My first story: The Chronicles of Sora Sanyo

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DarkYami

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I thought i would try my luck and post something here:


The Chronicles of Sora Sanyo


Normal:

Sora Sanyo was in bed on his 17th birthday happily dreaming that he had red wings on his back flying in the air and that he also had a strange sword. The sword was huge, it had two blades and was covered in red feathers. Then there was a strange beeping noise, Sora rolled over and opened his eyes. He could see his alarm clock, it was 9:23am and his classes at college started at 10:00am. Sora knew that his alarm clock had once again been messed with by his room mates as a prank.

"I swear to god the next time I see those friends of mine I'm going to kill them" said Sora.

He got out of bed, he was pretty calm about this as it was not the first time they had done something like this. He was however still pretty quick about getting ready. He ran out of his bedroom and straight to the bathroom. Sora jumped into the shower, the water was cold but he didn't have time to wait for it to get warm so he just bared with it and cleaned himself. He wasn't in the shower for to long and as soon as he was done in jumped out and wrapped himself in a towel. Sora was freezing, he started jumping up and down trying to get a little warmer. Sora caught a look at himself in the mirror, he was a little pale, his hair was short but spiky and it was blue. He had dyed it years ago but he made a mistake and he wasn't able to make it go back to his normal colour of muddy brown. Sora realised this was not the time to reflect on his old hair colour and ran back to his room in a towel leaving his pyjamas in the bathroom. When he got back to his room he dried himself off and got changed.

"Thank you dear friends of mine, thank you for making me late and on my birthday" grumbled Sora.

He was now wearing a white shirt with a black tie, black trousers and black trainers. Sora went to his desk, picked up his key, wallet and put them his pockets and he also picked up his red sunglasses and put them on. Sora ran downstairs and went straight into the hall as he didn't have time to grab a breakfast of some kind. He picked up his bag and put it on his back. He then picked up his helmet and put it on his head. Sora opened the front door and went outside. He could see his bike was still chained at the front. He locked up the house and went towards his bike and unchained his bike. He then got on his bike and sped of hoping he wouldn't be late to college. Unknown to Sora however this would be the last normal morning of his life and that a great destiny await him from this day on.


The Demon within:

Sora arrived at college just with a few minutes to spare, he chained up his bike near the front gate and ran through the entrance and towards his class. Lucky went he got to outside the class room he was heading to people were only just going in. Sora was almost out of breath at this point. He bent down a little to regain some breath when someone shoved a bottle of water under his face. Sora took it without question and started drinking it without seeing who it was that had handed it to him. Sora stopped drinking the water and went to thank who it was who had gave him the water. He jumped back in surprise when he saw that it had been his friend and room mate Rai Crain.

"You… you're the reason I almost ended up being late this morning, you big jerk" said Sora sounding annoyed.

Rai laughed and then just smiled at him.

"Come on it was a joke, you made it on time and I won the bet" said Rai.

A large vain started throbbing on Sora's forehead.

"A bet, you made a bet to see if I would make it on time?" he asked.

Rai sensed the danger just from looking a Sora's forehead vain. He started to sweat a little and he needed to be careful not to anger him further.

"Listen its ok yeah I made a bet but.. But I'll treat you to something nice" replied Rai.

The Vain on Sora's forehead shrunk a little bit.

"Something nice?" asked Sora.

"Yeah buddy, I'll get you your favourite doughnuts" replied Rai.

Sora started to drool.

"With sprinkles?" he asked.

"You know it" replied Rai.

The throbbing vain on Sora's forehead disappeared, a big grin on Sora's face replaced it.

"So not annoyed at me any more?" asked Rai.

"Well for now" said Sora.

"Ah come on I've already made it up to you and you don't even know it yet" said Rai.

"How so?" asked Sora.

"Well you see when we get home, lets just say I've got you a big present" replied Rai.

"Big present" said Sora.

Sora had a big smile and then gave Rai a huge hug.

"Ah I love you Rai" said Sora.

"Get off me you big idiot, you see this is why people think we're gay" said Rai.

Rai managed to get Sora off him. As he did the professor came out of the classroom.

"You two coming to class today or do you want time to yourselves?" he said.

"No sir we're coming" said Sora.

