Getting to grips with passive sentences

[Brian G Turner]

I just noticed a sentence I'm using can be written in two ways, but I'm not entirely sure if I'm using active sentences correctly:

1. Grey cloud swallowed the hills and sleet lashed against Bob
2. Grey cloud swallowed the hills and lashed sleet against Bob

The only difference is that the words "sleet" and "lashed" are reversed in the second example.

I had originally written the first, thinking I was making Bob more active, but now I think about it, Bob is the object and the clouds are active, which means Bob is passive regardless, but the second makes more sense.

I'm slightly troubled by the idea that Bob is passive, but if I write "Bob was lashed by sleet as grey clouds swalloed the hills" then Bob is still passive, right, but now the whole sentence is passive, not active?

I'm not sure I understand whether I'm on the right track or not - anyone care to comment?

 

[ratsy]

I am not sure about passive and active sentences. The first example sounds as though two seperate actions are occuring. The second example sounds like sleet is being lashed because of the grey clouds swallowing the hills, which sounds more natural to me.

 

[steve12553]

Actually the the first sentance makes better sense. By the time the sleet gets to Bob it's probably no longer controlled by the clouds but rather being driven by the wind. Unless you want to add a further element to the sentance, you would probably just let the sleet do the lashing and let the wind be inferred. And your definitely right Bob is going to be the object of this any way you look at it.

 

[AJB]

1. Grey cloud swallowed the hills and sleet lashed against Bob
2. Grey cloud swallowed the hills and lashed sleet against Bob
3. Bob was lashed by sleet as grey clouds swallowed the hills.

I agree that Bob in this context will be passive in all 3 examples and the
3rd example is generally more passive (except the clouds are being active by swallowing the hills). I think the sentence you choose however will depend on how you want to paint the scene though. For example....

I like sentences 2 and 3 but they give very different effects.

Sentence 2 kind of personifies the clouds as they swallow the hills and lash sleet against this man. This sentence pans the view by focussing on the ferocious weather smiting the man that walked into his path - so starts wide view then zooms to the man.

Sentence 3 however starts with the man then you see the sleet lashing against him, then see the clouds swallowing the hills. This starts with the zoom on the man, then you gradually pan out and discover his predicament.

The sentence you choose will depend what how you want to shape the scene I suppose.

sentence 1 I wouldn't go for since it disjoints things a little. Clouds are doing this, then the sleet is doing that kind of thing.

HOWEVER, if you wanted to make Bob active, maybe try something along the lines of....

Bob pressed through the lashing sleet as he trudged though the clouds mouth that swallowed the hills.

This way Bob is acting against the active weather.

Hope this helps.

 

[Greenwoody]

1. Grey cloud swallowed the hills and sleet lashed against Bob
2. Grey cloud swallowed the hills and lashed sleet against Bob

The grey clouds have been personified as swallowing the hills & it's continuing the personification to have them lash sleet against Bob in (2), otherwise with (1) it's breaking the point of view away from the clouds mid-sentence over to Bob with 'sleet lashed against Bob' which sounds awkward. Find little bits of personification like this bring description to life, & having the clouds swallow the hills is a great line.

 

[Abernovo]

I prefer the first sentence. However, you could embellish it to give Bob some life, if you wanted.
For example:
Grey cloud swallowed the hills and sleet lashed against Bob as he walked

Is it passive? Yes, but perhaps some sentences need to be passive, to show the action better in others. I'm not a great believer in absolutes as rules. There is a place for passive, just as there is a place for adverbs. I apologise if I'm out of line, Brian, but I wonder if you're overthinking this.

 

[The Judge]

Um... I think you're confusing two different things, Brian -- Bob can't be active unless he's actually doing something. The sentence itself can be active or passive, though, regardless of what Bob is or isn't doing. And to my mind in both 1 and 2 the sentence is active. In the second the clouds are swallowing and lashing; in the first the clouds swallow and the sleet lashes. So the subject(s) in each is/are doing things to the object.

In the "Bob was..." alternative, that is passive for the first half, as the subject of the clause is having things done to him.

For myself, while I could cope with the metaphor of the clouds swallowing the hills, their lashing rain on him as if it's a deliberate attack is a step too far, unless you intend to continue this personification of weather throughout, so I'd go with version 1 if I had to choose between the two.

I'd think hard about the line, though, if it's a real one from your work -- to me it's incomplete and needs to be finished eg as Aber suggests with an "as he trudged towards the cave" or something. If it is remaining with just those two clauses, I'd think hard about whether to use that "and" to link them or whether to split them instead with a full stop or semi-colon, but if the "and" is kept, then in version 1 I'd definitely use a comma before it.


EDIT: sorry, misremembered which was first and which second so got things wrong way round initially. Now corrected.

