First Chapter - Siege of Gernrik (655 words)

[Glisterspeck]

So I posted this for critique some time ago, took the feedback, and ended up editing my entire MS for voice.

I wanted to repost my edited version for two reasons:

First, I'm enjoying getting to know you all through your work, and thought it may be helpful for others to see what I'm slaving away at so they can understand my own writing style, sensibilities and taste. I find knowing this to be a helpful bit of metadata when considering someone's critique feedback.

Second, I want to know if it is working as intended! This is the first chapter in the book, the first of four that introduce my four POV characters. I am open to absolutely any critique, the more honest and open the better; I am a creative professional (not writer) and former college instructor, so do not worry about hurt feelings -- I swallowed my feelings, digested them, and left them in a toilet somewhere a long time ago. In addition to general critique, my main question would be, do you typically read fantasy, and if so, would you continue on to chapter 2? Would you continue on to chapter 2 even if you did not read fantasy?

All right. Here goes:

_________________________________________________________________

The Keeper

Unkel scrambled up an alley wall. Most gern were good climbers, but Unkel was best. No gern was better. None.

Stuck a claw between two stones, Unkel did, wrinkled his snout, sniffed the night air. Summer, brine, wet fur. Smelly two-hide. Dimbird. Eggs. Unkel raked his foot across the stones, searched for a toehold. Wizard wanted eggs, asked Unkel to find eggs. Was not Unkel's job. Unkel was lantern keeper. Unkel's begetter, lantern keeper. His begetter's begetter, lantern keeper. Since the fall of Gernreg they were lantern keepers.

A stone block jutted from the wall above Unkel's head. Unkel pushed against his toehold, grabbed the block. The block wobbled beneath Unkel's claws. Loose mortar crumbled around the stone. Whipped by the howling wind, chunks of mortar and bits of gravel stung the raw, new hide of Unkel’s forearm, then whirled down to bounce against the alley stairs, way below.

The gravel rained down on Unkel's pet nerk, Glew, rained down on the smelly two-hide that stood on the stairs beside Glew. The two-hide jerked at Glew's chain with one hand. Three other hands the two-hide waved against the gravel rain. Unkel spat at the two-hide, but the wind splattered the spit against his own leg. Unkel sniffled. Smelly two-hide better not hurt Glew. Nasty two-hide. Deadhide.

Unkel clung to the wall, wiped the spit from his leg. He should not waste the Blood of Gernreg. Wrong to do so. Sacrilege. He licked the spit from his fingers, sniffed again. Brine. Dimbird. Eggs. Glew was right. They were there, across the alley, on the warehouse roof. None better than Glew, not at finding eggs. Or tubers. Or pikrats. Good hunter, Glew. Best. Unkel pulled at the wobbly block, threw himself upward. The stone scraped from its setting, slid free. Plummeted, it did, beneath Unkel, toward Glew.

“Run!” Unkel yelled. “Run, Glew!”

Unkel kicked the wall, sprung backwards, spun in midair, looked for Glew. The two-hide, too big and too bulky, reeled away from the falling block, stumbled over Glew. Unkel twisted. Down he reached, grabbed at the tumbling stone, clutched air.

Glew squealed, lurched, dashed the two-hide against the wall. The stone crashed, split the step where the two-hide had stood to spy on Unkel. The sound of cracking slate boomed and echoed up and down the alley steps.

Unkel slammed against the warehouse, belly first. He slid down the plastered wall. His legs thrashed bricks, his claws slashed rotten plaster. Jammed a claw between bricks, he did, jerked to a stop.

Unkel screamed. His weight pulled at his claw, which began to rip, slowly, from its socket. Unkel clenched his gums, scraped his feet across the plaster, found a rotting brick, kicked his right foot, dug all three toes into the brick. Somewhere above, a dimbird shrieked.

Unkel hung against the wall. The Blood of Gernreg seeped from the torn claw, trickled down his arm. His hand throbbed. The newly molted hide of his forearm hung from a strip of raw skin near his elbow. The wind slapped the molted hand against his face. Unkel swept the withered fingers from over his eyes and looked for Glew.

Sniffing at the ground, Glew wobbled across the shattered step. She stopped below Unkel, snuffled at the wall, looked up. Eggs. Glew was good hunter. Best.

