Evoking emotions in 300 words or less

[Dante DiBenedetto]

I've really enjoyed some of the challenges and workshops thus far. Now I'd like to throw down the gauntlet. Make us cry in 300 words or less -- or laugh, or perhaps drop our jaws in surprise.

If you want to spare us some crocodile tears, you can opt to choose one of the other base emotions as your targeted emotion to evoke.

Anger
Fear
Sadness
Joy
Surprise
Disgust

If you're feeling like you want to have some more wiggle room and go for a more advanced emotion, that's fine, just make sure you're clear which emotion you're going for. Discussion of each entry is highly encouraged.

This workshop also encourages non-participants to rate how well each writer managed to evoke their targeted emotion. Please give input and ask questions if for some reason, it missed the mark.

Even though the upper limit is 300 words, the shorter the better. If you think you can pull it off in a few sentences, please do. The goal of the workshop is to evoke an emotional response from the reader with brevity and limited information, thus the word limit.

If you want to further challenge yourself and attempt several emotional responses, go for it. Some emotions have potentially great synergy, such as surprise, anger and disgust.

Important: In order to make sure you're getting the desired result without pre-reading expectations, list the target emotion after your entry at the bottom of the post. If you want to be sneaky, you can list the emotions in white font so it's only easily readable when the text his highlighted. example

 

[AnyaKimlin]

About 162 words. (apologies for any spaces missed).
Impassable, dense fog rolled off the moors and prevented Joseph Cream from reaching the sanctuary of the childhood home that his broken, bruised and battered soul craved. The thick, grey wool overcoat did nothing to prevent the cold that seeped into him; he shivered, wrapped his scarf tighter and took his leather gloves from his pocket. He popped open the boot of his lovingly restored, classic Beetle and stared at the contents for a moment; pain weighed down his whole body and his shoulders slumped as he retrieved the bulging, leather suitcase and garment bag that contained all he had to show for the last decade; he held tight to all that remained of his former life and limped into the milky void. Victorian streetlights cast an orange gloom through the murkiness, but they did nothing to increase visibility. His head was telling him the surroundings were familiar but it had been so long that he wasn’t sure he could navigate his way to the inn. Joe moved the garment bag into the same hand as his suitcase, reached into his pocket and fumbled around until he felt his phone.

sadness, a little fear and loneliness.

 

[Dante DiBenedetto]

Thanks for being the first to take a stab at it, AnyaKimlin. Well done keeping the word count low and going for three different emotions, no less.

I definitely felt the low-level fear. I initially grew up in a beach town, and know the fog well, especially at night. A place you've been a thousand times and more can suddenly feel alien and different. Paranoia is powerful.

I picked up that he should be feeling sad and lonely based off your first sentence, but it didn't tug at me until he popped open the boot. I've done my fair share of moving, and know that kind of sadness and isolation all too well.

I ended up reading it about four or five times. It gained relevance each time, due to probably nostalgia more than anything else.

 

[Stephen4444]

Morose

Hate, a powerful emotion, almost as strong as love… both a precious commodity on station. Jazzeri had spent one term on this scientific bunghole. Constant planned maintenance day after long, continuous, artificial day. Trying to stay upbeat, he reminded himself of the special package coming from earth. That would take his mind off Tizzy.

She said she loved him but… Making an origami rose, he went unannounced to her workstation … precious paper carefully peeled from an earth-shipping package. Quietly walking up with the rose, hid behind his back… closer, he could hear a moan above the vibration of star drives,

“Tizzy? Are you OK?”

“Oh… Oh my god! Jazzeri, wait, stop, it’s not what you think!”

It was a painful thought, his roommate, with his girl.

He cringed inside, still.

At first he thought he was the luckiest man alive to get with Tizzy, now he realized he was only one of many to get with Tizzy.

He could hold it together… at least until he received the package.

 

[Dante DiBenedetto]

Interesting. You evoked things for me, but not the target emotion. By the way, if you go for anymore, please put the emotion(s) at the end, not the beginning, and definitely not in large, underlined, bold font It's so there are no expectations going into it.

First and foremost, I felt surprise. This might be a red herring though, because I knew before I even started that you were going for morose. Thus, the stipulation above, haha. I was expecting maybe death, or illness, or something along those lines, so I was surprised to hear about the fling.

This line:

At first he thought he was the luckiest man alive to get with Tizzy, now he realized he was only one of many to get with Tizzy.

