Journey to the Edge of the Forest of a Mind (approx 1000 words)

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clippedwolf

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In late July I slept for ten hours and had an epic dream. It was unusual for me, not in its detail, perhaps not even for its length, but in its consistent and coherent narrative up to its ending.
For this first part of the dream 'I' was semi-lucid, an active audience shouting at the actors on stage. The subconscious was the director, set designer, and the characters themselves. As the dream progressed my conscious self had less input, yet here I am awake and attempting to retell the dream in a hope that others--you-- find it entertaining.


Once there was an island nation ruled by an emperor. In the island's heavily forested north stood the fortress city of Northwatch. Along the southern coast were the fortress port of Eastwatch and the magnificent capital city of Westwatch. Westwatch was built on and around a large hill. A thirty foot wall made of yellow stone and topped with battlements encircled the city proper. At the crown of the hill stood the Imperial Palace, which was , by itself, as large as a small town. Guests to the palace would walk through red lacquered wooden gates then walk down a long and darkened hall filled with white marble columns before they found themselves in the presence of the Emperor who sat on a gold throne atop a dais. The throne was lit from above by the light of thousands of candles on golden chandeliers suspended from a high domed ceiling. In the darkness of the irregularly spaced columns were hidden alcoves and above the floor were cleverly hidden ledges and balconies. Here the bodyguards and personal assassins of the royal family waited like coiled serpents, ready to spring at their master's command or react in a blink of an eye to protect the royal family. The guardians and executioners of the royal family were a hereditary clan. They were born, raised, trained, and bred at the Imperial Palace of Westwatch.

One day, without warning, a black, rainless cloud appeared over Northwatch and all communication in and out of the city ceased. The cloud spread south and all that fell under it's shadow were not seen again. The emperor sent an army into the encroaching shadow, but after it marched into the darkness it did return. When the cloud's shadow had consumed the entirety of the northern forest it stopped growing. Villagers began telling stories of monstrosities appearing at the cloud's borders at night and carrying off family and neighbors. A long wall and a series of towers was built at the border of the persistent dark cloud. No monsters confronted the soldiers manning the walls and towers, but tunnels appeared in nearby settlements and people continued to disappear. No one returned from the shadow that spread from the fallen fortress now called Darkwatch and decades passed.

The most promising youth of the royal guardians born after the cloud’s appearance became friends with of one of the younger princesses at a very young age. As they grew into adolescence his martial skill increased and she remained kindhearted and generous. Their childhood friendship began to bud into romantic love, yet duty and lack of opportunity kept them from expressing their love. Their love was noticed. While a guardian with unrequited love for a member of the royal family was not unknown, the fact that the princess loved the warrior back was a cause of great concern. The young man was sent to war with the kingdom across the straight to the south. It was hoped their love would wither.

After a time the emperor called the princess's handmaidens before his throne and asked if his daughter had stopped loving the young warrior sent abroad to war. The handmaidens told him it had not. Enraged, the emperor sent out a letter calling the young man back to the capital. The emperor proclaimed it was his intent to execute the young warrior for treasonous emotions and to marry his young daughter to secure a peace treaty with the enemy state. These words drifted up to the ears of every dark clothed warrior in the dark ledges, balconies and alcoves.

The young warrior was recalled from war and sailed home immediately. He arrived at port still dressed for battle in dark leather armor and black cloak, a curved sword hung on his hip. As he stepped off the ship a friend, who had wrapped his face with cloth, approached him and told him of the emperor's intentions and advised him to flee immediately. The young warrior agreed and his friend, satisfied, disappeared into city crowd. Yet the young lover would not leave without seeing his beloved one last time.

That night, he scaled the palace walls and approached the princess as she was preparing to go to sleep for the night. She had been kept ignorant of her father's intentions, and was surprised when the young warrior informed her that he must flee or be executed. The princess took the necklace from her neck and cried a single tear. The tear fell onto a strawberry shaped gem held in a golden mesh at the end of a delicate golden chain. There the tear was absorbed into the gem where it swam around and glowed a soft blue. The warrior took the necklace and put it around his neck. With a brief and sorrowful look he slipped out into the darkness wearing his dark cloak.

Suddenly a fugitive, the warrior fled north toward the dark cloud. Not out of simple desperation, the warrior out of duty went to give his life fighting an unknown yet constant enemy of his people. He crept into a tower and scaled down the wall facing the cloud. Atop the wall stood a soldier who had seen the warrior's face just as he began to lower himself. The soldier had recognized the face from posters accusing the warrior of treason. So the soldier drew back his bow and prepared to fire at the fleeing figure, yet at the last moment he lowered the bow. Why waste an arrow at dead man? No one ever returned from the north.
 
I enjoyed reading this. The flow was great but the writing is not a style I typically read. I enjoyed it anyway which says a lot. I am a new writer so take my Critique with a grain of salt.:)

First off... I put [] around a few passive verbs. You should avoid the passive tense. With an active verb, the subject is doing something; passive, something is being done to the subject.



