WIP Prologue (800 words, fantasy)

[EricWard]

So Christian Nash and I have been chugging away at a short fantasy novel for the past two months and we're just about ready to start sending it to beta readers. Here's the first 800 words. Shouldn't need more explanation than that.

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Human fat makes for the best candles, thought Ghour as he struck the flint to light the wick. The smell of acidic earth drifted up, and he filled his lungs with it before breathing out, slowly. He picked up a small brush and dipped it in a pot of white powder. The crushed bone clung to the fine bristles. Particles floated down, illuminated by the candlelight, before clinging to his red and gold robe. Ghour closed his eyes. He could feel the heat from the candle’s excited flame on his lids. With calm, methodical brushstrokes, he coated his face with the powder.

Ghour opened his eyes and placed both pot and brush down in exactly the same place he had got them from. And without looking, picked up a white wig from the table and lowered it onto his head. Absent thought, he patted a bulky journal hanging from his belt before placing it on the table. The homemade paper was rough, brittle under his stained finger, the feeling bringing a rare smile to his face. He stopped on the name – Virgil – and remembered whose time it was to help further his studies. Not entirely sure if Virgil was still alive, he slammed the book shut and strode out of the room, the candlelight making way to the cold, damp air of the keep.

The pulsating hum of the city’s mechanical centre travelled to him from a distance, mocking him. I will command the hearts of the people, and the city, he thought. Water dripped from the rotting ceiling of his keep, the upper levels unprotected as people were forced to grow food in place of roofs in the vain hope they could protect what they had.

He passed the barred windows, in place for generations before him and likely to be there long after he crumbled into dust, ascended the stone steps to what used to be his roof, and peered out into the gloom of day. Hardly any sun penetrated the mesh of thorns and forest that had grown over the city walls after centuries of isolation. In the centre, although he couldn’t see it from there, beat the home of the Wardens –mechanical guards long in need of repair and reprogramming. Unable to think for themselves, the machines did their job of keeping the nightmares from getting into the city, but they also kept everyone prisoner inside.

Ghour peered out over the city and placed his arm over his homemade scarecrow. A spike caked in dry blood held the dead body erect. He looked to the south wall to where the Behemoth Ravine cut into the wall allowing water to flow out of the city. Wardens guarded it closely, though, and the surrounding land was a graveyard of failed escapes. The only thing still autonomous in the city, he thought, water.

“We will set these people free, Matteus,” said Ghour, looking into the scarecrow’s rotted, drooping face, a visual reminder of his failed ambitions.

He flicked a maggot from his robe, and after one more check of his crops, descended back into his keep.

One of his more loyal slaves walked by, his head down. Ghour nodded to himself.

The guard walked out of sight.

Ghour snatched at the journal hanging from his belt. Pressing it against the wall, he wrote using a quill barely wet with ink – Harrison looking weak, his body thin and his walk slow. I will have to up his dose of fluids, maybe even a blood transfusion. I will see how further tests to Virgil go before deciding what will b- The ink ran out before he could make any further notes, but he placed the quill back in his pocket with care.

He scanned over his previous notes. Ahh cell four. I’m coming, Virgil. The cells were grouped and numbered on the floor below and Ghour rubbed his hands as he glided down more stairs. The stone steps opened up onto a narrow hall with sealed chambers on either side, numbers etched above each one.

Ghour studied them as he walked by, peering inside.

Chamber one - a limb graft, had apparently died during the night. Its new arms had peeled off the body and were still swinging from the restraints.

Chamber two - in its death throes, having rejected the solution of distilled asptongue mold that Ghour had replaced the better part of her blood with.

Chamber three - had dissolved like flour in the rain. Harrison will have to clean that up.

Chamber four - He pushed open the door and adjusted his robe to block the frigid air that rushed out. Frost clung to the stone walls and the icy blade of nature ate away at the first layer of his skin.
-------------------------

Anyone interested in reading on can send me a private message.

