Neglected 668 words

[Kylara]

Hey guys, I know I haven't been critting much lately (so much work!) but at the end of this week I shall be back with a vengeance...so much lovely new stuff to crit! and I must say I am looking forward to it Anyways, I am hoping that some of you will be so kind as to take a look at this for me. I have pretty much fixed it as much as I can without tearing it to shreds and losing things, so feel free to rip into it Thanks

Neglected

[FONT=&quot]The storm built with her rage. The rain beating down upon the rough grey street was getting harder. Her face twisted and hail became interspersed with the falling rain. A flock of great grey birds drawn to her pulsing anger, sat on a wall nearby cawing sporadically, revelling in the downpour being unleashed from the skies above. She stalked her streets with deliberate strides, soaked clothes gaining a regality as she swept past deserted road after deserted road until she came to the offending spot. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A light! In her streets…How dare they? HOW DARE THEY?![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The clouds became heavier, and lightning sparked the ground around her feet, thunder rumbling a bass accompaniment to her rage. Head flung up, rain pouring down, she advanced down the street. She stopped just outside the pool of glowing yellow light, light that was tainting her streets, banishing the grey. A gentle cough from behind her and she whirled, lightning flashing in her eyes and in the skies above her head only to freeze, half formed in shock; fading a little before coming back with a vengeance, grounding all around him, unflinching in the midst of her electrical storm.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He smiled at her, eyes glimmering through the rain and the hail and the eddies of wind whipping his coat about his legs.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]‘Did you bring it?’[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]‘Of course! Who else but I could accomplish this?’ She flung her arms up, embracing the storm, glaring at him, but the thunder had stopped.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]‘And the grey? Did you do that too?’ His smile was sad, as he looked slowly around him, at the grey streets, the grey buildings, grey birds.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]‘Yes.’ Her arms dropped to her sides. She looked bedraggled in her wet clothes, her hair in tangled messes on her face. The rain was letting up, the hail had gone.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He stepped closer to her, as she shivered in her misting rain, stepped close and reached for her. The rain intensified and she flinched away from him, head held proudly once more, but her face was covered in more than just the rain now. He moved toward her once more and pulled her close to him; her tiny figure, wet and shaking, slowly relaxed into him.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]‘You left. What else was I to do?’ she whispered, and he held her tighter, resting his cheek upon her damp hair. The rain had gone, but the greyness was absolute, there was nothing she could do about that.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]‘I am truly sorry.’ Looking deeply into her shimmering eyes, water spilling down her face, he spoke. Staring out at her cold grey world, a world so empty of colour and life it made his heart bleed, he never should have left. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He walked her back to their house; the grey even denser here, and laid her on the bed. Exhausted she slept. He wandered through the house, touching things, looking; everything was as it was before, only grey. He left and walked through her world, walking through sun and warmth that increased with every step he took. He stopped by his light - the one that drew her out - and looked forlornly back in her direction. He must leave again, he’d said so in his note, and he hoped she’d understand. He turned and vanished, leaving her alone in her world once more.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]She woke alone, in light, glorious bright light. She smiled, he always left the best presents for her when he went away. She trailed through the colourful house, reading his note, smiling. She sighed and left the house only to gasp with surprise at what he’d given her. Her whole world was covered in him; his colours filled her eyes, reds and blues, luscious greens, everywhere she looked. He must have used most of his strength to give her this. Tears fell from her eyes and she was filled with joy, her rainbow blazing bright and true over the light, that offending light that brought him back to her, if only for a while.[/FONT]

 

[Hex]

Hi Kylara,

Do I spot an emotion exercise here?

I'm afraid it was all too much for me. There's so much emphasis on how angry she is/ on the pathetic fallacy that it's too rich.

If it were in a book I'd be thinking "yeah okay I get it -- she's cross -- now let's have something happen."

I thought her switch of emotion was far too fast to be believable, but I accept that it's hard to know in a piece this length how you've set up for it.

Sorry not to be more positive, but you know I'm the kind of reader who likes description minimal so I'm not the audience. For me, here, less would certainly be more.

I liked the lightning grounding all around him. Very cool.

 

[Kylara]

Haha thanks Hex, I did run away a bit with the pathetic fallacy didn't I! I was unsure about the switch too, I have started on a bigger piece with this as the basis which might make it more believable, but I will definitely try to make it less sudden...Yes it is a much tightened fiddled with emotion exercise (Thank you for instigating those by the way )

I'm so glad you liked the lightning it's one of my favourite parts!

