Terra Prime: First scenes (~1500 words)

[atlhivemind]

From a post in this thread, I'm posting the opening scene to my novel.

The story follows Perrin, a young Spacer pilot who ends up one of the last survivors of her civilization and her subsequent time on 21st-Century Earth. This is her introduction, and the opening of the story itself.

---
She stared at the stars through the viewscreen, hoping the view would distract her from the boredom of being on watch.

A voice distracted her, “I hate this part.”

Perrin looked across the ready room table at the source of the downtrodden voice, “the waiting. Every five days we stand watch and for what? To sit on our asses and wait for nothing to happen. This ship hasn’t seen any action in a hundred years.”

She laughed off the remark and re-targeted the remote telescope to look at a passing asteroid cluster.

Their ship hung in space at the perimeter of yet another unnamed solar system as far from the core worlds of the Federation as anyone had ever been. The other five people in the room called those worlds home, but not her.

“Stow it, Kite!” she barked without looking up.

The man who was no older than her 24 years scowled and tossed the pad he was reading down on the desk, “maybe for a scientist, but I didn’t claw my way through flight school to fly overgrown cargo haulers off the deck of a cruiser 80,000 light years from where all the action is,” he slammed his fist down on the table.

The blue-eyed redhead who had been calmly ignoring the brazen man finally turned to him, "I prefer peace and quiet to combat duty. If you like, I'll meet you in the Sims after watch if you're looking for action." She gave him a confident smile, "last time I checked, I owned the board."

One of the other voices on the other side of the room finally said something, “Kite, leave the poor girl alone before I space your whiny ass,” their squadron Commander said without taking his eyes off the card game he was involved in.

Seconds later the alert klaxon rang and changed the tone in the room in an instant. The six pilots dressed in skin-tight bodysuits quickly ran to their lockers to don the rest of their gear as a voice on the intercom called for jump stations.

“There goes my view,” Perrin grumbled, “I wonder what it is.”

“Three days of meat-credits say it’s the Halkan Rebellion. What do you think, Boss?” Kite asked.

“Five says it’s Raiders.”

The others speculated on their fate as gloves and boots snapped into place as the pool rose to a total of ten days worth of ‘real food’ credits.

Perrin shrugged as all eyes fell on her, “no bet here, I’d rather keep my meal creds.”

The Jump Alarm’s shrill whistle filled the air and five seconds later the change in scenery on the viewscreen was accompanied by a brief bout of disorientation as the ship crossed thousands of light years in a fraction of a second.

Perrin finished attaching the last of her life support gear, pulled her helmet from her locker and looked at her viewscreen. The galactic belt was replaced by a sparse star field with a fully-illuminated gray-green planet clearly visible in the distance.

“Anyone recognize it?” Kite asked after a long, awkward silence where the call from PriFly should have been.

“All hands stand down from Combat Stations,” the Comm called, breaking what was a well-rehearsed routine.

The door to the interior corridor slid open and the tall, broad-shouldered figure of the CAG stepped in. The man’s steel-gray eyes scanned the room.

“Sub-Lieutenant Perrin Caleamblas, your presence is required in the Command Briefing Room.”

Perrin looked to the others for a moment, just in time to see the Boss speak up.

“Sir? What’s going on?”

“Stand down, Commander, your services will not be needed,” the CAG said before turning back to Perrin, “Lieutenant, you’re with me.”

#

She didn’t say a word as the CAG personally escorted her through the maze of corridors and lifts that took them nearly six kilometers, going from the port flight deck to the Command Complex near the front of the massive, ten-kilometer-long starship.

The CAG’s uneasy silence troubled her enough for her to say something, “sir, may I ask what’s going on?” The fact the Captain sent one of his senior staff instead of an android yeoman to fetch her was strange enough.

“Lieutenant, your guess is as good as mine, whatever this is about is over my head.”

The CAG left her at the lift and she walked down the corridor until she entered the Briefing Room.

“Sub-Lieutenant Perrin Caleamblas, reporting as ordered,” she said to the dark and empty room as she snapped to attention.

A figure stepped out of the shadows surrounding a conference table that had a holographic projection of the planet the ship was orbiting hovering over it. The short, gray-bearded man only came up to the 170-centimeter woman’s chest but the rank insignia on his uniform identified him as the ship’s Captain, Brannik.

The heavyworlder had been the master of the Federation’s flagship exploration vessel for longer than Perrin had been alive. He stood in front of her and glared up into her eyes.

“Sub-Lieutenant Perrin Caleamblas, what you are about to hear has been classified under Ankatan security directive Lambda Nine-Six. It is not to be discussed by anyone outside this room. Do you understand?”

“Understood, sir.”

“Stand at ease!”

She relaxed, but only slightly, catching a glimpse of a pair of iridescent blue eyes staring at her from the far end of the room.

