Fantasy excerpt - small girl freed, 990w

[Cosmic Geoff]

Here’s a scene from my current WIP. I wrote a whole novel draft (vol III of my fantasy opus) earlier this year, and since then I have tried and failed to get an overall feedback of how it shapes up against Vol I and Vol II.
So I crave your indulgence by posting a typical (and re-edited) section here for some comparative feedback.

Just before this, we have a scene where the armed fighters from the boat have checked a native village in the marshes and found it burnt to the ground. Starsin is involved in a rebellion against the Virnal administration.
Following this, is a scene where the camp-followers treat the little girl with callous indifference, and Starsin feels depressed.

Some of you may recall Lia from a sketch I posted some months ago. I might be wrong, but it’s not that common to have a secondary child character in a fantasy where all the primary characters are adults. Lia presents the male and female primary characters with a Problem and an opportunity for me to make them look less ‘cardboard’ and give them something to discuss other than the Plot.
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Further on, he sighted a man walking a track along the side of the channel. He had a pack slung on his back, and behind him, he dragged a child at the end of a short rope. Starsin pointed. "Let's question him."

"Okay, Boss."

The boat touched the bank, and two men climbed out and waded onto the firmer ground. Starsin made a gesture, and the boat glided on till it was ahead of the man. They clung to the reeds while two more men, with Starsin, got out. A muddy track ran alongside the water. On the other side was a thick expanse of reeds, with small trees growing on lumps of higher ground. There was nowhere else for the man with the pack to go. He stood still and licked his lips nervously. "What do you want? I have nothing."

"We wondered if you know what happened to the people in the village back there," Starsin said.

"I might know. But information's valuable."

Starsin looked at the man's clothing, which were loose brown trews fastened with string, a stained near-white shirt, and a water-repelling short cloak. He looked at the narrow and sly-looking features, and felt contempt. "Not that valuable. We're capable of reading the evidence on the ground."

"Then I didn't see anything."

"Did the girl see anything?" The girl raised her head to look at Starsin through narrow, slightly slanted eyes with dark, near-black irises.

"She didn't!" the man snapped, and raised his right hand as though he was preparing to strike her. At once, the girl dropped her head.

Her eyes had some wetness at the inner corners, and the head of a cloth doll peeked out a pocket in the front of her brown, mud-splashed and shapeless dress. Starsin was a little interested in her now.

It occurred to him, though, that this man had information, and he might be very cheap.
"Perhaps a silver piece will refresh your memory," said Starsin, showing it to him. The man snatched at it, and put it inside his clothing with a furtive movement.
"Imperials took them away. They're clearing the whole swamp." The man paused.
"And where might they be taking them?" The man was silent. Starsin showed him another silver piece.

"Got a big camp for them near the town, with a fence round it."
"Why have you got your girl tied up like that?" Starsin asked him.
"Found her wandering around after the Imperials took all the others. Looks healthy, might get some money for her later."

Starsin felt a surge of anger. "That doesn't make her your private property! Her parents are probably alive, and in that camp."

"Finders keepers, mate."

"Release her!" He put a hand on his sword hilt.

The man untied the rope from the girl's wrists, and backed off alongside the water. "This is theft! You'll hear more about this!"

The man had almost walked backwards into Starsin's lieutenant, Ejma, who now made a sharp gesture. The fighter beside him made a lunge, and a spear point sprouted from the front of the man's neck. He fell with a harsh gurgle. The girl squealed in shock.
Starsin opened his mouth to issue a reprimand.

"Okay, Boss?" said Ejma. "He'd run straight to the Virnals."

Starsin gave him a hard look. It troubled him that his men would kill without waiting for orders. That sort of thing undermined his authority. However he merely nodded. "I hate slavers, anyway."

Starsin moved towards the girl. She turned towards him, and met his gaze with those dark eyes. Then she tried to back away into the reeds, which were taller than she was. With a short lunge, he grabbed her right arm.

The small peasant child struggled weakly, unable to escape the grip of Starsin's hand on her skinny arm.

"Don't be frightened," Starsin said. "We're your friends."

The girl seemed unconvinced, for she continued to struggle and pull away. Starsin searched in his pockets, and produced a piece of dry bread, and offered it to the child, who chewed it with large, quick bites. "What happened here?" Starsin asked, when the bread had gone.

"Empire came," said the child in a tiny voice. "Shouting, flames, then everybody walk away with Empire to river. Boats go." Hearing her speak made it more difficult for him to remain dispassionate.

