EEP! just noticed my count (474 words)

[hopewrites]

So this is something that I have been fiddling with for a while. I'm working over one of my favorite night terrors into a real story and finding that like a book to movie translation, its just not the same creature when it comes out the other side. Loads of subcontext must be teased out and "explained" where when I was dreaming it, it all just made sense.

Anyway this is the expanded opening. I've shown it to a couple people before and I just keep tweaking it because I find it hard to establish just the right tone.

What I'm trying to do is to establish the world of a person who is about to have her world shattered. Paint a stained glass window that I am going to throw a chair through. ect.
I know that for my audience to feel the loss, understand the sacrifice, and almost hate me for what happens to her later, I have to establish the idyllic unreality of her life before the fantasy elements erupt into being to change the course of everything forever.

At the same time I dont want it to be too sticky sweet that people give her up as a bad job. But teeter right on the edge of that.

Anyway here it is.

Chill wind swept in off the sea and woke the sleeping maiden to a morning of exceptional beauty. The rising sun reached for her nakedness, longing to warm her chill flesh with its golden radiance. Birds sang of spring, and coming abundance.

The grayness of the night before was completely dispelled.

Muna’s maid was in shortly to help her dress. A corset, tied with pale silk ribbons and embroidered with tiny birds, was followed by an extravagance in cloth-of-gold sewn into a sweeping gown that tightly caressed her graceful form, before dropping loosely about her hips and thighs, to puddle at her ankles and swish softly over her bare feet.

Next her long golden locks were twisted up in fanciful swirls, and pined with jeweled flowers and silver butterflies.

“Breakfast on the terrace m’lady?” The maid quarried demurely.

“Yes Gessete, that would be lovely. And have Harold prepare something light and portable for lunch. I want to go out today.”

“Yes m’lady.”

Giving nods and simple words of greeting to her people Muna glided along ornate hallways and down marble staircases to her favorite garden and a sumptuous breakfast of tea, cakes, fruit, and cream.

Lace gloves deflected crumbs from pale perfect fingers, as thin bone-china glowed pink with captured sunlight.

Freshly cut flowers adorned her table and the surrounding trellises shaded her from most the morning sun with verdant abundance. She could almost forget Lord Roald existed.

His advances were becoming more open and she did not think it would be long before she would be forced to answer him.

To be wanted for one’s self was flattering, to be sure. But his avarice had been long known to her and that it extended to her person as well as her lands was a complement she could do without.

Her fathers steps in the hall were a welcome break to her reverie.

“Father, good morning.” Muna’s musical voice carried sweetly through the morning air.

“And good morning to you, my treasure.” His studious eyes brightened at receiving her radiant smile. “Did you enjoy yourself last night?”

“I could have enjoyed myself more if Lord Roald were less obvious and oblivious. How can he behave as though every creature pines from his absence?”

“Muna, my dear, you mustn’t blame the man for taking notice of your true worth.”

“Father.” She interrupted, “He doesn’t notice my true worth, only my beauty and my inheritance. Don’t let his vanity and flatterings fool you. His avarice will be his ruin, I’m sure of it.”

Startled, but not deterred, her father reached out and patted her hand. “Well. I’ll be sure to have him seated elsewhere at dinner tonight then.”

She kept her groan of disappointment to herself till he was well out of earshot and on his way to his own gardens and the study they enclosed.

 

[mithril]

Hi HopeWrites, I'm sorry I can't be more detailed (baby could wake up any time ) but I hope this would help.. The list is NOT in order of importance.

