Doomed Chapter 1 part 3 1032 words

[subtletylost]

Part 3 I can't think of what to say here. It's been a while since I've even looked at this part. I assume that my main concerns should be grammar and dialogue, but I am not really sure.

~~~

We went in to Ms. Swain's room. "There is an empty desk near where I sit. I'm pretty sure that you can sit there. Swainey! Are you in here anywhere?"

"For the last time, Maritza: don't call me Swainey!"

"Oh really why not? You keep telling me, but remind me again."

Ms. Swain comes out from in her office. "How do you feel about summer detention? Plus four weeks of housecleaning? What about changing a seven month old baby's dirty diaper?"

"Detention? In summer? More focused time to sleep and write. Four weeks of house cleaning? I already clean your house. Changing Rohan's dirty diaper? I do that already when I baby sit him. Come on Aunt Jennica. You can do so much better." Those threats are meaningless to me and she knows it.

"I guess I could always send you to Mr. Anton's office," she says casually.

I can see her peering slyly over her shoulder. Mr. Anton. The scariest man in the school.

"Who's Mr. Anton?" Diana asks.

"He's the principal," Anna states.

"He's the scariest creepiest person in the whole school," Joe adds.

"Now don't be too rash. I am sure we can work something out. I won't call you Swainey anymore. Now can we just forget this. Oh yeah, Ms. Swain we have a new student. Diana, this is Ms. Swain. Ms. Swain this is Diana. She moved here from Rome."

"It's very nice to meet you. The only empty desk is near Maritza, I am sure she'll help you find it. Maritza. I could do worse. I still remember what your mother called you when you were little." She leans down and whispers in my ear. "Little Fuzzy PumpkyWumpky." My face goes red. She straightens up. "Now I could call you that in front of the whole class or you can go sit down and try to erase the word Swainey from your vocabulary. Your choice." She turns around and goes back to her office.

I walk back to my seat. Pointing at the seat next to me, "That one is empty."

I lay my head down on my desk and sigh. Why does she still remember that? My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and lay it on the desk. It's a message from Sarah.

I had a vision.

I sigh and reply, What else is new?

The phone vibrates again. You are in danger.

That can't be good. Danger of what? I've already got beaten up by Jamie. Don't tell dad.

What's red, orange and yellow? Always hot never mellow. It will fill the air with smoke causing people to choke.

I hate easy riddles. Fire.

Where r u?

Ms. Swain's room.

The school then?

Yes.

People will get hurt. No one will see it until it's too late. Be careful today.

I will.

I contemplate telling the others, but decide not to worry them. Sarah's visions don't always mean what she thinks they do. A vision of fire? That really can't be good. Even if it doesn't really mean a fire. People start coming into the class room and I put my phone up. Some of them look at Diana questioningly but most ignore her. When the class room is mostly full, the bell rings. Ms. Swain walks back into the room and sits at her desk. She opens the crappy school computer and turns on the activboard. She types in the computer for everyone to be quiet. The scattered few who are still talking, stop and she stands up.

"Today we have a new student. Please stand up and introduce yourself to the class."

Diana stands up. "Ciao. My name is Diana. It's nice to meet you."

"Does anyone have any questions for Diana?"

Tommy Pratt stands up and says, "I do. Where are you from?"

"Good question. Rome, Italy." Diana answers.

"One more. Can you speak Italian?"

She chuckles and then says, "Mi suona come un idiota quando chiedo un italiana se possono parlare italiano."

"Interesting. Can you tell us what that means? Please." Ms. Swain is smiling. She must already know, she did spend a couple summers in Italy.

"It roughly translates to: I sound like an idiot when I ask an Italian if they can speak Italian."

Everybody laughs and Tommy sits back down. Some kid on the other side of the room stands up. I can't remember her name but she's popular so I could care less. "I have a question. If you grew up in Italy, how come you can speak such good English?"

"I can understand that question, they teach English as a second language in all Italian schools. But I can speak it better than most of my old class because every summer for the last eight years I would stay with my uncle in England."

"Oh okay." She sits back down. Diana sits back down.

"If there are no more questions, I'll begin the lesson. Today we're going to learn about the predator prey relationship, food chains and food webs. Can anybody give me an example of a predator prey relationship?" Diana raises her hand. "Yes Diana."

"The Arctic Wolf feeds off bears, elk, seals and sometimes small children."

"Yes, wait really? Small children? Must be when they're really desperate. Okay yes. Any other guesses?"

Someone in the back of the room yells out. "It's a dog eat dog world. Dog one is the predator, must be a German Shepard. Dog two is the prey and must be a Chihuahua or some other tiny excuse of a dog."

