The Kradok Sleeps ...

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RJM Corbet

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Please read previous post 'The Kradok' first ...



The Kradok shook its head and moaned, and then it began to howl and strain against the ropes that held it.

“What is it?” Sorac asked.

“Man’s ancestor, perhaps,” Toache shrugged.

The Kradok struggled uselessly and then lay back in the mud with its head raised in agony and its suffering eyes fixed upon Toache’s face, seeing the golden aura round his head.

“I will give it a draught, to make it sleep,” Toache said.

He fetched a small flask. He poured some of the greenish liquid into a cup. He mixed it with some water and then he knelt down by the creature’s head and held the cup to its thick lips.

“You do understand me,” Toache directed his thoughts at the Kradok. “Drink. I wish you no harm. It will take away the pain.”

The Kradok obeyed him. Almost at once its straining neck muscles relaxed. Its head fell back and in a few minutes it was sleeping. Toache waited until he was sure the draught had taken effect and then he looked up.

“I have given it enough to kill two men. It will sleep for a quite a long time.”

“Make sure those ropes are strong enough,” Tyl said to Sorac.

“It knows the jungle,” Toache said. “That river is dangerous. This creature may be our best chance. Those waters are death.”

“Sleep now, Toache,” Sorac said. “I’ll stand guard for an hour or two then wake you.”

“Nay, H’zaan. I cannot sleep,” Toache replied.

The Kradok lay unconscious. Tyl made some tea and they talked for a while until at last Toache’s eyes dulled and he stumbled out to sleep in the other tent, out of the smoke. Tyl put an arm around Sorac’s waist.

“It’s securely tied and drugged,” she said. “Sleep now. I’ll wake you if it moves an inch.”

“You’re wonderful,” he said.

“Careful. I’m not.”

She sat near the fire while Sorac slept.

The forest dripped. The heavy flowing river made a sloshing sound. The night wrapped her around as she looked into the glowing coals. Her eyes moved to the Kradok: unconscious, filthy, in the mud -- and then back to Sorac.

She looked at his face in the light of the fire. He has no cunning, she thought: no guile.

The tent flap was open. She stood in the open doorway of the fire-tent and looked up into the night. The rain had eased for a while. She looked up through the dark encircling trees. Slow rain clouds opened a bright tunnel to the moon.

She thought of her father. She tried to imagine the blue world he had described. Blue? Wet leaves dripped in the jungle. The thick green river sloshed against its banks. The pale moon cast frozen light through the hole in the clouds.

+​

Sorac woke.

Tyl was sitting on the ground with her legs crossed and her hands in her lap. She was able to sit still for hours. It was something most forest people learned young. Her eyes were open. There was a stack of wood within easy reach drying by the fire. The Kradok lay outside. Rain dripped and trickled down around the tent. But they were mostly dry, in the flicker and shadow of fire’s light.

“How long did you let me sleep?” Sorac asked her.

“‘Tis now about a quarter before dawn,” she replied.

He rolled up onto an elbow. She moved to cradle his head in her lap, like a child. She stroked the hair on his forehead. He pushed aside the blanket and stood up. He stood over her and looked down into the fire. He squatted down beside her and she put her hand on his knee.

They looked at each other. One of her green eyes seemed to move like the sea; the other was hard and realistic. His brown eyes seemed to laugh. But only one eye laughed; the other was fixed and difficult. Their eyes mixed.

Outside, wet branches spattered onto vines in the dark.

Fire illumined their bodies and faces in warm shadows and valleys.

“Maybe,” she said.

“What?”

“Maybe -- I don’t know.”

He reached for her and she responded to him. They fell back down on the bed.

Later they lay covered with his blanket. She cradled her head in his arm.

“Tell me about your mother,” he said.

“She left when I was very young.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “She had to go. My father will not speak of her. But you know him. He reveals himself to no-one. He lives … somewhere … within himself.”

“What about you?”

“I don’t know? What do you mean?” she asked.

“Do you miss her?”

