Orion, Delilah and the Starjammers

[stephen.samuels]

Just an idea that's been kicking around in my head for a bit. Just wanted to see what you make of it.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Orion, was one strange kid. He was mutant in a town of Pure Breads, which meant, he either found trouble or made it. People didn’t like him very much.
Maybe it was the bleach white skin, maybe it was the tattoos or maybe he just pissed people off. Whatever the reason, Orion was always running from someone.

“Where we playing tonight?” Jason asked, as they ran down the street.

“f*ck knows, that fat piece of ****, we call a manager never said.” Orion replied.

“Orion, there’s only one guy been ******** round here, and that’s you! You been dealt some dodgy gear, my friend.” Jason swiped, as he flitted away.

“f*ck you, at least my penis isn’t purple.” Orion blasted back.

Orion and Jason had been part of a band since they were kids, which wasn’t a thing to do, in Febes. Mainly because the fat cats in the high skies, didn’t want anyone thinking they could reach them. As a result, two types of people exist in Febes, those with talent and those without. The ground dwellers were the workforce, the sky dwellers were the ‘talented ones’.

Had Orion had talent though, bags of it in fact, because unlike most ground dwellers, Orion was on the ground because nobody knew what else to do with him? He fronted Orion, Delilah and the Starjammers. He had an axe called Mica, and voice that made women wet. He never had any family, the state tried to put him in care, but they had no chance. He scared the other kids anyway, they thought he was a demon.

“You gonna try and keep your clothes on tonight, you vain *******?” Jason asked, as they rounded the corner.

“Hey listen, you got give the people what they want. Besides, don’t scold me cos you’re carrying extra timber tubby.” Orion poked Jason in the ribs and then danced away.

“That bloody hurt, you twat!” Jason protested, feigning injury.

“Oh shut it, and get down here!” Orion ordered as he jumped into the sewer.

“I’m coming!” Jason shouted.

In the town of Febes, and pretty much all of the country Gorra, if you part of the generic underclass, you weren’t meant for show business. In fact, it was made illegal for the underclass to get into anything which requires artistic talent. The underclass were anyone considered to be imperfect, they were kept as dog’s bodies and nothing else. Orion was having none of it. He wanted fame, fortune and to play Mica to the world. He was a star. Though at the moment, he had to play in the sewers.

“Are you excited Jason?” Orion asked as he ran down.

“Oh yea, can’t you tell? It’s always so lovely down here.”

Orion grinned at his friend. “Boy you complain too much, this is the big city.
This is fuckinng show business baby!”

“Yeah, ain’t that the truth.”

They ran alongside rivers of ****, until they came to heavy metal door. It was ajar, and inside the opening stood Delilah. She adjusted her rap around shades, which had begun to slide down her nose, and looked at Orion and Jason as they approached.

“You ladies forget your penises on the way out? Cos you’re late again, and we’ve done no sound check. “

Jason regarded, Orion with a look of disdain. “I’ll give you one guess why we’re late.” He said.

“You did it again?” Delilah fumed.

Orion blew the hair out of his eyes, and smiled triumphantly. “Course I did, I got in there, made Mica scream, and then the cops came after us. It was my sound check.”

“They’ll catch you one of these days, and then you’ll be dead!” Delilah yelled.

Orion smiled fiendishly. “Those stuffy prigs need to learn, what art is. And believe me, I’m going to teach them.”

 

[Mouse]

How's it the forum's not picking up on the swearwords today?!

Anyway, not read it, sorry, just glanced through. Your dialogue punctuation is wrong, I know there's a couple of topics in the Toolbox about it so you might want to go over and have a lookit.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

How's it the forum's not picking up on the swearwords today?!

Anyway, not read it, sorry, just glanced through. Your dialogue punctuation is wrong, I know there's a couple of topics in the Toolbox about it so you might want to go over and have a lookit.

It picked mine up... although I usually asterisk the very bad stuff, just to be sure. But it picked up s**t, which isn't that bad... Samuel, my laptop batteries are about to die, but I'll have a look tomorrow, if you haven't been inundated with replies.

