.'


'But Zander, couldn't we -'


'No. we must leave them behindfullstop'


He turned back to Tay, but saw only the stallion beside him. He swung around wildly, searching for any clue as to where Tay had gone, when he saw a lone figure in a long tan coat walking up the hill carrying a large bag. Zander relaxed and sheathed his sword, riding down with the stallion at his side, and Lyx following.


Tay vaulted onto the horse, handed the sack to Lyx and there was such an air of melacholy surrounding the rider that neither Lyx nor Zander questioned how the distance to the town and back had been covered so swiftly nor how the supplies had been aquired. Tay rode in front, as usual, staring straight ahead as they skirted the doomed town, continuing their journey to the woods outside Mitha.Hmmm, I'm thinking at this stage that the mysteriousness isn't adding anything for me. Whilst I know a reveal may be hidden, to let me know something else is going on, but deliberately withhold it, I think I'd be wondering am I being played with?


The cyan sun was at its zenith the next day when the riders finally stopped for a rest. They dismounted and let their horses eat the lush grass, but not setting up camp or unsaddling their rides; they knew the horses would not stray far, they had been trained by Tay. Suddenly the roan gave a loud dry and the riders stood, looking around wordlessly as the horse began to graze again. There, faint pale blue sparks on the wind, pale blue signalling a tamed magic sent on an errand. The sparks grew brighter as they neared the riders and began to swirl in a wide spiral to form a low squat shape of pure magic. A large grey eye formed, followed by a delicate nose and a carefully sculpted mouth, four short legs and two very humanoid arms complete with hands and fingers.


'Greetings friends,' the mouth formed and spoke the words with a disconnection that was added to by the fact that the speaker was female. Lyx glanced quickly at Zander,something stronger than a comma here? this was not a memorised message, this was being spoken directly to them by this woman. The rceature was just an easier way to find them so they could hear what she had to say. That required a strong magic and a strong will to speak through the magic with such clarity and control.a little bit of telling this last little bit. The earlier part was showing so well.


'I bring news from Gutha. You are needed by the council. You must make haste to the city. They urgently need your magics. The youngest will be helped in his capture. We will allow a medium strength magic. You must come. It is…' the faded as her strength failed, the creature grinned and began to unmake itself, spinning once more into the pale blue sparks before speeding back across the plain.


'The amount of magic needed for that...huge!'Zander - this is a more engaging way of telling me, so I don't think you need the earlier tell. turned to Lyx,full stop - you have an action rather than a dialogue discriptor. 'You're lucky that the council will aid you, your magic will be captured quicklyfull stop' He he smiled suddenly, remembering his own month of tracking the perfect magic and the three days it took to capture, 'We must hurry.'


They mounted and set off once more over the grassland, heading this time towards Gutha and the council.[/QUOTE]

There are some really nice descriptions here, and I get the sense that the characters are well thought out and will be interesting. The little bit of intrigue in the middle didn't add anything for me. The dialogue punctuation is a little out, there's a mix of action and dialogue tags that mix each other's punctuation, but it's an easy fix. I'd happily read on, the story has intrigued me, but I still haven't entirely worked out which rider is which.

 

[allmywires]

Hiya Kylara - just a few points from me as I'm a bit short on time.

I know you say it hasn't been edited too much but please be careful of punctuating in speech - you're sometimes missing punctuation before your speech tags, and things like this:

'Do you want him picketed Tay?'

should be 'Do you want him picketed, Tay?'

I liked the beginning, but you did begin to lose me quite shortly after - there's a lot of telling, no showing. (I get this said to me a lot, so I've become much more critical of it!) I think there's always a need to set the scene but for me the vagueness doesn't quite work as there's little to no tension - small talk, making camp. You could perhaps make more of the eeriness of the night right at the beginning, for example.

Honestly, I have to say I'm not a huge fan of it-is-destined-so-we-have-no-choice situations, and their conversation about saving the town seemed a tad cliche to me. Also, the summons seemed a little flat - I know it's meant to sound formal, but you could play around with the sentences a little.

Just off the top of my head:

'I bring news from Gutha. You are needed by the council. You must make haste to the city - they urgently need your magics, of which we will allow a medium strength. The youngest will be helped in his capture.' The voice began to lose clarity, the words beginning to fade, desperation clear in the tone. 'You must come. It is of the utmost importance. You must…' The voice cut out abruptly as her strength failed and the creature grinned, starting to unmake itself, spinning once more into the pale blue sparks before speeding back across the plain.

(I rewrote the last sentence because I didn't quite understand it.)

There are also general punctuation points that need to be edited, but I'm sure you'll pick up on that on a second read-through.

Overall, needs polishing and increased tension but I would read on, good luck with it and hope my ramblings made sense...

 

[Kylara]

Thanks springs! Hah yeah, the issue with the dialogue tags and punctuation is something that changes everytime I rewrite...I don't normally have so much writing in between my dialogue...I chose a premise that requires the distance else half my plot goes up the spout, hence the numbered riders and the colours and the names...in my first draft they were described with their horses in the first paragraph but I killed that..his disappearance I should have mentioned at the beginning, it is something only certain characters can do and will have been mentioned earlier in the WiP, so the reader will know a little about it, but the companions won't, if that makes sense...glad you like my world building, I love doing those bits, I have pages of random descriptions everywhere, just floating about that need to go in, the moons are a trio, rising at different times during the night...they actually change the colour of the darkness but that isn't in this section...haha I'm not great at remembering to mention what has been covered previous to this excerpt...glad you are intrigued though! That's brilliant, exactly what I was hoping for...
@allmywires, yeah, my dialogue tags and punctuation is something that I know, but tend to forget until someone points it out...the whole magics thing will make sense I promise...some of the weird bits are plot points really, but the problem I am having is exactly that, it needs to be there so I tell, instead of show, made doubly hard by the distance a certain character requires...

P.S. the blue creature is a captured magic, being controlled over a (very) long distance by the woman, hence the short sentences - very difficult to control and keep it from going off and doing it's own thing...and the whole materialising/dematerialising...

 

[Bowler1]

The three horses canteredacross the plains, their riders silent and unmoving. The largest, a huge blackstallion bore to the right, flanked by the Three horses, so the middle one would be flanked others.As the day moved towards its end, they came to one of the many low stone wallsthat dotted the landscape, and drew their horses to a halt. The black stalliontook the lead once again, turning right to ride alongside the wall untilfinding a wooden gate. The younger flanking rider dismounted, speaking quietlyto his blue roan before he left it standing by the others. He moved slowly tothe gate, looking neither right nor left as he opened it for his companions. Itnever hurt to be overly cautious with these walls, well known to trap theunwary soul.

The horses moving but theriders not moving was disconcerting! The horses stopped, turned and I assume moved again then stopped at a gate. I have big issues with movement here and how it feels.