[Once there was] an island nation ruled by an emperor. In the island's [heavily] forested north stood the fortress city of Northwatch.

Reading this, I almost wish you switched these two sentences and gotten rid of [Once there was. ] I don’t know why but… “Once” turned me off [immediately].

In the island's [heavily] forested north stood the fortress city of Northwatch whose island nation [is ruled](passive voice don't use is ruled) by an emperor.

Along the southern coast were the fortress port of Eastwatch and the magnificent capital city of Westwatch. Westwatch was built on and around a large hill. A thirty foot wall made of yellow stone and topped with battlements encircled the city proper. At the crown of the hill stood the Imperial Palace, which was , by itself, as large as a small town…..

The rest of the paragraph is all description and no action… Your losing my interest.

One day, without warning,

This reads like a children’s book. Is that what your going for?

a black, rainless cloud appeared over Northwatch

Black? Description is vague and does not paint a picture.
The darkness blotted out the stars and the cold wind, that never ceased, brought on the “black.” The deep black that killed the song of all birds in flight; the black that killed all communication, the black that(does whatever)……. OH THE HORROR!!!! (only better that what I put here and with correct punctuation)


and all communication in and out of the city ceased. The cloud spread south and all that fell under it's shadow were not seen again. The emperor sent an army into the encroaching shadow, but after it (What is it?the shadow?the army?)marched into the darkness it (again), did return. When the cloud's shadow had consumed (Use a different word than consumed.) [the entirety of](delete the entitrety of) the northern forest it (What is it? The army?)stopped growing








 
The emperor ruled his island with absolute dominion. His fortress city of Northwatch protected the northeast coast from any threat of invasion from across the eastern sea; the northern sea was awash with ice flows, and the rest of the eastern coast was high cliffs and crashing waves. Along the southern coast were the fortress port of Eastwatch and the magnificent capital city of Westwatch. Westwatch was built on and around a large hill. A thirty foot wall made of yellow stone and topped with battlements encircled the city proper. At the crown of the hill stood the Imperial Palace, which was , by itself, as large as a small town.

A traveler to the palace would walk through red lacquered wooden gates. The guards would scrutinize the new arrival while resting a hand on a sword hilt or halberd shaft, and would fall in step behind their guest. The traveler would walk down a long and darkened hall filled with white marble columns, from heavy shadows crossbows and drawn bows would be trained on them at all times. The ceiling would lifted and they would find themselves in the presence of the Emperor who sat on a gold throne atop a dais. The escort would press around their ward, their grips on their weapons would tighten.

The throne was lit from above by the light of thousands of candles on golden chandeliers suspended from a high domed ceiling. In the darkness of the irregularly spaced columns were hidden alcoves and above the floor were cleverly hidden ledges and balconies. Here the bodyguards and personal assassins of the royal family waited like coiled serpents, weapons at the ready, willing to spring at their master's command or react in a blink of an eye to protect the royal family. These royal guards were also the executioners and assassins of the royal family were a hereditary clan. They were born, raised, trained, and bred at the Imperial Palace of Westwatch.

One day rainless storm clouds appeared over Northwatch, enveloping the land in impenetrably dark shadow. The cloud spread across the sky toward the south and all that fell under it's darkness was not seen again. The emperor sent an army into the encroaching shadow. It marched into the darkness with bristling spears, polished shields and knights in glistening armor atop fierce warhorses. It did not return. When the shadow had consumed the northern forest it stopped growing. Villagers began telling stories of monstrosities appearing at the cloud's borders at night and carrying off family and neighbors. A long wall and a series of towers was built near the border of the persistent dark. No monsters confronted the soldiers manning the walls and towers, but tunnels appeared in nearby settlements and people continued to disappear. No one returned from the shadow that spread from the fallen fortress now called Darkwatch and decades passed.
 
Thank you for the critique. It was very helpful.
This reads like a children’s book. Is that what your going for?

Believe it or not the first paragraph is true. I don't need to add detail, the dream was swimming in sensory information, six senses plus actor intent. A children's story? I don't know. It was what it was. I'm just trying to write it.
 
Thank you for the critique. It was very helpful.


Believe it or not the first paragraph is true. I don't need to add detail, the dream was swimming in sensory information, six senses plus actor intent. A children's story? I don't know. It was what it was. I'm just trying to write it.

For me this didn't translate at all, it was IMHO one dimensional, with none of my senses engaged. Have you reviewed some of the other posts in the critiques thread and the difference between telling/showing?

I haven't done anything more detailed than read through, as there is an expectation of reciprocity in the crits thread, and if you want detailed feedback perhaps it would be good to take the time to crit others, who'd like to know how their work is received by a range of readers?

Good luck with this.
 
Stephanie Meyers says that her Trilogy came from a dream where she observed a conversation with a couple who were sparkling. So you're in good company with your inspiration..hey, maybe the incubi/succubi Union has decided they want some Bestsellers.