“I’m sure you’re wondering why you were brought here and why your commanding officers are being left in the dark,” he said as he guided her into the room.

“The thought did cross my mind, sir,” she said as he pulled out a chair for her.

“You’ve been selected for a special mission. You are familiar with pre-orbital aerospace technology, yes?”

She sat down uneasily in full flight gear and processed the Captain’s question as she stared at the image of the planet before her.

“I’m a member of the Spaceflight Anachronist Society, I’ve flown simulacra of pre-orbitals and replicas of early spacecraft--”

“And aeroskimmed in a homemade glider over Orilla Four six years ago,”

Brannik smiled, “very impressive. I hear you made the calculations without the aid of a computer, true?”

Perrin smiled meekly as the Captain recalled the events that got her into the Academy in the first place, “yes, sir.” She was still confused, but knew better than to ask questions.

“What do you about the Star System known as Camilla?”

“It is a G-type system of seven planets. One dwarf planetoid, one heavy L-class Terrestrial and five gas giants. As I recall the locals possess only subsonic aviation tech. There’s no way they could have spaceflight by now, not with their environment.”

Brannik nodded, “true. However, there is a permanent research facility on-world. It is under attack.”

Perrin gasped, setting aside the issue of the Federation having covert ‘research’ facilities on primitive worlds, she stiffened in her seat.

“We received a distress call from the facility a few moments ago. The city the facility resides in is under attack by a rival nation-state. They expect the city to fall within a day and require immediate evacuation. Because of the covert nature of this mission we cannot bring Lantia within Portation range so you’re going to have to do this the old-fashioned way. There is an airstrip south of the city that will accommodate a modified Aurora-class shuttle. You’ll land, pickup the research team and execute a high-altitude inter-atmo FTL jump to orbital space. Any questions?”

“Alone, sir?” she asked as her gaze moved from the holo-image of the planet to the Captain, lingering on the pair of eyes that watched her from the shadows.

The Captain shook his head, “no, your partner is waiting in Bay 18. I should warn you that this ship has been stripped of all non-flight-critical tech. Furthermore, whether or not you return from your mission, this ship jumps to its next destination in precisely 600 kilocrons and if you run into trouble I cannot send any rescue craft. You are on your own. Clear?”

She stiffened and stood from her chair, “yes, sir,” she said as she snapped to attention.

“Dismissed!”

#

She left the briefing room, shed her flight gear and went to the launch bay. A lone female figure stood by the ramp to their winged shuttlecraft.

The tall, olive-skinned woman smiled, “Perrin Caleamblas? Doctor Dara Jansen, I assume you've been briefed?”

“If you could call it that. I trust you know where we’re going.”

Jansen nodded, “I do. I should warn you that this ship’s been stripped down, most of the automation systems are gone, I hope that won’t be an issue.”
Perrin smiled, “Doc, I’ve flown machines that you wouldn't consider a proper spacecraft, I’ll manage.”
---

The other thread has a more complete story treatment.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Sorry,no time for a proper crit, I will try to get to it later, but one thing which jumps out is your dialogue punctuation isn't quite there. There is stuff about it near the end of the toolbox thread in writing resources which might be worth having a look at. It's an easy fix.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I've read the first part, and there are a few things that stand out as potential issues for myself personally:

1. No hook. The first sentence is about being bored. The rest of that piece tries to show tension happening, but none of it is internal, so it reads flat - and nothing actually happens after the alarm either.

2. POV use. It seems like we're supposed to be following Perrin's POV. And yet, you don't mention the other character names, as if Perrin doesn't know them. And yet, having travelled with what appears like only a handful of people across the galaxy, the expectation is otherwise. Then you head hope from Perrin's POV a few times, such as "The others speculated on their fate" which also serves to slow the piece down.

3. Situation. You mention quickly that this place has no name, and then state that the other 5 people on this ship call it home. This didn't make sense.

Overall, though, I think your writing does show a lot of potential and it does flow nicely in parts. However, the use of POV is jarring, and you're not doing much to draw the reader into the piece. Issues such as not mentioning names even comes across as actively trying to avoid engaging the reader.

A flick through what follows suggests that you continue to hold back - the second section appears to be just a section of dialogue to serve as an infodump - at no point does the character appear excited, interest, or otherwise stimulated by the fact that they are being let into a galactic secret. There's no emotional response, no emotional engagement, and it reads as cold. There are also a few punctuation issues as well.

My personal opinion is that the intro would benefit from further editing, not least with a clear understanding of what you are actually trying to achieve, and ensure you communicate this to the reader through characterisation and actions.

You've obviously got something to work with, though - but to me it feels more like bones, than something fleshed out and dressed to proper engage a reader at this stage - more a first draft, which in itself is an achievement, but not the end of the writing process.

Just my personal opinion, though.