“I don’t know. I just remember her as pure, with shining eyes,” she said.

“What about your father then?”

“What about my father, then? His life is much too serious for love. Sometimes I wonder if others see him as some sort of fallen god.” She kissed his neck. “I don’t know, maybe you’re just like him.” She rolled her body against him. “But I do know I stand my best chance with you -- anywhere."

“You’re so certain?”

The forest knew the dawn had come, though outside their tent the trees still held a screen of night. He turned his head to make sure the Kradok was still sleeping.

“I can’t help hoping it never wakes,” she said.

“I know,” he agreed.

Just at that moment the creature moved. Tyl sprang up with a cry and got dressed. Sorac also got dressed. But the Kradok was still asleep. He put the kettle on the fire.

The whole thing suddenly seemed to her a turgid and contorted dream -- the mira bats, the spiders and the serpents and the insects, the hot, humid shadow world of jungle -- and now the Kradok. It was a trick of the elements, a deception of light and shadow, a dream from which she must soon wake. Yet there was: him.

She said, “Why is it you that has to do this?”

“I don’t know,” he said.

His ancestors stretched back more than 200 generations of Kings of Aazyr. Tyl’s Erlotian ancestry was as long, and as noble. Toache lumbered into the fire tent. Tyl passed him a steaming mug of tea. The three of them stood shoulder to shoulder around the fire, drinking tea in the early morning. Toache stepped out to examine the Kradok. He seemed satisfied with its condition.

“He will wake soon.” Toache sipped from his mug. “We’ll have to feed him, or he’s going to want to eat us again. And then we have to get him trained.”

Sorac made a deliberate effort to relax the muscles of his face: “Care to repeat that?”

“It won't take long, H’zaan. But he has to learn to trust us first.”

"He? And of course you have the menu planned?" said Sorac, with exaggerated patience.

“He's going to have to bait his own trap,” Toache replied.
 
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I really like this. It seems similar in style to Eric Flint. Strong women who fight as well as men but are soft as bedpillows when the time comes.
 
I really like this. It seems similar in style to Eric Flint. Strong women who fight as well as men but are soft as bedpillows when the time comes.

I know this stuff is not for everyone, and your positive comments have really boosted me, Joan. A lot. Thank you :)
 
The Kradok shook its head and moaned, and then it began to howl and strain against the ropes that held it.

“What is it?” Sorac asked.

“Man’s ancestor, perhaps,” Toache shrugged. Extremely minor, but Toache would be speaking this instead of shrugging it

The Kradok struggled uselessly and then lay back in the mud with its head raised in agony and its suffering eyes fixed upon Toache’s face, seeing the golden aura round his head.

“I will give it a draught, to make it sleep,” Toache said. So I know from the previous excerpt that Toache is the dumb guy, but is this outright explanation maybe too blunt?

He fetched a small flask. He poured some of the greenish liquid into a cup. He mixed it with some water and then he knelt down by the creature’s head and held the cup to its thick lips.

“You do understand me,” Toache directed his thoughts at the Kradok. “Drink. I wish you no harm. It will take away the pain.” So is Toache thinking or speaking this? The description threw me

The Kradok obeyed him. Almost at once its straining neck muscles relaxed. Its head fell back and in a few minutes it was sleeping. Toache waited until he was sure the draught had taken effect and then he looked up.

“I have given it enough to kill two men. It will sleep for a quite a long time.”

“Make sure those ropes are strong enough,” Tyl said to Sorac.

“It knows the jungle,” Toache said. “That river is dangerous. This creature may be our best chance. Those waters are death.”

“Sleep now, Toache,” Sorac said. “I’ll stand guard for an hour or two then wake you.”

“Nay, H’zaan. I cannot sleep,” Toache replied.

The Kradok lay unconscious. Tyl made some tea and they talked for a while until at last Toache’s eyes dulled and he stumbled out to sleep in the other tent, out of the smoke. Tyl put an arm around Sorac’s waist.

“It’s securely tied and drugged,” she said. “Sleep now. I’ll wake you if it moves an inch.”

