My first story part 2: The Chronicles of Sora Sanyo

[DarkYami]

So heres the second part of my first story, I'll post the third and final part ASAP but for now enjoy:



Rai and Sora headed down to a different class room and waited outside. A couple of minutes later the doors opened and student poured out of the room. Rai waved at two girls that came out of the classroom. One girl was called Kate and the other was called Risa. They walked towards Rai but neither of them had noticed Sora.

"So was he late?" asked Kate.

Before Rai could answer Sora snuck up behind both of the girls and stuck his head in-between them both.

"No I wasn't, no thanks to you two" he whispered.

This made both Kate and Risa jump up in shock.

"S..Sora we didn't see you there" said Risa.
"Hmm and you almost wouldn't of seen me at all today part from maybe when you had got home" said Sora.

"It was just a prank" explained Kate.

"Yes and what's this I hear that you bet on the outcome" said Sora.

Both Risa and Kate went white from this and started to sweat.

"You heard?" asked Risa.

Sora pointed at Rai.

"Well I may have let it slip" he said.

"Traitor" said Kate.

"Oh no this isn't just his fault, which of you two bet against me?" asked Sora.

"Oh both of them" said Rai.

"Double traitor" said Kate.

"Pay the man" said Sora.

Both Kate and Risa grumbled and took out their money and paid Rai. Rai looked rather happy at this.

"Remember you owe me some doughnuts" said Sora.

"Yeah yeah I know it was the only reason you forgave me" replied Rai.

"He forgave you?" asked both Risa and Kate.

"He knows one of my weakness" Sora said happily.

Both Risa and Kate looked at each other and smiled.

"We'll get you doughnuts too" they said.

Sora thought about this.

"Only if there full of chocolate" he said.

"Sure" they both said.

Sora smiled.

"Oh I cant stay mad at you guys" he said happily.

"I'd say that's cheating but whatever" said Rai.

The rest of the day was quite at college and by around 3pm their lessons had finished. Sora was heading towards the front gate when Rai caught up with him.

"So you heading home straight away?" asked Rai.

"No I'm going to head to the shopping market for a bit" replied Sora.

"Fair enough we will see you at home then and don't worry we will have your doughnuts" said Rai.
Sora drooled and then wiped his mouth.

"See you at home and remember sprinkles and lots of chocolate" he said.

Sora then put his helmet on and got on hi bike sped away. Sora was half way to the shopping market when he started thinking about his friends. Rai was a friend from high school, he had met him around the time he had dyed his hair blue. Rai had always said that it made him look like an anime character. Rai was a big fan on anime and manga. He had been to a few expo's as well as trying out cosplay. Rai had never said why he had why he wanted to move out of his parents house and all Sora knew about his parents was that they owned a huge software company and were always busy. Rai was always rich because of it but as he had once told Sora he never felt happy because of it.

Kate was really a friend of Rai's so he didn't know her that well. What he did know about her was that like Rai she did like anime and manga as well as cosplaying. But she was more interested in the art sense then the story. She enjoyed art quite a lot and in the future she wanted to be an artist. Sora did know that like Rai she had also gone to the same high school as him but it wasn't until he met Rai that he met her. He also knew at some point in their lives she had dated Rai once but for whatever reason they decided to go back to being friends. The reason she had decided to move into the house was because her parents had been moving around a lot and she was tired of it and they came to some arrangement to allow her to continue living here.

Risa was Sora's oldest friend, he had met her at the Orphanage. You see both Sora and Risa were orphans, Sora was in the Orphanage since he was a baby and Risa had entered at five years old. Risa's parents had died in a car crash and there was no one else to look after her. When Sora had first met her he had taken a shining to her. He tried his best to look after her whenever she felt lonely or was picked on by other kids. They had been friends during high school. When they were 15 the orphanage had burned down after someone had attacked it. It was after that they had ended up at a homeless shelter. They both got part time jobs to raise money and combined it with Rai and Kate's money to buy a house together. Since then all four of them had lived together attending the same college and working part time jobs to get by.

Sora continued on his way to the shopping market wishing he had enough money to buy a motorbike, he had always wanted one since he was a kid. Suddenly Sora found himself flying off his bike and into the air. He had no idea what had happened but he then saw his bike wheel flying in the air slightly ahead of him. Sora then hit a building wall quite hard, thankfully his helmet had taken most of the force that went with it.

 

[The Judge]

I've removed the second thread you started tonight containing Part 3. If you require critiques on that, you can post it in a few days when you have absorbed the critiques on this.

In that regard, it would have shown rather more respect for those who have helped you with Part 1 if you had listened to their comments not least concerning punctuation before submitting this piece.

 

[Brian G Turner]

DarkYami, you recently posted the first part, and people responded to it with constructive criticism. Did you apply any of that to this second piece to make it stronger?

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Regrettably, I don't think there's much to be said, other than "see comments on part 1"
Let's see some evidence of what you've learnt after posting part 1.

 

[anthorn]

What people here are saying Dark is this. They want to see that you have taken their critique on board from the first post you've made, perhaps see the same piece again with the advice taken on board, the changes made where needed, not simply posting the second and third half.

