Advice sought on opening of Corn Dolly

[Phyrebrat]

Hi all,

I'll understand if this is a case of TL;DR

I couldn’t decide on rewriting my long-short that I did for Mouse in the Sekrit Santa (it ended up over 16k and that was after quite a few plot cuts), as a novel length story so I’ve decided to go back to my WIP which had stalled because of opening.

I don’t know if this is suitable for the critique section as what I'm after is feedback and a general sense of preference for the opening of my current WIP, as I have stumbled. It’s nothing big, and I may be second-guessing myself, but I know my fellow chronners here will be able to give me some perspective. I don’t normally have a problem with openings but….

A bit of preamble (sorry):

So Corn Dolly is a novel set in Wiltshire (based on Alton Barnes), about village folklore and crop circles, the old vs. the new as civilisation encroaches on the beautiful hamlet of Alton Barnes (renamed Candlewick). The MC is a twenty something girl (fulfilling the archetype role of the maiden) who is the reluctant focus of an ancient ritual that ensures the wheat thrives and harvests are good but she wants to break out (it is an inherited role). She meets a crop circle hoaxer (the Fool) and her relationship with him liberates her (it’s a bit Blair Witch, Signs, and Wicker Man).

Anyway, the opening is causing me distress as I just don’t think it’s hooky enough. Essentially the village sage/witch (the hag) has demanded of this girl to bring her the fingers of a child (don’t ask) and she needs to wrestle with her conscience on this. She is essentially the ‘goody’ and I need her to start the story committing this awful act where she abducts a child and takes him to the sage. Then she has to deal with the consequences of what she thinks she has done.

These are my options:

1) She comes across a lost child at a crossroads before the village waiting for his parents. Their car is there but they are not. She ignores him, tells him he’ll be fine and walks off. As she turns back he has vanished. There is an oblique reference to strange lights in the field. (has the witch taken him, have the ‘lights’ taken him, has he run off? I want it unanswered) then wrestles with what she’s (not) done (he is reported missing in the press a few days later).


2) She comes across the child as above and takes him to the witch, then wrestles with what she’s done.

The problem is this. I have written the opening in such a way that she is deciding to leave the village, spliced with her meeting the witch that afternoon. It just seems so mundane, and beginning-y.

I tweaked it with an internal thought that will occur after the meeting with the witch but it still seems a little wrong.

****

Kill a child. How could she? An innocent!


‘Come in, dear, it’s open.’

Rosemary hesitated outside the small blue door. She hadn’t even knocked; how did that dreadful woman know she was outside? On the walk up through Nagle’s Copse to the sage’s cottage she had rehearsed the conversation over and over. She would be quite clear. She was very sorry but she could no longer perform the duties: she was planning on moving; she was too old now; or she had met someone.

Something like that. But the voice that came from behind the door sapped her resolve. It was secretive, mocking and conspiratorial. Nasty.

****

I’ve written quite a lot and I have the story clear in my head, but I need to feel excited by the opening or my motivation to write really falls off and I’ll end up on my PS3 or something… Do I take option 1 or option 2, and is the Kill-a-child bit enough of a (nasty) hook?

Any ideas? I hope this makes sense. If not, I can post in critiques but I'm reluctant to do so as I’ve not been contributing in critiques much for months and besides, I know it needs a reboot anyway; I just can’t decide how!!!

Thanks

pH

 

[Mouse]

Re: Advice sought on opening of Corn Dolly - (not strictly a critique)

How about get on with it and worry about changing the beginning later? Seriously. Stop stressing.

Also, yes, most definitely make my Santa story a novel. Immediately.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Re: Advice sought on opening of Corn Dolly - (not strictly a critique)

I prefer opening two. It creates suspense right away, as well as a feeling of guilt within the protagonist.

I can't say that I care for the "kill child" opening. In my opinion, this is trying too hard to grab the reader's attention. The rest of the opening without this creates enough tension and conflict and suspense without it.

I think you're worrying about a problem that you don't have.

 

[The Judge]

Re: Advice sought on opening of Corn Dolly - (not strictly a critique)

Phyrebrat -- I think you're right in saying it's not really something for Critiques, so I'll move it over to GWD. After that, I'll come back and have a think about it.

PS I tweaked the title, too!


EDIT: OK, first I love the idea of the ancient ritual and Dorset meets Wicker Man, and the title of Corn Dolly is a clever one (though Candlewick as the name of the village doesn't do anything for me to be honest -- I'd rather something that didn't remind me of both a children's TV programme and a bedspread!)

I know you don't want to give spoilers, but if she takes the child to the witchy woman, does the child actually get hurt? I wouldn't be at all comfortable with someone who sacrificed a child's well-being, let alone a child's life, simply for personal gain no matter how pressing (unless it also involved life and death for others, perhaps), so if the child is hurt you'd have to do an awful lot to get me to sympathise with a rather selfish, if not positively evil, woman. That's not to say it can't be done, and it does make for a dramatic beginning, but it does mean you're starting off on the back foot with anyone who thinks like me. (Though there may be precious few of those...)

On the other hand, the first option seems very lacking in oomph -- leaving a child who then disappears makes her somewhat passive.

Is there a third option? Could you have her taking active steps to try to protect a child, but without realising she is actually helping the witchy-woman?

As for the opening, I'd personally start with her hearing the news of the missing child, rather than the meeting with the hag. I agree with Victoria, though, that the first line isn't helping -- not least as I can't believe anyone would actually debate the issue internally as seems to be suggested by it.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Could she come across the child as in the first option, and when she tries to help the child, he disappears (because the witch has taken him, but we might not know that yet)? The witch thinks she was bringing the child to her for the killing, but she knows she was trying to help the child.