 

[stephen.samuels]

It picked mine up... although I usually asterisk the very bad stuff, just to be sure. But it picked up s**t, which isn't that bad... Samuel, my laptop batteries are about to die, but I'll have a look tomorrow, if you haven't been inundated with replies.

thats cool cheers

 

[ctg]

Orion, was one strange kid. He was mutant in a town of purebreads (or combat muffins), which meant, he either found trouble or made it. And people didn’t like him very much.
​

I'm sorry but I couldn't help myself from changing your word as to me it read like a satire, and Pure Breads was just too much. Hence the alteration.

Another thing is that by third sentence I'm reading this with too many stops and pauses. It's almost as if there's no flow at all.

Maybe it was the bleach white skin, maybe it was the tattoos or maybe he just pissed people off. Whatever the reason, Orion was always running from someone.
​

A nickle; the ending of this paragraph is too stereotypical. It's too obvious and to me, it sounds a bit repetitious. Think about how much it would change your story if you would add there, "...or from something."

“Where we playing tonight?” Jason asked, as they ran down the street.
​

No need for a comma.

“f*ck knows, that fat piece of ****, we call a manager never said.” Orion replied.
​

You need a comma here.

The other thing is that the dialogue sounds a bit forced.

“Orion, there’s only one guy been ******** round here, and that’s you! You been dealt some dodgy gear, my friend.” Jason swiped, as he flitted away.
​

You can fit the dialogue tag plus the description inside the quotation marks. You could've written:

"Orion," Jason grunted. "There's only one guy who's been effin' around and that's you! You've been dealing some dodgy stuff my friend."

“f*ck you, at least my penis isn’t purple.” Orion blasted back.
​

PURPLE??? WHAT?? If someone's member is a purple they need to go to check it out immediately. Although this opens up some very strange thoughts about his character.

Why he's checking other people genitalia? And why aren't you following this with another dialogue line?

Remember where the commas go as I'm seeing a lot of grammar mistakes in this piece.

Orion and Jason had been part of a band since they were kids, which wasn’t a thing to do, in Febes. Mainly because the fat cats in the high skies, didn’t want anyone thinking they could reach them. As a result, two types of people exist in Febes, those with talent and those without. The ground dwellers were the workforce, the sky dwellers were the ‘talented ones’.

Had Orion had talent though, bags of it in fact, because unlike most ground dwellers, Orion was on the ground because nobody knew what else to do with him? He fronted Orion, Delilah and the Starjammers. He had an axe called Mica, and voice that made women wet. He never had any family, the state tried to put him in care, but they had no chance. He scared the other kids anyway, they thought he was a demon.
​

Instead of jumping off and exposing the back story, you could had tried go a bit more with the flow and explain things from his perspective rather than using the narrator.

So when you go back to edit this think about how you approach certain bits and pieces in your story. Could you have written them better?

“You gonna try and keep your clothes on tonight, you vain *******?” Jason asked as they went around the corner.

“Hey listen," Orion poked him in the ribs. "You got give the people what they want. Besides, don’t scold me cos you’re carrying extra timber tubby.” Orion poked Jason in the ribs and then danced away.

“That bloody hurt, you twat!” Jason protested, feigning injury.

“Oh shut it, and get down here!” Orion ordered as he jumped into the sewer.

“I’m coming!” Jason shouted.
​

Watch your exclamation marks. The dialogue can deliver the impact on its own. So trust your abilities. Another thing is that you're so obsessed of putting the actions and descriptions after the dialogue, when you could have written them at the beginning or at middle.

In the town of Febes, and pretty much all of the country Gorra, if you part of the generic underclass, you weren’t meant for show business. In fact, it was made illegal for the underclass to get into anything which requires artistic talent. The underclass were anyone considered to be imperfect, they were kept as dog’s bodies and nothing else. Orion was having none of it. He wanted fame, fortune and to play Mica to the world. He was a star. Though at the moment, he had to play in the sewers.
​

The beginning is too strong narrator but you cleverly do the switch at the end. So think about that beginning and how could connect it to the dialogue without using an outside narrator.

