A short excerpt from a short story. (625 words)

[Tecdavid]

I'd like to post this on the Writing Group board later, in its entirety, but I know I should post a portion of it here first. It's the first 625 words of something I'm entering into Bloody Scotland's short story competition (need something to do while I take a break from my WiP!), and I'd like to gather an opinion or two.
Admittedly, I think the story reads far better in its full, but for now, I'd like a few opinions on the writing style itself. I'm trying to work with more dialogue than I usually do, y'see.

The theme is 'Crime and Trouble', and I'm trying to centre the story around character interaction.

Anyways, here we are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘They aren’t coming.’

‘Oh, they’ll come. Just give them time.’ Jake started pacing. ‘They wouldn’t leave us like this. They wouldn’t leave us here.’

‘Wouldn’t leave us? They don’t even know where we are, Jake.’ The flames licked higher, climbing the old factory, floor by floor. All the fire needed was as an unattended oil puddle, or a moment spent by the propane tank.

Then it would all be over. Ryan knew.

‘I promised them,’ spat Jake. Ryan couldn’t tell whether it was fear or the heat that brought sweat to the man’s red, fat face. He wondered what the smoke would do to his glasses. ‘I promised I’d show them. Show them I could send this city a message, just like they could. We promised, Ryan.’

‘I didn’t mean to promise anybody a damn thing.’ He let himself slump down by the dirty, concrete wall. ‘It was you, Jake. Just you. I came along because you seemed sane – you seemed right in the head. Blowing up a damn factory to teach the world a lesson, wasn’t it? You couldn’t have meant it, Jake. You couldn’t be as mental as the rest of them. I thought you were bloody joking when you came up with the idea. Thought you were planning on escaping, or something, but no, you’re as great a headcase as –‘

‘We are not headcases!’ A bead of sweat dripped from his black, matted hair. ‘We do the world a service. No more smog in our skies. No more pollution. No more cesspits like this, walling our lives with soot-filled chimneys and blackened windows. No more, Ryan.’

A beam clattered to the floor on a level beneath them. The fires roared below, taunting and terrible. Ryan saw the first few blazing tongues, reaching up the steel stairs. Suddenly, he was reminded of all the monsters he’d feared at night. All the things he thought would clamber up the stairs back home. The things that kept him crying, when he was a boy.

He ran a hand through his dirty, brown hair. He felt like crying now. He felt like a boy again, as he watched those fires climb.

And I will cry, wont I? His skin grew hot, but his thoughts came coldly. The others don’t know we’re here – we never even told them we left. I’ll die before they find us, and I’ll die crying.

‘Why’d you join?’ Jake sat his weight on an old, upturned box. ‘You think we’re terrorists, don’t you? Why’d you join us?’

‘Was bored.’ He wrapped his arms around his knees, and just watched the blaze. Watched it climb. ‘Just wanted something exciting to do. Something interesting.’

‘No you didn’t.’ Jake’s face grew pale as he watched the fires, but he managed a smirk. ‘You were shaking when you first turned up. By the back of the old pub. Shaking, like a boy pushed all the way to the bully’s corner of the playground. Like a boy, Ryan.’

‘Shut up.’

‘Look, you’re shivering right now. Right now!’ Jake laughed, and Ryan had never heard a laugh quite like it before. As scathing and as warped as the molten floors beneath them. Wild, and whickering like the flames.

You want to shiver as much as I do, you fat, hopeless prick. ‘I was bored, Jake, and that’s all. Bored, and . . . and just stupid.’

‘You work in a corner store by the East End, yeah? Bored with the nametag? With the uniform?’

Ryan nodded, wincing past the rich, rank smells of boiling chemicals, melting metals, and burning produce. The smells plumed up through his nostrils, like the smog from the chimneys. He felt sick. ‘Bored with that 80s CD they keep playing over the speakers.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope the excerpt didn't end too anti-climatically. The whole story is one scene, really, so it was hard to find a good cut-off point for this snippet.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Argh! Doing this for the second time. Software lost my comments, so hopefully I don't come over grumpy as I feel...

‘They aren’t coming.’ --Don't know who is saying this. You need to fix us in the PoV of Ryan straight away, not four paragraphs down--

‘Oh, they’ll come. Just give them time.’ Jake started pacing. ‘They wouldn’t leave us like this. They wouldn’t leave us here.’

‘Wouldn’t leave us? They don’t even know where we are, Jake.’ --Still don't know-- The flames licked higher, climbing the old factory, floor by floor. --Where did this description come from? They can't see it-- All the fire needed was as an unattended oil puddle, or a moment spent by the propane tank.