"The Imperial soldiers took them away?" Starsin asked, bending down.

The child looked up at him. Now that he was closer, he could see that she had a nice but grubby oval face, framed by straight black hair. "All went away."

"Why not you?"

"Afraid of Empire soldiers. Hid."

Starsin felt an unfamiliar emotion. This was a small person, who was in distress. Her situation was most likely in part his fault. He should be doing something here. Protect. He came to a decision. "We'll take her with us," he said.

Ejma leant over the body, and picked up two silver coins, which he offered to Starsin. Starsin gestured towards the corpse. "Push that into the reeds."

They got back into the boat. The air was cooler over the water. Starsin looked at the girl, who sat with her arms crossed across her narrow chest and was trembling.

"She's shivering," Starsin said. He took off his leather jacket and when they were all seated in the boat, held the girl's skinny frame to him and draped the jacket around her. She trembled with cold and fright, but relaxed after a few minutes.

"What are you going to do with the girl, Boss? New bed-warmer?" said Bancherva. The men chuckled.

"That's not funny," Starsin snapped. The ripple of amusement subsided. "It could be our fault that the Virnals cleared the village and took her parents away. We'll take her along with us, and find somewhere we can leave her."

"Okay, Boss," said Ejma. "But I think you'll find you've made a problem for yourself."

 

[Jo Zebedee]

[**************************
Further on, he sighted a man walking a track alongI'd reword this, at the moment it sounds a little like he's taking the track for a walk... the side of the channel. He had a pack slung on his back, and behind him, he dragged a child at the end of a short rope. Starsin pointed. "Let's question him."

"Okay, Boss."

The boat touched the bank, and two men climbed out and waded onto the firmer ground. Starsin made a gesture, and the boat glided on till it was ahead of the man. They clung to the reeds while two more men, with StarsinBit confused about the placement, there's lots of people getting out and what not, got out. A muddy track ran alongside the water. On the other side was a thick expanse of reeds, with small trees growing on lumps of higher ground. There was nowhere else for the man with the pack to go. personally, I'd take a new paragraph here, I got confused as to who was doing what.He stood still and licked his lips nervously. "What do you want? I have nothing."

"We wondered if you know what happened to the people in the village back there," Starsin said.

"I might know. But information's valuable."

Starsin looked at the man's clothing, which were loose brown trews fastened with string, a stained near-white shirt, and a water-repelling short cloak. He looked at the narrow and sly-looking features, and felt contempt. "Not that valuable. We're capable of reading the evidence on the ground."

"Then I didn't see anything."

"Did the girl see anything?" The girl raised her head to look at Starsin through narrow, slightly slanted eyes with dark, near-black irises.

"She didn't!" the man snapped, and raised his right hand as though he was preparing to strike her. At once, the girl dropped her head.

Her eyes had some wetness at the inner cornershow can he tell if she dropepd her head?, and the head of a cloth doll peeked out a pocket in the front of her brown, mud-splashed and shapeless dress. Starsin was a little interested in her nowwhy? otherwise it sounds just a little creepy -- is it to get info, cos she's mistreated?.

It occurred to him, though, that this man had information, and heit, I think, as it's the info that's cheap might be very cheap.
"Perhaps a silver piece will refresh your memory," said Starsin, showing it to him. The man snatched at it, and put it inside his clothing with a furtive movement.
"Imperials took them away. They're clearing the whole swamp." The man paused.
"And where might they be taking them?" The man was silent. Starsin showed him another silver piece.

"Got a big camp for them near the town, with a fence round it."
"Why have you got your girl tied up like that?" Starsin asked him.
"Found her wandering around after the Imperials took all the others. Looks healthy, might get some money for her later."

Starsin felt a surge of angertry it without the felt? Anger surged...?. "That doesn't make her your private property! Her parents are probably alive, and in that camp."

"Finders keepers, mate."

"Release her!" He put a hand on his sword hilt.

The man untied the rope from the girl's wristshe backed down pretty quickly, and backed off alongside the water. "This is theft! You'll hear more about this!"

The man had almost walked backwards into Starsin's lieutenant, Ejma, who now made a sharp gesture. The fighter beside him made a lunge, and a spear point sprouted from the front of the man's neck. He fell with a harsh gurgle. The girl squealed in shock.
Starsin opened his mouth to issue a reprimand.

"Okay, Boss?" said Ejma. "He'd run straight to the Virnals."

