Just a piece of what I've been working on (741 words)

[subtletylost]

This is just a scene from my WiP Doomed. It's not yet decided how important it is. Just thought I'd post something. Let me know what works and what doesn't, anything that catches your eye good or bad, if the dialogue sounds is good. If the whole thing is believable and if my grammar is good. I'd also like to know what you think of the characters and description.

Any edits suggested here, style, grammar, or character wise will be applied to my future scenes and writing but I am not going to edit anything that's already been written until September or I reach 60,000 words, whichever comes first.

~~

On our way to lunch we walk up the science hall and pass by the forbidden hall. Approaching the cafeteria Diana suddenly stops. Turns around and runs as fast as she can back toward the forbidden hall. I run to intercept her, but she dodges around me. I reach out and grab her arm. "Are you insane? I told you this morning that we are not allowed to go down that hall."

"Do you smell that? Do you hear that?" She pulls away from me and runs down the hall.

"Come back here!" We run after her. She slows down. It's hot on this hall. The air tickles my nose and throat. I cough. "Diana wait come back."

"Do you smell that?"

I stop and sniff the air. Smoke. I smell smoke. I cough again.

BAM! BAM! "HELP!" A weak cry reaches my ears. Looking around I can't see where the sound is coming from. "Please! Someone!" The voice cries again. Where is it coming from?

"I smell fire," Joe coughs.

Diana goes up to a door on the left. I walk up to it too. "Someone! Anyone," the weak voice cries from inside.

"I know how to handle this," I say. I hover my hand over the handle, feeling the heat coming from it. I step back a little. Ready myself and kick near the handle as hard as I can. Then fall to the floor quickly, as a flame burst of the room. I peer through the smoke and notice a still figure on the floor. I run in. Smoke. Heat. Flames. Grab the person. Fireman's carry. Up onto my back. Back out. CRASH! Part of the ceiling crashes down. Right where we were.

We head back up the hall as fast as we can. "Anna. Fire alarm." She runs ahead and I hear the fire alarm sound. The smoke and flames follow us up the hall. We run out the end of the hall. Mr. Lanter stands there. I can see Anna motioning toward the hall and us. "It's not a prank," Joe calls to him.

"Mari, your pants leg is on fire," Diana says and takes the person from me. I stop, drop and put out the flames.

"This way then," Mr Lanter says. He takes the person from Diana and leads us to the nearest fire exit. Once out and away from the school. He lays the person on the ground. I can see now that it is my friend Ashton. Her clothes are ripped and a little singed. Mr. Lanter calls over his walki-talkie to let the rest of the staff know where the fire is.

I kneel beside Ashton and check her for a pulse. My phone buzzes in my pocket, I ignore it. I can barely feel her pulse. I check for breathing, like I was taught to. She's breathing that's a good thing. "Ashton, can you hear me? Ashton?" I place a hand on her stomach. Something wet and sticky. I pull my hand away and red. I sniff it. Blood. Feeling for the spot and then finding it, I rip the fabric away from it. She's cut. "Joe, jacket NOW."

He doesn't argue. He just pulls his jacket off and hands it to me. I place it over the cut hold it on. Mr. Lanter comes back to us, looks at Ashton and then radios that someone is hurt. My phone buzzes again.

I get Anna to pull it out. Two unread messages.

Do you have enough money on your lunch account, ~Mom I ignore that message.

Your dad is on his way. That is the 2nd message and it's from Bobby an officer on the police force.

I say to message him back. "What about an ambulance?"

Twenty-five seconds later he comes back with. Yes fire and ems are on the way too. Are you hurt?

I say this message. "No but my friend Ashton is and it's bad."

Is she breathing? Does she have a pulse? Is she bleeding?

I say, "Yes to all three."

I alerted the EMS driver, they are on their way faster than first response time.

I say, "Thanks."

"A new message from Sarah," Anna tells me. She's hurt more than you know. "Having a psychic cousin must be awesome."

"No it's really not," I say. "I don't really want to know half of what she tells me. The other half I don't need to know."

