Synopsis polishing.

[Susan Boulton]

Any comments will be welcome. This is a full one page synopsis with major characters, plot points, beginning and end spelt out.

A note; yes, the characters could serve together on the Western Front and all come from the same town. During WWI, there were the so called Pal's Battalions. Men from the same town, even industies etc joined up and served together. The result was whole streets, villages and towns losing a large percent of their men. This wasn't allowed during WWII.


One paragraph pitch.


A classic English ghost story woven with the myth of a Hand of Glory. One man’s battle to survive the aftermath of the war to end all wars and lay to rest the ghosts of the men that never returned from the poppy-strewn fields of Flanders.

Synopsis for Hand of Glory​

1917- In the mud of Passchendaele Capt Robert Hardy is caught on the wire. While trapped he witnesses the murder and mutilation of a fellow officer, Lieutenant Tennant, by Albert Hawkins. Hawkins blames Tennant for the death of his brother, Jim.

Hardy is rescued by Corporal Adams. Both are sent back down the line for treatment to their wounds. Their path crosses that of Albert Hawkins. The ambulance carrying all three is caught in a night time bombardment. Hawkins sets about looting the wounded and dead, he also intends killing Hardy, whom he suspects has recognised him. Adams stops him. In the scuffle, Adams is killed.

Hawkins deserts the army and hides with a French family. He makes a “Hand of Glory” from the hand of the murdered officer, Tennant, and with the daughter of the family, Marie, murders her parents. Marie and Hawkins return to England and embark on a career of violent robbery using the Hand of Glory. Hawkins is convinced he is protected by the demonic magic that surrounds the Hand.

1922- The small town of Stafford, England. Robert Hardy is home, trying to fit back into civilian life. He is haunted by the past and by the ghost of Adams, who tells Hardy, he has to free those trapped by the hand within the hand. Hardy believes he is slowly going mad, still mentally lost in the mud of Passchendaele.

Agnes Reed, a former army nurse and cousin to Lieutenant Tennant, does not want to return to the stifling middle-class world she came from. By chance, her path crosses Hardy’s, and she is drawn into the mystery surrounding her cousin’s death.

Albert Hawkins and his gang,arrive in Stafford, his former home. It is just the next town on the gang’s list, or so Albert tells himself. But, from his arrival on the day of the unveiling of the town’s war memorial, Albert finds his thoughts consumed by memories of past insults and injuries that he, and his brother Jim, had joined up to escape.

During one of the séances Marie holds, as a way of finding out suitable wealthy targets, Albert Hawkins recognises Hardy. However, events begin to go wrong for Hawkins. He is betrayed by a member of his gang, Lilly, which leads to the police beginning to piece together, with the help of Hardy and Agnes, who and what is behind the series of horrific events engulfing the small town.

Agnes and Hardy, aided by the ghost of Adams, “go over the top”, in a battle to bring Hawkins to justice, and break the demonic hold the Hand of Glory has on Hawkins’ victims. Events come to a head in a wild chase across Chartley Moss, a floating peat bog, where Hardy struggles to save Agnes from Hawkins and the power of the hand.

Hawkins drowns in the moss. The Hand of Glory’s hold on the victims entrapped in its demonic grip is destroyed.The dead can finally come home and rest.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

A few thoughts, for what they're worth. I will use teethies, though, since it's the synopsis and what not.

A note; yes, the characters could serve together on the Western Front and all come from the same town. During WWI, there were the so called Pal's Battalions. Men from the same town, even industies etc joined up and served together. The result was whole streets, villages and towns losing a large percent of their men. This wasn't allowed during WWII.

I'd heard of these before. However, if you're worried about people not making the link shouldn't you make it clear in the synopsis that this happened in case an agent isn't sure?


One paragraph pitch.


A classic English ghost story woven with the myth of a Hand of Glory. One man’s battle to survive the aftermath of the war to end allwars and lay to rest the ghosts of the men that never returned from thepoppy-strewn fields of Flanders.