 

[ctg]

Honestly the pacing is too slow. At the beginning you start explaining something and then quickly you refute to describing all sorts of stuff that doesn't advance the story at all. Therefore I'm afraid you need to rethink the beginning as this isn't working. I don't even see point of editing as I would use red pen very deliberately.

 

[Coragem]

You seem to have a good handle on some things (e.g., some decent verbs). And I like the macabre subject matter.

Good stuff!

Areas to improve:

** I'd try to hook the reader in the intro. So, character, plot. Leave any exposition for later (e.g., the thing about the Wardens). If using a 3rd person limited POV (i.e., if you're limited to what your POV character would see/think) filter in exposition with extreme care (or omit).

** The writing would have greater impact if you made it more concise. Really work at cutting any extraneous words. God knows, I'm not afraid of a long sentence, but if at any point you really want to hit home with high impact you want minimal words in a short sentence or short paragraph. Your job as a writer is to supply what the reader needs to imagine something and no more – a few strong words and a few key details go further than lots of words.

Coragem.

 

[EloiseA]

Love that opening line!

I'm Queen of Slow myself, but I agree with the comments here on picking up the pace.

 

[Brian G Turner]

The opening line makes for a great hook, but then everything that follows is a list of actions. There's no tension - the only focus seems to be ghoulish. Feels like I'm reading a Warhammer novel about an orc dressing up in a wig, which doesn't appeal.

The names are also a little confusing - you have Ghour, which seems original, then a Jewish name (Matteus) and then a Viking name (Harrison). I would prefer a sense of consistency here.

However, the setting does sound interesting - a city trapped underground, run by machines, everyone kept safe only as a prisoner. We have something of Zion of the Matrix here, which can't be a bad idea, and mixed with the promise of epic fantasy, that does sound very intriguing.

I just think you haven't brought it out as yet, and instead posted a first draft excerpt, which really does need a lot more tightening up to begin to tell that story. The suggestion is that the rest of the book will need similar work before it's ready to read, but that it could be interesting if you get the focus right.

 

[Colbey Frost]

I guess Ghour is calculated, list-like, so this does filter though when doing it from his POV. He is not the POV used for the novel, so it is not all like that. And we've used a prologue to feed you information so that it does not slow down the actual story starting from chapter one.

The first draft has been done, and comments like these are going to be so important when we re-write it. Anyone interested in beta reading it please PM Eric Ward.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

------------------------
Human fat makes for the best candles,with it being the opening line and what not, I'd consider an action tag and drop the thought which made it seem a little too purposefully thoughtful for my liking. thought Ghour as he struck the flint to light the wick. The smell of acidic earth drifted up, and he filled his lungs with it before breathing out, slowly. He picked up a small brush and dipped it in a pot of white powder. The crushed bone clung to the fine bristles. Particles floated down, illuminated by the candlelight, before clinging to his red and gold robe. Ghour closed his eyes. He could feel the heat from the candle’s excited flame on his lids. With calm, methodical brushstrokes, he coated his face with the powder.I'm with some of the other commentors -- this reads to me as a list of actions without anything to bring me close to the character. Does he like the smell. Does he breathe out slowly to savour it? If so, why?

Ghour opened his eyes and placed both pot and brush down in exactly the same place he had got them from. And without looking, picked up a white wig from the table and loweredthe placement got me with the table and then lowered it gave me the image of him being under the table which I don't think he is? it onto his head. Absent thoughtmindedly?, he patted a bulky journal hanging from his belt before placingI'm not sure about the continuous ing, I think and placed might be more accurate? it on the table. The homemade paper was rough, brittle under his stained finger,so he placed it on the table but kept his hand on it? Why? Or has he taken his hand off it, and if so why is he thinking about the feeling of the paper now? I know this is picky, but it's pulling me out. I can tell as I go on that he still has his hand on it, so I'm not sure placing is the right term. the feeling bringing a rare smile to his face. He stopped on the name – Virgil – and remembered whose time it was to help further his studiesthis confused me. Not entirely sure if Virgil was still alive, he slammed the book shut and strode out of the room, the candlelight makinggiving way to the cold, damp air of the keep.And this last sentence made me twitch -- we have a description of light giving way to a description of air and I can't see the link. I was pulled up on this one, recently, so I might be sensitive to it. But to my mind either the candlelight gave way to a dimly lit... or the warm air of the room gave way to...