Both Sora and Rai entered the classroom and sat in the back row. They got out their notebooks and tape recorders. The lecture started and though both of them did try to pay attention to what was being said they just seemed to lose focus on what was being said. Sora seemed to be drifting off and Rai got a newspaper out of his bag and started reading it. Sora was trying not to fall asleep but as he was he started dreaming again. It was the same dream he had this morning. He had noticed within the dream that it wasn't just his sword that was covered in red feathers but he himself was covered in red feathers just like the wings on his back. He was flying in the air and then he felt something prodding him. Sora woke up, Rai was poking him with his newspaper.

"Stop snoring" he said.

"Sorry, I forgot how boring this class can be" replied Sora.

"Well you'd better stay awake, the professor keeps looking up this way every time you snore. Its one thing not to pay attention its another to fall asleep" said Rai.

"Your not paying attention either" said Sora.

"Yes but I at least make it look like I'm taking notes now and then" said Rai.

"Ok I see your point" replied Sora.

Sora stretched over his desk, it was his birthday and he was stuck in class. He could over hear a couple of other students whispering to each other.

"Did you hear about the attack on the east side of the city?" whispered the first student.

"Yeah weren't a few houses burned down?" whispered the second student.

"I heard that too but the strange thing is some people claimed to have seen demons performing the attacks" said the first student.

"What?" asked the third student.

"Its like I said there were some witness's that said they saw that it was demons that had attacked the east part of the city" said the first student.

"Now that's just stupid, I'll bet it was just gang dressing up or something like that" said the third student.

Sora stopped listening as it wasn't that interesting though he did agree that the attack was most likely to be that of a gang rather then demons. He fell back asleep though it wasn't for long as a bell rang for the end of class. Sora jumped up as it rang, Rai saw this and laughed a little.

"Remember people everything I've talked to you about today will be in the exams that are coming up I hope you've been paying attention and not been sleeping like some people" said the Professor.

Sora noticed that he seemed to be looking up at him when he had said "not been sleeping like some people", he felt embarrassed because of it.

"Bugger he knew and double bugger I forgot to make notes I haven't got a real clue what was said today" he thought.

As both Sora and Rai left the class, Sora begged Rai to make a copy of his notes.

"Ok ok I'll lend them to you later on, lets go see the girls" said Rai.
 
Well done for getting some writing done. :)

The main concern about this is that it doesn't feel much like a POV experience, as much as a shopping list of actions, with no contextual meaning behind them:

He did this. He did that. He did some more. Sora did something else. He did another thing. He did something else more again.

What you'll need to do is try and get into the character experience more to bring life to the piece - so that it feels more like an actual experience, rather than a list of actions.

Also be careful with your editing before submission - some bad typos in this line:

Lucky went he got to outside the class room he was heading to people were only just going in.
 
Hi, don't know how far I'll get, I'm on Christmas duties of sorts. Firstly, well done in putting up a first crit, it's very nerve wracking.


Sora Sanyo was in bed on his 17th birthday happily dreaming that he had red wings on his back flying in the air and that he also had a strange sword. The sword was huge, it had two blades and was covered in red feathers. Then there was a strange beeping noise, Sora rolled over and opened his eyes. He could see his alarm clock, it was 9:23am and his classes at college started at 10:00am. Sora knew that his alarm clock had once again been messed with by his room mates as a prank.

I've just seen Brian's comment above, and it pretty well sums up what I'd thought. I'm going to be cheeky and rewrite the above, please feel free to ignore, just to see if it could be shortened, and made a little less listy:

Sora Sanyo (would he think of himself as that, or just Sora? It depends how close you want to get in terms of pov)

Sora had red wings on his back and was flying through the air, a double bladed sword, covered in red feathers, in his hand. He soared - Something beeped. He turned over in his bed and glanced at the clock: 9.23. 9.23? Classes started at 10 am. He groaned; another prank by his roommates, no doubt. And on his birthday; it wasn't fair.

It also occurs to me, sorry, that I've read somewhere that the waking up from a dreamm is seen as a little bit cliched.


"I swear to god the next time I see those friends of mine I'm going to kill themcomma" said Sora.

