Redrafted Sweet Shop Scene (476 words)

[Tecdavid]

This is a passage from my WIP which I posted here once before, some time back. I've redrafted it now, having put the advice and feedback I recieved to use, and I was wondering whether anyone would like to take a peek.

Context and premise: Oswin is showing his friend Erril, and newly-met acquaintance Ailsa, around his favourite sweet shop, in an attempt to lift Ailsa's mood. What took place shortly before this scene dampened Ailsa's spirits deeply. Neither she nor Erril have seen any place like it, of its scale, before.
The three characters are roughly 17 years old. Scene is written from Erril's POV, and the target audience is teenage readers.

---

A wild, wavering ocean of colours swept across the walls as if a madman did the decorating. The halls, tables and counters were laden with toy-like gadgets, all goofy, garish, massive, or miniscule.

Erril glanced around the place, and all of a sudden, he remembered that little sweet shop of Alcander’s as being very, very cramped indeed. He stuck close to Ailsa, but his eyes did no such thing – they swept around the store, as quickly as the children who darted around the tables.

A gigantic jar of tall, rainbow poles caught his eye. Rock-candy – so large they were pillar-like – wrapped in spiralling scarves of candyfloss. His teeth ached at the sight, but those widened eyes of his glimmered.

They peered to the right, and there was a river of ice-cream, snaking and meandering across the shop, amidst a marzipan countryside. He watched some children pull a lever, and down came a hail of sweets into that river’s frosty flow. The children picked up bowls, and filled them from the riverside, as if sifting for gold.

He tugged Ailsa’s arm, and gave her a clumsy smile. There was no telling what she thought from behind that worried, woeful face, and Erril supposed that was to be expected. Looking at all this madness, he wondered whether to be worried himself. Remember when the corner shop got those bigger bars of chocolate stocked? He smirked a little, She did her share of smiling then.

The three walked onward, and Erril pointed out something hung from the wall: a large golden tube, shaped like a Swiss Horn, which was belching bubbles that drifted playfully through the shop, and within each was a generously large gobstopper, kept afloat by goodness-knew-what. A sign beside it read: “Find a Golden Gobstopper and take it to the counter to claim your prize!”

Erril could have been trudging through a jungle filled with snakes and spiders, the way his head darted around. Ailsa could have plodding through a library.

Oswin, however, bounced with every step, like a child himself. People darted by, hoping to catch the next gobstopper drifting their way. To see all this, Erril couldn’t believe those chocolate bars had once impressed him, and he –

What is that!?

– had to duck, to avoid getting smacked in the face by a cheering doll, whizzing through the air on a pouch that streamed sherbet in rainbows.

He picked himself up, dusted off his jacket . . .

And was knocked aside by a group of children with their tongues stuck out, trying to catch that sherbet like snowflakes.

This place could be worse than the training grounds, actually.

‘Help yourselves, folks,’ beamed Oswin, ‘Treat’s on me,’ and off he ran. It looked as though he intended to be generous in that offer, as he shot his hands into every jar and bowl on display.

 

[EricWard]

Without knowing the specifics of Ailsa's problem, I enjoyed this. A really good sense of the place being madcap that didn't make me think of Willy Wonka (that being the first place people would probably think of, but I got a very distinct picture).

The POV also didn't intrude on the narrative. It really meshed well. Nicely done.

 

[Hex]

I liked it (especially the doll and the sherbert and the children) but I can't decide about the alliteration. In the end, I think I decided it added to the craziness and worked well. However, in the interests of dividing the bit about Ailsa from the madness of their surroundings, 'worried, woeful face' didn't work for me there.

(there's a missing 'been' here: Ailsa could have BEEN plodding through a library.)

 

[JoanDrake]

This is really well written as communicating what you say you're trying to but I think one thing is crucial. Are we in the real world, or a somewhat 'magical' place?

 

[Brian G Turner]

I disagree - it did remind me of Willy Wonka - that madcap world of sweets and chocolate.

I don't know what your previous piece read like, but I really enjoyed this, and somehow I doubt many will find the subject offensive.

I didn't stumble over anything to distract from the narrative either, so well done.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

The only thing that kind of stood out was the did in the first sentence, I wondered if had done might have been smoother. I liked it the last time, I like it even more this time.