The second rider, a large wellmuscled man, walked over to the first and together started erecting their tent,being careful not to pitch it to close to the low wall. The final horseman wasstill mounted, a few paces from the gate, staring down the length of the wall.The other riders did not seem surprised at the lack of help from the rider ofthe black stallion, and once finished with the tent, picketed their horsestogether a little way off. They returned to the tent, discussing theirdirection. The third rider finally rode through the gate and dismounted in onefluid movement. The second rider walked over to the stallion, taking hold of itas it shifted uneasily near the wall; its rider relieving it of the saddlebagsand putting up a smaller tent a short distance from the other.
I’m lost, I have no idea who is who!

'Do you want him picketed Tay?' said who?

His reply simply a glance anda sharp nod. New character so I’d like a new line.
The roan rider was rifling throughhis packs, 'Hot or cold food tonight Zander?' he said, pulling out some bread. Why have you not named the rider?

Zander looked over at thestallion's rider, who was staring into the distance once again.
With each character action a separate lines would make it clear to the reader when you have moved.


'Hot. I'm chilled to the bonestanding here. Have you got the tinder Lyx or have I?' fumbling at his beltuntil Lyx handed it over before traipsing off along the wall looking forfirewood.

Who is this?


'Trees are that way Lyx, try there'Zander called after him. Lyx changed direction and headed towards the treeswarily, fingering his sword.

Trees? You’ve not given me any description of the land around them which would help me picture where the riders are.


A large bird flew overhead, cawingloudly and the black stallion shied, almost breaking free from his picket. Taygot up silently and stood by the stallion's head, stroking his forehead - thecreature calmed almost immediately. Zander shook his head in awe,


'I don't know how you do it. It'slike you touch them and they think their safe...even that time when we weresurrounded by flaming arrows…' Tay smiled mournfully, leaving the stallion andreturning to the saddlebags, rummaging around until a some cold ham wasproduced along with three flasks of water and another chunk of bread. Lyx hadreturned and was laying a fire, hacking at wood with a hatchet when the needarose. Zander untacked the horses, and put thin rugs on them to protect themfrom the cold, but still being able to ride them if they needed to flee.
After a meagre meal Lyx and Zanderretreated to their tent, leaving Tay standing next to the stallion, staringinto the distance again. It was not until two hours later that Tay entered thetent in the hope of a dreamless sleep.
This feels very jumpy, was there no conversation during the meal? Tay is standing then sleeping!


The sun set slowly over the plains, Trees!!! andthe first of the three moons rose awkwardly Moons are in a stable orbit, why would it be awkwardly?into the sky as if on badly oiled tracks. The sky faded from a soft green intothe deep red of night. Nightbirds flew swiftly, looking for the carrion -untainted by magic - that would stay their hunger. Pale shadows illuminated thewall and faceless creatures travelled undaunted down its length, whisperingquietly to each other in their chewed tongue as they passed the Tay's tent, asif afraid of waking the sleepers and being seen.
I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me by the end of this section.

The black stallion reared as thethird moon rose, climbing heavily up the sky. The other horses picked up on itsdistress as they too smelled the wild magic on the wind. The blue roan gave apiercing cry and the riders emerged from their tents, saw glowing sparks on themounting wind and began to quickly pack up their camp. The stallion broke freeand attempted to thunder toward the scant protection of the trees, but washalted mid stride with three feet off the ground as Tay walked toward him,carrying a saddle and packs. The horse came back to life as Tay mounted,continuing its charge but in a different direction . The other riders followedthe stallion as they rushed from the oncoming magic and its keeper.
This section is difficult for me as well. I’m having a lot of difficulty with the movement you’re describing. This is telling with no character POV and no dialogue from the characters which feels odd.

The horses ran all night, fleeingfrom the one constant in their world - magic. As they crested a hill the nextmorning, the riders drew their steaming beasts to a halt and stared down theslope at a town.
No tension as you’ve not given me any reason to worry about magic.


Kylara, this was mostly telling broken up by disjointed dialogue that felt un-natural. Do we need to be told horses moved here, then stopped, moved again before running a bit - or – three horse men travelled across the wide plains – and let the reader fill in some of the blanks? You’re working very hard at moving your characters across your landscape and forgot to introduce the characters to the reader. This means the characters feel like cardboard cut outs and there is no depth to them. Sentence structure worried me (hopefully someone with good technical skills will be along soon to help) and caused me problems. When you do descriptions a lot of them feel over worked and distract me from the plot being developed.

You have ideas that seem good but it feels like you’re in a rush to push on with your idea and have forgotten about the reader.

Your most critical reader should be the first one to ever read your words – that by the way has to be you.

 

[Kylara]

haha yes, I have been struggling with this bit for weeks, this is one of many different versions, I have been getting frustrated with it, which is probably where the terrible sentence structure has come from, the lack of dialogue from certain characters is purposeful, and some of the magic stuff is previously explained...I'm just surprised no-one has commented on any tense jumping which is a big issue for me...I have cut out a load of scenery, as it goes on a bit, nicely written (imo) but takes a lot...the moons are also covered earlier (again with the wild magics and stuff connected to that - large sky magics...that sort of thing). I may have gone a little too horsey with the unmoving...something all riders strive for, to seem unmoving on your horse, the stallion is in the middle, and bearing around to the right...eugh in cutting stuff out I seem to lose important bits, but it needed tightening, *sigh* I shall take a look at the original, editing and reworking are not my strong suits! Hopefully, if I post some more excerpts (shorter probably) with dialogue, you'll enjoy it, this entire piece it out of my comfort zone, haha thought I'd post the bit I struggle with first, and then hopefully the next bits will look better :wink:

 

[alchemist]

The three horses cantered across the plains, their riders silent and unmoving well, technically they aren't as they're bouncing up and down. Another word may suit better. The largest, a huge black stallion bore to the right, flanked by the others. As the day moved towards its end, they came to one of the many low stone walls that dotted the landscape,drop comma and drew their horses to a halt. The black stallion took the lead this gives the impression the horse is making the decisions once again, turning right to ride alongside the wall until finding a wooden gate. The younger flanking rider dismounted, speaking quietly to his blue roan before he left it standing by the others. He moved slowly to the gate, looking neither right nor left as he opened it for his companions. It never hurt to be overly cautious with these walls, well known to trap the unwary soul.