• queried misspelled as quarried
• should 'chill flesh' be 'chilled flesh'?
• i'd have preferred Muna to sleeping maiden in the first line.. but not a major quibble from me
• As for the tone, I think you've succeeded in your objective to a certain extent, the opening did read a tad too sweet to me. What with the sleeping beauty (sorry maiden ), singing birds, pretty dress and the maid, it seemed like the opening of a disney movie (disclaimer - I quite like the movies though inspite of all that, probably because that's the expectation I have from them.)
• However that impression only lasts till Muna's conversation with her father
• I'm still not getting any foreboding feeling though.. Was that the intention?
• Also by the time I come to the end of this, I'm wondering at the age group it is targeted at..
• I'd still read a couple more paragraphs I think, so if within that the mood transitions to a more adult (everything's not perfect) type tone, OR if Muna stops acting so damn 'nice' OR we suddenly get the fantastical disruptions.. I might read on. Otherwise sorry, it's a little too disneyish than what I can tolerate in a book

 

[Boneman]

Hi Hopes, good to see more of your work. Did you ever see/read 'Anne of Green Gables?' The Kevin Sullivan TV series was absolutely brilliant, and when she struggles as a writer there's a wonderful scene between her and the love interest who tells her off for using high-faluting words - her heroines always have 'alabaster brows and long flowing locks'...

In your piece, I was distracted by similar over-descriptiveness, where you try to bring over the wonder of the situation, to set the scene, and it made me consider that this piece is written for younger ages. Is that so? Because there's a hint of vice about Lord Raold, I doubt it somehow, and that part of the story drew me in much more than all the descriptiveness. I think it teeters too much towards a wonderful idyllic world; nothing wrong with that at all, but you need a narrator who's a tiny bit more pragmatic in describing it.

 

[prizzley]

What I'm trying to do is to establish the world of a person who is about to have her world shattered.

For me, it all felt rather impersonal. I'd like to know Muna feels about her life. For instance, does she choose what to wear or does Gessete select something at random? Does Muna feel it's all too elaborate, or does she enjoy wearing lace gloves?

At first I thought the style somewhat stilted, but then I realised - it's fairytale-ese! Nicely done!

 

[Glitch]

Chill wind swept in off the sea and woke the sleeping maiden to a morning of exceptional beauty. The rising sun reached for her nakedness, longing to warm her chill flesh with its golden radiance. Birds sang of spring, and coming abundance.

This paints a picture of an outdoor setting. Although the following paragraph tells me otherwise.

Muna’s maid was in shortly to help her dress. A corset, tied with pale silk ribbons and embroidered with tiny birds, was followed by an extravagance in cloth-of-gold sewn into a sweeping gown that tightly caressed her graceful form, before dropping loosely about her hips and thighs, to puddle at her ankles and swish softly over her bare feet.

From this I assumed she was picturing how the day would go. That the maid was soon to arrive etc... But as I read it, I see the maid has already arrived.

The rest is very nice, and quite flowery prose. I assume the story of her world being shattered is to do with Lord Roald.

 

[The Judge]

Hi hope -- congrats on the 1500 posts, if that's what the "just noticed my count" meant!

I'll have a nit-pick, if that's OK.

red = suggested additions/amendments
blue = suggested deletions
purple = comments

Chill wind swept in off the sea and woke the sleeping maidento a morning of exceptional beauty. The rising sun reached for her nakedness, [um... she's not got any sheets over her?] longing to warm her chilled flesh [would her flesh be chilled already when the wind has woken her immediately?] with its golden radiance. Birds sang of spring, and coming abundance.

The grayness of the night [a grey night? Are you talking metaphorically of something unpleasant having happened? (In which case it rather removes the idyllic vibe.) Or is this a place near a pole with 24 hour light? Otherwise night is usually black] before [unless this refers to an incident and the grey was metaphorical, I'd suggest deleting this] was completely dispelled. [I'd suggest adding this to the previous paragraph, since it isn't important enought to warrant a para all of its own, I don't think.]