"That's," Ms. Swain begins, then she stops for a minute, and then continues, "a completely logical argument. Not an answer I was expecting but I really can't find fault in the argument you make."

I stare off into space, until Diana hits my arm. "What?" I ask her.

"I suppose you didn't hear the question. Humans eating domestic animals like cows, pigs and chickens is not an example of a predator prey relationship. Why?"

"Oh it's because we don't hunt them but humans eating deer, fish or any other wild animal that they caught and killed for food would be a predator prey relationship."

 

[prizzley]

"I guess I could always send you to Mr. Anton's office," she says.

I can see her peering slyly over her shoulder. Mr. Anton. The scariest man in the school. Is she being ironic here? Does this threat worry her or does she think it's a bluff?

"He's the principal," Anna says.

I consider "contemplate"doesn't seem teenage volcabulary telling the others, but decide not to worry them.

"Today we have a new student. Please stand and introduce yourself to the class."

Diana stands. "Ciao. My name is Diana. It's nice to meet you."

"Does anyone have any questions for Diana?"

Tommy Pratt stands and says, "I do. Where are you from?"

Everybody laughs and Tommy sits.

"Oh okay." She sits. So does Diana.

"That's," Ms. Swain begins, then she stops for a minute literally a minute? maybe a second?, and then continues, "a completely logical argument. Not an answer I was expecting but I really can't find fault in the argument you make." This last bit is repetitive.

I stare off into space, until Diana hits my arm. "What?" I ask her. Not needed

The exchange between Maritza and Ms. Swain: all my sympathies are with Swain. Maritza comes across as the niece/student from hell. She taking advantage of the unfortunate position her aunt is in and it doesn’t endear her to me. But Round One to Swain - good IMO. Nor does the exchange seem quite real. To me more like it’s taking place in Maritza’s head. And maybe that where it should be to avoid the conclusion I’ve drawn.

 

[Brian G Turner]

To me, a problem here is that there is barely any actual prose outside of dialogue tags.

In other words, the characters are talking the story, when ideally they should be adding to it.

Additionally, the dialogue doesn't actually seem to be telling us much - it veers between different subjects without underlining any particular thing as important.

 

[Bowler1]

The dialogue seems ok, but it moves around a lot and I'm not sure what the point is. You give us some simple actions from the characters, but that's all you have given us, stand up & sit down. There are no descriptions of the room, people or any other background information. There is little emotion from the character, and I would expect more emotion from a 1st person POV. You as the writer have to put the reader into the room more, colours, smells and all that stuff. For me, because of all this missing depth, it feels a little flat to me.

 

[Spellblade]

The dialogue flows well, but doesn't reveal much. I found myself skipping lines in order to get to the point and get a better idea of what's going on in order to better understand. The text message exchange is what I found most interesting and original.

Like Bowler started, this is a 1st pov narrative, but we are lacking emotionnal connection in order to better grasp the mood and atmosphere of the story.

 

[Glitch]

As other have said the dialogue seems ok, although I'm not sure what the scene is trying to accomplish.

It does seem to be leaning towards a screenplay - my work seems to fall into that trap too.

 

[subtletylost]

Forgive me for this brief celebration. People finally say my dialogue is okay!!!! Yay!

Now I'll be serious. Thank you for giving me these helpful tips. I started working on fixing the problems right away. When I posted I had forgotten how little description and things going on were actually in this classroom scene. I'm thinking now I should have Mari fall asleep and dream instead of trying to figure out how to make a science lesson fit in a fantasy story.

I'm thinking now: "If no one else has any questions for Diana, then let's begin today's lesson. Food chains."

I sigh and lay my head on the desk. I hate how it smells like a mixture of dust, wood, pine sol and lemons. I close my eyes and listen as Ms. Swain's voice changes into a soft droning at the edge of my mind.

What do you think? Falling asleep a good way to avoid the science lesson that was really pointless anyway?

 

[JoanDrake]

I liked the texted conversation. As far as the rest I have to say it didn't sound 'real' somehow. I even tried reading it out loud and it didn't help, but again, the texted conversation was very good and I think they are very difficult to capture correctly.

I'm sorry to be so critical, and it might just be that this is a chapter within. If I'd had some other chapters to get used to this I'm sure I'd like it more.

Your writing is very lean and spare and this is what I've always heard good writing should be, the problem could be me actually.

 

[Colbey Frost]

Part 3 I can't think of what to say here. It's been a while since I've even looked at this part. I assume that my main concerns should be grammar and dialogue, but I am not really sure.