 

[Kylara]

A note, be careful of too much alliteration too close together, it can get a little wearing and starts to stick out (even if unintentionally) I was just about at my limit in the first paragraph with w, g and m...A few of the italic thoughts pulled me a little not many people say 'remember' to themselves in their head...I liked the idea, and it seemed quite madcap, but I wasn't sure on the size of the place, whether it was small and frantic or large and humming. It works well though with the narration and voice weaving pretty well together (I haven't read much of your stuff and this is a little short to capture/determine writing style over character style :wink: ) and it had a nice bouncy rhythm...

 

[The Judge]

I think this is a great advance on the previous version. Well done.

However... although you've made strides in getting Erril into this, as opposed to just a lot of description, it still felt a bit too removed from him, and I'd have liked it to be closer -- and I still don't feel he's 17, somehow.

I'm in nit-picky mood, sorry...

blue = suggested deletions
red = suggested additions/amendments
purple = comments

A wild, wavering ocean of colours swept across the walls as if a madman had done [did] the decorating. The halls, tables and counters ["halls" are not the same kind of thing as tables and counters and can't be laden in the same way, so it's jarring] were laden with toy-like gadgets – [, all] goofy, garish, massive and [, or] miniscule. [um... they could all be goofy and garish, but they can't possibly all be massive or miniscule]

Erril glanced [glanced? Is that all? Just a quick look?]around the place [can't we have a more evocative word than "place"?], and all of a sudden [why "all of a sudden" -- surely the first thing he'd do is compare it with what he recalled] [,] he remembered that [I'd question "that" unless they have been speaking of the shop immediately before this scene. Otherwise, "the"] little sweet shop of Alcander’s as being very, very cramped indeed. He stuck close to Ailsa, but his eyes did no such thing [this "no such thing" to me is distancing and too adult -- it's like we're being told by an omniscient narrator] – they swept around the store, as quickly as the children who darted around the tables.

A gigantic jar of tall, rainbow poles caught his eye. Rock-candy – so large they [rock-candy should take a singular pronoun -- ie "it" -- so if you want the plural you have to make it something like "Rock-candy sticks"] were pillar-like – wrapped in spiralling scarves of candyfloss. His teeth ached at the sight, but those widened eyes [again this is from the POV of someone watching him and telling us] of his glimmered. [how would he know?]

They peered [do you mean the children as a group, or his eyes which were the subject of the last sub-clause? Either way it's awkward. It's also distancing. Try to avoid peered/looked/watched. Here you could instead have the more immediate "To his right a river of ice cream snaked and meandered...] peered to the right, and there was [avoid "there was" and use a stronger verb] a river of ice-cream, snaking and meandering across the shop, through [amidst] [I don't think a river can be "amid" a countryside, it's in it. Plus if you read that out loud the "st" is a touch clumsy] a marzipan countryside. [He watched] Some ["some" pulled "a" -- can't he count how many on one lever? Or do you mean several children pulled a lever each?] children pulled a lever, and down came a hail of sweets into that river’s frosty flow. The children picked up bowls, and filled them from the riverside, [um... no... you fill a bucket of water from the river itself not the riverside] as if sifting for gold. [the imagery doesn't quite work for me -- in panning, one lets the water flow through the pan and out again, saving only the silt -- aren't the children also eating the ice cream?]

He tugged Ailsa’s arm, and gave her a clumsy smile. There was no telling what she thought [from] behind that worried, woeful face, and Erril supposed that was to be expected. [as written this means it's to be expected he can't tell what she thought, which I don't think is quite what you intend] Looking at all this madness, he wondered whether to be worried himself. [does this make sense in context? It reads odd that he should be worried here] Remember when the corner shop got those bigger bars of chocolate stocked? He smirked a little, She did her share of smiling then. [why smirked? He's feeling superior, supercilious, because of it?]

The three walked onward, and Erril pointed out something hanging [hung] [alternatively "which hung" but that leads to an ungainly repetition of "which"] from the wall: a large golden tube, shaped like a Swiss horn, which was belching bubbles that drifted playfully through the shop. [, and] Within each bubble [sentence is getting too long if it continues, and a change of subject is potentially confusing -- if you want a longer sentence then you need "within each of which" which again is a little ungainly] was [can we get a better verb?] a generously large gobstopper, kept afloat by goodness-knew-what. [um... if the gobstopper is in the bubble, then surely it's the bubble keeping it aloft?] A sign beside the tube [it] [otherwise this means beside the gobstopper which was the last single subject] read: “Find a Golden Gobstopper and take it to the counter to claim your prize!”