It set a morose mood to the story, but didn't evoke morose. It made me feel kind of sad and very sympathetic, though.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Thanks Dante you've given me a lot to think about. I'm experiementing with longer sentences right now as I got complaints my sentences tend to be too short. Was that why you needed to read it over again ?

 

[Dante DiBenedetto]

Thanks Dante you've given me a lot to think about. I'm experiementing with longer sentences right now as I got complaints my sentences tend to be too short. Was that why you needed to read it over again ?

That's a bizarre criticism. They must have been really short for multiple complaints. The longer sentences are what made it sort of awkward for me to read in the first place. That, and the font/giant body of text.

It was a pretty straightforward story, though. No actual complaints, and you did a good job I'll do one of mine own, soon, but I would like to see more participation from other people, especially input.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Okay, this is very short, from one of my wip's.

She ran from the room. The security guards were at the door - they were always there - but she didn’t care, even though she was in her pyjamas and they were old with a teddy on them, like a kid’s. She ran down the short corridor and fell against her dad’s door, hammering and sobbing. There was no answer. She banged again, willing it to open, and him to be there for her.

“Daddy!” she shouted. Down the corridor, she heard the echoing call from her mum – “Kerra!”

The door was unlatched and she started to breathe a little easier; he was okay. But when it opened and the doctor was there, not her dad, the panic came back. She shook her head, backing away a little, the lump in her throat too big to speak around.

Fear, uncertainty, panic. And it should sound like the child is about 12.

 

[Stephen4444]

Is there only one chance or can we try again with another submission?

It set a morose mood to the story, but didn't evoke morose. It made me feel kind of sad and very sympathetic, though.

 

[Dante DiBenedetto]

Wow, that's a damn good job, springs. You nailed each targeted emotion with deceptive ease and word economy. In fact, were it not for the first two sentences, you pretty much evoked the targeted emotions in every single part of it. That's really impressive.

Stephen4444, this is a workshop, not a contest, so of course. It would be nice if you shared input on the other submissions so far, though. Empathy can be a tricky thing.

 

[Stephen4444]

I'm very new at giving a critique, so take this with a grain of salt. I liked this tremendously. I felt the fear and panic.

I felt like the first paragraph was hard to read through.I really can't say why because I am not technically proficient but I feel like the "guards at the door" sentence could have been split into several smaller sentences. Smaller sentences, in this instance, would make the story flow and easier to read. Again I'm not an expert but the sentence structure detracted from the emotion. I felt... for whatever that is worth. You may have been going for a disjointed feeling... I don't know.

Okay, this is very short, from one of my wip's.

She ran from the room. The security guards were at the door - they were always there - but she didn’t care, even though she was in her pyjamas and they were old with a teddy on them, like a kid’s. She ran down the short corridor and fell against her dad’s door, hammering and sobbing. There was no answer. She banged again, willing it to open, and him to be there for her.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Wow, that's a damn good job, springs. You nailed each targeted emotion with deceptive ease and word economy. In fact, were it not for the first two sentences, you pretty much evoked the targeted emotions in every single part of it. That's really impressive.

Thanks, Dante, that's very kind.

I'm very new at giving a critique, so take this with a grain of salt. I liked this tremendously. I felt the fear and panic.

I felt like the first paragraph was hard to read through.I really can't say why because I am not technically proficient but I feel like the "guards at the door" sentence could have been split into several smaller sentences. Smaller sentences, in this instance, would make the story flow and easier to read. Again I'm not an expert but the sentence structure detracted from the emotion. I felt... for whatever that is worth. You may have been going for a disjointed feeling... I don't know.

Good crit, nothing to worry about there. The very long sentence at the beginning was to set the feeling of panic, that the thoughts were kind of rushing out without stopping. But I'll have a look at it for readibility. It's always difficult when these things get lifted out of context - the lead up to it has been more languid, so this sets the contrast.


Anya, nice evocation, I liked the way you used the weather to set the mood without being uber about it, and the flashes of history to set the character. I got the sadness most strongly, less fear, but a little sense of foreboding.

Stephen, starting with strong emotions took me away from moroseness. It was a nicely written piece, but the emotion i got from it was closer to surliness than moroseness. Maybe a bit of anger. Nice cliff hanger.

 

[Stephen4444]

Here we go again....