~~~

We went in to Ms. Swain's room. "There is an empty desk near where I sit. I'm pretty sure that you can sit there. Swainey! Are you in here anywhere?"

"For the last time, Maritza: don't call me Swainey!"

"Oh really why not? You keep telling me, but remind me again."

I had to read the above a couple of time because when you say, “We went in to Ms. Swain’s room” I think of a bare room, small, through a normal door. But it turns out to an office. But when she calling out to Swainey, this seems weird if you’ve already built up a simple room in your head… also I’m thinking the MC is a girl at this point.

Ms. Swain comes out from in her office. "How do you feel about summer detention? Plus four weeks of housecleaning? What about changing a seven month old baby's dirty diaper?"

"Detention? In summer? More focused time to sleep and write. Four weeks of house cleaning? I already clean your house. Changing Rohan's dirty diaper? I do that already when I baby sit him. Come on Aunt Jennica. You can do so much better." Those threats are meaningless to me and she knows it. (Adding a speech tag here is just confirming what you’ve said. Also, picking up on everything the aunt said like a list doesn’t work for me. An overall defiance would work better I think.)

"I guess I could always send you to Mr. Anton's office," she says casually. (she says casually is showing a lack of confidence in your writing, this should come over in how she speaks to her.)

I can see her peering slyly over her shoulder. Mr. Anton. The scariest man in the school. (cut the scariest man in the school part because you confirm that soon anyway.)


How big is this offce? Peering over her should… I’m guessing it’s Swainey who does that? If she’s already in the room, to me she’s looking out of a window now.

"Who's Mr. Anton?" Diana asks.

"He's the principal," Anna states.

"He's the scariest creepiest person in the whole school," Joe adds.

"Now don't be too rash. I am sure ( I am sure… too formal for dialogue, considering she’s a cheeky rascal?) we can work something out. I won't call you Swainey anymore. Now can we just forget this. Oh yeah, Ms. Swain we have a new student. Diana, this is Ms. Swain. Ms. Swain this is Diana. She moved here from Rome."

"It's very nice to meet you. The only empty desk is near Maritza, I am sure she'll help you find it. Maritza. I could do worse. I still remember what your mother called you when you were little." She leans down and whispers in my ear. "Little Fuzzy PumpkyWumpky." My face goes red (How does she know her face is red? Could put something like her face heats up, or whatever.) . She straightens up. "Now I could call you that in front of the whole class or you can go sit down and try to erase the word Swainey from your vocabulary. Your choice." She turns around and goes back to her office.

I walk back to my seat. Pointing at the seat next to me, "That one is empty." (repeated seat so close together)

I lay my head down on my desk and sigh. Why does she still remember that? My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and lay it on the desk. It's a message from Sarah.

I had a vision.

I sigh and reply, What else is new?

The phone vibrates again. You are in danger. (people don’t “txt” like that…)

That can't be good. Danger of what? I've already got beaten up by Jamie. Don't tell dad.

What's red, orange and yellow? Always hot never mellow. It will fill the air with smoke causing people to choke.

I hate easy riddles. Fire.

Where r u?

Ms. Swain's room. (Swainey’s room?)

The school then?

Yes.

People will get hurt. No one will see it until it's too late. Be careful today.

I will.

I stopped reading here because everything seems like a bit of a list. The dialogue isn’t that bad, but still doesn’t flow. You’re not setting the scene in anyway for me, I’m having to imagine everything in my head and when slight things come up that don’t agree with what I was thinking, it pulls me out of the story.

You use lots of short sentences, but that doesn’t help drive the story at this point. There’s no action really, no drama, it’s all light hearted to me so this style of writing only seems to slow it down rather than get any drama across.

I think this would be easy to improve and I hope you take the time to do so. Thank for letting me help you (If at all).

EDIT: Maybe start the scene from the txt message? She could look up from her phone, describe some details and look down again. Something like that? Because by the time the story comes, i'm not interested.

 

[Glitch]

I'm thinking now I should have Mari fall asleep and dream instead of trying to figure out how to make a science lesson fit in a fantasy story.

What do you think? Falling asleep a good way to avoid the science lesson that was really pointless anyway?

You don't have to stay with the character 24x7. End the scene before the lesson starts?

 

[Bowler1]

Forgive me for this brief celebration. People finally say my dialogue is okay!!!! Yay!

Nice one...

Yes on description, but it should form a part of your style. I think single words impart a lot of meaning. It's for you to discover a style and voice that works for you, not an easy task. So with that, good luck, and remember to have fun.