The second rider, a large well muscled man, walked over to the first and together started erecting their tent, being careful not to pitch it to close to the low having told us already it's low, this one is unnecessary wall. The final horseman was still mounted, a few paces from the gate, staring down the length of the wall. The other riders did not seem surprised at the lack of help from the rider of the black stallion, and once finished with the tent, picketed their horses together a little way off. They returned to the tent, discussing their direction. The third rider finally rode through the gate and dismounted in one fluid movement. The second rider walked over to the stallion, taking hold of it as it shifted uneasily near the wall; its rider relieving it of the saddlebags and putting up a smaller tent a short distance from the other.
I'm seeing a lot of "rider", probably too much

'Do you want him picketed Tay?' His reply simply a glance and a sharp nod.
The roan rider was rifling through his packs, 'Hot or cold food tonight Zander?' he said, pulling out some bread. Zander looked over at the stallion's rider, who was staring into the distance once again.


'Hot. I'm chilled to the bone standing here. Have you got the tinder Lyx or have I?' fumbling at his belt until Lyx handed it over before traipsing off along the wall looking for firewood. the name dropping, particularly Lyx, seems forced and unnatural. You appear to be doing omniscient POV. You could just name them e.g. Lyx dismounted....


'Trees are that way Lyx, try there' Zander called after him. Lyx changed direction and headed towards the trees warily, fingering his sword.


A large bird flew overhead, cawing loudly and the black stallion shied, almost breaking free from his picket. Tay got up silently and stood by the stallion's head, stroking his forehead - the creature calmed almost immediately. Zander shook his head in awe,full stop


'I don't know how you do it. It's like you touch them and they think their safe...even that time when we were surrounded by flaming arrows…' is that Zander speaking? If so, it should be joined to the "Zander shook..." sentence and separated from the next one Tay smiled mournfully, leaving the stallion and returning to the saddlebags, rummaging around until a some drop some cold ham was produced along with three flasks of water and another chunk of bread. Lyx had returned and was laying a fire, hacking at wood with a hatchet when the need arose. Zander untacked the horses, and put thin rugs on them to protect them from the cold, but still being able to ride them if they needed to flee.
After a meagre meal Lyx and Zander retreated to their tent, leaving Tay standing next to the stallion, staring into the distance again. It was not until two hours later that Tay entered the tent in the hope of a dreamless sleep.


The sun set slowly over the plains, and the first of the three moons rose awkwardly into the sky as if on badly oiled tracksnot sure what you're getting at here. It suggests...noise . The sky faded from a soft green into the deep red of night. interesting Nightbirds flew swiftly, looking for the carrion - untainted by magic - that would stay their hunger. Pale shadows illuminated the wall and faceless creatures travelled undaunted down its length, whispering quietly to each other in their chewed tongue as they passed the drop the Tay's tent, as if afraid of waking the sleepers and being seen.


The black stallion reared as the third moon rose, climbing heavily up the sky. The other horses picked up on its distress as they too smelled the wild magic on the wind. The blue roan gave a piercing cry and the riders emerged from their tents, saw glowing sparks on the mounting wind and began to quickly pack up their campI'd want some reaction from the characters. Are they panicked or is this commonplace? . The stallion broke free and attempted to thunder toward the scant protection of the trees, but was halted mid stride with three feet off the ground as Tay walked toward him, carrying a saddle and packs. The horse came back to life as Tay mounted, continuing its charge but in a different direction . The other riders followed the stallion as they rushed from the oncoming magic and its keeper.

<snip> Sorry, ran out of time

I haven't looked at anyone else's comments yet, but the thing that stands out for me is the omniscient POV. It's quite unusual these days, but it can work sometimes. Here, it doesn't really do the job for me, because I get the feeling I should be learning things about these guys, but I'm quite distanced from them. The story does seem interesting, though, so keep it up

 

[Abernovo]

Hi, Kylara.
I'm interested. I like the premise that it's setting up and you've got some great description in there. Which is why I feel you need a little more description for the characters. It's nothing to do with any 'vagueness' as you put it. I can handle not knowing everything about them. But I can't always tell one from the other at the moment. Perhaps instead of 'he did this' or 'Tay did that', you could add a couple of descriptors, showing the relationships between them - the older man, the taller, darker, blue-coated, etc. Other than that minor issue (which might simply be my own reading preference), I'm liking this.

I've used
Red for any issues and
Blue for any suggestions or comments.

Any comment or suggestion I have made is purely my own opinion, so take it with a pinch of salt. You will have much better insights into your own story than I will. Looking forward to reading more in the future. Best of luck.

Hi, this is what I'd call a second draft, still pretty rough in style, the plan for this part is sorted, but the writing isn't quite there. So feel free to critique all of it, but bear in mind it hasn't been edited too much, just fiddled with in places...This is the first time we meet these three characters in my WiP and hopefully the readers will be intrigued rather than annoyed at some of the vagueness, it's there for plot and will get gradually explained in the later sections containing these characters...any and all feedback is welcomed, on anything and everything...I've been struggling a bit with this part, so thought I'd ask for your brilliant opinions...sorry for typos and layout mistakes with my dialogue, it is something that I tend to change on whimsy...anyway, I hope it is readable...


The three horses cantered across the plains, their riders silent and unmoving. The largest, a huge black stallion bore to the right, flanked by the others.

'followed' perhaps? Otherwise all three horses simply bear right together.

As the day moved towards its end, they came to one of the many low stone walls that dotted the landscape, and drew their horses to a halt. The black stallion took the lead once again, turning right to ride alongside the wall until finding a wooden gate. The younger, flanking, rider dismounted, speaking quietly to his blue roan before he left it standing by the others. He moved slowly to the gate, looking neither right nor left as he opened it for his companions. It never hurt to be overly cautious with these walls, well known to trap the unwary soul.

A minor issue, but do they halt, or do they continue in the highlighted section? I think it's a pause, but I'm not quite sure.

The second rider, a large well muscled man, walked over to the first and together started erecting their tent, being careful not to pitch it to close to the low wall. The final horseman was still mounted, a few paces from the gate, staring down the length of the wall. The other riders did not seem surprised at the lack of help from the rider of the black stallion, and once finished with the tent, picketed their horses together a little way off. They returned to the tent, discussing their direction. The third rider finally rode through the gate and dismounted in one fluid movement. The second rider walked over to the stallion, taking hold of it as it shifted uneasily near the wall; its rider relieving it of the saddlebags and putting up a smaller tent a short distance from the other.

I'm a little confused by the first rider, the second rider, etc. Is there another word, other than rider, you could use here to distinguish them?

'Do you want him picketed, Tay?' His reply simply a glance and a sharp nod.
The roan rider was rifling through his packs, 'Hot or cold food tonight Zander?' he said, pulling out some bread. Zander looked over at the stallion's rider, who was staring into the distance once again.


'Hot. I'm chilled to the bone standing here. Have you got the tinder, Lyx or have I?' Fumbling at his belt until Lyx handed it over before traipsing off along the wall looking for firewood.


'Trees are that way, Lyx,Full stop. Try there,' Zander called after him. Lyx changed direction and headed towards the trees warily, fingering his sword.