 

[atlhivemind]

Thanks for the input
I'm looking into the changes now. As I'd rather not run afoul of etiquette issues, what is the process for reposting portions?

 

[Brian G Turner]

Well, don't presume what you've heard is right for a start - I'm sure there will be more feedback - then you can make a decision on which points you think are most useful.

The more pointers you have to work with that you agree with, the more you can polish your story - would be little point correcting a couple of potential issues now, only for someone to point a couple more, rewrite, point out a couple more, etc.

 

[Bowler1]

She Perrin here, she is too vague stared at the stars through the viewscreen, hoping the view would distract her from the boredom of being on watch.

A voice distracted – distracted, repeat of word from above her, “I hate this part.” – Distracted her from what, I’m a little un-sure here?

Perrin If you use Perrin above, she would be fine here looked across the ready room table at the source of the downtrodden voice., “the waiting. Start here, clearer. Every five days we stand watch and for what? To sit on our asses and wait for nothing to happen. This ship hasn’t seen any action in a hundred years.” – Nothing wrong here, other than your telling the reader nothing happens, re-consider something more active as your intro?

She laughed off the remark and re-targeted the remote telescope to look at a passing asteroid cluster.

Their ship hung in space at the perimeter of yet another unnamed solar system as far from the core worlds of the Federation as anyone had ever been. The other five people in the room called those worlds home, but not her.

“Stow it, Kite!” she barked without looking up.

The man who was no older than her 24 years scowled and tossed the pad he was reading down on the desk, full stop? “maybe for a scientist, but I didn’t claw my way through flight school to fly overgrown cargo haulers off the deck of a cruiser 80,000 light years from where all the action is,” he slammed his fist down on the table. – The dialogue feels forced

The blue-eyed redhead who had been calmly ignoring the brazen man finally turned to him, full stop? – The comma might be ok, but a full stop would separate the action from the dialogue. "I prefer peace and quiet to combat duty. If you like, I'll meet you in the Sims after watch if you're looking for action." She gave him a confident smile, "last time I checked, I owned the board." The man, the redhead, do they not have names?

One of the other voices names? on the other side of the room why have you not taken a moment to describe the room? finally said something, “Kite, leave the poor girl alone before I space your whiny ass,” their squadron Commander said without taking his eyes off the card game he was involved in. – This is all one line, so sentence structure needs reviewing. The voice belonged to the Commander, so everything before the dialogue could be deleted.

Seconds later the alert klaxon rang and changed the tone in the room in an instant. The six pilots dressed in skin-tight bodysuits quickly ran to their lockers to don the rest of their gear as a voice on the intercom called for jump stations. Jump stations then pilots running to avoid reader confusion.


Most of the problems remain consistent for me after this. There is little back ground description to give me a feeling of character placement. The dialogue is a little flat and tells a lot of the plot quickly, so there very little suspense to keep my interest. There is no emotion from the characters which I like, it doesn’t have to be much but it helps I think. The ship jumps 000’s of light years yet the characters have to walk the length of the ship, so it felt odd. The dialogue felt more like info dumping instead of how people might naturally talk. Try and stick to one POV, it’s a good general rule but it can be broken if you’re feeling brave.

I’m baffled as to why the shuttle has had critical systems ripped out, other than to challenge the main characters flying skills, so my sense of reader reality has been pushed. Lots of work ahead, but good potential too. Focus on editing to improve clarity, re-read and polish what you do to within an inch of its life. You’re the first reader, so you have to be the most critical of what you do. Don’t worry too much about the red ink at this stage, it happens. Laters.

 

[JoanDrake]

This looks fine to me overall. I agree with some of the other crits in that you might describe the characters feelings and, in fact, the characters themselves, a little better but this is a novel so there will be plenty of time for that. Also, aren't you supposed to eschew description and let the action speak?

I like the way she was given the orders, straight, direct, and to the point, very properly military

The first 3/4 sentences were a little confusing to me and this is where names might be very helpful. It was mentioned throughout the other crits that you need more names and I've read somewhere that names can be repeated a lot more than other words, though that may be wrong.

I do note with others that the major problem is the lack of a hook. What you might try is to start right out with one of the action sequences then make this chapter 2, while we wait on tenterhooks to see how she's going to pull out of the sharp tailspin you've left her in and how she got there in the first place.

 

[Mischov]

Here is a partial critique.

Corrections are in red
Comments are in purple

Perrin stared at the stars through the viewscreen, hoping the view would distract her from the boredom of being on watch. You might talk about why Perrin would choose to distract herself by looking out at space through the viewscreen. Does she feel a connection with space? Is she thinking about events on other stars? Is she amused by watching little bits and pieces float through space? Is she homesick? Not advocating an essay on the topic, just a little bit of flavor to help establish an emotional connection with P. Would also make it more believable that she is concentrating, which lends credibility to the impending distraction.