The pulsating humi rather like that of the city’s mechanical centre travelled to him from a distance, mocking himwhy?. I will command the hearts of the people, and the city, he thoughtI'd drop he thought - the italics tell us that. . Water dripped from the rotting ceiling of his keep, the upper levels unprotected as people were forced to grow food in place of roofs in the vain hope they could protect what they had.Ok, here I'm twitching. How are they growing the food? Is there soil on the roof? If so what about the weight, especially in the rain. Only keeps (I spent a lot of years working in a medieval castle with an intact keep and know that the roof maintenance gives a lot of headaches and has done for 800 years) are huge, open rooms, generally with mimimal central support for the roof -- often they used posts and post holes. If you put all that weight up there, what's holding it up? Is there a brace, or an archway -- which is in itself problematic, as the supporting walls for a stone arch need to be carried on the lower levels which gives a keep divided into rooms which isn't in the keeping of traditional castle outlines. And when you say the upper levels, do you mean the roof of the building, or the top floor. (I could see the top floor easier, actually, as it might be the stronger of the two structures). It's not that I'm saying it wouldn't happen, it's just that I'm wondering about safety and what not.

He passed the barred windows, in place for generations before him and likely to be there long after he crumbled into dust, ascended the stone steps to what used to be his roof, and peered out into the gloom of day. Hardly any sun penetrated the mesh of thorns and forest that had grown over the city walls after centuries of isolation. In the centre, although he couldn’t see it from there, beat the home of the Wardens –mechanical guards long in need of repair and reprogramming. Unable to think for themselves, the machines did their job of keeping the nightmares from getting into the city, but they also kept everyone prisoner inside.This I liked, a nice sort of steampunkish image in a medieval style setting.

Ghour peered out over the city and placed his arm over his homemade scarecrow. A spike caked in dry blood held the dead body erect.yet he's growing crops here? Isn't he worried about disease? Plus wouldn't such a scarecrow bring carrion birds, and is that what he wants in his roof garden? He looked to the south wallof the keep or the city? to where the Behemoth Ravine cut into the wall allowing water to flow out of the cityi'm assuming the city, then, but I suppose the castle may have built against a wall.. Wardens guarded it closely, though, and the surrounding land was a graveyard of failed escapes. The only thing still autonomous in the city, he thought, water.And then I had some more questions raised -- the wardens are in need of repair above, yet here are still able to stop people. If it's a case that their programming is awry and that is the repair needed I think it mightn't do any harm to make that a little clearer?

“We will set these people free, Matteus,” said Ghour, looking into the scarecrow’s rotted, drooping face, a visual reminder of his failed ambitions.

He flicked a maggot from his robe, and after one more check of his crops, descended back into his keep.

One of his morecompared to what? loyal slaves walked by, his head down. Ghour nodded to himself.

The guard walked out of sight.

Ghour snatched at the journal hanging from his belt. Pressing it against the wall, he wrote using a quill barely wet with ink – Harrison looking weak, his body thin and his walk slow. I will have to up his dose of fluids, maybe even a blood transfusion. I will see how further tests to Virgil go before deciding what will b- The ink ran out before he could make any further notes, but he placed the quill back in his pocket with care.

He scanned over his previous notes. Ahh cell four. I’m coming, Virgil. The cells were grouped and numbered on the floor below and Ghour rubbed his hands as he glided down more stairs. The stone steps opened up onto a narrow hall with sealed chambers on either side, numbers etched above each one.

Ghour studied them as he walked by, peering inside.

Chamber one - a limb graft, had apparently died during the night. Its new arms had peeled off the body and were still swinging from the restraints.

