Telephone questions???

[Bowler1]

I'm trying some new stuff with telephone conversations and I'm hoping it's working. Anyway, over to you guys, enjoy hopefully.

# # #

It was the first really dark night in weeks as The Hunter and The Bear were in their day cycle and heavy clouds blowing in from the sea filled the night sky. It had started to rain and Sergeant Ais-Ible had been keeping to the shelter of the arches under the central tower and close to the small comforts of his duty office, snapping at his soldiers tokeep them moving.

‘Sergeant, there is a dispatch rider coming,’ said the Guard facing the inner courtyard.

‘The tides almost in, he can’t cross the causeway now,’ replied Ais-Ible, not even bothering to look up.

‘Yes, Serge.’

The motorbike came to a halt in the shelter of the central tower and the Guard challenged the rider. Ais-Ible turned away, the whistle of his small kettle coming to the boil calling him. His duty office was warm and cosy as he got his brew on, spitting into his mug and wiping it with a cloth that felt damp.

The Guard poked his head into the office, looking worried. ‘Sorry, Serge, the dispatch rider wants to see you.’

‘I’m busy, you deal with it.’

‘He has orders from the General, or so he says.’

‘The Tempter,’ snapped Ais-Ible, putting his mug down heavily. ‘This better be good.’ He pushed roughly passed the Guard, growling at him. ‘You, turn that engine off.’

The puttering growl died away and the dispatch rider took his helmet and goggles off. ‘Alright, mate.’

‘Tual-Tac,’ gasped Ais-Ible, ‘what the #### are you doing on a motorbike?’

‘Orders from Major Ount-Boo and some urgent errand for the General,’ replied Tual-Tac, handing his helmet to Ais-Ible.

‘I don’t want that thing.’

‘Hold on to it while I get my orders out,’ growled Tual-Tac. ‘I’m not very good on this thing.’

Ais-Ible took the helmet and passed it behind him to the Guard standing nearby. ‘Orders or not, the tides coming in.You’re too late.’

‘That will suit me, write that down forme and I’ll take the orders back,’ said Tual-Tac, handing his papers over.

Ais-Ible studied the paperwork and it looked correct. ‘All it says is that you’re to cross the causeway, nothing else.’

‘Aye,’ replied Tual-Tac, smiling. ‘They didn’t tell me why, mate.’

‘Who’s they?’

Tual-Tac huffed, pulling a face. ‘The lot of them, Ount-Boo, Bemin and the bloody General, they’re all having dinner together. So if the tides in, you write it up, or come back with me and tell them yourself.’

Unsure what to do, Ais-Ible studied the orders again. ‘The Tempter.’

‘Aye, I’m not happy about it myself,’ said Tual-Tac, nodding toward the damp cobbles behind him. ‘It’s ####ing rain and I’ve been on duty all day. Sign that, and I’m well out of it.’

Looking at the orders again, Ais-Ible ripped off the cover sheet he needed for his log and handed them back toTual-Tac. ‘A bit of rain won’t kill ya, now will it?’

‘Aye, that’s what Ount-Boo said as well.’

Ais-Ible laughed and gestured forTual-Tac’s helmet and stuff to be returned to him. ‘I’ll call it through to the main gate and the causeway, I’ll see you later.’

With just a nod from Tual-Tac, Ais-Ible returned to his little office and poured hot water to brew his Binat. As he picked up the telephone the motorbike roared into life and out into the weather. ‘Hello, who’s that?’

‘CorporalSte-Lot, what can I do for you, Sergeant?’

Ste-Lot, another keen young lad that annoyed Ais-Ible and there were more like him every year. ‘There’s an urgent dispatch rider on way, and I want him passed through quick so the tide doesn’t get him.’

‘Yes,Sergeant, I’ll see to it.’

‘Good,’ replied Ais-Ible, hanging up the telephone.

Ais-Ible poured his drink and took a first careful sip, but it was too hot yet. Putting his mug aside, he got his duty log down and started to file Tual-Tac’s orders away. Something caught his eye; the signature was not right, close, but different. He nibbled his talon, thinking - trying to decide.

Picking up the telephone again, he called the main gate. The receiver purred, and purred, and purred; the wait worried him.

‘Hello.’

‘Corporal, has that dispatch rider gone through?’

‘Yeah, just now, Sergeant.’

Ais-Ible slammed the receiver back down.‘The ******* Tempter.’ Dialing again he called the next checkpoint.

‘Causeway.’