Erril could have been trudging through a jungle filled with snakes and spiders, [something of a non sequitur -- it isn't only a jungle which causes people to look so keenly, they can do this at wonders, and this unnecessary imagery brings a note of unpleasantness which is very jarring to the scene, undermining everything. If you want the hint that this is not quite as pleasant a place as it seems you need to make him feel something, I think, not use this semi-simile] the way his head darted around. [again very distancing -- we're seeing him from the outside] Ailsa could have been plodding through a library.

Oswin, however, bounced with every step, like a child himself. [suggest linking this with the previous para to which it belongs -- but before Ailsa's sentence which is a better ending]

[suggest new para as not related to the other sentence]People [people? Or children?] darted [that's the third "darted" in the scene, and one was only a paragraph ago] by, hoping to catch the next gobstopper drifting their way. [not sure why this is here -- surely makes more sense with the other gobstopper bit, unless he's nearly knocked over] [To see all this,] Erril couldn’t believe those chocolate bars had once impressed him, and he –

What is that!?

– [had to] ducked, [I'd suggest breaking this sentence up and re-wording to make it more immediate -- you lose the impact (ha!) by making it too wordy with the "to avoid"] to avoid getting smacked in the face by a cheering doll, [the doll is cheering? Hasn't he heard the noise before? Thinking about it, have we heard any noise, or smelled anything?] whizzing through the air on a pouch that streamed sherbet in rainbows.

He picked himself up, dusted off his jacket . . . [er... he ducked. He didn't fall to the floor. So how is his jacket dusty?]

And was knocked aside by a group of children with their tongues sticking [stuck] out, trying to catch the [that] sherbet like snowflakes. [I know what you mean -- they're trying to catch the sherbet as children will try to catch snowflakes on their tongues -- but it needs to be re-written I think. The "like" is wrong. I tried "as if it were" but sherbet takes the singular and snowflakes is plural, so you need to change one or other to get them to agree]

This place could be worse than the training grounds, actually. [I found this rather odd, coming out of nowhere. Again if you want the feeling that it is dangerous, you need to do a little more]

‘Help yourselves, folks,’ beamed ["beamed" is a facial expression, not a way of speaking. So either you need a true dialogue tag such as "said" (boring, I know) or " '... folks.' Oswin beamed. 'Treats...' " with a separate sentence] Oswin. ‘Treat's [either comma and lower case "t" or full stop and capital, not a mix and match. With the apostrophe, is he properly saying "The treat [single] is on me" or "The treats are on me"? If the former, then you're right. If the latter, no apostrophe] on me.’ And off he ran. It looked as though he intended to be generous in that offer, [off/offer so close together a little ungainly]as he shot his hands into every jar and bowl on display.

Sorry about the mass of purple! It looks worse than it is -- I just like to talk a lot!

Apart from the distancing I've commented upon, the only real problem I had was with the alliteration -- while, as Hex says, I can appreciate it goes with the whacky environment, if you are wanting to be very close to Erril, you have to use his tone of voice and way of speaking. (I'm rather assuming he isn't the kind of teenager to alliterate normally, of course. If he is then this is how you should continue -- though, frankly, I'd stil question it!)

If you want to distance yourself from him to allow for the alliteration, as with the omniscient narrator feel of watching him, then I think you have to jettison the internal thoughts. For me, the two together are unsettling.

But, as I say, much better than the previous version. More immediate, more involving. I think you could do a little better yet, but this is good work. Well done.

 

[Tecdavid]

Thanks for the comments so far!

Hex, thanks for pointing out the missing word. Sort of makes me wish I could edit posts at any time.
Yes, JoanDrake, the story takes place in a fantasy setting. I'm sorry I forgot to mention that.
And the place happens to be quite large and spacious, Kylara.