 

[Hex]

As TJ said, the active sentences are the ones with the clouds because they're doing something. If you want to keep things focused on Bob's actions, he could be reacting to getting soaked, e.g.

Bob shivered as sleet lashed against his face; on the horizon, grey cloud swallowed the hills.

 

[kromanjon]

I much preferd the first version since the second gave me the feeling of sentient clouds lashing Bob with sleet for the sheer spite of it. Of course clouds can be active like when they're pouring rain or sailing across the sky, but for some reason this sentence just bothered me. Perhaps it's the word lashed or it could be that it sounds like the clouds are specifically assaulting Bob.

Perhaps you could just leave it with the fact that they lashed sleet and not mention Bob at all in that sentence.

 

[Toby Frost]

As others have said, neither sentence is in the passive voice. In 1, grey cloud is swallowing the hills in the first part of the sentence, and in the second half, sleet is lashing against Bob (shouldn't it just be lashing Bob?). In 2, grey cloud is both swallowing hills and lashing Bob, except it's using sleet to do so. If the passive voice was present, it would read "The hills were swallowed by grey cloud, and Bob was lashed by sleet". The subjects there (the hills and Bob) are passive because, although they are the subjects of their clauses, things are being done to them.

In a more casual sense of "passive", Bob isn't doing anything very dynamic in either example, so I suppose you could say that he is being passive with regards to the rain. No matter whether it's 1 or 2, Bob is being lashed by sleet. So as has been suggested, you could depict Bob in a more exciting role, running through the rain, cursing the rain, and so on.

Personally, unless you are doing this very often, I wouldn't worry too much about this structure damaging your story.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

You could make it two sentences. Something like: Grey cloud swallowed the hills ahead. Bob trudged on through the lashing sleet; (and then something about how cold and miserable he is or what drives him on in spite of the weather, so that you don't have two short, choppy sentences in a row).

 

[BetaWolf]

Everyone gave good ideas here. I would be on the side of Bob being a bit passive here. I've been in rather bad storms, and I wasn't being too active. I was getting lashed.

That said, I like Teresa's comment. Trudge is a good word for how it feels to be entirely out in that kind of weather. It kind of implies a numb persistence to it, maybe with some detail of where he's going. If a warm meal waits for him or if he's going to be sleeping on the cold, wet ground tonight.

 

[Glisterspeck]

Um... to my mind in both 1 and 2 the sentence is active. In the second the clouds are swallowing and lashing; in the first the clouds swallow and the sleet lashes. So the subject(s) in each is/are doing things to the object.

I think The Judge is making an important distinction here. The post title makes this seem like a post about the use of the passive tense in sentences, but to me, it seems more about artful selection of subject/verb/object to place emphasis where it is desired. I'd hate to confuse the many, including myself, who turn to the chrons for sound writing advice on a point of definition like this.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

And in the interest of avoiding confusion on that issue:

I was in a hurry when I posted before and didn't say that the reason I suggested two sentences instead of one was because sentences 1 and 2 both sounded ... flat ... to me, in spite of the active verbs. It was like "this happened and then this happened" without anyone making them happen. So, to me, while the sentences weren't passive, Bob was. I also felt that he needed a sentence to himself, instead of playing a secondary role to the clouds.

 

[Parson]

Brian, if something from a novice is worth note? I found both sentences confusing. It took me a while to figure out why. I thought Grey cloud was a person, or a least a personification. If, as I now believe, you were describing the scene that Bob saw, for me it would make more sense if it were written "Grey clouds swallowed.."

I would also pick up on what Glitterspeck said. I started reading this because I though you were going to deal with one of the problems I have in my writing/speaking and that is too much of a passive voice. This was more in the line of adding action to something that already had some action. --- It is a very evocative line "the clouds swallowing up the hills." I like that a lot.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Many thanks for all the responses and apologies for the delay - wifi has been down in the hotel for two days! Anyway, this is an opening sentence, so I'm going to look at rewriting it to make it stronger.

At least I feel like I understand a little more about active and passive uses - at the very least, in this example.

 

[The Judge]

If this is the opening sentence of the book, I definitely think you need to make it stronger and have the character doing something, even if only trudging. Teresa picked up on the unease I felt about it but couldn't put into words by calling it flat -- far too flat for an opening line, I'd say.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Yep, the original line was something about how the sleet lashed him "like a bitch with a whip of ice" but I got a reaction that it could be interpreted as misogynistic and set a bad first impression - so what I have is a weakened version from rewriting.

Will rewrite stronger.

 

[barlennan]

I'm much more worried about the choice of "Bob". This name is used far too often as a character name, has been rendered ridiculous by Blackadder and is long, long out of fashion on both sides of the Atlantic. Please consider "Rob" instead!

 

[Brian G Turner]

Don't worry, Bob was used as a generic placement for the example.