Another fantasy novel opener, 300w

[Cosmic Geoff]

A month or two ago I found in the attic a short fantasy novel that I wrote many years ago in my youth, and had a skim through it. One short section jumped out as being interesting, and is reproduced below, but the rest of it was rather tedious reading, and best returned to obscurity.
I was curious to find out what y’all thought of this excerpt. As you will see, the novel opening consists of a whole page of character description, so I’d be interested to know for future reference how well this kind of thing works.
-----------------------------
Chapter One Page One (from early fantasy novel).

Dark-haired she sat by a tall stone window, staring out over a landscape tinged by the luminous blue and coral skies of evening. Some said she was a child; others said she was a woman, for while a childish awkwardness often marred her movements, her body was rounding out into womanly form, with full curves of flesh where none had been a year ago. Her moods were changeable as clouds. Sometimes, like the city and plain below, her spirits were bright and sunny, at other times black, at other times filled with strange pastel shadows.

Often a spirit of rebellion came upon her. Her struggles against the confines of her position flung her into sullen battles with aunts and nursemaids. She would not do the needlework that was given her, and she complained that she was bored. She wounded them with her bitterness. Nothing would please her. Majara quarrelled too with her father the King-Emperor, remaining on good terms only with her young maids and confidants.

She was shy of young men, yet had confidence enough to leave ambassadors and high officers of the Empire kneeling at her feet, kissing her onyx ring, till she bade them rise.

Her days were spent in the great sprawling mud-brick palace of the Zircons, which crouched atop the city mound above the high-walled Imperial capital, Calah. The Palace, with its five thousand rooms and corridors, its flagged courts and cool, moist gardens, was her world. The City, with its marble palaces of the Overlords, its elegant plazas in the upper quarters, and its narrow alleys and foetid slums below was a forbidden land to her, seen only from afar.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hi, I'm a a picky person, so forgive.

To me it didn't work I'm afraid. There were too many contradictions.

Girl/woman, for a start.

Having said that, there were some great lines in there, it's just they don't seem to work together. See below:-

A month or two ago I found in the attic a short fantasy novel that I wrote many years ago in my youth, and had a skim through it. One short section jumped out as being interesting, and is reproduced below, but the rest of it was rather tedious reading, and best returned to obscurity.

I was curious to find out what y’all thought of this excerpt. As you will see, the novel opening consists of a whole page of character description, so I’d be interested to know for future reference how well this kind of thing works.
-----------------------------
Chapter One Page One (from early fantasy novel).

Dark-haired she sat by a tall stone window (liked the invocation, but not as a first line in a piece. Now for the pickies - Tall stone window in a mud palace?), staring out over a landscape tinged by the luminous blue and coral skies of evening. (nice, but coral skies could be any colour of the rainbow) Some said she was a child; others said she was a woman, (really picky now. This is a princess or some such - everyone would know what she was and what she was to be 'considered' as) for while a childish awkwardness often marred her movements, her body was rounding out into womanly form, with full curves of flesh where none had been a year ago. (so, a teenager then) Her moods were changeable as clouds. Sometimes, like the city and plain below, her spirits were bright and sunny, at other times black, at other times filled with strange pastel shadows.

Often a spirit of rebellion came upon her. Her struggles against the confines of her position flung her into sullen battles with aunts and nursemaids. She would not do the needlework that was given her, and she complained that she was bored. She wounded them with her bitterness. Nothing would please her. Majara (strange place to introduce the name - plus Majara seems a bit close to Majarina and the like) quarrelled too with her father the King-Emperor, remaining on good terms only with her young maids and confidants.

She was shy of young men, yet had confidence enough to leave ambassadors and high officers of the Empire kneeling at her feet, kissing her onyx ring, till she bade them rise.