Chamber two - in its death throes, having rejected the solution of distilled asptongue mold that Ghour had replaced the better part of her blood with.

Chamber three - had dissolved like flour in the rain. Harrison will have to clean that up.

Chamber four - He pushed open the door and adjusted his robe to block the frigid air that rushed out. Frost clung to the stone walls and the icy blade of nature ate away at the first layer of his skin.
-------------------------

I liked the idea of the walled off town, I liked the imagery of much of it, but I had some problems with specifics as you'll see above. But I'm in editing mode, so some of it might be too picky to worry about.

Oh, just in relation to this not being the main pov of the story -- starting without the mc can make some agents twitchy, apparently. Also, if the others are dramatically different in style to this, are you selling your book on a style it's not? It's just a thought.

 

[kromanjon]

I'll not go into specifics but it was way too slow for me and at times a bit confusing, me having to read the same line three times over ("Absent thought").

I would also like to go against some of the other critiquers and say that I didn't enjoy the opening line. It reeked of Fight Club to me and that might not be a good thing for a fantasy story (though Fight Club is awesome).

Now there does seem to be a very interesting setting in there somewhere but, for me, it got eclipsed by all the details.

 

[Phyrebrat]

I enjoyed it a lot - more than I expected to, as I am not much of a fan of fantasy. The comments about the pace are probably right but pace never really bothers me* so I can't really add to that. I know that in terms of publishing the common expectation is for punchy stuff so maybe it could do with a tweak.

I particularly liked the scarecrow, the concept of the town and half-faulty robots wardens. The image of the overgrown walls and the ravine cutting through was a strong one and I loved the small chat he had with Matteus.

The only part I stumbled on was the absent thought which I assume was just a mistake and as Springs has offered, I'd change to absent-minded.

Good luck, it sounds interesting.

pH

*an anecdote - I recently had to back out of a thread on another website where someone's response to something posted for critique was TL;DR - or teal deer if you prefer. I found it shocking that as a writer the person in question was put off by the 'look' of the passage in terms of its length.

 

[JoanDrake]

Very, very good hooky first line. Then it gets slow and confusing, especially as he moves around. I think you're trying a little too hard to be macabre, but I will admit you're succeeding.

I liked the business of everybody being trapped inside the city. Greg Bear wrote a whole novel, Strength of Stones, whose main theme was that the cities had thrown everybody out

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

I looked at this quickly a couple of times, coming away with the impression 'gruesome', 'wordy' before resolving this morning that I ought to sit down and say something constructive about it. Gruesome and wordy would still be my sound-bite comment. Your character seems rather unemotional and not likeable - though readers might find him interesting. And the setting, with crops grown on top of leaky roofs (or non-roofs) seems more fanciful than logical. Soil is heavy.
You mention that this is a prologue designed to deliver some information instead of cluttering up the story proper with it. I'm not sure that that's a good concept. A lot of fantasy novels have prologues, but one should not conclude that a prologue is de rigeur. Rather, if you really need a prologue to get the story launched into the water and under way, fine, but if you don't really need a prologue, don't have one - just get on with the story. As for delivering information, to avoid an info-dump that deters flighty readers, it's better to just deliver the minimum of background that is necessary to avoid the reader being confused. Remember that you've got a whole book with lots of chapters in which to drip-feed any important facts.
(I didn't originate any of this advice - merely read it online)
To specifics:
"One of his more loyal slaves walked by, his head down. Ghour nodded to himself.
The guard walked out of sight. "
Loyal compared to what? And is the slave also a guard, or is that someone else?
Otherwise competently written.
To take up Springs' discussion of keep construction, it's worth visiting a few surviving examples of the real thing; the best in the UK being in North Wales (Christian?). As Springs says, the large principal spaces were generally spanned with timber beams, the load being taken on the outer walls and, in the case of square keeps, a central spine wall dividing two principal spaces. The massive outer walls were riddled with stairways and passages (particularly in the Welsh castles). Wales has got walled towns too.

