A weird little punctuation one.

[Jo Zebedee]

Only because I'm making it weird, to be fair. I have someone who uses voice commands to start off a programme. I want them to voice initialise something, but I want it as part of a longer action:

She took a deep breath -- “Leda: memory.” – and waited for it to start again.


...is okay, but the fullstop after memory is grammatically right in one way - it's the end of the spoken sentence -- but wrong in another - the ellipsis shows it's not the end of this sentence.

I can, of course, rearrange things, but I'm rather curious to know how others would approach it (because, secretly, I'd prefer to keep it. )

 

[HareBrain]

Hmm, as it stands it looks as though "Leda: memory" is the deep breath.

I'd just do this:

She took a deep breath. “Leda: memory.” [Then I'd probably try to blend the third sentence in with what followed.] When it started again, she ...

 

[Jo Zebedee]

What about a colon? She took a deep breath: "Leda memory."

It still keeps it attached to the action - which I sort of want, and I think, grammatically, it's okay.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

It looks like she is trying to remember something to me. (Although I suspect with your story it is more complicated)

I would personally make it less punctuation and have it as a thought.

She took a deep breath -- Leda, memory -- and waited for it to start again.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

No, she's voice activating a programme, so it has to be spoken.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

ahh

If that is obvious in the context then I think what you have is fine. My only question is why the colon between Leda and memory ? (I am sure you have a good reason for it).

 

[Jo Zebedee]

In my odd little cluttered mind, I'd like a link between the breath and the words, almost like she can't help herself doing it, so I'd like a jon and not a she said as that indicates a thought process.

 

[HareBrain]

What about a colon? She took a deep breath: "Leda memory."

It still keeps it attached to the action - which I sort of want, and I think, grammatically, it's okay.

How is her spoken command attached to the deep breath in reality, though? You can't speak (easily) whilst breathing in.

What follows a colon is usually a definition or clarification of what preceded it (or examples, or a list), which I don't think really works in this case. Having said which, if I came across it in a book, it wouldn't bother me much.

 

[Mouse]

I'm with HB on this'n.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Spoilsports. I could drop deep, then it might be more like the breath and words could be linked.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I'd personally make the colon a comma or miss it out but the rest works for me and I see that is an interruption in the action or part of the action.

 

[Abernovo]

I'd just do this:

She took a deep breath. “Leda: memory.” [Then I'd probably try to blend the third sentence in with what followed.] When it started again, she ...

I agree with HB on this. Personally, I like the colon. It suggests program subfile activation to me - a verbal form of ' Access Leda Folder >> Memory Files'. A comma might work, but I prefer the colon.

 

[Hex]

If you want the breath and the speech linked, how about switching it around so you have something like:


"Leda: Memory," she breathed.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I agree with HB on this. Personally, I like the colon. It suggests program subfile activation to me - a verbal form of ' Access Leda Folder >> Memory Files'. A comma might work, but I prefer the colon.

Can I employ you as my jargon person? Yes, this is why I wanted the colon, that it's an activation cue.

Hex, normally I'd do something like that, or rearrange it some way or another.

I think if the colon doesn't jar too much, it's smoother than the --s, and comes closest to what I want. Until I read it on the next edit and wince, of course.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I would do it just as HB said, keeping the colon. The colon is clear, as she is addressing the computer with a command.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

OK I'll go with the colon lol <<<< I don't read enough sci-fi I guess.

 

[Ursa major]

Why not simply have it as:

She took a deep breath, said “Leda: memory,” and waited for it to start again.

 

[BetaWolf]

Uh,

She took a deep breath, and on the exhale uttered, "Leda: memory," then waited for it to start again.

? Not sure if that's helpful, m'lady.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Ty all. i have an instance, about three paragraphs earlier, where she says it in that sort of more deliberate way, so I think Ursa and Betawolf's might be too close an echo. Sorry, I should have mentioned that.

 

[BetaWolf]

Not a problem. I'd be interested to read more about what you're describing here.