Then it would all be over. Ryan knew. --Assuming Ryan is the PoV character here, since until the next paragraph, it still isn't made very clear--

‘I promised them,’ spat Jake. Ryan couldn’t tell whether it was fear or the heat that brought sweat to the man’s red, fat face. He wondered what the smoke would do to his glasses. --Who is "his" in this sentence. I'd suggest using their name instead because as it is, it's confusing. This is Jake's dialogue, but Ryan's thoughts, so the his could be either of them. I also think Ryan's thoughts are too long to be stuck between two bits of Jake's dialogue in a single paragraph-- ‘I promised I’d show them. Show them I could send this city a message, just like they could. We promised, Ryan.’

‘I didn’t mean to promise anybody a damn thing.’ He let himself slump down by the dirty, concrete wall. ‘It was you, Jake. Just you. I came along because you seemed sane – you seemed right in the head. Blowing up a damn factory to teach the world a lesson, wasn’t it? You couldn’t have meant it, Jake. You couldn’t be as mental as the rest of them. I thought you were bloody joking when you came up with the idea. Thought you were planning on escaping, or something, but no, you’re as great a headcase as –‘ --This dialogue is a bit long. Maybe try tightening it?--

‘We are not headcases!’ A bead of sweat dripped from his --Because the previous dialogue went on so long, I'd suggest using Jake's name here, just incase the reader lost track of who is talking-- black, matted hair. ‘We do the world a service. No more smog in our skies. No more pollution. No more cesspits like this, walling our lives with soot-filled chimneys and blackened windows. No more, Ryan.’

A beam clattered to the floor on a level beneath them. --A support beam? If so then clattered is a bit weak of a description for the amount of noise that would really make. And what about shaking, instability of the floor?-- The fires roared below, taunting and terrible. Ryan saw the first few blazing tongues, reaching up the steel stairs. It reminded him of all the monsters he'd feared at night. --Suddenly is a weak adverb. You can do better, and see suggestion. An adverb isn't needed-- Suddenly, he was reminded of all the monsters he’d feared at night. All the things he thought would clamber up the stairs back home. The things that kept him crying, when he was a boy.

He ran a hand through his dirty, brown hair. --You have a repeating habit of using two adjectives with a comma between them. There is nothing wrong with doing that, just try not to do it every single time you describe something-- He felt like crying now. He felt like a boy again, as he watched those fires climb.

And I will cry, wont I? His skin grew hot, but his thoughts came coldly. The others don’t know we’re here – we never even told them we left. I’ll die before they find us, and I’ll die crying.

‘Why’d you join?’ Jake sat his weight on an old, upturned box. ‘You think we’re terrorists, don’t you? Why’d you join us?’

‘Was bored.’ He wrapped his arms around his knees, and just --drop just-- watched the blaze. Watched it climb. ‘Just wanted something exciting to do. Something interesting.’ --By this point I am wondering why they are just sitting there while the building burns down around them. I know it has something to do with the opening dialogue, but the reason hasn't been made clear, the meaning behind their dialogue isn't explained. And even what I understand from it makes me think they should be trying to find a way out. Why are they waiting for people to come when they already believe they won't be?--

‘No you didn’t.’ Jake’s face grew pale as he watched the fires, but he managed a smirk. ‘You were shaking when you first turned up. By the back of the old pub. Shaking, like a boy pushed all the way to the bully’s corner of the playground. Like a boy, Ryan.’

‘Shut up.’

‘Look, you’re shivering right now. Right now!’ Jake laughed, and Ryan had never heard a laugh quite like it before. As scathing and as warped as the molten floors beneath them. Wild, and whickering like the flames. --I don't think this is grammatically correct to split the sentence up into multiple ones--

You want to shiver as much as I do, you fat, hopeless prick. ‘I was bored, Jake, and that’s all. Bored, and . . . and just stupid.’

‘You work in a corner store by the East End, yeah? Bored with the nametag? With the uniform?’

Ryan nodded, wincing past the rich, rank smells of boiling chemicals, melting metals, and burning produce. The smells plumed up through his nostrils, like the smog from the chimneys. He felt sick. ‘Bored with that 80s CD they keep playing over the speakers.’

Phew, got to the end without losing my comments again. Hope they help.

I thought the dialogue was pretty good. There was a good atmosphere to the scene with some nice colour.

 

[Brian G Turner]

My main concern is that this piece is mostly dialogue. Basically, the characters are telling the story of what's happening and how and why it's happening, rather than internal thoughts that would not only drive the experience deeper, but reveal their deeper fears about the situation.

 

[Tecdavid]

I guess I'll try clarifying the speaker a little more often, then. I'd hoped it was clear enough on its own. Maybe I'll clarify some other things too, but there are few questions that are answered in the second half of the story that I want to keep vague in the first half (Why they're not looking for an exit, for example). This is why I'd like to put it the whole thing onto the Writer's Group later.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

They aren’t coming.’ I see lots of writers open a story with a line of dialogue unattributed to anybody, so you're in good company. However, I don't think it works very well most of the time. I don't see a good reason why this line couldn't be followed by (at least) "Ryan said" (so we have a clue who our viewpoint character is) or (better) some kind of action which identifies the speaker. You know, something like "Ryan kicked the wall" or whatever.