The first sentence didn't grab me. Surviving the aftermath of the war didn't really get my heart racing, either. Do you need aftermath -- derring dos in war might be more grabby? the second sentence is very long, and I wonder if it might be sharper broken up. But I think, essentially, it fails to really ask me a question. And I don't know what a hand of glory is yet.

The Hand of Glory: a myth that allows (insert detail). In the aftermath of WW1 it falls to (insert name) to lay to rest the ghosts of his friends who never returned from the poppy-strewn fields of Flanders. To do so will make him face (insert horror) and threaten his (life/sanity/safety/family insert stake) forever?



Synopsis for Hand of Glory


1917- In the mud of Passchendaele Capt Robert Hardy is caught on the wire.Immediately I'm left with the confused vision of him being in the mud and caught on a wire. Do you need mud -- during the heat of battle or something might be more grabby? While trapped he witnesses the murder and mutilation of a fellow officer, Lieutenant Tennant, by Albert Hawkins.maybe, who he blames.... saves the repeat of the name Hawkins blames Tennant for the death of his brother, Jim.

Hardy is rescued by Corporal Adamsa friend? a colleague? anything to pique our interest in him? or given they're both sent for treatement does Adams risk himself for Hardy, or anything? I'd like a bit of excitement hinted at. . Both are sent back down the line for treatment to their wounds. Their path crosses that of Albert HawkinsAll the names are a bit samey one after the other -- which is understandable given they're all from the same root -- so I wonder if you might give us a reminder of who Hawkins is again -- the murderous Hawkins or something. Also, why use his full name again? . The ambulance carrying all three is caught in a night time bombardment. Hawkins sets about looting the wounded and dead, he also intends killing Hardy, whom he suspects has recognised him. Adams stops him. In the scuffle, Adams is killedSee I can tell this is an action scene, but here it reads really flat. I think I'd like more voice, more of something to make this stand out to an agent..

Hawkins deserts the army and hides with a French family. He makes a “Hand of Glory”I need a description of what this is and what it does, otherwise it's meaningless. from the hand of the murdered officer, Tennant, and with the daughter of the family, Marie, murders her parentswhy? This doesn't make any sense out of context -- were they threatening him? Or bad to Marie? Why does she help?. Marie and Hawkins return to England and embark on a career of violent robbery using the Hand of GloryAgain, why? I need to know something of Marie and her motivations.. Hawkins is convinced he is protected by the demonic magic that surrounds the Hand.

1922- The small town of Stafford, England. Robert Hardy is home, trying to fit back into civilian life. He is haunted by the past and by the ghost of Adams, who tells Hardy,not keen on the commas around this he has to free those trapped by the hand within the hand. Hardy believes he is slowlylose slowly as a bit passive going mad, still mentally lost in the mud of Passchendaele.

Agnes Reed, a former army nurse and cousin to Lieutenant Tennant, does not want to return to the stifling middle-class world she came from. By chance, her path crosses Hardy’s, and she is drawn into the mystery surrounding her cousin’s death. I'm losing track of things quite badly here.

Albert Hawkins and his ganghe has a gang?,drop this comma arrive in Stafford, his former home. It is just the next town on the gang’s list, or so Albert tells himselftotally lost now. The man was prepared to do nefarious deeds, killing all round him and now is coming up with excuses to do the same in his home town? Why?. But,sorry, not keen on this comma either from his arrival on the day of the unveiling of the town’s war memorial, Albert finds his thoughts consumed by memories of past insults and injuries that he, and his brother Jim, had joined up to escape.how relevant is this bit? The past insults and such like?

During one of the séances Marie holds, I'd lose this one, too. as a way of finding out suitable wealthy targets, Albert Hawkinsagain, why the full name? It makes it read very formally recognises Hardy. However, events begin to go wrong for Hawkins. He is betrayedwhy? by a member of his gang, Lilly, which leads to the police beginning to piece together, with the help of Hardy and Agnes, who and what is behind the series of horrific events engulfing the small town.