 

[Jake Reynolds]

Heya Fishii,

I might ask firstly what audience this is pitched at. It reads like YA, which means that a few of my issues can likely be excused. A couple of things:

In a fire, one of the worst things to do is open a hot door. This allows oxygen to flood the room and causes a backdraft. This is especially jarring as it comes right after the character saying he knows how to handle it. Though you mention a flame flaring out of the room, no way could someone drop to the floor and 'dodge' it, especially if they had just kicked the door, given their forward momentum. I'd suggest just taking out the hot door, and create the urgency by having the character realise that it is her friend Ashton, and then possibly taking a while to find her as the flames grow more intense.

Mr Lanter seems awfully calm given the situation.

The texting back and forth is a bit over the top, given the situation. Would he not call? Try texting “I alerted the EMS driver, they are on their way faster than first response time,” in less time than it would take to have the entire section play out as a conversation.

Watch the names- Ashton is referred to as ‘the person’ for a while, and then suddenly Ashton. I think it might be better if we know it is Ashton from the start, as it gives more urgency in that it’s a friend in trouble. Also, with the way it is it could be a teacher, the lunchlady or Obama. By letting the readers know it is Ashton, we know it is someone of a similar size, making carrying possible. Lastly, Ashton gets passed around too much. Mari gives her to Diana then Diana gives her straight to Mr. Lanter in the next sentence.

Having said all that, I like the short choppy sentences, the way it reads as if someone was actually relating events. Sometimes it is a little stilted in the dialogue, such as; ‘I told you this morning that we are not allowed to go down that hall.’ As I always say, try reading the dialogue aloud.

 

[subtletylost]

Heya Fishii,

I might ask firstly what audience this is pitched at. It reads like YA, which means that a few of my issues can likely be excused. A couple of things:

In a fire, one of the worst things to do is open a hot door. This allows oxygen to flood the room and causes a backdraft. This is especially jarring as it comes right after the character saying he knows how to handle it. Though you mention a flame flaring out of the room, no way could someone drop to the floor and 'dodge' it, especially if they had just kicked the door, given their forward momentum. I'd suggest just taking out the hot door, and create the urgency by having the character realise that it is her friend Ashton, and then possibly taking a while to find her as the flames grow more intense.

Mr Lanter seems awfully calm given the situation.

The texting back and forth is a bit over the top, given the situation. Would he not call? Try texting “I alerted the EMS driver, they are on their way faster than first response time,” in less time than it would take to have the entire section play out as a conversation.

Watch the names- Ashton is referred to as ‘the person’ for a while, and then suddenly Ashton. I think it might be better if we know it is Ashton from the start, as it gives more urgency in that it’s a friend in trouble. Also, with the way it is it could be a teacher, the lunchlady or Obama. By letting the readers know it is Ashton, we know it is someone of a similar size, making carrying possible. Lastly, Ashton gets passed around too much. Mari gives her to Diana then Diana gives her straight to Mr. Lanter in the next sentence.

Having said all that, I like the short choppy sentences, the way it reads as if someone was actually relating events. Sometimes it is a little stilted in the dialogue, such as; ‘I told you this morning that we are not allowed to go down that hall.’ As I always say, try reading the dialogue aloud.

Thanks, it is intended to be YA at this point I don't think I could make it much else.

I was wondering about the texting in this instance anyway.

The way I saw it is that he [Mr. Lanter] appeared calm so that the kids wouldn't be quite so scared/worried/frantic/insert-other-non-emergency-situation-appropriate-emotion-here.

Remove the hot door? Well when the character said she knew what she was doing she meant that she knew how to force a locked door to open. But I guess I need to make that clearer. Or just remove the hot door.

Another way I see it is that I wrote this scene at 3:00 am cause I couldn't sleep.

The reason I didn't say right off who the person was is that I have notice when I get smoke in my eyes I can't see as well as normal. So I didn't think the character would be able to see who it is. (If this was in third person I don't think I'd have had this problem.)

 

[JoanDrake]

In Para 8 where is the BAM BAM coming from? Also I might reverse the quote "Please Someone" with 'the voice cries again' as otherwise it might get confused with the italicised thought.

The main thing though is that it sounds very right, just like people would talk under the circumstances.

The texting or not didn't seem to make any difference to me. Most people who text a lot text as fast as they talk and they might instinctively want to keep a record of something like this.

 

[Jake Reynolds]

Most people who text a lot text as fast as they talk

Wish I could do that!

 

[StilLearning]

The choppy sentences grew on me after a second reading - it does give a sense of urgency. In fact (and take this with a big pinch of salt as I'm no expert) during the action scenes I would have made the sentences even shorter:

"I know how to handle this," I say. Hover my hand over the handle. Feel the heatfrom it. I step back a little. Ready myself. Kick, near the handle, as hard as I can. Throw myself aside, as flames burst from the room.

Notice a still figure on the floor.

I run in. Smoke. Heat. Flames. Grab the person. Fireman's carry. Up onto my back. Back out. CRASH! Part of the ceiling crashes down. Right where we were.

Just a thought - it kept me reading right until the end as is.

 

[StilLearning]

I ought to apologise: That sounds like I'm telling you how to write your book. The short sentences worked for me during the action sequence, but I found them just a little stilted in the first paragraph, before it's clear this is an action scene. On the whole it worked for me.

 

[subtletylost]

Thanks... i like these ideas and can't wait to hear more.

 

[Scott R. Forshaw]

On our way to lunch, we walk up the science hall and pass by the forbidden hall. Approaching the cafeteria, Diana suddenly stops, turns around and runs as fast as she can back toward the forbidden hall. I run to intercept her, but she dodges around me. I reach out and grab her arm. "Are you insane? I told you this morning that we're not allowed to go down that hall."


I've made a few necessary adjustments to the punctuation, above, to aid the flow. I do think you should reconsider the usage of words, here, as well, as 'forbidden hall' is used twice in close proximity, and 'hall' is used three times in total; it all seems a little repetitive, and I found that it pulled me out of the story, somewhat.

"Do you smell that? Do you hear that?" She pulls away from me and runs down the hall.


'Hall', again, which could work here, but not following on from the three previous instances. I think you need to say goodbye to two of them from the first paragraph to improve the structure. Also, 'Do you' is used twice in this sentence. Would: 'Can you smell that? What's that sound?' work for you, instead?

"Come back here!" We run after her. She slows down. A dry heat engulfs us. The air tickles my nose and throat. I cough. "Diana wait come back."


Just a suggestion. Anyone would think I have a severe dislike of halls. I don't, honestly.

"Do you smell that?"


You used this question earlier. How about: She wrinkles her nose. “What's that smell?” It helps to remove some of the repetition.

I stop and sniff the air. Smoke. I smell smoke. I cough again.

BAM! BAM! "HELP!" A weak cry reaches my ears. Looking around I can't see where the sound is coming from. "Please! Someone!" The voice cries again. Where is it coming from?


BAM! BAM! reminded me of Barney Rubble's son. But more importantly, it doesn't seem to work here. I understand you want the action to seem sudden and catch the readers attention, but rather than achieve what you're aiming for, it just fails to fit. Also, the capitals really aren't necessary, either. How about something like: A loud thud resonates along the corridor, followed closely by a weak and frightened cry. We freeze, motionless, to listen. “Help!” ...

"I smell fire." Joe coughs.


Full stop, not a comma. Joe coughs is a separate clause following the dialogue.

Diana goes up to a door on the left. I walk up to it too. "Someone! Anyone," the weak voice cries from inside.


It reads as though she's followed Diana to the door; why not simply put: I follow Diana towards a door on the left.

"I know how to handle this," I say. I hover my hand over the handle, feeling the heat coming from it. I step back a little, and ready myself. I kick near to the handle as hard as I can, then fall to the floor quickly, as a flame bursts from the room. I peer through the smoke and notice a figure lying still on the floor. I run in through the smoke, heat, and flames, and grab the person. I swing the body up onto my shoulder, and rush back out. Diana screams as part of the ceiling crashes down, right where we were.

We head back up the hall as fast as we can.


"Anna. Fire alarm," I yell, breathlessly.


She runs ahead and, shortly after, I hear the fire alarm sound. The smoke and flames follow us up the hall. We run out the end of the hall. Mr. Lanter stands there. I can see Anna motioning toward the hall and us. "It's not a prank," Joe calls to him.

Lots of halls...

"Mari, your pants leg is on fire," Diana says, as she takes the person from me. I stop, drop, and put out the flames. Thank goodness I'd listened when they were teaching fire awareness.


I put that sentence in to make it seem more believable. Not everyone would know to 'stop and drop', and in most cases people would just panic. Also, some people might misunderstand 'pants' as underwear. You may want to consider 'trouser', instead.

"This way then," Mr Lanter says. He takes the limp body from Diana and leads us to the nearest fire exit. Once we're out, and away from the school, he lays the person on the ground. I gasp. It's Ashton. Her clothes are ripped and a little singed. Mr. Lanter calls over his walkie-talkie to let the rest of the staff know where the fire is.


Just a few suggestions; choose to ignore them, if you wish. I've tidied up the punctuation, as well.

I kneel beside Ashton and check her for a pulse. My phone buzzes in my pocket; I ignore it. I can barely feel her pulse. I check for breathing, like I'd been taught. She's breathing, that's a good thing. "Ashton, can you hear me? Ashton?" I place a hand on her stomach, and feel something wet and sticky. I pull my hand away and cringe at the sight of red liquid. I sniff it; it's blood. Feeling for the spot, and then finding it, I rip the fabric away from it. She's cut. "Joe, jacket. Now!"


Once again, just a few suggestions. I've also removed the capitals; they aren't necessary.

He doesn't argue; he just pulls it off and hands it to me. I place it over the cut and press firmly against the wound. Mr. Lanter comes back to us, looks at Ashton, then radios that someone is hurt. My phone buzzes again.

I get Anna to pull it out. Two unread messages.


Do you have enough money on your lunch account: Mom. I ignore that message.

Your dad is on his way, is the 2nd message. It's from Bobby, a local police officer.

I ask Anna to message him back: What about an ambulance?

Twenty-five seconds later he replies with: Yes fire and ems are on the way too. Are you hurt?


I didn't understand what he'd written in the text, so I haven't touched it. It does seem strange, though. Is it correct? What's 'ems'? If I were to punctuate it – not quite sure what 'ems' is – I'd probably go with: Yes, fire. Ems are on the way, too. I might be wrong, given the context, however.

I reply: No but my friend Ashton is, and it's bad.

Is she breathing? Does she have a pulse? Is she bleeding?

I say: Yes to all three.

I've alerted the EMS driver; they're on their way faster than first response time.

I say: Thanks.

"A new message from Sarah," Anna tells me. She's hurt more than you know. "Having a psychic cousin must be awesome."


I don't understand this paragraph. Is the italicised part speech, or thought, or text message? If it's text message, wouldn't Anna be speaking it aloud? If it is, it needs to be placed within the speech quotations.

"No it's really not," I say. "I don't really want to know half of what she tells me. The other half I don't need to know."

Sorry for the abundance of red; it really isn't as bad as it first appears, so don't get too downhearted. I guess this is your first draft, right? If it is, then I do believe that the writing can be improved upon, but this, obviously, is something which will occur once you begin to edit and redraft. I'm sure you'll be able to polish it up quite nicely if you want to.


The story, I like. It's punchy, fast paced, and dramatic, and definitely has legs. All you need to do is tidy it up, and it could be improved no end. It would certainly make me want to read more if such improvements were made.


I hope I've helped. If not, don't hesitate to cyber-kick me for ruining your day.


All the best
Scott

 

[Dante]

I'm not sure exactly where this scene comes in the story, so some of my suggestions may not be valid.

When I read through the first paragraph, I want to learn more about the forbidden hall. Why is it the forbidden hall? You've used a very strange and thought provoking adjective to describe it and it leaves the reader hanging a bit because nothing about it seems forbidden and it's not referenced again in the rest of the scene. If this were some sort of quirky, self-aware fictional story then those matter-of-fact references could work (like "oh here's the forbidden hall" and "there's the cafeteria of doom"), but here it just feels like a dangling idea.

Also, I'd love to get a bit more of description going on in the scene. "On our way to lunch"... just how many are in the group? I gather three from reading the rest of the story, but getting the visual image of the scene clearly into the readers' heads early on will help them follow the story a lot better.

Also, why not describe what the characters look like a bit or what the hall looks like or what the area outside where Ashton's lying on the ground looks like. The story's driven a lot by action and actions are described in some detail, but what about the world and the characters that are in it?

Also, Mari comes off a little too much of a hero in my opinion. She's a teenage girl who pulls her friend out of a burning building and conducts a medical examination without any hesitation or (I assume) error. I'm guessing she probably has a double-life where she's trained or has done this before. If so, I'd like to see some hints of it. I started to get that impression at the end when her and Anna joke about her psychic sister. That's the kind of quirky, "this is my usual life" I'm expecting to see more of.

 

[subtletylost]

This scene comes right after the scene that explains why it's forbidden.

 

[Grimbear]

Hey fishii

On our way to lunch we walk up the science hall and pass by the forbidden hall. Approaching the cafeteria, Diana suddenly stops, turns around and runs as fast as she can back toward the forbidden hall. I run to intercept her, but she dodges around me. I reach out and grab her arm. "Are you insane? I told you this morning that we are not allowed to go down that hall."

IMO you don't need to say 'forbidden hall' twice here. The second mention comes to close after the first - imo find another way to say this? BTW the word 'hall' appears four times in this tiny section.

BAM! BAM! "HELP!" A weak cry reaches my ears. Looking around I can't see where the sound is coming from. "Please! Someone!" The voice cries again. Where is it coming from?

This may a personal thing but I really don't like that 'BAM BAM'. Maybe say explosions, gunshots, doorslams? whatever the sound is, or sounds like, say that.

"I know how to handle this," I say. I hover my hand over the handle, feeling the heat coming from it. I step back a little. Ready myself and kick near the handle as hard as I can. Then fall to the floor quickly, as a flame burst of the room. I peer through the smoke and notice a still figure on the floor. I run in. Smoke. Heat. Flames. Grab the person. Fireman's carry. Up onto my back. Back out. CRASH! Part of the ceiling crashes down. Right where we were.

We head back up the hall as fast as we can. "Anna. Fire alarm." She runs ahead and I hear the fire alarm sound. The smoke and flames follow us up the hall. We run out the end of the hall. Mr. Lanter stands there. I can see Anna motioning toward the hall and us. "It's not a prank," Joe calls to him.

"Mari, your pants leg is on fire," Diana says and takes the person from me. I stop, drop and put out the flames.

Couple of things about this section. I think you should name this 'person' who is rescued much earlier. Repeating 'person' sounds weird imo. Also, they seem to be able to carry this person without any trouble, and pass her around like she's a ragdoll. I think it would improve the realism if you mention how heavy the person is, how awkward to move and lift.

Something wet and sticky. I pull my hand away and red. I sniff it. Blood. Feeling for the spot and then finding it, I rip the fabric away from it. She's cut. "Joe, jacket NOW."

This part is fragmented imo. Maybe link a couple of the sentences there together?

'I feel something wet and sticky, pull my hand away and see the red on my palm. It's blood. I feel for the spot, find it and rip the fabric away. She's cut.'

?

I like the fast-paced action, and there are things here I want to know more about - like the psychic cousin - the weird message she sends. It's fun and exciting - well done.

 

[JoanDrake]

Wish I could do that!

So do I, but I have seen people do it. At least it seemed they did.

 

[Kylara]

Hehehe I can text pretty fast...You can even type faster if you have certain keyboard add-ons :wink: walks off texting ridiculously fast...

 

[subtletylost]

If any one is interested I can post the first three parts of this chapter. This comes as a later part of the chapter which right now is about 4500 words in all but i have it split into neat chunks: one of 1100 words one of 1310 words two of 1030 words. I have added to this part since posting it so it's up to 1030 words now.

If your interested I am going to post the first part of the chapter soon, so look for it.