New beginnings - YA

[AnyaKimlin]

For Mayhem's sequel (I have written several of them) I've returned to an old story but want to change the POV. How confusing is this? (I struggle to get the balance right with a sequel).


A loud clatter comes from outside the glass doors that open out into the palace grounds.

‘Oy king-boy. Say that to my face you wimp.’

Glad of the diversion from the mountain of state documents requiring my signature, I cross over and use my retina to open them, just in time to watch my husband hurtle down the path with his Chief-Captain, looking more like a rag-doll, in his hands. I wince as he smacks him against a lemorasp tree; the force of impact is so great that blossom shakes down on them like confetti. There is a huge height difference and Jack is suspended a good few inches off the ground. The state of their school uniforms indicate this fight has been going on for some time. Angus' tunic is torn at the shoulder and Jack's shirt collar is ripped clean off.

‘You left me out,’ my husband whines. ‘Why?’

I grab my fan from the stand and move closer in case they get out of hand. They maybe the best of friends but both have permanent scars from previous encounters.

One of Jack’s kicks makes its mark and my husband doubles up in pain, letting go of his quarry. Jack crashes to the floor and looks up at him. He says, ‘I want …’ Holding his chest he punctuates each words with a breath. ‘This… once … to be … the centre … of attention.’

‘f*ck you,’ Angus pulls his foot back to kick Jack.

Without hesitation, I push the button and my weapon opens into its full glory.

‘Land that kick, and we won’t be having any more babies!’

He stops, turns to face me and tries to smile with his bruised jaw. ‘Bea… umm…’ The eye that isn't hidden by an eye patch is showing signs of bruising. His expression pleads with me for understanding and his hand runs through his blond dreadlocks in an attempt to make them appear neat. I continue to glare at him until his head droops.

There are days when marrying a man still in high school feels like a mistake and this is one of them. ‘My office now.’ I point in the direction of the glass doors. ‘Jack, I advise you get out of my sight.’

Jack grabs his cap, stands up and smooths down his uniform. ‘Yes, Your Majesty.’ He bows in my direction and smirks at Angus. His hand cuts across his throat in a slicing motion and he mouths, 'Your tail is gonna be whipped, boy.'

I’ve never been able to take other people teasing Angus so I throw my fan, narrowly missing his cheek and hitting the tree my husband had him pinned to earlier. ‘I said go if you want to get out of this alive.’ Bracing my head and back as straight as I can I waltz past him and retrieve my weapon.

‘What on Litae?’ But he still hasn’t moved.

I lean down and whisper in his ears. ‘You’ve been warned.’ When my head comes up I notice Angus has disappeared into the palace. My gut tells me that he needs some time and I know I need to calm down so I sit under the tree that had been the location of the earlier drama and breathe deeply, listening to the sea that crashes against the cliff our palace is built on.

 

[Hex]

Um. I quite rapidly lost track of what was happening.

Partly, I was confused about what the "them" was she opened with her retina. It was the doors, right? I wondered if it was the documents.

Reading it again, I understand more. The first time, though it felt as if they were in the room with her and I didn't know how that had happened -- if she'd opened some magical item or what.

Some funny and nice dialogue and I love the line about marrying a man still in high school.

I think you need to cull some commas, though.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

OK thanks Hex - basically it is confusing but could work ? I'll rewrite it again. I hate getting the balance right starting a second story.

Is this better?

A loud clatter comes from the palace grounds. Glad of the distraction from the mountain of official work I cross the room and look out of the glass doors that lead out into the gardens.

'Oy King-Boy, what did you say?' Chief-Captain Jack Sorenson's distinctive voice yells.

There is whirl of navy-blue as my husband, Angus, flies down the path with Jack in his hands, shaking him like a rag doll. I wince as Angus smacks him into a lemorasp tree, covering them both with blossom from the shaking branch. There is a considerable height difference between them and Jack is flailing several inches off the ground.

Some days, I regret marrying a man still in high school and I suspect this will be one of them. Grabbing my metal fan from the nearby stand, I use my retina to open the doors and step out into the gardens.

One of Jack's kicks makes its target and Angus doubles up with pain, letting go of his quarry.

'Crap!' Jack yells as he clatters to the ground and he glares up at Angus.

My husband pulls back his foot and looks like he is about to kick Jack in the ribs.

Pushing the button on the fan splays it out. 'Land that kick and you won't be producing an heir.'