Agnes and Hardy, aided by the ghost of Adams, “go over the top”, in a battle to bring Hawkins to justice, and break the demonic hold the Hand of Glory has on Hawkins’ victimsstill don't understand this at all.. Events come to a head in a wild chase across Chartley Moss, a floating peat bog, where Hardy struggles to save Agnes forfrom? Hawkins and the power of the hand.

Hawkins drowns in the moss. The Hand of Glory’s hold on the victims entrapped in its demonic grip is destroyedThis sentence doesn't work for me. .The dead can finally come home and rest. [/QUOTE]

Sorry, this really didn't work for me. I don't know what the Hand of God is, I don't know what the character motivations are. I don't know what gets Hardy up and out of his moroseness. I don't, really, sense the danger from Hawkins and his gang. I know it sounds harsh, but I'm assuming, with the synopsis you want honest impressions. For me, it didn't hook, even though I suspect I'd enjoy the story itself.

 

[Susan Boulton]

Thanks Springs. Just what I need. I am too close to this at the moment. I am trying to re-write this and as you see it is not working.

 

[HareBrain]

Your short pitch does rather rely on the reader either knowing what a Hand of Glory is, or being intrigued by the name. I do know what it is, and for that reason it would have worked on me because it sounds a great concept. The second line is a bit weak, though. In what way does he need to "survive" the aftermath? Is this anything more exciting than coping with the trauma? (Not to play down the residue of trauma, but I think you need to make it clearer.)

The synopsis itself needs a bit more clarity. I think there are too many named characters -- by naming them, you suggest their long-term importance and the reader tries to remember them, the effort of which is likely to render the whole thing more confusing. I think you can probably get rid of Jim. His death in terms of Hawkins's motivation is probably too much detail -- we can guess at various reasons why a soldier might want to kill an officer and then embark on a career of crime.

I also think the first few paragraphs seem undecided as to who the main character is: we start with Hardy but it quickly seems to become Hawkins's story. I'm not sure what you can do here, as you can't leave Hawkins out, but be aware that this shifting might cause an unsettling feeling on first read. So much seems to happen to Hawkins, and when we do come back to Hardy it's as someone trying to settle into civilian life, which risks making him seem a weak character compared to Hawkins.

It sounds a good story though!

 

[Brian G Turner]

The short pitch lacks tension and conflict - name a protagonist, the setting, and the conflict.

I would suggest - from the synopsis - something like the following:

Capt Robert Hardy barely survived the trenches of the Great War, but the ghosts of his dead comrades literally haunt him. The only way he can find peace for them all is to confront the man who murdered them - a man who is using demonic forces to lead a reign of violent crime.

The above isn't great, but I think it's more what agents are looking for to grab their attention - it names a character, the context, the conflict, and something about the stakes.

Hope that helps.

 

[Susan Boulton]

Thanks Brain and Harebrain;

I know this novel is very strong, but, *sigh*.

The pitch and short synopsis have always been my weak spot. And now the short pitch seems to be of equal importance to your sample chapters. A chapter breakdown is easy. Writing the novel is easy.

Back to school with a vengence it seems.

 

[HareBrain]

And now the short pitch seems to be of equal importance to your sample chapters.

In what context do you need to give one of these? (Apart from on Twitter pitching contests?)

 

[alchemist]

Caveat: I'm useless at these. I haven't read any other's comments.

One paragraph pitch.


A classic English ghost story woven with the myth of a Hand of Glory. One man’s battle to survive the aftermath of the war to end all wars and lay to rest the ghosts of the men that never returned from the poppy-strewn fields of Flanders. I take it you're assuming the reader knows what a Hand of Glory is? They might but I'm not convinced. Otherwise the second sentence doesn't really grab me -- it's a little generic

Synopsis for Hand of Glory​

1917- In the mud of Passchendaele Capt Robert Hardy is caught on the wire. While trapped he witnesses the murder and mutilation of a fellow officer, Lieutenant Tennant, by Albert Hawkins. Hawkins blames Tennant for the death of his brother, Jim.