‘This is Sergeant Ais-Ible, gatehouse in the central tower, who’s this?’

‘Sergeant Win-Tok.’

‘There’s a dispatch rider crossing, Iwant him stopped and held, is that clear?’

‘Yes.’

‘Call me back when you have him.’

‘Yes,Sergeant.’

A thunk and the line buzzed with inactivity. Glancing at the signature one last time, he turned and shouted at his Guard. ‘You, get in here.’

A couple of quick foot steps and the Guard joined him in the duty office. ‘Yes, Serge.’

‘I want you to find Major Ount-Boo and ask him if has issued orders to Tual-Tac tonight,’ said Ais-Ible, pointing withhis talon. ‘You understand?’

‘Huh, Tual-Tac,’ grunted the Guard.

‘Don’t yank my ******* tail,’ snapped Ais-Ible. ‘Find Ount-Boo and ask him if he has issued orders or not.’

‘Yes, Serge,’ replied the Guard, beating a hasty retreat.

Growling into the small and now empty office, Ais-Ible sipped his drink while still looking at the signature. Putting the order aside, he rubbed his snout, waiting for the telephone to ring. His little fire popped and crackled and the clock on the wall ticked loudly; time was passing slowly for Ais-Ible.

The telephone dinged into life giving him a fright, and he quickly reached for it. ‘Who is this?’

‘Sergeant Win-Tok here. The tides come in and there’s no rider.’

‘Can you search the shore?’

‘Are you asking me to?’

Ais-Ible paused, weighing up his options. ‘Aye, get to it.’

‘It will take me a while to get the guard out and my captain will have to be told.’

‘I know,’ replied Ais-Ible, into a line that was already dead.

Replacing the receiver and sighing heavily Ais-Ible finished his drink, putting his mug aside. He could hear the sound of boots on the cobbles coming nearer and turned around in time to see Ount-Boo enter the duty office. ‘Sir,’ said Ais-Ible, snapping out a quick salute.

‘Sergeant,’ replied Ount-Boo, slurring his words a little. ‘Tell me what’s happening?’

‘Have you issued orders to Sergeant Tual-Tac giving him permission to leave the fort?’

‘No.’

The ******* Tempter thought Ais-Ible, silently cursing his luck as Major Ount-Boo glared, his fur starting to bristle.

 

[The Judge]

Bowler, the software has done its thing of joining odd words together, so you might want to go through and just separate them all out again to save everyone's eyes and comprehension. (And while you're about it, change that "there" in the first line to "their"... )

 

[Bowler1]

Bowler, the software has done its thing of joining odd words together, so you might want to go through and just separate them all out again to save everyone's eyes and comprehension. (And while you're about it, change that "there" in the first line to "their"... )

I was trying to beat you to it, but too slow as ever.

I wondered about "there/their" - I've taken yours, but are moons "their"?

 

[The Judge]

Definitely "their" -- "there" is something else entirely! (I won't go there; there you are etc) In the singular form we differentiate objects from people by using it instead of he and she but in the plural we only have "they" which covers everyone and everything, and it's the same for its/her/his which in the plural is "their".

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

The telephone conversation sounds natural to me, except for a little quibble I have with one line:

‘There’s an urgent dispatch rider on way, and I want him passed through quick so the tide doesn’t get him.’

My problem is with the "and" because I think he wouldn't use any unnecessary words here, and I think two short sentences without the "and" would suit the urgency of the situation.

 

[Boneman]

The phone bits are fine, and easy to follow, so no problem there. One nitpick is that I feel it should be 'Sarge', because otherwise I read it phonetically as 'surge' (Serge). P'raps more opinon on that, from others?

On another note, I'm a little worried about the names, as I'm not sure how much further I could continue to read without forgetting who was whom - 'twas a little distracting, because everything else in your world is easily recognisable: guards, causeways, motorbikes, kettles whistling, despatch rider, Sergeant, General, Captain, helmet paperwork, telephone and so on. It's as though furry aliens have taken over our world. Maybe they have?? Be difficult to work the clutch without an opposible digit...

 

[Bowler1]

A good spot Teresa and without sounding rude, I have been fiddling with it! There has been and "and", and it has been two short lines as well. I'll fiddle back.

Ok, Sarge, it does sound better and easily fixed with the power of grayskull... ahem, microsoft. Most of the names have been introduced slowly so I'm hoping the reader has got used to them, but what's in a name. If a publisher has the same problem, no problem, they'll get changed (assuming any ever show an interest).

