50 Millihelen - Redux

[Mirannan]

I've taken all people said about my first effort on board, and made some pretty drastic changes. Much more detail, first person instead of omniscient.

50 Millihelen

The first time I ever met Helen, I didn’t like her much. That might have been because of the circumstances, of course.


I was finishing off one of those tedious jobs that anyone who lives in a house has to do every so often – vacuuming – and it had just gone spectacularly wrong; as happens every so often the dust bag split and the machine sprayed dust all over the living room. I was putting the machine back together, and I was covered with what felt like six months’ worth of dust, grime and old cobwebs and wearing my painting clothes. That, of course, just had to be the time that my husband Bob chose to come in through the door with a work colleague I’d never met before.


To make it worse, the colleague was a woman. And even worse, immaculately turned out and not a hair out of place, although I thought it was a bit odd that she was wearing a khaki denim jumpsuit with an RUR logo on it. Not exactly office wear. And even worse than that, this newcomer was absolutely gorgeous. Face like a supermodel, and curves in all the right places – or the wrong ones, as far as I was concerned. Just great – I didn’t think.


Bob was the first to speak. “Sue, I’d like you to meet a colleague of mine. Helen will be staying with us for a few days or so, if you don’t mind. Helen, meet my wife Sue.”


Helen spoke. And, of course, just as I thought it would be with the way my day was shaping up, the voice could have been from a professional opera singer or someone like that. She sounded just as gorgeous as she looked. “Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Worthington. May I come in?”


Just about then, Bob came in and closed the door behind both of them. Seeing that I was just working up to giving him a piece of my mind – a piece he wouldn’t like much – he hurriedly started to explain. “Sue, whatever you think is going on you are wrong. Take a really good look at Helen; she won’t mind. Will you, Helen?” After Helen had agreed (I thought that something really odd was going on) I did as Bob suggested.


I felt a bit strange giving this perfect stranger (in more ways than one!) a detailed inspection, but then I started noticing things. First of all, she appeared to be wearing a professional makeup job; no pores or wrinkles visible at all, and perfectly even skin tone.


But the real surprise was her eyes. You couldn’t have seen it from more than six inches away, but her irises looked more like camera irises than human ones. And then the whole strange situation fell into place.


“Bob, tell me. Have you brought a ROBOT to stay with us? What the hell is going on?” Bob started to explain.


“Well, Sue, now you know why I’ve been doing all those late nights and weekends. Helen is one of the test units of our latest model, the 3004 GPD AIR. You remember the 1000 series, that looked like clankers out of some 1980s scifi film, and the 2000 series that looked like animated mannequins? Well, we think we’ve solved a lot of the problems. I’m not going to reel off all the technical stuff right now, but this model is designed to look and act, and even feel, as much like a human as possible. If you’re interested, here’s a rough copy of the brochure we’ll be handing out.”


“We won’t be selling this model – we’ve decided that with so many new bits of tech inside them they will need more maintenance than usual. They will only be available on lease contract, and they will be expensive to lease – very expensive. More than my salary, in fact. But we are getting this one for free; all we have to do is fill in a questionnaire every week or so about its performance. Or her performance, if you prefer to put it that way.”


Bob looked and sounded as if he’d rehearsed that little speech. I decided to show him a bit of mercy this time. “Well, we’ll have to wait and see, but it sounds OK to me. Just one thing – I assume that she is safe to have around?”


Bob seemed to have anticipated that one. “Sure we have. One thing we really have nailed down is the safety protocols. This model is no stronger than a human, for a start, and we’ve used Asimov as a starting point for the programming.”




More to come, obviously - but I'm doing something new to me here and would like some comments.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Overall, this is very well-written. I like the narrative voice, which seems very real. I might quibble over a few tiny things. I would probably take the word "ever" out of the first sentence. I would also suggest taking out "or someone like that" after the words "a professional opera singer" because they tend to weaken the otherwise strong metaphor you have created.