He got out of bed, he was pretty calm about this as it was not the first time they had done something like this. He was however still pretty quick about getting ready. He ran out of his bedroom and straight to the bathroom. Sora jumped into the shower, the water was cold but he didn't have time to wait for it to get warm so he just bared with it and cleaned himself. He wasn't in the shower for to long and as soon as he was done in jumped out and wrapped himself in a towel. Sora was freezing, he started jumping up and down trying to get a little warmer. Sora caught a look at himself in the mirror, he was a little pale, his hair was short but spiky and it was blue. He had dyed it years ago but he made a mistake and he wasn't able to make it go back to his normal colour of muddy brown. Sora realised this was not the time to reflect on his old hair colour and ran back to his room in a towel leaving his pyjamas in the bathroom. When he got back to his room he dried himself off and got changed. Like Brian says it's a list of actions that tell me very little about Sora. And, to be honest, it makes me wonder if I want to read on, because I'm not sure what the story is going to be, or what his conflict is.

"Thank you dear friends of mine, thank you for making me late and on my birthdaycomma" grumbled Sora.

He was now wearing a white shirt with a black tie, black trousers and black trainers. Sora went to his desk, picked up his key, wallet and put them his pockets and he also picked up his red sunglasses and put them on. Sora ran downstairs and went straight into the hall as he didn't have time to grab a breakfast of some kind. He picked up his bag and put it on his back. He then picked up his helmet and put it on his head. Sora opened the front door and went outside. He could see his bike was still chained at the front. He locked up the house and went towards his bike and unchained his bike. He then got on his bike and sped of hoping he wouldn't be late to college. Unknown to Sora however this would be the last normal morning of his life and that a great destiny await him from this day on.

to be honest, the last couple of hundred words boiled down to: he got up in a rush, and took a shower (did he have time for one?). He pulled on his clothes and left the house. As he got onto his bike, headed for college,he didn't realise this was the last normal morning of his life.

Which then makes me wonder, sorry, is this the best place to start. Because really all that's happened is he's had a dream, woken up, got dressed and left. Is there a more exciting place to start the story? Something that might make your reader go oh, wow, I'd like to know more about that?


The Demon within:

Sora arrived at college just with a few minutes to spare, he chained up his bike near the front gate and ran through the entrance and towards his class. Lucky went he got to outside the class room he was heading to people were only just going in. Sora was almost out of breath at this point. He bent down a little to regain some breath when someone shoved a bottle of water under his face. Sora took it without question and started drinking it without seeing who it was that had handed it to him. Sora stopped drinking the water and went to thank who it was who had gave him the water. He jumped back in surprise when he saw that it had been his friend and room mate Rai Crain.

"You… you're the reason I almost ended up being late this morning, you big jerk" said Sora sounding annoyed.

Rai laughed and then just smiled at him.

"Come on it was a joke, you made it on time and I won the bet" said Rai.

A large vainvein started throbbing on Sora's forehead.

"A bet, you made a bet to see if I would make it on time?" he asked.

Rai sensed the danger just from looking a Sora's forehead vain. He started to sweat a little and he needed to be careful not to anger him further.

"Listen, itsit's ok yeah I made a bet but... but But I'll treat you to something nicecomma" replied Rai.

The Vainvein on Sora's forehead shrunk a little bit.


QUOTE]

sorry, I have to stop there, duty calls. I think when he meets up with his friends it gets more interesting, and that might be a more engaging place to start? Dialogue punctuation, you need to put a comma before the " he said. I'd like to know more about Sora and his destiny, and less about every movement he makes, but I think you have a good foundation here.
Good luck.
 
Congratulations on writing your first story!
I'd concur with most of what the first two posters say. You don't have to tell us everything that your hero does, just what's interesting, and in particular what advances the story.
I also detect an anime/manga influence here :)
I'd caution against trying to imitate an anime/manga script too much, as these things tend to be more, well "comic-book" than one really wants in a prose story, and what works well on screen does not necessarily work so well in text. The scene where a character gets up late and rushes breakfast often appears in anime where it's amusing, but in a text page it's unlikely to work that well.
The main thing is to keep writing and try to learn from what works for your readers and what doesn't.
 
Thanks guys this helps alot and it means a lot too. Honestly i've been trying to get my family and friends to take a look at my work and they never have time to do so. This story is something i came up with for comic/manga ideas but i cant draw at all. However i decided ages ago to at least type some up and here it is. I've done two chapters already but talking these notes i think i need to shorten what i've done so far. I'm working on other storys that i will post up at some point, this story just happened to be the first story i came up with and my other ones i'm making into novels so hopefully they at least seem a little better.