 

[Hex]

I think so. It kind of depends where you're going with it (and what happened in MAYHEM). I like it as an opening scene.

On narrower edity matters, I thought the first line rather long and confusing. Contrasted with the snappy dialogue, especially.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Maybe skip the introduction and start with the dialogue? 'Oy King-Boy, Say that again!'

I'm trying to create a scene were Angus and Beatrice are really not speaking to each other but it isn't marriage breaking anyway. Him fighting Jack again will do that. One of them is about to be kidnapped and the other is going off with Socrates (his brother) to find the missing one.

Part of me wants to kidnap Angus and have Bea go and find him, but I think the journey will be better with the brothers.

Can you tell how much plotting I do? In the original Bea is the one kidnapped. I want to do multiple first so she isn't a Disney princess waiting to be rescued - I want her to escape and they find each other.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I wrote this this morning:

“Say that again, King-Boy,” Chief-Captain Jack Sorenson’s yell disturbs my work.

The diversion gives me the excuse I need to leave the never decreasing mountain of paper. Removing my glasses, I place them on the desk and cross to the glass-doors that give access to the palace grounds.

“You’re a total …”

A blur of navy-blue moves down the tree-lined path outside my office. My husband, King Angus, comes shooting past with his Chief-Captain, looking more like a rag-doll, in his hands.

My metal-fan lies on the table nearby, I grab it and open the doors. Angus and Jack are the best of friends but both bear the scars of previous altercations. I roll my eyes. There are days I regret marrying a man still in high school and this looks like being one of them. Ouch, my body reacts as Angus rams Jack into a lemorasp tree, covering them both in the pretty blossom and filling the air with the divine citrus scent. The massive height difference means Jack is flailing a good few inches off the ground. They are both so pumped on the adrenaline that neither is registering the pain.

The state of their school uniforms indicate this has been going on for a while; Jack’s shirt collar is torn and Angus’ tunic is ripped at the shoulder.

“Why?” Angus screams right in Jack’s face. “Why?”

One of Jack’s kicks reaches its target and my husband doubles over in pain, letting go of his quarry; Jack clatters to the ground.

“Just… this… once,” Jack is clutching his ribs and punctuating each word with a breath.

Angus starts to bring his foot back to aim a kick.

“Stop right now. I’m aiming for the crown jewels.” The metal-fan splays out at the touch of the button and I pull it back ready to fire. “If you want an heir…”

He stops, puts his foot down and glares at me with the one eye not covered with an eye-patch. A circle of bruising is starting to form round it.

Furious at his childish antics I stare him down. “Want to test me? For Litae’s sake, Angus what if Daisy had been here?”

At the mention of our adopted daughter, the fight melts out of him, his head droops and he studies the floor.

“My office now!” I point in the direction of the open doors. “And Jack if you know what’s good for you, you’ll get out of my sight.”

He scrabbles to his feet and bows in my direction. “Yes, Your Majesty.” When he thinks I’m not looking he makes a slicing motion across his throat, winks at Angus and mouths. “You’re gonna get whipped, King-Boy.”

I spin round and let go of the fan; it narrowly misses his chin and embeds itself in the tree which my husband had rammed him into earlier. Nothing… and I mean nothing makes my blood boil more than watching someone tease Angus. “You mess with the king, you get the queen,” I quip, straighten my back and with all the elegance my training has given me I walk over the tree to retrieve my weapon. On the way back I whisper in his ear. “Scram or he won’t be the only one missing a valuable piece of equipment.”

Jack, still nursing his ribs, takes off at a run across the immaculate lawns and Angus shuffles inside the palace. Too angry to go straight after him I stop for a moment, close my eyes and breathe in time to the sea that is crashing against the bottom of the cliff the palace is built on.

 

[summer013]

I was terribly confused about who was who in the first post, even after re-reading a couple of times. But reading down through your rewrite I understand what was happening on the first read through, and it was way more engaging for me.

The only comment I have is the paragraph:

'A blur of navy-blue moves down the tree-lined path outside my office. My husband, King Angus, comes shooting past with his Chief-Captain, looking more like a rag-doll, in his hands.'

I don't know MAYHEM but I wasn't entirely sure if Angus was supposed to be sort of running and pushing the Chief Captain backwards or whether he flying with the Chief Captain in his grasp or something.. That's my ten cents worth anyhow

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Thank you. Input from people with no knowledge of Mayhem is even better. It was a lesson I learned with my detective sequel. There was very mixed feedback from my beta readers for it. Some loved it and others were confused - it was only a couple of weeks later the penny dropped those that found it confusing hadn't read the previous book and didn't know who Tim (the main character was).

