Wicked King

[Drakai]

I don't know if anyone is going to bother criticizing a high schooler's scrawlings when there is real work to criticize but I'm hoping for the least bit of help I can get. First things first, I think a small description of myself is required. I'm at the last year of high school and I've always loved writing. English is not my main language, I'm generally confident with my overall English but writing is a whole different story so I need all the help I can get. Don't be hesitant to smash me down with criticism, I can take it. And hell, I'm either going to learn this thing or learn this thing.

(Inspired by the song Curse My Name from Blind Guardian.)


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The decrowned king is forced to walk to the gallows through citizens cursing and insulting him. A boy throws a rock at him, it hits him in the head. Startled as he is, he stops for a moment. Guards push him to make him continue walking. He trips and falls into the mud.His clothes, consisting of prison rags are smudged with dirt and mud. He feels his head spinning and his consciousness slipping away as guards drag him and get him on his feet.

He reaches the platform on which the gallows rise and he thinks to himself "What did I do to make them hate me this much?". Sure he was sometimes strict, he did not hesitate to use his power to scare and intimidate his people but those were all strategies to keep the land in order. He was also generous at times. The so called "Wicked King" was generally merciful and forgiving. Did they forget all the good he did? Do they only remember the bad parts?

As he climbs the stairs to the gallows, he sees his vizier at the front of the crowd. He is smiling. Smiling and looking right to the eyes of the fallen king.

The king understands everything. He was not at fault, it was not him that brought this destruction upon himself but a conspiracy. Plotting nobles, bribed soldiers and people lied to.It was all planned, they were the wolves and he was the lamb. Can you imagine? Everyone was the hunter and he was the victim. The most powerful man in the land, deceived!

The executioner ties the noose around his neck. His vizier climbs the stairs to the gallows and stands next to executioner. He says to the king " Do you have any last words? Maybe you want to confess and repent?".

The king just stands there, unable to say anything. "If you have nothing to say.." King looks at his Vizier and then at the crowd.

"I do have things to tell, although I have no intention te repent."

The crowd goes crazy, cursing and screaming once again.

"Silence!" says the vizier "It would be only fair if we listened to a dying man's last words, be it words of repentance or lies. He looks at the king, allowing him to talk as the crowd gets silent. It was not out of mercy, king thinks to himself, no he was just trying to appear just and merciful to the crowd.

He prepares himself for death, as he knows that these will be his last words.

"I, King Lucas Mouren Louis the Third, am condemned to death. I have been betrayed by those whom I trusted the most. You will not believe me, this I know. You will dismiss my words as a condemned man's excuses and lies to save himself. But you know you are being lied to, you know you are being deceived. You are content with your lives as long as you see people suffer worse fates. This is why you will enjoy my death, this is why this wicked ceremony takes place. You are much more cruel than you accuse me of being. You are the real liars, you are the real murderers as you close your eyes to the injustice.."

Vizier orders the executioner to pull the lever, he pulls the lever but the mechanism doesn't work as the lever gets stuck. Vizier, crazy with anger, pushes the executioner away and continues trying to pull the lever. Wicked king continues fearlessly ".. for this, I curse you. I plead to God that you suffer the cruelest of deaths. I die without humiliation but your end will not be so as long as my curse haunts you!" The mechanism finally works. King suffocates after struggling for a minute. The vizier turns to the crowd expecting a cheer but a haunting silence is all he finds. None of them can cheer the death of their "Wicked King".

 

[stephen.samuels]

Its all bit detached with too much of your narration rather than speaking through your pov, as a result it feels more like a outline than a narrative. Just make it more emotive. refer to the king by name and tell us more about his conflict. Might help to stick a flash back or two in there.

But well done for posting a critic and very well done with english being your second language.

Stephen

PS we all have to start somewhere.

 

[Drakai]

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I'll certainly take your advice into consideration I think it feels detached too. And yes, names are one of my biggest problems. I try to hide the characters name as long as I can almost instinctively and it comes to a point where I simply cannot go on with the writing.

 

[stephen.samuels]

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I'll certainly take your advice into consideration I think it feels detached too. And yes, names are one of my biggest problems. I try to hide the characters name as long as I can almost instinctively and it comes to a point where I simply cannot go on with the writing.

Just get it in there. A name instantly makes the reader more involved with the character.

 

[kromanjon]

For me it felt like a scene that should be in first person narrative. Now this would not help you get his name in right away but sometimes an "I" can be just as powerful if the narrative voice is strong enough.

On another note though I was left wondering why the vizier would allow the king to speak. Seems like he allready won so the king can only bring harm through his final speech.

 

[J Riff]

Hey, it's readable....maybe you could try changing the tense as an exercise, as in: The King was forced to walk...and just follow it through.

The decrowned king is forced to walk to the gallows through a crowd of citizens cursing and insulting him.
Startled (as he is), he stops for a moment.
He reaches the platform (on) from which the gallows rise,
he did not hesitate to use his power to scare and intimidate his people but this was merely a strategy to keep the land in order.