Also be careful with your editing before submission - some bad typos in this line:

Yeah that happens a lot with me, i try my best to notice these and sometimes i catch them before i post them up. Saddly this is down to my dyspraxia; its not my excuse of course it just doesnt help ^_^
 
Hello, I agree with most of the other comments. There is no need to repeat them. I made a few comments below in red, and I hope they help you. Most comments are opinion and... you know about opinion. Please take with a pinch of salt.




Normal:

Sora Sanyo was in bed on his 17th birthday [happily dreaming that he had red wings on his back flying in the air and that he also had a]DELETE
You want to get the hook quick… take out unnecessary verbiage. If we need to know about the sword, or wings; bring us into the dream, in an interesting way... or cut it completely.
,dreaming about
strange sword. [The sword was huge, it had two blades and was covered in red feathers. Then there was a strange beeping noise,]DELETE
“BEEP…BEEEP…BEEEEEEP”
[Sora rolled over and opened his eyes. He could see his alarm clock, it was 9:23am and his classes at college started at 10:00am. Sora knew that his alarm clock had once again been messed with by his room mates as a prank.]DELETE

Damn... Bill and Ted f***** with my alarm!
["I swear to god the next time I see those friends of mine I'm going to kill them" said Sora.] DELETE

[He got out of bed, he was pretty calm about this as it was not the first time they had done something like this. He was however still pretty quick about getting ready. He ran out of his bedroom and straight to the bathroom. Sora jumped into the shower, the water was cold but he didn't have time to wait for it to get warm so he just bared with it and cleaned himself. He wasn't in the shower for to long and as soon as he was done in jumped out and wrapped himself in a towel. Sora was freezing, he started jumping up and down trying to get a little warmer.]DELETE

Jumping out of bed,

Sora caught a look at himself in the mirror, [he was a little]DELETE pale [,]… his hair [was short but]DELETE
spiky [and it was blue]DELETE. [He had dyed it years ago but he made a mistake and he wasn't able to make it go back to his normal colour of muddy brown.]DELETE
[ Sora [realied] SPELLING this was not the time to reflect on his old hair colour and ran back to his room in a towel leaving his [pyjamas]SPELLING in the bathroom. When he got back to his room he dried himself off and got changed. ]DELETE

"[Thank you dear friends of mine, thank you]DELETE

Ted you freak,

thanks for making me late [and]DELETE on my birthday" [grumbled Sora. ]DELETE

[He was now wearing a white shirt with a black tie, black trousers and black trainers. Sora went to his desk, picked up his key, wallet and put them his pockets and he also picked up his red sunglasses and put them on.]DELETE
He stuffed his junk into his pockets and snatched a helmet on the way out the door.

[Sora]DELETE ran downstairs and went straight [into the hall as he didn't have time to grab a breakfast of some kind. He picked up his bag and put it on his back. He then picked up his helmet and put it on his head. Sora opened the front door and went outside. He could see his bike was still chained at the front. He locked up the house and went towards his bike and unchained his bike.]DELETE
[ He then got on his bike and sped of hoping he wouldn't be late to college.]DELETE/GRAMMAR/SPELLING

Unknown to Sora [however] DELETE, [this would be the last normal morning of his life and that] DELETE a great destiny await[]ed him [from this day on.] DELETE


The Demon within:

Sora [arrived at college just with a few minutes to spare, he chained up his bike near the front gate and ran through the entrance and towards his class. [Lucky went he got to outside the class room] GRAMMAR, SENTENCE STRUCTURE, SPELLING VERBOSITY
 
If this is truly your first attempt at writing fiction, I am very impressed. I know that my first attempts were much, much worse!

I have to agree with others that the waking up and getting ready for class scene does very little. The bit about the strange dream could be inserted later ("He remembered a strange dream . . ." or something like that.) I understand that you are trying to give us a good idea about what your protagonist looks like, but you need to be more subtle. (I very much like the bit about the hair color change that he regrets, by the way. That's a nice bit of characterization. It's much better than just saying he had brown hair.) Having your protagonist look in the mirror and think about what he looks like has been overdone. This kind of information, if it is needed at all, should be given to the reader in a much more subtle way, and not all at once.

