Changeling 630 words

[prizzley]

This is an extract from my current wip. Chane has recovered from extreme exhaustion. He thinks he's been ill, but his hosts suspect he has the ability to use stones of power. Ydris has been asked to test him. He asks Chane to create a wall of light. Chane, playing along with Ydris' demands in order to disprove his abilities, closes his eyes, imagines the wall and opens his eyes to see a wall of light. idran = healer; irethan = fighter)


Please tell me what you think. Don't hold back. I can take it.

-----------------------------------------------

Ydris took the crystal rod from his tunic and gestured towards the wall of light. The wall disintegrated like shattered glass. Shards flew in all directions. Chane cried out as he was struck.

‘Forgive me.’ Ydris wiped blood from Chane’s face and hands.

Chane watched the cuts on his hands heal under Ydris’ touch. How did he do that? He raised his hands to feel his face but, when he lowered them, his fingers were clean. To be doubly sure, he turned his hands over. Unmarked. The wall might never have existed, or been smashed. He raised his head to meet Ydris’ eyes. ‘How do you do that? How did I do that?’

Ydris said, as calmly as if he were talking about his last meal, ‘I am idran, you are irethan. The power we harness is the same.’

‘How could I have such power without knowing it?’ Either he had imagined the wall, or Ydris had created it to deceive him. He did not have power. I’m sure of it. I’ve never been surer of anything.

‘Without the stones, you would find it difficult to focus the power, difficult but not impossible. Did you never do anything you couldn’t explain?’

Chane sank to the grass, dropped the sword and covered his face with his hands.

‘Try again. Give the wall substance.’

Chane raised his head and met Ydris’ steady gaze. ‘Let me leave.’

‘I cannot. Those who have power must be trained. You have power. Only the extent is uncertain. Will you co-operate?’

‘Do I have a choice?’

‘There is always a choice. You may remain here at your will or at ours. It may be that neither choice is acceptable to you.’

Chane stared at him. Choose to stay or be forced to stay. Call that a choice? He did not know Halthein’s resources, but he knew Lady Varia’s.
And if Ydris’ ability to wreck the wall was an example of his other abilities... Unless Ydris was playing with him. Might Ydris have created the wall? Thinking about it made his head throb.

One thing was clear. He’ll make me stay, one way or another. It doesn’t matter whether he’s in charge here, or Lady Varia is. They don’t care what I want, and I can’t fight them. He had tried to argue against Ydris’ ridiculous claim. It had not worked. Silence would not serve him either. If Ydris was telling the truth – I do have power. I am irethan. The suggestion was insidious, unacceptable, but if he could learn to wield power there might be other choices. He took a deep breath and said, ‘Nonetheless, I will not put on Cadron the task of killing me.’

Ydris’ expression softened. ‘I thank you. Come, there is work to do. Rebuild the wall.’

With his eyes open, Chane could not. Eyes closed, it came easier than the first time, as if thinking achieved the deed. ‘Why can’t I do it with my eyes open?’.

‘We have known the uses of power for many years, but we have little understanding of the “why” and “how” of its usage. Only that the will to succeed is paramount. Lack of confidence or disinterest both result in failure. Closing your eyes may help you relax, clear your mind and concentrate. In time, you may be able to use power successfully with your eyes open. I hope so.’ His smile was wry. ‘It would be a strange irethan who walks about with his eyes shut. Once more.’

Concentrating on what Ydris asked of him, Chane was conscious neither of time passing, nor of exhaustion, until Ydris touched his arm. ‘Enough. You must eat and sleep. We’ll continue tomorrow.’

Chane walked back to his room too tired to think. I’ll feel better after I’ve eaten.

 

[Greenwoody]

Hi Prizzley, The bit where Yoda's training Luke in The Empire Strikes Back came to mind when reading this. Nicely written. Hope my comments might help.

---

Ydris took the crystal rod from his tunic and gestured towards the wall of light. The wall disintegrated like shattered glass. Shards flew in all directions [I'd merge to make '...glass, shards flying in all..']. Chane cried out as he was struck.
He would be in great pain, if not agony from the experience which isn't really coming across at the mo.

‘Forgive me.’ Ydris wiped blood from Chane’s face and hands.
Chane would likely be doing that himself, & probably screaming profanities at Ydris.