 

[ZombieWife]

Watch adjectives + nouns/verbs. You don't need to modify every verb and noun--not that you do, but doing so frequently can really bog a story down (and add unnecessarily to the word count). It's more in the beginning. This stops happening so much about 1/3 of the way down and the prose flows a lot better.

Obviously, you can use some of these, but I'd just watch for over-modification, especially at the beginning of a piece.

acidic earth
small brush
white powder
The crushed bone
the fine bristles
red and gold robe.
the candle’s excited flame
With calm, methodical brushstrokes
white wig
bulky journal
The homemade paper
under his stained finger
rare smile
the cold, damp air of the keep.
The pulsating hum
the rotting ceiling
the vain hope
the barred windows
the stone steps
is homemade scarecrow
the scarecrow’s rotted, drooping face
loyal slaves

I enjoyed what I read. Thank you for sharing!

 

[Glisterspeck]

Your introduction to this setting/character reminds me, both in substance and tone, a bit of the opening of Gormenghast, except in Gormenghast, the heir has just been born, which gives a sense of urgency and purpose that is missing here. The prose here is crowded, but with some sort of focusing event, the density could work. I like the little macabre bits, and most of the word choices.

Water dripped from the rotting ceiling of his keep, the upper levels unprotected as people were forced to grow food in place of roofs in the vain hope they could protect what they had.

I didn't follow this at first and had to read through it a few times. I think, for me, it didn't flow well from what preceded it.

He looked to the south wall to where the Behemoth Ravine cut into the wall allowing water to flow out of the city.

The word wall echoes jarringly for me.

All in all, it sounds creepy and interesting, but a bit slow, which tends to mean long. What's your total word count?

 

[wulfsbane]

I thought you set the mood well, but as others have said, it was too slow. Also, although the opening line acts as a hook, the burning of human fat is never mentioned again. Usually I want my hook to have something to do with what's actually happening.

You might consider starting a little later, maybe as he starts heading to check on the chambers? That way you get into the action quicker. Even though you wont have as much time to set the scene, you can establish setting and character later, and/or as interesting stuff is happening.

 

[Colbey Frost]

I'll not go into specifics but it was way too slow for me and at times a bit confusing, me having to read the same line three times over ("Absent thought").

I would also like to go against some of the other critiquers and say that I didn't enjoy the opening line. It reeked of Fight Club to me and that might not be a good thing for a fantasy story (though Fight Club is awesome).

Now there does seem to be a very interesting setting in there somewhere but, for me, it got eclipsed by all the details.

Everything can remind someone of something, and with it being in no way meant that way I'll take it as a compliment. You are right, it is slow, but so that from chapter one we don't have to info dump. There's a challenge here to bring this scene to life, but shape it into the prologue that we needed it to be.

I enjoyed it a lot - more than I expected to, as I am not much of a fan of fantasy. The comments about the pace are probably right but pace never really bothers me* so I can't really add to that. I know that in terms of publishing the common expectation is for punchy stuff so maybe it could do with a tweak.

I particularly liked the scarecrow, the concept of the town and half-faulty robots wardens. The image of the overgrown walls and the ravine cutting through was a strong one and I loved the small chat he had with Matteus.

The only part I stumbled on was the absent thought which I assume was just a mistake and as Springs has offered, I'd change to absent-minded.

Good luck, it sounds interesting.

Thanks, I like the scarecrow bit too, but they do say "murder your babies", right? And, as far as the novel goes, I feel there's an overall "punch" that leaves you wanting more, or so people have told me, so I'm happy to hear that's what people are looking for.

Very, very good hooky first line. Then it gets slow and confusing, especially as he moves around. I think you're trying a little too hard to be macabre, but I will admit you're succeeding.

I liked the business of everybody being trapped inside the city. Greg Bear wrote a whole novel, Strength of Stones, whose main theme was that the cities had thrown everybody out

It is slow, something we can now fix thanks to you and the above. I'm just glad we didn't use Ghour's POV again.