The big technical problem I see here is that you have a strong tendency to use a lot of run-on sentences. There are times when this can be a useful technique, in a very dramatic situation, but it should be used very, very rarely. (Maybe something like "The wind screamed in the trees, hail smashed into the ground, the whole world was a nightmare." That's not a particularly good sentence, but do you see how I deliberately used a run-on sentence in an attempt to convey the impact of the storm? As I say, if you do this at all, do it just once in a great while.)

A typical sentence from your story:

Sora arrived at college just with a few minutes to spare, he chained up his bike near the front gate and ran through the entrance and towards his class.

At the very least, the comma between "spare" and "he" should be a period.

(And by the way, "with just a few minutes to spare" would be much better than "just with a few minutes to spare." You also don't need "up" after "chained," and I don't think you really need "and towards his class" -- the reader knows that from the start of the sentence.)

Revised version:

Sora arrived at college with just a few minutes to spare. He chained his bike near the front gate and ran through the entrance.

With this as just a small example, you need to go back and look for places where you can use a period instead of a comma or the word "and." You also need to look for words you can eliminate. Edit ruthlessly!

I might also suggest you integrate description and dialogue more smoothly. As it is we tend to have a long paragraph of narration, then several lines of dialogue.

I do like the way you have given me some sense of the character's quirks. (I like the red sunglasses, for example. Instead of describing everything he is wearing, just a line like "He grabbed his favorite red sunglasses and ran out the door" would add that bit of characterization without slowing down the action.)
 
Hi DarkYami. This isn't too bad for your first attempt.

Sora Sanyo was in bed on his 17th birthday happily dreaming that he had red wings on his back flying in the air and that he also had a strange sword. The sword was huge, it had two blades and was covered in red feathers. Then there was a strange beeping noise, Sora rolled over and opened his eyes. He could see his alarm clock, it was 9:23am and his classes at college started at 10:00am. Sora knew that his alarm clock had once again been messed with by his room mates as a prank.

To begin with. Don't just tell us about the dream, but start inside the dream, describing the dream as if it was really happening and then interrupt it with the alarm. Don't tell us it is a dream until he's woken up. That will make it more hooky. But saying that, if you aren't just writing this for fun, then you might want to reconsider starting with a dream. The opening scene of a novel being a dream is considered a cliché, which means it will put some people off reading it, especially agents/editors. If you are just writing this for fun, and for personal entertainment, then don't worry about that.


He got out of bed, he was pretty calm about this as it was not the first time they had done something like this. He was however still pretty quick about getting ready. He ran out of his bedroom and straight to the bathroom. Sora jumped into the shower, the water was cold but he didn't have time to wait for it to get warm so he just bared with it and cleaned himself. He wasn't in the shower for to long and as soon as he was done in jumped out and wrapped himself in a towel. Sora was freezing, he started jumping up and down trying to get a little warmer. Sora caught a look at himself in the mirror, he was a little pale, his hair was short but spiky and it was blue. He had dyed it years ago but he made a mistake and he wasn't able to make it go back to his normal colour of muddy brown. Sora realised this was not the time to reflect on his old hair colour and ran back to his room in a towel leaving his pyjamas in the bathroom. When he got back to his room he dried himself off and got changed.

This is where your biggest issue comes from. It's all narrated from outside Sora's head. You need to write it how Sora would really think and describe his actions, otherwise it sounds like a second character observing what Sora is doing from a distance - the shopping list effect.

"Thank you dear friends of mine, thank you for making me late and on my birthday," grumbled Sora .

I like the sarcasm of this dialogue, but make sure to include your commas at the end.


He was now wearing a white shirt with a black tie, black trousers and black trainers. Sora went to his desk, picked up his key, wallet and put them his pockets and he also picked up his red sunglasses and put them on. Sora ran downstairs and went straight into the hall as he didn't have time to grab a breakfast of some kind. He picked up his bag and put it on his back. He then picked up his helmet and put it on his head. Sora opened the front door and went outside. He could see his bike was still chained at the front. He locked up the house and went towards his bike and unchained his bike. He then got on his bike and sped of hoping he wouldn't be late to college. Unknown to Sora however this would be the last normal morning of his life and that a great destiny await him from this day on.


...


