UPDATED - Garos Introduction - 375 Words

[Gumboot]

I've revisited this piece, with much of the feedback in mind. It's quite considerably changed though, so I wanted some feedback on the new version.

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Dawn kissed the sky. In the cold light, a damaged daisy trembled on a broken stem. Drops of water fell to earth, scattering in the grass. The daisy clung valiantly to its berth as sporadic droplets pelted it. For a time, it endured, but as the rain increased the tiny flower was pummelled into the ground. The last remnants of its stem failed, and it was taken by a rivulet of water. It was carried through long grass, twisting this way and that, while from above the rain continued its relentless attack. The rivulet joined others, streaming down a slope, until the flower was rudely deposited in a small, fast-flowing brook. The daisy tumbled down through a rocky defile. It was thrown about before coming to a sudden halt, petals plastered against a river stone. For a moment the brook and the stone fought for possession of the hapless plant. With a sudden rush the flower was wrenched away to continue its journey.

The rain fell away to a light shower, then ceased completely. The brook became a creek, then a stream, then finally a broad, slow-moving river. The current slowed, and the sad, battered flower drifted listlessly on the surface. Open fields of grass drifted by, backed by dark woods.

Ahead, an expansive sea lay grey and uninviting in the flat light. The daisy was carried towards it with the inevitability of time itself. Then its path was altered, abruptly, by a tanned and creased hand. Calloused fingers plucked it from the current and raised it into the sky.

Garos gazed at the flower with troubled silver eyes before looking out to sea. To either side the coast stretched outwards into a sweeping bay. Its shores were beaches of white sand between forested headlands. As he watched, the morning sun broke free of cloud and the water came alight, glittering like silver. Its depths were cobalt and emerald. Gulls cried overhead as they made their way out to sea. The air was crisp and briny. Behind the dunes swept fertile plains fit for farming and dense woods rich in game and strong timber. The land was ripe with possibility. A good place to live.

It was as good a place as any to die.

*
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[Jo Zebedee]

I seem to remember I quite enjoyed this the last time. It reminds me of a scene from Zelda where Link runs alongside a river. It's nice and crisp, good visuals. I was crying for the last line to be linked more smoothly to the one before, as it stands it was a statement for effect and lacked the pathos it might have had if linked. Some will like the RPG nature of it, some won't, I'd be on the fence: I don't mind it, but I can't ever see me wanting to read a book that read like an RPG. But it's well written, nice visuals, and if that's the style of the book, a good introduction.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I'm kind of conflicted on this one - on the one hand, it's nicely written prose; on the other, I'm looking for a POV to grab onto.

However, it does remind me of Guy Gavriel Kay, which can't be a bad thing.

 

[HareBrain]

On the last line, I think it would fit better with the previous one by removing "It was".

As to the whole thing, I can't remember what I said on the previous version, but I don't think it works for me. It feels too much like a literary translation of a cinematic device -- and one that I think only works in a visual medium. You have three paragraphs of description that not only doesn't involve any character, but cannot even be from the point of view of any character. As far as the experience of the characters in the novel go, it's redundant. (That's not to say it isn't well-written.)

I'll be interested to see what others think, but for me, I'd rather get straight into Garos's head.

 

[Mischov]

A good place to live.

It was as good a place as any to die.

A good place to live.

A good place to die.

 

[Hex]

Hi Gumboot,

You can clearly write well.

This opening seems to me to over-emphasise the emotion -- you spend a lot of time on the fragile form of the daisy, being borne away on the current and, for me, you overdo it.

Also, I'm not really a fan of openers without people. I like the sound of Garos. If I hadn't been reading for critiquing I would have skipped most of the daisy and the landscape stuff.

I'm sorry if this sounds negative. You write well and you have an excellent eye, and I'd be doing you no favours if I pretended I liked this opener.

 

[SciFrac]

This breaks a lot of rules we're all supposed to follow, but for some reason I like it. The personification of the flower is nicely written, and I really enjoyed that more when I considered it an allegory for the book. Is that what you did? I realize this technique will split a lot of critters, and I can't vouch for any commercial success.

I enjoyed the focus shift too, not sure if many people will. Once you shift though, don't go back to description. I lost me after "As he watched..."

And I prefer Mischov's last line revision.

 

[prizzley]

I'm kind of conflicted on this one - on the one hand, it's nicely written prose; on the other, I'm looking for a POV to grab onto.

This opening seems to me to over-emphasise the emotion -- you spend a lot of time on the fragile form of the daisy, being borne away on the current and, for me, you overdo it.

Also, I'm not really a fan of openers without people. I like the sound of Garos. If I hadn't been reading for critiquing I would have skipped most of the daisy and the landscape stuff.

Yes. Though I was intially rooting for the daisy until I realised it wasn't the main character.

A good place to live.

A good place to die.

Yes. That works better for me.

 

[JoanDrake]

I like it just like you have it, last line included especially. You DON'T want the rhythm of that last line to match the line just above it IMO. There's a place for poetry and this is not it.

The first three paras aren't character-driven, that's true, but they establish a sort of mood. This mood increases the impact of the last line by the contrast it creates. The last line is a good hook but might be seen as a cliche if not for this contrast.

At least that was the feeling it gave me.

 

[Warren_Paul]

I think I'd be rather happy with this, Gumboot. Good to see you making improvements on it, but I wondered when reading it, where the focus on the brittle nature of life had gone? In the original version it was clear the point of the daisy being in the scene was to show how harsh and unforgiving life could be, but that didn't seem apparent here.

EDIT: I Figured out why. You cut out the 'life is so fragile' dialogue that had such an effect on the meaning of the original scene. And reading back over comments I guess I was one of the few who actually liked the dialogue. I thought the thoughts it provoked were quite powerful and engaging.

