Mayhem - Past Tense (500 words)

[AnyaKimlin]

Trying desperately not to hate this. More than one agent has suggested they will look at it again if I change the tense so I have decided to write the first chapter in past tense and use it to decide. But I need a more objective eye because I am struggling to feel it and I am also slipping into present tense a lot

‘Angus!’

My father’s angry holler disturbed my study. I grabbed a pillow from my bed, placed it over my ears and hoped that if I ignored him he would go away.

‘Angus!’

A barrage of knocks on my bedroom door followed the shout. He was creating a lot of noise, for a man usually so in control that most people described him as cold. Although nobody would ever called him anything derogatory to his face because as an absolute monarch he has the power to chop their heads off for such familiarity; my father lacks any sense of humour and previous kings, including my grandfather, decapitated people for less.

‘I’m doing my homework. I’ll be out when I’ve finished,’ I shouted back.

‘Angus, come out here now!’ He hammered on the door. Good job it was made of thick oak because a lesser door would have given into his demands. This one did not even rattle.

I pray that I had locked the door when I came in.

The pillow was useless so I threw it back on my bed. Knowing that he raged on the other side of the door made it impossible to concentrate on the equation in front of me and I placed the pen down on the exercise book.

‘If you do not come out here then I will come in there and drag you out.’ The door handle started to turn.

A nervous laugh escaped me. At six-feet-eleven and built like a behemoth it had been a number of years since anyone had threatened to drag me anywhere. My eyes caught The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, a banned text from the old world, and I shoved it under my pillow in case I had forgotten to lock the door. Unlike a porn magazine which might have got me grounded Sherlock was a capital offence.

‘You and whose army?’ I tried to ignore the fact he actually has an army at his command and concentrated on the fact that he had never used them for a silly domestic matter before.

He has discovered the door is locked. I breathed a huge sigh of relief but his frustration built and he kicked the door. ‘Angus, out of there now or I will get a couple of Soaring Warriors to break it down.’

‘Alright, I need to get dressed or shall we do this with me in the raw?’ My father and I both hate nudity so I hoped my gamble would pay off and buy me some time. Surveying the pile of wet and torn school clothes, I decided that they would not do. A pair of jeans next to the bed looked promising and I sniffed them; a bit smelly but they would have to do. I winced, held my ribs and bent to pick them up.

‘You have three minutes to get dressed, young man.’

As I pulled on my jeans, I imagined him stood in the hallway, checking his watch and stamping his foot.

 

[Greenwoody]

Nice, entertaining, easy to read piece, AnyaKimlin.
I would actually really struggle the other way round, to write in the present tense. But having done it in one & trying to convert it must be really confusing.

‘Angus!’

My father’s angry holler disturbed my study. I grabbed a pillow from my bed, placed it over my ears and hoped that if I ignored him he would go away.

‘Angus!’

A barrage of knocks on my bedroom door followed the shout. He was creating a lot of noise, for a man usually so in control that most people described him as cold. Although nobody would ever called him anything derogatory to his face because as an absolute monarch he has[think 'had' better, not sure] the power to chop their heads off for such familiarity; my father lacked any sense of humour and previous kings, including my grandfather, decapitated people for less.

‘I’m doing my homework. I’ll be out when I’ve finished,’ I shouted back.

‘Angus, come out here now!’ He hammered on the door. Good job it was made of thick oak because a lesser door would have given in[ins space (I think)]to his demands. This one did not even rattle.

I prayed that I had locked the door when I came in.

The pillow was useless so I threw it back on my bed. Knowing that he raged on the other side of the door made it impossible to concentrate on the equation in front of me soand I placed the pen down on the exercise book.

‘If you do not come out here then I will come in there and drag you out.’ The door handle started to turn.

A nervous laugh escaped me. At six-feet-eleven and built like a behemoth it had been a number of years since anyone had threatened to drag me anywhere. My eyes caught The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, a banned text from the old world, and I shoved it under my pillow in case I had forgotten to lock the door. Unlike a porn magazine which might have got me grounded, Sherlock was a capital offence.

‘You and whose army?’ I tried to ignore the fact he actually has an army at his command[funny!] and concentrated on the fact that he had never used them for a silly domestic matter before.

With a loud rattle, he has discovered the door wasis locked. I breathed a huge sigh of relief but his frustration built and he kicked the door. ‘Angus, out of there now or I will get a couple of Soaring Warriors to break it down.’

‘Alright, I need to get dressed or shall we do this with me in the raw?’ My father and I both hate nudity so I hoped my gamble would pay off and buy me some time. Surveying the pile of wet and torn school clothes, I decided that they would not do. A pair of jeans next to the bed looked promising and I sniffed them; a bit smelly but they would have to do. I winced, held my ribs and bent to pick them up.

‘You have three minutes to get dressed, young man.’