Sora arrived at college just with a few minutes to spare, he chained up his bike near the front gate and ran through the entrance and towards his class. Lucky went he got to outside the class room he was heading to people were only just going in. Sora was almost out of breath at this point. He bent down a little to regain some breath when someone shoved a bottle of water under his face. Sora took it without question and started drinking it without seeing who it was that had handed it to him. Sora stopped drinking the water and went to thank who it was who had gave him the water. He jumped back in surprise when he saw that it had been his friend and room mate Rai Crain.

Notice how I pointed out every use of his name? Try to avoid using his name multiple times in the same paragraph, because it's not needed and distances us even more from his mind. 'He' works perfectly fine instead.


"You… you're the reason I almost ended up being late this morning, you big jerk," said Sora, sounding annoyed.

There is always a comma separating the dialogue tag (said Sora) from the extra description explaining the tone of his voice. BUT, since it's supposed to be from Sora's PoV, you don't say 'sounding' either, because he already knows he is annoyed - we don't need to be uncertain about it.

Rai laughed and then just smiled at him.

"Come on it was a joke, you made it on time and I won the bet" said Rai.

A large vain started throbbing on Sora's forehead.

"A bet, you made a bet to see if I would make it on time?" he asked.

Rai sensed the danger just from looking a Sora's forehead vain. He started to sweat a little and he needed to be careful not to anger him further.

"Listen its ok yeah I made a bet but.. But I'll treat you to something nice" replied Rai.

The Vain on Sora's forehead shrunk a little bit.

"Something nice?" asked Sora.

Okay, lets have a look at this patch of dialogue. Firstly, there is one big problem with it. I've marked it in red. That is thoughts and description from Rei's mind, which we can only know if we are seeing the scene from Rei's PoV. The problem is, the scene started before Rei was even a part of it. It started back when Sora turned up to school, which means it can't be from Rei's PoV.

If you want to make it from Rei's PoV then you need to write the opening paragraph of the scene from Rei's perspective, not Sora's like it is at the moment.

If you don't fix this, it is called 'head-hopping' which is a bad writing practice that will frustrate your readers.

Secondly, you don't need to end every single bit of dialogue with a 'dialogue tag'. The bit marked below in purple is the dialogue tag.

"Listen its ok yeah I made a bet but.. But I'll treat you to something nice," replied Rai.

When the conversation is between only two characters, once it's started you already know who is saying what line of dialogue because each one is on a new line, indicating it is a different speaker to the previous dialogue. For example:

"So, not annoyed at me any more?" asked Rai.

"Well for now," said Sora.

"Ah come on. I've already made it up to you and you don't even know it yet."

Sora's ears perked up. "How so?"

"Well you'll see when we get home. Lets just say I've got you a big present."

"Big present?" Whatever could he mean?


Alright, a few changes I made there. Firstly, I've removed Rei's name several times. We know it is him speaking, so you don't have to say the dialogue tag.

Secondly, notice the bit in blue? That is another way to avoid saying the dialogue tag. Putting an action from the speaker before or after the dialogue is exactly the same as saying, 'he said.'

Thirdly, notice the bit in orange? That is only one of the ways that you could possibly get in closer to Sora's mind, by showing us some of his thoughts. It's a very basic example. We also don't need 'said Sora' there either, since we know it was Rei speaking in the dialogue above.

Fourthly, notice the punctuation marked in red. Remember it, that is the way dialogue should be punctuated. If there is a dialogue tag after the speech, then there is a comma before the ending quote. If there isn't a dialogue tag, or if there is action instead, then it is a full stop instead of a comma. Also, make sure every single question ends with a question mark instead.

For examples of how to get closer into the PoV, maybe look around at how other people have done it in their critiques? Obviously avoiding the critiques where people have made the same mistake. ;)

I'll leave it there as I think you have a lot to work on now. Hope that helps.
 
Last edited:
I thought i would try my luck and post something here:
No luck, I'm afraid; I'm around. Note the comma at the end of quotation marks (inverted commas) that you get wrong all the time, and a certain excess of comma splices (places where two complete sentences are separated by commas, rather than full stops or semicolons as would be grammatically recommendable. They are now tolerated, where in my youth they would have been unacceptable, but even so there is no need to overindulge.