“Are you excited Jason?” Orion asked as he ran down.

“Oh yea, can’t you tell? It’s always so lovely down here.”

Orion grinned at his friend. “Boy you complain too much, this is the big city. This is f*cking show business baby!”

“Yeah, ain’t that the truth.”

They ran alongside rivers of ****, until they came to heavy metal door. It was ajar, and inside the opening stood Delilah. She adjusted her rap around shades, which had begun to slide down her nose, and looked at Orion and Jason as they approached.
​

Shades in the sewer? Why?

Also another piece of strong narrator. Is there a way where you write it coming from Jason's POV?

“You ladies forget your penises on the way out? Cos you’re late again, and we’ve done no sound check. “
​

Not good. You can do better.

Jason regarded, Orion with a look of disdain. “I’ll give you one guess why we’re late.” He said.

“You did it again?” Delilah fumed.

Orion blew the hair out of his eyes, and smiled triumphantly. “Course I did, I got in there, made Mica scream, and then the cops came after us. It was my sound check.”

“They’ll catch you one of these days, and then you’ll be dead!” Delilah yelled.

Orion smiled fiendishly. “Those stuffy prigs need to learn, what art is. And believe me, I’m going to teach them.”
​

Exclamation marks, grammar mistakes, strong narrator instead of using a character. Well mate I trust you can do better. This piece has some life in it but it's hiding under the crude surface at the moment. Fix it and people will like it.

 

[Dave]

How's it the forum's not picking up on the swearwords today?!

Each word has to be individually chosen to be filtered. Obviously, we need to add some more into the mix. It is difficult to walk the line because you wouldn't want to prevent discussion about male hens, for instance, and in any case, someone can alway get around it somehow - fcuk.

I don't do these critiques but I just wanted to come and mention the odd title, Orion, Deliah and the Starjammers. That is too long and doesn't scan for me at all. Starjammers sounds interesting and draws my attention. Deliah and the Starjammers would work, though it sounds like a 1970's pop group - maybe one from the musical Mamma Mia. Orion and the Starjammers would work, or even just Orion and Deliah.

Well my 2c's worth. On the other hand, it did make me read the thread.

 

[stephen.samuels]

Orion, was one strange kid. He was mutant in a town of purebreads (or combat muffins), which meant, he either found trouble or made it. And people didn’t like him very much.
​

I'm sorry but I couldn't help myself from changing your word as to me it read like a satire, and Pure Breads was just too much. Hence the alteration.

Another thing is that by third sentence I'm reading this with too many stops and pauses. It's almost as if there's no flow at all.

Maybe it was the bleach white skin, maybe it was the tattoos or maybe he just pissed people off. Whatever the reason, Orion was always running from someone.
​

A nickle; the ending of this paragraph is too stereotypical. It's too obvious and to me, it sounds a bit repetitious. Think about how much it would change your story if you would add there, "...or from something."

“Where we playing tonight?” Jason asked, as they ran down the street.
​

No need for a comma.

“f*ck knows, that fat piece of ****, we call a manager never said.” Orion replied.
​

You need a comma here.

The other thing is that the dialogue sounds a bit forced.

“Orion, there’s only one guy been ******** round here, and that’s you! You been dealt some dodgy gear, my friend.” Jason swiped, as he flitted away.
​

You can fit the dialogue tag plus the description inside the quotation marks. You could've written:

"Orion," Jason grunted. "There's only one guy who's been effin' around and that's you! You've been dealing some dodgy stuff my friend."

“f*ck you, at least my penis isn’t purple.” Orion blasted back.
​

PURPLE??? WHAT?? If someone's member is a purple they need to go to check it out immediately. Although this opens up some very strange thoughts about his character.

Why he's checking other people genitalia? And why aren't you following this with another dialogue line?

Remember where the commas go as I'm seeing a lot of grammar mistakes in this piece.