Her days were spent in the great sprawling mud-brick palace (having introduced the cloud mataphor - suggesting a place that can be cloudy then it jars heavily IMO with the concept of a 'mud' palace - especially when they have much better materials to hand - marble etc.) of the Zircons, which crouched stood proudly atop the city mound above the high-walled Imperial capital, Calah. The Palace, with its five thousand rooms and corridors, its flagged courts and cool, moist gardens, was her world. The City, with its marble palaces of the Overlords, its elegant plazas in the upper quarters, and its narrow alleys and foetid slums below was a forbidden land to her, seen only from afar.

In conclusion, some good individual lines, image provoking and descriptive, but as a whole it needs some work IMO.

Hope I helped.

TEiN

 

[Bowler1]

For me this is mostly author telling with nothing actually coming from the character. So there is lots discussed, and plenty of description, but it’s all distant from the character and because of this not all that engaging - for me, others might think different.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Chapter One Page One (from early fantasy novel).

Dark-haired she sat by a tall stone window, staring out over a landscape tinged by the luminous blue and coral skies of evening. Some said she was a child;not keen on that semi others said she was a woman, for while a childish awkwardness often marred her movements, her body was rounding out into womanly form, with full curves of flesh where none had been a year ago. Her moods were changeable as clouds. Sometimes, like the city and plain below, her spirits were bright and sunny, at other times black, at other times filled with strange pastel shadows.all telling so far, with nothing happening. I'm okay with scene setting, though, and I'd go on another wee bit, but I'm on a site at the mo where the first 250 words and a single query is what you have to sell your work on, and you have taken about 100 to tell me she's a teenager, sitting at a window at dusk. Now, I'm not sure I personally agree with the snappiness that is currently being looked for, but it's the game that's out there if you're wanting to trawl for an agent.

Often a spirit of rebellion came upon her. Her struggles against the confines of her position flung her into sullen battles with aunts and nursemaids. She would not do the needlework that was given her, and she complained that she was bored. She wounded them with her bitterness. Nothing would please her. Majara quarrelled too with her father the King-Emperor, remaining on good terms only with her young maids and confidants.Now, I'm getting to the point where the telling is doing nothing for me. Could she toss her needlework to the side, or deliberately smirk at the stitch she put in wrong? Something to show us this rebellion, even if it's small.

She was shy of young men, yet had confidence enough to leave ambassadors and high officers of the Empire kneeling at her feet, kissing her onyx ring, till she bade them rise.

Her days were spent in the great sprawling mud-brick palace of the Zircons, which crouched atop the city mound above the high-walled Imperial capital, Calah. The Palace, with its five thousand rooms and corridors, its flagged courts and cool, moist gardens, was her world. The City, with its marble palaces of the Overlords, its elegant plazas in the upper quarters, and its narrow alleys and foetid slums below was a forbidden land to her, seen only from afar.

The writing was fine, nice and tidy. There was a nice scene painted, but there was no action, all telling and nothing to make me buy into her or the world. Personally, I think, if you're asking for feedback on whether the style works, the market is against you at the moment: they want something to happen (even something slow), an action, a voice, and they want it from the first line, practically. I'm not saying they're right, but it's what is selling, by and large.

 

[Glen]

It's a great germ of a story, and good language. Kepp trying to take it out to a full story. Learn as you go. Keep posting sections here - let us see how you are going with it.

 

[Stephen4444]

I was curious to find out what y’all thought of this excerpt. As you will see, the novel opening consists of a whole page of character description, so I’d be interested to know for future reference how well this kind of thing works.

(OPINION) I think you have something with the character, but... I think a page of description is a bit much for me. If you could stretch it out and scatter a hook, (or two,) along with part of the story... that would be great.

Dark-haired she sat by a tall stone window, staring out over a landscape tinged by the luminous blue and coral skies of evening. Some said she was a child; others said she was a woman, for while a childish awkwardness often marred her movements, her body was rounding out into womanly form, with full curves of flesh where none had been a year ago. Her moods were changeable as clouds. Sometimes, like the city and plain below, her spirits were bright and sunny, at other times black, at other times filled with strange pastel shadows.