The Pedant

The Chronicles of Sora Sanyo


Normal:

Sora Sanyo was in bed on his 17th birthday
Punctuate
happily dreaming that he had red wings on his back
Punctuate
flying in the air and that he also had a strange sword. The sword was huge,
Comma
it had two blades and was covered in red feathers. Then there was a strange beeping noise,
Comma splice
Sora rolled over and opened his eyes. He could see his alarm clock,
Comma splice
it was 9:23am and his classes at college started at 10:00am. Sora knew that his alarm clock had once again been messed with by his room mates as a prank.
Passive mode (not important, I'm just pointing it out).
"I swear to god the next time I see those friends of mine I'm going to kill them
Comma
" said Sora.

He got out of bed,
Comma splice
he was pretty calm about this as it was not the first time they had done something like this. He was
Comma
Comma
still pretty quick about getting ready. He ran out of his bedroom and straight to the bathroom. Sora jumped into the shower,
Comma splice
the water was cold but he didn't have time to wait for it to get warm so he just bared
bore (I think "bear with it" comes from to tolerate {"bear"} not nakedness {"bare"}).
with it and cleaned himself. He wasn't in the shower for to
too
comma
as soon as he was done
Comma; and do you need that "in"?
in jumped out and wrapped himself in a towel. Sora was freezing,
Comma splice
he started jumping up and down trying to get a little warmer. Sora caught a look at himself in the mirror,
Comma splice
he was a little pale, his hair was short but spiky and it was blue. He had dyed it years ago but he
had
made a mistake and he wasn't
hadn't been
able to make it go back to his normal colour of muddy brown. Sora realised this was not the time to reflect on his old hair colour and ran back to his room in a towel leaving his pyjamas in the bathroom. When he got back to his room he dried himself off and got changed.

"Thank you dear friends of mine, thank you for making me late and on my birthday
Comma
" grumbled Sora.

He was now wearing a white shirt with a black tie, black trousers and black trainers. Sora went to his desk, picked up his key, wallet and put them his pockets and he also picked up his red sunglasses and put them on. Sora ran downstairs and went straight into the hall as he didn't have time to grab a breakfast of some kind. He picked up his bag and put it on his back. He then picked up his helmet and put it on his head. Sora opened the front door and went outside. He could see his bike was still chained at the front. He locked up the house and went towards his bike and unchained his bike. He then got on his bike and sped of
off, comma.
hoping he wouldn't be late to college. Unknown to Sora
Comma
Comma
this would be the last normal morning of his life and tha
No "that"
t a great destiny await
You've been in past tense until now; this should be "awaited".
him from this day on.


The Demon within:

Sora arrived at college just with a few minutes to spare,
Comma splice
he chained up his bike near the front gate and ran through the entrance and towards his class. Lucky
Luckily?
when – and possibly "arrived" would work better than "got to".
he got to outside the class room he was heading to people were only just going in. Sora was almost out of breath at this point. He bent down a little to regain some breath when someone shoved a bottle of water under his face. Sora took it without question and started drinking it without seeing who it was that had handed it to him. Sora stopped drinking the water and went to thank who it was
had been
who had gave
given
him the water. He jumped back in surprise when he saw that it had been his friend and room mate Rai Crain.

"You… you're the reason I almost ended up being late this morning, you big jerk
Comma
" said Sora
Comma
sounding annoyed.

Rai laughed and then just smiled at him.

"Come on
Comma
it was a joke,
Comma splice
you made it on time and I won the bet" said Rai.

A large vain
vein
started throbbing on Sora's forehead.

"A bet, you made a bet to see if I would make it on time?" he asked.

Rai sensed the danger just from looking a Sora's forehead vain
vein
. He started to sweat a little and he needed to be careful not to anger him further.

"Listen its ok yeah I made a bet but.. But I'll treat you to something nice
Comma, and unless he's babbling the text without space for breath, a bit of punctuation at the beginning of his statement would be appreciated.
" replied Rai.

The Vain
vein
on Sora's forehead shrunk a little bit.

"Something nice?" asked Sora.
That's probably smoother as "he asked".
"Yeah buddy, I'll get you your favourite doughnuts" replied Rai.

Sora started to drool.

"With sprinkles?" he asked.

"You know it
Comma
" replied Rai.

The throbbing vain
vein
on Sora's forehead disappeared,
Comma splice.
a big grin on Sora's face replaced it.

"Sonot annoyed at me any more?" asked Rai.

"Well
Punctuation.
Comma
" said Sora.

"Ah come on
Punctuation.
I've already made it up to you and you don't even know it yet
Comma
" said Rai.

