The Kradok (700 words)

[RJM Corbet]

Background: Sorac (the shepherd) Toache (the big dumb boatmaker) and Tyl (the woman) are cut-off in the jungle, on the muddy edge of a slow, green river, inhabited by all sorts of dangerous creatures. They've spent the last two days trying to make a raft to cross the river. The night is humid, sweaty, hot, it's been raining steadily for days, and they're already past exhaustion. Tyl, after all day trying, has at last managed to get a fire going inside a smoky, makeshift tent. Sorac and Tyl have passed-out heavily asleep inside the leaking fire-tent, and so Toache has to stand guard...



Toache ducked out of the tent into the rain. Though he was exhausted and his eyelids felt like heavy nutshells, he knew he must stay awake to face the unseen danger. He hoped the rain would keep him awake for a few hours, after which he would wake the shepherd to take over guard duty for a shift. I am alone, he thought: Strength -- only the now.

He filled a mug with water and rinsed out his mouth with it. He took a piece of charcoal from the edge of the fire and crumbled it. He mixed the charcoal with a little salt and then with a thick finger began rubbing the mixture against his few remaining teeth to clean them. He was beginning to realize that they were valuable to him.

At that moment came a crash of breaking branches from the darkness, and a Kradok lurched bellowing into the clearing.

The shepherd was out of the tent in an instant -- and had already loosed an arrow at the throat of the hairy, apelike creature.

But the Kradok’s hide was so tough, and its muscle so solid, that the arrow failed to penetrate. The Kradok tore the arrow out with a scream of rage, giving Toache time to dive at it and bring it down in the mud.

Toache’s roaring mixed with the bellowing of the Kradok as he struggled to pin the powerful creature down with his own considerable weight. He grabbed the hair on the back of the creature’s head and thumped its face against the ground but the mud was soft, and the Kradok threw him off like a rag.

Tyl had now emerged half asleep from the tent and was screaming.

“Get behind me!” Sorac shouted.

He loosed another arrow at the creature’s neck as it was rising to its feet.

Again the arrow failed to penetrate, and again the Kradok tore the arrow out, bellowing its anger.

And again the arrow slowed it for an instant.

Desperately Toache reached for the nearest weapon he could find -- an axe -- and this time he made no mistake, cutting off the creature’s foot.

Tyl was screaming, Sorac was shouting, Toache was roaring incoherently and the Kradok was bellowing and howling as it toppled over backward, spraying sheets of blood into the rain.

Toache stepped up and raised the shining axe to split its skull. But something in the creature’s eyes made him delay the stroke. Half animal, half man, it ceased to rage and stared up at Toache with brutish brown eyes, writhing on the ground while its red blood gouted in thick spurts from its terrible wound and churned with the mud.

The Kradok saw Toache surrounded by a golden light, and behind him Sorac and Tyl surrounded by the same light.

It tried to rise upon its stump, but Toache gestured with the axe: “Move not Kradok, unless it be to bow before thy master.”

The Kradok, like most wild beasts, was mostly concerned with its own stomach. Now on the precipice of death, its mind found a different concern, and in the instant before it lost consciousness it became something greater. Toache let his hand fall to his side, still holding the axe.

“We must bind it securely.” He heaved for breath.

“But it wants to eat us?” Tyl objected.

“It did indeed -- but now I think it just wants to live,” Toache said.

He let the axe fall and stood panting, with his hands on his knees: “I must cauterize the wound, or it will quickly bleed to death.”

“Why?” Sorac asked him.

“I just can’t kill it,” shrugged Toache.

He applied a tourniquet before binding the unconscious creature, and then he expertly cauterized the bleeding stump with a hot iron and stitched the wound, after cleaning it with hot water and smearing it with ointment.

The Kradok stirred and shifted while he performed the operation, but mercifully did not regain consciousness.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

This reads very nicely. I have a couple of quibbles.

I have a prejudice against archaic language, unless it is used very, very carefully. In this case, "thy master" really grated on my nerves, since the rest of the dialogue seems very modern. (The word "cauterize" for example.) I would just say "your master."

"Strength -- only the now" really confused me. I have no idea what you are trying to tell me here.

Otherwise, this was vivid and interesting. I do very much like the protagonist's desire to save the life of the creature.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hi RJM, this read well, there were just a few bits were I felt it could be tightened a little/made slightly more active. Particularly in the action sequence, I thought some of the sentences were a little long, which slowed it for me.


Toache ducked out of the tent into the rain. Though he was exhausted and his eyelids felt like heavy nutshells, he knew he must stay awake to face the unseen danger. He hoped the rain would keep him awake for a few hours, after which he would wake the shepherd to take over guard duty for a shift - I think you could lose this.. I am alone, he thought: Strength -- only the now? I didn't get what this meant.