Chane watched [ins. 'wide-eyed' or similar to help get across the fact that he's amazed, or presumably is] the cuts on his hands heal under Ydris’ touch. How did he do that? He raised his hands to feel his face but, when he lowered them, his fingers were clean. To be doubly sure, he turned his hands over. Unmarked. The wall might never have existed, or been smashed. He raised his head [again, maybe an 'in wonder' or 'in disbelief'] to meet Ydris’ eyes. ‘How do you do that? How did I do that?’
Maybe rather than detachedly watching the cuts heal, maybe have Chane feel it, something like 'a warm tingling beneath Ydris' hot touch'.

Ydris said, as calmly as if he were talking about his last meal, ‘I am idran, you are irethan. The power we harness is the same.’
Wondering if idran & irethan should have caps.

‘How could I have such power without knowing it?’ Either he had imagined the wall, or Ydris had created it to deceive him. He did not have power. I’m sure of it. I’ve never been surer of anything.
POV issue here; last 2 sentences should also be 'he' really.

‘Without the stones, you would find it difficult to focus the power, difficult but not impossible. Did you never do anything you couldn’t explain?’

Chane sank to the grass, dropped the sword and covered his face with his hands.
Didn't realise he was holding a sword- wouldn't he be more likely to have dropped it when he hit the glass/light

‘Try again. Give the wall substance.’

Chane raised his head and met Ydris’ steady gaze. ‘Let me leave.’

‘I cannot. Those who have power must be trained. You have power. Only the extent is uncertain. Will you co-operate?’

‘Do I have a choice?’

‘There is always a choice. You may remain here at your will or at ours. It may be that neither choice is acceptable to you.’

Chane stared at him. Choose to stay or be forced to stay. Call that a choice? He did not know Halthein’s resources, but he knew Lady Varia’s.
And if Ydris’ ability to wreck the wall was an example of his other abilities... Unless Ydris was playing with him. Might Ydris have created the wall? Thinking about it made his head throb.

One thing was clear: he’ll make me stay, one way or another. It doesn’t matter whether he’s in charge here, or Lady Varia is. They don’t care what I want, and I can’t fight them. He had tried to argue against Ydris’ ridiculous claim. It had not worked. Silence would not serve him either. If Ydris was telling the truth – I do have power. I am irethan. The suggestion was insidious, unacceptable, but if he could learn to wield power there might be other choices. He took a deep breath and said, ‘Nonetheless, I will not put on Cadron the task of killing me.’
POV issue again here: it starts off in first person but changes to third.

Ydris’ expression softened. ‘I thank you. Come, there is work to do. Rebuild the wall.’

With his eyes open, Chane could not. Eyes closed, it came easier than the first time, as if thinking achieved the deed. ‘Why can’t I do it with my eyes open?’.

‘We have known the uses of power for many years, but we have little understanding of the “why” and “how” of its usage. Only that the will to succeed is paramount. Lack of confidence or disinterest both result in failure. Closing your eyes may help you relax, clear your mind and concentrate. In time, you may be able to use power successfully with your eyes open. I hope so.’ His smile was wry. ‘It would be a strange irethan who walks about with his eyes shut. Once more.’

Concentrating on what Ydris asked of him, Chane was conscious neither of time passing, nor of exhaustion, until Ydris touched his arm. ‘Enough. You must eat and sleep. We’ll continue tomorrow.’
This para felt a bit rushed.

Chane walked back to his room too tired to think. Although he then does have a thought(!):I’ll feel better after I’ve eaten.

 

[Prophetsnake]

I thought this was very well written indeed. you have a nice voice.
If i can suggest you could improve on that by ditching modern words and phrases? One that jumped out at me was "Let me leave." Might sound more arcane to say something like "Give me my leave." or "Allow me my leave."
likewise : "Concentrating on what Ydris asked of him, Chane was conscious neither..." Sounds a little "Bill and Ted" just a little. Maybe somethng more like "Chane was so drawn into the task set for him that he did not notice the passage of time."
Ok maybe not much better, but you get the idea..
Just nitpickin', though! It's very good.

 

[J Riff]

The wall disintegrated like shattering) glass. might make a little more sense.
OT- Chane 1st name or last? Edmond Hamilton had a MC named Chane, thot of using it myself.

