Formatting Question/Statements

[monsterchic]

This is from a piece I'm working on, and I can't figure out how exactly to format it and which words to use. A boy is finding out his adopted father killed his parents, and that he's been mind wiped. Father's asking if he's had dreams of the killings, and this is what follows.

"My parents must have seen it in my eyes, because my father said, "You have, haven't you." It wasn't an accusation, but it was said with force.

I don't want to use "it was said with force" because I use the same phrase a few paragraphs before. The statement is said kind of flatly, like a question with no emotion behind it.

Help, please?

 

[Dozmonic]

Trying to convey understand and emotion in an emotionless manner is never easy There's a few ways you could achieve the effect. In a movie, there would be a long deliberate pause, a knowing smile or nod, some kind of gesture along those lines.

My parents must have seen it in my eyes, because my father said, "You have, haven't you?"
I didn't reply.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

My father gave me a probing look, and his eyes narrowed. "You have, haven't you."

I looked away.

.......

 

[allmywires]

How I'd do it:

"You have, haven't you." It wasn't an accusation, but the words still stuck in my mind, like an ice pick.

 

[Warren_Paul]

"My parents must have seen it in my eyes, because my father said, "You have, haven't you." It wasn't an accusation, but it was said with force.

Replacing it with an action like the suggestions you have been given is good. To leave it like this is actually telling. We should be able to get the meaning behind it from the quoted dialogue and reactions without it having to be explained that he wasn't accusing him.

 

[Zedition]

It all depends on the tone your conversation is supposed to have and your style of course.

Curt and angry:
Reading it in my eyes, he spat, “You have, haven’t you”.

Forlorn and lost:
Reading it in my eyes, with pity he sighed, “You have, haven’t you”.

Cold and verbose:
His flat grey eyes stared into mine. The knowledge sparked there, leaving his heart frozen with fear. In a voice frosted with the cold toneless rime of a winter’s morning, he cast me out. “You have, haven’t you”, was all he said.

 

[Abernovo]

Would something like this work?

"You have, haven't you." It was a statement, not an accusation.

Keeping it simple might make it flatter, keep the emotion out.

 

[Bowler1]

"My parents must have seen it in my eyes, because my father said, "You have, haven't you." It wasn't an accusation, but it was said with force.

"My parents must have seen it in my eyes, because my father said, "You have, haven't you." It wasn't an accusation, but his eyes said different...

My version, is playing on the looks father and son would have been exchanging. Use that great imagination of yours and picture yourself as the character, actions will come easy then. In this case, I see them close together, with eye contact going on.

WP is right, 'but it was said with force' was telling. I can live with some telling here and there, but in general use with caution.

 

[monsterchic]

Wow, thanks guys! I think maybe I need to take a little break my mind isn't working too well at the present

 

[Bowler1]

Wow, thanks guys! I think maybe I need to take a little break my mind isn't working too well at the present

The gray matter looks to be working just fine that I can see. For what it's worth, I say keep at it. Good days, bad days, keep going. If the muse is not stalking you then edit. You asked a good question, about a good line.