1001 post Critique (untitled 439 words)

[ratsy]

Hello all, Perp just informed me I am supposed to post something for a critique on my 1000th post...Alas I already posted 1000, so this will be the 1001

Here is a start to a short story I am working on, and it is the only thing I have to post on this computer so here it goes....



Music filled the room as the soft steps of dozens of couple’s synchronized movements pattered on the floor. Dean watched the happy, laughing couples as they swayed this way and that to the music. The dancing seemed to insinuate a slightly animalistic ritual between man and woman. This was all done in suits and gowns of course. He had always hated dancing, ever since he was a child. He was sure the emotion needed to enjoy such an activity was missing in him. He only danced in the streets, with a blade.

Dean motioned for a server to come over and got a refill on his wine. If he was going to be forced to watch this drivel he may as well do it half drunk. The music slowed, then stopped and the floor emptied out as a faster song started up; many of the couples were already flushed. Leaving his half full glass on the table, Dean walked over to the double doors leading to an outdoor balcony.

Outside he lit a pipe and calmed as the tobacco hit his lungs. He felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned. A raven haired woman, wearing a red dress stood before him. She smiled at him, making his heart beat a little faster. He tried to never get distracted but he was a man after all and her dress was fitting quite tightly. She turned and bent her finger indicating he should follow her. Dean had been invited to this gala anonymously, which given his profession was not uncommon so he had been waiting for contact.

He followed her inside and then through the kitchen where he accidentally walked into a server, spilling a drink on the floor. After a hasty apology he quickened his pace into a room where guest coats had been hung. Dean lost sight of the woman in red at the same time he heard a cacophony of screams coming from the ballroom. He took a quick glance through the jackets but could see the mystery woman nowhere.

He followed the shouting into the candle-lit ballroom. The music had ceased and everyone was standing around the head table. Dean slunk through the people, softly shouldering his way in to see what had happened. There sat Lord Arthur Tremlon, the host of this event, face first in the table. There appeared to be no body wounds so poison would be the culprit more than likely. Dean could feel his stomach drop as he realized he was probably the only assassin invited to the gala. I need a new profession; maybe one with less framing.

 

[Esfires]

Sounds more like the start of a novel than of a short story. Short stories have to be compact, every sentence being necessary to the story. You spend a lot of time on description and mundane action that, while it may be fun to write and to read, takes up valuable wordspace that you don't have to spare.

Figure out exactly what the story is that you want to tell. Short stories are not just "shorter" versions of novel-type stories. They have a different structure. Novels usually have a setup, inciting incident, discover period, rise to climax, climax, and denouement. A short story, on the other hand, usually has two parts. First, it sets up a question: Will they or won't they? / Who done it? / Is he gonna make it? Second, it answers the question: They will / Colonel Mustard with the candlestick / He's dead, Jim.

This scene, regardless of how well it is or isn't written, feels like the first scene to a longer story. Sometimes this is due to the fact that some people just sit down and start playing around with characters and events and see what happens. This can work out with a novel a lot easier than with a short story. For this, I would recommend you sit down and figure out exactly what it is that the story needs to accomplish.


That being said, your grammar is mostly fine. I would recommend you pay more attention to the ebb and flow of the narrative, though. Most of the excerpt seems to be "Dean did this, then he did that, then he did that, then he did something else." A narrative needs to have punch and reaction. Dean did this, then something happened because of what he did. Someone else did action X, and Dean reacted to it with emotion Y. You'll find a good layout of this concept here: http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/articles/writing-the-perfect-scene/

Also, pay attention to your perspective. Most of the scene is in third person, but your very last sentence reverts to first person. I assume the sentence is in Dean's head, but it needs to have a "Dean thought" tagged on to it.
i.e.: "I need a new profession, Dean thought. Maybe one with less framing." Or you could italicize it, as some writers do with internal thoughts. Or you could do both: "I need a new profession, Dean thought. Maybe one with less framing."

 

[ratsy]

Thanks for the feedback. I always forget when I copy paste that the italics dont follow. Ie the last line. I was planning on a 3-5000 word story so I think this 430 word intro should work.

 

[sooC]

I like it, I'd read on. "He only danced in the streets, with a blade." brought a smile to my face.

 

[Mirannan]

Grammar nitpick; in the first sentence IMHO it ought to be couples' not couple's.

As others have said, this feels like the intro to a fairly long work. Maybe at the outer edge of the short story definition?