“You’re wonderful,” he said.

“Careful. I’m not.”

She sat near the fire while Sorac slept.

The forest dripped. Simple and punchy. These are the kind of sentences that I as a reader really enjoy. The heavy flowing river made a sloshing sound. The night wrapped her around as she looked into the glowing coals. Her eyes moved to the Kradok: unconscious, filthy, in the mud -- and then back to Sorac.

She looked at his face in the light of the fire. He has no cunning, she thought: no guile.

The tent flap was open. She stood in the open doorway of the fire-tent and looked up into the night. The rain had eased for a while. She looked up through the dark encircling trees. Slow rain clouds opened a bright tunnel to the moon.

She thought of her father. She tried to imagine the blue world he had described. Blue? Wet leaves dripped in the jungle. The thick green river sloshed against its banks. The pale moon cast frozen light through the hole in the clouds. Nice use of color here.

+​

Sorac woke.

Tyl was sitting on the ground with her legs crossed and her hands in her lap. She was able to sit still for hours. It was something most forest people learned young. Again, is this perhaps too blunt? Could it maybe be explained with an indirect anecdote? Her eyes were open. There was a stack of wood within easy reach drying by the fire. The Kradok lay outside. Rain dripped and trickled down around the tent. But they were mostly dry, in the flicker and shadow of fire’s light.

“How long did you let me sleep?” Sorac asked her.

“‘Tis now about a quarter before dawn,” she replied.

He rolled up onto an elbow. She moved to cradle his head in her lap, like a child. She stroked the hair on his forehead. He pushed aside the blanket and stood up. He stood over her and looked down into the fire. He squatted down beside her and she put her hand on his knee.

They looked at each other. One of her green eyes seemed to move like the sea; the other was hard and realistic. Not sure if I understand this comparison. His brown eyes seemed to laugh. But only one eye laughed; the other was fixed and difficult. Their eyes mixed.

Outside, wet branches spattered onto vines in the dark.

Fire illumined their bodies and faces in warm shadows and valleys.

“Maybe,” she said.

“What?”

“Maybe -- I don’t know.” I like this exchange quite a bit. Very natural sounding.

He reached for her and she responded to him. They fell back down on the bed.

Later they lay covered with his blanket. She cradled her head in his arm. Nice subtle touch here.

“Tell me about your mother,” he said.

“She left when I was very young.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “She had to go. My father will not speak of her. But you know him. He reveals himself to no-one. He lives … somewhere … within himself.”

“What about you?”

“I don’t know? What do you mean?” she asked.

“Do you miss her?”

“I don’t know. I just remember her as pure, with shining eyes,” she said.

“What about your father then?”

“What about my father, then? His life is much too serious for love. Sometimes I wonder if others see him as some sort of fallen god.” She kissed his neck. “I don’t know, maybe you’re just like him.” She rolled her body against him. “But I do know I stand my best chance with you -- anywhere." Her last remark threw me a little. I'm not sure what it means.

“You’re so certain?”

The forest knew the dawn had come, though outside their tent the trees still held a screen of night. He turned his head to make sure the Kradok was still sleeping.

“I can’t help hoping it never wakes,” she said.

“I know,” he agreed.

Just at that moment the creature moved. Tyl sprang up with a cry and got dressed. Sorac also got dressed. The two instances of "got dressed" create an odd rhythm. Suggest replacing the second with just "Sorac did the same" or something. But the Kradok was still asleep. He put the kettle on the fire.

The whole thing suddenly seemed to her a turgid and contorted dream -- the mira bats, the spiders and the serpents and the insects, the hot, humid shadow world of jungle -- and now the Kradok. It was a trick of the elements, a deception of light and shadow, a dream from which she must soon wake. Yet there was: him.

She said, “Why is it you that has to do this?”

“I don’t know,” he said.