A voice distracted her, “I hate this part.”

Perrin looked across the ready room table to the source of the downtrodden voice, “I hate the waiting. Every five days we stand watch and for what? To sit on our asses and wait for nothing to happen. This ship hasn’t seen any action in a hundred years.”

If these people have been on watch every five days for any extended period of time, then it seems likely that this conversation has happened before. Kite has complained about being bored and wanting to see action before, Perrin has told him she prefers peace and quiet, their commander has told them both to shut up about it, etc. Some sense of (over)familiarity might be appropriate.

She laughed off the remark and re-targeted the remote telescope to look at a passing asteroid cluster.

Their ship hung in space at the perimeter of yet another unnamed solar system as far from the core worlds of the Federation as anyone had ever been. The other five people in the room called those worlds home, but not her.

“Stow it, Kite!” she barked without looking up.

The man who was no older than her twenty-four years scowled and tossed the pad he was reading down on the desk, “maybe for a scientist, but I didn’t claw my way through flight school to fly overgrown cargo haulers off the deck of a cruiser 80,000 light years from where all the action is,” he slammed his fist down on the table melodramatic? .

The blue-eyed redhead who had been calmly ignoring the brazen man finally turned to him, "I prefer peace and quiet to combat duty. If you like, I'll meet you in the sims after watch if you're looking for action." She gave him a confident smile, "last time I checked, I owned the board." Not sure about this bit of dialog. He would know she owned the board, she probably wouldn't say it that way. And they would have met in the sims before, so there would be history that she would probably allude to

“Kite, leave the poor girl alone before I space your whiny ass,” their squadron Commander said from across the room, his eyes never leaving the card game he was involved in.

Seconds later the alert klaxon started ringing. The six pilots, already dressed in skin-tight bodysuits, jumped up and ran to their lockers to don the rest of their gear as a voice on the intercom called for jump stations.

“There goes my view,” Perrin grumbled, “I wonder what it is.”

“Three days of meat-credits say it’s the Halkan Rebellion. What do you think, Boss?” Kite asked.

“Five says it’s Raiders.”

The others speculated on their fate as gloves and boots snapped into place and the pool rose to a total of ten days worth of ‘real food’ credits. Maybe there should be an air of excitement and apprehension among the pilots at this point? Or at least an air of "ain't nothing ever happened before and it won't this time either"?

Perrin shrugged as all eyes fell on her, “no bet here, I’d rather keep my meal creds.”

The Jump Alarm’s shrill whistle filled the air and five seconds later the change in scenery on the viewscreen was accompanied by a brief bout of disorientation as the ship crossed thousands of light years in a fraction of a second.

Perrin finished attaching the last of her life support gear, pulled her helmet from her locker and looked at her viewscreen. The galactic belt was replaced by a sparse star field with a fully-illuminated gray-green planet clearly visible in the distance.

“Anyone recognize it?” Kite asked into the long, awkward silence that should have been the call from PriFly.

“All hands stand down from Combat Stations,” the Comm called at last, breaking what was a well-rehearsed routine and affecting the pilots how?.

The door to the interior corridor slid open and the tall, broad-shouldered figure of the CAG introduce what CAG stands for stepped in. The man’s steel-gray eyes scanned the room.

“Sub-Lieutenant Perrin Caleamblas, your presence is required in the Command Briefing Room.”

Perrin looked to the others for a moment, just in time to see The Boss speak up.

“Sir? What’s going on?”

“Stand down, Commander, your services will not be needed,” the CAG said before turning back to Perrin, “Lieutenant, you’re with me.”

As others have noted, the lack of character feelings makes this a little dry and difficult to associate with.

I also agree that there needs to be more hook.

You could start tackling both of these issues simultaneously by expanding on why Perrin is staring out into space.

My overall impression is that the upcoming mission seems interesting enough to keep reading, but that the writing may stay dry and uninvolving and eventually lead me to stop reading.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I am afraid there were a few things didn't work for me.


Shewho? If this is the first line, name her stared at the stars through the viewscreen, hoping the viewviewx2 would distract her from the boredom of being on watch.

A voice distractedthe echo doesn't work for me her,I think perhaps this could be a full stop. “I hate this part.”

Perrin looked across the ready room tableready-room table? at the source of the downtroddenthis is telling, it might be nicer to show it in his actions? voice,Here I'd have a full stop and a new paragraph because I think this statement is by the downtrodden one? “the waiting. Every five days we stand watch and for what? To sit on our asses and wait for nothing to happen. This ship hasn’t seen any action in a hundred years.”

She laughed off the remark and re-targeted the remote telescope to look at a passingin what way? Close by, miles away, any clunk. asteroid cluster.

Their ship hung in space at the perimeter of yet another unnamed solar system as far from the core worlds of the Federation as anyone had ever been. The other five people in the room called those worlds homeYet they have no name?, but not her.