This story seems to be one of those with the intent of commenting on previous science fiction stories on the same theme. Your references to Asimov, 1980's movies, and the story "Helen O'Loy" (I assume this is not just a coincidence) give me that feeling. If that is your intent, great. If not, you may wish to tone down the allusions just a bit.

 

[kromanjon]

The first time I ever met Helen, I didn’t like her much. That might have been because of the circumstances, of course. -Good, start with conflict


I was finishing off one of those tedious jobs that anyone who lives in a house has to do every so often – vacuuming – and it had just gone spectacularly wrong; as happens every so often the dust bag split and the machine sprayed dust all over the living room. I was putting the machine back together, and I was covered with what felt like six months’ worth of dust, grime and old cobwebs and wearing my painting clothes. That, of course, just had to be the time that my husband Bob chose to come in through the door with a work colleague I’d never met before.


To make it worse, the colleague was a woman. And even worse, immaculately turned out and not a hair out of place, although I thought it was a bit odd that she was wearing a khaki denim jumpsuit with an RUR logo on it. Not exactly office wear. And even worse than that, this newcomer was absolutely gorgeous. Face like a supermodel, and curves in all the right places – or the wrong ones, as far as I was concerned. Just great – I didn’t think. -She is probably stressed by the circumstances but I can't help feeling that she's whining a bit too much now


Bob was the first to speak. “Sue, I’d like you to meet a colleague of mine. Helen will be staying with us for a few days or so, if you don’t mind. Helen, meet my wife Sue.” -You've already stated her as a colleague two times before this, remove those or change what the husband says.


Helen spoke. And, of course, just as I thought it would be with the way my day was shaping up, the voice could have been from a professional opera singer or someone like that. She sounded just as gorgeous as she looked. “Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Worthington. May I come in?” -Can you realy speak like a opera singer? And they have already walked through the door in paragraph two.


Just about then,[sounds wierd to me] Bob came in and closed the door behind both of them. Seeing that I was just working up to giving him a piece of my mind – a piece he wouldn’t like much – he hurriedly started to explain. “Sue, whatever you think is going on you are wrong. Take a really good look at Helen; she won’t mind. Will you, Helen?” After Helen had agreed (I thought that something really odd was going on) I did as Bob suggested. -Perhaps Helen could not or something instead of the rushed "after Helen had agreed".


I felt a bit strange giving this perfect stranger (in more ways than one!) a detailed inspection, but then I started noticing things. First of all, she appeared to be wearing a professional makeup job; no pores or wrinkles visible at all, and perfectly even skin tone.


But the real surprise was her eyes. You couldn’t have seen it from more than six inches away, but her irises looked more like camera irises than human ones. And then the whole strange situation fell into place.


“Bob, tell me. Have you brought a ROBOT to stay with us? What the hell is going on?” Bob started to explain. -"Bob started to explain" should be in another paragraph


“Well, Sue, now you know why I’ve been doing all those late nights and weekends. Helen is one of the test units of our latest model, the 3004 GPD AIR. You remember the 1000 series, that looked like clankers out of some 1980s scifi film, and the 2000 series that looked like animated mannequins? Well, we think we’ve solved a lot of the problems. I’m not going to reel off all the technical stuff right now, but this model is designed to look and act, and even feel, as much like a human as possible. If you’re interested, here’s a rough copy of the brochure we’ll be handing out.” -He might not reel of all the technical stuff but he feels a bit like Mr. Exposition. Dialogue seems clunky.


“We won’t be selling this model – we’ve decided that with so many new bits of tech inside them they will need more maintenance than usual. They will only be available on lease contract, and they will be expensive to lease – very expensive. More than my salary, in fact. But we are getting this one for free; all we have to do is fill in a questionnaire every week or so about its performance. Or her performance, if you prefer to put it that way.” - More exposition. Perhaps more back and forth between husband and wife, wife asking how they are going to afford this new expensive thingamajigg.


Bob looked and sounded as if he’d rehearsed that little speech. I decided to show him a bit of mercy this time. “Well, we’ll have to wait and see, but it sounds OK to me. Just one thing – I assume that she is safe to have around?” -A more natural dialogue would fix his rehearsed speech and also help explain the wifes sudden change from furious to accepting.


