Smoke and Daggers (abt 500 words)

[AnyaKimlin]

I have written Mayhem's sequel to first draft level but have decided to sneak another book in between the two. How does this work as a beginning to the new story?

Also help with modern terminology of drug use would help. I am confident about writing the addict side of it but my knowledge is out of date and I don't want to sound like an old fart.

I will probably edit the bad language out later - for some reason despite not swearing much in real life my characters swear like Julie Andrews in the first draft and need editing later.



My cave smelt wrong. A musty aroma mingled in with the damp, salty air. Someone else was here, hiding in the dark and they were not smoking cigarettes.

“Who’s there?” I shout and wave my torch in the direction of a small red light.

This was my personal dark haven and the fact that someone had dared to invade was pissing me off big time. I wanted time to cry, sob, whinge, wail and generally object to my shitty life. That was not something I needed and audience for.

A small scrawny boy with piercing dark eyes glared back at me. “I was here first. And I ain’t sharing.” He took a drag of the joint in his hand and leaned his head back against the cave wall. Ignoring me completely, he stared up at the ceiling.

My nose wrinkles in disgust. “Why would I want the muck anyway?” Unsure what to do I take up my usual seat on the rock opposite him. “How’d you get here without a torch?”

He points to the big silver, government issue flashlight. “Turned it off. This stuff gives me a better perspective on life when I smoke it in the dark.” Forming an O with his mouth he blows smoke rings up to the ceiling. “You’re Jane Alexander, right? What you doin’ in my space.”

“It’s my space.” I take my school bag off and hug it tight. “How’d you know who I am?”

He leans forward, tucks the spliff behind his back and holds out his hand. “Qing Reuben. I seen you wi’ Nate.”

The name causes me to catch my breath a little and I take his hand gingerly, aware I must seem a little rude. “Umm nice to meet you Mr Reuben.” My eyes are drawn to the convict bracelet. “How do they not know where you are?”

He laughs, softening his whole face. “I promise not to kill you.” He waves the wrist with the bracelet on at me. “This can be got round. Currently my foster fathers are being told I am dutifully sitting at my desk at school.”

I draw my knees up, frustrated at the lack of personal space. His eyes invade every inch of me Tears aren’t far away but no way was I going to cry in front of this stranger. He looks very different in real life to the mug shots with the staring, scary eyes they had shown in the papers. He’s put on weight since he tried to kill the king last year.

“Gonna tell me why you are here?” He crosses his long, thin legs.

Unable to trust my emotions I shake my head. “Need to be alone.”

“Sure you don’t want some of this?” He holds out the joint. “It is good at helping you forget how **** life is?”

“What’s wrong with you—“ I bit my lip, infuriated at myself for asking it. He’s sitting there with a convict bracelet on for the Universal Father’s sake.

“And no thanks I don’t do drugs. Nate would end my apprenticeship if he found out. Surprised he and Soc let you – you know.” I point at it.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Ugh - it meant to be in present tense lol - umm noticed it keeps migrating.

 

[Hex]

Just from a quick zip through -- it's interesting and I liked the scene but I found the tense switching really hard to ignore. It happens too often for me to get used to either present or past. Sometimes you do it in the same line, e.g.

"I draw my knees up, frustrated at the lack of personal space. His eyes invaded every inch of me as I sat there."

Edit: Heee. I have the same problem the other way -- ie: I find it hard to keep what I write past tense!

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I have started to fix it lol Sorry about that - I have had two weeks of working in past tense and it takes awhile to get used to present tense again. I've edited that line in particular (so people don't think it was Hex being the idiot - it was me).

 

[ctg]

First of all a spliff doesn't smell like a normal smoke. It's a sweet, aromatic smell that you get off the wind when you pass some of the geezer smoking in secret. So if you know, you know what his smoking, otherwise you might as well say it's a roll-up.

Secondly, addiction? What addiction?

Thirdly, present tense is a bit all over the place. I've noticed that many people prefer present these days and some of it has been especially bad to my eyes. But then again, being foreigner, what do I know? However if you want, I'll do my edits after I've come back from evening service.

 

[Tecdavid]

My cave smelt wrong. A musty aroma mingled in with the damp, salty air. Someone else was here, hiding in the dark and they were not smoking cigarettes. Establishing the place's scent is good, although I think it would be a little better if you emphasised on the "musty aroma". You know, if you were to compare it to something a bit more particular.

“Who’s there?” I shout and wave my torch in the direction of a small red light.