‘Oh, they’ll come. Just give them time.’ Jake started pacing. Without the identifier I suggested above, we think Jake is the viewpoint character. ‘They wouldn’t leave us like this. They wouldn’t leave us here.’
Last sentence is redundant. If you think you need a line here, it should add something. "They won't let us die" or whatever.
‘Wouldn’t leave us? They don’t even know where we are, Jake.’ The flames licked higher, climbing the old factory, floor by floor. All the fire needed was as an unattended oil puddle, or a moment spent by the propane tank. Good description and suspense. I like the fact that you personify the fire here.

Then it would all be over. Ryan knew. I don't think you nned the second sentence; as out viewpoint character, everything we are told is what Ryan knows. I would just add the first sentence to the previous paragraph.

‘I promised them,’ spat Jake. Ryan couldn’t tell whether it was fear or the heat that brought sweat to the man’s I think I would just say "Jake's" red, fat face. I think "fat red" (no comma) would flow better He wondered what the smoke would do to his glasses. I had no problem with the pronounds here, just to give a second opinion. ‘I promised I’d show them. Show them I could send this city a message, just like they could. We promised, Ryan.’ Jake seems to repeat parts of phrases a lot. I can accept this as a touch of characterization, but I might tone it down a bit. Something like "I promised them" etc. then "I promised them we could send the city a message. We promised them." Whatever you think would work.

‘I didn’t mean to promise anybody a damn thing.’ He let himself slump down by I'd delete "by" the dirty, I'd delete the comma - "dirty" modifies "concrete wall" I think concrete wall. ‘It was you, Jake. Just you. I came along because you seemed sane – you seemed right in the head. Redundant. If you need something here, it should add something. "Not a bloody lunatic like the others" or whatever Blowing up a damn factory to teach the world a lesson, wasn’t it? You couldn’t have meant it, Jake. You couldn’t be as mental as the rest of them. I thought you were bloody joking when you came up with the idea. Thought you were planning on escaping, or something, but no, you’re as great a headcase as –‘

‘We are not headcases!’ A bead of sweat dripped from his black, matted hair. I'd suggest "matted black hair" ‘We do the world a service. No more smog in our skies. No more pollution. No more cesspits like this, walling our lives with soot-filled chimneys and blackened windows. No more, Ryan.’ Good strong speech by Jake.

A beam clattered to the floor on a level beneath them. The fires roared below, taunting and terrible. Ryan saw the first few blazing tongues, delete comma reaching up the steel stairs. Normally I would suggest getting rid of filtering words like "Ryan saw" and just start with "The first few blazing tongues reached up" etc. but I think you can get away with it here, since we go deep into his reaction to what he sees. Watch out for this, though. Suddenly, I agree with losing "suddenly" he was reminded of all the monsters he’d feared at night. All the things he thought would clamber up the stairs back home. The things that kept him crying,delete comma when he was a boy. I can see you have a habit of overlapping phrases from one sentence to the next, as I noted in the dialogue above. Note how we repeat "all the" and then "the things." I'd cut back a little on this.

He ran a hand through his dirty, brown hair. I see this kind of self-description in viewpoint characters a lot, and it's always awkward. Note that we are experiencing everything through Ryan's mind. He won't be thinking about the color of his hair at this point. I know this makes it very hard to describe a viewpoint character, but I think it is more important to stay within what he thinks and what he experiences. You might be able to get away with something like "He ran a hand through his hair. It felt dirty and greasy" but it's hard to imagine him experiencing his own hair color without a good reason. (He'd have to compare himself to a good-looking blond guy or something.) He felt like crying now. Delete "now" He felt like a boy again,delete comma, and might change this to "as the fires climbed" to avoid the filter words "he watched." as he watched those fires climb.

And I will cry, wont I? His skin grew hot, but his thoughts came coldly. The others don’t know we’re here – we never even told them we left. I’ll die before they find us, and I’ll die crying. Good emotional appeal.

‘Why’d you join?’ Jake sat his weight delete "his weight" and add something else to indicate his bulk -- the box might groan under him or something on an old, delete "old" and comma -- this is a good example of a place where you don't need two modifiers. upturned box. ‘You think we’re terrorists, don’t you? Why’d you join us?’ As before, note how you repeat phrases. I might delete the first "Why'd you join" and keep the other.

‘Was bored.’ He wrapped his arms around his knees, delete the comma -- this is something you need to watch out for and just watched the blaze. Watched it climb. I'd delete "just" and avoid the repeated word "watched" -- "and watched the blaze climb" is enough. ‘Just wanted something exciting to do. Something interesting.’