Bob seemed to have anticipated that one. “Sure we have.[Sure she is?] One thing we really have nailed down is the safety protocols. This model is no stronger than a human, for a start, and we’ve used Asimov as a starting point for the programming.”




More to come, obviously - but I'm doing something new to me here and would like some comments.

Okay. I'm not good with grammar so I'm just going for some minor pointer above. I think you had better writing in your previous short about Helen so I know your capable of doing better. Especially the dialogue needs some work to make these people sound more like people.

Apart from that the scene goes at a pretty good pace so it's still a good jumping off point.

 

[Glisterspeck]

The voice, to me, has sort of a “chatty Cathy” feel. Like the character is gossiping to her girlfriends, not revealing the story to us. Which is fine, if that is the intent. I think it comes from phrases like: of course, as happens every so often, choose to come in through the door instead of just came through, all the even worses, just about then, and what not.

One thing that sounds out of character for Bob, in terms of product management, is when he says, “all we have to do is fill in a questionnaire every week or so about its performance.” The test case would not be “or so”, To me, that sounds like the MC’s wishy-washy voice seeping in. (Testing engineers are adamant about test cases being on a strict schedule!)

I was putting the machine back together, and I was covered with what felt like six months’ worth of dust, grime and old cobwebs and wearing my painting clothes.

The painting clothes bit comes out of nowhere to me, causing a double take.

Face like a supermodel, and curves in all the right places – or the wrong ones, as far as I was concerned. Just great – I didn’t think.

Doubling up the snark here results in a lot of snark!

…could have been from a professional opera singer or someone like that.

Maybe the best example of the wish-washy tone I was talking about.

but it sounds OK to me. Just one thing – I assume that she is safe to have around?”

I remember reading once that OK should be written out as okay.

 

[Mirannan]

OK, with comments noted here goes again, with just a small addition:

The first time I met Helen, I didn’t like her much. That might have been because of the circumstances, of course.


I was finishing off one of those tedious jobs that anyone who lives in a house has to do every so often – vacuuming – and it had just gone spectacularly wrong; as happens every so often the dust bag split and the machine sprayed dust all over the living room. I was putting the machine back together, and I was covered with six months’ worth of dust, grime and old cobwebs and wearing old clothes. That, of course, just had to be the time that my husband Bob chose to come in through the door with a total stranger I’d never met before.


To make it worse, the stranger was a woman. And immaculately turned out and not a hair out of place, although I thought it was a bit odd that she was wearing a khaki denim jumpsuit with an RUR logo on it. Not exactly office wear. And even worse than that, this newcomer was absolutely gorgeous. Face like a supermodel, and curves in all the right places – or the wrong ones, as far as I was concerned. Just great – I didn’t think.


Bob was the first to speak. “Sue, I’d like you to meet a colleague of mine. Helen will be staying with us for a few days or so, if you don’t mind. Helen, meet my wife Sue.”


Helen spoke. And, of course, just as I thought it would be with the way my day was shaping up, the voice could have been from a professional voice coach. She sounded just as gorgeous as she looked. “Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Worthington. ”


Bob closed the door behind both of them. Seeing that I was just working up to giving him a piece of my mind – a piece he wouldn’t like much – he hurriedly started to explain. “Sue, whatever you think is going on you are wrong. Take a really good look at Helen; she won’t mind. Will you, Helen?” For some reason, it didn’t seem as if Helen had much choice in the matter. I thought that something really odd was going on, but did as Bob suggested.


I felt a bit strange giving this perfect stranger (in more ways than one!) a detailed inspection, but then I started noticing things. First of all, she appeared to be wearing a professional makeup job; no pores or wrinkles visible at all, and perfectly even skin tone.


But the real surprise was her eyes. You couldn’t have seen it from more than six inches away, but her irises looked more like camera irises than human ones. And then the whole strange situation fell into place.


“Bob, tell me. Have you brought a ROBOT to stay with us? What the hell is going on?”

