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Thanks for the comments on the previous post. I have launched straight into a second attempt on the back of it.

Chapter 1

When hunting a god, there is a fine line between being the hunter and the prey. One has to be outlandishly ambitious to attempt such a thing; one has to be teetering on the edge of insanity to attempt the hunt alone. Janus Samuson was currently staring over the edge. In the complete darkness of the freight crate which had become his transport, Janus had become the prey.

In truth, he had been fortunate to make it off Andor at all. Janus found it strange that human drug smugglers were ashore on an Elvin world, but Fate did owe him a favour or two, so he considered it adequate remittance. Though it would be fair to suggest that Janus had hoped for a more comfortable mode of transport.

Ivan, the crew leader had promised Janus that they were headed to the West. Janus knew better than to trust the word of a smuggler, but he seriously doubted they could go in any other direction. Harmony’s drug trade was centred on the West, where all the worlds of Men were. There was a bit of trade to be had in the Near North, where the Dwarven markets were. Dwarves were always keen for steroid or stimulant, particularly as competition amongst them intensified.

Janus liked to distract himself with idle thoughts. His current predicament was such that any distraction was welcome. Though he knew that avoiding the game was no way to play. The game being evenly poised. Neither side had really revealed their hands yet, but each knew the others goals. Knowing his enemy’s goal was Janus’s greatest advantage and disadvantage. The Whisper’s great fixation with eradicating anything which had trace of The Lanus about it, meant that although he did not know of Serena, he searched for it. Janus knew that Serena represented his castle, but he did not his castle out in open play, at least not yet. If he could somehow reach Serena without leading the enemy to his door, he could at least regroup. Serena represented a retreat to be sure, but Serena also represented something of a high ground. The trick was getting there without a pawn in toe. That would prove problematic.

Janus pushed against the lid of the crate to check if it was still sealed. It was. An impish anxiety danced across his mind, what if this was all an elaborate trap?

Credit where it was due, The Whisper was a shrewd tactician, he deployed his agents with great care. He had Janus watching who was behind him. Even children were not exempt from being called into service. Janus shuddered. He'd call the despicable practice cowardice, but it had been an effective gambit. He felt a sharp pain as he drew breath, reminding him just how effective a gambit it had been.

Looking down at the palms of hands, Janus took some solace. The blue light which nestled there, reminded Janus of just how far he had come.
 
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Hmm. I like the premise- hunting a god. I like him hiding and on the run. But that big chunk of text though tripped me a few times. Particularly "but he did not his castle out in open play, at least not yet". I think this is a chess reference, but incomplete? Is that right? Either way, there is a lot of backstory packed into that paragraph, and I'd prefer to see it split among a little more action, even if he's just carving something, or getting water. I'd prefer you throw in some more showing, because this is all telling.
 
hmm that is the premise of the whole novel. I thought would be good to reveal it straight away as my hook. You're quite correct that chunk of text is a chess reference.

Problem with showing is, he's locked in a crate...........

This is an interesting challenge
 
This may be just my personal preference, but I feel like you're revealing too much to the reader too soon. Too much about the world, too much about the characters and the situation they're in. All those details can be more richly revealed over the course of a more active scene. I understand that Janus is stuck in the crate and its hard to have "action" in such a situation. There are still ways to have the scene play out the way you want it to, but perhaps you need to just not leave him in the crate so long? A lot of times we get the idea of how our scene is supposed to be structured so set in our minds that it becomes hard to change. But sometimes it can be beneficial just to step back and say, "Yeah, maybe I want him to be in the crate, maybe I want the scene to unfold in this way, but what do the tenets of good writing actually demand in this situation?"
 
Para 1 is interesting, I like it. Para 2 and 3 are clear, but mundane, though forgivably so.

Para 4 makes no sense whatsoever to me. You might as well express the action later on in another way as, at least to me, it has no meaning at all. If I was reading as part of a book I would simply sort of skip it and try to catch up later.

The last 3 paras pull me back a little. The blue light is interesting and makes me want more.

If you want to read a whole book based on an actual chess game try to find a copy of The Squares of the City, by John Brunner
 
Mate that is much better, but at the moment you're writing for yourself and not for the reader. There's too much of compressed exposition and not enough of description, drama and characterisation for the reader. I wouldn't want to go on and try to understand what your story is about. Not in its current shape.

Also note that you can drop the rewrites on same chapter in the original thread.
 
Dwarves were always keen for steroid or stimulant, particularly as competition amongst them intensified. - What competition, why mention it at all if your not going to expand on it.

The forth paragraph was a mystery to me.
The Whisper sounds like a nice idea, but you've dropped this character in with no reference, annoying.

However, your opening paragraph was very good, it's just the rest I have problems with.

I'm at a loss as to why it is you insist on sticking to narration as a style and don't do dialogue. Narration is just you belting on about what you think, and while your at it you've gagged your own characters and stifle the idea your trying to develop. Let your characters live, let them get a single word in...