As he climbs the stairs to the gallows, he sees his vizier at the front of the crowd. (He) The vizier is smiling.

The king understands everything. He was (is) ... not at fault,

allowing him to talk as the crowd goes silent.

etc. little things matter, repeating words close together or jumping tenses.
WD.

 

[JoanDrake]

Hey, not to rewrite your stuff but nothing's happening. The King is being executed by the Vizier, that's what they're for, isn't it?

Now have him maybe not accuse the crowd of anything but have him say he doesn't know why this is happening but he bears them no ill will for it. Have him forgive them and ask for their forgiveness and then tell them all to think of the country above everything as the Vizier struggles with the lever. Have him end with "Vive La Wherever" just before he drops.

And then the crowd is silent, and the Vizier isn't smiling any more.

Just a thought though, your story.

 

[Greenwoody]

Hi Drakai, This is my very first post on here, so as a novice to critiquing I’ll just feed back on the first paragraph & hopefully not offend, or not too much!


The first sentence (+first few lines) is all-important; need to hook the reader. The writing advice guides usually say to ‘show, don’t tell’ where poss. One way to show’s through dialogue, so how about a line of dialogue from the jeering crowd for the first sentence to grab the reader’s attention: “Die, you wretch, die!”


Then, as already pointed out, the style/tense feels a bit detached at the mo. Be great to make reader feel sorry for the king and keep reading to find out what happens, so could do with tweaking it a bit. If I was editing the rest of the paragraph as if it were my own (hope this is ok), I’d tweak it to something like:
“The curses came from all sides as the crowd surged around the old king, guards shoving him along.
His mind a giddy blur of pitiless screaming faces, the king strove to keep walking and maintain some dignity in his final hour, for with each shaky step the gallows loomed ever closer.
He cried out in pain as a rock thrown by a boy struck his forehead, downing him. He tasted a mouthful of foul mud, his ragged prison clothes splattered with more filth. The next instant rough hands hauled him back to his feet and shoved him onwards.”


Agree with other comments that you might want to try putting it in first person to see if that works, & that flashbacks could work well; e.g. after, “What did I do to make them hate me this much?” how about flashback to something like king ordering “50 lashes” as a peasant pleads that he can’t pay taxes. Could maybe have series of amusing such flashbacks, answering different questions like, “But I was fair and honest wasn’t I?” then show a flashback to him stealing from poor or something.


Hope this might help a bit. First got interested in writing at high school age myself. Appreciate it must be so much harder when English isn’t your main language, but it’s a potentially intriguing start so keep going.

 

[Abernovo]

Hey neighbour!
Please remember, these are nothing more than my own opinions. If they help, then please use them. If not, feel free to ignore.

For me, the piece has a good scenario: the execution of a deposed monarch, possibly freeing his vizier to seize the throne. That's a classic beginning for a tale, allowing for lots of potential in the story to follow.

However, for me, it lacks connection. This happens. Then this happens. Then, this happens, after that. It's all separate points of occurrence, without a strong narrative voice to keep it focussed. Perhaps one way to solve that would be to give emotional insights into a character, so that it's clearly from their point of view, and rather than just saying what happens, we find out what people (or one of them, at least) are feeling as they witness these events. That would take me, as a reader, deeper into the story.

For instance:

None of them can cheer the death of their "Wicked King".

Why? Was he actually kind to them, and not 'wicked' at all? Did they pity him, in his weakened state, despite him once being a despot? Was he harsh, but had at least protected them from bandits? Giving an individual's emotions here would (in my opinion) enrich the story.

You're using Present Tense, which is possibly one of the more difficult tenses for story-telling. Not impossible, but it can be tricky. One of it's advantages, though, is that it can be good for getting emotions over, as it's 'immediate'.

I wouldn't worry about your age, by the way. You're not the only teenager in the Chrons community. There are a few, as well as several in their early 20s. I'm not one of them, though - I'm allegedly due one of those crisis moments, to compensate for greying hair. As to your command of English, I'd say you've got the mechanics down well. Not a lot to worry about there, either.

Anyway, good luck with this project.

 

[Drakai]

Thanks for all the helpful comments. I'm not sure how appropriate it is for me to answer a criticism but I think I should say a few words.

@Greenwoody

Whatever you say is perfectly okay, as I said I can take almost every kind of criticism. I really liked the "starting with dialog" idea. Introducing the story with an action-in this case dialog- sounds like a brilliant idea. And I really liked your version of the story. Definitely better than mine. Thanks for your comment. Oh and I can't use that kind of flashback because I wanted to portray the king as a rather good king to make his people look ungrateful and bad. The idea was to denounce public executions.

@Abernovo

I'd say fellow countryman as I consider myself a resident of Earth rather than my country.

Thanks for your comment. This was my first try to write in present tense and I found it harder than expected. I think I'm going to stick with good ol' past tense.

I think I'm going to rewrite this thing while taking into consideration all the advice I got but this isn't a large project. Just a short story. I want to preserve the simplicity.

The general opinion seems to be that this feels detached. I'm going to work on that. Practice makes perfect, right? Gotta push it.