Hardy is rescued by Corporal Adams. Both are sent back down the line for treatment to their wounds. Their path crosses that of Albert Hawkins. The ambulance carrying all three is caught in a night time bombardment. Hawkins sets about looting the wounded and dead, he also intends killing Hardy, whom he suspects has recognised him. Adams stops him. In the scuffle, Adams is killed.

Hawkins deserts the army and hides with a French family. Here, I'm wondering who the story is about, Hardy or Hawkins He makes a “Hand of Glory” from the hand of the murdered officer, Tennant, and with the daughter of the family, Marie, murders her parents. I'm worried Hawkins is just too bloodthirsty to be believable. At least he had a motive for the first killing Marie and Hawkins return to England and embark on a career of violent robbery using the Hand of Glory. Hawkins is convinced he is protected by the demonic magic that surrounds the Hand. I don't really know how he got this power. Is there a ritual or something?

1922- The small town of Stafford, England. Robert Hardy is home, trying to fit back into civilian life. He is haunted by the past and by the ghost of Adams, who tells Hardy,no comma he has to free those trapped by the hand within the hand I'm confused by the hand within the hand. Hardy believes he is slowly going mad, still mentally lost in the mud of Passchendaele. I like that

Agnes Reed, a former army nurse and cousin to Lieutenant Tennant, does not want to return to the stifling middle-class world she came from. By chance, her path crosses Hardy’s, and she is drawn into the mystery surrounding her cousin’s death.

Albert Hawkins and his gang, no comma arrive in Stafford, his former home. It is just the next town on the gang’s list, or so Albert tells himself. But, from his arrival on the day of the unveiling of the town’s war memorial, Albert finds his thoughts consumed by memories of past insults and injuries that he, and his brother Jim, had joined up to escape.

During one of the séances Marie holds, as a way of finding out suitable wealthy targets, Albert Hawkins recognises Hardy. However, events begin to go wrong for Hawkins. He is betrayed by a member of his gang, Lilly, which leads to the police beginning to piece together, with the help of Hardy and Agnes, who and what is behind the series of horrific events engulfing the small town.

Agnes and Hardy, aided by the ghost of Adams, “go over the top”, in a battle to bring Hawkins to justice, and break the demonic hold the Hand of Glory has on Hawkins’ victims I still think this needs to be explained . Events come to a head in a wild chase across Chartley Moss, a floating peat bog, where Hardy struggles to save Agnes from Hawkins and the power of the hand.

Hawkins drowns in the moss. I don't know much about synopses, but I do know peat bogs, so I don't understand drowning in moss The Hand of Glory’s hold on the victims entrapped in its demonic grip is destroyed.The dead can finally come home and rest a good finish but I thik (sorry, again) this needs to be explained .

Apart from that, it all sounds very interesting. Good luck!

 

[Susan Boulton]

In what context do you need to give one of these? (Apart from on Twitter pitching contests?)

Sitting across from an agent or publisher in a bar and they say, "What's this book about, Sue?"

Putting together a query letter/email, where you know you have one paragraph to sell this idea.

One agent I am preparing a submission for wants a 100 word synopsis, another 250. I also need a good strong one page (500 word synopsis) to go with my sample chapters for another and I am floundering like a novice.

I need to be able to, 'sell' this neatly and cleanly.

I know the novel will catch them, it is getting the novel in front of them that is the hard part.

Alchemist;

Chartley Moss is a floating peat bog. The top is just like the skin of a rice pudding. You can go through the moss/peat and drown, as it is floating on a lake of water. It's closed to public access, for safety and because of the rare nature of the place.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

In what context do you need to give one of these? (Apart from on Twitter pitching contests?)

Basically each of my letters includes this now. For UK agents I do a more laid back bit around it, for US agents this is it with a line above giving title, genre and word count. Essentially, this is becoming IT. Bah.

 

[HareBrain]

Sitting across from an agent or publisher in a bar and they say, "What's this book about, Sue?"

