Beggars and priestesses (300 words)

[Hex]

I'm trying to restructure the first bit of my wip. I'd be especially grateful for any comments on whether this seems like a coherent piece of text or not (like Jarshen and Bakerman I will ask a question at the end).

Very grateful for any comments.

Sorry if it doesn't make a great deal of sense -- it's from the middle of Ch3.

* * *

You can't cast magic without the blood -- or rather, people who can are incredibly rare. It always ends badly -- they always end badly. Non-blood magicians might be fantastically strong but because they can't do the proper rituals the magic eats them from the inside and sends them barking mad. The most famous one, Abderus, ate people and put them on spikes and had them torn apart by horses. He was so bloodthirsty the earth got filled with salt and nothing grew any more. Before he wiped everyone out, the Witch Council made the Priestesses.

I saw them in Edinburgh last summer, when my parents let me skip a day of school. We'd shoved through the tourists on the High Street, ignoring actors pushing fliers at us, when we got stuck in the crowd round a guy juggling flaming torches. Edging past, pressed up against the cathedral wall, we were right there when the four Priestesses cut the heart out of a malasangre beggar.

The thin grey knives sliced downwards, there was a wet cough and then blood all over my trainers. Past Dad's back I could only see the blood running down the Priestess Superior's skirt, and the beggar's nicotine-stained fingers, cupped like he was still hoping for change.

The blood smell mixed with paraffin-torch smoke until there was no air left. No one believed, of course, they'd seen a man killed. The place was full of actors doing crazy things. People turned back to the juggler or wandered off to the next performance, and Mum pulled me after them, her fingers so tight they hurt, leaving the limp body seeping its liquids across the pavement.

My shoes squelched a bit with every step.

When the dreams stopped, I was left feeling sort of sorry for the beggar, but with all that power and a crazy need to eat people -- yeah, well, I was glad not to have him next door.




***


OK -- so this is my prologuey bit (with the Priestesses and the beggar) shoved into the middle of some backstory/ explanation. Not quite "shoved", naturally. But still, does it read as natural here or do the joins show?

 

[Abernovo]

It reads natural to me. Actually, I find it quite evocative - takes me straight into the world.

Two tiny things:

beggar's nicotine-stained fingers, cupped like he was still hoping for change

I wasn't sure about 'change'. A tiny point, but 'change' seemed vague to me.

When the dreams stopped, I was left...

This is the only possible 'join' issue I can see. What dreams? Nightmares caused by witnessing the beggar's execution? And why only after them did she feel sorry for the beggar?

Anyway, just my opinions.

 

[Hex]

Thanks, Aber.

Loose change? Would that be better? Coins?

And yes, you have successfully identified the join. Dammit. I will consider.

 

[Abernovo]

Ah, loose change, money from passers-by, got it now. Sorry, with the killing, I took the cupped hands to be supplication or prayer to be helped. Priestesses made me think religious symbolism. I was being a bit thick, perhaps.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Tis very good, as ever. Some teethies. ,

* * *

You can't cast magic without the blood -- or rather, people who can are incredibly rare. It always ends badly -- they always end badly. Non-blood magicians might be fantastically strong but because they can't do the proper rituals the magic eats them from the inside and sends them barking mad. The most famous one, Abderus, ate people and put them on spikes and had them torn apart by horses. He was so bloodthirsty the earth got filled with salt and nothing grew any more. Before he wiped everyone out, the Witch Council made the Priestesses.

I saw them in Edinburgh last summer, when my parents let me skip a day of school. We'd shoved through the tourists on the High Street, ignoring actors pushing fliers at us, when we got stuck in the crowd round a guy juggling flaming torches. Edging past, pressed up against the cathedral wall, we were right there when the the made me twitch as we hadn't been told there were priestesses yet. Plus i don't think you need it.four Priestesses cut the heart out of a malasangreis this the first time you have used the term? If so, i wonder if it being in the paragraph above makes it clearer? beggar.