Starsin gave him a hard look. It troubled him that his men would kill without waiting for orders. That sort of thing undermined his authorityI'd like to see this shown a little more. In fact, I'd like it if he did order them to stop, and they didn't, or if he started to?. However he merely nodded. "I hate slavers, anyway."

Starsin moved towards the girl. She turned towards him, and met his gaze with those dark eyes. Then she tried to back away into the reeds, which were taller than she was. With a short lunge, he grabbed her right arm.

The small peasant child struggled weakly, unable to escape the grip of Starsin's hand on her skinny arm.

"Don't be frightened," Starsin said. "We're your friends."

The girl seemed unconvinced, for she continued to struggle and pull away. Starsin searched in his pockets, and produced a piece of dry bread, and offered it to the child, who chewed it with large, quick bites. "What happened here?" Starsin asked, when the bread had gone.

"Empire came," said the child in a tiny voice. "Shouting, flames, then everybody walk away with Empire to river. Boats go." Hearing her speak made it more difficult for him to remain dispassionate.

"The Imperial soldiers took them away?" Starsin asked, bending down.

The child looked up at him. Now that he was closer, he could see that she had a nice but grubby oval face, framed by straight black hair. "All went away."

"Why not you?"

"Afraid of Empire soldiers. Hid."

Starsin felt an unfamiliar emotion. This was a small person, who was in distress. Her situation was most likely in part his fault. He should be doing something here. Protect. He came to a decision. "We'll take her with us," he said.

Ejma leant over the body, and picked up two silver coins, which he offered to Starsin. Starsin gestured towards the corpse. "Push that into the reeds."

They got back into the boat. The air was cooler over the water. Starsin looked at the girl, who sat with her arms crossed across her narrow chest and was trembling.

"She's shivering," Starsin said. He took off his leather jacket and when they were all seated in the boat, held the girl's skinny frame to him and draped the jacket around her. She trembled with cold and fright, but relaxed after a few minutes.

"What are you going to do with the girl, Boss? New bed-warmer?" said Bancherva. The men chuckled.

"That's not funny," Starsin snapped. The ripple of amusement subsided. "It could be our fault that the Virnals cleared the village and took her parents away. We'll take her along with us, and find somewhere we can leave her."

"Okay, Boss," said Ejma. "But I think you'll find you've made a problem for yourself."[/QUOTE]

I like this better than your last excerpt for critique -- characterisation is much better, and the set up is intriguing.

 

[ratsy]

I won't give you any editing advice but I did enjoy the read and found it interesting. I would continue reading for sure.

 

[Glisterspeck]

The boat touched the bank, and two men climbed out and waded onto the firmer ground.

I'd probably say ashore here. Onto the firmer ground doesn't say much more for all the extra words it uses.

Starsin made a gesture, and the boat glided on till it was ahead of the man. They clung to the reeds while two more men, with Starsin, got out.

I'd give them each some characteristic, like you do with the man with the pack. Also the they is too vague for me, but I get flak for not using enough pronouns, so... grain of salt.

"We wondered if you know what happened to the people in the village back there," Starsin said.

More direct? Do you know what happened...

"I might know. But information's valuable."

Starsin looked at the man's clothing, which were loose brown trews fastened with string, a stained I'd use a comma here near-white shirt, and a water-repelling short cloak. He looked at the narrow and sly-looking features, and felt contempt. "Not that valuable. We're capable of reading the evidence on the ground."

I don't think Starsin would be too concerned that the shirt is water-repelling, so it probably shouldn't get mentioned. Also, could the speech be more direct? "Not that valuable. We can read the evidence on the ground."

"Did the girl see anything?" The girl raised her head to look at Starsin through narrow, slightly slanted eyes with dark, near-black irises.

I'd distill this description of the eyes. One adjective per noun. Maybe "narrow eyes with near-black irises?" Something about not seeing the white of the eye at all?

"She didn't!" the man snapped, and raised his right hand as though he was preparing to strike her.

It may be more grammatical to drop the comma. Or, if you don't like that idea, you can change the raised to raising.

Her eyes had some wetness at the inner corners, and the head of a cloth doll peeked out a pocket in the front of her brown, mud-splashed and shapeless dress. Starsin was a little interested in her now.

The last sentence really feels tacked on. I'd make the description more of a studied once-over, so we get a sense of the path his eyes are taking. Maybe he takes in the dress as a whole, then he notices the cloth doll, then the doll's gaze or an outstretched arm or some such leads him back up to her face and the eyes. If you're going to go back to the eyes here, I'd probably do it all at once, and cut the earlier bit. If you draw out the examination, the reader will know your POV character has taken an interest in her, and you won't have to tack it on.