 

[prizzley]

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

Oops, I've tripped up on the formatting again. Chane's thoughts were originally in italics!

Glass shards - you're right - shard conveys larger pieces. I was thinking of a spray of tiny pieces, so "splinters" is the word I needed. Chane was a few yards from the "wall" so he would only have had minor cuts and scratches. But I do need more shock value, thanks.

Chane is short for Changeling - I hesitate to call it a nickname. It's more of a label attached to him when he appeared out of nowhere, injured, unable to speak the local language, and with no memory of his past - **** that sounds corny!

I started off with more arcane language and mostly dropped it except for certain characters, because it sounded stilted.

Thanks again

 

[Bowler1]

Ydris took the crystal rod from his tunic and gestured towards the wall of light. The wall disintegrated like shattered glass. Shards flew in all directions. Chane cried out as he was struck. – Very little character feeling here, was there pain, fear or even shock, all these things are left unanswered.

Ydris said, as calmly as if he were talking about his last meal, ‘I am idran, you are irethan. – As these are things/people, would you not use the capital I? Also, both names beginning with I, and both similar, do you want this?

A forceful Yoda! – Or that’s what I thought! Don’t get me wrong, I like Yoda, he has RAY GUNS so we’re buddies.

Ignoring the Star Wars/Matrix stuff going on, because if it was well written these connections wouldn’t bother me.
The section felt flat to me, no emotion or feeling from either character. The character that was trying to learn expressed everything I’d expect them to, but that was all – there was no real feeling. To me, the characters felt flat, the dialogue had no real depth. What I mean by depth is how we all talk day to day, naturally and with some humanity and feeling, not as if we’re reading a script. Yoda in Star Wars starts off all strict, before softening toward Luke, despite his reservations. This is all lacking from your section, so it didn’t feel right.

Small example - Ydris sighed and hung his head, nodding sadly. ‘Try again,’ he whispered. ‘Give the wall substance.’ – Mix more actions etc. into the dialogue to give it an additional lift.

Just my 1p’s worth, good luck with it.

 

[prizzley]

The section felt flat to me, no emotion or feeling from either character.

Guilty as charged. I confess. But the background is that Ydris is stuck with a job he doesn't want and isn't really qualified for. He doesn't trust Chane, and Chane's in denial about the whole power thing. Time for a rethink. Thanks.

 

[EloiseA]

I liked the quiet way the scene is handled. There's a sudden complexity and confusion around Chane thinking of Lady Varia and I wondered if that should be slowed down and spelled out more clearly.

And I'd like a few words, an image or two, to describe the wall coalescing again, the same way we are told how it disintegrated. Does it flow upward and harden into wall or just flash into substance? Chane presumably doesn't need a crystal rod and works with his eyes closed, just visualising the wall complete and restored?

 

[prizzley]

And I'd like a few words, an image or two, to describe the wall coalescing again, the same way we are told how it disintegrated.

Good suggestion, thanks. Chane has stones embedded in the hilt of his sword. Ydris' are in the rod. (I nearly said "in his rod" - thanks goodness I didn't.) They use the stones to focus power, at least Ydris does. Chane's very new at this.

 

[Bowler1]

Guilty as charged. I confess. But the background is that Ydris is stuck with a job he doesn't want and isn't really qualified for. He doesn't trust Chane, and Chane's in denial about the whole power thing. Time for a rethink. Thanks.

No re-think needed, your idea is as good as anyother. All this just needs to be expressed to the reader. You have the plot complexities in your head, just focus on showing the reader as you write.

 

[prizzley]

Thanks Bowler

 

[sknox]

Ydris took the crystal rod from his tunic and gestured towards the wall of light. The wall disintegrated like shattered glass. Shards flew in all directions. Chane cried out as he was struck.

Stay in active voice whenever you can. Shards flew in all directions. One struck Chane across the forehead.
Or something along those lines.

‘Forgive me.’ Ydris wiped blood from Chane’s face and hands.

Chane watched the cuts on his hands heal under Ydris’ touch. How did he do that?

We don't really know yet that the italics signify Chane's thoughts. So, either put "he thought" in there or (better): Chane wondered how he did that.