I'm sure if you bought them a Brandy Alexander, they'd listen to at least a four-line pitch before talking to someone else or checking twitter on their smartphone.

Essentially, this is becoming IT.

What? I've only just got my 120-word query paragraph fixed! Why can't these people decide what they want? Stuff them! Stuff them all to heck!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'm sure if you bought them a Brandy Alexander, they'd listen to at least a four-line pitch before talking to someone else or checking twitter on their smartphone.



What? I've only just got my 120-word query paragraph fixed! Why can't these people decide what they want? Stuff them! Stuff them all to heck!

But this is your 120 word query paragraph. The two serve the same purpose. Why have two if you can have one?

 

[alchemist]

That sounds like quite a dangerous bog. Getting bitten by midges was the worst thing that used to happen to me.

 

[EloiseA]

This sounds like a fantastic read. (I'm a sucker for WWI novels.)

Don't leave your characters out of the synopsis -- if I was to write what sounded exciting to me and why I'd go out and find a copy, I'd say something like this:

Army officer Robert Hardy and his concerned friend Agnes attend a seance because Robert is haunted by the ghost of a fellow officer he saw murdered at Passchendaele. Hardy is recognised by the murderer: Hawkins and his accomplice Marie are serial killers aided by demonic powers. What has the dead soldier's hand, ironically known as the Hand of Glory, to do with the occult terror engulfing a quiet English country village?

 

[Warren_Paul]

The main problem I have with this synopsis is that there is no punch to it. Reading the outline, I believe I understand everything that happens but I just don't find it written in a way that would make me want to read the actual novel.

I think it needs to be livened up a bit and given a better, more exciting pace.

 

[Susan Boulton]

Thanks for everyone's comments. A lot of food for thought. I really need to nail this synopsis. Back to the drawing board.

 

[Susan Boulton]

Another go.

A plain bullet point basic facts type one page synopsis. Each paragraph being equal to a part of the novel as it progresses. My pitch is a lot more of a hook. ( see below synopsis.)

Synopsis: Hand of Glory.

​

1917- Passchendaele. Captain Robert Hardy is caught on the barbed wire strung across no-man’s land. Wounded and left for dead. While trapped, he witnesses the murder and mutilation of a fellow officer leading a night time patrol, one Lieutenant Tennant. The Lieutenant is killed by Hawkins, who blamesTennant for the death of his brother, who was killed while being sent down the line after being charged with looting the dead.

Hardy is rescued the following morning by Corporal Adams, his friend. Both are sent back down the line for treatment to wounds received. Hawkins crosses their path at the aid station. Lightly wounded during his scuffle with Tennant,the man is attempting to desert. The ambulance carrying all three is caught in a night-time bombardment. Hawkins sets about looting the wounded and dead in the ensuing chaos, but he also intends on killing Hardy, whom he suspects has recognised him. Adams stops him, but is killed in the scuffle

Hawkins flees and hides with a family of French thieves he knows. He makes a “Hand of Glory,” from the hand of the murdered officer, Tennant. A Hand of Glory is a demonic tool of robbers which allows unseen and unheard access to any building, it also has a price for this help; souls. The daughter of the family, Marie, befriends him, and when her traitorous parents try to kill Hawkins she helps him murder them. The couple then come to England, intent on using the magical powers of the Hand of Glory to begin a spree of murder of robbery

1922- The small town of Stafford, England.Robert Hardy is haunted by the past and by the ghost of Adams,who informs him he has to free those trapped by the hand. Hardy believes he is going mad, still mentally trapped in the mud of Passchendaele.

Albert Hawkins arrives back in his old home town of Stafford,with Marie, and his gang of thieves. Using the Hand of Glory, Hawkins tears into the heart of the small rural town, leaving a trail of death and destruction in his wake, as he seeks revenge on the place he hated as a young man. He tries also to silence Hardy once again.

Aided by the ghost of Adams and Agnes Reed, a former army nurse and cousin to Lieutenant Tennant, Hardy, “goes over the top”, in a battle to bring Hawkins to justice, and break the demonic hold of the Hand of Glory. Events come to a head in a wild chase across Chartley Moss,a floating peat bog, where Hardy struggles to save Agnes from Hawkins and the power of the hand.