As to the missing digit and clutch, who cares about evolution, minor details.

What I've done is avoided speech tags surrounding the telephone replies, which I just wrote. When editing it felt right to me, but then I started thinking and worrying etc. So the missing speech tags are not a problem, and either are digits, who needs fingers?

 

[hopewrites]

Talons and fur? the scene started as something out of a world war two movie for me (sorry only war movies I've seen) but by the end it was something out of Redwall. Which I liked, but eventually stopped reading as animals and just read as people.

Personally I'd play up the animistic traits so the talons and fur don't feel like a little rap on the head for forgetting that you have a cast of animals.

I've got nothing useful to add where you had questions, because it just didn't raise any for me.

 

[Bowler1]

I had to look up Redwall, they sound like fun books. There is a plot line where the furry aliens are compared to us hairy humans, so this is why I'm making my aliens feel human - also, it's easier to write!

But thank you.

 

[Boneman]

What I've done is avoided speech tags surrounding the telephone replies, which I just wrote. When editing it felt right to me, but then I started thinking and worrying etc. So the missing speech tags are not a problem, and either are digits, who needs fingers?

Absolutely, didn't even think twice, because you'd directed us very well, and I saw and heard it as a telephone call without any problem at all.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

It was the first really dark night in weeks asthe as made me twitch, because it could mean at the stars were causing the dark nights (which is what you want) or that the stars were appearing on a dark night. I'd prefer because, although the rhythm isn't as nice with it, but it is clearer. It's a nit, though. The Hunter and The Bear were in their day cycle and heavy clouds blowing in from the sea filled the night sky. It had started to rain and Sergeant Ais-Ible had been keeping to the shelter of the arches under the central tower and close to the small comforts of his duty office,maybe a new sentence and he snapped. Otherwise it sounds like he was keeping in shelter, and snapping continously? snapping at his soldiers tokeep them moving.

‘Sergeant, there is a dispatch rider coming,’ said the Guardwhy the capital? Is it a rank? facing the inner courtyard.

‘The tides almost in, he can’t cross the causeway now,’ replied Ais-Ible, not even bothering to look up.

‘Yes, Serge.’

The motorbike came to a halt in the shelter of the central tower and the Guard challenged the rider. Ais-Ible turned away, the whistle of his small kettle coming to the boil calling him. His duty office was warm and cosy as he got his brew on, spitting into his mug and wiping it with a cloth that felt dampOk, dense me this morning. Why is he standing out in the rain under shelter when he has a guard to do that, and he could stay in his office?

The Guard poked his head into the office, looking worried. ‘Sorry, Serge, the dispatch rider wants to see you.’

‘I’m busy, you deal with it.’

‘He has orders from the General, or so he says.’

‘The Tempter,’ snapped Ais-Ible, putting his mug down heavily. ‘This better be good.’ He pushed roughly passed the Guard, growling at him. ‘You, turn that engine off.’

The puttering growlthis growl, after Ais-Ible has just growled threw me. Maybe change the one above? died away and the dispatch rider took his helmet and goggles off. ‘Alright, mate.’

‘Tual-Tac,’ gasped Ais-Ible, ‘what the #### are you doing on a motorbike?’

‘Orders from Major Ount-Boo and some urgent errand for the General,’ replied Tual-Tac, handing his helmet to Ais-Ible.

‘I don’t want that thing.’

‘Hold on to it while I get my orders out,’ growledanother growl - is it because of their species? Do they growl a lot? Tual-Tac. ‘I’m not very good on this thing.’

Ais-Ible took the helmet and passed it behind him to the Guard standing nearby - I think you could cut. ‘Orders or not, the tidestide's: it's a contraction of tide is? coming in.You’re too late.’

‘That will suit me, write that down forme? and I’ll take the orders back,’ said Tual-Tac, handing his papers over.

Ais-Ible studied the paperwork and it looked correct. ‘All it says is that you’re to cross the causeway, nothing else.’

‘Aye,’ replied Tual-Tac, smiling. ‘They didn’t tell me why, mate.’

‘Who’s they?’

Tual-Tac huffed, pulling a face. ‘The lot of them, Ount-Boo, Bemin and the bloody General, they’re all having dinner together. So if the tide's in, you write it up, or come back with me and tell them yourself.’

Unsure what to do, Ais-Ible studied the orders again. ‘The Tempter.’