He filled a mug with water and rinsed out his mouth with it - delete; implied?. He took a piece of charcoal from the edge of the fire and crumbled it. He mixed the charcoal - it - with a little salt and then - drop? as it slows and isn't needed? with a thick finger began rubbing the mixture against his few remaining teeth to clean them. He was beginning to realize that they were valuable to him.

At that moment came a crash of breaking branches from the darkness, and a Kradok lurched bellowing into the clearing.

I'd have liked the above to be a little more active and start with the crash of branches.

The shepherd was out of the tent in an instant -- and had already loosedfrom the tent? an arrow at the throat of the hairy, apelike creature.

But the Kradok’s hide was so tough, and its muscle so solid, that - drop? the arrow failed to penetrate. The Kradok tore the arrow - it - out with a scream of rage, giving Toache time to dive at it - drop? and bring it - the Kradok? down in the mud.

Toache’s roaring mixed with the bellowing of the Kradok. He struggled to pin the powerful creature down with his own considerable weight. He grabbed the hair on the back of the creature’s head and thumped its face against the ground but the mud was soft, and the Kradok threw him off like a rag.

Tyl had now emerged half asleep from the tent and was screamingthe screaming doesn't seem to fit with half asleep?.

“Get behind me!” Sorac shouted - change to: Sorac loosed another arrow.... ? removes the paragraph break and the action tag is more active?

He loosed another arrow at the creature’s neck as it was rising to its feet.

Again the arrow failed to penetrate, and again the Kradok tore the arrow out, bellowing its anger.

And againthe first two agains, I quite lliked as an echo, this one didn't entirely work for me the arrow slowed it for an instant.

Desperately Toache reached for the nearest weapon he could find -- an axe -- and this time he made no mistake, cutting off the creature’s foot.

Tyl was screaming, Sorac was shouting, Toache was roaring incoherently and the Kradok was bellowing and howling as it toppled over backward, spraying sheets of blood into the rain. nice paragraph.

Toache stepped up and raised the shining axe to split its skull. But something in the creature’s eyes made him delay the stroke. Half animal, half man, it ceased to rage and stared up at Toache with brutish brown eyes, writhing on the ground new sentence? Its while its red blood gouted in thick spurts from its terrible wound and churned with the mud.

The Kradokhave we switched Povs? saw Toache surrounded by a golden light, and behind him Sorac and Tyl surrounded by the same light.

It tried to rise upon its stump, but Toache gestured with the axe: “Move not Kradok, unless it be to bow before thy master.”

The Kradok, like most wild beasts, was mostly concerned with its own stomach. Now on the precipice of death, its mind found a different concern, and in the instant before it lost consciousness it became something greater. Toache let his hand fall to his side, still holding the axe.

“We must bind it securely.” He heaved for breath.

“But it wants to eat us?” why a question?Tyl objected.

“It did indeed -- but now I think it just wants to live,” Toache said.

He let the axe fall and stood pantingI'd change this to panted, as the hands on his knees doesn't seem to sit quite right with stood., with his hands on his knees: “I must cauterize the wound, or it will quicklydelete? bleed to death.”

“Why?” Sorac asked him.

“I just can’t kill it,” shrugged Toache.

He applied a tourniquet before binding the unconscious creature, and then he expertly cauterized the bleeding stump with a hot iron and stitched the wound, after cleaning it with hot water and smearing it with ointment.I think you mean that he cleaned it with hot water and the ointment after the earlier actions, but the way its worded, it could mean that he did the other actions after cleaning it? I'd take a full stop after wound and go with a new sentence. After, he cleaned it...?

The Kradok stirred and shifted while he performed the operation, but mercifully did not regain consciousness.[/QUOTE]

I enjoyed the scene, thought the mercy shown was a nice touch. Wasn't so keen on the pov shift. The rest are just suggestions that I thought might tighten it a little bit. good stuff.

 

[JoanDrake]

If neither of the arrows penetrated why did the Kradok have to tear them out?

Good action scene, clear, direct and concise, well done.

However, a torniquet, cauterizing and some stitches (do you need stitches once you've cauterized?) won't do when you've just lost a limb. Assuming Kradoks don't have near supernatural vitality, then either Toache has some healing powers or we have a dead Kradok from massive blood loss and shock before he's even sewed up.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Hi,

I enjoyed this too, and like the previous posters, I also enjoyed the mercy that is showed to the Kradok. It has some clear images and is nice and pacey.