I looked at this quickly a couple of times, coming away with the impression 'gruesome', 'wordy' before resolving this morning that I ought to sit down and say something constructive about it. Gruesome and wordy would still be my sound-bite comment. Your character seems rather unemotional and not likeable - though readers might find him interesting. And the setting, with crops grown on top of leaky roofs (or non-roofs) seems more fanciful than logical. Soil is heavy.
You mention that this is a prologue designed to deliver some information instead of cluttering up the story proper with it. I'm not sure that that's a good concept. A lot of fantasy novels have prologues, but one should not conclude that a prologue is de rigeur. Rather, if you really need a prologue to get the story launched into the water and under way, fine, but if you don't really need a prologue, don't have one - just get on with the story. As for delivering information, to avoid an info-dump that deters flighty readers, it's better to just deliver the minimum of background that is necessary to avoid the reader being confused. Remember that you've got a whole book with lots of chapters in which to drip-feed any important facts.
(I didn't originate any of this advice - merely read it online)
To specifics:
"One of his more loyal slaves walked by, his head down. Ghour nodded to himself.
The guard walked out of sight. "
Loyal compared to what? And is the slave also a guard, or is that someone else?
Otherwise competently written.
To take up Springs' discussion of keep construction, it's worth visiting a few surviving examples of the real thing; the best in the UK being in North Wales (Christian?). As Springs says, the large principal spaces were generally spanned with timber beams, the load being taken on the outer walls and, in the case of square keeps, a central spine wall dividing two principal spaces. The massive outer walls were riddled with stairways and passages (particularly in the Welsh castles). Wales has got walled towns too.

Keep construction = check. The prologue thing isn't a mistake, it was done like that on purpose. If done right, I think it could work, but at the moment we've missed the trick. "Wordy" and "gruesome" were stylistic choices that actually helped me enjoy writing again.

Watch adjectives + nouns/verbs. You don't need to modify every verb and noun--not that you do, but doing so frequently can really bog a story down (and add unnecessarily to the word count). It's more in the beginning. This stops happening so much about 1/3 of the way down and the prose flows a lot better.

Obviously, you can use some of these, but I'd just watch for over-modification, especially at the beginning of a piece.

I enjoyed what I read. Thank you for sharing!

Thanks, "over-modification" fits Ghour perfectly, but I can now see how it drags it down. And I'm glad you enjoyed it, it can be hard to enjoy things put up for critique because your mind is in work mode.

Your introduction to this setting/character reminds me, both in substance and tone, a bit of the opening of Gormenghast, except in Gormenghast, the heir has just been born, which gives a sense of urgency and purpose that is missing here. The prose here is crowded, but with some sort of focusing event, the density could work. I like the little macabre bits, and most of the word choices.

All in all, it sounds creepy and interesting, but a bit slow, which tends to mean long. What's your total word count?

I've never read Gormenghast, but I know of it, so I'll take that. Creepy and interesting I can live with too, and just so you know, it's only 50k words strong, and fast moving, but I can see how we've undersold ourselves with a prologue that doesn't match the actual book. It could, but not at the moment.

I thought you set the mood well, but as others have said, it was too slow. Also, although the opening line acts as a hook, the burning of human fat is never mentioned again. Usually I want my hook to have something to do with what's actually happening.

You might consider starting a little later, maybe as he starts heading to check on the chambers? That way you get into the action quicker. Even though you wont have as much time to set the scene, you can establish setting and character later, and/or as interesting stuff is happening.

Starting it a little later is possible, I think the whole scene of him powdering himself etc is not needed, and I can re-work some of the details needed. As for the candles, does it really need going over again in the first 800 words? I don't know.

---

Anyway, I'm glad we posted the prologue, and from feedback given for the thing overall, I'm glad the issues you guys have about the start do not carry through.

I'm surprised with the positive reactions once people have read it all, and now know that with some of the advice from above, we can set the scene, drill it down, create something powerful which does the rest credit.

If anyone wants to beta read, there's still time. Just PM me and we can go from there.

Thanks again everyone.