“Stow it, Kite!” she barked without looking up.

The man who was no older than her 24 years scowleddo we need to know this at this stage? and tossed the pad he was reading down on the desk,. "Maybe “maybe for a scientist, but I didn’t claw my way through flight school to fly overgrown cargo haulers off the deck of a cruiser 80,000 light years from where all the action is,” he slammed his fist down on the table.

The blue-eyed redhead who had been calmly ignoring the brazen man finally turned to him,. "I prefer peace and quiet to combat duty. If you like, I'll meet you in the Sims after watch if you're looking for action." She gave him a confident smile,. "last time I checked, I owned the board."

One of the other voices on the other side of the roomI am losing track of who is who and where they are finally said something., “Kite, leave the poor girl alone before I space your whiny ass,” their squadron Commander said without taking his eyes off the card game he was involved in.



I haven't gone on at this stage. I think Brian is right that there is no conflict, nothing to engage us with the characters or make us care about them. I have given a couple of egs about the dialogue punctuation that I mentioned earlier, this runs through the piece. I think there is a story in here, but at the moment, I'm a little confused as to who is who and what not. I would suggest, maybe, doing a couple of critiques for others, and see what jumps out to you in terms of what you like and don't as sometimes it's easier to do with someone elses' work.

The stuff in this that makes it confusing it all easily fixed: things like who is talking to who, punctuation etc. and the writing itself shows a narrative voice that is sure of the story it wants to tell. Good luck.

 

[atlhivemind]

I've been working on a rewrite of the first scene.
Some changes:
- The scene opens with the call to combat stations and a nearly-averted fistfight between Perrin and Kite.
- More thoughts and emotions from Perrin
- Several names get passed around.
- Fixed a few punctuation errors... I think.

Is it kosher to post a rewrite in the same thread?

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

I've been working on a rewrite of the first scene.
Some changes:
- The scene opens with the call to combat stations and a nearly-averted fistfight between Perrin and Kite.
- More thoughts and emotions from Perrin
- Several names get passed around.
- Fixed a few punctuation errors... I think.

Is it kosher to post a rewrite in the same thread?

It would probably be a better idea to start a new thread and title it something like "Terra Prime (revised)."

I agree with the various comments that have been already made.

You do need to watch out for dialogue punctuation and capitalization. Here are some simple examples:

"Hello," Mary said.

"Hello." Mary smiled.

Fred said, "How are you?"

Fred smiled back. "How are you?"

In particular, dialogue should start with a capital letter unless it is an interruption of a statement made by one speaker. That's a little hard to explain, but something like this:

"I tried to get here on time," Mary said, "but the bus was late."

(That may be correct, but it always looks a little odd to me. I try to avoid it completely.)

 

[The Judge]

Is it kosher to post a rewrite in the same thread?

Yep, it's fine to put a revised version of the same bit up in the same thread, or you can start a new thread and refer back to the old, whichever you want. (Always remembering the max 1500 words for the revised bit, of course.)

However, to echo Brian, I'd suggest you wait a bit longer before rushing to put changes into effect and posting them -- this thread hasn't been up 24 hours and you may still get a few comments on this version. In any event, I'd always recommend taking a day or so to digest the critiques and fully understand them, rather than going off half-cocked with a hasty re-write. There's no race on here -- so you can take your time!

 

[atlhivemind]

While I didn't think a full rewrite was in order, I took on the opening scene and tweaked it.
I'm reasonably certain I fixed most of the punctuation issues, but probable created a few more. I'm more concerned with the content and flow than whether things are capitalized properly

---
“All hands to Combat Jump Stations. This is no drill!”

The klaxon echoed through the ready room of the cruiser Lantia’s ready room. For the first time in as long as anyone aboard could remember the old starship was going into battle.

It wasn’t what Perrin signed up for.

She didn’t think, didn’t question what was happening as she went through the well-rehearsed motions of donning her flight gear. She was a starfighter pilot, barely two weeks into her first cruise.

Gloves and boots snapped into place over a skin-tight bodysuit as a wave of disorientation washed over her as the ship’s FTL engaged. Perrin glanced at the viewscreen across the room that had held her attention mere moments earlier. Gone was the clusters of pulsars she was studying. Instead, the remote telescope now pointed at the only object worth a look: A lone gray-green Terrestrial planet.

She grabbed her helmet from her locker, closed her eyes, and waited for the inevitable call from PriFly that would send them to their ships.

She was more worried about finishing her research on Trinary Pulsar formations than about flying into combat from a ship that never went anywhere near a disputed system.

There was a reason she chose this assignment. The old Exploration Cruiser was the only ship in the Fleet that plowed the space lanes between the core worlds of the Ankata Federation and the frontier. Its fighter wing was assured of never seeing real combat; or so she thought.