I feel, this is Good Stuff... but needs a little work.

Often a spirit of rebellion came upon her. Her struggles against the confines of her position flung her into sullen battles with aunts and nursemaids. She would not do the needlework that was given her, and she complained that she was bored. She wounded them with her bitterness. Nothing would please her. Majara quarrelled too with her father the King-Emperor, remaining on good terms only with her young maids and confidants.

I feel, that in the second paragraph, I was a bit turned off... when you mentioned the aunts and nursemaids. It may be, that in the first paragraph, I was picturing her as something; (or someone else.) An independent soul, young and vibrant; not rebelling against a pampered lifestyle. I start to look at her as a spoiled brat... which may be what you want, but I was looking froward to a strong vivacious character. Someone with cult of personality.

She was shy of young men, yet had confidence enough to leave ambassadors and high officers of the Empire kneeling at her feet, kissing her onyx ring, till she bade them rise.

Ditto what I said above...

Her days were spent in the great sprawling mud-brick palace of the Zircons, which crouched atop the city mound above the high-walled Imperial capital, Calah. The Palace, with its five thousand rooms and corridors, its flagged courts and cool, moist gardens, was her world. The City, with its marble palaces of the Overlords, its elegant plazas in the upper quarters, and its narrow alleys and foetid slums below was a forbidden land to her, seen only from afar.

I feel, the last bit of description was "grand," but in a good way.

 

[kromanjon]

I liked the first paragraph as a description but the rest felt like filler to me. I wouldn't open the story with this much exposition, some kind of conflict should probably be part of the first paragraph in any story independent of length. The description however should be part of the first chapter, maybe even the first page.

Now, spirit of rebellion, confident but shy around young men, all that could be shown instead of told.

I like the language though. Very vivid with a kind of fairy-tale feel to it.

 

[Tecdavid]

Dark-haired she sat by a tall stone window, staring out over a landscape tinged by the luminous blue and coral skies of evening. Some said she was a child; others said she was a woman, for while a childish awkwardness often marred her movements, her body was rounding out into womanly form, with full curves of flesh where none had been a year ago. Her moods were changeable as clouds. Sometimes, like the city and plain below, her spirits were bright and sunny, at other times black, at other times filled with strange pastel shadows. The opening sentences, while well-written, could come over as Purple Prose to some. That said, the description of the character is well handled, I think. Maybe her moods and personality should be showcased through interaction with others, rather than described, but I suppose it's alright if you're just emphasising her transition to womanhood, and the affects that has on a girl.

Often a spirit of rebellion came upon her. Her struggles against the confines of her position flung her into sullen battles with aunts and nursemaids. She would not do the needlework that was given her, and she complained that she was bored. She wounded them with her bitterness. Nothing would please her. Majara quarrelled too with her father the King-Emperor, remaining on good terms only with her young maids and confidants. I've often heard it said that traits like these (like the moodiness mentioned earlier) are best shown, not told. Maybe she could spend this paragraph sulking to herself over that needlework, so we can see into her thoughts, instead of just having her distaste for needlework narrated to us? I did get the feeling she was upper-class, though, thanks to the writing style, so that's very well handled.

She was shy of young men, yet had confidence enough to leave ambassadors and high officers of the Empire kneeling at her feet, kissing her onyx ring, till she bade them rise. Works well for emphasising her place in power.

Her days were spent in the great sprawling mud-brick palace of the Zircons, which crouched atop the city mound above the high-walled Imperial capital, Calah. The Palace, with its five thousand rooms and corridors, its flagged courts and cool, moist gardens, was her world. The City, with its marble palaces of the Overlords, its elegant plazas in the upper quarters, and its narrow alleys and foetid slums below was a forbidden land to her, seen only from afar. I personally enjoy that bit of area description. It's understandable that we might not see those things in a scene for a while, or maybe at all, so it does well to put an initial idea of the setting into the reader's head. All I would mention, however, is the idea a 'mud-brick palace' puts into my head. is that a palace literally made from mud, or am I mistaken? If it is, then it does clash a little with how elegant the rest of the place sounds.