A large bird flew overhead, cawing loudly and the black stallion shied, almost breaking free from his picket. Tay got up silently and stood by the stallion's head, stroking his forehead - the creature calmed almost immediately. Zander shook his head in awe,


'I don't know how you do it. It's like you touch them and they think their safe...even that time when we were surrounded by flaming arrows…' Tay smiled mournfully, leaving the stallion and returning to the saddlebags, rummaging around until a some cold ham was produced along with three flasks of water and another chunk of bread. Lyx had returned and was laying a fire, hacking at wood with a hatchet when the need arose. Zander untacked the horses, and put thin rugs on them to protect them from the cold, but still being able to ride them if they needed to flee.
After a meagre meal Lyx and Zander retreated to their tent, leaving Tay standing next to the stallion, staring into the distance again. It was not until two hours later that Tay entered the tent in the hope of a dreamless sleep.


The sun set slowly over the plains, and the first of the three moons rose awkwardly into the sky as if on badly oiled tracks. The sky faded from a soft green into the deep red of night. Nightbirds flew swiftly, looking for the carrion - untainted by magic - that would stay their hunger. Pale shadows illuminated the wall and faceless creatures travelled undaunted down its length, whispering quietly to each other in their chewed tongue as they passed the Tay's tent, as if afraid of waking the sleepers and being seen.

I love the description in this last paragraph.

The black stallion reared as the third moon rose, climbing heavily up the sky. The other horses picked up on its distress as they too smelled the wild magic on the wind. The blue roan gave a piercing cry and the riders emerged from their tents, saw glowing sparks on the mounting wind and began to quickly pack up their camp. The stallion broke free and attempted to thunder toward the scant protection of the trees, but was halted mid stride with three feet off the ground as Tay walked toward him, carrying a saddle and packs. The horse came back to life as Tay mounted, continuing its charge but in a different direction . The other riders followed the stallion as they rushed from the oncoming magic and its keeper.


The horses ran all night, fleeing from the one constant in their world - magic. As they crested a hill the next morning, the riders drew their steaming beasts to a halt and stared down the slope at a town.


'Looks happy doesn't it?' Lyx turned to zander, 'They'll never know what's coming unless we tell them…' he trailed off as he saw Tay's head shaking. 'But, but they don't have to die Tay. We could save them.' The last four words in a hopeless whisper as Tay looked at him sadly.


Zander twisted in his saddle, 'We can't, Lyx. We could save them today , but another would come when we're gone. They're dead anyway; there's nothing we can do. If we help, we'll never get free of them. And we would be searched. You know what would happen if they found us.'


'But Zander, couldn't we -?'


'No. we must leave them behind.'


He turned back to Tay, but saw only the stallion beside him. He swung around wildly, searching for any clue as to where Tay had gone, when he saw a lone figure in a long tan coat walking up the hill carrying a large bag. Zander relaxed and sheathed his sword, riding down with the stallion at his side, and Lyx following.


Tay vaulted onto the horse, handed the sack to Lyx and there was such an air of melacholy surrounding the rider that neither Lyx nor Zander questioned how the distance to the town and back had been covered so swiftly nor how the supplies had been aquired. Tay rode in front, as usual, staring straight ahead as they skirted the doomed town, continuing their journey to the woods outside Mitha.


The cyan sun was at its zenith the next day when the riders finally stopped for a rest. They dismounted and let their horses eat the lush grass, but not setting up camp or unsaddling their rides; they knew the horses would not stray far, they had been trained by Tay. Suddenly the roan gave a loud dry and the riders stood, looking around wordlessly as the horse began to graze again. There, faint pale blue sparks on the wind, pale blue signalling a tamed magic sent on an errand. The sparks grew brighter as they neared the riders and began to swirl in a wide spiral to form a low squat shape of pure magic. A large grey eye formed, followed by a delicate nose and a carefully sculpted mouth, four short legs and two very humanoid arms complete with hands and fingers.


'Greetings friends.' The mouth formed and spoke the words with a disconnection that was added to by the fact that the speaker was female. Lyx glanced quickly at Zander, this was not a memorised message, this was being spoken directly to them by this woman. The rceature was just an easier way to find them so they could hear what she had to say. That required a strong magic and a strong will to speak through the magic with such clarity and control.

I've capitalised 'The' as it's not a direct speech tag, it's an observation. Tiny typo in red. We've all been there.

'I bring news from Gutha. You are needed by the council. You must make haste to the city. They urgently need your magics. The youngest will be helped in his capture. We will allow a medium strength magic. You must come. It is…' the (voice?) faded as her strength failed, the creature grinned and began to unmake itself, spinning once more into the pale blue sparks before speeding back across the plain.

This speech seems a little staccato to me. It gets the message across and moves the story along, but it could maybe flow slightly smoother.

'The amount of magic needed for that...huge!' Zander turned to Lyx, 'You're lucky that the council will aid you, your magic will be captured quickly' he smiled suddenly, remembering his own month of tracking the perfect magic and the three days it took to capture, 'We must hurry.'


They mounted and set off once more over the grassland, heading this time towards Gutha and the council.

 

[Hex]

The three horses cantered across the plains, their riders silent and unmoving. [I agree with alc that 'unmoving' isn't the best word you could have here, since obviously they are moving -- across the plains, for one thing, and up and down and whatnot as well] The largest, a huge black stallion[comma] bore to the right, flanked by the others. As the day moved towards its end, they [I'd like 'the riders' or something since you've got the bit about the day in between and the last 'they' was the horses, but in this sentence 'they' is the riders] came to one of the many low stone walls that dotted the landscape, and drew their horses to a halt. The black stallion took the lead once again, turning right to ride [does the stallion 'ride'?] alongside the wall until finding [and does he find the gate (more likely) or does his rider?] a wooden gate. The younger flanking rider dismounted, speaking quietly to his blue roan before he left it standing by the others. He moved slowly to the gate, looking neither right nor left as he opened it for his companions. It never hurt to be overly cautious with these walls, well known to trap the unwary soul. [nice -- that's interesting]

The second rider, a large [comma]well [hyphen?]muscled man, walked over to the first [I think you'd make the passage easier if you had some identification for the riders. 'First' made me wonder] and together [they] started erecting their tent, being careful not to pitch it to[too] close to the low wall. The final horseman was still mounted, a few paces from the gate, staring down the length of the wall. The other riders did not seem surprised at the lack of help from the rider of the black stallion, and once finished with the tent, picketed their horses together a little way off. They returned to the tent, discussing their direction. The third rider finally rode through the gate and dismounted in one fluid movement. The second rider [yeah -- defining them as 'first', 'second' etc is really confusing] walked over to the stallion, taking hold of it as it shifted uneasily near the wall; its rider relieving it of the saddlebags and putting up a smaller tent a short distance from the other.[I could be wrong but I think the implication of using all these '-ing's is that all the actions happen at the same time -- ie: the rider takes the horse's saddlebags off and at the same time puts up his tent. Here's a link to TJ's post on this (I think) in the Toolbox: Participal clauses -- no.2 is the relevant one]

'Do you want him picketed Tay?' His reply simply a glance and a sharp nod.[not clear who's speaking here -- not clear who anyone is, honestly]
The roan rider was rifling through his packs, 'Hot or cold food tonight Zander?' he said, pulling out some bread. Zander looked over at the stallion's rider, who was staring into the distance once again.