 

[J Riff]

Its really good for 668 words though, I liked it.
The rain beating down upon the rough grey street was getting heavier maybe.
great grey birds, drawn to her pulsing anger, sat on a wall nearby cawing

...gaining a regality... cool.

[FONT=&quot]Head flung back, rain pouring down into her nose, she [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] A gentle cough from behind her and she whirled, lightning flashing in her eyes and in the skies above her head(,) only to freeze, half-formed in shock; fading a little before coming back with a vengeance, grounding all around him - unflinching in the midst of her electrical storm.[/FONT]

Doesn't matter, it was a good read. Theres probably a comma or two missing or something but I was touched.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Nothing wrong with pathetic fallacy, but I found the opening far too purple.

[FONT=&quot]The storm built with her rage. [fine as an opening] The rain beating down upon the rough grey street was getting harder. [This sentence feels like it may be using a different tense to the rest of the scene - taking away it's immediacy ] Her face twisted and hail became interspersed with the falling rain [do we get hail and rain at the same time??]. A flock of great grey birds drawn to her pulsing anger, sat on a wall nearby cawing sporadically, revelling in the downpour being unleashed from the skies above. [Very theatrical, but feels too much like an attempt to push more sympathetic adverbs into the prose] She stalked her streets with deliberate strides ['stalking' implies slow, careful, movement - 'deliberate strides' implies fast pace], soaked clothes gaining a regality [feels like an oxymoron to suggest someone drenched and dripping can look regal - if the regality is in the action, then the clothes wouldn't really be a focus IMO] as she swept past deserted road after deserted road until she came to the offending spot ['offending spot' feels a bit too abtract, as if there is a spot that offends - might have more impact by simply saying 'the place' to allow for that to raise the question of what that place implies]. [/FONT]

Just 2c, and time I provided feedback - though personally find it a bit hard because your pieces seem to be more exercises in writing rather than primarily a story in itself, which may distort "the rules" of what may be accepted to work.

 

[J Riff]

The offending light makes it clear its going to turn grey again. Terribly sad.
I'm going to disagree with everyone who says its too purple.

 

[Kylara]

Hehe purple *goes and hides with purple prose* sorry Brian - you have picked up an issue with the regality, which I like but I can see how it might not be reading as intended, especially if I have destroyed your brain with purple by that point Thanks J Riff possible fellow purpler nuance finder extraordinaire, my heartfelt thanks for the understanding of it!

Most of my 'proper' writing at the moment would require too much explanation for the extract to fit into the word limit, and not tight enough at the moment for the group, but I pick things that I am struggling with and run with them as little condensed exercises, which often turn into monsters of their own (apologies for the purple! I thought I was becoming less purple, so I will try harder at reduction to reasonable levels) by the time I put a new piece up I promise it will be an actual extract just for you, with lots of fun things in, like dragons and swords and space ships and ray guns

Thanks for the input so far, glad people are picking up the bits I like and also reminding of the purple trap! Much appreciated

 

[Bowler1]

Neglected

[FONT=&quot]The storm built with her rage. The rain beating down upon the rough grey street was getting harder. Her face twisted and hail became interspersed with the falling rain. A flock of great grey birds drawn to her pulsing anger, sat on a wall nearby cawing sporadically, revelling in the downpour being unleashed from the skies above. She stalked her streets with deliberate strides, soaked clothes gaining a regality [/FONT][FONT=&quot]– my spell check does not like this![/FONT][FONT=&quot] as she swept past deserted road after deserted road until she came to the offending spot. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A light! In her streets…How dare they? HOW DARE THEY[/FONT][FONT=&quot]?![/FONT] – I’d say ? or !, not both.