"Perhaps a silver piece will refresh your memory," said Starsin, showing it to him. The man snatched at it, and put it inside his clothing with a furtive movement.

Coin, ducat, bit, whatever, just not "it". And I'd personally like to see the coin produced from somewhere instead of just appearing. Maybe, "said Strarsin, pulling the coin from a breast pocket."

"Imperials took them away. They're clearing the whole swamp." The man paused.
"And where might they be taking them?" The man was silent. Starsin showed him another silver piece.

Better handling with this silver piece. I'm thinking the man should be something more than just a man though. A hermit? Vagabond? Bum? The characterization is suggesting he fits some sort of role like that, so I'd use the actual descriptor.

Starsin felt a surge of anger. "That doesn't make her your private property! Her parents are probably alive, and in that camp."

That surge of anger should be an expression of some sort, an outburst, a clenching of the fist, even a twitch of his lip as it bends into a scowl.

"Release her!" He put a hand on his sword hilt.

I'd use the character's name here instead of he. Hero moment and all.

The man untied the rope from the girl's wrists, and backed off alongside the water.

This comma should only be here if you are wanting to suggest a delay between the two actions. It is not grammatically required and, to me, slows down the sentence just as you're building tension.

The man had almost walked backwards into Starsin's lieutenant, Ejma, who now made a sharp gesture. The fighter beside him made a lunge, and a spear point sprouted from the front of the man's neck. He fell with a harsh gurgle. The girl squealed in shock.
Starsin opened his mouth to issue a reprimand.

This bit would benefit from giving the men that got out of the boat the descriptors you use here earlier, up there. Then you could just refer to Ejma and the, I don't know, his sergeant, speeding this section up to match the frenzied action.

I'd probably stick with just a gurgle, or a gurgled and fell, and definitely drop the in shock from the girl squealed. At this point, no one with think she's squealing with pleasure.

"Okay, Boss?" said Ejma. "He'd run straight to the Virnals."

The contraction is messing things up for me here. I think what you want is some form of "he would have run..."

Starsin gave him a hard look. It troubled him that his men would kill without waiting for orders. That sort of thing undermined his authority. However he merely nodded. "I hate slavers, anyway."

The however he merely nodded is too neat for me. Maybe, "Still, nothing that could be done about it now. Starsin sniffed, then nodded in agreement." Not much better, really, but you get the idea. I do think your transition to internal thoughts works well here, coming out of the hard look.

She turned towards him, and met his gaze with those dark eyes.

Same comma issue as above. Not needed unless you want to imply a hefty delay between the subject's actions. Also, ungrammatical, so you may want to save this usage for effect. As a complete nit-pick, I hate when people use towards instead of toward, especially in prose. Perfectly okay to do so, just rattles my ear canal all wrong.

The girl seemed unconvinced, for she continued to struggle and pull away. Starsin searched in his pockets, and produced a piece of dry bread, and offered it to the child, who chewed it with large, quick bites.

If you include the "and" before produced, you don't need the comma. (I'd drop that "and", personally.)

"Empire came," said the child in a tiny voice.

I'd like a little more space here, and a little more about the girl. I'd probably go with "said the child" full stop. Then dedicate a nice description of her voice, probably relying on a sappy (but effective!) metaphor.

The child looked up at him. Now that he was closer, he could see that she had a nice but grubby oval face, framed by straight black hair. "All went away."

Given all the detail he took in concerning her eyes, the now that he was closer bit rings hollow here. I'd have given this up front, in that examination I suggested, when he decides he's going to care about the girl in the first place.

Starsin felt an unfamiliar emotion. This was a small person, who was in distress. Her situation was most likely in part his fault. He should be doing something here. Protect. He came to a decision.

Don't explain this so much. Let the girl remind him of someone from his childhood or something. Then segue into the thoughts about his fault. If you want to keep the sentence about doing something, make it more immediate, like a thought would be: He had to do something. Period. No coming to a decision, let his next action show that.

Ejma leant over the body, and picked up two silver coins, which he offered to Starsin.

Same comma issue: actions performed by the same subject and joined with and do not also need to be joined with a comma.

The air was cooler over the water.

I think this is my favorite line! Simple and relatable, it put me immediately in that boat. It's a great first line, if you should ever need it for such.

Starsin looked at the girl, who sat with her arms crossed across her narrow chest and was trembling.