Unkel reached for a crack in the plaster. Sunk his claws into the crack, he did, clamped his lips between his gums, shriveled up his snout, wrenched his bloody claw free. He clambered up the wall, not so fast as before, but fast. Unkel was good climber. Best.

Above Unkel, beating frail wings against the waning moon, flailing against the howling wind, the dimbird shrieked again. Unkel frowned at the bird as he climbed.

"Too little, dimbird," said Unkel. "Nothing to do but scream. Wizard wants eggs. Wizard sends Unkel for eggs."

 

[ctg]

To be honest I'd like to read more but for how long, I don't know. His voice is a bit too much and towards the end I noticed myself skimming the text, trying desperately to find anything to grasp. So I would say that as a first chapter the voice is driving away some of the readers. The readers want to know a bit more about the character before they start accepting or even expecting to see the voice.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I looked at your last one when I was rushed with work, but I have a nice cup of tea in front of me now and can take a bit of time.

Firstly, I do read fantasy, but am not the greatest lover of it in the world, being more of a sci-fi girl. I'll answer the second at the end.
_________________________________________________________________

UnkelI'm not sure about the name being so like uncle scrambled up an alley wall. Most gern were good climbers, but Unkel was best. No gern was better. None.

Stuck a claw between two stones, Unkel did, wrinkled his snout, sniffed the night air. Summer, brine, wet fur. Smelly two-hide. Dimbird. Eggs. Unkel raked his foot across the stones, searched for a toehold. Wizard wanted eggs, asked Unkel to find eggs. Was not Unkel's job. Unkel was lantern keeper. Unkel's begetter, lantern keeper. His begetter's begetter, lantern keeper. Since the fall of Gernreg they were lantern keepers.I like the voice. I'm finding it easy enough to follow, but I am having to concentrate.

A stone block jutted from the wall above Unkel's head.The voice seemed to switch here. Having read on, this sentence definitely felt like a switch to a narrator. Unkel pushed against his toehold, grabbed the block. The block wobbled beneath Unkel's claws. Loose mortar crumbled around the stone. Whipped by the howling wind, chunks of mortar and bits of gravel stung the raw, new hide of Unkel’s forearm, then whirledthis makes me think of sand or something lighter than mortar and gravel down to bounce against the alley stairs, way below.

The gravel rained down on Unkel's pet nerk, Glew, rained down on the smelly two-hide that stood on the stairs beside Glew. The two-hide jerked at Glew's chain with one hand. Three other handsdidn't understand this the two-hide waved against the gravel rain. Unkel spat at the two-hide, but the wind splattered the spit against his own leg. Unkel sniffled. Smelly two-hide better not hurt Glew. Nasty two-hide. Deadhide.

Unkel clung to the wall, wiped the spit from his leghow? If he's hanging onto the wall. He should not waste the Blood of Gernreg. Wrong to do so. Sacrilege. He licked the spit from his fingers, sniffed again. Brine. Dimbird. Eggs. Glew was right. They were there, across the alley, on the warehouse roof. None better than Glew, not at finding eggs. Or tubers. Or pikrats. Good hunter, Glew. Best. Unkel pulled at the wobbly block, threw himself upward. The stone scraped from its setting, slid free. Plummeted, it did, beneath Unkel, toward Glew.

“Run!” Unkel yelled. “Run, Glew!”

Unkel kicked the wall, sprung backwards, spun in midair, looked for Glew. The two-hide, too big and tooI'm not sure the repeat works for me bulky, reeled away from the falling block, stumbled over Glew. Unkel twisted. Down he reached, grabbed at the tumbling stone, clutched air.

Glew squealed, lurched, dashed the two-hide against the wall. The stone crashed, split the step where the two-hide had stood to spy on Unkel. The sound of cracking slate boomed and echoed up and down the alley steps.

Unkel slammed against the warehouse, belly first. He slid down the plastered wall. His legs thrashed bricks, his claws slashed rotten plaster. Jammed a claw between bricks, he did, jerked to a stop.

Unkel screamed. His weight pulled at his claw, which began to rip, slowly, from its socket.Some sort of reaction to what must be painful? Unkel clenched his gumsthis didn't feel like a strong enough reaction, scraped his feet across the plaster, found a rotting brick, kicked his right foot, dug all three toes into the brick. Somewhere above, a dimbird shrieked.