You say you wrote this when you were younger? I think it’s really quite good, actually, so it’d be interesting to see well you’ve come on since.

 

[JoanDrake]

I agree with most of the above but with more emphasis on some parts. This is a very good and engaging description both of the Princess and her surroundings. I especially liked the way you used colors to convey her changing moods You should not delay in using it as it can be very helpful in setting the mood of the whole story.

The 5000 room castle is as good as an non-action hook can be. I can't wait for when you have her remember how she got lost in it as a little girl and stumbled upon something which turns out to be very important later, or something like that

However, the rule is that an active hook should be as close to the beginning as possible, even right in the first line if you can.

"It was exactly 12:00 when the clock tower flew away" That is, (to my best memory) considered the archetypal example of what a good hook should be. (Written in the 1930's by Cyril Kornbluth, I think)

 

[ratsy]

Dark-haired she sat by a tall stone window, staring out over a landscape tinged by the luminous blue and coral skies of evening. Some said she was a child; others said she was a woman, for while a childish awkwardness often marred her movements, her body was rounding out into womanly form, with full curves of flesh where none had been a year ago. Her moods were changeable as clouds. Sometimes, like the city and plain below, her spirits were bright and sunny, at other times black, at other times filled with strange pastel shadows.

Often a spirit of rebellion came upon her. Her struggles against the confines of her position flung her into sullen battles with aunts and nursemaids. She would not do the needlework that was given her, and she complained that she was bored. She wounded them with her bitterness. Nothing would please her. Majara quarrelled too with her father the King-Emperor, remaining on good terms only with her young maids and confidants.

She was shy of young men, yet had confidence enough to leave ambassadors and high officers of the Empire kneeling at her feet, kissing her onyx ring, till she bade them rise.

It felt like the sentences were too long. They felt a little forced to me.

Some said she was a child; others said she was a woman, for while a childish awkwardness often marred her movements, her body was rounding out into womanly form, with full curves of flesh where none had been a year ago.

This sentence runs on. After a semi-colon, there are 3 comas. I would just suggest a few more breaks in the into.

 

[The Judge]

I share the others' concerns that throughout this we are being told things when it would make for a more involving story if much of it were to be shown. Having said that, I quite liked the narrator's voice here, so that might be another way to experiment -- making the narrator as much of a character as the rest of them. I tell you what might work, too, if this were to be a story within a story -- for me there's a feel of a story-teller at the camp-fire and everyone listening spell-bound as he tells them about this beautiful, wilful, girl.

A couple of things tripped me up though:

The very opening line Dark-haired she sat by a tall stone window -- so if she were blonde she'd be sitting by the fire, would she? The two ideas are completely separate and yoking them together in the same sentence like this is, well, odd to say the least. I get the impression you were after an archaic feel by opening this way, which is fine, but I think you need to complete it as "Dark-haired she was, and she sat..."

Majara quarrelled too -- I'd put commas around "too"

her young maids and confidants -- if they are women, as I assume, it's more usual to feminise the word as confidantes.

I hope you take it further -- I like the sound of the Palace!

 

[stephen.samuels]

For me, you need to speak as your character would. If she is teenager as your narration suggest, use that to your advantage. Use her voice and not your own. Put her conflict at the center of your opening and then build the description around that, it will give a better context, I think.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

I note that a number of critics feel that this doesn't have enough action, and isn't sufficiently character-centered for today's tastes. Fair enough.
I wrote this a very long time ago, and was influenced by authors who in turn didn't face today's pressure to have a lot happen on the first page. And as for the somewhat archaic and mannered prose, as you have doubtless guessed I still like that sort of thing, but I'd have to make an effort to write in this style today. It might be fun to try though.

