Critique Request: horror/fantasy: The Ruby Queen

[kshRox]

I wrote a couple paragraphs teasing RJ about Fairy Tales being boring but liked the passage. It gave me the germ of an idea for a changling story.

The protagonist is an mid-to-late teen female. She's been adopted and raised as a human. Of course she is the changling, a fae creature from another dimension but has no idea of her origin other than she does not 'fit' in with her peers.

A series of events triggers a lucid dream which re-connects her to her home dimension where she wields some power that unbeknownst to her allows her to subconsciously manipulate the perceptions of reality (a backstory to why she was banished in the first place).

She has been reading L. Frank Baum which influences her perceptions in her home dimension.

I'm looking for a normal critique as well as an over all gut feeling - can this work? Or does it just come off as silly?



The Ruby Queen (Segment I, 795)

"Dismemberment, Brutality and Bloodbaths, Oh My!” Dany said half in jest, half in trepidation as she huddled closer to the Tin Man and Scarecrow. Peering into the murky depths of the entangled trees she missed the mindless gleam of madness within the Scarecrows vacant eyes. The heartless Tin Man's axe rose up in a silver arc, silhouetted against the backdrop of the full moon.

Such a beautiful, trusting child the rusty voice rasped through metal lips as the Scarecrow erupted into barks of hollow guffaws. Too late Dany felt the shiver of dread run down her spine . . .

Time stood still as an icy ball of quiet anger settled in the pit of Dany’s stomach. She was going to die. She wasn’t afraid, she wasn’t sad, she was pissed. That g*dd*m ignorant excuse for a haystack was laughing while the rusted pile of bolts was about to split her skull like a melon.

The icy ball of anger turned liquid pouring down the trunks of her legs to settle in her feet. Once there it burst into an agonizing inferno of molten fire running back up her legs, her hips and stomach to coalesce at her heart where it burst like an explosion immediately spreading throughout every part of her body. Agonizing pain consumed her. She was burning from the inside out and the sound of a roaring furnace filled her ears.

Just when she felt she could take no more a bubble seemed to burst through her skin surrounding her and bathing her in some kind of cool fluid gas or liquid.

She briefly noticed the Tin Man and the Scarecrow flung to the ground and lying at twisted angles like broken dolls when a tremendous roar broke through the quiet of the forest night. For a moment she thought it came from inside herself. Then another roar erupted obviously coming from the direction of the dark forest.

“Who dares?”

The bubble popped and Dany was suddenly back in the present. She slowly turned to face the source of this new threat.

“Who dares?”

The trees shook and the ground trembled.

“Who dares stand there before me?”

“I’m Dany, who are you?” she replied uncertainly.

“What dire sorceress are you to dare invoke the ancient magiks within my demesnes?”

“As I said before, I’m Dany, not a sorceress and I don’t know anything about any kind of ancient magic, or magik or magiks. Who are you and why are you hiding? Are you really afraid of a girl, unarmed and alone in the dark?”

“You dare! - You dare question me within my kingdom, in front of my subjects?”

This time the roaring voice came from behind her to the left. Turning slowly Dany rotated to face this new position. She noticed the Tin Man had risen to his feet. He stood relaxed, also peering into the forest towards the direction where the unseen voice lurked. A manic grin creased the softer metal around his mouth and the axe swung loosely in his grip.

The Scarecrow had scrambled to his hands and knees. He remained in that position watching her intently. His usually passive face was quirked into a strange expression she couldn’t read.

“I and not afraid, I am not . . . afraid . . . of you! You say you are alone, yet who are those servants attending you?”

Dany glanced at the Scarecrow and the Tin Man. The Tin Man grinned wider and began twirling the axe in a figure eight pattern crisscrossing his torso with a hypnotic side to side motion. The movements looked relaxed, casual . . . deadly. His eyes danced with some inner amusement. The Scarecrow still crouched; continued to stare at her with that unreadable expression.

Dany glared at them both, pure hatred bubbled up in her heart and again she felt heat stirring around her feet. “They are not my servants.” She spoke clearly, projecting her voice towards the direction of the forest where last the voice spoke. She looked at the Tin Man and hissed, “Tell him! Tell him you are not my servants.”