Muna’s maid came in [was in shortly] [the shortly doesn't add anything, I don't think] to help her dress. A corset, [corsets aren't usually associated with either comfort or personal freedom other than in a perhaps sexual sense, so I don't know the image is doing any favours here!] tied with pale silk ribbons and embroidered with tiny birds, was followed by an extravagance in cloth-of-gold sewn into [as written this means the extravagance is inset into the gown, not, as I think you mean, the extravagance is the gown] a sweeping gown that tightly caressed her graceful form, before dropping loosely about her hips and thighs, to puddle at her ankles and swish softly over her bare feet. [um... is the exact cut of the dress important? To me it doesn't invoke feelings of "what a lovely life she has" but rather "how on earth does she breath and walk?"! ]

[unless you're having another line about her shoes/jewellery etc, I'd again take this up to the previous para] Next, [I'd personally only use "next" like this if I were going on to give a list, and so there would be a "then" or "finally" afterwards] her long golden locks were twisted up in fanciful swirls, and pinned with jeweled flowers and silver butterflies.

“Breakfast on the terrace, m’lady?” the maid queried demurely. [I really don't think demure is what you want here. And I think you're better off with a common or garden "asked"]

“Yes, Gessete, that would be lovely. And have Harold prepare something light and portable for lunch. I want to go out today.”

“Yes, m’lady.”

Giving nods and simple words of greeting to her people, Muna glided along [did she ever get any shoes on her feet?!] ornate hallways and down marble staircases to her favorite garden, and a sumptuous breakfast of tea, cakes, fruit, and cream. [this may be the glutton in me talking, but it actually doesn't sound that extravagant or splendid as a breakfast -- not even as an afternoon tea. Perhaps if you want to make it clear how wonderful it is, give some details of the rare fruits, or the perfect meringues?]

Lace gloves deflected [I don't think "deflect" is the right image -- it makes it sound as if the crumbs are being bounced off something hard. I'd suggest the gloves protect her fingers from the crumbs] crumbs from pale perfect fingers, as thin bone-china glowed pink with captured sunlight.

Freshly cut flowers adorned her table, and the surrounding trellises shaded her from most [if the verdure is so abundant, wouldn't it shade her from all the sun?] of the morning sun with verdant abundance. [we've already had an abundance, so I'd suggest you change one or other of them] She could almost forget Lord Roald existed.

His advances were becoming more impertinent/offensive/disgusting [open] [um... I don't think advances are ever anything but open, are they? And by using a more forceful adjective, we get an idea of what she's feeling] and she did not think it would be long before she would be forced to answer him.

[again I'd move this to the preceding para]To be wanted for one’s self was flattering, to be sure. But his avarice had been long known to her, and that it extended to her person [avarice can be glossed as "greed" but it usually implies greed for money, not lands, and certainly it's not synonymous with lust] as well as her lands was a compliment she could do without.

Her father's steps in the hall were a welcome break to her reverie.

“Father, good morning.” Muna’s musical voice carried sweetly through the morning air.

“And good morning to you, my treasure.” His studious eyes [I really don't think eyes can be described as given to study] brightened at receiving [um... as written this means the eyes receive her smile, which is... um... a bit odd, even if technically accurate in a light/perception kind of way] her radiant smile. “Did you enjoy yourself last night?”

“I could have enjoyed myself more if Lord Roald were less obvious and oblivious. [oblivious to what?] How can he behave as though every creature pines at [from] his absence?”

“Muna, my dear, you mustn’t blame the man for taking notice of your true worth.”

“Father,” she interrupted, [has she interrupted him? Was he going to say more?] “he doesn’t notice my true worth, only my beauty and my inheritance. [to a nobleman, her inheritance probably was her true worth...] Don’t let his vanity [why would Roald's vanity fool her father into mistaking anything?] and flatterings fool you. His avarice will be his ruin, I’m sure of it.”

Startled, but not deterred, [not deterred from what?] her father reached out and patted her hand. “Well. I’ll be sure to have him seated elsewhere at dinner tonight then.”

She kept her groan of disappointment to herself till he was well out of earshot [that sounds a bit too colloquial after all the rather high-falutin' language in the rest of the piece] and on his way to his own gardens and the study they enclosed.

As you can see, I had a bit of a problem with some of your word choices which either didn't mean quite what you thought, or perhaps didn't quite fit the sentence. It's always a good idea to check if you're using words you wouldn't use in day to day life. Also do watch your dialogue punctuation -- check out The Toolbox if you're unsure.