He was almost to the door. Perspiration dripped into his eyes and he stopped… just a moment to dab it off with a torn shirtsleeve.
Walk… walk before you turn and run.
His head rang with a hum, from the beating he took in town. He could still hear the beat… beat… beat of his heart as it threatened to jump out of his chest. He had just watched his best friend die. Fear left him… sorrow and loss replaced fear.
He would walk through the door. Damn be the consequences. There is nothing left to give… except his life. That is not worth much but it is the only thing he has.

Morose

 

[Grinnel]

He was almost to the door. Perspiration dripped into his eyes and he stopped… just a moment to dab it off with a torn shirtsleeve. In me this brings about tension. 'Perspiration dripped' seems weak to me. I'd prefer combining the sentences into something like 'He stopped to blink away the sweat stinging his eyes'. Also weak but you get the idea.

Walk… walk before you turn and run. More tension.

His head rang with a hum, from the beating he took in town. He could still hear the beat… beat… beat Been reading Poe have we? of his heart as it threatened to jump out of his chest. He had just watched his best friend die. Fear left him… sorrow and loss replaced fear.< show, don't tell.
He would walk through the door. Damn be the consequences. There is nothing left to give… except his life. That is not worth much but it is the only thing he has.

Morose

For me this passage works as a tension builder, but I don't feel morose at all. I'd rather tears stung his eyes and each beat of his heart made his soul ache more.

Okay, no better but what do you expect off the cuff?

You give a very clinical description of a very personal moment. Surely you've been to a close relatives' funeral or lost a pet gunea pig. Take yourself back to that day, relive it, and show us how it felt.

 

[Grinnel]

Okay, now you can tear me apart. This is a heavily edited (I took 2 people out) passage from the end of Chapter 1 of The Garden of Secrets. The beginning of the chapter is in the Critique string.

================​

Visible through the mist was a large, tall arbour that the path went through. Hanging from the arbour by her neck was a woman.

The rope was not tied in a noose, but a slip knot. Her face and lolling tongue were purple and swollen: the bloodshot eyes bulged and stared into space. Her fingernails were broken and bloody from scrabbling at the rope. Tendrils of dark fog caressed the body.

Her hair, in an obscene mockery of the rest of her body, was a rich, lustrous blonde, carefully coiffed in ringlets that framed her bloated face.

Though he knew she was harmless - no more substantial than mist - she still caused Drannel to shiver every time he passed her.

Lady Margoss had disappeared in The Garden over a hundred years ago. Search parties had spent days looking for her, only to have her body appear on the fourth day here, at the very entrance the searchers had been using. Since that time she has been the most frequent time-distorted image in The Garden, hanging on the arbour.

As he passed her a bruising grip seized his shoulder. Drannel froze, his vision narrowing; his heart hammering in his ears.

Her cavernous eyes rolled over and focussed on him. The face distorted, trying to speak through the ravaged throat and swollen tongue.

“You have deprived us of our prey.” It croaked. “We will not forgive or forget.”

He lurched out of her grip, falling to the ground outside of The Garden, a piece of his robe tearing in her clawed hand. The body swung on its rope, head flailing and eyes rolling, trying to focus on him.

Lady Morgass disappeared, the torn black cloth floating to the ground in her wake.

==============================​

If this doesn't evoke tension and fear (or at least a little nervousness) then perhaps I should stick with writing comedy. Please note the blatant attempt to garner favour with the use of colons and semi-colons.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I got the fear. And the semi colon usage. Good stuff.

The moroseness, I got in his thoughts, but not his body language, Stephen. His heart jumping seemed a little excitable for moroseness.

I'm shirking off and editing for the next hour or so, if I come across any suitably emotional stuff, I'll pop one up.

et voila.



He looked down. So what if she died for nothing? She’d let him suffer. His eyes burned, and he had to take a deep breath. He took another, and looked around the small room and the light, reflected from the ocean, shimmered around him, making him calmer. It felt right, like all his life he’d been waiting for something – somewhere – he needed and hadn’t known it was the wash of the sea rolling in, the pull as it left, one after the other, time and again. He glanced at the queen, saw her eyes watching him, soft now, pleading. If she was right, and his refusal condemned her people to story books and myth that wasn’t what he wanted to come out of his pain. The slow extinction of people was one of the things he’d fought to end. He thought, briefly, of Rjala, one of the few Ferrans to survive the Empress’ purge, how she’d fought in memory of her people, striving to repay the wrong done…

He dropped his hand from the screen. “There is no one else?” he asked.

She nodded, the faintest of nods, and he realised she was diminishing now. He moved and knelt beside her, his hand touching hers.