‘Aye, I’m not happy about it myself,’ said Tual-Tac, nodding toward the damp cobbles behind him. ‘It’s ####ing rain and I’ve been on duty all day. Sign that, and I’m well out of it.’

Looking at the orders again, Ais-Ible ripped off the cover sheet he needed for his log and handed them back toTual-Tac. ‘A bit of rain won’t kill ya, now will it?’

‘Aye, that’s what Ount-Boo said as well.’

Ais-Ible laughed and gestured forTual-Tac’s helmet and stuff to be returned to him. ‘I’ll call it through to the main gate and the causeway, I’ll see you later.’

With just a nod from Tual-Tac, Ais-Ible returned to his little office and poured hot water to brew his Binat. As he picked up the telephone the motorbike roared into life and out into the weather. ‘Hello, who’s that?’

‘CorporalSte-Lot, what can I do for you, Sergeant?’

Ste-Lot, another keen young lad that annoyed Ais-Ible and there were more like him every year. ‘There’s an urgent dispatch rider on way, and I want him passed through quick so the tide doesn’t get him.’

‘Yes,Sergeant, I’ll see to it.’

‘Good,’ replied Ais-Ible, hanging up the telephone.

Ais-Ible poured his drink and took a first careful sip, but it was too hot yet. Putting his mug aside, he got his duty log down and started to file Tual-Tac’s orders away. Something caught his eye; the signature was not right, close, but different. He nibbled his talon, thinking - trying to decide.

Picking up the telephone again, he called the main gate. The receiver purred, and purred, and purred; the wait worried him.

‘Hello.’

‘Corporal, has that dispatch rider gone through?’

‘Yeah, just now, Sergeant.’

Ais-Ible slammed the receiver back down.‘The ******* Tempter.’ Dialing again he called the next checkpoint.

‘Causeway.’

‘This is Sergeant Ais-Ible, gatehouse in the central tower, who’s this?’

‘Sergeant Win-Tok.’

‘There’s a dispatch rider crossing, Iwant him stopped and held, is that clear?’

‘Yes.’

‘Call me back when you have him.’

‘Yes,Sergeant.’

A thunk and the line buzzed with inactivity. Glancing at the signature one last time, he turned and shouted at his Guard. ‘You, get in here.’

A couple of quick foot steps and the Guard joined him in the duty office. ‘Yes, Serge.’

‘I want you to find Major Ount-Boo and ask him if has issued orders to Tual-Tac tonight,’ said Ais-Ible, pointing withhis talon. ‘You understand?’

‘Huh, Tual-Tac,’ grunted the Guard.Don't understand the relevance of this line? Is he challenging authority?

‘Don’t yank my ******* tail,’ snapped Ais-Ible. ‘Find Ount-Boo and ask him if he has issued orders or not.’

‘Yes, Serge,’ replied the Guard, beating a hasty retreat.

Growling into the small and now empty office, Ais-Ible sipped his drink while still looking at the signature. Putting the order aside, he rubbed his snout, waiting for the telephone to ring. His little fire popped and crackled and the clock on the wall ticked loudly; time was passing slowly for Ais-Ible - you've shown this well, maybe drop this telling line?.

The telephone dinged into life giving him a fright, and he quickly reached for it. ‘Who is this?’

‘Sergeant Win-Tok here. The tidestide has? come in and there’s no rider.’

‘Can you search the shore?’

‘Are you asking me to?’

Ais-Ible paused, weighing up his options. ‘Aye, get to it.’

‘It will take me a while to get the guard out and my captain will have to be told.’

‘I know,’ replied Ais-Ible, into a line that was already dead.

Replacing the receiver and sighing heavily Ais-Ible finished his drink, putting his mug aside. He could hear the sound of boots on the cobbles coming nearer and turned around in time to see Ount-Boo enter the duty office. ‘Sir,’ said Ais-Ible, snapping out a quick salute.

‘Sergeant,’ replied Ount-Boo, slurring his words a little. ‘Tell me what’s happening?’

‘Have you issued orders to Sergeant Tual-Tac giving him permission to leave the fort?’

‘No.’

The ******* Tempter thought Ais-Ible, silently cursing his luck as Major Ount-Boo glared, his fur starting to bristle.[/QUOTE]

I thought it was fine, the call was easy enough to follow. A few nits above.

 

[Bowler1]

It's funny you should mention nits, Springs, because my furry aliens have mentioned hygiene before!