Crossed across is awkward, and the last bit is tacked on strangely. Maybe, "who sat, her arms crossed, her body trembling?" (This drops a with and an and, which would bother some, but works for my ear.

"She's shivering," Starsin said. He took off his leather jacket and when they were all seated in the boat, held the girl's skinny frame to him and draped the jacket around her. She trembled with cold and fright, but relaxed after a few minutes.

No need for him to say anything. It's obvious why he's doing it. Also, you can drop the skinny descriptions after we have that set. It slows the action down to keep bringing it up. Not to start an Oxford comma discussion on your post, but I usually use it in fiction, so I'd put it between "held the girl's skinny frame to him" and the "and draped the jacket..." The relaxed after a few minutes goes into this kind of clinical narration, like a doctor explaining symptoms, which is too bad, because the rest of that paragraph has a nice emotional touch. I'd refactor the ending bit.

"That's not funny," Starsin snapped. The ripple of amusement subsided. "It could be our fault that the Virnals cleared the village and took her parents away. We'll take her along with us, and find somewhere we can leave her."

Here's your chance to get to his motive. He has a brief internal thought along these lines earlier, but you don't need the earlier bit if you really, really, blow this out. Let his guilt hang out there.

____________________________________________________


I think adding the girl provides a ton of potential for emotional development, and I think you're off to a good start doing so here. Someone recently asked in a post how to make a character more sympathetic, and I replied: Give him a dog. Kill the dog. (It doesn't actually have to be a dog.) What you've done is give the character something, or in this case, someone to care about that will be entirely relatable to your readers. Oh. Please don't kill the little girl. She's adorable.

 

[wulfsbane]

I thought this was quite good. I like Starsin's character and how you've developed him. Would definitely read on. Nothing major I see wrong with this passage.

 

[JoanDrake]

I agree with Wulfsbane but have one minor nit. I'd not have him disagreeing with Ejma at all, even in thought. In fact, I might have Starsin issuing the kill order, not Ejma. He is the commander and should know the guy would run to the Virnals. And he does hate slavers besides not being made of silver pieces.

 

[Colbey Frost]

Some thoughts that may or may not be correct.

Is it aimed at younger readers? For a leader, Starsin seems immature, or like he's been thrust into his role rather than being picked. There's no real command there for me, and because of this, when the men call him "boss" it seems like they're mocking him. It could just be an interesting character arc that he's going through, though.

The young girl is speaking like she's three. My four year old son is more fluent than the girl, but I don't know if english is her first language or not? Maybe have her crying in her own tongue before speaking?

These are the only real things that popped up, and I think it's interesting that the young girl is going to become part of the cast. I think she has the potential to manipulate Starsin, to what end I don't know, but I feel a twist coming.

But overall, if your sorted your dialogue out, tightened it up, made it feel more natural, then you've got something that's easy to read, but something that also makes you think.

 

[EloiseA]

I liked this excerpt and would read on. Children aren't easy to write and this little detail struck me as revealing and moving: 'the head of a cloth doll peeked out a pocket in the front of her brown, mud-splashed and shapeless dress'. And Starsin's growing protectiveness was well done.

A couple of small points: 'she had a nice but grubby oval face'. The 'nice' here has associations with conventional English ways of talking about children and the combination of 'nice but grubby' made me think she should go off and wash her face in the bathroom and comb her hair before supper. It breaks with the reality of a wild place made turbulent with violence (her village razed to the ground), the murder she witnesses. You wouldn't talk of a traumatised child soldier in the Congo as having a 'nice but grubby face' and you want something of that refugee pathos of an abducted and vulnerable child without any resources.

The word 'peasant' has quite specific feudal meanings for me -- rural, agrarian, primitive. But 'peasant' as opposed to who? Are we talking about a medieval setting?


I would also read on to see how Starsin handles his next leadership crisis --

 

[Bowler1]

Further on, he sighted a man walking a track along the side of the channel. He had a pack slung on his back, and behind him, he dragged a child at the end of a short rope. Starsin pointed. "Let's question him." – A quick word or two of description of the man would have been nice.

"Okay, Boss."

The boat touched the bank, and two men climbed out and waded onto the firmer ground. Starsin made a gesture, and the boat glided on till it was ahead of the man. The jump to the reeds here was sudden, did the boat turn in again? They clung to the reeds while two more men, with Starsin, got out. A muddy track ran alongside the water – repeat of the track above – ok, just say so, because it could be another track. On the other side was a thick expanse of reeds, with small trees growing on lumps of higher ground. There was nowhere else for the man with the pack to go. He stood still and licked his lips nervously. "What do you want? I have nothing."