“But my queen, we are. We are your loyal, loving and obedient servants.” The Tin Man replied. Sincerity, even fondness appeared to color his response, softening the usual grating timber of his voice.

Dany stared back in unabashed astonishment and sputtered, “You B*st*rd. My servant? My loving obedient servant??? You son of a b*tch, you were going to kill me. Deny it. Go ahead, deny it!”

“Yes I was”, he replied grinning and emphasizing the I, “But my queen, we did not recognize you then.”

“Yes, yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes, my queen, my queen.” The Scarecrow whispered as he edged closer, his voice fading into muffled giggles.

 

[kshRox]

(segment II, 640)

Dany felt as much as heard the rustling in the brush behind her and knew the owner of the forest voice was rushing towards them. Time dilated as she whirled towards the sound, her right arm instinctively flung before her, palm facing out. She again felt immersed in some kind of bubble. The temperature was suddenly cooler, her movements languid and her hair flowed about her head as if teased by a gentle current. A red glow appeared to emanate from her palm enhancing her vision allowing her to see every detail in the landscape before her, in spite of the night and dark forest gloom.

The beast burst from the forest and slid to a stop in the center of the trail. It was big, probably standing over eight feet. It was also slightly leonine in appearance with a huge head and shoulders covered with a mane of shaggy hair which continued down covering most of its body.

It arms and legs were almost comically muscled like a caricature of a body builder while the torso and chest, also layered in muscle were whip-like lean. Dany could also see the legs were reverse jointed, like a dog or cat. The hands were huge and shaped like human hands, but each ‘finger’ ended in a talon that extended at least three inches beyond their tips.

The feet were bare and similarly armed but more oddly shaped. They appeared almost bird-like with four long toe-like digits in front and an oddly shaped heel combined with a fifth toe-like digit. This fifth toe was the largest in size and also sported the largest talon. It Jutted forwards on the inside edge of the foot. Dany could imagine this odd creating using its feet to grasp things hand-like, when it wasn't ripping through flesh anyway.

The face had large slanted eyes glinting with color like a common animal’s eyes caught in the headlights of a passing car. The nose was leonine, broad and flat ending over a mouth filled with many sharp looking teeth. Instead of a chin, there just appeared to be more teeth on the lower jaw. Judging by the muscles bulging at the base of the jaw below the tufted triangular shaped ears, this thing could probably bite through skin, muscle and bone as easily as she chewed through a round of cheese.

It was moving its head back and forth snuffling in Dany’s direction. “What are you?” it growled softly in a querying voice. “I’m not afraid of you.” It repeated and began edging around towards her right, then as it approached a quarter turn in that direction it suddenly reversed itself, repeating the process towards her left. It paced back and forth, back and forth.

“I am the King.” It growled softly, “I am the King of all beasts in this forest. I am the King of all beasts in all forests, in all jungles, in all the wilds of all the lands” Its voice rose in pitch and volume as it spoke until once again it shouting in a formidable roar, “I am the King of all Beasts, and I am not afraid of you!”

Dany kept her eyes locked on the beasts. Her only movements were to slightly turn her body to keep herself squarely facing the beast as it paced half circles in front of her. She instinctively knew if she broke eye contact, flinched or showed any sign of fear the beast would be upon her in an instant, all sinewy muscles, teeth and talons. She did not know why, but she could tell by its agitation and continuous denials, it was afraid of her. It was very afraid of her.

The Tin Man started forward; she flung her left arm out from her side intercepting his path and murmured, “No.” Her right arm still held before her facing the beast.

 

[JoanDrake]

I think you already have made this into something, it was very entertaining and I would really like to read more. I especially appreciate the way you exploit the horror aspect of the story more. The Flying Monkeys and the Wicked Witch were meant to be freaking SCARY, not cute in any way.

You need to go over it and tighten it up some as you're going to be compared to a Great Classic. One of the problems of writing stories based on GC's are that what in a movie would be called "production values" things like, punctuation, clarity, structure etc, have to be really perfect. I think opinions vary as to whether you're supposed to copy the style of the original but my understanding is it should be similar in aspects important to the story.

I don't know if this is really a serious comparison but I've read in several places that The original Wizard of Oz story was an allegory of the Populists; a political movement that tried to capture the Democratic party in the late 19th and early 20th century. It was made up of Farmers (mainly those in what was called the Grange, and represented by the Scarecrow), early Socialists (the Lion) and the American version of the Urban Proletariat (the Tin Man). Dorothy was their three time Presidential Candidate, William Jennings Bryan.