There is a repeat of "growl" in there among other things. What you've/I've seen even after only a short time away from a piece is amazing. Don't worry, it will be fussed over and polished many more times yet. I see you've changed your picture, pot plants indeed!

 

[JoanDrake]

I found it a little confusing at first but once I reread it a few times all became clear. The thing is that it was interesting enough to make doing so no real chore

Now, though I have to get this picture of a furry Steve McQueen out of my head

 

[Bowler1]

Now, though I have to get this picture of a furry Steve McQueen out of my head

Now you mention it - and I did laugh.

 

[Reivax26]

Sounds good to me. Anything that can be improved upon has already been mentioned.

 

[ctg]

I have read others comments and I think it's good. It reads much different to the stuff you put a little while ago.

It was the first really dark night in weeks as The Hunter and The Bear were in their day cycle and heavy clouds blowing in from the sea filled the night sky. It had started to rain and Sergeant Ais-Ible had been keeping to the shelter of the arches under the central tower and. Close enough to the comforts of his small office. snapping at his soldiers tokeep them moving.

‘Sergeant, there is a dispatch rider coming,’ said the Guard facing the inner courtyard.

‘The tides almost in, he can’t cross the causeway now,’ replied Ais-Ible, not even bothering to look up.

‘Yes, Serge.’

The motorbike came to a halt in the shelter of the central tower and while the Guard challenged the rider Ais-Ible turned away as the whistle of his small kettle coming to the boil called him. His duty office was warm and cosy as he got his brew on, spitting into his mug and wiping it with a damp cloth.
​

The last sentence doesn't bring much in and I think the sentence before that gives enough to the reader to imagine the situation. So think about it.

The Guard poked his head into the office, looking worried. ‘Sorry, Serge, the dispatch rider wants to see you.’

‘I’m busy, you deal with it.’

‘He has orders from the General, or so he says.’

‘The Tempter,’ snapped Ais-Ible, putting his mug down heavily. ‘This better be good.’ He pushed roughly passed the Guard and growled at the annoyed looking driver. ‘You, turn that engine off.’

The puttering (?) growl died away and the dispatch rider took his helmet and goggles off. ‘Alright, mate.’
​

put·ter 2 (p

t

r)v. put·tered, put·ter·ing, put·ters
v.intr. To occupy oneself in an aimless or ineffective manner.

v.tr. To waste (time) in idling: puttered away the hours in the garden.

[Probably alteration of potter, probably frequentative of Middle English poten, to poke, push, from Old English potian.]

What is going on? Puttering growl? What is that?

‘Tual-Tac,’ gasped Ais-Ible, ‘what the #### are you doing on a motorbike?’

‘Orders from Major Ount-Boo and some urgent errand for the General,’ replied Tual-Tac as he handed the helmet to Ais-Ible.

He looked the strangely shaped thing and said, ‘I don’t want that thing.’

​

You didn't use to have motorbikes, so seeing a crash-helmet must be strange. Not talking about smelling the fumes in the air.

Tual-tac sighed deeply and then said, ‘Would you hold on to it, I'm not very good on balancing things and getting orders out at the same time.' while I get my orders out,’ growled Tual-Tac. ‘I’m not very good on this thing.’
​

Frustration can come out in many ways. And as always, my edits are guidelines, not something set in the stone.

Ais-Ible took the helmet and passed it behind him to the Guard standing nearby. ‘Orders or not, the tides coming in.You’re too (remember to emphasize with italics) late.’

‘That will suit me, write that down forme and I’ll take the orders back,’ said Tual-Tac, handing his papers over.

Ais-Ible studied the paperwork and said, ‘All it says is that you’re to cross the causeway, nothing else.’

‘Aye,’ replied Tual-Tac, smiling. ‘They didn’t tell me why, mate.’

‘Who’s they?’

Tual-Tac huffed, pulling a face. ‘The lot of them, Ount-Boo, Bemin and the bloody General, they’re all having dinner together. So if the tides in, you write it up, or come back with me and tell them yourself.’

Unsure what to do, Ais-Ible studied the orders again. ‘The Tempter.’

‘Aye, I’m not happy about it myself,’ said Tual-Tac, nodding toward the damp cobbles behind him. ‘It’s ####ing raining and I’ve been on duty all day. Sign that, and I’m out of your sight before you blink.’

Looking at the orders again, Ais-Ible ripped off the cover sheet he needed for his log and handed the envelope back to Tual-Tac. ‘A bit of rain won’t kill ya, now will it?’

‘Aye, that’s what Ount-Boo said as well.’