I didn't mind the shift in PoV, and think if you are going to do it, then this is the way to do so. This is something that is done in the first chapter of every Wheel of Time book. It starts of with a wind as the PoV and shows us bits and pieces of the world until it at last finds the real PoV character and settles into their head. The daisy here is the same thing. It running down the river is making a statement to us before leading into the real PoV.

I agree with JoanDrake. I wouldn't want the last line to match the previous one - it wouldn't sound right to me, as if trying to rhyme.

 

[Gumboot]

I think I'd be rather happy with this, Gumboot. Good to see you making improvements on it, but I wondered when reading it, where the focus on the brittle nature of life had gone? In the original version it was clear the point of the daisy being in the scene was to show how harsh and unforgiving life could be, but that didn't seem apparent here.

EDIT: I Figured out why. You cut out the 'life is so fragile' dialogue that had such an effect on the meaning of the original scene. And reading back over comments I guess I was one of the few who actually liked the dialogue. I thought the thoughts it provoked were quite powerful and engaging.

I didn't mind the shift in PoV, and think if you are going to do it, then this is the way to do so. This is something that is done in the first chapter of every Wheel of Time book. It starts of with a wind as the PoV and shows us bits and pieces of the world until it at last finds the real PoV character and settles into their head. The daisy here is the same thing. It running down the river is making a statement to us before leading into the real PoV.

I agree with JoanDrake. I wouldn't want the last line to match the previous one - it wouldn't sound right to me, as if trying to rhyme.

Have no fear, the "life is so fragile" line is still in (I appreciated the concerns about it being a bit melodramatic, but I think once you learn what the situation is, you can forgive Garos for being a bit emotional ).

However I now think of that line as the beginning of the next segment, which goes into Garos' conversation with a companion, and his reflection on their circumstances (why it is they're about to die, and who exactly is about to die, and how). Since I was wanting to focus on the opening, I decided "It was as good a place as any to die" was the right place to "end" the sample.

 

[kromanjon]

I don't want to be too harsh since I'm new on these forums but for me this is way to slow. It's well written and all but it's four paragraphs of nature footage before we get to the real hook.

With that said though I think most wouldn't mind such a slow opening if this was novel-length (is it?). I'm just used to writing and reading short stories so I might have a bit of a short attention span right now.

But if the story started something like:

This was as good a place as any to die.

Garos gaze traveled across the dawn kissed sky...

I might not mind all the scenery after since I now knew all this beauty was in contrast to death.

 

[Erin99]

Hi, Gumboot!

I'm one of those who love well-done, sweeping narratives at the start of books and chapters, and I loved it (I've done one myself in one of my chapters, as a tribute to the beautiful openings in the Wheel of Time, and yours reminded me of WoT). However, you could certainly cut some parts and tighten up the prose so every line is vital and every noun and verb is strong to paint a picture. Too much detail, and generic detail, and your readers skip. Removing some will help you set the mood (beautiful mood it is!) while still being short enough to engage readers who prefer action.

In my opinion, you also need to remove the second and third paragraphs. Even my attention wandered there, because you'd gone past beautiful and into the realms of "too much detail". If, as I say, you can condense what you've got into one concise paragraph, your opening will be wonderful.


I love the feel of the opening, though, and you've captured the very magical, sad journey of the flower, by the way you write. I like the juxtaposition of the delicate flower and the man, too, and the similarities in the way both seem(ed) destined to die (even though Garos probably won't). I would have preferred a different flower, if I may be so honest, because I felt it would add symbolism (and heighten the juxtaposition!) to the piece if it was a great white rose or something, rather than a weed. Unless you've chosen a weed because it IS symbolic - of your character, who's maybe downtrodden and unliked? Perhaps personifying the flower would help add something to the para as well, to bring in emotion and gentleness?

Deffo agree about the "A good place to live. A good place to die" - much prefer that.

I had a go at tightening the opening three paras, cos it was fun, if you don't mind (and I know there's passive in the 3rd sentence; I think it fits better and gives an old-world feel rather than using active... but others may disagree). It could use further tightening and de-clunkifying, but here goes:


In the cold dawn light, a daisy trembled on a broken stem. She clung valiantly through storm and wind alike, but her endurance waned. Torrents pummelled her to the mud, where she broke free and was borne by rivulets past sweeping grasslands, before a fast-flowing brook snagged her. Pebbles battered, rain battered, then she tumbled down a rocky defile and wrestled the current until she collapsed on a stone. There, she wavered, tugged by stone and water. With a sudden rush, she was swept away to continue her journey. Rain softened, calmed. She drifted on a river, beside pastures that held back twisted woods.

Time carried her towards a vast grey sea, where raging waves would tear her apart.

Garos scooped her up and raised her to the sky. His gaze followed the river out to sea, where white sands mirrored the arching bay. Blah blah... (don't be too wordy here, either, because you've already had a long descriptive passage at the start, so now we want action.)

 

[stephen.samuels]

I'm kind of conflicted on this one - on the one hand, it's nicely written prose; on the other, I'm looking for a POV to grab onto.

However, it does remind me of Guy Gavriel Kay, which can't be a bad thing.

I'm in agreement with Brian on this one, I love your prose, but I feel it lacks POV and some sense of conflict before the last line.

I've been caught by this pitfall myself, and I think the recipe is something like this:

Character conflict + Setting = strong hook.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

It's not bad, but for an opening that relies on description rather than character interest or conflict to hook the reader to work, the prose needs to be first-rate, and I'm not sure that this is.
[The preface to China Mieville's 'The Scar' is basically a lot of description, but it has a kind of dynamism that should convince the reader that the rest of the book will be really good ]
Ultimately, there's nothing very exotic or exciting about a daisy floating downstream. A more conventional opening could be a less risky option.