The time for the call came and went; she kept her calm.

“Well? Where’s the godsdamned call?” Kite, the boy next to her asked. He nervously banged his suit against his locker in frustration, breaking her from her trance.

“Stow it, Kite!” she barked without looking at him. “I don’t know about you, but I’m in no rush to get vaporized today!”

“You scientists!”, Kite spat, “always shying away from the action.”

He slammed his gloved fist against a locker door, leaving a dent.

The blue-eyed redhead finally turned to him, "If its action you want, I'll be more than happy to once again kick your ass in the simulators after watch," she gave him a confident smile, "I assure you it’s the only kind of action you’ll be getting this cruise."

Kite twitched, narrowed his eyes at her and balled his fists. She glared back at him, daring him to throw the first punch-- if only to see him tossed in the brig and out of her way.

“Kite! Freckles!” Lt. Commander Tobias’s voice boomed from across the room, “Stow it before I space the both of you!”

She turned away from him and faced front at the words of her CO, idly wondering if the kid from the woodlands of Ankata Prime would outlast her in such a situation.

The thought of living just long enough to see Kite’s blood boil out his ears was amusing enough to make her smile.

Before Tobias could level a proper dressing-down at the two of them, the door to the interior corridor slid open and the tall, broad-shouldered figure of the Commander of the ship’s combat wing stepped in.

The smile vanished as the entire squadron snapped to attention.

The Commander’s steel-gray eyes scanned the room.

“Sub-Lieutenant Perrin Caleamblas, your presence is required in the Command Briefing Room,” he said, locking eyes with her.

“Sir? What’s going on?” Tobias asked.

“Stand down, Tobias, your services will not be needed,” the Commander said before turning back to Perrin. “Lieutenant, you’re with me.”
---

I decided to show Perrin's dark sense of humor early on; it serves her well later in the story.

 

[The Judge]

Hi -- the software ate your formatting! I've gone through and edited it for you, adding the usual clear line's space between paragraphs, as you'd have been out of time to do it yourself, but another time, do remember to check before posting, or cast an eye over it and edit it afterwards if need be. A wall of text can be very forbidding and reduces the chances of people reading your work, which would be a shame.

 

[atlhivemind]

Gah! Thanks!
I copy-pasta'ed from GDocs while forgetting I'd ran the original through a plaintext dicer.

 

[Mischov]

Corrections/Suggestions
Comments

“All hands to Combat Jump Stations. This is no drill!”

The klaxon echoed through the ready room of Lantia’s ready room. For the first time in as long as anyone aboard could remember the old starship was going into battle. This wasn’t what Perrin signed up for.

She didn't need to concentrate as she went through the well-rehearsed motions of donning her flight gear. She was a starfighter pilot, even if she was barely two weeks into her first cruise. She snapped her gloves and boots into place just as a wave of disorientation washed over her; the ship’s FTL had engaged. Perrin glanced back to the viewscreen across the room that had held her attention mere moments earlier. Gone was the clusters of pulsars she was studying. Instead, the remote telescope now pointed at the only object worth a look- a lone gray-green Terrestrial planet.

She grabbed her helmet from her locker, closed her eyes, and waited for the inevitable call from PriFly that would send them to their ships. Just a moment ago she'd been more worried about finishing her research on Trinary Pulsar formations than about flying into combat. After all, Lantia was the only ship in the Fleet that plowed the space lanes between the core world of the Ankata Federation and the frontier. That was a reason she chose this assignment- the fighter wing on this old Exploration Cruiser was assured of never seeing real combat. Or so she'd thought.

The time for the to-ships call came and went; she kept her calm.

“Well? Where’s the godsdamned call?” Kite, asked from beside her. He nervously banged his suit against his locker in frustration, breaking her from her trance.

“Stow it, Kite!” she barked without looking at him. “I don’t know about you, but I’m in no rush to get vaporized today!”

“Scientists!”, Kite spat, “always shying away from the action.” He slammed his gloved fist against a locker door, leaving a dent.

Perrin turned to him contemptuously. "If its action you want, I'll be more than happy to kick your ass in the simulators after watch. Again."

Kite narrowed his eyes at her and balled his fists. She glared back at him, daring him to throw a punch-- if only to see him tossed in the brig and out of her way.

“Kite! Freckles!” Lt. Commander Tobias’s voice boomed from across the room, “Stow it before I space the both of you!”

Perrin turned away from Kite and faced front at the words of her CO, idly wondering if the kid from the woodlands of Ankata Prime would outlast her in such a situation. The thought of living just long enough to see Kite’s blood boil out his ears was amusing enough to make her smile. I'm not sure if this line seems in character with the rest of Perrin's nature, which seems to be more peaceful scientist so far. Even if it is in line with her character (the dark humor you mention), you should probably make it sound more humorous and less homicidal.