Hawkins drowns in the moss. The Hand of Glory’s hold on the victims entrapped in its demonic grip is destroyed.The dead can finally come home and rest.

Pitch;

Passchendaele 1917; Capt Robert Hardy is trapped on the wire, convinced he should be dead like the rest of his men. This is the beginning of his battle to come home, to bring with him and lay to rest, the ghosts of the men who will never leave the fields of Flanders. Robert’s fight is not only against the evil of a thief, who exploits the grief of the bereaved, it is against a Hand of Glory, the mythical tool of robbers, a collector of lost souls. A new friend, Agnes Reed, and the ghost of an old one,Corporal George Adams, aid Hardy in his battle. Set in the torn fields of Flanders and a small English county town, Hand of Glory deals with the reality of life after the horrors of war, and the battle of hope against an enemy that feeds on loss.

 

[Hex]

Synopsis: Hand of Glory.

[1917 -- Passchendaele. Captain Robert Hardy, left for dead on the barbed wire in no-man's land, witnesses the mutinous killing of an officer. Rescued the next morning, he's appalled to be sharing an ambulance with the murderer, who is intent on covering his tracks...]

I think you need to decide whose story this is. I think it might be Hardy's but there are lots of names around.

(sorry -- meant to do more but it's bedtime!)
​

​

1917- Passchendaele. CaptainRobert Hardy is caught on the barbed wire strung across no-man’s land. Wounded and left for dead. While trapped, hewitnesses the murder and mutilation of a fellow officer leading a night timepatrol, one Lieutenant Tennant. The Lieutenant is killed by Hawkins, who blamesTennant for the death of his brother, who was killed while being sent down theline after being charged with looting the dead.

Hardy is rescued the followingmorning by Corporal Adams, his friend. Both are sent back down the line for treatmentto wounds received. Hawkins crossestheir path at the aid station. Lightly wounded during his scuffle with Tennant,the man is attempting to desert. The ambulance carrying all three is caught ina night-time bombardment. Hawkins sets about looting the wounded and dead inthe ensuing chaos, but he also intends on killing Hardy, whom he suspects hasrecognised him. Adams stops him, but is killedin the scuffle

Hawkins flees and hides with afamily of French thieves he knows. He makes a “Hand of Glory,” from the hand ofthe murdered officer, Tennant. A Hand ofGlory is a demonic tool of robbers which allows unseen and unheard access toany building, it also has a price for this help; souls. The daughter of thefamily, Marie, befriends him, and when her traitorous parents try to killHawkins she helps him murder them. The couple then come to England, intenton using the magical powers of the Hand of Glory to begin a spree of murder ofrobbery

1922- The small town of Stafford, England.Robert Hardy is haunted by the past and by the ghost of Adams,who informs him he has to free those trapped by the hand. Hardy believes he isgoing mad, still mentally trapped in the mud of Passchendaele.

Albert Hawkins arrives back inhis old home town of Stafford,with Marie, and his gang of thieves. Using the Hand of Glory, Hawkins tears intothe heart of the small rural town, leaving a trail of death and destruction inhis wake, as he seeks revenge on the place he hated as a young man. He triesalso to silence Hardy once again.

Aided by the ghost of Adams and AgnesReed, a former army nurse and cousin to Lieutenant Tennant, Hardy, “goes overthe top”, in a battle to bring Hawkins to justice, and break the demonic hold ofthe Hand of Glory. Events come to a head in a wild chase across Chartley Moss,a floating peat bog, where Hardy struggles to save Agnes from Hawkins and thepower of the hand.

Hawkins drowns in the moss. TheHand of Glory’s hold on the victims entrapped in its demonic grip is destroyed.The dead can finally come home and rest.