Some things:-

Kradok

1. I'm not sure if hairy is needed to describe an apelike creature. Would it’s apelike appearance suggest hair anyway?
2. Does Kradok need to be capitalised if it is just a species name?
3. This is probably preference (and I may be wrong) but I think ‘Kradok lurched bellowing into the clearing’ seems a little awkward to me. Could you not have ‘and a Kradok lurched into the clearing, bellowing.’ ? However, you could leave bellowing out altogether as you have used it a few times thereafter.
4. The POV jump is a bit jarring – perhaps not in a longer excerpt but as this action scene is so sharp and pacey, it stands out a lot.

Toache

1. I liked the comparison of Toache’s eyelids to heavy nutshells and pictured walnuts. This suggests age or wrinkles. Is that the case?
2. I think I understand the ‘strength – only the now’ bit, (as in, be strong, only the present matters) but as Victoria said, it could confuse some.
3. ‘Toache’s roaring mixed with the bellowing of the Kradok as he struggled to pin the powerful creature down with his own considerable weight’. I think this could be written so it is easier to read right the first time – I only say that because I had to read it a couple of times to get the sense of it. Possibly change roaring to roar.

Not much to suggest really; it’s a good, clear and visual passage which I liked.

pH

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Background: Sorac (the shepherd) Toache (the big dumb boatmaker) and Tyl (the woman) are cut-off in the jungle, on the muddy edge of a slow, green river, inhabited by all sorts of dangerous creatures. They've spent the last two days trying to make a raft to cross the river. The night is humid, sweaty, hot, it's been raining steadily for days, and they're already past exhaustion. Tyl, after all day trying, has at last managed to get a fire going inside a smoky, makeshift tent. Lighting a fire inside a tent is a really bad idea, as some patients at hospital burns units will tell you Most readers would expect the fire to be lit outside the tent. Unless it's essential to your plot, I suggest you fulfill their expectations. Sorac and Tyl have passed-out heavily asleep inside the leaking fire-tent, and so Toache has to stand guard...



Toache ducked out of the tent into the rain. Though he was exhausted and his eyelids felt like heavy nutshells, he knew he must stay awake to face the unseen danger. He hoped the rain would keep him awake for a few hours, after which he would wake the shepherd to take over guard duty for a shift. I am alone, he thought: Strength -- only the now.

He filled a mug with water and rinsed out his mouth with it. He took a piece of charcoal from the edge of the fire and crumbled it. He mixed the charcoal with a little salt and then with a thick finger began rubbing the mixture against his few remaining teeth to clean them. He was beginning to realize that they were valuable to him.

At that moment came a crash of breaking branches from the darkness, and a Kradok lurched bellowing into the clearing.

The shepherd was out of the tent in an instant -- and had already loosed an arrow at the throat of the hairy, apelike creature. He'd have to be an ace shot to aim at a small part of a moving creature in the dark.

But the Kradok’s hide was so tough, and its muscle so solid, that the arrow failed to penetrate. The Kradok tore the arrow out with a scream of rage, giving Toache time to dive at it and bring it down in the mud.

Toache’s roaring mixed with the bellowing of the Kradok as he struggled to pin the powerful creature down with his own considerable weight. He grabbed the hair on the back of the creature’s head and thumped its face against the ground but the mud was soft, and the Kradok threw him off like a rag.

Tyl had now emerged half asleep from the tent and was screaming.

“Get behind me!” Sorac shouted.

He loosed another arrow at the creature’s neck as it was rising to its feet. Same comment about shooting in the dark at a small moving target.

Again the arrow failed to penetrate, and again the Kradok tore the arrow out, bellowing its anger.

And again the arrow slowed it for an instant.

Desperately Toache reached for the nearest weapon he could find -- an axe -- and this time he made no mistake, cutting off the creature’s foot. Could be worth indicating why this is the easiest part of the creature to hit. Toache is lying on the ground?

Tyl was screaming, Sorac was shouting, Toache was roaring incoherently and the Kradok was bellowing and howling as it toppled over backward, spraying sheets of blood into the rain.

Toache stepped up and raised the shining axe to split its skull. But something in the creature’s eyes Isn't it dark night? made him delay the stroke. My eyebrows are always raised when I come across this notion in a book or TV drama. It just seems too politically correct. (None of the characters in a Joe Abercrombie novel would hesitate before offing the creature with extreme prejudice ) Your readers will probably appreciate it if you give your chatacters shades of grey instead of making them pure white or black.
Half animal, half man, it ceased to rage and stared up at Toache with brutish brown eyes, writhing on the ground while its red blood gouted in thick spurts from its terrible wound and churned with the mud.
The Kradok saw Toache surrounded by a golden light, and behind him Sorac and Tyl surrounded by the same light. The viewpoint has suddenly changed!