As I pulled on my jeans, I imagined him stood in the hallway, checking his watch and stamping his foot.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Thanks, Greenwoody. It would be a lot easier if I hadn't rewritten it ten times and the story was so ingrained in me in present tense. My other stories I don't struggle with.

 

[A. S. Behsam]

I could be wrong about a lot of stuff, but this is just what I think.



‘Angus!’

My father’s angry holler disturbed my study. I grabbed a pillow from my bed, placed it over my ears and hoped that if I ignored him he would go away.

‘Angus!’

A barrage of knocks on my bedroom door followed the shout. He was creating a lot of noise, for a man usually so in control that most people described him as cold. Although nobody would ever called him anything derogatory to his face because as an absolute monarch he had the power to chop their heads off for such familiarity; my father lacks any sense of humour and previous kings, including my grandfather, decapitated people for less.

‘I’m doing my homework. I’ll be out when I’ve finished,’ I shouted back.

‘Angus, come out here now!’ He hammered on the door. Good job it was made of thick oak because a lesser door would have given into his demands. This one did not even rattle.

I prayed that I had locked the door when I came in.

The pillow was useless so I threw it back on my bed. Knowing that him raging on the other side of the door had made it impossible to concentrate on the equation in front of me, and SHOULD BE OMITTED I placed the pen down on the exercise book.

‘If you do not come out here then I will come in there and drag you out.’ The door handle started to turn.

A nervous laugh escaped me. At six-feet-eleven and built like a behemoth it had been a number of years since anyone had threatened to drag me anywhere. My eyes caught The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, a banned text from the old world, and I shoved it under my pillow in case I had forgotten to lock the door. Unlike a porn magazine which might have got me grounded, Sherlock was a capital offence.

‘You and whose army?’ He actually had an army at his command, but DELETED A FEW WORDS TO MAKE IT TIGHTERhe had never used them for a silly domestic matter before.

He discovered the door was locked. < It's passive, by the way. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, but his frustration built. SHORTER SENTENCES FOR TENSIONHe kicked the door. ‘Angus, out of there now or I will get a couple of Soaring Warriors to break it down.’

‘Alright, I need to get dressed, or shall we do this with me in the raw?’
NEW PARAGRAPHMy father and I both hated nudity so I hoped my gamble would pay off and buy me some time. Surveying the pile of wet and torn school clothes, I decided that BETTER OMITthey would not do. A pair of jeans next to the bed looked promising. I sniffed them; a bit smelly but they would have to OMITdo. I winced, held my ribs and bent to pick them up.

‘You have three minutes to get dressed, young man.’

As I pulled on my jeans, I imagined him standing in the hallway, checking his watch and stamping his foot.



I hope I could help.
I like the story, by the way.

~Aty

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Thanks A.S.B that is really helpful. Finding this flow and voice is going to leave me bald with the way I am tearing my hair out. Not to mention it is rewrite number eleven when it was finished.

 

[tracyj]

I totally agree with A.S. Behsam's comments. As I read your passage, the first time, I automatically, corrected it and put it the past tense. I did not realise all your uses of the present tense until the second read! Interesting....

 

[Gary Compton]

here's my 10 penneth...

‘Angus!’

My father’s angry holler Dont like this word, shouted, order disturbed my study. I grabbed a pillow from my bed, pillows - beds go together - delete placed it over my ears and hoped that if I ignored him he would go away.

‘Angus!’

A barrage of knocks on my bedroom door followed the shout. delete He was creating a lot of noise, for a man usually so in control that most people described him as cold. Although nobody would ever have called him anything derogatory to his face because as an absolute monarch he has had the power to chop their heads off for such familiarity; I would put fullstop here my father lacks any sense of humour and previous kings, including my grandfather, decapitated people for less.

‘I’m doing my homework. I’ll be out when I’ve finished,’ I shouted back.

‘Angus, come out here now!’ He hammered on the door. Good job it was made of thick oak because a lesser door would have given into his demands. This one did not even rattle.

I prayed that I had locked the door when I came in.

The pillow was useless so I threw it back on my bed. Knowing that he raged on the other side of the door made it impossible to concentrate on the equation in front of me and I placed the pen down on the exercise book. delete not needed

‘If you do not come out here then I will come repeat of come in there and drag you out.’ The door handle started to turn.

A nervous laugh escaped me. At six-feet-eleven and built like a behemoth it had been a number of years since anyone had threatened to drag me anywhere. My eyes caught "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes," a banned text from the old world, and I shoved it under my pillow in case I had forgotten to lock the door. Unlike a porn magazine which might have got me grounded Sherlock was a capital offence.

‘You and whose army?’ I tried to ignore the fact he actually has an army delete and replace with one at his command and concentrated on the fact that he had never used them for a silly domestic matter before.

He has delete discovered the door was is locked. I breathed a huge sigh of relief but his frustration built and he kicked the door. ‘Angus, out of there now or I will get a couple of Soaring Warriors to break it down.’