Anyway, I'm very much a less-is-more person, so to me this felt very over-written, and not a little over-wrought. I understand that you want to show how idyllic her life is, but I think you can do this in a more subtle way. At present, for me, it's far too saccharine, and a bit too simplistic. Obviously, though, that's a question of taste.

I don't know if you were going for a kind of fairy-tale feel to it, as prizzley suggests, but if so, it didn't work for me. I'm not sure this is actually how real fairy tales read, either. They might show beauty and grace, but they do so in a less Disneyfied way, I think.

I'd also question whether you've chosen the best POV for this. By starting with "the sleeping maiden" and narrating thing she doesn't know, and shifting into giving her father's thoughts/emotions at the end, it is very much an outside narrator telling us things. That is fine for a fairy tale, but it doesn't allow us to get inside her head. And keeping us at a distance won't help us when she is eventually torn out of this life -- we need to be closer to her, to feel and experience the life she has and the terror into which she descends. I'd suggest that you actually write it in close POV or even perhaps in first person, to get nearer to her.

Sorry I couldn't be more enthusiastic about it. But good luck in getting the dream down. (I see it's actually a nightmare -- I hope by writing it, you might change it into a dream!]

 

[hopewrites]

thanks so much for the replies! sounds like i'm hitting close enough to the mark for a first draft. will keep tweaking though

I'm still not getting any foreboding feeling though.. Was that the intention?

not yet. It's still supposed to feel pristine at this point.

Also by the time I come to the end of this, I'm wondering at the age group it is targeted at.

I dont know that ether actually. I rarely do till the piece is done.

Hi Hopes, good to see more of your work. Did you ever see/read 'Anne of Green Gables?' The Kevin Sullivan TV series was absolutely brilliant, and when she struggles as a writer there's a wonderful scene between her and the love interest who tells her off for using high-faluting words - her heroines always have 'alabaster brows and long flowing locks'...

In your piece, I was distracted by similar over-descriptiveness, where you try to bring over the wonder of the situation, to set the scene, and it made me consider that this piece is written for younger ages. Is that so? Because there's a hint of vice about Lord Raold, I doubt it somehow, and that part of the story drew me in much more than all the descriptiveness. I think it teeters too much towards a wonderful idyllic world; nothing wrong with that at all, but you need a narrator who's a tiny bit more pragmatic in describing it.

thank you! many young writers have had the same advice given just before they take it and write something brilliant (well the ones that write in fiction any way ) so Its good to know I'm on the right track.
Lord Raold does have some interesting vices that we will hear about later. Glad my foretelling foretold.
I'll take your advice on the narrator. Thanks!

For me, it all felt rather impersonal. I'd like to know Muna feels about her life. For instance, does she choose what to wear or does Gessete select something at random? Does Muna feel it's all too elaborate, or does she enjoy wearing lace gloves?

At first I thought the style somewhat stilted, but then I realised - it's fairytale-ese! Nicely done!

oooh Perfict suggestion! I'll put that to use right way. It will definitley tone the sticky sweet down to have more of her perspective in it. I think that will put me right back on the balance I want.
THANKS!

This paints a picture of an outdoor setting. Although the following paragraph tells me otherwise.

Thanks I'll go back and put the windows in so its more clear the sun is coming from outside.

From this I assumed she was picturing how the day would go. That the maid was soon to arrive etc... But as I read it, I see the maid has already arrived.

Maybe becuase of the tenses. I'll work on that too.

The rest is very nice, and quite flowery prose. I assume the story of her world being shattered is to do with Lord Roald.

less to do with him than with her, but yes he's a catilist.


Thanks again for the advice and spelling corrections.

 

[Bowler1]

Chill wind swept in off the sea and woke the sleeping maiden to a morning of exceptional beauty. The rising sun reached for her nakedness, longing to warm her chill flesh with its golden radiance. Birds sang of spring, and coming abundance. – I liked the opening despite it being distant from the character.

The grayness of the night before was completely dispelled.