It tried to rise upon its stump, but Toache gestured with the axe: “Move not Kradok, unless it be to bow before thy master.” Not sure about the archaic dialogue, but it may work if a feature of this character is that he talks in an archaic way all the time, unlike everyone else.

The Kradok, like most wild beasts, was mostly concerned with its own stomach. Now on the precipice of death, its mind found a different concern, and in the instant before it lost consciousness it became something greater. Viewpoint has shifted to that of the Kradok! Toache let his hand fall to his side, still holding the axe.

“We must bind it securely.” He heaved for breath.

“But it wants to eat us?” Tyl objected.

“It did indeed -- but now I think it just wants to live,” Toache said.

He let the axe fall and stood panting, with his hands on his knees: “I must cauterize the wound, or it will quickly bleed to death.”

“Why?” Sorac asked him.

“I just can’t kill it,” shrugged Toache.

He applied a tourniquet before binding the unconscious Why has it become conveniently unconscious? creature, and then he expertly cauterized the bleeding stump with a hot iron and stitched You can't stitch that sort of wound unless there's a handy flap of flesh and skin to cover the end (which the surgeon would leave during an intentional amputation). the wound, after cleaning it with hot water which they'd have to boil up in a pot and smearing it with ointment.

The Kradok stirred and shifted while he performed the operation, but mercifully did not regain consciousness. i.e. they either risked not tying it up or didn't think of it.

It reads quite smoothly and clearly, and I did not spot any significant errors of grammar or construction. However I have flagged a number of points of fact (or opinion) which might cause readers to fail to believe in your story. Personally I find Toache's reaction in this excerpt implausible, as he's behaving better than 99% of the human race would when attacked by a creature like the Kradok. We're still offing each other just for belonging to the wrong tribe, and some Africans chop up chimpanzees for bush meat.

 

[RJM Corbet]

All reactions noted. In particular:

... I have a prejudice against archaic language, unless it is used very, very carefully. In this case, "thy master"...

Agreed. Consider it changed.

... The Kradokhave we switched Povs? ...

Noted. But does it really affect the flow, or muddle your understanding of the piece? That would be a problem.

If neither of the arrows penetrated why did the Kradok have to tear them out?

... However, a torniquet, cauterizing and some stitches (do you need stitches once you've cauterized?) won't do when you've just lost a limb. Assuming Kradoks don't have near supernatural vitality, then either Toache has some healing powers or we have a dead Kradok from massive blood loss and shock before he's even sewed up.

I guess, think of a troll or something: the arrow penetrates to a certain depth, enough to cause hurt but no real damage?

As to the amputation, I mean, in the old days they'd cut off your hand for stealing, stop the bleeding with a hot iron, or with tar, then send you home? Some poetic liberty allowed?

... The POV jump is a bit jarring – perhaps not in a longer excerpt but as this action scene is so sharp and pacey, it stands out a lot ...

Noted. Again. As Al Capone said: once is happenstance, twice is co-incidence, third time it's enemy action ...

... I find Toache's reaction in this excerpt implausible, as he's behaving better than 99% of the human race

...The Kradok stirred and shifted while he performed the operation, but mercifully did not regain consciousness. i.e. they either risked not tying it up or didn't think of it.

...He'd have to be an ace shot to aim at a small part of a moving creature in the dark.

Thanks Geoff. But yes, Toache is very different to most people. And 'mercifully' is for the Kradok itself, that it is unconscious through the operation. It was meant to be tied up by then.

Fires in tents: Don't Eskimoes, Indians etc, do it all the time, when it's raining outside for days?

(I'll try to forget what you said about shooting in the dark ...errr. Problem ... yeah.)

Thanks for the concentrated crit, Geoff.

It's always nice to get a reasonably positive reaction on crits.
Thank you everyone, for all your time and trouble, and compliments of the season

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Toache is very different to most people. Okay, he's your character ...
Fires in tents: Don't Eskimoes, Indians etc, do it all the time, when it's raining outside for days? No idea, ethnographic research required. Many early medieval houses had a fire in the middle of the hall, though.
I'd respectfully suggest that if you can get the fire outside, it overcomes several problems:
1) reader scepticism
2) it will affect your characters dark-adaption, so if they exit a tent with a fire in it they won't see a thing when they go outside (I didn't think of that earlier.)
3) If outside, it makes sense as a watch-fire and also helpfully illuminates your fight scene.
From a practical point of view, the fire could be partly shielded by a tree or log or whatever - it's hardly likely to start a forest fire if everything is dripping wet.