It's not bad for a first attempt. But there is too much telling and too much. Soya walked to class by putting his right foot forward and then his left, and then his right, and then his left, then his right, and his left. You can simply say. Soya walked to class with purpose, regret, remorse, etc, without describing the action right down to the smallest detail. I suggest going to the library and pick your fave author and see how they do things. It helps.

 

[RJM Corbet]

Rai and Sora headed down to a different class room and waited outside. A couple of minutes later the doors opened and students poured out of the room. Rai waved at two girls that came out of the classroom. One girl was called Kate and the other was called Risa. They walked towards Rai but neither of them had noticed Sora.

"So was he late?" asked Kate.

Before Rai could answer Sora snuck up behind both of the girls and stuck his head in-between them both.

"No I wasn't, no thanks to you two" he whispered.

This made both Kate and Risa jump up in shock.

"S..Sora we didn't see you there" said Risa.
"Hmm and you almost wouldn't of seen me at all today part from maybe when you had got home" said Sora.

"It was just a prank" explained Kate.

"Yes and what's this I hear that you bet on the outcome" said Sora.

Both Risa and Kate went white from this and started to sweat.

"You heard?" asked Risa.

Sora pointed at Rai.

"Well I may have let it slip" he said.

"Traitor," said Kate.

"Oh no this isn't just his fault, which of you two bet against me?" asked Sora.

"Oh both of them," said Rai.

"Double traitor," said Kate.

(I'm not going to carry on putting these commas in. Do it yourself ...)

"Pay the man" said Sora.

Both Kate and Risa grumbled and took out their money and paid Rai. Rai looked rather happy at this.

"Remember you owe me some doughnuts" said Sora.

"Yeah yeah, I know it was the only reason you forgave me" replied Rai.

"He forgave you?" asked both Risa and Kate.

"He knows one of my weakness" Sora said happily.

Both Risa and Kate looked at each other and smiled.

"We'll get you doughnuts too" they said.

Sora thought about this.

"Only if there they're full of chocolate" he said.

"Sure" they both said.

Sora smiled.

"Oh I cant stay mad at you guys" he said happily.

"I'd say that's cheating but whatever" said Rai.

The rest of the day was quite quiet at college and by around 3pm their lessons had finished. Sora was heading towards the front gate when Rai caught up with him.

"So you heading home straight away?" asked Rai.

"No I'm going to head to the shopping market for a bit" replied Sora.

"Fair enough we will see you at home then and don't worry we will have your doughnuts" said Rai.

Sora drooled and then wiped his mouth.

"See you at home and remember sprinkles and lots of chocolate" he said.

Sora then put his helmet on and got on hi bike and sped away. Sora was half way to the shopping market when he started thinking about his friends. Rai was a friend from high school, he had met him around the time he had dyed his hair blue. Rai had always said that it made him look like an anime character.

Rai was a big fan on anime and manga. He had been to a few expo's as well as trying out cosplay. Rai had never said why he had why he wanted to move out of his parents house and all Sora knew about his parents was that they owned a huge software company and were always busy. Rai was always rich because of it but, as he had once told Sora, he never felt happy because of it.

Kate was really a friend of Rai's so he didn't know her that well. What he did know about her was that like Rai she did like anime and manga as well as cosplaying. But she was more interested in the art sense then the story.

She enjoyed art quite a lot and in the future she wanted to be an artist. Sora had met her through did know that like Rai she who had also gone to the same high school as him but it wasn't until he met Rai that he met her. He also knew at some point in their lives she had dated Rai once but for whatever reason they decided to go back to being friends. The reason she had decided to move into the house was because her parents had been moving around a lot and she was tired of it and they came to some arrangement to allow her to continue living here.

Risa was Sora's oldest friend. He had met her at the Orphanage.

You see both Sora and Risa were orphans, Sora was had been in the Orphanage since he was a baby and Risa had entered at five years old.


Risa's parents had died in a car crash and there was no one else to look after her. When Sora had first met her he had taken a shining to her. He had tried his best to look after her whenever she felt lonely or was picked on by other kids. They had been friends during high school. When they were 15 the orphanage had burned down after someone had attacked it. It was after that they had ended up at a homeless shelter. They had both got part time jobs to raise money and combined it with Rai and Kate's money to buy a house together. Since then all four of them had lived together attending the same college and working part time jobs to get by.

Sora continued on his way to the shopping market wishing he had enough money to buy a motorbike. He had always wanted one since he was a kid. Suddenly Sora found himself flying off his bike and into the air. He had no idea what had happened but he then saw his bike wheel flying in the air slightly ahead of him. Sora then hit a building wall quite hard, thankfully his helmet had taken most of the force that went with it.


Red: add
Blue: cut

It's not bad, DarkYami. You obviously enjoy writing it. That comes across. I like how you write naturally, as if you're talking.

What I don't like is that if you were telling it to me, I would be thinking: Well? Get on with it? I don't have all day.

It's 950 words. Could you possibly reduce it to around 800 words or less somehow, then post it again (on the same thread) with proper punctuation, before posting the next section? It will read tighter and more interesting if you can cut to the chase more. See final paragraph, for how to cut words.

There's always a punctuation mark before closing a quotation, usually a comma -- unless it's a question mark or something else. I feel the long sentences need to be broken up more, with commas, and that you should use more paragraphs. But there aren't that many actual mistakes in it.

This place helps a lot, if someone seriously want to write. You couldn't have come to a better place, mate.

All the best