Unkel hung against the wall. The Blood of Gernreghere I got a tiny bit confused. He called his spit the blood of gernreg above, and now his blood. Is it all bodily fluids, or did the spit contain blood, or did I miss something? seeped from the torn claw, trickled down his arm. His hand throbbed. The newly molted hide of his forearm hung from a strip of raw skin near his elbow. The wind slapped the molted hand against his face. Unkel swept the withered fingers from over his eyes and looked for Glew.

Sniffing at the ground, Glew wobbled across the shattered step. She stopped below Unkel, snuffled at the wall, looked up. Eggs. Glew was good hunter. Best.

Unkel reached for a crack in the plaster. Sunk his claws into the crack, he did, clamped his lips between his gums, shriveled up his snout, wrenched his bloody claw free. He clambered up the wall, not so fast as before, but fast. Unkel was good climber. Best. This repeat works for me.

Above Unkel, beating frail wings against the waning moon, flailing against the howling wind, the dimbird shrieked again. Unkel frowned at the bird as he climbed.

"Too little, dimbird," said Unkel. "Nothing to do but scream. Wizard wants eggs. Wizard sends Unkel for eggs."[/QUOTE]

Okay, I liked the voice. You say it shifts between four povs, and that's probably a good thing, as I don't think I could read a whole book in this voice. Only one sentence jarred for me, voicewise, and I've highlighted it above. I liked the imagery.

I got a little lost at one point in the placement as he fell, but it's not my strong point, placement, so it will be interesting to see if anyone else did. (It was the point where he spun in the air.)

I am wondering about the eggs, about whether two-hides are humans or something else, and it was engaging enough that I'd read on to the next chapter to see what happened next. I enjoyed it.

 

[Boneman]

I do read fantasy, and I would read on to chapter 2. But... if the writing continued in exactly the same fashion (which works very well in this chapter) then I'd be looking for more depth/descriptive prose to it. I think this section (the short sentences, the repetition - even if he did channel Yoda a little) works very well at bringing a gern with little brain forward, but I got a little confused who was who below, especially the "Unkel's pet nerk, Glew," and the two-hide, which is nitpicking, really. It's quite a unique voice, but I don't think I could read a whole story this way.

 

[JoanDrake]

I read fantasy and would read on. I'd be hoping for a bit of explanation and clarification pretty shortly, however.

 

[Glisterspeck]

His voice is a bit too much and towards the end I noticed myself skimming the text, trying desperately to find anything to grasp

CTG, it was your original feedback, way back in 2010 or so, that made me think, what if I carried Unkel's voice out of the inner monologues and dialogue into the prose itself? I've been pretty happy with the results, but it looks like I might have overshot the target a bit.

I do read fantasy, and I would read on to chapter 2. But... if the writing continued in exactly the same fashion (which works very well in this chapter) then I'd be looking for more depth/descriptive prose to it. I think this section (the short sentences, the repetition - even if he did channel Yoda a little)

Boneman, the next chapter is narrated by my most articulate POV character (she thinks in complete sentences, mostly ), and lays out a broad description of the environment, as close as I have to what in film would be an establishing shot. The Yodaness comes, I think, from the use of verb-object-subject constructions, which is one of the ways I keep his voice in the prose later on, when it does get more descriptive.

Springs, I'll pull that stone block bit behind the following sentence, which should tighten the voice there. I might also pull the scream behind the claw pull, or have him scream again. It's thematically important that I set up a metaphor here between Unkel and the dimbird (though the importance may not become evident to the reader for a while) so I want to start with Unkel screaming and end with the dimbird doing so.

It's where you are getting lost that concerns me most: the two-hide has four arms and four hands, thus the extra hands, and with the Blood of Gernreg, you've nailed it, it's pretty much the whole of their bodily fluids. I don't mind leaving the reader a little confused at this point, as both points get cleared up in the next Unkel chapter, but I wouldn't want the reader to be so confused that she drops the book.

For me, I want the reader to work at the story, invest in it some, so I leave a ton up to reader interpretation. It's a lot of why I like Umberto Eco so much, because he writes in his academic work on semiotics about the role of the active reader and then writes stories that work as excellent examples of that role. It's what I loved about Clockwork Orange; the reader has to become active to interpret Nadsat. At the same time, I do want to sell this book, so I have to walk a fine line. :|

As to the name Unkel, it is pronounced uncle. Several of the characters have names that are homonyms: The two-hide is named Klenik, and there are warriors named Hurekine and Tundarane, for instance. Do you know why that bothers you? Is it too cutesy?