Ais-Ible laughed and gestured the Guard to return Tual-Tac’s stuff. helmet and stuff to be returned to him. ‘I’ll call it through to the main gate and the causeway, I’ll see you later.’

With just a nod from Tual-Tac, Ais-Ible returned to his little office and poured hot water to brew his Binat. As he picked up the telephone the motorbike roared into life and out into the weather. ‘Hello, who’s that?’

‘CorporalSte-Lot, what can I do for you, Sergeant?’

Ste-Lot, another keen young lad that annoyed Ais-Ible and there were more like him every year. ‘There’s an urgent dispatch rider on way, and I want him passed through quick so the tide doesn’t get him.’

‘Yes,Sergeant, I’ll see to it.’

‘Good.’ replied Ais-Ible hanging up the telephone and tried to take a sip from his drink, but it was still too hot yet. He put it aside and picked up the duty log, (comma) down and started to file Tual-Tac’s orders away when something caught his eye. (full stop) The signature was not right. It was close, but yet, different. He nibbled his talon, thinking - trying to decide.

'God damn.' He picked up the telephone again and called the main gate. The receiver purred, and purred, and purred; the wait worried him.

‘Hello.’

‘Corporal, has that dispatch rider gone through?’

‘Yeah, just now, Sergeant.’

Ais-Ible slammed the receiver back down.‘The ******* Tempter.’ And then after a minute of contemplation he dialed a number to the next checkpoint.
​

You need to remember to give it a pause and continuation even though it's happening in the page literally at the same time.

'Causeway.’

‘This is Sergeant Ais-Ible, gatehouse in the central tower, who’s this?’

‘Sergeant Win-Tok.’

‘There’s a dispatch rider crossing, Iwant him stopped and held, is that clear?’

‘Yes.’

‘Call me back when he's apprehended.’

‘Yes,Sergeant.’

A thunk and the line buzzed with inactivity. Glancing at the signature one last time, he turned and shouted at his Guard. ‘You, get in here.’

A couple of quick foot steps and the Guard joined him in the duty office. ‘Yes, Serge.’

‘I want you to find Major Ount-Boo and ask him if has issued orders to Tual-Tac tonight,’ said Ais-Ible, pointing withhis talon. ‘You understand?’

‘Huh, Tual-Tac,’ grunted the Guard.

‘Don’t yank my ******* tail,’ snapped Ais-Ible. ‘Find Ount-Boo and ask him if he has issued orders or not.’

‘Yes, Serge,’ replied the Guard, beating a hasty retreat.

Growling into the small and now empty office, Ais-Ible sipped his drink while still looking at the signature. Putting the order aside, he rubbed his snout, waiting for the telephone to ring. Logs in the fireplace popped and crackled and the clock on the wall ticked loudly; time was passing slowly for Ais-Ible.

The telephone dinged into life giving him a fright, and he quickly reached for it. ‘Who is this?’

‘Sergeant Win-Tok here. The tides come in and there’s no rider.’

‘Can you search the shore?’

‘Are you asking me to?’

Ais-Ible paused, weighing up his options. ‘Aye, get to it.’

‘It will take me a while to get the guard out and my captain will have to be told.’

‘I know,’ replied Ais-Ible, into a line that was already dead.

Replacing the receiver and sighing heavily Ais-Ible finished his drink, putting his mug aside. He could hear the sound of boots on the cobbles coming nearer and turned around in time to see Ount-Boo enter the duty office. ‘Sir,’ said Ais-Ible, snapping out a quick salute.

‘Sergeant,’ replied Ount-Boo, slurring his words a little. ‘Tell me what’s happening?’

‘Have you issued orders to Sergeant Tual-Tac giving him permission to leave the fort?’

‘No.’

The ******* Tempter thought Ais-Ible, silently cursing his luck as Major Ount-Boo glared, his fur starting to bristle.

​

It's a wonderful story, but I have to say that you love the "dialogue," said (comma) action concept with a lot of -ings. And to my foreign eyes that looks so unnatural and I could be bothered to correct all of them as it's your style.

What comes to the telephone conversation, nothing wrong with it. It's good and it delivers the impact. Just you sometimes forget that maybe these furry aliens doesn't have the same cultural things as we do as at the beginning they're still pretty undeveloped.

 

[Bowler1]

As ever CTG mate, all noted. It's with help from you and many others that has enabled me to get this far. And yes, I do like the dialogue said then action, but I'm trying hard to mix it up more.