This is an exchange from the first page of my ch1. (Orc is the POV.)
***
The suddenness of the move made Ranga clutch Orc’s shoulder for support. From back in the boat came a snorted laugh from Esteban, the younger of the crew. At the stern, his grandfather Ibben displayed a near-toothless grin as he straightened the tiller.
‘Bastards,’ muttered Ranga, sitting down.
‘Do they not have boats, in your country?’ called Ibben, as his grandson worked to furl the slack and flapping canvas.
‘My country’s the same as yours, actually,’ said Ranga. ‘And I come from its greatest port. Perhaps you’ve heard of it: Torrento? Our capital?’
‘I have heard of it,’ said Ibben dryly. ‘It’s a long way from here.’
‘No kidding,’ said Ranga under his breath. Orc knew what he meant: the farther along the coast they went, the worse became the suspicious stares, the muttered comments — one fisherman they’d tried to hire that morning had even called Ranga slit-eyed.
***
First, is it clear enough what’s going on between Ibben and Ranga here? (Ibben making a point of Ranga looking foreign, Ranga understanding this and then moving to sarcasm, Ibben pretending to take the sarcasm at face value and not being impressed by where Ranga comes from.) If it isn’t, it might look as though I’m merely trying to feed in information.
My main question, though, relates to the ‘No kidding’. I’ve been trying to think how to quickly and subtly establish the kind of world this is. We’re at a ‘tech level’ equivalent to our 1900 — there is some electricity, steam trains and ships, very early automobiles, etc. But the current location is a backwater: the town has the telegraph, but little else modern. I’d like Ranga’s comment to reflect this, and still lead on to Orc’s thought about the locals being unsophisticated in terms of exposure to people different than them. But I can’t think how to do it – and I can’t see another opportunity to really mark the tech-level for several pages.
Something to this effect would be nice: ‘Even telegraph messages are deemed foreign and treated with suspicion because they have to come a long way to get here.’ But of course, in only a handful of words.
Any ideas hugely appreciated.
***
The suddenness of the move made Ranga clutch Orc’s shoulder for support. From back in the boat came a snorted laugh from Esteban, the younger of the crew. At the stern, his grandfather Ibben displayed a near-toothless grin as he straightened the tiller.
‘Bastards,’ muttered Ranga, sitting down.
‘Do they not have boats, in your country?’ called Ibben, as his grandson worked to furl the slack and flapping canvas.
‘My country’s the same as yours, actually,’ said Ranga. ‘And I come from its greatest port. Perhaps you’ve heard of it: Torrento? Our capital?’
‘I have heard of it,’ said Ibben dryly. ‘It’s a long way from here.’
‘No kidding,’ said Ranga under his breath. Orc knew what he meant: the farther along the coast they went, the worse became the suspicious stares, the muttered comments — one fisherman they’d tried to hire that morning had even called Ranga slit-eyed.
***
First, is it clear enough what’s going on between Ibben and Ranga here? (Ibben making a point of Ranga looking foreign, Ranga understanding this and then moving to sarcasm, Ibben pretending to take the sarcasm at face value and not being impressed by where Ranga comes from.) If it isn’t, it might look as though I’m merely trying to feed in information.
My main question, though, relates to the ‘No kidding’. I’ve been trying to think how to quickly and subtly establish the kind of world this is. We’re at a ‘tech level’ equivalent to our 1900 — there is some electricity, steam trains and ships, very early automobiles, etc. But the current location is a backwater: the town has the telegraph, but little else modern. I’d like Ranga’s comment to reflect this, and still lead on to Orc’s thought about the locals being unsophisticated in terms of exposure to people different than them. But I can’t think how to do it – and I can’t see another opportunity to really mark the tech-level for several pages.
Something to this effect would be nice: ‘Even telegraph messages are deemed foreign and treated with suspicion because they have to come a long way to get here.’ But of course, in only a handful of words.
Any ideas hugely appreciated.