As I said in the introduction, when I re-read this old novel, this excerpt was one of the few bits that seemed to have any merit.

If you're interested in what I might have done since, have a look through the forum for my nickname. My current WIP, comprising several linked fantasy novels, is a third-generation descendant of this early novel. One of the current novels has a more grown-up version of Majara in it, plus a few recognisable scenes from near the end. The others have retained only the same world and a small number of character and place names. And I dropped the mud-brick

 

[tinkerdan]

Hi Cosmic,



I rather liked the introduction of the character in the intro of the story. She sounds rather multi layered.



I did have some weird issue with the beginning as:: Dark-haired.



Unless you are using it for some metaphor for her mood- which would be genius here- I'm not sure if it needs something or just doesn't need the Dark-haired.



It almost seems to need a stop or something or at least I keep putting one there.



I do like this character would like to see more.

 

[Rolynd]

I liked your writing, it's smooth and has a classical feel to it. If you can keep it up when the action starts then you'd have a good "voice" I think.

I'm not sure of a couple of things though. Is it a good idea to start a story with a chunk of description? I personally don't think so, even if it is nice writing.

Also with characterisation, (although there's no evidence that you would do this long term from such a small extract) there is a danger that authors, who already know the characters inside out in their heads, try to skip character development by just telling people what their characters are like and then expect the reader to feel the same way about them. The better and more effective way is to SHOW what these characters are like by their actions, then affection or antagonism grows naturally in a reader and they don't have to just take the narrator's word for it. I'm not talking big story points, just something as simple as an action or a gesture. A tilted head and a coquettish smile shows us a character is confident, aware of their own attractiveness, flirty without being ditzy a rude brush off to a servant shows arrogance, disregard for others, sense of superiority. Something that would take half a page to tell is shown with a couple of added words, and the story moves along at the same time.

I may well be teaching you to suck eggs here as I said, as this is only a small excerpt but just in case its worth bearing in mind.

Chapter One Page One (from early fantasy novel).

Dark-haired she sat by a tall stone window, staring out over a landscape tinged by the luminous blue and coral skies of evening. Some said she was a child; others said she was a woman, for while a childish awkwardness often marred her movements, her body was rounding out into womanly form, with full curves of flesh where none had been a year ago. Her moods were changeable as clouds. Sometimes, like the city and plain below, her spirits were bright and sunny, at other times black, at other times filled with strange pastel shadows. I like this paragraph, final sentence maybe a bit clunky?

Often a spirit of rebellion came upon her. Her struggles against the confines of her position flung her into sullen battles "flung, battle" and "sullen" bit of an oxymoron? Sullen suggests passive-aggressive rather than flung into battle. with aunts and nursemaids. She would not do the needlework that was given her, and she complained that she was bored. She wounded them with her bitterness. Nice. Nothing would please her. Majara quarrelled too with her father the King-Emperor, remaining on good terms only with her young maids and confidants.

She was shy of young men, yet had confidence enough to leave ambassadors and high officers of the Empire kneeling at her feet, kissing her onyx ring, till she bade them rise.

Her days were spent in the great sprawling mud-brick lose mud, as others have said, it doesn't convey the grandeur of the rest of the paragraph. palace of the Zircons, which crouched atop the city mound above the high-walled Imperial capital, Calah. The Palace, with its five thousand rooms and corridors, its flagged courts and cool, moist gardens, was her world. The City, with its marble palaces of the Overlords, its elegant plazas in the upper quarters, and its narrow alleys and foetid slums below was a forbidden land to her, seen only from afar. Again I feel this last sentence is a bit clunky, but I don't really have a good reason why other than general sound of it! So not very constructive there, maybe a proper grammar and punctuation chap could help.

Hope some of this is useful! Goes without saying all is my personal opinion so could be a load of rubbish.

Edit: Missed your last post which basically addressed all the points I just made lol! Sorry