Thanks everyone, for taking the time!

 

[Colbey Frost]

The Keeper

Unkel scrambled up an alley wall. Most gern were good climbers, but Unkel was best. No gern was better. None. (For me “unkel scrambled up an alley wall” is vague, especially for an opening line. And the second part about you telling us how good a climber he is should be shown in the below paragraphs, not told to us before we have a chance to see it for ourselves.)

Stuck a claw between two stones, Unkel did (The name sounding like “uncle” isn’t too bad as you read on, you get used to it, but the Yoda speech pattern is something that throws me out of the read every time), wrinkled his snout, sniffed the night air. Summer, brine, wet fur. Smelly two-hide. Dimbird. Eggs. Unkel raked his foot across the stones, searched for a toehold. Wizard wanted eggs, asked Unkel to find eggs. Was not Unkel's job. Unkel was lantern keeper. Unkel's begetter, lantern keeper. His begetter's begetter, lantern keeper. Since the fall of Gernreg they were lantern keepers. (I think what would work better would be bigger chunks of narration, and then Unkel’s own thoughts in italics every now and again. You can keep them fairly constant, but too much too quick is distracting.)

A stone block jutted from the wall above Unkel's head. Unkel pushed against his toehold, grabbed the block. The block wobbled beneath Unkel's claws. Loose mortar crumbled around the stone. Whipped by the howling wind, chunks of mortar and bits of gravel stung the raw, new hide of Unkel’s forearm, then whirled down to bounce against the alley stairs, way below. (This paragraph is nothing like the last one. Better, but further away from your vision I would guess. A merge of the last two paragraphs is what would work better in my eyes.)

The gravel rained down on Unkel's pet nerk, Glew, rained down on the smelly two-hide that stood on the stairs beside Glew. The two-hide jerked at Glew's chain with one hand. Three other hands the two-hide waved against the gravel rain. Unkel spat at the two-hide, but the wind splattered the spit against his own leg. Unkel sniffled. Smelly two-hide better not hurt Glew. Nasty two-hide. Deadhide.

Unkel clung to the wall, wiped the spit from his leg. He should not waste the Blood of Gernreg. Wrong to do so. Sacrilege. He licked the spit from his fingers, sniffed again. Brine. Dimbird. Eggs. Glew was right. They were there, across the alley, on the warehouse roof. None better than Glew, not at finding eggs. Or tubers. Or pikrats. Good hunter, Glew. Best. Unkel pulled at the wobbly block, threw himself upward. The stone scraped from its setting, slid free. Plummeted, it did, beneath Unkel, toward Glew. (I like the bits where Unkel is speaking to himself, but it doesn’t match up to the rest for me. Goes from “None better than Glew, not at finding eggs. Or tubers. Or pikrats. Good hunter, Glew. Best” to “Unkel pulled at the wobbly block, threw himself” doesn’t feel like it flows and I think this is because sometimes there are more thoughts than prose.)

“Run!” Unkel yelled. “Run, Glew!”

Unkel kicked the wall, sprung backwards, spun in midair, looked for Glew. The two-hide, too big and too bulky, reeled away from the falling block, stumbled over Glew. Unkel twisted. Down he reached, grabbed at the tumbling stone, clutched air.

Glew squealed, lurched, dashed the two-hide against the wall. The stone crashed, split the step where the two-hide had stood to spy on Unkel. The sound of cracking slate boomed and echoed up and down the alley steps.

Unkel slammed against the warehouse, belly first. He slid down the plastered wall. His legs thrashed bricks, his claws slashed rotten plaster. Jammed a claw between bricks, he did (No need for it! haha ), jerked to a stop.

Unkel screamed. His weight pulled at his claw, which began to rip, slowly, from its socket. Unkel clenched his gums, scraped his feet across the plaster, found a rotting brick, kicked his right foot, dug all three toes into the brick. Somewhere above, a dimbird shrieked.