Orion and Jason had been part of a band since they were kids, which wasn’t a thing to do, in Febes. Mainly because the fat cats in the high skies, didn’t want anyone thinking they could reach them. As a result, two types of people exist in Febes, those with talent and those without. The ground dwellers were the workforce, the sky dwellers were the ‘talented ones’.

Had Orion had talent though, bags of it in fact, because unlike most ground dwellers, Orion was on the ground because nobody knew what else to do with him? He fronted Orion, Delilah and the Starjammers. He had an axe called Mica, and voice that made women wet. He never had any family, the state tried to put him in care, but they had no chance. He scared the other kids anyway, they thought he was a demon.
​

Instead of jumping off and exposing the back story, you could had tried go a bit more with the flow and explain things from his perspective rather than using the narrator.

So when you go back to edit this think about how you approach certain bits and pieces in your story. Could you have written them better?

“You gonna try and keep your clothes on tonight, you vain *******?” Jason asked as they went around the corner.

“Hey listen," Orion poked him in the ribs. "You got give the people what they want. Besides, don’t scold me cos you’re carrying extra timber tubby.” Orion poked Jason in the ribs and then danced away.

“That bloody hurt, you twat!” Jason protested, feigning injury.

“Oh shut it, and get down here!” Orion ordered as he jumped into the sewer.

“I’m coming!” Jason shouted.
​

Watch your exclamation marks. The dialogue can deliver the impact on its own. So trust your abilities. Another thing is that you're so obsessed of putting the actions and descriptions after the dialogue, when you could have written them at the beginning or at middle.

In the town of Febes, and pretty much all of the country Gorra, if you part of the generic underclass, you weren’t meant for show business. In fact, it was made illegal for the underclass to get into anything which requires artistic talent. The underclass were anyone considered to be imperfect, they were kept as dog’s bodies and nothing else. Orion was having none of it. He wanted fame, fortune and to play Mica to the world. He was a star. Though at the moment, he had to play in the sewers.
​

The beginning is too strong narrator but you cleverly do the switch at the end. So think about that beginning and how could connect it to the dialogue without using an outside narrator.

“Are you excited Jason?” Orion asked as he ran down.

“Oh yea, can’t you tell? It’s always so lovely down here.”

Orion grinned at his friend. “Boy you complain too much, this is the big city. This is f*cking show business baby!”

“Yeah, ain’t that the truth.”

They ran alongside rivers of ****, until they came to heavy metal door. It was ajar, and inside the opening stood Delilah. She adjusted her rap around shades, which had begun to slide down her nose, and looked at Orion and Jason as they approached.
​

Shades in the sewer? Why?

Also another piece of strong narrator. Is there a way where you write it coming from Jason's POV?

“You ladies forget your penises on the way out? Cos you’re late again, and we’ve done no sound check. “
​

Not good. You can do better.

Jason regarded, Orion with a look of disdain. “I’ll give you one guess why we’re late.” He said.

“You did it again?” Delilah fumed.

Orion blew the hair out of his eyes, and smiled triumphantly. “Course I did, I got in there, made Mica scream, and then the cops came after us. It was my sound check.”

“They’ll catch you one of these days, and then you’ll be dead!” Delilah yelled.

Orion smiled fiendishly. “Those stuffy prigs need to learn, what art is. And believe me, I’m going to teach them.”
​

Exclamation marks, grammar mistakes, strong narrator instead of using a character. Well mate I trust you can do better. This piece has some life in it but it's hiding under the crude surface at the moment. Fix it and people will like it.

Mate, sometimes I just like to throw stuff out there. It can be a bad habit but you know sometimes, I need to be pushed to be better.

 

[Hex]

Orion,[I don't like that comma] was one strange kid. He was mutant in a town of Pure Breads [<-- should this be 'Pure Breds'? and I wondered if you needed the capitals], which meant, [not a fan of that comma, either] he either found trouble or made it. People didn’t like him very much.
Maybe it was the bleach[-]white skin, maybe it was the tattoos or maybe he just pissed people off. [this last bit feels a bit like you're repeating "People didn't like him very much", which slows the fast and bouncy rhythm you have going on here] Whatever the reason, Orion was always running from someone.