‘Alright, I need to get dressed or shall we do this with me in the raw?’ My father and I both hated nudity so I hoped my gamble would pay off and buy me some time. Surveying the pile of wet and torn school clothes, I decided that they would not do. A pair of jeans next to the bed looked promising and I sniffed them; a bit smelly but they would have to do. I winced, held my ribs and bent to pick them up.

‘You have three minutes to get dressed, young man.’

As I pulled them on my jeans delete, I imagined him stood in the hallway, checking his watch and stamping his foot.

 

[Tecdavid]

‘Angus!’

My father’s angry holler disturbed my study. I grabbed a pillow from my bed, placed it over my ears and hoped that if I ignored him he would go away.

‘Angus!’ (You could italicise this if you wanted to imply he's shouting louder than the first time.)

A barrage of knocks on my bedroom door followed the shout (I personally think 'shouting' would read better than just 'shout'). He was creating a lot of noise, (I don't think this comma's necessary) for a man usually so in control that most people described him as cold. Although nobody would ever called ('Call') him anything derogatory to his face (Here's where a comma might sit nicely) because as an absolute monarch (and maybe here. This sentence trails on a bit, so a couple of commas might help make it more digestible.) he has the power to chop their heads off for such familiarity; my father lacks any sense of humour and previous kings, including my grandfather, decapitated people for less.

‘I’m doing my homework. I’ll be out when I’ve finished,’ I shouted back.

‘Angus, come out here now!’ He hammered on the door. Good job it was made of thick oak because a lesser door would have given into his demands. This one did not even rattle.

I pray that I had locked the door when I came in.

The pillow was useless so I threw it back on my bed. Knowing that he raged on the other side of the door made it impossible to concentrate on the equation in front of me and I placed the pen down on the exercise book.

‘If you do not come out here then I will come in there and drag you out.’ The door handle started to turn.

A nervous laugh escaped me. At six-feet-eleven and built like a behemoth it had been a number of years since anyone had threatened to drag me anywhere. My eyes caught The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, a banned text from the old world, and I shoved it under my pillow in case I had forgotten to lock the door. Unlike a porn magazine which might have got me grounded Sherlock was a capital offence. (Well, this is interesting! It's a quick and easy way to tell me this is the real world, and it's rather surprising besides. Why would Sherlock Holmes be banned, I wonder?)

‘You and whose army?’ I tried to ignore the fact he actually has an army at his command and concentrated on the fact that he had never used them for a silly domestic matter before.

He has discovered the door is locked. I breathed a huge sigh of relief but his frustration built and he kicked the door. ‘Angus, out of there now or I will get a couple of Soaring Warriors to break it down.’ (I have to admit there's something a bit confusing about the time placement. The notion of kings and warriors is typically a thing of the past, but a scene in which a dad is banging at his son's door, while the son is doing their homework and thinking about Sherlock and porn magazines, conjures a clear picture of the present. Maybe it's just because I haven't read the rest of the story, or seen the story's world, but it seems a bit jarring to me.)

‘Alright, I need to get dressed or shall we do this with me in the raw?’ My father and I both hate nudity so I hoped my gamble would pay off and buy me some time. Surveying the pile of wet and torn school clothes, I decided that they would not do. A pair of jeans next to the bed looked promising and I sniffed them; a bit smelly but they would have to do. I winced, held my ribs and bent to pick them up. (Again, the scene seems a bit out-of-place to me. He's a prince, but his clothes can get into that state? It's probably just my limited knowledge of the story that's making me notice these things, and I'm sure it makes better sense in context.)

‘You have three minutes to get dressed, young man.’

As I pulled on my jeans, I imagined him stood in the hallway, checking his watch and stamping his foot. (I think I saw your thread over on General about this paragraph. Personally, I think "I imagined he stood in the hallway" reads better. Your choice isn't necessarily wrong, though, so it's up to yourself.)

I didn't think there was any problem with the tense. I found the narrative and events engaging enough, so for me, your use of past tense wouldn't bother me at all.

 

[A. S. Behsam]

You're welcome Good luck with the story. ^_^

~Aty

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Thanks for the feedback Gary, TecDavid and tracyj - the world isn't Earth and maybe I need to make it a bit clearer. There have been several ways that people from Earth have come to the planet to settle. (There was a flood/Noah type story with a spaceship and Merlin crosses back and forth between the two using time and space travel (only very slightly hinted at in this book). Sherlock has come from Merlin's library).

The planet is similar to us in technology. However the nation that Angus is a prince in would perhaps be like North Korea in terms of culture because of the banning of history, religion, magic etc Any study other than science and basic language is capital crime. They've been brought up believing that study of certain subjects will ''rot their brains'' and return them to a barbaric past.

Things have improved a little under Angus' father who doesn't have the grandfather's violent nature but he is weak and won't change things.

The Soaring Warriors is a name that has been retained (like certain aspects of the royal family's life) but they are a modern army; complete with shiny boots, berets and rifles.

Angus won't let the palace staff in his room without a fight - hence the mess.