(Yeh, I know the joke, no this isn't it. I believe it to be a seriously advanced interpretation, but most people just laugh and say I'm taking a child's story too seriously. Take it for what you find it to be worth)

Also, I don't know if you know this or not as many people seem to be unaware of it. Baum wrote several sequels to the original.

Finally, and DON'T let this discourage you but there is some controversy over copyright, due to the fact tha WB and Disney are both vigourously claiming trademark protection over stuff from the 1939 movie. INALB but I honestly don't think anything will come of it though. It's 110 years old, it'd be like copyrighting the Iliad because they made a movie out of it.

 

[The Judge]

kshRox -- I've removed the third segment you posted. The limit for a thread is 1500 words -- sections one and two together already reach this and that third took you way over. Please make sure you adhere to the limit in future.

 

[Kylara]

I don't have that much time to do a thorough critique of it at the moment (there's a lot!) but I can do later if you like?, so I will just stick to your poem bit.

Look at her feet! Look at her feet!
Look at her shoes! Look at her shoes!
Can’t you see what she must be?
Can’t you see? Can’t you see!

Look at her feet! Look at her feet!
Look at her shoes! Look at her shoes!
Can’t you see what she must be?
Open your eyes you fool and see.

Even I know what she be!
Open your eyes you fool and see!
That it is she, the Ruby Queen.
The Ruby Queen is what she be . . .

Unless this is a very well know rhymey poem in the world, it is a little too repetitive and at the same time not enough. If it is, then the first two lines of each verse should be the same, with differing last couple of lines (like the last verse) as having three same lines with one different is uneven and slows the pace, making it unsure that people will take in the differences. Also there is a lot of repetition in the lines themselves, which is fine, but added to the verse repetition, it comes off as a little too much...a single internal repetitive line repeated in verses is usually fine, but so many make it very stilted and childlike...another thing is that repetition works well as a well known poem/prophesy thing - easy to remember, but if it is made up off the top of his head it doesn't really work that way...

I do poetry if you were wondering, so I can get a little more in depth than that if you would like, but I shall stop now.

 

[Boneman]

Apart from some intial confusion regarding what was reality and what wasn't (I tend to skip straight to the writing, so missed the bit about the 'lucid dream', sorry) I quite enjoyed this. The use of the Tin man and the Scarecrow also confused me, but I'm sure the preceding writing would have made it clear this was a dream, as you said. (Once I'd read it properly - DOH!) So, yes it does work, even though I'm not sure you need four paragraphs to describe the beast - I wanted the action you were leading us to, not overlong descriptive passages. (I tend to do that in all writing, so wait for more comments on that one...)

Actually, for a moment, I though Dany had wet herself when

The icy ball of anger turned liquid pouring down the trunks of her legs to settle in her feet

and I'm afraid I couldn't get that image out of my head.

There's a tendency to over-describe what's going on around her:

Time dilated as she whirled towards the sound, her right arm instinctively flung before her, palm facing out. She again felt immersed in some kind of bubble. The temperature was suddenly cooler, her movements languid and her hair flowed about her head as if teased by a gentle current. A red glow appeared to emanate from her palm enhancing her vision allowing her to see every detail in the landscape before her, in spite of the night and dark forest gloom.

Not sure you need the immersed in a bubble and the languid movements or the hair bit at at all, since we've just left a piece of high tension, when some unknown beast is charging towards her. But in general, and for a first draft, I think it could work very well. Incidentally, how do you pronounce her name? the way it's spelt I read it as dayknee as in 'Danish'...

ps: there's a poem bit??? Ah, Kylara was up before the Judge...

 

[chrispenycate]

[/Quote]

The Ruby Queen (Segment I, 795)

"Dismemberment, Brutality and Bloodbaths, Oh My!” Dany said half in jest, half in trepidation as she huddled closer to the Tin Man and Scarecrow. Peering into the murky depths of the entangled trees she missed the mindless gleam of madness within the Scarecrows

Scarecrow's

vacant eyes. The heartless Tin Man's axe rose up in a silver arc, silhouetted against the backdrop of the full moon.