His ancestors stretched back more than 200 generations of Kings of Aazyr. Tyl’s Erlotian ancestry was as long, and as noble. I'm positive that there is some kind of context to these places and peoples, but this seems like an odd place for it since it doesn't seem connect to the surrounding narrative (but then again, I can only go off of what's here) Toache lumbered into the fire tent. Tyl passed him a steaming mug of tea. The three of them stood shoulder to shoulder around the fire, drinking tea in the early morning. Toache stepped out to examine the Kradok. He seemed satisfied with its condition.

“He will wake soon.” Toache sipped from his mug. “We’ll have to feed him, or he’s going to want to eat us again. And then we have to get him trained.”

Sorac made a deliberate effort to relax the muscles of his face: “Care to repeat that?” Not sure if the colon is needed here. A period should do just fine.

“It won't take long, H’zaan. But he has to learn to trust us first.”

"He? And of course you have the menu planned?" said Sorac, with exaggerated patience.

“He's going to have to bait his own trap,” Toache replied.


I like the atmosphere you've made here, very vivid with the forest description, wildlife, and colors. The dialogue seems a little inconsistent in spots: somewhat modern in some places but then thee, thou, and thine archaism in others. A little jarring, but not unreadable by any stretch.

I also like your writing style: longer descriptive sentences punctuated with brief sentences to cap off the mood.
 
I like the atmosphere you've made here, very vivid with the forest description, wildlife, and colors. The dialogue seems a little inconsistent in spots: somewhat modern in some places but then thee, thou, and thine archaism in others. A little jarring, but not unreadable by any stretch.

I also like your writing style: longer descriptive sentences punctuated with brief sentences to cap off the mood.

Comments noted, Eric.

I like it. Its descripitive and flows at the same time. Easier said than done in most cases. Kudos.

Thanks a lot, guys. I really didn't know what sort of reaction this was going to get. It could just have easily gone the other way. Boosts me. Definitely will compensate for any bad ones yet to come. :( Thanks again ...
 
I am in the same boat as you RJM. Everyone who has read part of my WIP really likes it but then again the majority of them are friends of mine and I worry if they are telling me its good just to keep from hurting my feelings. Thats why I am hesitant to put it on here because I don't want it to bomb when it gets critiqued on this forum.
 
I am in the same boat as you RJM. Everyone who has read part of my WIP really likes it but then again the majority of them are friends of mine and I worry if they are telling me its good just to keep from hurting my feelings. Thats why I am hesitant to put it on here because I don't want it to bomb when it gets critiqued on this forum.

Depends what you want from your writing. In my experience, friends and relatives don't give us the same level of impartial feedback, and despite largely positive reviews by same my first crits largely bombed on here. But from the bombing, I improved. In fact, only from the bombing do we improve.

Please read previous post 'The Kradok' first ...

That said... :) Much to like in here, I thought, but I had a few its and bits, most of which were nits. Hope it's helpful. :)



The Kradok struggled uselessly and then lay back in the mud with its head raised in agony and its suffering eyes fixed upon Toache’s face, seeing the golden aura round his head. - head hop?

“I will give it a draught, to make it sleep,” Toache said.

He fetched a small flask. He poured some of the greenish liquid into a cup. He mixed it with some water and then he knelt down by the creature’s head and held the cup to its thick lips. Lots of hes in this paragraph, I think you could lose the second one by doing "and poured..." Also I'd drop the and "Then he" before knelt, which I thought slowed it a little. The down also seemed to slow it. So:

He fetched a small flask and poured some of the greenish liquid into a cup. He mixed it with some water and knelt by the creature's head. He held the cup to its thick lips.

“You do understand me,”I don't think this is a speech tag, surely the direction of his thoughts is an action? I wonder what others think? Toache directed his thoughts at the Kradok. “Drink. I wish you no harm. It will take away the pain.”

The Kradok obeyed him. Almost at once its straining neck muscles relaxed. Its head fell back and in a few minutes it was sleeping. Toache waited until he was sure the draught had taken effect and then he - drop looked up.

“I have given it enough to kill two men. It will sleep for a quite a long time.”

“Make sure those ropes are strong enough,” Tyl said to Sorac.