Bob started to explain.


“Well, Sue, now you know why I’ve been doing all those late nights and weekends. Helen is one of the test units of our latest model, the 3004 GPD AIR. If you’re interested, here’s a rough copy of the brochure we’ll be handing out.”


I butted into his researched speech. “Bob, how the heck can we afford your company’s latest model? The last two models were expensive enough, and this one is going to be ridiculous!”


Bob had an answer for that. “We’re getting this one for free; all we have to do is fill in a questionnaire every week about its performance. Or her performance, if you prefer to put it that way. By the way, it won’t be for sale anyway – with so much new tech, the company thought lease contracts would be the way to go. You’re right about one thing, though – the contract price they’re talking about is more than my salary. Good deal or what?”


It really did seem as if Bob had grabbed a good deal, so I decided to show him a bit of mercy this time. “Well, we’ll have to wait and see, but it sounds okay to me. Just one thing – I assume that she is safe to have around?”


Bob seemed to have anticipated that one. “Sure she is. One thing we really have nailed down is the safety protocols. This model is no stronger than a human, for a start, and we’ve used Asimov as an inspiration for the programming.”


I said, “Sure. And if I remember right, the Three Laws were as full of holes as a fishing net. You’ll have to do better than that!"


Bob said, “Quite so. That’s why RUR got a tax lawyer and a Jesuit theologian in on the job. Actually, we really are lucky. RUR decided to go ahead with the new model after Apple failed its application for the iRobot trademark. Something about prior publication, they tell me.”


I was feeling a bit better about the whole situation by now, so I finally agreed. “Alright, it can stay. Have you thought at all about clothes for this thing?”

 

[Phyrebrat]

OK, with comments noted here goes again, with just a small addition:

The first time I met Helen, I didn’t like her much. That might have been because of the circumstances, of course.


I was finishing off one of those tedious jobs that anyone who lives in a house has to do every so often – vacuuming – and it had just gone spectacularly wrong; as happens every so often the dust bag split and the machine sprayed dust all over the living room. I was putting the machine back together, and I was covered with six months’ worth of dust, grime and old cobwebs and wearing old clothes. That, of course, just had to be the time that my husband Bob chose to come in through the door with a total stranger I’d never met before.


To make it worse, the stranger was a woman. And immaculately turned out and not a hair out of place, although I thought it was a bit odd that she was wearing a khaki denim jumpsuit with an RUR logo on it. Not exactly office wear. And even worse than that, this newcomer was absolutely gorgeous. Face like a supermodel, and curves in all the right places – or the wrong ones, as far as I was concerned. Just great – I didn’t think.


Bob was the first to speak. “Sue, I’d like you to meet a colleague of mine. Helen will be staying with us for a few days or so, if you don’t mind. Helen, meet my wife Sue.”


Helen spoke. And, of course, just as I thought it would be with the way my day was shaping up, the voice could have been from a professional voice coach. She sounded just as gorgeous as she looked. “Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Worthington. ”


Bob closed the door behind both of them. Seeing that I was just working up to giving him a piece of my mind – a piece he wouldn’t like much – he hurriedly started to explain. “Sue, whatever you think is going on you are wrong. Take a really good look at Helen; she won’t mind. Will you, Helen?” For some reason, it didn’t seem as if Helen had much choice in the matter. I thought that something really odd was going on, but did as Bob suggested.


I felt a bit strange giving this perfect stranger (in more ways than one!) a detailed inspection, but then I started noticing things. First of all, she appeared to be wearing a professional makeup job; no pores or wrinkles visible at all, and perfectly even skin tone.


But the real surprise was her eyes. You couldn’t have seen it from more than six inches away, but her irises looked more like camera irises than human ones. And then the whole strange situation fell into place.


“Bob, tell me. Have you brought a ROBOT to stay with us? What the hell is going on?”

Bob started to explain.


“Well, Sue, now you know why I’ve been doing all those late nights and weekends. Helen is one of the test units of our latest model, the 3004 GPD AIR. If you’re interested, here’s a rough copy of the brochure we’ll be handing out.”