Such a beautiful, trusting child

Quotation marks round the the actual speech? At least something, even if it's only a comma, to separate dialogue from attribution.

the rusty voice rasped through metal lips as the Scarecrow erupted into barks of hollow guffaws. Too late Dany felt the shiver of dread run down her spine . . .

Time stood still as an icy ball of quiet anger settled in the pit of Dany’s stomach. She was going to die. She wasn’t afraid, she wasn’t sad, she was pissed. That g*dd*m ignorant excuse for a haystack was laughing while the rusted pile of bolts was about to split her skull like a melon.

The icy ball of anger turned liquid

Comma

pouring down the trunks of her legs to settle in her feet. Once there it burst into an agonizing inferno of molten fire running back up her legs, her hips and stomach to coalesce at her heart where it burst like an explosion

Comma

immediately spreading throughout every part of her body. Agonizing pain consumed her. She was burning from the inside out and the sound of a roaring furnace filled her ears.

Just when she felt she could take no more a bubble seemed to burst through her skin

Comma

surrounding her and bathing her in some kind of cool fluid gas or liquid.

She briefly noticed the Tin Man and the Scarecrow flung to the ground and lying at twisted angles like broken dolls when a tremendous roar broke through the quiet of the forest night. For a moment she thought it came from inside herself. Then another roar erupted

Comma

obviously coming from the direction of the dark forest.

“Who dares?”

The bubble popped and Dany was suddenly back in the present. She slowly turned to face the source of this new threat.

“Who dares?”

The trees shook and the ground trembled.

“Who dares stand there before me?”

“I’m Dany,

Comma splice (tolerable in dialogue)

who are you?” she replied uncertainly.

“What dire sorceress are you to dare invoke the ancient magiks within my demesnes?”

“As I said before, I’m Dany, not a sorceress

Comma

and I don’t know anything about any kind of ancient magic, or magik or magiks.

How would she hear the difference in spelling?

Who are you and why are you hiding? Are you really afraid of a girl, unarmed and alone in the dark?”

“You dare! - You dare question me within my kingdom, in front of my subjects?”

This time the roaring voice came from behind her to the left. Turning slowly

Comma?

Dany rotated to face this new position. She noticed the Tin Man had risen to his feet. He stood relaxed, also peering into the forest towards the direction

"towards the direction" is a bit tautological.

where the unseen voice lurked. A manic grin creased the softer metal around his mouth and the axe swung loosely in his grip.

The Scarecrow had scrambled to his hands and knees. He remained in that position

Comma

watching her intently. His usually passive face was quirked into a strange expression she couldn’t read.

“I and

and?

not afraid, I am not . . . afraid . . . of you! You say you are alone, yet who are those servants attending you?”

Dany glanced at the Scarecrow and the Tin Man. The Tin Man grinned wider and began twirling the axe in a figure eight pattern

Comma

crisscrossing his torso with a hypnotic side to side motion. The movements looked relaxed, casual . . . deadly. His eyes danced with some inner amusement. The Scarecrow still crouched; continued to stare at her with that unreadable expression.

Dany glared at them both,

Comma splice (unless that becomes "bubbling")

pure hatred bubbled up in her heart and again she felt heat stirring around her feet. “They are not my servants.” She spoke clearly, projecting her voice towards the direction of the forest where last the voice spoke. She looked at the Tin Man and hissed, “Tell him! Tell him you are not my servants.”

“But my queen, we are. We are your loyal, loving and obedient servants.” The Tin Man replied. Sincerity, even fondness appeared to color his response, softening the usual grating timber

Timbre (he's metal, not wood).

of his voice.

Dany stared back in unabashed astonishment and sputtered, “You B*st*rd. My servant? My loving obedient servant??? You son of a b*tch, you were going to kill me. Deny it. Go ahead, deny it!”

“Yes I was”, he replied grinning and emphasizing the I, “But my queen, we did not recognize you then.”

“Yes, yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes, my queen, my queen.” The Scarecrow whispered as he edged closer, his voice fading into muffled giggles.