Fume, rant etc.
 
Thanks for the comments on the previous post. I have launched straight into a second attempt on the back of it.

Chapter 1

When hunting a god, there is a fine line between being the hunter and the prey. One has to be outlandishly ambitious to attempt such a thing; one has to be teetering on the edge of insanity to attempt the hunt alone. -To me, both these statements say exactly the same thing- Janus Samuson was currently staring over the edge. In the complete darkness of the freight crate which had become his transport, -I believe this is a comma splice- Janus had become the prey.

In truth, he had been fortunate to make it off Andor -Andor sounds very Starwars, might not want readers making the connection- at all. Janus found it strange that human drug smugglers were ashore on an Elvin world, but Fate did owe him a favour or two, so he considered it adequate remittance. Though it would be fair to suggest that Janus had hoped for a more comfortable mode of transport.

Ivan,-No comma needed here- the crew leader had promised Janus that they were headed to the West. Janus knew better than to trust the word of a smuggler, but he seriously doubted they could go in any other direction. Harmony’s drug trade was centred on the West, where all the worlds of Men were. There was a bit of trade to be had in the Near North, -Switching to talking about the trade with the dwaves felt a bit thrown in there and disjointed from the comment about trade with the men-where the -Repeating sentence structure, change it from the previous sentence-Dwarven markets were. Dwarves were always keen for steroid or stimulant, particularly as competition amongst them intensified.

Janus liked to distract himself with idle thoughts. His current predicament was such that any distraction was welcome. Though he knew that avoiding the game was no way to play. The game being evenly poised. Neither side had really revealed their hands yet, but each knew the others goals. Knowing his enemy’s goal was Janus’s greatest advantage and disadvantage. The Whisper’s great fixation with eradicating anything which had trace of The Lanus about it,-no comma here- meant that although he did not know of Serena, he searched for it. -You're calling it by the name Serena, yet he doesn't know Serena. Since it is from his PoV, how can he call Serenaby its name when he doesn't know it. If he knows the name but nothing else, then I think you need to explain that a bit better- Janus knew that Serenarepresented his castle, but he did not -Something went wrong with the sentence here-his castle out in open play,-comma not strong enough- at least not yet. If he could somehow reach Serenawithout leading the enemy to his door, he could at least -Repeat of 'at least'-regroup. Serenarepresented a retreat to be sure, but Serenaalso represented something of a high ground. -You say Serenarepresented things three times. That's a lot of things for something he didn't know about to be 'representing'-The trick was getting there without a pawn in toe. That would prove problematic. -Really, this paragraph made no sense at all to me. I didn't have a clue what the character was talking about-

Janus pushed against the lid of the crate to check if it was still sealed. It was. An impish anxiety danced across his mind,-comma not strong enough- what if this was all an elaborate trap?

Credit where it was due,-comma not strong enough- The Whisper was a shrewd tactician, he deployed his agents with great care. He had Janus watching who was behind him. Even children were not exempt from being called into service. Janus shuddered. He'd call the despicable practice cowardice, but it had been an effective gambit. He felt a sharp pain as he drew breath, reminding him just how effective a gambit it had been.

Looking down at the palms of hands, Janus took some solace. The blue light which nestled there,-no comma here- reminded Janus of just how far he had come.


I think it is a bit too info-dumpish. There is no action at all in the scene, just dumping details about the world.

Also, I've highlighted the names in this scene. Janus and especially Serena I felt were used a bit too often. Definitely more than was needed. Using names too much pulls the reader out of the PoV and ruins the character's voice.
 
Chapter 1

When hunting a god, there is a fine line between being the hunter and the prey. One has to be outlandishly ambitious to attempt such a thing; one has to be teetering on the edge of insanity to attempt the hunt alone. Janus Samuson was currently staring over the edge. In the complete darkness of the freight crate which had become his transport, Janus had become the prey.

In truth, he had been fortunate to make it off Andor at all. Janus found it strange that human drug smugglers were ashore on an Elvin world, but Fate did owe him a favour or two, so he considered it adequate remittance. Though it would be fair to suggest that Janus had hoped for a more comfortable mode of transport.
Ivan, the crew leader had promised Janus that they were headed to the West. Janus knew better than to trust the word of a smuggler, but he seriously doubted they could go in any other direction. Harmony’s drug trade was centred on the West, where all the worlds of Men were.

Janus pushed against the lid of the crate to check if it was still sealed. It was. An impish anxiety danced across his mind, what if this was all an elaborate trap?

The Whisper was a shrewd tactician, he deployed his agents with great care. He had Janus watching who was behind him. Even children were not exempt from being called into service. Janus shuddered. He call the despicable practice cowardice, but it had been an effective gambit. He felt a sharp pain as he drew breath, reminding him just how effective a gambit it had been.

Looking down at the palms of hands, Janus took some solace. The blue light which nestled there, reminded Janus of just how far he had come.