'Hot. I'm chilled to the bone standing here. Have you got the tinder[comma] Lyx or have I?' [feels like there should be a 'he asked' or 'he said' here] fumbling at his belt until Lyx handed it [it= the tinder? does it mean tinder box (because isn't tinder bits of sticks?] over before traipsing off along the wall looking for firewood.

'Trees are that way Lyx, try there[comma]' Zander called after him. Lyx changed direction and headed towards the trees warily, fingering his sword.

A large bird flew overhead, cawing loudly[comma] and the black stallion shied, almost breaking free from his picket. Tay got up silently and stood by the stallion's head, stroking his forehead - the creature calmed almost immediately. Zander shook his head in awe,


'I don't know how you do it. It's like you touch them and they think their [they're]safe...even that time when we were surrounded by flaming arrows…' Tay smiled mournfully, leaving the stallion and returning to the saddlebags, rummaging [see above, I think, for the -ings and stuff] around until a some cold ham was produced [I don't like this passive much -- why not just say he found some ham etc?] along with three flasks of water and another chunk of bread. Lyx had returned and was laying a fire, hacking at wood with a hatchet when the need arose. Zander untacked the horses, and put thin rugs on them to protect them from the cold, but still being able to ride them if they needed to flee. [the bit of the sentence '...but still...' does not mean what I think you intend (that the thin rugs didn't make it impossible to ride the horses) -- it's about Zander still being able to ride them, I think]
After a meagre meal Lyx and Zander retreated to their tent, leaving Tay standing next to the stallion, staring into the distance again. It was not until two hours later that Tay entered the tent in the hope of a dreamless sleep.

I find the lack of viewpoint character a bit difficult -- but that may just be what I expect from stories now!

Anyway -- there's some intriguing stuff here. I like the wall and I quite like Tay (I'm not too clear about the difference between the others). I did wonder if part of the issue with this for you -- possibly -- is that in the first bit (the bit I critiqued), there's no real tension or conflict. So everyone seems to want the same thing, everyone's going the same way, the others are happy for Tay to be silent etc. So until the outside event -- the magic -- there's nothing to really get your teeth into. That's just my opinion because you said you weren't sure why you were finding this bit difficult to write. I think this looks interesting as it is, though.

I'm impressed the stallion didn't fall over, incidentally!

 

[Kylara]

Yes, I always tend to write from that PoV, occasssionally a first person one is thrown in, but very rarely and more for impact than anything else...I agree on the whole confusion surrounding who is who, and smoe of the passive structures (eg the finding the ham) but that is for very good reason (plotting again...*shakes head*) I shall apologise once more for typos, and the quality being somewhat lacking, I can assure you this is not some of my greatest work! With these three (and their horses) I am having trouble staying far enough away from them, if I come too close, then I start giving the reader too much information about them this early on...

Looking back at my plotting points, I see there's a massive angry verbal fight style discussion with a load of almost drawing swords (and magics but more on that in another piece) just before this excerpt, so that may be why it is a bit tensionless at the beginning...argh all these bits that need mentioning to set up for later on, but needing to keep it from getting far far too long...I'll switch back the dialogue around the town, I agree on second thoughts it is currently a bit cliché and shoddy, and I'll put back in some world building, hopefully when I'm doing that it should fall together a bit more...so far everything you've all said has been really helpful, only a couple of things I hadn't noticed have been picked up, it's good to know that bits are all weird and it's not just me!

 

[Kylara]

Right, here we go again! Much of the descriptives have been put back in, and I've sorted some of the typos and dialogue stuff...hopefully this reads better, any comments gratefully received :wink: (oh and sorry it is 200 words longer )

The three horses cantered across the plains, their riders silent and alert. The foremost rider, in a long tan coat that whipped out behind him in the wind, like bird straining to be free, rode a large black stallion, flanked by two companions, on smaller, but no less impressive steeds. Zander, a master of horseback swordsmanship, astride a stocky, well muscled chestnut perfect for the large, bulky man and the multiple weapons he carried about his person. The youngest rider, Lyx, was of a more athletic build than the other two riders, and rode a slender blue roan – a scouting horse recently relieved of duty – and the young man was struggling a little with his great hand-and-a-half sword strapped carefully to his back. They stayed to the centre of the rolling fields, passing herds of cows and the occasional goatherd. They followed no roads, avoiding towns and the more mountainous region to the east; they did not wish to be easy prey to trap. As the day moved towards it end, they came to one of the many low stone walls that dotted the landscape, and drew their horses to a halt. Turning right, they rode alongside the wall, the black stallion in the lead once more, until they found a wooden gate. Lyx dismounted, speaking quietly to his roan before leaving it standing by the others; he moved slowly to the decaying gate, looking neither right nor left as he opened it for his companions. It never hurt to be overly cautious with these walls, known to trap the unwary soul.

Zander rode through the gate, followed by the roan, before dismounting, leaving the two beats to quietly crop at the lush grass while they erected their tent, careful not to pitch too close to the stone wall. The stallion’s rider was still mounted, a few paces from the gate, staring down the length of the wall. The other horsemen did not seem surprised at the lack of help from the stallion’s rider, and it was only once they had finished their tent and picketed their horses a short distance away discussing their journey and their destination that the stallion finally moved through the gate, its rider dismounting with one fluid movement. Zander quickly appeared, taking hold of the large beast as it shifted uneasily so close to the wall whilst being relieved of it saddlebags.

‘Do you want him picketed, Tay?’ Zander called after the retreating figure, his reply only a glance and a sharp nod.

Lyx was rifling through the packs still on his roan, ‘Hot or cold food tonight?’ He glanced round at the large man hammering a picket into the soft ground with the butt of an axe. Zander straightened up and looked over at the stallion’s rider, staring into the distance again having pitched a smaller tent a little way away from their own.

‘Hot. I’m chilled to the bone standing here. Have you got the tinder box or have I?’ he asked, fumbling at his belt until Lyx handed it over, before traipsing to the wall looking for deadwood. Zander chuckled and called out,

‘The trees are that way…try there.’ Lyx started, and ducked his head, embarrassed, and changed direction, heading warily for the smattering of trees surrounding the hill just past the horses, fingering his sword.