 

[Warren_Paul]

It was an interesting piece and sets it up well enough, if rather quickly, but that can be expected from short stories. I did think the way you structured some of the sentences didn't flow right. They just sounded awkward. I've made a few suggestions to fix this. I also thought the unsympathetic side of the character was a bit overdone and it clashed with him running into the server and apologising.

Music filled the room as the soft steps of dozens of couple’s --This is singular possessiveness yet you're talking about a group. If I know my grammar right it should be: couples'-- synchronized movements pattered on across the floor. Dean watched the happy, laughing couples as they swayed this way and that to the music. The dancing seemed to insinuate a slightly animalistic ritual between man and woman. This was all done in suits and gowns of course. He had always hated dancing, ever since he was a child. He and was sure the emotion needed to enjoy such an activity was missing in him. He only danced in the streets, with a blade. --Joining the sentences with an and cuts down on the overuse of He as a first word in the sentences.

Dean motioned for a server to come over and got a refill on his wine. If he was going to be forced to watch this drivel he may as well do it half drunk. The music slowed, then stopped and the floor emptied out as a faster song started up; many of the couples were already flushed. Leaving his half full glass on the table, Dean walked over to the double doors leading to an outdoor balcony. Dean walked over to the double doors leading out onto a balcony. --doors and outdoor clashed a bit with me--

Outside he lit a pipe and calmed as the tobacco hit his lungs. He felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned. A raven haired woman, wearing a red dress stood before him. She smiled at him, making his heart beat a little faster. He tried to never get distracted but he was a man after all and her dress was fitting quite tightly. She turned and bent her finger indicating he should follow her. Dean had been invited to this gala anonymously, which given his profession was not uncommon so he had been waiting for contact.

He followed her inside and then through the kitchen where he accidentally walked into a server, spilling a drink on the floor. --Need to clarify here. Who spilt the drink, him or the server? Seems a bit clumsy for this guy based on the impression we get of his occupation so far. Apologising also goes against that impression-- After a hasty apology he quickened his pace into a room where guest coats had been hung. Dean lost sight of the woman in red at the same time he heard a cacophony of screams coming from the ballroom. He took a quick glance through the jackets but could see the mystery woman nowhere. but the mystery woman was nowhere to be seen. --This last bit of the sentence is a little clumsy to me on the grammar. It's the "woman nowhere" at fault--

He followed the shouting into the candle-lit ballroom. The music had ceased and everyone was standing around the head table. Dean slunk through the people, softly shouldering his way in to see what had happened. There sat Lord Arthur Tremlon, the host of this event, face first in the table. There appeared to be no body wounds on his body, so poison would be the culprit more than likely. was more than likely the culprit. Dean could feel his stomach drop as he realized he was probably the only assassin invited to the gala. I need a new profession; maybe one with less framing. --Italicise last sentence since it is his direct thoughts--

 

[SciFrac]

Ratsy, I think his moves along quite well. You have a reveal that hooks at the end, although the "lady in red" struck me as cliche. There is tightening to do, but I'd keep reading.

 

[Christopher Lee]

I enjoyed it. All I can say is that I agree with Esfires in that it doesn't seem compact and to-the-point enough to be a short story. However, if you think it will work for the size of the short story you're planning, then do what you gotta do man. Just remember that when you are doing the re-write later, this first 400 words or so could be tightened up a hair.

Otherwise, I enjoyed it. A few little nitpicks, but WP cleared up any that I saw.

Also, congrats on the 1000 posts.

 

[hopewrites]

Congratulations on your 1000th post.
I liked the perspective the narrator has. I'd lose the line about animistic dancing as it flashed a different kind of dance into my mind that was sustained for only the one sentence. Or switch up its bracing lines to more clearly define the kind of dance being done. Whichever is right.

I liked your MC, relatable if distant. Though if it were me, I wouldnt have suspected a set up, so much as wondered where that damned woman had got to and if she had anything to do with it.
You can never be too sure there arent more assassins about.

 

[Abernovo]

Hey ratsy, congratulations on the thousandth!
Some good stuff here. I like the 'danced in the streets, with a blade'. Just chilling enough.

I don't want to repeat what others have said, so just a small note, and purely my opinion.

Music filled the room as the soft steps of dozens of couple’s synchronized movements pattered on the floor. Dean watched the happy, laughing couples as they swayed this way and that to the music. The dancing seemed to insinuate a slightly animalistic ritual between man and woman. This was all done in suits and gowns of course. He had always hated dancing, ever since he was a child. He was sure the emotion needed to enjoy such an activity was missing in him. He only danced in the streets, with a blade.