To me, this flows well and has two good hooks, but you missed several good chances for some dialogue.

Also, it seems this whole Royal family is either not at all beloved and/or rather paranoid, at least in the second version.
 
I'm also a newbie to writing, so take my critique with an equal pinch of salt:

I loved the descriptive prose. It has a good pace, and evokes a dream verywell. A lot of people dislike such a long stretch of pure description as beingtoo slow, but I enjoyed it a lot - precisely because such a long stretch has aslow, leisurely, feel to me. It's a nice contrast to a lot of modern writing,which often feels as though as many events and conversations as possible arebeing crammed onto the page.

I also found the level of detail fascinating. The first draft did feel alittle aimless towards the beginning, and I think the second draft is animprovement.

I think you still have some opportunities to tighten it up, without loosingany detail. For example:

Along the southern coast were the fortress port of Eastwatch and themagnificent
capital city of Westwatch. Westwatch was built on and around a largehill.

To me this feels a bit disjointed as two sentences - I'd try to make it allone piece, something like:

'The southern coast held the fortress port of Eastwatch, and, built on andaround a high hill, the magnificent capital of Westwatch.'

As I say, I'm a newbie - but I thought it was a nice bit of prose, and Ienjoyed reading it.
 
Hi clippedwolf,

When I glanced at this, I saw it started "In late July I slept for ten hours and had an epic dream. It was unusual for me, not in its detail, perhaps not even for its length, but in its consistent and coherent narrative up to its ending..." and got quite interested-- it sounded like you'd plunged right into the story, and it was a story that I wanted to read more of.

I was a bit disappointed, I must admit, when I realised it wasn't the story!

Right -- just briefly -- for me, and I don't read a lot of this kind of fantasy, the introduction risks being too remote. The details are nice but I'd like them connected to someone specific. That's a personal taste thing.

"The most promising youth of the royal guardians born after the cloud’s appearance became friends with of one of the younger princesses at a very young age. As they grew into adolescence his martial skill increased and she remained kindhearted and generous."

This, while bringing in people (although unnamed) which was a good thing, made my hackles rise because I thought it rather risked being the sort of story that many people have told, and I was a bit depressed that while the guy learned all the exciting martial skills, his princess just... you know... stayed nice and pliable. It feels like this is going to be about her being rescued. Or even if not, isn't there anything more... positive to say about her?

I liked the way the story worked -- I liked the bowman at the end. I think the whole would be more powerful if we "knew" the young warrior right from the start. I suspect that because it was a dream, you were right there in his head so you understood him.

A couple of things I spotted in passing:

"all that fell under it's shadow were not seen again"
[should be its]


"after it marched into the darkness it did return" -- it did not return?


"the emperor ... asked if his daughter had stopped loving the young warrior .... The handmaidens told him it had not." ["it" should be "she", I think]



 
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This is more of a synopsis than a short story (or novella, or novel). It could do with a good bit of expansion. It could perhaps be made into a story to be read aloud (not something of which I have much experience) but for that too it needs expansion IMHO. It's the synopsis of quite a nice story, though, and I think you ought to try to preserve your 'true introduction' in some form.
When the army marches under the dark cloud, does it come back or doesn't it??
 
I like your edited version much more. The original went into too many details for my simple mind.

To me the style of the story reads somewhat like a bed-time Grimm's fairy tale. Kind of a Jack in the Beanstalk thing

I believe this is why some people are hinting it is a story for children. I think things like the Emperor's personal assassins perhaps take it out of the young children's realm. In fairness, many fairy tales were originally watered down adult stories.

This would be a good short story. I suspect it would be very challenging to make into a novel unless you switched POV, and IMHO your opening is far to long sucessfully switch.

That being said, however, feel free to attempt a novel if that is what you're aiming for. All it takes to change the norm is one person doing something different.
 
Thank you all, however, my dream was not novel length so I'm aiming for a short story.
At the moment the completed rough draft is approximately 4.300 words. I was aiming for a Brothers Grimm style story. Have you read an unabridged Grimm's fairy tale lately? It's filled with violent imagery and it is often cynical.

The original Snow White ends with the wicked queen being executed:

"Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall, Who in this land is the fairest of all?" the glass answered— "Oh, Queen, of all here the fairest art thou, But the young Queen is fairer by far as I trow." Then the wicked woman uttered a curse, and was so wretched, so utterly wretched, that she knew not what to do. At first she would not go to the wedding at all, but she had no peace, and must go to see the young Queen. And when she went in she knew Snow-white; and she stood still with rage and fear, and could not stir. But iron slippers had already been put upon the fire, and they were brought in with tongs, and set before her. Then she was forced to put on the red-hot shoes, and dance until she dropped down dead.

Grimm, Brothers; Jacob Grimm; Wilhelm Grimm (2009-12-14). The Complete Grimm's Fairy Tales (p. 132). Neeland Media LLC. Kindle Edition.
 
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