Unkel hung against the wall. The Blood of Gernreg seeped from the torn claw, trickled down his arm. His hand throbbed. The newly molted hide of his forearm hung from a strip of raw skin near his elbow. The wind slapped the molted hand against his face. Unkel swept the withered fingers from over his eyes and looked for Glew. (The last group of paragraphs worked so much better without all the internal thoughts. I think you could have added some in, like you have in the below ones. It can work.)

Sniffing at the ground, Glew wobbled across the shattered step. She stopped below Unkel, snuffled at the wall, looked up. Eggs. Glew was good hunter. Best.

Unkel reached for a crack in the plaster. Sunk his claws into the crack, he did, clamped his lips between his gums, shriveled up his snout, wrenched his bloody claw free. He clambered up the wall, not so fast as before, but fast. Unkel was good climber. Best.

Above Unkel, beating frail wings against the waning moon, flailing against the howling wind, the dimbird shrieked again. Unkel frowned at the bird as he climbed.

"Too little, dimbird," said Unkel. "Nothing to do but scream. Wizard wants eggs. Wizard sends Unkel for eggs."

(I think the second half is much better than the first half, as if you’re not trying as hard which actually works in your favor. Sometimes the internal thoughts can be a bit too much as it interrupts flow.

I would be interested to see how this would work in first person from Unkel. If you were to tone it down a little, and maybe have Unkel in a slightly more poetic mood. If 3rd person is your preferred POV then you could write it in first, then just change the “I” to “he” etc, could work well for this.

Overall I admire what you’re trying to do, and if it means anything, I am inspired to want to try something like it myself… just seems more interesting, so I defiantly think you have something worth ironing out here. I think it will be about striking the right balance for you and this type of work. What that balance is who knows, but I’m sure we will know when you’ve found it.

Keep up the good work and I really hope you find something here that can help you.

[FONT=&quot]I have faith in you. Never give up.)[/FONT]

 

[Glisterspeck]

Thanks for the feedback, Christian! The opening about him being a good climber seems to be coming off as narration and telling when I mean for it to be braggadocio coming from Unkel's POV. I'm guessing this is happening because I'm not using italics for internal dialogue, but as you noted below, if I did use the italics, half the page would be italicized. (I do use them later, when I can't escape it being a direct thought in present tense, but they are pretty sparse.)

There was a time when this was supposed to just be a short story, a diversion from my WIP, an attempt to get a short published. It was in first person at the time, but I switched it when I added a second POV character. I really did like Unkel in first person; I end up putting him through a ton of grief and want the reader to really feel it all. How do you feel about books that are partly first, and the rest in third? I almost wouldn't mind doing that here.

Thanks again!

 

[kromanjon]

Couldn't get into it, the voice was way too much for me. Too choppy and unnatural having me read every line two times until I finaly just gave up and read the rest of it not realy knowing what was happening.

And there's so much world here presented without any explanation and not giving me even a second to figure things out before a new thing gets presented. I don't know what Unkle is. A gern? What's that? And then we get two-hides and dimbirds and a pet nerk named Glew I'm guessing. And by now my head is reeling. I'm confused and don't know why I should care about all this information your pushing on me in a strange voice using words like begetter that I acctually had to google to understand (me being a swede).

So that's what I thought. I do read fantasy and I would keep reding if I bought the book because I never throw a book away, but if it didn't pick up later on and get easier to read I can see myself not buying more of your books later on.

 

[Abernovo]

It's been a while since I did a crit, but I should really get back to doing more, so here goes.

I'm not a huge Fantasy reader. I prefer Science Fiction, although I have sneaky liking for Urban and Contemporary Fantasy. A lot of my thoughts have already been laid out by the others, so I'll try to avoid covering the same ground, except to say that I'd like a bit more clarity. It's a very different world, it seems, so I'd like more info - a framework to help me build the picture in my mind.

For instance, 'pet nerk' and 'two-hide' left me a bit confused. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but do it too often, or for too long, and I'd stop reading. Purely a British thing, I suspect, but I smiled at 'nerk' and had to stop myself thinking of Porridge. However, that's my issue, not yours - I don't think you should change the name.

As to the voice, I quite liked it. In fact, it added something for me, reminding me of the troll's voice in the Jim Butcher's short Restoring Faith. It made the character come to life, in the same way. So, if you can give me a little more description, I think I'd stick with this for a while (remembering that I'm not the biggest fan of Fantasy as a rule). You've already stated that the next chapter has a different PoV, which is good. I like Unkle's (like Springs, I wonder about that name) voice, but it would be hard going to read it for long periods, certainly at the start of a novel; later on, when I've got more used to him, it might be different.