“It knows the jungle,” Toache said. “That river is dangerous. This creature may be our best chance. Those waters are death.”I think one or other is enough.

“Sleep now, Toache,” Sorac said. “I’ll stand guard for an hour or two then wake you.”

“Nay, H’zaan. I cannot sleep,” Toache replied.

The Kradok lay unconscious. Tyl made some tea and they talked for a while until at last Toache’s eyes dulled and he stumbled out to sleep in the other tent, out of the smoke. Tyl put an arm around Sorac’s waist. Maybe make the second out an away?

“It’s securely tied and drugged,” she said. “Sleep now. I’ll wake you if it moves an inch.”

“You’re wonderful,” he said.

“Careful. I’m not.”

She sat near the fire while Sorac slept.

The forest dripped. The heavy flowing river made a sloshing sound. The night wrapped her around as she looked into the glowing coals. Her eyes moved to the Kradok: unconscious, filthy, in the mud -- and then back to Sorac. nice paragraph.

She looked at his face in the light of the fire. He has no cunning, she thought: no guile.

The tent flap was open. She stood in the open doorway of the fire-tent and looked up into the night. The rain had eased for a while. She looked up through the dark encircling trees. Slow rain clouds opened a bright tunnel to the moon.

She thought of her father.why? I would have liked a connection for the thoughts to shift. Might her dad had once called it a tunnel to the moon or something? Otherwise it smacks of the author wanting to tell me something. She tried to imagine the blue world he had described. Blue? Wet leaves dripped in the jungle. The thickIn what way thick? Wide or is the water viscous. If so I'm not sure sloshed goes with that image. green river sloshed against its banks. The pale moon cast frozen light through the hole in the clouds. - your last mention of it was so vivid, it makes this rather mudane. I think I'd drop it.


+​


Sorac woke.

Tyl was sitting on the ground with her legs crossed and her hands in her lap. She was able to sit still for hours. It was something most forest people learned young. Her eyes were open. There was a stack of wood within easy reach drying by the fire. The Kradok lay outside. Rain dripped and trickled down around the tent. But they were mostly dry, in the flicker and shadow of fire’s light.Nice, but all the sentences are choppy and I get the feeling he's kind of half asleep, just awake, so the odd longer one might give that dreamy state?

“How long did you let me sleep?” Sorac asked her. drop, she's the only one here.

“‘Tis now about a quarter before dawn,” she replied.

He rolled up onto an elbow. She moved to cradle his head in her lap, like a child. She stroked the hair on his forehead. He pushed aside the blanket and stood up. He stood over her and looked down into the fire. He squatted down beside her and she put her hand on his knee. I'd drop the second down as the squatting action gives us the placement.

They looked at each other. One of her green eyes seemed to move like the sea; the other was hard and realistic. His brown eyes seemed to laugh. But only one eye laughed; the other was fixed and difficult. - head hop, how can he see his own eyes? Their eyes mixed. This doesn't work for me, sorry. It just sounds messy. :eek:

Outside, wet branches spattered onto vines in the dark.

Fire illumined their bodies and faces in warm shadows and valleys. nice

“Maybe,” she said.

“What?”

“Maybe -- I don’t know.”

He reached for her and she responded to him - drop, there is no one else to respond to?. They fell back down on the bed. down - drop, if they fall back they will always go down? I think in general you have a few places where you do this, and it might be stronger without? Just a thought.

Later they lay covered with his blanket. She cradled her head in his arm - she does a lot of cradling which is nice, but none of this suggests passion, yet they're having it in a communal tent in front of a sleeping monster that they're worried might break its bonds, which sort of does. .

“Tell me about your mother,” he said.

“She left when I was very young.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “She had to go. My father will not speak of her. But you know him. He reveals himself to no-one. He lives … somewhere … within himself.”

“What about you?”

“I don’t know? What do you mean?” she asked.

“Do you miss her?”

“I don’t know. I just remember her as pure, with shining eyes,” she said.

“What about your father then?”