I butted into his researched speech. “Bob, how the heck can we afford your company’s latest model? The last two models were expensive enough, and this one is going to be ridiculous!”


Bob had an answer for that. “We’re getting this one for free; all we have to do is fill in a questionnaire every week about its performance. Or her performance, if you prefer to put it that way. By the way, it won’t be for sale anyway – with so much new tech, the company thought lease contracts would be the way to go. You’re right about one thing, though – the contract price they’re talking about is more than my salary. Good deal or what?”


It really did seem as if Bob had grabbed a good deal, so I decided to show him a bit of mercy this time. “Well, we’ll have to wait and see, but it sounds okay to me. Just one thing – I assume that she is safe to have around?”


Bob seemed to have anticipated that one. “Sure she is. One thing we really have nailed down is the safety protocols. This model is no stronger than a human, for a start, and we’ve used Asimov as an inspiration for the programming.”


I said, “Sure. And if I remember right, the Three Laws were as full of holes as a fishing net. You’ll have to do better than that!"


Bob said, “Quite so. That’s why RUR got a tax lawyer and a Jesuit theologian in on the job. Actually, we really are lucky. RUR decided to go ahead with the new model after Apple failed its application for the iRobot trademark. Something about prior publication, they tell me.”


I was feeling a bit better about the whole situation by now, so I finally agreed. “Alright, it can stay. Have you thought at all about clothes for this thing?”

Hi Mirannan,

Congratulations for posting and revising your piece, it can be a scary thing!

It's clear what the set up is and is quite an active scene in terms of creating a conflict but I have a few points.

As said above, she really does sound a bit like a gossipy chatterbox. I'd believe in her character more if she was more aggressive and you lost her internal asides. I get why you have included the vacuum disaster at the opening, but I think it is too long and goes into too much detail. And the line "total stranger..' can be shortened, too. It's obvious that a 'total stranger' is someone she would have never seen before.

She seems to give in to her husband so quickly and the line 'give him some mercy' doesn't ring true as she hasn't given him a hard time at any point in this.

To me the interaction between Bob and Sue, and her internal thoughts, don't come across as authentic. Part of it sounds a bit Stepford Wives-y or like Blue Peter presenters (kids TV show) with what I see as an overuse of their names;


“Bob, tell me. Have you brought a ROBOT to stay with us? What the hell is going on?”

Bob started to explain.


“Well, Sue, now you know why I’ve been doing all those late nights..."

In this section, for example, I would drop all the names. If the dialogue is clear, the person who is speaking/being spoken to is clear, too, and the use of their names just get in the way. In fact, I'd lose the line 'Bob started to explain' because it's clear from his following dialogue that he is explaining:

'What the Hell is going on? Have you brought a ROBOT to stay with us?'

'This is one of the test units...'

I've switched the first line around as What the Hell, carries more punch as an opener. I also made Bob a bit more direct. I may be generalising here, but I would also expect a wife/partner to be a lot more angry or put out if their husband brought home a guest without warning.

Finally, I'd be brutal with all the product details and info-dumping-via-dialogue. These details may be important later on (the price, previous models, strength, Apple, etc) but are they important to his wife right now? If so, get her to ask questions which allow him to answer with this information rather than having him just inundate her with facts.

My general point would be to really whittle the thing down and concentrate on making the interaction between the wife and husband more authentic.

Well done for posting and good luck with this. I hope some of what I said has helped.

pH

 

[Mirannan]

Thanks for all the help. Here goes again, with a little more added at the end:

50 Millihelen – Version 4


The first time I met Helen, I didn’t like her much. That might have been because of the circumstances, of course.


I was finishing off the vacuuming, and it had just gone spectacularly wrong; the dust bag had split and sprayed dust all over the living room – and all over me as well. That, of course, just had to be the time that my husband Bob chose to come in with a total stranger, and completely without warning.