Pitch;

Passchendaele 1917; Capt Robert Hardy is trapped on thewire, convinced he should be dead like the rest of his men. This is thebeginning of his battle to come home, to bring with him and lay to rest, theghosts of the men who will never leave the fields of Flanders.Robert’s fight is not only against the evil of a thief, who exploits the griefof the bereaved, it is against a Hand of Glory, the mythical tool of robbers, acollector of lost souls. A new friend, Agnes Reed, and the ghost of an old one,Corporal George Adams, aid Hardy in his battle. Set in the torn fields of Flanders and a small English county town, Hand of Glorydeals with the reality of life after the horrors of war, and the battle of hopeagainst an enemy that feeds on loss.

 

[Warren_Paul]

I'm much happier with this. It has way more life to it. It's pretty clear to me that this story follows Hardy vs Hawkins, so that isn't an issue for me. It's clear Hardy is the protagonist and Hawkins the antagonist.

I wonder if some of the mention of Tennant is superfluous though.

 

[Hex]

I *love* the sound of this story, SJAB, but I think the synopsis could do more to bring it over. You have a lot of colour and atmosphere but it could do with more connections and story, I think.

In my totally ignorant opinion, you could make this tighter and have more connection between things. For example, the conincidence that both Hawkins and Hardy are from the same town probably should be mentioned earlier because otherwise it seems rather convenient (e.g. you could mention it at the start -- "Hawkins is from the same small English town as Hardy, and he's sure the officer recognised him....").

If you are telling Hardy's story in this synopsis, then I wonder if the section on Hawkins' activities in France adds to the story (though if this is a point-by-point in terms of chapters I see why you included it).

I'd like to find out about Agnes earlier, and it would also be good to have more on the final showdown.

Finally, I don't get as much of a sense of arc (or whatever the term is) from this as I feel I could -- so Hardy has an awful war, is invalided home and struggles to return to real life, convinced he's insane -- is that how he feels at the end? What decision does he make that allows him to act against Hawkins (which he doesn't seem to have done before -- he seems essentially passive for the first section of the book -- so what's the change?)

1917- Passchendaele. Captain Robert Hardy is caught on the barbed wire strung across no-man’s land. Wounded and left for dead. While trapped, he witnesses the murder and mutilation of a fellow officer leading a night time patrol, one Lieutenant Tennant. The Lieutenant is killed by Hawkins, who blamesTennant for the death of his brother, who was killed while being sent down the line after being charged with looting the dead. [I'm not sure why Hawkins' reasons are relevant enough to be included -- it also makes the sentence a bit unwieldy]

Hardy is rescued the following morning by Corporal Adams, his friend. Both are sent back down the line for treatment to wounds received. Hawkins crosses their path at the aid station. Lightly wounded during his scuffle with Tennant,the man is attempting to desert. The ambulance carrying all three is caught in a night-time bombardment. Hawkins sets about looting the wounded and dead in the ensuing chaos, but he also intends on killing Hardy, whom he suspects has recognised him. Adams stops him, but is killed in the scuffle [why does it matter that Hawkins is looting the dead? It shows that he's a bad lot, but we see that later anyway and I'm not sure it adds enough to be included in the synopsis -- again, it makes things read as a little unwieldy. What seems to me to matter in this paragraph is: (1) Hardy is rescued by Adams, (2) down the line they meet up with Hawkins who decides to kill Hardy in case he recognised him, (3) a night-time bombardment makes the muder attempt possible but Adams saves Hardy, and dies himself]

Hawkins flees and hides with a family of French thieves [he knows -- don't think this adds]. He makes a “Hand of Glory,”[<-- not sure about that comma] from the hand of the murdered officer, Tennant [I don't think you need to name Tennant -- here or earlier]. A Hand of Glory is a demonic tool of robbers which allows unseen and unheard access to any building, it also has a price for this help; souls. The daughter of the family, Marie, befriends him [is it just befriending? because you need to be quite friendly with someone to kill your own parents -- is she obsessed? in love?], and when her traitorous [I'd leave out 'traitorous' -- it cofuses things for me] parents try to kill Hawkins she helps [him -- no need] murder them. The couple then come to England, [why England? do they flee justice?] intent on using the magical powers of the Hand of Glory to begin a spree of murder of [or?] robbery