“What about my father, then? His life is much too serious for love. Sometimes I wonder if others see him as some sort of fallen god.” She kissed his neck. “I don’t know, maybe you’re just like him.” She rolled her body against him. “But I do know I stand my best chance with you -- anywhere."I liked the conversation about the father, didn't so much like the bits about her mother, which seemed to go nowhere, and were probably there just to give info. She didn't give us anything of her feelings, that might be why. A dashed look away, picking something up and fiddling with it? An action might tell us a lot here.

“You’re so certain?”

The forest knew the dawn had comenice, but how? Birdsong? , though outside their tent the trees still held a screen of night. He turned his head to make sure the Kradok was still sleeping.

“I can’t help hoping it never wakes,” she said.

“I know,” he agreed.

Just at that moment the creature moved. Tyl sprang up with a cry and got dressed. Sorac also got dressed. But the Kradok was still asleep. Hesounds like the Kradok put the kettle on the fire.

The whole thing suddenly seemed to herwe've switched povs to her now. I don't mind it, btw, but it does seem to be written in close third, and it isn't the norm, so it stands out. a turgid and contorted dream -- the mira bats, the spiders and the serpents and the insects, the hot, humid shadow world of jungle -- and now the Kradok. It was a trick of the elements, a deception of light and shadow, a dream from which she must soon wake. Yet there was:why the colon? him.

She said, “Why is it you that has to do this?”

“I don’t know,” he said. - drop? there is no one else there?

His ancestors stretched back more than 200 generations of Kings of Aazyr. Tyl’s Erlotian ancestry was as long, and as noble. - sorry, what's the relevance of this thought? Is it a thought, or just information? It jarred a little. Toache lumbered into the fire tent.and? to make it less choppy? Tyl passed him a steaming mug of tea. The three of them stood shoulder to shoulder around the fire, drinking tea in the early morning. Toache stepped out to examine the Kradok. He seemed satisfied with its condition.

“He will wake soon.” Toache sipped from his mug. “We’ll have to feed him, or he’s going to want to eat us again. And then we have to get him trained.”

Sorac made a deliberate effort to relax the muscles of his face:full stop, I think. Brian had a thread on this, recently, and I think the concensus was that in this sort of instance it should be a full stop. “Care to repeat that?”

“It won't take long, H’zaan. But he has to learn to trust us first.”

"He? And of course you have the menu planned?" said Sorac, with exaggerated patience.

“He's going to have to bait his own trap,” Toache replied.

Nice end. Sorry if I've seemed superpicky, but it was good and I thought these little things were getting in the way of it being very good, if that makes sense? The pov shifts are definitely there, and I'm not sure if you want them to be or not. They're quite smooth when they happen in general ie I can tell whose thoughts I've switched to.
 
Nice end. Sorry if I've seemed superpicky, but it was good and I thought these little things were getting in the way of it being very good, if that makes sense? The pov shifts are definitely there, and I'm not sure if you want them to be or not. They're quite smooth when they happen in general ie I can tell whose thoughts I've switched to.

Thanks Springs, as always. All points noted and meditated upon ...

I am in the same boat as you RJM. Everyone who has read part of my WIP really likes it but then again the majority of them are friends of mine and I worry if they are telling me its good just to keep from hurting my feelings. Thats why I am hesitant to put it on here because I don't want it to bomb when it gets critiqued on this forum.

No false comfort is given in crits. It's the arena, really.

(Ask me ... I know :eek:)

But, if people here tell you it's ok, then you will know it probably really is.

Good luck, Reivax.
 
This is quite good. I do have some quibbles.

The point of view shifts too often for me. I tended to get lost.

I would avoid "tis" and just says "it's."

I found the paragraph about their eyes -- each one seems to be doing something quite different from the others -- to be unintentionally funny. Their eyes mixed? Watch out for a reader taking this literally! (It's the old "her eyes raced across the room" when you mean "she looked across the room" problem -- the image you create might provoke laughter when you don't want to.)

I found the two lines about their ancestry to be out of place.
 
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