Dean motioned for a server to come over and got a refill on his wine. If he was going to be forced to watch this drivel he may as well do it half drunk. The music slowed, then stopped and the floor emptied out as a faster song started up; many of the couples were already flushed. Leaving his half full glass on the table, Dean walked over to the double doors leading to an outdoor balcony.

I wonder if you could take out some or all of the red highlighted sections above? Pacing is everything, especially in a short story. If he's an assassin, a snappy tempo might appeal to the reader, drawing them into his no-nonsense, no-frills personality. Just an idea, as I don't know many assassins.

The blue line was insightful into his cynicism, though. It set a very noir tone for me. I liked it, even if I do like dancing. The last line had a nice ring to it, as well.

I need a new profession; maybe one with less framing.

Good luck. Let us know how it gets on.

 

[Mouse]

Sorry can't crit as I'm just scoffing my breakfast before I go to work. Just nipping on to say that, actually, I think Ratsy's right and it is "couple's."

A 'couple' is more than one person anyway, so it's a plural. You wouldn't write, for example, "womens'." Because 'women' is already a plural. You'd do "women's."

Not 100% confident. (About 90% )

 

[The Judge]

Um... no. While you wouldn't say "There are lots of womens here" you could say "There are lots of couples here" since you're referring to the number of pairs, not the number of individual participants. So in full it would be "the synchronized movements of dozens of couples" not "of dozens of couple" -- hence the apostrophe comes after the "s" not before it. Having said that, I think it's very ungainly, particularly as an opening sentence when people are more likely to be put off, and you repeat "couples" in the very next line, ratsy, so I'd suggest you rearrange/reword it, anyway.

I can't add much to what's already been said -- for me it's a touch slow as a start for a short story, and I'd like it a good bit tighter, but a very useful first draft. Congrats on the 1000!

NB If this is meant to be real life English aristocracy, do make sure you know the difference between Lord Arthur Tremlon (likely the younger son of a Duke) and Arthur, Lord Tremlon (everyone else).

 

[Mouse]

Well there you go. I Googled it and everything (but it was then banging on about whether you see the couple as two idividuals or a unit and I was like )

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Congrats on the 1000th!


Music filled the room as the soft steps of dozens of couple’s synchronized movements pattered on the floor. Dean watched the happy, laughing couplesI'm with TJ, especially as you have the repeat here, I'd reorder the first sentence. as they swayed this way and thata tiny bit cliched? to the music. The dancing seemed to insinuate a slightly animalistic ritual between man and womanhow?. This was all done in suits and gowns of course. Hepet peeve -- any reason not to name him? had always hated dancing, ever since he was a child. He was sure the emotion needed to enjoy such an activity was missing in him. He only danced in the streets, with a blade.

Deanand this is part of the reason why -- is this the he of the above, or an observer. motioned for a server to come over and got a refill on his winethis is the sort of sentence I think you could make tighter: Dean motioned for a server, who came over and refilled his wine. . If he was going to be forced to watch this drivel he may as well do it half drunknice and voicey. The music slowed, then stopped and the floor emptied outdrop out, it sounds rather like the floor is going down the plughole... nice sf image though. as a faster song started upso why did it empty when another song was starting? especially a fast one that might get more people up?; many of the couples were already flushed. Leaving his half full glass on the table, Dean walked overdrop over? I think a quick edit for these sort of extra words would give you a nice tightness. to the double doors leading to an outdoor balcony.

Outside he lit a pipe and calmed as the tobacco hit his lungs. He feltsorry, another pet peeve -- try this without felt --A tap on his shoulder made him turn -- more active? a tap on his shoulder and he turned. A raven haired woman, wearing a red dressadd comma or take away the one before wearing? stood before him. She smiled at him, making his heart beat a little faster. He tried to never get distracted but he was a man after all and her dress was fitting quite tightly. She turned and bent her finger indicating he should follow her. Dean had been invited to this gala anonymously, which given his profession was not uncommon so he had been waiting for contact.Nice intrigue. I think I'd have been happy with this being a little closer.

He followed her inside and then through the kitchen where he accidentally walked into a server, spilling a drink on the floordoes this add anything? . After a hasty apology he quickened his pace into a room where guest coats had been hung. Dean lost sight of the woman in red at the same time he heard a cacophony of screams coming from the ballroom. He took a quick glance through the jackets but could see the mystery woman nowhere. How's he feeling here? Is the heart pumping? Ready for action? Or on guard, careful. It could tell us a lot about him.