To make it worse, the stranger was a woman. And immaculately turned out and not a hair out of place, although I thought it was a bit odd that she was wearing a khaki denim jumpsuit with an RUR logo on it. Not exactly office wear. And even worse than that, this newcomer was absolutely gorgeous. Face like a supermodel, and curves in all the right places – or the wrong ones, as far as I was concerned. Just great – I didn’t think.


Bob was the first to speak. “Sue, I’d like you to meet a colleague of mine. Helen will be staying with us for a few days or so, if you don’t mind. Helen, meet my wife Sue.”


Helen spoke. And, of course, just as I thought it would be with the way my day was shaping up, the voice could have been from a professional voice coach. She sounded just as gorgeous as she looked. “Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Worthington. ”


Bob closed the door behind both of them. Seeing that I was just working up to giving him a piece of my mind – a piece he wouldn’t like much – he hurriedly started to explain. “Whatever you think is going on you are wrong. Take a really good look at Helen; she won’t mind. Will you, Helen?” For some reason, it didn’t seem as if Helen had much choice in the matter. I thought that something really odd was going on, but did as Bob suggested.


I felt a bit strange giving this perfect stranger (in more ways than one!) a detailed inspection, but then I started noticing things. First of all, she appeared to be wearing a professional makeup job; no pores or wrinkles visible at all, and perfectly even skin tone.


But the real surprise was her eyes. You couldn’t have seen it from more than six inches away, but her irises looked more like camera irises than human ones. And then the whole strange situation fell into place.


“What the hell is going on? Have you brought a ROBOT to stay with us?”


“Helen is one of the test units of our latest model. If you’re interested, here’s a rough copy of the brochure we’ll be handing out.” And he dumped the brochure on the hall table.


I butted into his researched speech. “Bob, how the heck can we afford your company’s latest model? The last two models were expensive enough, and this one is going to be ridiculous!”


Bob had an answer for that. “We’re getting it for free; all we have to do is fill in a questionnaire every week about its performance. You’re right about one thing, though – the lease contract price they’re talking about is more than my salary. Good deal or what?”


I said, “None of that explains why you didn’t tell me about all this. What do you expect me to think when you bring home a complete stranger without giving me any warning? Just look at the place! Sure, I know NOW that it’s a machine, but...”


Bob said, “I’m really sorry – I just didn’t think. You know now that it’s a machine, though. Can I keep it here? The boss seems to think it’s important.”


It really did seem as if Bob had grabbed a good deal, and it might be important for his work. “Well, we’ll have to wait and see, but it sounds okay to me. Just one thing – I assume that she is safe to have around?”


Bob seemed to have anticipated that one. “Sure she is. One thing we really have nailed down is the safety protocols. This model is no stronger than a human, for a start, and we’ve used Asimov as an inspiration for the programming.”


I said, “Sure. And if I remember right, the Three Laws were as full of holes as a fishing net. You’ll have to do better than that!”



Bob grinned and said, “Quite so. That’s why RUR got a tax lawyer and a Jesuit theologian in on the job.”


I was feeling a bit better about the whole situation by now, so I finally agreed. “Alright, it can stay. Have you thought at all about clothes for this thing?”


Bob said, “No. Why? Should I have done?” I replied, “Men! And even worse, tech geeks! Someone in your company has taken the trouble to design a chassis that wouldn’t look out of place in a top-shelf mag or on the Paris catwalk, and any woman I’ve ever met would kill for – and you put it in clothes that a potato sack would be an improvement on. Can’t you see a problem with that?”

(The confusion between "it" and "she" is intentional. I think people would have a problem deciding which pronoun to use, when confronted with a machine that looks like a gorgeous woman. It's setting up for later, too.)

 

[Bakerman]

I do like this much more than your first version!

My only problem with your writing is that the dialogue tends to be quite long-winded and... not quite exposition-laden, but you spell everything out in dialogue in a way that I don't think people usually do. It's verbose.

It's actually very like Haruki Murakami - I just read 1Q84, which involves a lot of characters sitting calmly around talking about deem emotional traumas*. Though they tend to be quite concise in their dialogue.

The confusion between "it" and "she" is intentional.