“Where we playing tonight?” Jason asked, as they ran down the street.

“**** knows, that fat piece of ****, [no comma] we call a manager never said.[but a comma here rather than a full stop, because of the mysteries of dialogue punctuation]” Orion replied.

“Orion, there’s only one guy been ******** round here, and that’s you! You been dealt some dodgy gear, my friend.[comma, not full stop -- though I'm in at least two minds about 'swiped']” Jason swiped, as he flitted away.

“**** you, at least my penis isn’t purple.[comma, not full stop]” Orion blasted back.

[I don't really know what's going on. Possibly the stars don't help. Anyway, for me, I'm not hugely interested in this conversation because I don't understand it. Nice and snappy, though]

Orion and Jason had been part of a band since they were kids, which wasn’t a thing to do, in Febes. Mainly because the fat cats in the high skies, [no comma] didn’t want anyone thinking they could reach them. As a result, two types of people exist in Febes, those with talent and those without. The ground dwellers were the workforce, the sky dwellers were the ‘talented ones’. [okay -- so there are three levels? high skies/ sky dwellers/ ground dwellers? If there are only two levels -- sky dwellers/ ground dwellers -- then you need to reconsider the "as a result" because it doesn't make sense]

Had Orion had talent though, bags of it in fact, because unlike most ground dwellers, Orion was on the ground because nobody knew what else to do with him? [what? who are you asking? me? You've switched tense, I think] He fronted Orion, Delilah and the Starjammers. He had an axe called Mica, and voice that made women wet. He never had any family, the state tried to put him in care, but they had no chance. He scared the other kids anyway, they thought he was a demon. [so some of this is good stuff -- but there's a fair amount of it and it feels like notes to self you haven't worked into the story yet]

“You gonna try and keep your clothes on tonight, you vain *******?” Jason asked, as they rounded the corner.

“Hey listen, you got give the people what they want. Besides, don’t scold me cos you’re carrying extra timber tubby.” Orion poked Jason in the ribs and then danced away.

“That bloody hurt, you twat!” Jason protested, feigning injury. [you know -- I got the interplay back in their first conversation and I think it's too soon for more character development that way. I'd like something to happen]

“Oh shut it, and get down here!” Orion ordered as he jumped into the sewer. [I like that]

“I’m coming!” Jason shouted. [what difference would it make to things if you removed this line?]

In the town of Febes, and pretty much all of the country Gorra, if you [were/ are] part of the generic [generic?] underclass, you weren’t meant for show business. In fact, it was made illegal for the underclass to get into anything which requires artistic talent. [I understand why the tense is slipping between present and past, but I'm finding it difficult] The underclass were anyone considered to be imperfect, they were kept as dog’s bodies [dogsbodies] and nothing else. Orion was having none of it. He wanted fame, fortune and to play Mica to the world. He was a star. Though at the moment, he had to play in the sewers. [too much background for me -- most of this could be worked into action. It's currently getting right in the way of things happening]

“Are you excited Jason?” Orion asked as he ran down.

“Oh yea, can’t you tell? It’s always so lovely down here.”

Orion grinned at his friend. “Boy you complain too much, this is the big city.
This is fuckinng show business baby!”

“Yeah, ain’t that the truth.” [I wondered about the purpose of that dialogue]

They ran alongside rivers of ****, until they came to heavy metal door. It was ajar, and inside the opening stood Delilah. She adjusted her wrap rap around shades, which had begun to slide down her nose, and looked at Orion and Jason as they approached. [so have we switched to Delilah's POV?]

“You ladies forget your penises on the way out? Cos you’re late again, and we’ve done no sound check. “

Jason regarded, [no comma] Orion with a look of disdain. “I’ll give you one guess why we’re late.” He said. [dialogue needs to be punctuated like this: "...guess why we're late[comma]" [smallh] he said.]

“You did it again?” Delilah fumed.

Orion blew the hair out of his eyes, and smiled triumphantly. “Course I did, I got in there, made Mica scream, and then the cops came after us. It was my sound check.”