The thin grey knives sliced downwards, there was a wet cough and then blood all over my trainers. Past Dad's back I could only see the blood running down the Priestess Superior's skirt, and the beggar's nicotine-stained fingers, cupped like he was still hoping for change.

The blood smell mixed with paraffin-torch smoke until there was no air left. No one believed, of course, they'd seen a man killedthis line jarred. I think it is the of course in the middle. Either drop it, or drop they'd seen a man killed. One or other works fine for me, both together jarred. I have no idea why.

. The place was full of actors doing crazy things. People turned back to the juggler or wandered off to the next performance, and Mum pulled me after them, her fingers so tight they hurt, leaving the limp body seeping its liquids across the pavement.

My shoes squelched a bit with every step.

When the dreams stopped I don't think you need the dreams line. Without it you come out of it much more gracefully

, I was left feeling sort of sorry for the beggar, but with all that power and a crazy need to eat people -- yeah, well, I was glad not to have him next door.

Like i said, teethies just. I will pop them away now. I like the scene.




***


OK -- so this is my prologuey bit (with the Priestesses and the beggar) shoved into the middle of some backstory/ explanation. Not quite "shoved", naturally. But still, does it read as natural here or do the joins show?

Only the dreams line seems a little forced.

 

[Hex]

OK. I'll lose the dream. I worried that she'd come over as sort of heartless without some impact from the killing but actually she's pretty well established as a character by now so I can probably get away with it.

Thanks

And -- not thick, Aber. If you can think that then so could agents or whoever. Hmm.

 

[Mouse]

See, I was like 'what dream?' Feels and reads more like a recollection to me. So yeah take out the 'when the dreams stopped' line like springs says.

Only other thing that puzzled me was: The most famous one, Abderus, ate people and put them on spikes and had them torn apart by horses.

In that order? Or are they separate things? Cos if it's all of them I'd want it ordered differently. Like, the horses, then the spikes, then the eating. Just seems to make more logical sense in my head!

 

[Boneman]

I enjoyed it. I love the idea that people think it's part of an act.

Just a coupla little things...

What time era is this? Sounds medieval, what with the spikes, the horses tearing people apart and the salt preventing crops growing - a bit 'Vlad the impaler' type of thing, but then we switch to Edinburgh and tourists and trainers. For all I know the priestesses have been around for hundreds of years, but the current scene is present-day, isn't it? I'd just like a little separation of Abderus (if there is any - if not what did the poliss do about all those mass murders?) from the scene in progress.

And I'd change this:

No one believed, of course, they'd seen a man killed.

into this:

Of course, no one believed they'd seen a man killed.

But it's a great scene, and grips very well.

 

[Brian G Turner]

There are a few points that come to mind with this:

1. Narrative voice seems inconsistent to me, and very different in paragraphs 1-2 to 3-4.

In paragraphs 1-2 it feels like a chatty child's voice, very matter of fact ("the earth got filled with salt and nothing grew any more" "fantastically strong" "barking mad").

In 3-4 it feels more adult and literary with a focus on details ("thin grey knives sliced downwards" "nicotine-stained fingers, cupped like he was still hoping for change").

2. The word "malasangre" still jars. I remember it came up before, but it's still killing the narrative flow for me. It's like trying to have a conversation with an elephant in the room.

3. Em dashes. Nothing wrong with using them, but your first two lines contain two em dashes, which reduce the tension in your sentences IMO. For example, "You can't cast magic without the blood" (perhaps removing 'the') could be a high impact dramatic sentence to draw a reader in. Instead it becomes chatty like discussing a recipe, which feels less effective to me.

4. First paragraph I think could be tighter - the chattiness feels like there's a loss of focus. Fir example, you open by making blood the subject - this is the Really Important Thing. Then you jump straight into "Non-blood magicians might be fantastically strong" which to me changes the semantic emphasis to "blood isn't important to be fantastically strong". In other words, you introduce a theme and immediately undermine it.

Just my personal opinion.