"We wondered if you know what happened to the people in the village back there," Starsin said.

"I might know. But information's valuable."

Starsin looked at the man's clothing, which were loose brown trews fastened with string, a stained near-white shirt, and a water-repelling short cloak. He looked at the narrow and sly-looking features, and felt contempt. "Not that valuable. We're capable of reading the evidence on the ground."

"Then I didn't see anything." – In all the dialogue above, there are no character actions.

"Did the girl see anything?" The girl raised her head to look at Starsin through narrow, slightly slanted eyes with dark, near-black irises.

"She didn't!" the man snapped, and raised his right hand as though he was preparing to strike her. At once, the girl dropped her head.

Her eyes had some wetness at the inner corners, and the head of a cloth doll peeked out a pocket in the front of her brown, mud-splashed and shapeless dress. Starsin was a little interested in her now.

It occurred to him, though, that this man had information, and he might be very cheap. – This line felt like telling, when the actions that follow would show the reader.
"Perhaps a silver piece will refresh your memory," said Starsin, showing it to him. The man snatched at it, and put it inside his clothing with a furtive movement. – You’ve not described how close anyone is to each other, where their standing etc.
"Imperials took them away. They're clearing the whole swamp." The man paused.
"And where might they be taking them?" The man was silent. Starsin showed him another silver piece.

"Got a big camp for them near the town, with a fence round it." – He said pointing maybe?
"Why have you got your girl tied up like that?" Starsin asked him.
"Found her wandering around after the Imperials took all the others. Looks healthy, might get some money for her later."

Starsin felt a surge of anger. "That doesn't make her your private property! Her parents are probably alive, and in that camp."

"Finders keepers, mate." – with a sly smile maybe?

I’ve skipped the rest. It’s very heavy dialogue based with vague character placement, very light on character actions and background description (but background may have been done before this section). I’d like more depth. It’s not just characters talking that you need - but paint a full picture so the reader can join you in the world your presenting. Smell, sights and sounds (other than talking) are all missing. Were there no birds in the reeds twittering away, dragon flies zipping about the marsh, is it sunny?

That being said, most of the dialogue was good and I like the harsh world you envisage with slavers and what have you. Yet without the additional depth of writing, I wouldn’t read much more I’m sorry to say. So good, but no cigar – for me anyway.

 

[Glisterspeck]

Were there no birds in the reeds twittering away, dragon flies zipping about the marsh, is it sunny?

Right on. I think what would help are Mosquitos. Would there be mosquitos were this is set? (Do you have them in England?)

 

[Bowler1]

Right on. I think what would help are Mosquitos. Would there be mosquitos were this is set? (Do you have them in England?)

Yes we do have mossies (not everywhere), but they don't like me. Some people they really munch on, yummy, but not me - I'm yuk! And for once, I'm happy with that!

It is little details like the buzzing of a mozzie that say a lot, while letting the reader fill in details from their own imagination.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Thanks for your comments. On the whole this is reassuring. For one thing, some of your comments relate to details I had wondered about myself (Can Starsin see the wetness in the girl's eyes? (or will a reader spot that the angle could be wrong? I originally wrote 'had had' but changed it to 'had'.) Does the slaver give in too quickly? Is there too much insubordination? Is the little girl's dialogue too much like pidgin English? (I'm not that familiar with how children talk))
"Nice"? I was struggling for a form of words that would indicate that Starsin does not find her appearance displeasing.
I thought too much description of the surroundings might clutter it up, but Bowler1 thinks it needs more, and nobody suggests there's too much, so...
Thanks for putting me right on all these details.
I was surprised by the strong reader reaction to the introduction of an "adorable" little girl. No, I'm not going to kill her off. But in Book II a woman close to Starsin dies, and it now looks like I made nothing like enough of it. Rewrite required!

The book is not particularly aimed at YA. Starsin is young, and and has been pushed into a position of command because of who he is rather than any innate ability (though he has been to officer training school in Book I). Just like the typical WWI junior officer. On the whole, though, at this point in the story he should be shown as getting a grip on command.

 

[Bowler1]

I was surprised by the strong reader reaction to the introduction of an "adorable" little girl. No, I'm not going to kill her off.

Cute kiddies are a double edged sword that can cut the writer just as easily, but will usually get a reaction from a reader. I've a kid in my story too, so good luck to both of us!