Hal Duncan hates your sentence

[Dante DiBenedetto]

Not really. He hates Jim Theiss’s sentence, though, and tells you why.

There's some really good advice if you can sift through the anger and profanity. I wish I read this article years ago.

 

[Boneman]

Interesting - when I tried to go to the link my antivirus prgramme went ape...

 

[alchemist]

Pfft. In his finished product, Hal has put a great big ugly comma splice.

Apart from that, he is of course correct.

 

[Ursa major]

To let everyone know what's being talked about (without the risk of being attacked by a virus, which my virus checker detected), here's the suggested final (and approved) version of the sentence:

From behind his leathered targe, steel flashed, brawn rippled, and the barbarian sank his blade in the soldier’s guts, thrust it up to the hilt.

I don't think there's a comma splice, Alc, as

thrust it up to the hilt

isn't an independent clause (there's no subject), but simply a second action being performed by the barbarian.

Which isn't to say that:

From behind his leathered targe, steel flashed, brawn rippled, and the barbarian sank his blade in the soldier’s guts, thrusting it up to the hilt.

wouldn't be better. Personally, I prefer:

From behind his leathered targe, steel flashed, brawn rippled, and the barbarian sank his blade in the soldier’s guts up to the hilt.

(You may, of course, have been referring to the ', brawn rippled', but I think adding another 'and' to the sentence would give a worse result.)

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

It's a very useful article and he makes many, many excellent points, besides explaining why, but he is quite right that the final result is not actually a good sentence.

"Brawn rippled" sounds almost sillier than anything in the original. If anything had to ripple at all, he should have stuck with the muscles.

 

[Dante DiBenedetto]

The SFWA website has viruses? That's tragic!

My deepest apologies. Now I'm wondering if I have a virus... >.>

 

[kaal]

Good article (didn't encounter the virus, but possibly because I'm using linux).
Have to agree about the final sentence. I'm not a fan of things rippling unless they are ponds, or possibly curtains...
Oh yes, and spacetime.

 

[Hex]

Isn't it one of the not-a-list things that I used to have an addiction to?(*)

...the barbarian sank his blade in the soldier’s guts, thrust it up to the hilt.

because one sort of expects:

...the barbarian sank his blade in the soldier’s guts, thrust it up to the hilt and cackled triumphantly.

I'd have been happy with:

...the barbarian sank his blade in the soldier’s guts, and thrust it up to the hilt.

but I quite like it his way (though it's not a great sentence. Rippling brawn bleh)

(*) And may still. I couldn't possibly comment.

 

[Ursa major]

The existence of a name for whatever it is that makes a piece of prose read less well than it might is neither here nor there. The absence of errors of grammar in a sentence doesn't mean that it couldn't benefit from a good edit.

 

[Hex]

The existence of a name for whatever it is that makes a piece of prose read less well than it might is neither here nor there.

I find it helpful to have some sort of name for it.

As you know, I sometimes like these whatever-we-call-thems, though I know they make you and TJ shudder. I think this is an issue of taste -- for me, they can make a piece of prose read better than the use of 'and' would. Many of my favourite authors use them.

I found the sweariness a bit distracting in the article, must admit. Sensible and useful stuff in general, though.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

@Hex, well you converted me, the inverterate and user, and vice versa - I've seen those ands... times change and acceptance of things change and comma splices (garghh I've gone and given them a name) give an immediacy to thoughts that works well in your writing imho. Better now they're used sparingly for impact.

Do we always need to know exactly why we like something? I read things and like them and accept it. For example with that sentence, I find the comma after targe breaks it for me and I'd prefer it without. I think that's a taste thing, but it smooths for me better. And, I'd have to say, I'd have liked the and.

 

[Dante DiBenedetto]

Well, I think the thing to keep in perspective is that the article starts with an atrocious sentence and ends with something passable, and gives you an extensive breakdown on structures and rationale when it comes to editing sentences. It's less about taking a turd and making it golden, and more about identifying common problems, as well as how to fix them.

 

[Ursa major]

Thanks for that image.


* Goes back to polishing WiP1.... *

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