“Shall I get someone?” he asked.

“No,” she said, her voice small.

“You’re fading. I should get someone.”

“Only you,” she whispered. “They know what’s happening.”

Her eyes closed, and he bowed his head; he couldn’t let her die without hope. She had offered things he couldn’t refuse: a place of his own, a restoration of his self.

“Yes,” he whispered, almost silently. “Yes, now pass in peace.”


My protagonist is, as ever, thinking too blinking much. What is hopefully here is a fading sense of anger, a certain amount of sadness (bittersweet) and perhaps an underlying ripple of calm/relief.

 

[Dante DiBenedetto]

Grinnel

The first half didn't really seem to build any tension, and the descriptions were very clean and clinical, not adding too much to mood or evoking any feelings.

The second half, on the other hand, that did make me tense. It caught me off guard, and I felt like this character was in real danger, even after she disappeared (who is the "we" after all, if not just her?)

So good job on nailing it overall.

 

[Dante DiBenedetto]

Springs

It was difficult for me to get a full picture of what was going on, but I think I caught the gist of it. It kind of distracted me from the evoking of the emotions, but even then, I caught them. The shifts were well done, and once again you've pulled off evoking several different emotions deceptively effortlessly. Well done.

Worst of all, I kinda want to know what happens next. Damn cliffhangers, you tease!

 

[Stephen4444]

Grinnel,

Overall, this was a great piece. What I wrote was nitpick stuff. Good imaging; though I, would have pulled some of your meatier prose to the beginning of the piece. That is just opinion. As always, I appreciate your comments on my stuff and wish I were better at substantive analyzing.

Okay, now you can tear me apart. This is a heavily edited (I took 2 people out) passage from the end of Chapter 1 of The Garden of Secrets. The beginning of the chapter is in the Critique string.
================

Visible through the mist was a large, tall [arbour] that the path went through. Hanging from the [arbour][,] by her neck[,] was a woman.

I’m not sure about UK, but US spelling is arbor. The first sentence sounded more like a police report. Good, and descriptive but I’m not feeling it. I almost wish you had started with your later prose…. “In an obscene mockery of the rest of her body, her hair was a rich, lustrous blonde that was carefully coiffed in ringlets that framed her bloated face.” When you wrote that, it got my attention! Then describe more of the scene.


The rope [was not tied] in a noose, but a [slip knot] . Her face and lolling tongue were purple and swollen: the bloodshot eyes bulged and stared into space. Her fingernails [were broken] and bloody from scrabbling at the rope. Tendrils of dark fog caressed the body.

the descriptions above are too mechanical. Her tongue was purple, her eyes bulged, her dog [was named] spot and Joe Friday is my partner. LOL just a joke


[Her hair, in an obscene, was a rich, lustrous blonde, carefully coiffed in ringlets that framed her bloated face.]

In an obscene mockery of the rest of her body, her hair was a rich, lustrous blonde that was carefully…


Though he knew she was harmless - no more substantial than mist - she still caused Drannel to shiver every time he passed her.

Lady Margoss [had] disappeared in The Garden over a hundred years ago. [Search parties [had] spent days looking for her, only to have her body appear on the fourth day here, at the very entrance the searchers had been using.] [Since that time she has been the most frequent time-distorted image in The Garden, hanging on the [arbour]].

The above is a very long sentence. The writing is good but I would break it into smaller sentences. The “Since that time…” sentence threw me. Don’t know what it’s called, possibly run-on sentence?

As he passed her[,] a bruising grip seized his shoulder. Drannel froze, his vision [narrowing]tense; his heart [hammering ]tense in his ears.

Her cavernous eyes rolled over and focussed on him. The face distorted, trying to speak through the ravaged throat and swollen tongue.

I like the above.

“You have deprived us of our prey.” It croaked. “We will not forgive or forget.”

I think the quotes would have more effect if they had their own lines.

He lurched out of her grip, falling to the ground outside of The Garden, a piece of his robe tearing in her clawed hand. The body swung on its rope, head flailing and eyes rolling, trying to focus on him.

Lady Morgass disappeared, the torn black cloth floating to the ground in her wake.

I would guess you are going for horror.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Springs

Worst of all, I kinda want to know what happens next. Damn cliffhangers, you tease!

Cheers, its from the end of a very long, fraught scene, so the context is shot. I'm practising hookiness.
(and the next paragraph is a massive spoiler, so I couldn't have posted it, even though there was yet another emotion in there. )