Anyway, good luck with this.

 

[thaddeus6th]

block wobbled beneath - could change to 'trembled'. Same meaning in a physical sense, but with the claws it fits in the emotional sense too [I know stone doesn't have feelings...]

rained down - second time you might prefer to just write 'and'. Depends on how firmly you want the PoV character's mind to determine the style.

On the general style, I liked it. As others have said, if your other PoV characters were similar it would grate, but this individual one I think it works.

 

[Glisterspeck]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Seems to be a very fine line I've chosen to walk; I'll have to be careful to plot the course carefully!

Kromanjon, I'm guessing you wouldn't have bought the book after skimming the first few pages, so I'll take that as a would not continue. Thanks for the read just the same!

Abernovo, I had no idea nerk was a word for porridge. Ha. I'm caught by the conundrum of wanting to stay really close to character and needing to explain things that those characters wouldn't give a thought. I need a doctor Watson character, I suppose, to explain things too, but I don't introduce such a character for a couple chapters. Hm.

Thaddeus, I have relatively short chapters, none over 3,000 words, so this voice pops up every 6000 words for 2000 words or so. He is the main character in the book though. One of my concerns is that the POV voices shift so drastically, without a lot of words between, but that's another issue, I suppose.

 

[thaddeus6th]

Is it an issue? If the PoV voices are dramatically different then it'd be very easy to tell when they change and to whom.

Excepting the short comedy, I tend not to write with very strong PoVs, but if I were writing a book the way you are I'd want them to be significantly different.

 

[Tecdavid]

I like the way you've tailored the narrative around what I presume is Unkel's thought process. The 'simpleton' manner seems readily apparent to me, and it comes across to me as being rather unique. That is, it didn't come over as "simplistic writing", so if that happened to be a worry of yours, I don't think it's an issue.
There were moments where I found it tough to really feel immersed in what was happening, but I think that's actually down to the scene's narrative. It doesn't paint a picture of all that's going on, and all that's around Unkel, in great detail, of course, so maybe it's just a matter of me not being used to a narrative such as this.

I'll give a special mention to the part where Unkel's claw was torn out - I honestly winced at that.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

_________________________________________________________________

The Keeper

Unkel scrambled up an alley wall. Most gern were good climbers, but Unkel was best. No gern was better. None.

Stuck a claw between two stones, Unkel did, wrinkled his snout, sniffed the night air. Summer, brine, wet fur. Smelly two-hide. Dimbird. Eggs. Unkel raked his foot across the stones, searched for a toehold. Wizard wanted eggs, asked Unkel to find eggs. Was not Unkel's job. Unkel was lantern keeper. Unkel's begetter, lantern keeper. His begetter's begetter, lantern keeper. Since the fall of Gernreg they were lantern keepers.

A stone block jutted from the wall above Unkel's head. Unkel pushed against his toehold, grabbed the block. The block wobbled beneath Unkel's claws. Loose mortar crumbled around the stone. Whipped by the howling wind, chunks of mortar and bits of gravel Walls don't normally contain gravel stung the raw, new hide of Unkel’s forearm, then whirled down to bounce against the alley stairs, way below.

The gravel rained down on Unkel's pet nerk, Glew, rained down on the smelly two-hide that stood on the stairs beside Glew. The two-hide jerked at Glew's chain with one hand. Three other hands Why three hands? the two-hide waved against the gravel rain. Unkel spat at the two-hide, but the wind splattered the spit against his own leg. Unkel sniffled. Smelly two-hide better not hurt Glew. Nasty two-hide. Deadhide.

Unkel clung to the wall, wiped the spit from his leg. He should not waste the Blood of Gernreg. Wrong to do so. Sacrilege. He licked the spit from his fingers, sniffed again. Brine. Dimbird. Eggs. Glew was right. They were there, across the alley, on the warehouse roof. None better than Glew, not at finding eggs. Or tubers. Or pikrats. Good hunter, Glew. Best. Unkel pulled at the wobbly block, threw himself upward. The stone scraped from its setting, slid free. Plummeted, it did, beneath Unkel, toward Glew.

“Run!” Unkel yelled. “Run, Glew!”