ADDED: Also occurs to me that the impact of the beggar being killed is told with a lack of feeling. At first I thought you were trying to show how shocked the narrative character was about the killing - but she's not really, she's more interested in telling us details, such as the Priestess Superior's skirt, rather than how she felt about the killing - shocked, anguished, etc. In which case, what are you trying to do with this bit for the reader? Are you trying to shock with the event, or show the narrative character as cold and very used to seeing people killed? Just that it doesn't seem like it has emphasis either way. Yes, I'm being picky, but I thought you might want to think on this aspect more in terms of what you're trying to achieve in terms of impacting the reader.

 

[Hex]

Hmm. Thanks, you guys.

I worried about the lack of emotion too. The blood on her skirt/ shoes etc is supposed to be shock but I'm still worried it comes over as callous. I'll think about that -- thanks.

I'm more worried about the change in narrative voice. It's not accidental -- it was supposed to be a sort of info dump and then a specifically "lived through" scene with details but clearly if you're picking it out then it's bothering you.

In terms of the chattiness of the voice in general, I think that's just her voice and to tighten it much risks losing that (issues of voice vs tightening always bother me -- http://queryshark.blogspot.co.uk/2010/06/163.html)

 

[Mouse]

Maybe it's because I thought it was a past memory, but the lack of emotion didn't bother me because I didn't see it as happening in the now, if that makes sense.

 

[ctg]

You can't cast magic without the blood -- or rather[semicolon] people who can[comma] are incredibly rare. It always ends badly -- they always end badly. Non-blood magicians might be fantastically strong[comma] but because they can't do the proper rituals the magic eats them from the inside and sends them barking mad. The most famous one, Abderus, ate people and put them on spikes and had them torn apart by horses. He was so bloodthirsty[comma] the earth got filled with salt and nothing grew any more. Before he wiped everyone out, the Witch Council made the Priestesses.
​

How can eat people and then put them on spikes, before the horses tear them apart? The image I get is quite different to one you're trying to portray. Maybe you could replace the and-words with or then words, or with something similar.

I saw them in Edinburgh last summer, when my parents let me skip a day of school. We'd shoved through the tourists on the High Street, ignoring actors pushing fliers at us, when we got stuck in the crowd round a guy juggling flaming torches. Edging past, pressed up against the cathedral wall, we were right there[comma] when the four Priestesses cut the heart out of a Malasangre beggar.

The thin grey knives sliced downwards, there was a wet cough and then blood all over my trainers.
​

The image I got is that the narrator is standing behind the corner, watching the priestesses slaughtering the beggar. So she would be completely hidden and therefore in impossible position to get blood on her trainers. No?

Past Dad's back I could only see the blood running down the Priestess Superior's skirt, and the beggar's nicotine-stained fingers, cupped like he was still hoping for change.
​

If it's made from any other fabric then oil-skin, it will soak in it.

The smell of blood smell mixed with paraffin-torch smoke until there was no air left. No one believed (believed what? the truth?), of course, they'd just seen a man killed. Why? Well, maybe because the place was full of actors doing crazy things. People turned back to the juggler or wandered off to the next performance, and Mum pulled me after them, her fingers so tight they hurt, leaving the limp body seeping its liquids across the pavement.
​

This bit is moving the imaginary in quite a different place than where it was at the beginning. It is almost a completely new idea instead of using the original one, where the reader sees through the narrator the priestesses in some sort of abandoned square or something. Instead the reader is taken from that image and planted into a circus.

Was that what you wanted originally? If it was then maybe you need to alter the description sooner rather than later.

My shoes squelched a bit with every step.

​

How much blood can one person bleed out? An ocean? Or is she wearing one of them old trainers with holes in the bottom. You know the ones, like your converses, when they get old and the rubber at the bottom wears out and you feet gets soaked at the sight of a puddle. If so then please give indication sooner rather than later.

When the dreams stopped, I was left feeling sort of sorry for the beggar, but with all that power and a crazy need to eat people -- yeah, well, I was glad not to have him next door.
​

Oh, it was dream. Sorry.

OK -- so this is my prologuey bit (with the Priestesses and the beggar) shoved into the middle of some backstory/ explanation. Not quite "shoved", naturally. But still, does it read as natural here or do the joins show?
​

Yeah, they do. See the comments.

