Old Galt stood over six feet tall with beaming
[? do you mean as in a beaming smile? Or light beams shone from them? As a piece of imagery it isn't quite working for me, perhaps because it's not been thought through sufficiently?] hazel-green eyes. A man born with the sign of the fiery pioneer in him but one who had been on the verge of melancholy.
[though the first half is intriguing, I'm not at all sure what it means]
This day
, though
, did not see him take up his usual despondent manner
[does one really "take up" a manner?] in the ramparts of Gelstown. Instead, as evening moved to night-time
, he had the people loyal to him and his cause gather round. They were like children to him in some ways
, and he the aloof father, but he loved them nonetheless for their faults.
[as Brian says, this is something of a cliche] Now
, though
, [repetition of "though" is ungainly] like a
shep
herd guiding his flock
, he laid out his plan,
[the comma here is wrong -- it isn't strong enough to link the two parts of the sentence. I'd suggest either a semi-colon, a full stop (period) or a "but" linking the two clauses] just before he did so
, [he started] [I imagine this is simply faulty proof-reading but if it's meant to be there, I'm not sure what is intended] he recalled what had brought them to stage a breakout from the 'prison' of Gelstown.
For too long now the place
["place" is rather a vague word. Is it town, a city, a part of a city, a castle, what?] of Gelstown had changed,
[um... I understand what you mean, but the sentence itself doesn't make sense -- "had changed" is a completed action, but the "for too long now" represents a continuing one, and the two are incompatible. I'd suggest eg "The city of Gelstown had changed" which is a lot more direct and to the point. Also the comma is again wrong -- again, you need to link the two clauses with a semi-colon or conjunction] not a change for the better.
[this clause can only work if the noun "change" was used in the first part of the sentence eg "... had undergone change". As it was a verb there, you need another verb here eg "and it hadn't been a change for the better"] It had gone from comfortable confines, to smothering regulations and finally to a
[walled-] prison.
[unless the walls have physically grown in the time, I'd suggest dropping mention of them in that way. In any event, the hyphen isn't right in this context. The repetition of "prison" in the two paragraphs is also clumsy -- I'd suggest you find a synonym for one of them]
At first the town’s leader, Ferdez
, had been accepting and friendly, especially appreciating the supplies and skills the newcomers had
[since you slip from past perfect into simple past hereafter, I'd probably dump this "had" as well] brought with them. In turn the newcomers found the sanctuary,
[when you say "the sanctuary", is this a separate part of the town? If not, if you just mean the sanctuary is the town itself, then I'd suggest "its"] with its walled perimeter and
its [necessary, otherwise the adjective "walled" might be thought to apply to the ditches as well] ditches
, ample
[surely more than simply "ample"??] defense against the nomadic raider bands who still preyed on folk.
["folk" seems a rather underwhelming word here]
For Galt and his followers the first three months were as much a relief as they were exciting. For
[um... I really think you've got that sentence the wrong way round, since we can expect them to feel relief, not to feel excitement, necessarily. In any event, its order and the use of "for" means you should now go on to explain why they experience "relief". I'm not clear from what follows whether you are therefore suggesting they were, for instance, close to starvation and therefore the food is a relief (not likely with the "supplies" they brought with them, I'd have thought) or whether in fact you mean that these items make life exciting for them, and you need to change the word order in that first sentence] the items
[very vague -- what are you talking about here?] that had seemed as much
[repetition of "as much" a bit ungainly] elusive as they had been a luxury
[um... a clause that actually doesn't make any sense -- if things are elusive, ie can't be found, they are going to be a luxury so the apparent dichotomy of "seemed as much" is wrong] were now much
[a third "much" is too much 
] closer to hand and obtainable.
Three times a band of tenacious raiders struck Gelstown. Three times they were repelled. The last time with heavy losses.
[I use fragments myself in my writing, so I can't criticise you for a lack of a verb here, but this third short staccato sentence is one too far, I think, and I'd suggest you enlarge it, not least to make clear who suffers the heavy losses] Old Galt himself being slightly wounded at the last clash.
[another short sentence is too much and the "being" doesn't work in a discrete sentence like this, only as a continuation of another. If it is the town which has suffered the losses, link this to the previous sentence with a semi-colon or long dash. Otherwise, you'll need to re-phrase]
It had been
[you're back to past perfect. I'd suggest leaving in simple past a while longer. As a matter of style, I'd also suggest you avoid "It was" and the like as much as possible] nearly a season after ‘The Fall’
[why in inverted commas? I'd suggest you delete them and use only a lower case "t"] and, as Galt had feared, the new-civilization that
[would] r
ose out of the ashes of the old one was not altogether benevolent. The old
mentalities and prejudices [mentality’s and prejudice’s] [these are simply plurals, not possessives, so no apostrophe] Galt had hoped would be burned away
, to allow [for] [the "for" is a bit ambiguous and makes the "to blossom" an awkward construction] fresher, more in-tune
[in tune with what?? I'd suggest you avoid slang in any event] ways to blossom
, still lingered.
[your paragraphing is all over the place in what follows. I'm not sure what's intended and what's a mistake, but having several stand-alone sentences as individual paragraphs isn't a good idea]
For while Galt’s wounded shoulder mended, a cancer that would not die rotted at the heart of Gelstown.
[this reads as something of a mixed metaphor, and a cliche to boot]
Ferdez, a likeable man
, was trusted by Galt’s people.
As he was originally
[he's originally one of the survivors? Or he's originally one of the town council and one of the few to have survived?] one of the surviving town’s
[strictly this means it's the town that has survived, not, as I imagine you mean, the men -- I'd suggest you rephrase this entire sentence] council men he took the reluctant leadership
[leadership can't be reluctant, only the man taking it can be] of the town.
Instead of being a commander first and decisive in the way Gelstown would go
["would go"? You mean how it would progress? How it would approach problems? I think you need to clarify things a little] in this brave new world
, [cliche] Ferdez instead took the softly approach. Commendable in winning favor
, [why on earth is that commendable?] he was nonetheless [but] also instrumental in devolving powers to dozens of his favorites.
[Another false dichotomy, I think. Anyway, as written the sentence isn't finished -- by starting with "commendable" you have to put "he" in there with a verb. If in fact it isn't him that's commendable but his softly apprach from the previous line then add the verb there "eg "That was commendable" but then you need to make him the subject of the instrumental anyway] These
men became known as Magistrates and Galt was quick to recognize the true power behind Gelstown.
