Playing with indenting

[Jo Zebedee]

I read Before I die by Jenny Downham recently, (yes, yes, smaltzy and designed for someone about twenty years younger than me), and was impressed at how close she got to the character, and also, at the end, how she managed to stay in first person, even when her character wasn't entirely lucid, using paragraphing, and indenting, and a sort of dreamy fragmenting between lines.

Without wanting to be derivative (hers is a series of little scenes), I have a character who's kind of half conscious, and I wanted to capture the same essence of dreaminess, and this is what I came up with:



The hand pushed her hair back, soothing her. Her mum used to do that. She drifted back to her old house and went into her room where the Plain White T's were singing about Delilah and New York City. She tried to sing along, but couldn’t, she was too tired. She closed her eyes….

.............................in the air, floating...

............................................hands holding her, stopping her from falling, letting her fly....

She jerked, trying to sit. “McKenn - ”



Firstly, does it do what I'm aiming for, like a floating away, interrupted, and back to normal?

Secondly, does it read like it was intentional, or that I've gone and lost my tabbing?

And thirdly, does it work, or would it lift you horribly from the story?

 

[Abernovo]

I'm not sure. The fragments kind of work for me, although I'm not keen on the tabbing (which could just be me).

I've read similar, with fragments broken by ellipses, or by starting on a new line, without capitals (not as Joyceian as it sounds), and it worked to create a semi-lucid dreaming sequence. It's difficult to tell with only a short section and no context.

 

[HareBrain]

I like it.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Me too - it did pull me out a little but I think in full context it wouldn't.

 

[Mouse]

I'm ambivalent. Helpful, I know.

 

[prizzley]

She jerked, trying to sit.

It works for me and this line jerked me back into reality. Well done.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

It works for me and this line jerked me back into reality. Well done.

Ty, that is what i hoped for... Seems it mostly either works or at least doesn't die a death. Ty all

 

[alchemist]

It should repulse me, but I kinda like it

 

[Boneman]

I have no problem with this method of 'fragmentation' - it serves its purpose extremely well, and tells/shows the reader that it's disjointed and dreamlike. As a nitpick I'd probably go further, just in the choice of words... It's the succession of 'hers' that might be broken up a little more?

The hand pushed her hair back; soothing, calming. The way her mum used to. She drifted back to the old house, into her room where the Plain White T's were singing about Delilah and New York City. She tried to sing along, but couldn’t, she was too tired. Her eyes closed….

.............................in the air, floating... drifiting...

............................................hands holding her, stopping her from falling, letting her fly....

She jerked, trying to sit. “McKenn - ”

'Her eyes closed' just lets us see she couldn't keep awake slightly better than her 'she closed her eyes'. Like I said - nitpicks.

And the awakening line is great. I'm not sure how much real time has passed since she's entered the dream state, that's the only reason I added the drifting. Ignore as usual if it doesn't fit the context. (It's just that it could only be ten seconds of unconsciousness, or ten minutes, and I kinda assume she's been under for a while...)

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

See, I'm not really sure how much I like that. It reminds me too much of Stephen King's liberties with parenthesized lines and fragments, and I feel it detracts too much from what they're intended to do-set up a particular kind of atmosphere that the character is supposed to be feeling. It just looks wrong to me, and it jerks me back into reality-something I hate when reading stories of such nature.