 

[Hex]

Thanks, Mouse -- it is a past memory.

And thanks, ctg. That's a lot to think about. Cheers for taking the time to be so thorough

 

[crystal haven]

It's very good.

I agree that the dream doesn't seem to fit, but apart from that if flowed well. Just a few things below.

I saw them in Edinburgh last summer, when my parents let me skip a day of school. We'd shoved through the tourists on the High Street, ignoring actors pushing fliers at us, when we got stuck in the crowd round a guy juggling flaming torches. Edging past, pressed up against the cathedral wall, we were right there when the four Priestesses cut the heart out of a malasangre beggar.

I agree with Springs - I would also remove ‘the’. It does give the feel that the Priestesses are already known, and I don’t think you intend that.

The blood smell mixed with paraffin-torch smoke until there was no air left. No one believed, of course, they'd seen a man killed.

Believed, could indicate the people are told it was a man killed, and they don’t ‘believe’. I think ‘realised’, might work better. No one realised ...

My shoes squelched a bit with every step.

[FONT=&quot]Like ctg, I also thought about the amount of blood. I wonder if you could use this part to show the emotion rather than mentioning the dream, by having her shoes leaving bloody footprints along the path, for instance, as if the scene is following her.[/FONT]

 

[crystal haven]

[FONT=&quot]Ooops! double post.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Brian G Turner]

if you're picking it out then it's bothering you.

I am nitpicking, though, because I know you're good enough to invite it and handle it. Doesn't mean to say there's anything wrong with any of your prose, so long as you're aware of how and why you are using different parts of it.

As I mentioned elsewhere, I'm reading Hunger Games now, and keep seeing sentences I think could be cut or edited. So obviously I can be accused of being too picky - that's your call to make.

 

[allmywires]

Bollocks, I just typed out a post then accidentally pressed 'back' on the browser and poof, it's gone...

Anyway, to sum up, I'm late to this but I liked it and couldn't see any big flaws. The only things I noted have already been said: the dreams line, and the first paragraph. I agree that it felt a bit childish and it contrasted with the key description in the extract; that felt a lot more like an outside pair of eyes than 'her', judging on what the first paragraph is, stylistically. That's probably a factor of the splicing, though, and I'm sure it can be fixed. But it's a fairly minor problem, and this is a small extract, so I wouldn't get too hung up on it unless it flits about like that throughout the whole thing.

 

[Glisterspeck]

In the beginning, It really feels like dialogue. Like there are missing quotes at the start of each sentence. I think that's the voice bit Brian is talking about. What is the frame story here? Is the MC just telling us this? Straight narration? Might be more impactful if he were telling a NPC.

The most famous one, Abderus, ate people and put them on spikes and had them torn apart by horses. He was so bloodthirsty the earth got filled with salt and nothing grew any more. Before he wiped everyone out, the Witch Council made the Priestesses.

Seems like I'm the only one who didn't follow the path from Abderus to Priestess here. Who is the witch council? Mentioned earlier, I'm guessing? Like everyone else, the dream bit threw me.

 

[JoanDrake]

I must be the only one who doesn't remember what "malasangre" means. Going by Latin it could be "bad blood" but if this guy is a wizard why is he a beggar?

I'm a little confused by the whole thing, what with the dreams and all, but think I catch the gist. It's a very evocative scene.

I really like the way you have the little girl seeming sort of callous because I think witnessing that kind of thing would numb you at first. It's only later that shock would come. Also, she's a child and children don't know how to react to unusual things, not right away at least, but they're always curious

Bodies contain a lot of blood, 6 quarts, or a gallon and a half is the average. That wouldn't all bleed out right away, of course, but there would be enough to do what you describe and more.

 

[Hex]

Brilliant. Thank you. 'Malasangre' (or whatever word I decide to use eventually) is mentioned earlier.

The story's in first person so the voice is kind of chatty and slightly dialoguey. She's thinking it, really.

I will kill the dream bit -- that's very helpful. Thank you very much!