I was struggling a lot with the who was who because in my head everyone should know them by now lol I needed the kick that Hex gave me to sort it out (she is wonderful at that kind of thing).

Hmm pushing him backwards, very quickly. Angus can fly but only when he is a bird although maybe a bird fight might have been more fun lol. I guess I need to make that clear.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Okay, firstly, I had something of an eye open moment that Angus had remained at school. I thought, given his level of intelligence, and his new status that would have changed/he'd have at least had a tutor, instead.



“Say that again, King-Boy,”I think this should be an action tag. Chief-Captain Jack Sorenson’s yell disturbs my work.

The diversion gives me the excuse I need to leave the never decreasing mountain of paper. Removing my glasses, I place them on the desk and cross to the glass-doors that give access to the palace grounds.

“You’re a total …”

A blur of navy-blue moves down the tree-lined path outside my office. My husband, King Angus, comes shooting past with his Chief-Captain, looking more like a rag-doll, in his hands.

My metal-fan lies on the table nearby,splice I grab it and open the doors. Angus and Jack are the best of friends but both bear the scars of previous altercations. I roll my eyes. There are days I regret marrying a man still in high school and this looks like being one of them. Ouch, my body reacts as Angus rams Jack into a lemorasp tree, covering them both in the pretty blossom and filling the air with the divine citrus scent. The massive height difference means Jack is flailing a good few inches off the ground. They are both so pumped on the adrenaline that neither is registering the pain.

The state of their school uniforms indicate this has been going on for a while; Jack’s shirt collar is torn and Angus’ tunic is ripped at the shoulder.

“Why?” Angus screams right in Jack’s face. “Why?”

One of Jack’s kicks reaches its target and my husband doubles over in painmaybe drop in pain, I think we know this already., letting go of his quarry; Jack clatters to the ground.

“Just… this… once,”and, again, action tag I think. Jack is clutching his ribs and punctuating each word with a breath.

Angus starts to bring his foot back to aim a kick.

“Stop right now. I’m aiming for the crown jewels.”I needed an attribution. The metal-fan splays out at the touch of the button and I pull it back ready to fire. “If you want an heir…”

He stops, puts his foot down and glares at me with the one eye not covered with an eye-patch. A circle of bruising is starting to form round it.

Furious at his childish antics I stare him down. “Want to test me? For Litae’s sake, Angus what if Daisy had been here?”

At the mention of our adopted daughter, the fight melts out of him, his head droops and he studies the floor.

“My office now!” I point in the direction of the open doors. “And Jack if you know what’s good for you, you’ll get out of my sight.”

He scrabbles to his feet and bows in my direction. “Yes, Your Majesty.” When he thinks I’m not looking he makes a slicing motion across his throat, winks at Angus and mouths. “You’re gonna get whipped, King-Boy.”

I spin round and let go of the fan; it narrowly misses his chin and embeds itself in the tree which my husband had rammed him into earlier. Nothing… and I mean nothing makes my blood boil more than watching someone tease Angus. “You mess with the king, you get the queen,” I quipis it a quip?, straighten my back and with all the elegance my training has given me Idrop I? walk over the tree to retrieve my weapon. On the way back I whisper in his ear. “Scram or he won’t be the only one missing a valuable piece of equipment.”

Jack, still nursing his ribs, takes off at a run across the immaculate lawns and Angus shuffles inside the palace. Too angry to go straight after him I stop for a moment, close my eyes and breathe in time to the sea that is crashing against the bottom of the cliff the palace is built onI would leave out the bit about the palace. .[/QUOTE]

Hi Anya, a few nits, nothing major, much tighter than the version put up last night.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Great comments thanks Springs. I kind of knew last night's was a disaster but I kept staring at it and couldn't work out how. Sometimes I find just posting it allows me to read it as the reader instead of the writer does that even make sense?

He's eighteen/nineteen exams are looming, Bea is pregnant and things are going wrong - figured I'd make his life even worse.

He went back to school in Mayhem - the Abbot was restored in his traditional role as headmaster and Soc went back as a deputy head. They insisted he return because he had lacked a 'traditional' education. It allowed me to show Socrates in the classroom which was my main aim of taking the story that way