He followed the shouting into the candle-lit ballroom. The music had ceased and everyone was standing around the head table. Dean slunk through the people, softly shouldering his way in to see what had happened. There sat Lord Arthur Tremlon, the host of this event, face first inon the table. There appeared to be no body wounds so poison would be the culprit more than likelyseems a very big jump. He could have had a heart attack. Or the wound could be where it couldn't be seen, given how he's sitting. . Dean could feel his stomach dropagain -- Dean's stomach dropped as he... brings us closer? Ursa calls them veil words.. as he realized he was probably the only assassin invited to the gala. I need a new profession; maybe one with less framing.lovely last line. [/QUOTE]

I thought this was a nice set up and one that had me intrigued. As others have said, a bit more urgency/tightening would make it more engaging, I think.

 

[ratsy]

Thanks everyone. Like I said, this was just something I had sitting around and wanted to post quickly for the 1000 post (or 1001) I hadn't spent much time critiquing it myself and you guys have given me some great points which is always appreciated.

The fact that anyone would read on with anything I write is good motivation!

Springs, the line of spilling is needed..but I may edit it to have Dean tell the server he is a clumsy fool or something...it is supposed to happen so Dean is remembered in the kitchen.. (so they can pin the poisoning on him)

On the last part I have changed to show him turning blue...I will revise the whole scene soon and repost to see if it makes more sense and I will try to "tighten" it.

 

[ratsy]

Ok, so thanks for the feeback. I think I have cleaned it up a bit and tightened it as well. Maybe let me know if this works a little better?




Music filled the room as the soft steps of the dancers synchronized movements pattered across the floor. Dean watched the happy, laughing couples as they swayed this way and that to the song. The dancing seemed to insinuate a subtle animalistic ritual between man and woman, all done in suits and gowns of course. He had always hated dancing, ever since he was a child and was sure the emotion needed to enjoy such an activity was missing in him. He only danced in the streets, with a blade.

A server came over to his table and dropped off the wine Dean had ordered. If he was going to be forced to watch this drivel he may as well do it half drunk. The music slowed, then stopped and the people sauntered off the floor as a faster song started up; many of the couples were already flushed. Leaving his half full glass on the table, Dean walked to the double doors that lead to a balcony.

Outside he lit a pipe and calmed as the tobacco hit his lungs. A gentle tap on his shoulder made him turn to see a raven haired woman, wearing a black dress. She smiled at him, making his heart beat a little faster. He tried to never get distracted but he was a man after all and her dress was fitting quite tightly. She turned and bent her finger indicating he should follow her. Dean had been invited to this gala anonymously, which given his profession was not uncommon, so he had been waiting for contact.

Together they moved from the balcony, her in front of him. They made their way through the kitchen where a clumsy server collided with Dean nearly spilling a drink on him. After a hasty apology from the man he quickened his pace into a room where guest coats had been hung. Dean lost sight of the woman in black at the same time he heard a cacophony of screams coming from the ballroom. He took a quick glance through the jackets but could not see the mystery woman anywhere. Story of my life.

He followed the shouting into the candle-lit ballroom. The music had ceased and everyone was standing around the head table. Dean moved through the people, softly shouldering his way in to see what had happened. There sat Lord Arthur Tremlon, the host of this event, tongue hanging out on the table. His face had turned a dark blue so he could have choked on something but something told Dean that was not the case. His stomach dropped as he realized he was probably the only assassin invited to the gala. I need a new profession; maybe one with less framing.

 

[hopewrites]

Nice. "Was fitting" was the only place i felt it stumble. I'd've probably said "but her gown hugged her form like a boa"
"fit tight" or "was tightly fitted" would probably be what you're after. But you're welcome to the boa line if you want it

 

[Perpetual Man]

I enjoyed it and would have happily read more.

With all the time I put in doing the comments on the challenges I don't really have the time to critique everything like I would like, however as I am the one who pointed the 1000 post thing out to Ratsy, I thought I ought to at least look at it.

And I liked what I saw.

 

[ratsy]

Thanks gang, I am glad you liked the into. Perp thanks for reminding me about posting...it's been a while since I posted in the Critiques!

Hope I may change that line but I am not sure if Boa is in my vocabulary! lol

 

[Bowler1]

It's an interesting narrative and I'd read on as well. I don't have anything more that's not already been raised so well done, 1k posts - well done again!