"How so?" asked Sora.

"Well you see when we get home,
Comma splice, and "let's".
lets just say I've got you a big present
Comma
" replied Rai.

"Big present
Well, at least a comma; but I suspect a question mark from the way he's saying it
" said Sora.

Sora had a big smile and then gave Rai a huge hug.

"Ah
.Punctuation
I love you Rai
Comma
" said Sora.

"Get off me you big idiot,
Comma splice
you see this is why people think we're gay
Comma
" said Rai.

Rai managed to get Sora off him. As he did the professor came out of the classroom.

"You two coming to class today or do you want time to yourselves?" he said.

"No sir we're coming
Comma
" said Sora.

Both Sora and Rai entered the classroom and sat in the back row. They got out their notebooks and tape recorders. The lecture started and
Comma
though both of them did try to pay attention to what was being said
Comma
they just seemed to lose focus on what was being said
Avoid the repetition of "what was being said".
. Sora seemed to be drifting off and Rai got a newspaper out of his bag and started reading it. Sora was trying not to fall asleep but
Comma
as he was
Comma
he started dreaming again. It was the same dream he had this morning. He had noticed within the dream that it wasn't just his sword that was covered in red feathers but he himself was covered in red feathers
try to avoid the repetition of "covered in red feathers"
just like the wings on his back. He was flying in the air and then he felt something prodding him. Sora woke up,
Comma splice
Rai was poking him with his newspaper.

"Stop snoring
Comma
" he said.

"Sorry, I forgot how boring this class can be
Comma
" replied Sora.

"Well
Punctuation
you'd better stay awake, the professor keeps looking up this way every time you snore. Its
It's
one thing not to pay attention
Comma, it's
its another to fall asleep
Comma
" said Rai.

"Your
You're
not paying attention either
Comma
" said Sora.

"Yes
Comma
but I at least make it look like I'm taking notes now and then
Comma
" said Rai.

"Ok
Punctuation
I see your point
Comma
" replied Sora.

Sora stretched over his desk,
Comma splice
it was his birthday and he was stuck in class. He could over hear a couple of other students whispering to each other.

"Did you hear about the attack on the east side of the city?" whispered the first student.

"Yeah
Punctuate
there
a few houses burned down?" whispered the second student.

"I heard that too but
Comma
the strange thing is
Comma
some people claimed to have seen demons performing the attacks
Comma
" said the first student.

"What?" asked the third student.

"Its
It's
like I said
Punctuate
there were some witness's
witnesses
that said they saw that it was demons that had attacked the east part of the city
Comma
" said the first student.

"Now that's just stupid,
Comma splice
I'll bet it was just
a
gang dressing up or something like that
Comma
" said the third student.

Sora stopped listening as it wasn't that interesting
Punctuate
though he did agree that the attack was most likely to be that of a gang rather then demons. He fell back asleep though it wasn't for long as a bell rang for the end of class. Sora jumped up as it rang,
Comma splice
Rai saw this and laughed a little.

"Remember
Comma
Comma
everything I've talked to you about today will be in the exams that are coming up
Full stop (period)
I hope you've been paying attention and not been sleeping like some people
Comma
" said the Professor.

Sora noticed that he seemed to be looking up at him when he had said "not been sleeping like some people", he felt embarrassed because of it.

"Bugger
Comma
he knew and double bugger I forgot to make notes
Semicolon
I haven't got a real clue what was said today
Comma
" he thought.

As both Sora and Rai left the class, Sora begged Rai to make a copy of his notes.

"Ok ok
Punctuate
I'll lend them to you later on,
Comma
let's
go see the girls
Comma
" said Rai.
 
Post the next section, I want to know what happens next. Seems you've got an audience, and not just me -- so far :)


Do i need to start a new thread for the next part? Or do i post it here?

EDIT:

Or if you like i could just give you my deviantart account ^_^
 
Post the next section, I want to know what happens next. Seems you've got an audience, and not just me -- so far :)

Do i need to start a new thread for the next part? Or do i post it here?

EDIT:

Or if you like i could just give you my deviantart account ^_^

Can I just point out that this is a Critiques board - where people post up work to invite constructive criticism - so that they can applied comments as required to make their work stronger.

This is *not* a reading board - please make such requests via PM or similar thanks. :)
 
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