Muna’s maid was in shortly to help her dress. A corset, tied with pale silk ribbons and embroidered with tiny birds, was followed by an extravagance in cloth-of-gold sewn into a sweeping gown that tightly caressed her graceful form, before dropping loosely about her hips and thighs, to puddle at her ankles and swish softly over her bare feet.

Next her long golden locks were twisted up in fanciful swirls, and pined with jewelled flowers and silver butterflies.

“Breakfast on the terrace, m’lady?” The maid quarried demurely. – Missing a direct address comma.

“Yes, Gessete, that would be lovely. And have Harold prepare something light and portable for lunch. I want to go out today.” – Some character actions would have been helpful I think.

“Yes, m’lady.”

Giving nods and simple words of greeting to her people Muna glided along ornate hallways and down marble staircases to her favorite garden and a sumptuous breakfast of tea, cakes, fruit, and cream. – I assume she’s fully dressed at this point, you’ve quickly jumped from her getting dressed to moving about.

Lace gloves deflected crumbs from pale perfect fingers, as thin bone-china glowed pink with captured sunlight. – Nice, but I’m not 100% what it means, sorry.

Freshly cut flowers adorned her table and the surrounding trellises shaded her from most the morning sun with verdant abundance. She could almost forget Lord Roald existed.

His advances were becoming more open and she did not think it would be long before she would be forced to answer him.

To be wanted for one’s self was flattering, to be sure. But his avarice had been long known to her and that it extended to her person as well as her lands was a complement she could do without.

Her fathers steps in the hall were a welcome break to her reverie.

“Father, good morning.” Muna’s musical voice carried sweetly through the morning air.

“And good morning to you, my treasure.” His studious eyes brightened at receiving her radiant smile. “Did you enjoy yourself last night?” – Some description of what father looked like, how was he dressed etc.

“I could have enjoyed myself more if Lord Roald were less obvious and oblivious. How can he behave as though every creature pines from his absence?”

“Muna, my dear, you mustn’t blame the man for taking notice of your true worth.”

“Father.” She interrupted, “He doesn’t notice my true worth, only my beauty and my inheritance. Don’t let his vanity and flatterings fool you. His avarice will be his ruin, I’m sure of it.”

Startled, but not deterred, her father reached out and patted her hand. – Yet you’ve not told us if he is sitting or standing? “Well. I’ll be sure to have him seated elsewhere at dinner tonight then.”

She kept her groan of disappointment to herself till he was well out of earshot and on his way to his own gardens and the study they enclosed.


There’s lots to like and the character has come through well. I had some issues with character placement, actions and description – a little more would have filled in the missing details for me. I felt the section was too short, it needed more.

“Yes, Gessete, that would be lovely,’ said Muna, checking her reflection in the mirror, making sure her dress was just right. “And have Harold prepare something light and portable for lunch. I want to go out today,” she said turning, ready for breakfast.

These extra’s mixed in with dialogue are with I referr to additional depth. It’s still the same scene, but now we have internal thoughts and character actions/movements, which I think pull the reader in closer. Stricter POV would be good, and internal thoughts should help this along more. I liked a lot of the author narration and the prose, but it felt very separate from the character in places – I’m not sure what to recommend here. Overall, I liked it but it didn’t pull together for me and I wanted it to, I really did.

 

[CrumpleHornedSnorkak]

Hi, I'm very new to the art of critiquing. I've always hated it, but I know it is a beneficial exercise for all, so I am giving it go. I must stress, I haven't faintest idea what I am talking about, so feel free ignore me entirely!

I shall echo what others (maybe it was only one other...) have said about mentioning your characters name too late. I can understand why you have referred to her as the 'sleeping maiden', but possibly using her actual name might be more ... better? Ha!

The paragraph lengths were a bit strange to me. It felt as though I was reading a list.

I admit, I had to look up the word 'avarice'. I find it slightly annoying when people use flouncy words like that, because, quite often, they are used to 'show off'. Though, of course, I am not saying that is why you have used it. I think it works perfectly within Muna's dialogue as she seems to be quite the fancy lady. But, I feel that using a different term for this part...