Dany felt as much as heard the rustling in the brush behind her and knew the owner of the forest voice was rushing towards them. Time dilated as she whirled towards the sound, her right arm instinctively flung before her, palm facing out. She again felt immersed in some kind of bubble. The temperature was suddenly cooler, her movements languid and her hair flowed about her head as if teased by a gentle current. A red glow appeared to emanate from her palm

Comma

enhancing her vision

Comma

allowing her to see every detail in the landscape before her, in spite of the night and dark forest gloom.

The beast burst from the forest and slid to a stop in the center of the trail. It was big, probably standing over eight feet. It was also slightly leonine in appearance with a huge head and shoulders covered with a mane of shaggy hair which continued down

Comma; and perhaps "to cover" would work better than "covering"

covering most of its body.

It

Its

arms and legs were almost comically muscled

Comma

like a caricature of a body builder

Comma

while the torso and chest, also layered in muscle

Comma

were whip-like lean. Dany could also see the legs were reverse jointed, like a dog or cat. The hands were huge and shaped like human hands, but each ‘finger’ ended in a talon that extended at least three inches beyond their tips

"Each" is singular, so it would be "its tip".

.

The feet were bare and similarly armed but more oddly shaped. They appeared almost bird-like

Comma

with four long toe-like digits in front and an oddly shaped heel combined with a fifth toe-like digit. This fifth toe was the largest in size and also sported the largest talon. It

Why the upper case (capital)?

Jutted forwards on the inside edge of the foot. Dany could imagine this odd creating using its feet to grasp things hand-like, when it wasn't ripping through flesh anyway.

The face had large slanted eyes

Comma

glinting with color like a common animal’s eyes caught in the headlights of a passing car. The nose was leonine, broad and flat

Comma

ending over a mouth filled with many sharp looking teeth. Instead of a chin,

Do you need this comma? (I suppose I shouldn't complain when there is so much chopping up that is needed).

there just appeared to be more teeth on the lower jaw. Judging by the muscles bulging at the base of the jaw below the tufted triangular shaped ears, this thing could probably bite through skin, muscle and bone as easily as she chewed through a round of cheese.

It was moving its head back and forth

Comma

snuffling in Dany’s direction. “What are you?” it growled softly in a querying voice. “I’m not afraid of you.” It repeated and began edging around towards her right, then

Comma here rather than before the "then"?

as it approached a quarter turn in that direction

Comma

it suddenly reversed itself, repeating the process towards her left. It paced back and forth, back and forth.

“I am the King.” It growled softly, “I am the King of all beasts in this forest. I am the King of all beasts in all forests, in all jungles, in all the wilds of all the lands

Period (Full stop)

” Its voice rose in pitch and volume as it spoke until once again it shouting in a formidable roar, “I am the King of all Beasts, and I am not afraid of you!”

Dany kept her eyes locked on the beasts

Plural?

. Her only movements were to slightly turn her body to keep herself squarely facing the beast as it paced half circles in front of her. She instinctively knew if she broke eye contact, flinched or showed any sign of fear the beast would be upon her in an instant, all sinewy muscles, teeth and talons. She did not know why, but she could tell by its agitation and continuous denials, it was afraid of her. It was very afraid of her.

The Tin Man started forward; she flung her left arm out from her side intercepting his path and murmured, “No.” Her right arm still held before her facing the beast.

Fragment.
Rather a lot of continuous flow text without indications as to where one phrase ends and another starts. Perhaps my suggestions were not right, but it definitely requires more punctuation for ease of reading.

 

[kshRox]

I very much appreciate everyones willingness to offer the benefit of their feedback. I only had time to give the comments a quick scan this morning but will re-visit and review in detail later today.

The criticisms again seem spot on - Overall I take it the theme is workable although my tendency to over-describe and miserable grammer is very evident.

In brief -

JoanDrake - I will look up the political allegory behind the original and see if it is possible to weave it into my story. Also thank you for the encouragement and cautions.

Judge - My apologies and thank you for parsing it down to the correct length.

Kylara - I completely overlooked applying any poetic discipline on the Scarecrows ramblings and you are absolutely right, this is a jarring ommission - thanks so much for picking up on it.

Boneman - thank you also so much for pointing out a blaring blunder (wetting her pants!) that as the author I completely overlooked.

ChrispenyCate - My grammar is atrocious. On one hand I feel embarressed that someone has to come behind me to point out my messes while on the other, extrememly grateful for the someones who are willing to do that - I hope to improve over time.