“They’ll catch you one of these days, and then you’ll be dead!” Delilah yelled.

Orion smiled fiendishly. “Those stuffy prigs need to learn, [no comma] what art is. And believe me, I’m going to teach them.”

So, I like a lot about the voice, the setting and I might like the characters (though probably not Orion because he sounds deeply irritating). For me, there's too much explanation/ back story right in the middle of the first scene -- I think you could show a lot of it or tell it in smaller chunks.

I'm not sure what the purpose of some of the dialogue is -- it seems to be there because that's what people would really do/ say. Problem is, though, that this kind of empty banter isn't very interesting to read -- it doesn't achieve anything or move the plot, as far as I can tell. Also, as Mouse said, your dialogue punctuation isn't perfect -- springs has a thing in the toolbox about it (and I started a gazillion threads when I was first here because I couldn't get my head round it at all).

Watch things like rap/ wrap and bread/ bred. I wasn't always sure where your sentences were going, either. Especially the stuff about the sky dwellers.

I think you should consider a comma cull.

There's a lot to like but it's not there yet. Best of luck with it. I wonder what the story is going to be, and I'm interested to find out.

Mate, sometimes I just like to throw stuff out there. It can be a bad habit but you know sometimes, I need to be pushed to be better.

Deep breaths... calm thoughts... deep breaths... calm thoughts...

 

[The Judge]

No combat muffins, Hex, but would a pile of shuriken pancakes do?

Stephen, we ask that members who put work up for critique do so after they have spent time polishing the piece, not before. It isn't just a bad habit to throw stuff out here, it's bordering on the disrespectful to other members who may spend a great deal of time and effort in correcting elementary mistakes which could easily have been caught before posting. If a new idea comes upon you and you're in a rush to get feedback and you simply can't wait (though, frankly, I can't see what the rush would be even then), at least preface the piece with an apology, so that people can try and ignore the basic errors which you know about to concentrate on the story or the idea.

The point of Critiques is to for members to improve their writing by getting feedback on their work, not simply to throw stuff out there.

 

[kromanjon]

Ok. Quick reply. You do raise some interesting questions regarding setting but appart from that the piece seems a bit juvenile. I usually don't have any problem with cursing but here it seems forced and inconsistent (someone using the f-word then using the word twat just seems wierd to me).

The characters are good at mouthing of but I can't find anything likeable about them. Honestly they seem like stereotypical punk kids to me and kind of two dimensional being rebelious and... Well that's about the only trait I found to them.

I do like a story that opens with action but perhaps you could find another scene that shows more of you characters likeable qualities as well.

 

[JoanDrake]

I found it very interesting in spots but, frankly, a little stereotypical and forced in others. I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't have sounded less so if it wasn't gone over a little

These two paras:

Orion and Jason had been part of a band since they were kids, which wasn’t a
thing to do, in Febes. Mainly because the fat cats in the high skies, didn’t
want anyone thinking they could reach them. As a result, two types of people
exist in Febes, those with talent and those without. The ground dwellers were
the workforce, the sky dwellers were the ‘talented ones’.

In the town of Febes, and pretty much all of the country Gorra, if you part
of the generic underclass, you weren’t meant for show business. In fact, it was
made illegal for the underclass to get into anything which requires artistic
talent. The underclass were anyone considered to be imperfect, they were kept as
dog’s bodies and nothing else. Orion was having none of it. He wanted fame,
fortune and to play Mica to the world. He was a star. Though at the moment, he
had to play in the sewers.

basically repeat each other, do they not? and could easily have been combined and considerably tightened.

 

[subtletylost]

I read through this twice and the whole thing seems very, very juvenile, like something the freshmen at my school would do on the weekend. It all reads as very tween-age to me. Especially the mixed degree of cuss words. I'm not going to comment on the grammar, because it has already been discussed too much.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Some people may not find your characters and their world interesting or sympathetic, but others may.
The main point that struck me when reading this was that oppressors don't generally care a jot abut the oppressed having notions of being talented. They only care lest the oppressed produce work that might be seen as having subversive tendencies.