‘No you didn’t.’ Jake’s face grew pale as he watched the fires, but he managed a smirk. ‘You were shaking when you first turned up. By the back of the old pub. Shaking, like a boy pushed all the way to the bully’s corner of the playground. Like a boy, Ryan.’ I'm going to contadict myself a bit here and say that the repeated phrase "like a boy" works very well here. I guess my point is that you have to know when this works -- generally to carry an emotional impact, as here -- and when it does not.

‘Shut up.’

‘Look, you’re shivering right now. Right now!’ Jake laughed, and delete "and" and start new sentence Ryan had never heard a laugh quite like it before. As scathing and as delete second "as"warped as the molten floors beneath them. Wild,delete comma and whickering like the flames.

You want to shiver as much as I do, you fat, hopeless prick. ‘I was bored, Jake, and that’s all. Bored, and . . . and just stupid.’

‘You work in a corner store by the East End, yeah? Bored with the nametag? With the uniform?’

Ryan nodded, wincing past the rich, rank smells of boiling chemicals, melting metals, and burning produce. The smells plumed up through his nostrils, like the smog from the chimneys. He felt sick. ‘Bored with that 80s CD they keep playing over the speakers.’

Despite all my nitpicking, you do a good job with your characters, with dialogue, with sensory details, and with creating suspense. This just needs to be polished to remove words you don't need, commas you don't need, and some of the repeated phrases.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Yes, there is quite a lot of dialogue in it, and the dialogue carries the story with a measure of success.
However I have to declare an interest here, in that some years ago I spent a while working at a fire prevention research establishment. To me, your account of some men standing inside a building that's on fire doesn't ring true. What (sane) fire-raisers do, is set their fires on the ground floor, then leg it outside before the fire catches hold. If a fire-raiser was trapped on the upper floors of a factory building that was on fire, the likelihood is that he'd be suffocated by thick, hot, black, poisonous smoke long before he had a chance to worry about being burnt. Modern factories are generally single-storey, or with open mezzanines. True, the old cotton mills were multi-storey, but I don't think that they have much resistance to fire and smoke spreading upwards.

 

[Tecdavid]

Thanks for the comments, Victoria. That's a lot to work with!

However I have to declare an interest here, in that some years ago I spent a while working at a fire prevention research establishment. To me, your account of some men standing inside a building that's on fire doesn't ring true. What (sane) fire-raisers do, is set their fires on the ground floor, then leg it outside before the fire catches hold. If a fire-raiser was trapped on the upper floors of a factory building that was on fire, the likelihood is that he'd be suffocated by thick, hot, black, poisonous smoke long before he had a chance to worry about being burnt. Modern factories are generally single-storey, or with open mezzanines. True, the old cotton mills were multi-storey, but I don't think that they have much resistance to fire and smoke spreading upwards.

Well...

...Bugger.

So, I probably come across as being pretty stupid. There's a reason for that.
I know fire and smoke rise (there's a moment later when Ryan comments on smoke bellowing up from a stairwell), but I didn't think smoke plumed so thickly so suddenly. At least, not in every case.
So put this down to me making dumb assumptions. I wonder if there's a way I can salvage this, then.

Basically, once they started the fire, it immediately spread beyond their control, thus blocking them from the exits and causing them to panic (which is why they ran upstairs.)

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

If you want to fix your story, I'd suggest that you work on a reason why they can't just escape by the fire exits (research required on legal position of chaining up fire exits). Also find a suitable multi-storey building you could use as a model. If they break in, get themselves in a muddle or are spooked by the unexpected (to them) spread of dangerous smoke, and can't get out the way they came in or via the fire exits, they might then flee to a higher floor. The flooring and smoke check doors would prevent fire and smoke reaching them for a while, but for how long? An old and badly managed building would present more danger.
BTW, it's a common practice to alarm fire exits nowadays. Further to that, IIRC most of the commercial premises I worked in had security alarm systems fitted to monitor spaces and exits (and I suspect that almost all do).

 

[Tecdavid]

Because it's a short story, I don't want too much description. I'm worried that detailing the place's susceptibility to fire would only slow things down.
It isn't set in any particular era, so what if it were simply an old factory that just didn't take great precuations? Was there a time, say a few decades ago, when this could be the case?

 

[Mark R]

I enjoyed this, and in specific response to your question about fire safety, it wasn't until The Fire Safety Act of 1971 in England and Wales that a national law requiring buildings to offer means of escape to people came into force. Before that there were local regulations and national laws that established building codes, but these were usually about the thickness of walls and materials used.

So were there old factories that were horrifically unsafe to persons in the event of a fire prior to 1971? Oh god yes.