[FONT=&quot]The clouds became heavier, and lightning sparked the ground around her feet, thunder rumbling a bass accompaniment to her rage. Head flung up, rain pouring down, she advanced down the street. She stopped just outside the pool of glowing yellow light, light that was tainting her streets, banishing the grey. A gentle cough from behind her and she whirled, lightning flashing in her eyes and in the skies above her head [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I was a little lost just here[/FONT][FONT=&quot] only to freeze, half formed in shock; fading a little before coming back with a vengeance, grounding all around him, unflinching in the midst of her electrical storm.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He smiled at her, eyes glimmering through the rain and the hail and the eddies of wind whipping his coat about his legs.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]‘Did you bring it?’[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]‘Of course! Who else but I could accomplish this?’ She flung her arms up, embracing the storm, glaring at him, but the thunder had stopped.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]‘And the grey? Did you do that too?’ His smile was sad, as he looked slowly around him, at the grey streets, the grey buildings [/FONT][FONT=&quot]and the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]grey birds. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]– I prefer this but I’ve just noticed all the “the’s”, so your version may be better.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]‘Yes.’ Her arms dropped to her sides. She looked bedraggled in her wet clothes, her hair in tangled messes on her face. The rain was letting up, the hail had gone.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I suspect some comma splices but I’m not 100% sure.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He stepped closer to her[/FONT][FONT=&quot], no pause here?[/FONT][FONT=&quot] as she shivered in her misting rain, stepped close and reached for her. The rain intensified and she flinched away from him, head held proudly once more, but her face was covered in more than just the rain now. He moved toward her once more and pulled her close to him; her tiny figure, wet and shaking, slowly relaxed into him.[/FONT]


I would have had less comma’s and pauses but that would be my choice and not yours. I liked this little section, but I don’t know if I’d like to read a whole novel with such a narrative and purple style. Your definitely heading off in a direction of your own, which is very interesting. I don’t have too many problems and I’m sure there will be many members that will like this. A very nice and interesting piece.

 

[stephen.samuels]

I am inclined to agree with Riff about this but I like this style. The only thing which I may suggest is more of climatic embrace between the two and then sudden change, something almost immediate. Where he is gone almost instantly. His note being left behind. Just a thought.

 

[JoanDrake]

I am inclined to agree with Riff about this but I like this style. The only thing which I may suggest is more of climatic embrace between the two and then sudden change, something almost immediate. Where he is gone almost instantly. His note being left behind. Just a thought.

I have to agree, have the blaze of a sunbeam awaken her with its warmth, and the colors of a spectrum illuminating the note beside her

Purple is as purple needs to be.

 

[Esfires]

I'm almost inclined to agree that it's too purple, but on second thought I think the problem is that the execution is just lacking (and I don't mean that in a bad way). I can see what you're trying to do with it, and I think you've got good instincts, you just need more practice doing it. I would suggest that you find similar passages from published works and study them, going through them line by line, recognizing that every word the author placed there was placed for a reason.

You need to look at word economy (and I realize this is coming from a person who revels in verbosity). Every word needs to have a function, and every function needs to be fulfilled with the minimum number of words possible.

In "[FONT=&quot]Her face twisted and hail became interspersed with the falling rain.[/FONT]", 'interspersed with' could become simply, 'mixed.'

In "[FONT=&quot]The clouds became heavier", 'became heavier' could become simply 'darkened.'

(These examples also point out a habit you have of using "became insert adjective here" in place of a single, strong verb.)

Now, replacing many words with fewer words doesn't mean that your prose has to become simpler. It usually means just the opposite. The trick is in finding stronger words, words that can do with a little what you're presently doing with a lot. Remember that ten ounces of meaning in a small package is more effective than ten ounces of meaning in a large package. Even if your replacement words mean exactly the same thing, merely packing them in tighter will bring more "oomph' to the page.
[/FONT]

 

[stephen.samuels]

esfires makes a perfect point here. Powerful writing in poetic prose, does not necessarily exclusively go hand in hand with elongated sentences. However, as someone who regularly wrestles with verbal diarrhea, I understand it is very hard!

 

[Kylara]

Thanks guys, you've given me a lot to think about. Thanks for taking the time to look at it for me much appreciated. Ah the purple strikes again, I shall have to remedy it a little, thanks for the suggestions Esfires, I'll be definitely attempting to incorporate those stronger words you mentioned...hopefully with fewer of the other beautiful purple ones...thanks

 

[J Riff]

I think using ?! is okay... even using it with caps, like - It was TOO PURPLE?!
But not too often. Maybe only once per trilogy, say. But it works here.
It's also alrighty to start a sentence with BUT, it turns out, but that's another discussion.
The grey birds ...cawing sporadically..maybe cawing evilly or something darker, like her anger. Cawing irritatedly, contentiously, morosely.
Well, you'll figure it out. )