A large bird flew overhead, cawing loudly and the great stallion shied, almost breaking free fomr his picket. Zander scrambled up meaning to calm the beast, but Tay was already there, stanging by the stallion’s head, stoking his forehead – the creature calmed almost immediately. Zander shook his head in awe,

‘I don’t know how you do it. It’s like you touch them and they think they’re safe,’ he smiled, ‘ even that time we were being pelted by flaming arrows…’ Tay smiled mournfully, leaving the stallion and returning to the small tent, rummaging in the saddlebags until a cold ham was produced, along with three flasks of water and some chunks of bread. Lyx had returned and was laying a fire, hacking at the wood with Zander’s axe when it wouldn’t sit how he wanted. Zander untacked their horses, pulling their thin rugs out of various saddlebags; placing the tack so that it could be accessed quickly if the need to flee arose, as it had so many times before.

They ate quietly, trying not to look at the wall to the side of their camp. Zander and Lyx retreated to their tent, leaving Tay standing next to the stallion, staring into the distance again. It was not until two hours later that Tay entered the small tent in the hope of a dreamless sleep.

The sun set slowly over the plains, and the first of the three moons rose awkwardly into the sky as if on badly oiled tracks. The sky faded from a soft green into the deep red of night. Nightbirds flew swiftly, looking for the carrion - untainted by magic - that would stay their hunger. Pale shadows illuminated the wall and faceless creatures travelled undaunted down its length, whispering quietly to each other in their chewed tongue as they passed Tay's tent, as if afraid of waking the sleepers and being seen.

The black stallion reared, as the third moon rose, climbing heavily up the sky. The other horses picked up on its distress and then they too smelled the wild magic on the wind. The blue roan gave a piercing cry and the riders emerged from their tents, saw the glowing sparks on the mounting wind and began to quickly pack up their camp. The stallion broke free and attempted to thunder towards the scant protection of the trees, but was halted mid stride, three feet of the ground as Tay walked towards him, carrying saddle and packs. The horse came back to life once Tay had mounted, continuing its charge but in a different direction. The chestnut and the roan followed the stallion as the group rushed from the oncoming wild magic.

The horses ran for the rest of the night, fleeing from the one constant in their world – magic. As they crested a hill the next morning, the riders drew their steaming beasts to a halt and stared down at a small town, nestled between two hills.

‘Looks happy doesn’t it.’ Lyx turned to Zander, ‘They’ll never know it’s coming unless we tell them…’ he trailed off as he saw Tay’s head shaking, ‘but, but they don’t have to die Tay. We could save them.’ The last four words a hopeless whisper as Tay looked at him sadly.

Zander twisted round in his saddle, ‘We can’t Lyx. For a start you would be of very little help, not having your own magic yet and all. And you know Tay doesn’t like us unleashing against the wilds. Anyway, another one would be along a few days after we left in all likelihood. It’s just not worth it, you know what would happen if they searched us, found out who we were.’

‘But Zander couldn’t we-'

‘No. they must fend for themselves.’

He turned back to Tay, but saw only the stallion beside him. He swung around wildly, searching for any clue as to where Tay had gone; calming only when he saw a lone figure in a long tan coat striding up the hill carrying a large bag. Zander relaxed and unconsciously sheathed his sword, riding down with the stallion at his side, Lyx following along behind.

Tay vaulted onto the horse, handing the sack to Lyx and there was such an air of melancholy surrounding the great black stallion that neither Lyx nor Zander questioned how the distance to the town and back had been covered so swiftly, nor how the supplies had been acquired. Tay rode in front, as usual, staring straight ahead as they skirted the town, continuing their journey to the woods outside Mitha.

The cyan sun was at its zenith the following day when the group finally stopped for a rest. They dismounted and let their horses crop the sparse grass, but not setting up camp or unsaddling their mounts; they knew the horses would not stray far; they had been trained by Tay. Suddenly the roan gave a loud cry and the riders stood, looking around wordlessly, Lyx and Zander with weapons drawn, as the horse began to graze again. There, faint pale blue sparks on the wind, pale blue signalling a tamed magic sent on an errand. The sparks grew brighter as they neared the riders and began to swirl in a wide spiral to form a low squat shape of pure magic. A large grey eye formed, followed by a delicate nose and a carefully sculpted mouth, four short legs and two very humanoid arms complete with hands and fingers.

'Greetings friends,' the mouth formed and spoke the words with a disconnection that was added to by the fact that the speaker was female. Lyx glanced quickly at Zander, this was not a memorised message, this was being spoken directly to them by this woman. The creature was just an easier way to find them so they could hear what she had to say.

'I bring news from Gutha. You are needed by the council. Make haste to the city. They urgently need your magics. The youngest will be helped in his capture. We will allow a magic of medium strength. You must come. It is…' Her voice faded as her strength failed; the creature grinned and began to unmake itself, spinning once more into the pale blue sparks it arrived as before speeding back across the plain.

'The amount of control needed for that...huge!' Zander turned to Lyx, 'You're lucky that the council will aid you, your magic will be captured quickly,' he smiled suddenly, remembering his own month of tracking the perfect magic and the three days it took to capture, 'We must hurry.'

They mounted and set off once more, this time heading west towards Gutha and the council.

 

[Bowler1]

Kylara, that was much better. It flowed along well and the jumpy feeling of the original is gone, this section I liked. I still felt it was heavy on the descriptions and you have still not given us much plot, but it read well. The female speaker turning up and asking the guys to run off to a city is still hard to believe. Good style, I'd like tighter writing but you have to balance that with developing your writer voice.

This is what you should have put up first time. Good stuff.

 

[Kylara]

Thanks Bowler1. I didn't even think about the random feeling of the female voice...as she would have been introduced in the previous chapter; this message is the outcome of the huge argument, I may have mentioned earlier...mmm I think that's why I cut the descriptives out, but I'm glad you like it.

I'm sure all the plotting will become apparent if I ever finish it to my satisfaction and if I find anyone willing to take it on!