Unkel kicked the wall, sprung backwards, spun in midair, looked for Glew. The two-hide, too big and too bulky, reeled away from the falling block, stumbled over Glew. Unkel twisted. Down he reached, grabbed at the tumbling stone, clutched air.
I fail to see how he can hang in mid-air and grab at a stone that has already fallen past him
Glew squealed, lurched, dashed the two-hide against the wall. The stone crashed, split the step where the two-hide had stood to spy on Unkel. The sound of cracking slate boomed and echoed up and down the alley steps.

Unkel slammed against the warehouse, belly first. Is it the warehouse that he was climbing? He slid down the plastered wall. His legs thrashed bricks, his claws slashed rotten plaster. Jammed a claw between bricks, he did, jerked to a stop.

Unkel screamed. His weight pulled at his claw, which began to rip, slowly, from its socket. Should hurt a lot Unkel clenched his gums, scraped his feet across the plaster, found a rotting brick, kicked his right foot, dug all three toes into the brick. Somewhere above, a dimbird shrieked.

Unkel hung against the wall. The Blood of Gernreg seeped from the torn claw, trickled down his arm. His hand throbbed. The newly molted hide of his forearm hung from a strip of raw skin near his elbow. The wind slapped the molted hand against his face. Unkel swept the withered fingers from over his eyes and looked for Glew.

Sniffing at the ground, Glew wobbled across the shattered step. She stopped below Unkel, snuffled at the wall, looked up. Eggs. Glew was good hunter. Best.

Unkel reached for a crack in the plaster. Sunk his claws into the crack, he did, clamped his lips between his gums, shriveled up his snout, wrenched his bloody claw free. He clambered up the wall, not so fast as before, but fast. Unkel was good climber. Best.

Above Unkel, beating frail wings against the waning moon, flailing against the howling wind, the dimbird shrieked again. Unkel frowned at the bird as he climbed.

"Too little, dimbird," said Unkel. "Nothing to do but scream. Wizard wants eggs. Wizard sends Unkel for eggs."

It's obvious after a line or so that this is being told in Unkel's character voice, but said voice doesn't necessarily make for a clear narrative. The repeated 'he did' is almost as if he's narrating something that already happened, and in some paragraphs the voice is more distinctive than in others.

I had real problems with the physical placement. The impression given is that the Unkel character dislodges a stone which falls past him, then he flies around in mid-air trying to catch it before it flattens his pet. Then he collides with the wall (the same one, or another one?) till he catches his claw on it and nearly rips it out. It doesn't seem to make any sense.

I also couldn't work out what the two-hide was doing there. Why is it holding the pet?

It's an imaginative bit of work, and you've obviously put a fair bit of effort into it. However the problem of physical placement noted above was quite off-putting for me and broke my involvement with the story. I'm not sure how well I'd get on reading a story where the characters were weird beasties rather than humans, unless it was very well done.
If this is the beginning of the story, there's a tad too much mystification here for my taste. Raising one question in the reader's mind that needs answering ought to be enough.
Liked the word 'dimbird' though.

 

[Glisterspeck]

Thanks, Tecdavid. I may play up the pain in the claw wrench a bit, as so many feel the scream and lip clenching response is not proportionate enough to the pain.

Cosmic Geoff, first, every time I see the name Geoffrey spelled in any of its variations, I think of the Pixies lyric, Jefrey with one F, Jeffrey, and it always, always makes me smile. So thanks to you, just for that! The spatial thing has been brought up a few times now. Springs thought it may have just been her, but I think we have a quorum of concern now, so I'll need to clear that up a bit.

 

[Bowler1]

I’ve come from your dream sequence, so I’m doing this in reverse order.

I liked this, but the voice was hard to keep up with and all said by others before. So not quite firing on all cylinders, but you’ve got me interested and I’ll be watching for other posts. Your trying for some interesting stuff and at the moment it’s a little dense and your presenting the reader with a lot of information very quickly. Unkel did come across well, but as a reader I had a lot to figure out; not a bad thing as the reader should join you in the plot, but you don’t want to lose the reader either. This one is very close to the line of losing me, but it didn’t, but it was hard work. I think you should focus on lightening the load for the reader and for an easier pace when reading – manage that, I could be a fan – but not yet mate!

Anyway, very brave and original – keep at it.