I really hope you are, in fact, just in a nit-picky mood, Judge, because... that honestly frightened me. There's a few things you've pointed out which I myself thought I'd removed (such as the way I worded "massive or miniscule", for one), but when you mention involvement... I'm not so sure how I can better it. His internal thoughts throughout the story are how I've intended to show his take on things, as I feel more comfortable doing it that way, and I thought an insight into his actual thoughts would be more intimate than showing things through his eyes. I'm aware that the narration jumps between Erril's POV and an omniscient narrator, but I think this is sort of what I'm going for, perhaps because I've written it this way -- more of less -- throughout the story's entirety, and most who've read it didn't seem bothered by it. Can that style simply not work, do you think?
And are you sure everything that you've mentioned really is quite so dire? The children pulling the lever, for example: does the amount of children pulling it really matter so much? (This is another matter that worries me a bit -- how exact or detailed can everything be before it begins to over-emphasise?)
That said, thank you so much for taking the time to point out all this and explain. I really appreciate it.

This scene is by far the story's most madcap and whimsical, which may explain the heavy alliteration (although perhaps I do have a weakness for it), Erril’s relatively ‘sensible’ approach, and the few paragraphs of description.

 

[The Judge]

I really hope you are, in fact, just in a nit-picky mood, Judge, because... that honestly frightened me.

Sorry. The talons start itching and there's nothing I can do...

His internal thoughts throughout the story are how I've intended to show his take on things, as I feel more comfortable doing it that way, and I thought an insight into his actual thoughts would be more intimate than showing things through his eyes.

Certainly they can be, though I'm not a fan of them myself, but I had a problem with both the thoughts and the omniscient narrator coming together like this. But if this is a deliberate technique, and no one else is complaining, just ignore me.

And are you sure everything that you've mentioned really is quite so dire?

Nothing is dire! It's just things which, as I read, I thought "Hold on" so I pulled them out to show you in case you hadn't noticed them. You then have the choice of whether to re-think them or leave them. Some may be errors you hadn't intended which you might want to correct; some may be deliberate stylistic choices which you intend to keep. It's your work -- I'm just showing things which made me pause. The danger is, that the more things I see, the less likely I am to become truly involved in a scene -- and once that starts happening I notice more and more oddities and get less and less involved. If it's only me noticing these things -- as is evidently the case here -- then you're fine. But if I were pulling out stuff which others might notice, then you might have a problem.

The children pulling the lever, for example: does the amount of children pulling it really matter so much? (This is another matter that worries me a bit -- how exact or detailed can everything be before it begins to over-emphasise?)

The number of children pulling doesn't matter so much as it made me wonder what you meant -- was it one large lever, or lots of small ones and "Three children pulled on a lever" instantly gives me a better picture. You don't have to be exact in numbers, but a bit of detail would help to give us an idea -- a couple, a half-dozen, about ten. We don't need precise measurements, but general descriptors such things like "large" are so nebulous we don't always know what might be meant -- as large as a cricket ball, a football, a person, a house, a planet? Giving some detail helps to make it specific while still allowing our imaginations to play with the overall picture.


I happen to be a detail-oriented person, so I notice things anyway, and after umpteen years of perusing legal documents the habit of nit-picking is hard to let go. If it helps in any way, use it. If you don't think it helps, ignore it!

 

[Tecdavid]

I suppose I just get a little anxious. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to look at this, Judge! I'll try to put your points to practice while looking over this scene again. It can be difficult trying to find the right balance for everything, and it can start to feel like quite an undertaking when you learn even the littler details can affect the quality of a scene.
And I'll try to pay closer attention to involvement as I press on through this redraft.

 

[Gabe.]

I enjoyed reading this piece. I think you captured the POV of somebody being entranced in something magical, and personal to them, really well. I would second The Judge in saying that I didn't really get a sense of the age of characters being seventeen, but it's a very short excerpt so that need not be a problem.

Just on a minor note, I liked the final use of 'beamed' as a mode of speech. Obviously it isn't actually a way that you can speak, but that didn't throw me as the idea came across; the way I pictured it was that the generosity of his offer came across more on his face than even in the words that he was saying.

Sorry I can't offer more critical advice, I'm not really in the mood to pick on small pieces of grammar or words that might be a little out of order. Besides, it reads as very polished and it has a good flow.

 

[JoanDrake]

I was watching a tv show about how they make real ice cream (like by the ton) and it sort of clarified something which had been bothering me about this but I couldn't quite identify. Ice cream is a strange substance. I like both hard ice cream and soft ice cream but ice cream that can actually flow is, at least in my experience, sorta icky and not at all appetising.

I suppose you could get away with it in a magical world where things actually get COLDER as they sit, or something like that. Or maybe it's just that I never could watch Willy Wonka, it made my teeth hurt.