 

[RJM Corbet]

Thanks Geoff.

Well, I've posted the next bit about the Kradok anyway, just for fun, while I've still got internet.

See 'The Kradok Sleeps' ...

 

[Tyler Danann]

Background: Sorac (the shepherd) Toache (the big dumb boatmaker) and Tyl (the woman) are cut-off in the jungle, on the muddy edge of a slow, green river, inhabited by all sorts of dangerous creatures. They've spent the last two days trying to make a raft to cross the river. The night is humid, sweaty, hot, it's been raining steadily for days, and they're already past exhaustion. Tyl, after all day trying, has at last managed to get a fire going inside a smoky, makeshift tent. Sorac and Tyl have passed-out heavily asleep inside the leaking fire-tent, and so Toache has to stand guard...



Toache ducked out of the tent into the rain. Though he was exhausted and his eyelids felt like heavy nutshells, he knew he must stay awake to face the unseen danger. He hoped the rain would keep him awake for a few hours, after which he would wake the shepherd to take over guard duty for a shift. I am alone, he thought: Strength -- only the now.

No need for this.

He filled a mug with water and rinsed out his mouth with it. He took a piece of charcoal from the edge of the fire and crumbled it. He mixed the charcoal with a little salt and then with a thick finger began rubbing the mixture against his few remaining teeth to clean them. He was beginning to realize that they were valuable to him.

Overdoing it there.


At that moment came a crash of breaking branches from the darkness, and a Kradok lurched bellowing into the clearing.

The shepherd was out of the tent in an instant -- and had already loosed an arrow at the throat of the hairy, apelike creature.

What's with the '--' No need for this as it detracts the flow of the sentence.

But the Kradok’s hide was so tough, and its muscle so solid, that the arrow failed to penetrate. The Kradok tore the arrow out with a scream of rage, giving Toache time to dive at it and bring it down in the mud.

Good enough.

Toache’s roaring mixed with the bellowing of the Kradok as he struggled to pin the powerful creature down with his own considerable weight. He grabbed the hair on the back of the creature’s head and thumped its face against the ground but the mud was soft, and the Kradok threw him off like a rag.

Ok.

Tyl had now emerged half asleep from the tent and was screaming.

“Get behind me!” Sorac shouted.

He loosed another arrow at the creature’s neck as it was rising to its feet.

Again the arrow failed to penetrate, and again the Kradok tore the arrow out, bellowing its anger.

Armoured neck? Interesting monster.

And again the arrow slowed it for an instant.

Maybe no need for a separate paragraph here.

Desperately Toache reached for the nearest weapon he could find -- an axe -- and this time he made no mistake, cutting off the creature’s foot.

Somewhat overcondensed. For an action sequence you want details and movement. A-bridging it is better when there's a lot of details to be condensed, not so good with a solitary monster encounter.

Tyl was screaming, Sorac was shouting, Toache was roaring incoherently and the Kradok was bellowing and howling as it toppled over backward, spraying sheets of blood into the rain.

Toache stepped up and raised the shining axe to split its skull. But something in the creature’s eyes made him delay the stroke. Half animal, half man, it ceased to rage and stared up at Toache with brutish brown eyes, writhing on the ground while its red blood gouted in thick spurts from its terrible wound and churned with the mud.

The Kradok saw Toache surrounded by a golden light, and behind him Sorac and Tyl surrounded by the same light.

It tried to rise upon its stump, but Toache gestured with the axe: “Move not Kradok, unless it be to bow before thy master.”

Good interjection.

The Kradok, like most wild beasts, was mostly concerned with its own stomach. Now on the precipice of death, its mind found a different concern, and in the instant before it lost consciousness it became something greater. Toache let his hand fall to his side, still holding the axe.

“We must bind it securely.” He heaved for breath.

“But it wants to eat us?” Tyl objected.

“It did indeed -- but now I think it just wants to live,” Toache said.

He let the axe fall and stood panting, with his hands on his knees: “I must cauterize the wound, or it will quickly bleed to death.”

“Why?” Sorac asked him.

“I just can’t kill it,” shrugged Toache.

He applied a tourniquet before binding the unconscious creature, and then he expertly cauterized the bleeding stump with a hot iron and stitched the wound, after cleaning it with hot water and smearing it with ointment.

The Kradok stirred and shifted while he performed the operation, but mercifully did not regain consciousness.

That was ok, just needs a bit of work. Bold bits are where I've made suggestions.

 

[RJM Corbet]

That was ok, just needs a bit of work. Bold bits are where I've made suggestions.

Gotcha. Please read next post also: 'The Kradok Sleeps'