Before Tobias could begin to properly dress the two of them down, the door to the interior corridor slid open and the tall, broad-shouldered figure of the ship's Wing Commander stepped in. Perrin's smile vanished as the entire squadron snapped to attention. The Commander’s steel-gray eyes scanned the room.

“Sub-Lieutenant Perrin Caleamblas, your presence is required in the Command Briefing Room,” he said, locking eyes with her.

“Sir? What’s going on?” Tobias asked.

“Stand down, Tobias, your services are not needed.” The Commander turned back to Perrin. “Lieutenant, you’re with me.”

This beginning is much better. Both Perrin and Kite are better characterized, the setting is clearer, and the tone is much more active and engaging. Keep up the good work..

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

While I didn't think a full rewrite was in order, I took on the opening scene and tweaked it.
I'm reasonably certain I fixed most of the punctuation issues, but probable created a few more. I'm more concerned with the content and flow than whether things are capitalized properly

---
“All hands to Combat Jump Stations. This is no drill!”

The klaxon echoed through the ready room of the cruiser Lantia’s ready room. For the first time in as long as anyone aboard could remember the old starship was going into battle.

It wasn’t what Perrin signed up for.

She didn’t think, didn’t question what was happening as she went through the well-rehearsed motions of donning her flight gear. She was a starfighter pilot, barely two weeks into her first cruise.

Gloves and boots snapped into place over a skin-tight bodysuit as a wave of disorientation washed over her as the ship’s FTL engaged. Perrin glanced at the viewscreen across the room that had held her attention mere moments earlier. Gone was the clusters of pulsars she was studying. Instead, the remote telescope now pointed at the only object worth a look: A lone gray-green Terrestrial planet. Even for space opera, this journey from one part of the galaxy to another seems far too easy. Could some more wordage be devoted to it?

She grabbed her helmet from her locker, closed her eyes, and waited for the inevitable call from PriFly that would send them to their ships.

She was more worried about finishing her research on Trinary Pulsar formations than about flying into combat from a ship that never went anywhere near a disputed system.

There was a reason she chose this assignment. The old Exploration Cruiser was the only ship in the Fleet that plowed the space lanes between the core worlds of the Ankata Federation and the frontier. Its fighter wing was assured of never seeing real combat; or so she thought.
If she's a scientist, why has she signed up as a fighter pilot?Or conversely, if she's an ace pilot, is the science just a spare-time interest? Maybe you should explain - or avoid raising the question so soon.
The time for the call came and went; she kept her calm.

“Well? Where’s the godsdamned call?” Kite, the boy next to her asked. He nervously banged his suit against his locker in frustration, breaking her from her trance.

“Stow it, Kite!” she barked without looking at him. “I don’t know about you, but I’m in no rush to get vaporized today!”

“You scientists!”, Kite spat, “always shying away from the action.”

He slammed his gloved fist against a locker door, leaving a dent.
I don't know much about fighter pilots, but I'm thinking it's just as well this prat is on a ship that never sees any action.
The blue-eyed redhead finally turned to him, "If its action you want, I'll be more than happy to once again kick your ass in the simulators after watch," she gave him a confident smile, "I assure you it’s the only kind of action you’ll be getting this cruise."

Kite twitched, narrowed his eyes at her and balled his fists. She glared back at him, daring him to throw the first punch-- if only to see him tossed in the brig and out of her way.

“Kite! Freckles!” Lt. Commander Tobias’s voice boomed from across the room, “Stow it before I space the both of you!”

She turned away from him and faced front at the words of her CO, idly wondering if the kid from the woodlands of Ankata Prime would outlast her in such a situation.

[The thought of living just long enough to see Kite’s blood boil out his ears was amusing enough to make her smile.] Cut

Before Tobias could level a proper dressing-down at the two of them, the door to the interior corridor slid open and the tall, broad-shouldered figure of the Commander of the ship’s combat wing stepped in.

The smile vanished as the entire squadron snapped to attention.

The Commander’s steel-gray eyes scanned the room.

“Sub-Lieutenant Perrin Caleamblas, your presence is required in the Command Briefing Room,” he said, locking eyes with her.

“Sir? What’s going on?” Tobias asked.

“Stand down, Tobias, your services will not be needed,” the Commander said before turning back to Perrin. “Lieutenant, you’re with me.”
---

I decided to show Perrin's dark sense of humor early on; it serves her well later in the story.

I note that the second version is radically different from the relevant part of the first version. It's definitely an improvement. I've red-marked some sections, but I'm being fairly picky.
It reads quite well, and it engages the reader's attention. If the rest of it is like this, it should be quite an entertaining space opera.

 

[Brian G Turner]

This beginning is much better. Both Perrin and Kite are better characterized, the setting is clearer, and the tone is much more active and engaging. Keep up the good work..

Echoed - much improved.