This was my personal dark haven and the fact that someone had dared to invade was pissing me off big time. I wanted time to cry, sob, whinge, wail and generally object to my shitty life. That was not something I needed and audience for. The foul language comes as quite a surprise, actually, but if this were an opening, I'm not sure how I'd feel about it... That is, if this is the first time we see this character, the notion that they're here to "cry, sob, whinge and wail" doesn't strike me as hugely alluring.

A small scrawny boy with piercing dark eyes glared back at me. “I was here first. And I ain’t sharing.” He took a drag of the joint in his hand and leaned his head back against the cave wall. Ignoring me completely, he stared up at the ceiling.

My nose wrinkles in disgust. “Why would I want the muck anyway?” Unsure what to do I take up my usual seat on the rock opposite him. “How’d you get here without a torch?” I'm a little bit confused here. It's mentioned that this was her haven, and that the presence of someone else irritated her, but at this boy's words, she says "why would I want the muck anyway". Is she referring to the cave, and trying to imply it isn't so great? That seems strangely submissive and condescending if it's her haven, or has she not been here long?

He points to the big silver, government issue flashlight. “Turned it off. This stuff gives me a better perspective on life when I smoke it in the dark.” Forming an O with his mouth he blows smoke rings up to the ceiling. “You’re Jane Alexander, right? What you doin’ in my space.”

“It’s my space.” I take my school bag off and hug it tight. “How’d you know who I am?” This gives a better indication of their ages, which is helpful.

He leans forward, tucks the spliff behind his back and holds out his hand. “Qing Reuben. I seen you wi’ Nate.”

The name causes me to catch my breath a little and I take his hand gingerly, aware I must seem a little rude. “Umm nice to meet you Mr Reuben.” My eyes are drawn to the convict bracelet. “How do they not know where you are?”

He laughs, softening his whole face. “I promise not to kill you.” He waves the wrist with the bracelet on at me. “This can be got round. Currently my foster fathers are being told I am dutifully sitting at my desk at school.” I have to admit, I’m not so sure about the dialogue. Qing seems boyishly brash, which is fine, until the line "Currently my foster fathers are being told that I am dutifully sitting at my desk at school." which clashes quite suddenly with that. I can understand if he's putting on a mocking tone of voice, but it doesn't really come across that way.

I draw my knees up, frustrated at the lack of personal space. His eyes invade every inch of me Tears aren’t far away but no way was I going to cry in front of this stranger. He looks very different in real life to the mug shots with the staring, scary eyes they had shown in the papers. He’s put on weight since he tried to kill the king last year. Again, I see a clash of character here. She's about to cry, but this seems strange considering how willingly she shook Qing's hand a moment ago. Perhaps she did it out of fear, but it seemed to be done quite willingly.

“Gonna tell me why you are here?” He crosses his long, thin legs.

Unable to trust my emotions I shake my head. “Need to be alone.”

“Sure you don’t want some of this?” He holds out the joint. “It is good at helping you forget how **** life is?”

“What’s wrong with you—“ I bit my lip, infuriated at myself for asking it. He’s sitting there with a convict bracelet on for the Universal Father’s sake.

“And no thanks I don’t do drugs. Nate would end my apprenticeship if he found out. Surprised he and Soc let you – you know.” I point at it. I think this should be part of the previous paragraph, since it's still her dialogue.

There are a few things I'm uncertain about here, but if refined, I think it could be a pretty interesting scene! A troubled girl meeting a convicted boy could be the grounds for any number of stirring stories.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Ahh the last paragraph was a mistake - I put it in when I pasted it and shouldn't.

Thanks for that I'll go and look at it. It is very rough and I don't know the characters very well but I have written so many boring beginnings I wasn't sure what worked anymore.

Jane in my previous story was a thirteen year old who was lured on the internet by my evil general - he wanted her to be his new wife when he had killed the existing one. She proved quite a tough cookie and without her ability to give information the big battle scene would have gone very differently.

This is the basic blurb: Jane Alexander, school outcast and spy apprentice forms a friendship with Qing Reuben the kid who had tried to kill the king a year before. When the Queen and Qing go missing he is the chief suspect but she overhears a discussion at school between the children of two members of an evil secret society. Unable to get anyone to listen she sets out with her best friend fire elemental, Flare Sawyl, to find the Queen and to clear Qing's name.

I'm thinking they are now fourteen and fifteen. (Maybe fifteen and sixteen).