1922- The small town of Stafford, England.Robert Hardy is haunted by the past and by the ghost of Adams,who informs him ['informs him' feels kind of neutral] he has to free those trapped by the hand. [I'm not clear whose souls the hand traps -- maybe worth saying above?] Hardy believes he is going mad, still mentally trapped in the mud of Passchendaele. [1922 -- Stafford, England. Robert Hardy cannot escape the mud of Passchendaele, but is haunted by Adams' voice, which insists he must free captured souls. [something about the impact this has on his life]

Albert Hawkins arrives back [no need] in his old home town of Stafford [that feels very convenient -- why are both men in the same town?],with Marie, and his gang of thieves. Using the Hand of Glory, Hawkins tears into the heart of the small rural town, leaving a trail of death and destruction [in his wake -- don't think you need], as he seeks revenge on the place he hated as a young man. He tries also to silence Hardy once again. [that comes over as an afterthought but since Hardy is the central character, I think the attempt to murder him should probably be central here -- so something like "Hawkins and Marie arrive in his old home town, Stafford, and begin a campaign of terror and destruction (or something). Knowing Hardy has the evidence to hang him for mutiny (or whatever his reason is), Hawkins uses the Hand of Glory to silence him forever. Hardy, however, [escapes somehow] and aided by the ghost of...] [it would also be good to have some indication of what effect this has on Hardy -- does he realise he isn't mad? does he decide to accept that he is and go along with it?]

Aided by the ghost of Adams and Agnes Reed [love interest at all? when did he meet her, because if she's major enough to be mentioned here perhaps we should hear about her earlier?], a former army nurse and cousin to Lieutenant Tennant [="the murdered officer"?], Hardy, “goes over the top”, in a battle to bring Hawkins to justice, and break the demonic hold of the Hand of Glory. Events come to a head in a wild chase across Chartley Moss,a floating peat bog, where Hardy struggles to save Agnes from Hawkins and the power of the hand. [I think you need more about this part of the story -- for example, how has Hawkins got Agnes?]

Hawkins drowns in the moss. [again, I think this risks appearing a bit convenient and as if Hardy has done nothing to combat him] The Hand of Glory’s hold on the victims entrapped in its demonic grip is destroyed.The dead can finally come home and rest.

(just went back and looked at your first one. I hate to do this but actually I think it's clearer in some ways -- it explains how Hardy and Hawkins meet up again, for example, and gives some mention of Agnes, who I think might be a major enough character to have her own mini-introduction. I think you could drop Tennant's name, and any mention of Hawkins' brother. I like the seance etc in the first version -- it gives specific atmosphere (and Marie a reason to be included) and ties in with the ghost of Adams.)

One little point -- I wonder if 'mythical' is the right word for the Hand of Glory? t made me twitch whenever I read it.

Pitch;

Passchendaele 1917; Capt Robert Hardy is trapped on the wire, convinced he should be dead like the rest of his men. This is the beginning of his battle to come home, to bring with him and lay to rest, the ghosts of the men who will never leave the fields of Flanders. Robert’s fight is not only against the evil of a thief, who exploits the grief of the bereaved, it is against a Hand of Glory, the mythical tool of robbers, a collector of lost souls. A new friend, Agnes Reed, and the ghost of an old one,Corporal George Adams, aid Hardy in his battle. Set in the torn fields of Flanders and a small English county town, Hand of Glory deals with the reality of life after the horrors of war, and the battle of hope against an enemy that feeds on loss. [in my opinion, this pitch is too vague to be understood without reading the synopsis. For example, how does a thief exploit the grief of the bereaved?

Is this length of pitch basically the same as the bit that goes in a query letter? I think I liked EloiseA's suggestion that you start the pitch with Hardy being at home:

It's 1922 and Captain Robert Hardy has come home to life in the idyllic English village he left in 1914 only to discover he cannot escape the war...?