I'd try to bring this out int he dialogue more. I actually didn't notice her doing it when I was reading, only when you pointed it out. If you mean to be that subtle, though, carry on!

*It's fantastic, I'd recommend it to anyone. But odd, at times.

 

[JoanDrake]

I have to say I liked the other one more. It was shorter and yet said more, but then I don't generally like first person a lot.

My first concern is why this woman has what is probably the last bagged vaccuum on the planet. It's no surprise that the bag broke as it's probably at least 50 years old. Where is her Roomba?

Also, Bob spoke then Helen, now it's the wife's turn, and the first thing she's going to do is apologise for her appearance and then the house's. This will be preparatory to asking Bob into the kitchen so as to give him hell, but even I generally apologise for what my house looks like when there's a stranger at the door

I can see her husband being the first to speak but unless the first thing he says is "Honey, this is the new robot we're testing" he risks having his wife smack Helen over the head with the vacuum wand while shouting "Oh My God. It's a robot, get it out of here". Thinking you're meeting a human and then finding out it's an android would be about the most unnerving experience you could have unless they're commonplace, and it seems they are not in this case

The eyes are the windows to the soul. They're the first thing you look at when you meet another person, especially if you're interacting with them. If Helen's eyes were what betrayed her as a robot they're also the first thing the MC would notice. She could think Helen was blind, but seeing as how she apparently knows her husband works for Rossum's Universal Robots and also sees robots as possibly dangerous, I would think a reaction as outlined above would be possible too.

Are you trying to rewrite RUR? If you are then the sort of 50's as seen from the 30's feel the whole thing has makes more sense.

I'm sorry for being negative. All in all I would find it a good effort if I didn't think you had already done better

 

[Mirannan]

JoanDrake:

I confess to being confused here. My original effort was about as bare-bones as a story can get. I am very gratified indeed to think that the first version (which was virtually a dictation from some external source, as I see it) was approved of; I have followed the suggestions of others regarding the apparent fact that the story is not "fleshed out" enough.

HELP!

This story is supposed to be a tragedy, in what my limited education tells me is the true sense. With a non-human sapient main character into the bargain. Am I trying too hard?

 

[kromanjon]

I think you should step back from this scene. Complete the story or, if it's allready complete, write something else. Return after at least a month and give it another shot. I get the feeling you're spending too much time fixated on one scene right now. Give yourself a break. I'm sure it will help.

 

[JoanDrake]

JoanDrake:

I confess to being confused here. My original effort was about as bare-bones as a story can get. I am very gratified indeed to think that the first version (which was virtually a dictation from some external source, as I see it) was approved of; I have followed the suggestions of others regarding the apparent fact that the story is not "fleshed out" enough.

HELP!

This story is supposed to be a tragedy, in what my limited education tells me is the true sense. With a non-human sapient main character into the bargain. Am I trying too hard?

Don't go by me. I often find myself swimming upstream here, not because I like to but because you can't tell which way the current flows when you're drowning.

I didn't say the first one was bad, just that, given Helen was the putative MC we never got to see her thoughts at all. Selection one was short and succinct but very informative and all the more poignant for it. In that one I felt for Helen, who had done nothing but exactly what she was told and suffered (as much as a robot can) for it.

In this case I saw a harried housewife who has to suddenly deal with her husband walking in unannounced with a drop dead gorgeous woman next to him. His reaction to seeing the love of his life covered in dust from a broken vacuum is to make a bizarre and frightening practical joke, (hmm...maybe I'm wrong, you do seem to understand typical male behavior ) Nevertheless I wouldn't have been surprised if our faithful housewife hadn't started screaming about lawyers, custody and who was getting the house from word one. I certainly felt little sympathy for Helen.

And either one was a fine piece of writing. I'd like to see what comes next because it's very possible the Redux was best when you consider what is to follow, but I dunno. We have to make our decisions based on what we're given

I'm of mixed mind about Kromanjon's advice. I've only recently started letting things "steep" for a while before I put them up; so far, I've simply stopped posting completely