He raised his hands to feel his face but, when he lowered them, his fingers were clean. To be doubly sure, he turned his hands over.

We don't know that his hands were hit. We don't know what parts of his body were hit, though perhaps you meant just face and hands. If so, it's weird that a generalized explosion would hit him only there, unless he had put up his hands to protect his face. In which case a bit more detailed description of the event itself is needed.

Unmarked. The wall might never have existed, or been smashed. He raised his head to meet Ydris’ eyes. ‘How do you do that? How did I do that?’

Ydris said, as calmly as if he were talking about his last meal, ‘I am idran, you are irethan. The power we harness is the same.’

The "last meal" bit evoked a condemned prisoner to me. I'm not sure this sentence needs anything more than "Ydris said calmly".

‘How could I have such power without knowing it?’ Either he had imagined the wall, or Ydris had created it to deceive him. He did not have power. I’m sure of it. I’ve never been surer of anything.

‘Without the stones, you would find it difficult to focus the power, difficult but not impossible. Did you never do anything you couldn’t explain?’

Chane sank to the grass, dropped the sword and covered his face with his hands.

Strange reaction. He's sure he has no power. Why would he react this way? Also, you don't set the scene at the beginning, leaving it to the reader to imagine where we are. I certainly didn't imagine we were outside, but now we're on grass.

‘Try again. Give the wall substance.’

Chane raised his head and met Ydris’ steady gaze. ‘Let me leave.’

‘I cannot. Those who have power must be trained. You have power. Only the extent is uncertain. Will you co-operate?’

‘Do I have a choice?’

‘There is always a choice. You may remain here at your will or at ours. It may be that neither choice is acceptable to you.’

Chane stared at him. Choose to stay or be forced to stay. Call that a choice? He did not know Halthein’s resources, but he knew Lady Varia’s.
And if Ydris’ ability to wreck the wall was an example of his other abilities... Unless Ydris was playing with him. Might Ydris have created the wall? Thinking about it made his head throb.

One thing was clear. He’ll make me stay, one way or another. It doesn’t matter whether he’s in charge here, or Lady Varia is. They don’t care what I want, and I can’t fight them. He had tried to argue against Ydris’ ridiculous claim. It had not worked. Silence would not serve him either. If Ydris was telling the truth – I do have power. I am irethan. The suggestion was insidious, unacceptable, but if he could learn to wield power there might be other choices. He took a deep breath and said, ‘Nonetheless, I will not put on Cadron the task of killing me.’

Ydris’ expression softened. ‘I thank you. Come, there is work to do. Rebuild the wall.’

With his eyes open, Chane could not. Eyes closed, it came easier than the first time, as if thinking achieved the deed. ‘Why can’t I do it with my eyes open?’.

You have Chane wondering if Ydris had built the wall--since clearly he himself couldn't have done it. Then Ydris tells him to build the wall and Chane doesn't even blink. Out of character. Chane should be insisting he can't do it and has no recollection of having done it.

The whole section seems a bit off in this regard. In some places Chane acts as if he has no idea what's going on, but later it's obvious he must know. I can see you're trying to start us off in the middle of action, but you're also trying to slip into some backstory. It's a difficult balance to strike.

‘We have known the uses of power for many years, but we have little understanding of the “why” and “how” of its usage. Only that the will to succeed is paramount. Lack of confidence or disinterest both result in failure. Closing your eyes may help you relax, clear your mind and concentrate. In time, you may be able to use power successfully with your eyes open. I hope so.’ His smile was wry. ‘It would be a strange irethan who walks about with his eyes shut. Once more.’

Concentrating on what Ydris asked of him, Chane was conscious neither of time passing, nor of exhaustion, until Ydris touched his arm. ‘Enough. You must eat and sleep. We’ll continue tomorrow.’

Chane walked back to his room too tired to think. I’ll feel better after I’ve eaten.

If he's too tired to think, maybe just have him throw himself on the bed. Too tired to think, then you close with a thought!


This scene may need to appear further into your story. It feels like too much is being crammed into too little space.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Ydris took the crystal rod from his tunic and gestured towards the wall of light. The wall disintegrated like shattered glass. Shards flew in all directions. Chane cried out as he was struck.