Some sudden movement sent the crate hurtling toward the adjacent wall. Bursting from the crate, he looked around the hold. The room was hot, no it was baking. They’ve found me! He thought. Without another thought he sprinted for the door. The metal door flew off his hinges as he barrelled into it. Deep crimson flames surrounded him. It’s definitely them.

“Arraymais if you’re out there, now would be good time to play hero!”

Crimson fingers closed in around him. Droplets of sweat streaked down his brow. His fur began weigh him down. He expelled the smoke which tried to fill mouth. Charging down the hall, he was confronted by the sight of his pursuer.

“Now then Janus” a demonic figured said.

Janus felt his pulse quicken. The Whisper is serious this time…..
 
Much improved to be fair, but still repeating many of the same errors in my humble view.

Chapter 1

When hunting a god, there is a fine line between being the hunter and the prey. One has to be outlandishly ambitious to attempt such a thing; one has to be teetering on the edge of insanity to attempt the hunt alone.
– I still like this line, I’ll give you that.
Janus Samuson was currently staring over the edge – edge of what if Janus is inside a freight crate. In the complete darkness of the freight crate which had become his transport, Janus had become the prey.

In truth, he had been fortunate to make it off Andor at all. Janus found it strange that human drug smugglers were ashore on an Elvin world, but Fate did owe him a favour or two, so he considered it adequate remittance. Though it would be fair to suggest that Janus had hoped for a more comfortable mode of transport.
Ivan, the crew leader had promised Janus that they were headed to the West. Janus knew better than to trust the word of a smuggler, but he seriously doubted they could go in any other direction. Harmony’s drug trade was centred on the West, where all the worlds of Men were.

This section is difficult to follow, but I can follow it. All telling which as a tool is not great for a reader.

Janus pushed against the lid of the crate to check if it was still sealed. It was. An impish anxiety danced across his mind, what if this was all an elaborate trap?
– well, if he can’t get out, then by deduction, he is trapped?

The Whisper was a shrewd tactician, he deployed his agents with great care. He had Janus watching who was behind him. Even children were not exempt from being called into service. Janus shuddered. He call the despicable practice cowardice, but it had been an effective gambit.
– All this seems to be about having Janus followed, hardly cowardly in my books?
He felt a sharp pain as he drew breath, reminding him just how effective a gambit it had been. – What gambit, all you’ve talked about is having Janus followed? This is the frustrating element in your writing, you’re not explaining to the reader what has happened.

Looking down at the palms of hands, Janus took some solace. The blue light which nestled there, reminded Janus of just how far he had come.
– Blue light? Is it in his hands, is he holding the light etc. You’ve never explained this light so I have no idea if it’s important.

Some sudden movement sent the crate hurtling toward the adjacent wall.
– what wall, Janus is inside a crate so how would he know about any walls? Bursting from the crate, see, he looked around the hold. The room/hold? was hot, no it was baking. They’ve found me! – who found him? You could use italics for thoughts? He thought. Without another thought – repeating words close together he sprinted for the door - door? What space, where is he – not described or explained, just a hold/room?. The metal door flew off his hinges as he barrelled into it. Deep crimson flames surrounded him. It’s definitely them. - Them, them who?

“Arraymais if you’re out there, now would be
a good time to play hero!” said Janus. – He speaks…

Crimson fingers closed in around him.
– I assume this is flames, but I’m not sure Droplets of sweat streaked down his brow. His fur – fur, interesting! began weigh him down. He expelled the smoke which tried to fill mouth. –if he expelled, then the smoke was already in his mouth? Charging down the hall, - hall? What hall? he was confronted by the sight of his pursuer. – you could have told me the reader what this pursuer looked like?

“Now then
, Janus,” a demonic figured said. – Direct address so comma and comma to close speech.

Janus felt his pulse quicken. The Whisper is serious this time…..
Three dots only.
 
Much better the second time, though still slightly confusing, but I like a little confusion, adds interest and draws the reader in as long as it's not overdone. I am sorry if I seemed harsh before but it's just that the first one started out very well (The first sentence is about as perfect a hook as I've seen) but then completely ceased to make sense, at least to me.
 
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Hi, Stephen Samuels!

My friend, that opening line is pure gold. LOVE the idea of hunting a god in the sure knowledge of the risks involved.

As you've now heard... a LOT by now, it's the rest of the page that's problematic. Might be a good idea to get your POV character OUT of that crate right quick, 'cause he's not doing your story any good inside it.

Key questions I'd ask are:
WHO is this character (not just name, but backstory - which does NOT need to be on the page here)
WHAT does he want?
WHY does he want it?
WHO is trying to stop him?
WHAT has just happened to propel him out of his usual environment?
WHY?
WHAT happens to character & his world if he fails?

Even just answering those questions in story format will propel you forward into the plot rather effectively.
Hope that's helpful!
Best
Bonnie Milani
 
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