Probably room for some extra polish, but I figure you'll want to look further at your manuscript first - you may need to plan a rewriting draft first to bring together your insights on this section.

 

[atlhivemind]

I'm poking at it. It's given me a few ideas as to how to handle later sections of the manuscript. That said, I've got a lotta work ahead of me...

 

[Warren_Paul]

Hi, Atlhivemind. I got a good feeling of building excitement in the first part of this scene, although I was a bit disappointed when they didn't rush out to the fighters and launch straight away. I'm a big fan of Wing Commander, btw, and got a real Wing Commander feel when reading this scene. I liked it, but I do have some comments.

“All hands to Combat Jump Stations. -Can you simplify the name a bit? It sounds a bit clunky to me- This is no drill!”

The klaxon -Some readers who aren't familiar with what the word klaxon means might be a bit confused here. The name also came from a trademark, so unless you're deliberately making a connection to past earth, maybe just use horn instead?- echoed through the ready room of the cruiser Lantia’s ready room. For the first time in as long as anyone aboard could remember the old starship was going into battle.

It wasn’t what Perrin signed up for.

She didn’t think, didn’t question what was happening as she went through the well-rehearsed motions of donning her flight gear. She was a starfighter pilot, barely two weeks into her first cruise. -This is telling, and I'd prefer it to come up some other way, maybe like dialogue or built into the 'this wasn't what Perrin signed up for' sentence to make it more the character's voice, than the narrator telling-

Gloves and boots snapped into place over a skin-tight bodysuit as -You repeat the "this happened as this happened" structure twice in this sentence which makes it a bit clunky. I'd suggest cutting out the gloves and boots description as it's not really needed, and a bit repetitive because of the previous paragraph. If you want to keep mention of the skin-tight bodysuit, expand the process of her getting changed in the previous paragraph to include the description of the suit- a wave of disorientation washed over her as the ship’s FTL engaged. Perrin glanced at the viewscreen across the room that had held her attention mere moments earlier. Gone was the clusters of pulsars she was studying. Instead, the remote telescope now pointed at the only object worth a look: A lone gray-green Terrestrial planet.

She grabbed her helmet from her locker, closed her eyes, and waited for the inevitable call from PriFly that would send them to their ships.

She was more worried about finishing her research on Trinary Pulsar formations than about flying into combat from a ship that never went anywhere near a disputed system.

There was a reason she chose this assignment. The old Exploration Cruiser was the only ship in the Fleet that plowed the space lanes between the core worlds of the Ankata Federation and the frontier. Its fighter wing was assured of never seeing real combat; or so she thought.

The time for the call came and went; she kept her calm.

“Well? Where’s the godsdamned call?” Kite, the boy next to her asked. He nervously banged his suit against his locker in frustration, breaking her from her trance. -Kite speaking surprised me here, because so far the scene had been described as if Perrin was alone in the room, and for another character to suddenly start talking out of the blue was unexpected-

“Stow it, Kite!” she barked without looking at him. “I don’t know about you, but I’m in no rush to get vaporized today!”

“You scientists! -I don't think you should put an exclamation mark here because his dialogue doesn't sound like it warrants one, and it's also the third mark you've used in a row. Overusing them ruins the effect-”, -don't put a comma here- Kite spat, “always shying away from the action.”

He slammed his gloved fist against a locker door, leaving a dent. -Wow, this guy needs to chill out. The overreacting is pushing my disbelief a bit-

The blue-eyed redhead finally turned to him, -You just pulled us out of Perrin's point of view by describing her as if the PoV character was somebody else- "If its action you want, I'll be more than happy to once again kick your ass in the simulators after watch," she gave him a confident smile, "I assure you it’s the only kind of action you’ll be getting this cruise."

Kite twitched, narrowed his eyes at her and balled his fists. She glared back at him, daring him to throw the first punch-- if only to see him tossed in the brig and out of her way.

“Kite! Freckles!” Lt. Commander Tobias’s voice boomed from across the room, -Period here, not comma- “Stow it before I space the both of you!”

She turned away from him and faced front at the words of her CO, idly wondering if the kid from the woodlands of Ankata Prime would outlast her in such a situation. -This seems strange to me. She is suddenly thinking herself better than Kite, even though she was worried about going into battle? Seems like a sudden change in her personality compared to her earlier thoughts-

The thought of living just long enough to see Kite’s blood boil out his ears was amusing enough to make her smile. -And I thought Kite was the nasty one... -

Before Tobias could level a proper dressing-down at the two of them, the door to the interior corridor slid open and the tall, broad-shouldered figure of the Commander of the ship’s combat wing stepped in. -This sentence is a bit clunky. I'd try tightening it a bit to make the sentence easier to read-

The -Whose smile?- smile vanished as the entire squadron snapped to attention.

...

As you can see, nothing that won't take too long to fix. Overall, rather good.