P.S. the current keyboard I am using doesn't work well and probably has some out of date drivers, hence some of the really weird typos that I only just noticed, but I lack admin access so can't do anything...it is really bugging me, my usual keyboard isn't with me right now and I desperately want it back!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

The three horses cantered across the plains, their riders silent and alert. The foremost rider, in a long tan coat that whipped out behind him in the wind, like a bird straining to be free, rode a large black stallion, flanked by two companions,a lot of commas, I'd drop this one on smaller, but no less impressive steeds. Zander, a master of horseback swordsmanship this is telling, better if you show it, maybe let him set off first or something?, astride a stocky, well muscled chestnut perfect for the large, bulky man and the multiple weapons he carried about his person. The youngest rider, Lyx, was of a more athletic build than the other two riderscould drop riders, and rode a slender blue roan – a scouting horse recently relieved of dutythis is good, gives me definition, and I'm wondering how it was relieved – and the young man was struggling a little with his great hand-and-a-half sword strapped carefully to his back. They stayed to the centre of the rolling fields, passing herds of cows and the occasional goatherd. They followed no roads, avoiding towns and the more mountainous region to the east; they did not wish to be easy prey to trap. As the day moved towards itits end, they came to one of the many low stone walls that dotted the landscape, and drew their horses to a halt. Turning right, they rode alongside the wall, the black stallion in the lead once more, until they found a wooden gate. Lyx dismounted, speaking quietly to his roan before leaving it standing by the others; he moved slowly to the decaying gate, looking neither right nor left as he opened it for his companions. It never hurt to be overly cautious with these walls, known to trap the unwary soul.a better opening, I'm following who is who this time and feeling connected to them much quicker.

Zander rode through the gate, followed by the roan, before dismounting, leaving the two beatsbeasts? to quietly crop at the lush grass while theybecause you have Zander, as singular, and the horses, as a pair, this sounds a little like it's the horses putting the tent up. erected their tent, careful not to pitch too close to the stone wall. The stallion’s rider was still mounted,drop comma a few paces from the gate, staring down the length of the wall. The other horsemen did not seem surprised at the lack of help from the stallion’s rider, and it was only once they had finished their tent and picketed their horses a short distance away discussing their journey and their destination that the stallion finally moved through the gate, rider dismounting with one fluid movement. Zander quickly appeared, taking hold of the large beast as it shifted uneasily so close to the wall whilst being relieved of it saddlebags.

‘Do you want him picketed, Tay?’ Zander called after the retreating figure, his reply only a glance and a sharp nod. I'd change this slightly to make it clear it's Tays reply, maybe a semi or a dash in stead of a comma?

Lyx was rifling through the packs still on his roan,this is a full stop, to have a comma there needs to be something to indicate dialogue, a he said, or commented. ‘Hot or cold food tonight?’ He glanced round at the large man hammering a picket into the soft ground with the butt of an axe. Zander straightened up and looked over at the stallion’s rider, staring into the distance again having pitched a smaller tent a little way away from their own.There's quite a lot going on in that sentence. He glanced at Zander, who straightened from hammering a pick.... Zander looked over at... who was staring into the distance, having pitched a smaller tent a little way from their own. The away could definitely go, regardless.

‘Hot. I’m chilled to the bone standing here. Have you got the tinder box or have I?’ he asked, fumbling at his belt until Lyx handed it over, before traipsing to the wall looking for deadwood. Zander chuckled and called out,

‘The trees are that way…try there.’ Lyx started, and ducked his head, embarrassed, and changed direction, heading warily for the smattering of trees surrounding the hill just past the horses, fingering his sword.

Okay, in this paragraph I'm losing the actions. Try, just as an eg

"Hot. I'm chilled to the bone standing here. Have you got the tinder box or have I?" Zander fumbled at his belt under Lyx handed it over, as he traipsed to the wall looking for deadwood.
Zander chuckled and called out...
The extra paragraph gives clearer definition, I think, stops it losing sight of who is doing what. It's always hard in a multi person scene, especially if they're all the same sex.

A large bird flew overhead, cawing loudly and the great stallion shied, almost breaking free fomrfrom his picket. Zander scrambled up meaningI'm not sure you need meaning to calm the beast, but Tay was already there, stangd?ing by the stallion’s head, stoking his forehead – the creature calmed almost immediately.here you need a new paragraph, but I love this image. Zander shook his head in awe,full stop, it's an action.

‘I don’t know how you do it. It’s like you touch them and they think they’re safe,’ he smiled, ‘ even that time we were being pelted by flaming arrows…’ Tay smiled mournfully, leaving the stallion and returning to the small tent, rummaging in the saddlebags until a cold ham was produced, along with three flasks of water and some chunks of bread. Lyx had returned and was laying a fire, hacking at the wood with Zander’s axe when it wouldn’t sit how he wanted. Zander untacked their horses, pulling their thin rugs out of various saddlebags; placing the tack so that it could be accessed quickly if the need to flee arose, as it had so many times before.this gives me a better understanding of their preparations.

They ate quietly, trying not to look at the wall to the side of their camp. Zander and Lyx retreated to their tent, leaving Tay standing next to the stallion, staring into the distance again. It was not until two hours later that Tay entered the small tent in the hope of a dreamless sleep.the omniprescent keeps pulling me out a little. It may be because we've been with Zander quite a lot that I feel we're with him, so I'm a bit confused when I'm told what Tay is doing seperately. I quite like it, though, and could soon get used to it.

The sun set slowly over the plains, and the first of the three moons rose awkwardly into the sky as if on badly oiled tracks. The sky faded from a soft green intoI feel this should be to, but I like the into the deep red of night. Nightbirds flew swiftly, looking for the carrion - untainted by magic - that would stay their hunger. Pale shadows illuminated the wall and faceless creatures travelled undaunted down its length, whispering quietly to each other in their chewed tongue as they passed Tay's tent, as if afraid of waking the sleepers and being seen.

The black stallion reared,drop comma as the third moon rose, climbing heavily up the sky. The other horses picked up on its distress and then they too smelled the wild magic on the wind. The blue roan gave a piercing cry and the riders emerged from their tents, saw the glowing sparks on the mounting wind and began to quickly pack up their camp. The stallion broke free and attempted to thunder towards the scant protection of the trees, but was halted mid stride, three feet of the ground as Tay walked towards him, carrying saddle and packs. The horse came back to life once Tay had mounted, continuing its charge but in a different direction.cool The chestnut and the roan followed the stallion as the group rushed from the oncoming wild magic.

The horses ran for the rest of the night, fleeing from the one constant in their world – magic. As they crested a hill the next morning, the riders drew their steaming beasts to a halt and stared down at a small town, nestled between two hills.I'm sort of wondering why the horses aren't more used to it, they're usually pretty able to adapt, and if they're not I'm wondering if they're more of an inconvenience if every night this goes on.

‘Looks happy doesn’t it.?’ Lyx turned to Zander, ‘They’ll never know it’s coming unless we tell them…’ he trailed off as he saw Tay’s head shaking, ‘but, but they don’t have to die Tay. We could save them.’ The last four words a hopeless whisper as Tay looked at him sadly.

Zander twisted round in his saddle,full stop ‘We can’t Lyx. For a start you would be of very little help, not having your own magic yet and all. And you know Tay doesn’t like us unleashing against the wilds. Anyway, another one would be along a few days after we left in all likelihood. It’s just not worth it, you know what would happen if they searched us, found out who we were.’

‘But Zander couldn’t we-'

‘No. Theythey must fend for themselves.’