But his avarice had been long known to her and that it extended to her person as well as her lands was a complement she could do without.

... might be better?

But, that is just my opinion, obviously. I agree that, quite often, less is more. But sometimes it's better (for me, at least) to give more.

All in all, I did like it. And was quite disappointed that it was such a short passage. I'm fairly intrigued with this Lord Roald. And would like to know the outcome.

(Sorry, I know this is a rubbish critique!)

 

[Sally Ann Melia]

“Father.” She interrupted, “He doesn’t notice my true worth, only my beauty and my inheritance. Don’t let his vanity and flatterings fool you. His avarice will be his ruin, I’m sure of it.”

This is a great line, try starting here. Then go into the dress, the maid etc...

So the text might continue, ...

She wondered if he had noticed her dres,... Her maid etc.. For her own part she found the flowers etc...

 

[Brian G Turner]

I have to admit I found this far too sickly sweet - the character is so distant that there is no way to be sympathetic to her at all. Also note how you describe things that are outside in the opening paragraph? There's nothing about being in a room, which to me actually implies that she's outside.

I think this would work better if you gave more character experience here - why was the day one of exceptional beauty? Show, don't tell. And show from the character view of why.

The setting of utter bliss and wonder is immediately dispelled the moment we do actually get the character experience - she is conflicted by issues of Lord Roald. Even then, she is haughty - she cares about her personal sense of beauty and worth - not traits likely to gain reader sympathy.

Also watch for small things such as word repetition (chill in the opening paragraph).

 

[JoanDrake]

To do what you said you wanted to, that is, to establish a perfect life that is about to be overthrown, I don't see how you could do any better.

The only crit I have is that you sort make us anxious for this to happen, not fearful or anticipatory but expectant and, to some extent, downright hoping it will happen fast, soon and rather thoroughly.

Of course I might just be in a mean mood today, or every day for that matter.

What would be real nice would be once the fit hits the shan, is to have her to go full mad dog commando, kicking butt and taking names before she escapes. Would be nice but it's becoming cliché too, so maybe not.

One other minor nit so irrelevant that I'm putting it at the very end, and I could be wrong here. I have never yet heard of people putting on gloves to eat, I don't care how genteel, formal or sophisticated. I suppose other cultures and/or races (as in aliens) might do it, but there's something strange about it, my first thought being that cloth catches dirt better than skin. Might just show my unfamiliarity with really formal eating practices too, I don't know.

 

[hopewrites]

I'm sorry I haven't made time to get back and respond. I always mean to and then something necessary (and mundane) comes up. *Shakes fist at time*

Again, thank you guys for taking time to read and respond.

Yes, the count was in reference to posts not words, which i thought I mentioned, but see that I neglected to.

After carefully mulling over all the advice given I think I"m going to take the subtext of the world in a different direction. Drop the maid and father all together, they are cluttering up my narrative and getting in the way. They weren't in the source materiel, I had only added them for context clarity. And since they have failed at that I'm pulling them back out.

as to what happens to her once her world is shattered *evil grin*

Spoiler

so the time line goes: army invades. people get pulled back behind castle walls. MC hides fact that she can become a dragon, and fights invading army at night. invading army is reveled to be made up of demons. the succubus she kept locked in the cellars terrorizes her people trapped within her castle walls. the people leave risking death outside rather than death inside. she gives them cover in dragon form revealing at last her true nature. the succubus is discovered to have escaped with the fleeing towns folk. the demon army is finally defeated, but only after everything in view of or feeding into the kingdom has become a chard waist-land. Story ends with MC accepting who she is and delighting in the hot air currents lifting her above the desolation of her own creation.

 

[lowerheaven]

I just joined and had the honor of your story being the first that I've read. I enjoyed it. Although for me it was a little heavy on the adjectives. I personally like the story to be more direct, it keeps the flow moving. But you created a wonderful pictures in my head.