‘Forgive me.’ Ydris wiped blood from Chane’s face and hands.

Chane watchedwith Chane as the pov character, this veiled a little bit for me, but I'm a bit obsessed with cutting he/she watched at the moment. the cuts on his hands heal under Ydris’ touch. How did he do that? He raised his hands to feel his face but, when he lowered them, his fingers were clean. To be doubly sure, he turned his hands over. Unmarked. The wall might never have existed, or been smashed. He raised his head to meet Ydris’ eyes. ‘How do you do that? How did I do that?’

Ydris said, as calmly as if he were talking about his last meal, ‘I am idran, you are irethan. The power we harness is the same.’

‘How could I have such power without knowing it?’ Either he had imagined the wall, or Ydris had created it to deceive him. Hetechnically Ydris, I think? did not have power. I’m sure of it. I’ve never been surer of anything.

‘Without the stones, you would find it difficult to focus the power, difficult but not impossible. Did you never do anything you couldn’t explain?’

Chane sank to the grass, dropped the sword and covered his face with his hands.

‘Try again. Give the wall substance.’

Chane raised his head and met Ydris’ steady gaze. ‘Let me leave.’

‘I cannot. Those who have power must be trained. You have power. Only the extent is uncertain. Will you co-operate?’

‘Do I have a choice?’

‘There is always a choice. You may remain here at your will or at ours. It may be that neither choice is acceptable to you.’

Chane stared at him. Choose to stay or be forced to stay. Call that a choice? He did not know Halthein’s resources, but he knew Lady Varia’s.
And if Ydris’ ability to wreck the wall was an example of his other abilities... Unless Ydris was playing with him.I'd have liked a dash or semi here, to link the thoughts Might Ydris have created the wall? Thinking about it made his head throb.

One thing was clear. He’ll make me stay, one way or another. It doesn’t matter whether he’s in charge here, or Lady Varia is. They don’t care what I want, and I can’t fight them. He had tried to argue against Ydris’ ridiculous claim. It had not worked. Silence would not serve him either. If Ydris was telling the truth – I do have power. I am irethan. The suggestion was insidious, unacceptable, but if he could learn to wield power there might be other choices. He took a deep breath and said, ‘Nonetheless, I will not put on Cadron the task of killing me.’This paragraph, I think, moves towards telling, and I'm not sure how much we gain from it. I often have these paragraphs the first two or three times and then when I come back from a distance think it could go. Or at least be a lot shorter - I think theyy reader has gleaned a lot of this, even from this small extract.

Ydris’ expression softened. ‘I thank you. Come, there is work to do. Rebuild the wall.’

With his eyes open, Chane could not. Eyes closed, it came easier than the first time, as if thinking achieved the deedcan you tell us a wee bit about how he did it?. ‘Why can’t I do it with my eyes open?’.

‘We have known the uses of power for many years, but we have little understanding of the “why” and “how” of its usage. Only that the will to succeed is paramount. Lack of confidence or disinterest both result in failure. Closing your eyes may help you relax, clear your mind and concentrate. In time, you may be able to use power successfully with your eyes open. I hope so.’ His smile was wry. ‘It would be a strange irethan who walks about with his eyes shut. Once more.’

Concentrating on what Ydris asked of him, Chane was conscious neither of time passing, nor of exhaustion, until Ydris touched his arm. ‘Enough. You must eat and sleep. We’ll continue tomorrow.’

Chane walked back to his room too tired to think. I’ll feel better after I’ve eaten. [/QUOTE]I thought it ended a little abruptly, and I'd have liked to be closer to Chane. Was he scared? Or angry? Or just weary at being manipulated? I couldn't entirely tell. But I like his character, and the scene is a nice taster with some nice magic in it.

 

[prizzley]

sknox: I'm sorry if I misled you into thinking this is the start. It isn't. Hence the preamble.

can you tell us a wee bit about how he did it?

His first try is in the previous chapter and if I'd included it, it would have gone over the word limit. But you're right, there does need to be a bit more "how".

Was he scared? Or angry? Or just weary at being manipulated? I couldn't entirely tell.

All those things. Plus in the middle of all this, he's had a OMG moment of memory recall. I need to make that clearer too.

Thank you everyone, for your contributions. You've been helpful and insightful. Cheers!