He turned back to Tay, but saw only the stallion beside him. He swung around wildly, searching for any clue as to where Tay had gone; calming only when he saw a lone figure in a long tan coat striding up the hill carrying a large bag. ZanderI'd use Zander at teh start of the paragraph. relaxed and unconsciously sheathed his sword, riding down with the stallion at his side, Lyx following along behind.

Tay vaulted onto the horse, handing the sack to Lyx and there was such an air of melancholy surrounding the great black stallion that neither Lyx nor Zander questioned how the distance to the town and back had been covered so swiftly, nor how the supplies had been acquiredI'm assuming they know. Tay rode in front, as usual, staring straight ahead as they skirted the town, continuing their journey to the woods outside Mitha.

The cyan sun was at its zenith the following day when the group finally stopped for a rest.okay, I'm no expert but I think if they riding hard most of the night, and all through the day and another night, the horses might be too pushed. They dismounted and let their horses crop the sparse grass, but not setting up camp or unsaddling their mounts; they knew the horses would not stray far; they had been trained by Tay. Suddenly the roan gave a loud cry and the riders stood, looking around wordlessly, Lyx and Zander with weapons drawn, as the horse began to graze again. There, faint pale blue sparks on the wind, their? pale blue signalling a tamed magic sent on an errand. The sparks grew brighter as they neared the riders and began to swirl in a wide spiral to form a low squat shape of pure magic. A large grey eye formed, followed by a delicate nose and a carefully sculpted mouth, four short legs and two very humanoid arms complete with hands and fingers.

'Greetings friends,full stop - you're going onto an action' the mouth formed and spoke the words with a disconnection that was added to by the fact that the speaker was female. Lyx glanced quickly at Zander,semi or hyphen, I think this was not a memorised message, this was being spoken directly to them by this woman. The creature was just an easier way to find them so they could hear what she had to say.

'I bring news from Gutha. You are needed by the council. Make haste to the city. They urgently need your magics. The youngest will be helped in his capture. We will allow a magic of medium strength. You must come. It is…' Her voice faded as her strength failed; the creature grinned and began to unmake itself, spinning once more into the pale blue sparks it arrived as before speeding back across the plain.

'The amount of control needed for that...huge!' Zander turned to Lyx,full stop 'You're lucky that the council will aid you, your magic will be captured quickly,full stop' he smiled suddenly, remembering his own month of tracking the perfect magic and the three days it took to capture, 'We must hurry.'

They mounted and set off once more, this time heading west towards Gutha and the council.[/QUOTE]

Hi Kylara, much improved, I thought, more vibrant, easier to follow. The dialogue punctuation is still a little off - I'm pretty sure there is stuff in the toolbox on it.

 

[Kylara]

Thanks springs, dialogue punctuation is something I dislike, anti-intuitive, I normally end up doing a dialogue edit, just for that. The typos are the shoddy keyboard I use when I'm not at home...The horses have been trained (by Tay) to alert the riders of wild magics, so they're more help than hindrance...I do a lot with horses and tend to assume that people know the best way to make certain horses last...a mixture of walking, and a few bursts; certain types of horses can manage large periods of speed, and these three are very special, mainly because of Tay...I'm glad it reads easier, hopefully if I post more from this WiP the omni won't annoy you too much! Thanks again, much appreciated.

 

[allmywires]

Much better, it's a little info-dumpy at the beginning but that always happens when new characters are introduced. Some of your sentences could be rearranged (I agree with pretty much all of springs' changes) but otherwise, good work.

It is still quite meaty though, and I would be tempted to cut the intro paragraph quite savagely. Then again, you may want to keep the description for character-introduction purposes - just be wary that the huge chunk of description might put some off.

(This may sound hypocritical as I am a serial over-describer! )

 

[Hex]

Hi Kylara -- I liked this far more. I get a clearer idea of who is who.

However, I don't know if it's because this excerpt is a draft, but the main issue for me is that some of your sentences become confusing. I've taken two examples to show you what I mean (since if you're aware of this and it'll get fixed on the next edit, there's no point in me going on!)

The foremost rider, in a long tan coat that whipped out behind him in the wind, like bird straining to be free, rode a large black stallion, flanked by two companions, on smaller, but no less impressive steeds. -- That is a very long sentence -- though I say that as someone who struggles with sentences longer than about 6 words. I twitched a little at the three levels at the start of the sentence: 1 - the rider 2- his coat in the wind 3- like a bird -- but I think if you removed the comma before 'like a bird' it would simplify the structure.

The second half of the sentence confused me (like I said, easily done).

Lemme do this:

The foremost rider [snipped the subclause stuff] rode a large black stallion, flanked by two companions...

This means the stallion is flanked by two companions -- I think you mean the rider so how about something like:

The foremost rider [snip] rode a large black stallion. He was flanked by two companions...

You don't need the full stop, but I think it (or a semicolon if you like) would help to clarify what's happening.

Zander, a master of horseback swordsmanship, astride a stocky, well muscled chestnut perfect for the large, bulky man and the multiple weapons he carried about his person.

It feels like there's a verb missing here, because until 'carry', there isn't one (and 'carry' refers to the weapons). So, if I snip again:

Zander [snip] astride a stocky well muscled chestnut...

You could have "Zander sat" or "Zander rode".

It would work if it carried on from the last sentence, something like:

The foremost rider was flanked by two companions on smaller but no less impressive steeds: Zander, astride a stocky, well muscled chestnut...

but with the full stop it makes the bit about Zander a fragment, not a sentence. Fragments are fine and good (love 'em) but the length of this one makes it confusing, in my opinion.

My advice (for what it's worth) would be to try shortening some of the sentences and then I think what's happening in them will come over more clearly.

I hope this helps.

@Kylara -- I find this too -- the switch between academic writing and fiction is a bit tricky.

 

[Kylara]

Thanks Hex, that's really very helpful, long sentences are a habit brought on from too many literature essays...I think one of the worst I ever did was an entire third of a page length paragraph in one sentence; it read very well, littered with commas, semi colons, colons, hyphens and the like, but the only full stop was at the end! Fine in critical work, not so great in my WiP. I shall have to go back and actively look for the little beasties and sort them out, before they breed and I end up with millions of the little monsters! Thanks for pointing it out...now, to find my beastie hunting hat...

 

[Kylara]

I think I go a little cut mad...(see first entry - the latest bit is the same work with stuff put back in, and a few tweaks based on coments) and end up killing everything off...wote a thousand word story and cut it to 'the only decent' 45 words before binning it out of grouchyness...over-describing is addictive, and I put all of mine in a descriptions section of my OneNote, you never know, they may discover that the moonlight glinting off the silvered trees looks just the same another few chapters in...so I don't have to lose all my work, some of it won't get recycled, but at least I can enjoy reading it :wink: