Doomed Chapter 1 part 1 1100 words

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subtletylost

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I already have part of this chapter posted. But I am going to post the rest slowly over the next week or so.

Here you go. Have at it. (Like the other I won't implement changes until September.)

~~
I slam my locker shut. Joe and Anna flinch.

"Are you mad?" Anna asks me.

I stare at her and think for a minute, what would give her that idea? "Mad? No my locker won't shut without being slammed. You know

Joe shakes his head. I can see in his eyes that he doesn't believe me. "So the slamming of the locker has nothing to do with the posters around the school?"

I turn and walk away, eyeing the posters with undisguised hatred. They cover nearly every inch of every wall. Someone snuck in and put them up over the weekend. I pray that the gods find the culprit before I do. "I know that people have the right to believe in whatever they want, but these posters urging people to stop believing in the gods and join this monotheistic religion are just plain idiotic and offensive. I don't force people to believe in the gods if they don't want to. Why would I join a religion if I have to force it on people?"

"I hear that people do want to have to read this huge book and follow its every word. I also heard that they aren't allowed to play video games," Joe says.

"I hear that they're required to bite the heads off live chickens," Anna pipes up. I turn and look at her. Her eyes are bright and she's giggling.

I hear footsteps, Oh, crud it must be a teacher, and turn around. It's not a teacher it's even worse. Jamie and her thugs stand there like they own the school. "You," she points at us, "are all a bunch of ignorant snotmunchers."

"Snotmunchers? What are you like eight? Grow up and get a life," I say.

She grabs me and slams me against the lockers. "Me get a life? I have a life."

"A life behind bars maybe."

"You really think that you're in a position to make jokes? I bet you wouldn't know a true religion if it jumped up and bit you on the butt. Nothing you supposedly know about this religion is true," Jamie stated.

"You know what," Anna began, "you're right. It's not true. Obviously you could scare the heads off the chickens."

Jamie's thugs chuckle at this. I do too, it's funny and accurate.

"You still think this is funny? How. About. Now." Each of her last words were punctuated with a punch to the gut. "Maybe you need a lesson in religion. Darrell. The book."

Darrell, the only soulless ginger I've ever met, reaches into his bag. He pulls out a book bigger than the dictionary and hands it to Jamie.

"Is that--" I begin. She hits my head.

"This is the bible. The holy word of my god." She says.

"You can't have that at school." Regret. She hits me again. I fall to the floor.

"If you can read the Metamorphoses at school, then I can certainly read the bible. Now are you going to give up yet?"

"Give up?" She hits me again. My vision blurs. I hope a teacher comes. Anna rushes forward.

Hands grab me. I get pulled away. Something trickles down my cheek. I swipe my hand at it. My head is pounding.

"Fight, fight, fight!" Who?

"Alright! Break it up!" Mr. Klark comes up. He pulls Anna and Jamie apart.

"But," Jamie starts.

"No buts. You and your pals, to my office now!" They go off in a huff. He turns to Anna. "Are you out of your mind, Waddell? It's not like you to get in a fight. What happened?"

I sit up, my vision clears and she points to me. "They hit her with a book," she says.

"A really big book," Joe adds in. He helps me to stand up. I pull away from him for a second.

"Anna," I say. "please go open my locker and hand me my asprin."

She does it and I pop the top off the asprins and take one.

"Don't you think you should take some water with them?" a voice I've never heard asks.

"Should yes. Will no. I never take water with aspirin," i respond slowly turning around to see who said it. A girl in a white dress stands there, I've never seen her before.

"Are you okay? You seem wobbly," the girl says.

I try not to stare at her, but I can't help it. Something about her just screams look at me, acknowledge my existence.

"Ah yes Maritza," Mr Klark says, motioning to the girl, "this is Diana Rachels, she is a new student. I want you and your friends to show her around. I suggest you start with the nurse's office. You don't have to but if i don't tell you to I get in trouble. You really should get her to look at your head." He turns to Anna. "If Jamie really hit her with as big a book as you say then you are excused from fighting. Or rather from the consequences of fighting. I'll be checking the cameras." He walks away.

I straighten up. "So, Diana is it?" Iook at the girl and she nods. "Rachels? that's an interesting last name. Where are you from?"

"Italy. Every heard of the pantheon? I lived near it." She smiles.

"You live near the Pantheon? What's it like? Is it as they say?"

"Lived, it was cool, and yes yes it is. Aren't you supposed to be showing me around?"

"Okay, fine. Let the grand tour begin. This is the 700's hall. Also known as the hall of math and history." I spread my arms wide to indicate the entire hall. "Every history class this school offers is on this hall. there is one science class at the other end and most of the math classes are on this hall."

"What's with the posters? They seem to be everywhere."

"Oh those? Some vandal snuck in and put them up. Ignore them hopefully they'll begone by tomorrow. Now-" I walk over to the double doors at the end of the hall. "these separate the math's from the language arts. This-" I point to the door on the left. "is room 713 Ms. Karen's room. She teaches English II. Those-" I point across to the doors on the right. "are rooms 715 and 714 from right to left. They are Ms. Swett and Ms. Franklin respectively who teach Latin and English 4 respectively."

"Your school offers Latin? Cool. Mine did too."

"Yeah, wanna meet Ms. Swett? I think she's here already."
 
Para 7 is not realistic as dialogue, She'd much more likely just say "these are idiotic and offensive" as anyone can see what's on them.

The rest seems okay. I'd have to read more to see if I would find it interesting.
 
So I should change that paragraph and describe the posters somewhere else, somewhere not in dialogue? That would make sense thanks Joan. While I am waiting for more responses to this I think I'll post the next part.
 
I already have part of this chapter posted. But I am going to post the rest slowly over the next week or so.

Here you go. Have at it. (Like the other I won't implement changes until September.)

~~
I slam my locker shut. Joe and Anna flinch.

"Are you mad?" Anna asks me.

I stare at her and think for a minute, what would give her that idea? "Mad? No my locker won't shut without being slammed. You know[.]"

Joe shakes his head. I can see in his eyes that he doesn't believe me. "So the slamming of the locker has nothing to do with the posters around the school?"

I turn and walk away, eyeing the posters with undisguised hatred. They cover nearly every inch of every wall. Someone snuck in and put them up over the weekend. I pray that the gods find the culprit before I do. "I know that people have the right to believe in whatever they want, but these posters urging people to stop believing in the gods and join this monotheistic religion are just plain idiotic and offensive. I don't force people to believe in the gods if they don't want to. Why would I join a religion if I have to force it on people?"

"I hear that people do want to have to read this huge book and follow its every word. I also heard that they aren't allowed to play video games," Joe says.

"I hear that they're required to bite the heads off live chickens," Anna pipes up. I turn and look at her. Her eyes are bright and she's giggling.

I hear footsteps, Oh, crud it must be a teacher, and turn around. It's not a teacher it's even worse. Jamie and her thugs stand there like they own the school. "You," she points at us, "are all a bunch of ignorant snotmunchers."

"Snotmunchers? What are you like eight? Grow up and get a life," I say.

She grabs me and slams me against the lockers. "Me get a life? I have a life."

"A life behind bars maybe."

"You really think that you're in a position to make jokes? I bet you wouldn't know a true religion if it jumped up and bit you on the butt. Nothing you supposedly know about this religion is true," Jamie stated.

"You know what," Anna began, "you're right. It's not true. Obviously you could scare the heads off the chickens."

Jamie's thugs chuckle at this. I do too, it's funny and accurate.

"You still think this is funny? How. About. Now." Each of her last words were punctuated with a punch to the[my] gut. "Maybe you need a lesson in religion. Darrell. The book."

Darrell, the only soulless ginger I've ever met, reaches into his bag. He pulls out a book bigger than the dictionary and hands it to Jamie.

"Is that--" I begin. She hits my head. I think you can move the fact that she's hitting him to right after he's cut off, without "I begin" to better effect

"This is the bible. The holy word of my god." She says.

"You can't have that at school." Regret. She hits me again. I fall to the floor.

"If you can read [T]he Metamorphoss at school, then I can certainly 'certainly' seems very polite for a bully read the bible. Now are you going to give up yet?"

"Give up?" She hits me again. My vision blurs. I hope a teacher comes. This seems a little low-key, considering the situation, maybe 'Please let a teacher come'?Anna rushes forward.

Hands grab me. I get pulled away. Something trickles down my cheek. I swipe my hand at it. My head is pounding.

"Fight, fight, fight!" Who?

"Alright! Break it up!" Mr. Klark comes up. He pulls Anna and Jamie apart.

"But," Jamie starts.

"No buts. You and your pals, to my office now!" They go off in a huff. He turns to Anna. If he turns to Anna, why is he addressing the narrator? "Are you out of your mind, Waddell? It's not like you to get in a fight. What happened?"

I sit up, my vision clears and she points to me. "They hit her with a book," she says.

"A really big book," Joe adds in. He helps me to stand up. I pull away from him for a second.

"Anna," I say[,] "please go open my locker and hand me my asprin."

She does it and I pop the top off the asprins and take one.

"Don't you think you should take some water with them?" a voice I've never heard asks.

"Should[,] yes. Will[,]no. I never take water with aspirin," respond[,]slowly turning around to see who said it. A girl in a white dress stands there, I've never seen her before.

"Are you okay? You seem wobbly," the girl says.

I try not to stare at her, but I can't help it. Something about her just screams look at me, acknowledge my existence.

"Ah yes[,] Maritza," Mr[.] Klark says, motioning to the girl, "this is Diana Rachels,why does he call her Maritza? she is a new student. I want you and your friends to show her around. I suggest you start with the nurse's office. You don't have to but if i don't tell you to[,] I get in trouble. You really should get her to look at your head." He turns to Anna. "If Jamie really hit her with as big a book as you say then you are excused from fighting. Or rather[,]from the consequences of fighting. I'll be checking the cameras." He walks away.

I straighten up. "So, Diana is it?" I [l]ook at the girl and she nods. "Rachels? that's an interesting last name. Where are you from?"

"Italy. Every heard of the [P]antheon? I lived near it." She smiles.

"You live near the Pantheon? What's it like? Is it as they say?" That last line feels a little out of place for kids. As who says? And what do they say?

"Lived, it was cool, and yes[,] yes[,] it is. Aren't you supposed to be showing me around?"

"Okay, fine. Let the grand tour begin. This is the 700's hall. Also known as the hall of math and history." I spread my arms wide to indicate the entire hall. "Every history class this school offers is on this hall. [T]here is one science class at the other end and most of the math classes are on this hall."

"What's with the posters? They seem to be everywhere."

"Oh those? Some vandal I would suggest a different word here, 'vandal' sounds very old-fashioned for a kid to say snuck in and put them up. Ignore them[,] hopefully they'll begone by tomorrow. Now[,]" I walk over to the double doors at the end of the hall, "these separate the math's from the language arts. This[,]" I point to the door on the left. "is room 713[,]Ms. Karen's room. She teaches English II. Those[,]" I point across to the doors on the right[,] "are rooms 715 and 714 from right to left. They are Ms. Swett and Ms. Franklin[,] respectively[,]who teach Latin and English [Four][,] respectively." (usual rule is to spell out numbers from one to nine, and big, round numbers like a thousand or a million)

"Your school offers Latin? Cool. Mine did too."

"Yeah, wanna meet Ms. Swett? I think she's here already."


Missing commas was the main thing I noticed, not a big deal. The other thing that struck me was a very formal kind of dialog for students. It didn't come off as entirely believable. In that last paragraph, I just changed the dashes to commas because dashes in dialog usually indicate an interruption instead of a pause like the narrator was doing.

Other than those issues, I am intrigued to see where this goes (beyond the other sections already posted, of course:))
 
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