That would give us the sympathy for her as MC/maiden, where either ignoring the child or taking him to be killed would not.

 

[Grinnel]

You might be able to build both sympathy and drama if the witch had some sort of magical control over her and forced her to take the child against her will-her body dragging a struggling child as her mind fights against it.

Also keep in mind that the sacrifice of a virgin implies innocence, and once someone has deliberately assisted in harming a child that innocence is gone, and the sacrifice is null and void. (Would a unicorn hang out with someone who was a virgin but also a murderer? Perhaps an interesting short story somewhere else.)

 

[Warren_Paul]

1) She comes across a lost child at a crossroads before the village waiting for his parents. Their car is there but they are not. She ignores him, tells him he’ll be fine and walks off. As she turns back he has vanished. There is an oblique reference to strange lights in the field. (has the witch taken him, have the ‘lights’ taken him, has he run off? I want it unanswered) then wrestles with what she’s (not) done (he is reported missing in the press a few days later).

I'm sold on this.

Taking the child to the witch doesn't have the same hook appeal to me as the protagonist running into the boy all by himself, the mystery of he missing parents, the lights in the field. It sounds so much more potential than the witch idea.

It does need a little bit more to it though, and I think the suggestions of making her attempt to save him in some way are the right choice.

I would suggest that she does try to help the boy, but is distracted by the lights in the field, and when she returns her attention to him, the boy is gone.

 

[BetaWolf]

I have a story in the works that involves a foundling, though I don't have the exact details down yet. But my MC ends up raising the foundling as his own, instead of the child disappearing.

I'm not so sure about the witch angle. I might have misunderstood, but is the MC somehow tied to the witch or is she just following her own subconscious (or something) to the witch's house?

I tend to like stories that are about the relationship, as that immediately sets things up. You don't have to answer many of the details right away, but a lot of fantasy/SF stories are based on mysterious parentage (even if it's a mystery mostly to the audience)--Harry Potter, the Dresden Files, Defiance (on Syfy channel) all have unresolved issues of parentage or origin as a central issue one way or another. So whatever you have in mind, whether extraterrestrials, faeries, or something more mundane, it is a strong theme that resonates with a lot of different demographics.

But by all means, write, write, write!

 

[Phyrebrat]

I love this place!

Was hoping to reply to all this great advice sooner than this but this bl8dy summer school I foolishly agreed to teach at the RAD was a seriously bad idea and I have been unable to get online till now.

How about get on with it and worry about changing the beginning later? Seriously. Stop stressing.

Also, yes, most definitely make my Santa story a novel. Immediately.

I know, I know, I know what you're saying. I just needed to get it straight in my mind. On the other... your encouragement has made me decide to novel-ise Tall Man. Thanks Mouse. A lot.

I prefer opening two. It creates suspense right away, as well as a feeling of guilt within the protagonist.

I can't say that I care for the "kill child" opening. In my opinion, this is trying too hard to grab the reader's attention. The rest of the opening without this creates enough tension and conflict and suspense without it.

I think you're worrying about a problem that you don't have.

Thanks Victoria, I was never intending for the child to die; it's more an internal dialogue (and he turns up at the end - that's not much of a spoiler btw as it is more a case of triangulation that things have 'changed' in the village). And as Mouse and you have said, I am probably worrying over silly things.

EDIT: OK, first I love the idea of the ancient ritual and Dorset meets Wicker Man, and the title of Corn Dolly is a clever one (though Candlewick as the name of the village doesn't do anything for me to be honest -- I'd rather something that didn't remind me of both a children's TV programme and a bedspread!)

I know you don't want to give spoilers, but if she takes the child to the witchy woman, does the child actually get hurt? I wouldn't be at all comfortable with someone who sacrificed a child's well-being, let alone a child's life, simply for personal gain no matter how pressing (unless it also involved life and death for others, perhaps), so if the child is hurt you'd have to do an awful lot to get me to sympathise with a rather selfish, if not positively evil, woman. That's not to say it can't be done, and it does make for a dramatic beginning, but it does mean you're starting off on the back foot with anyone who thinks like me. (Though there may be precious few of those...)

On the other hand, the first option seems very lacking in oomph -- leaving a child who then disappears makes her somewhat passive.

Is there a third option? Could you have her taking active steps to try to protect a child, but without realising she is actually helping the witchy-woman?

As for the opening, I'd personally start with her hearing the news of the missing child, rather than the meeting with the hag. I agree with Victoria, though, that the first line isn't helping -- not least as I can't believe anyone would actually debate the issue internally as seems to be suggested by it.

Maybe I should have posted it in Critiques as I may have confused people with my waffle about killing a child. But it's an early draft so I didn't want to waste anyone's time who took time to point out grammar/narrative issues. In any case, I'm not worried about giving spoilers - quite endearing that they may be thought of as such!

The child is not killed - I don't think my fingers could make those sentences on a keyboard. There is a back story to Rose (the MC) regarding the death of her older sister who had the original role that she has - The Maiden of Tears - and the child Rose encounters is a trigger for that memory causing her to act irrationally and almost debilitates her throughout the story because of her perceived guilt or complicity.

I'm undecided about Candlewick, too. I wanted it to be Cambrick because this story kind of came about through Simon and Garfunkel's counterpoint verses in Scarborough Fayre (characters are Rose(mary), Persil, the Sage, and Tim, along with a supernatural mob of crop-damaging spirits called The Scarlet Battalion). I'll have a think on the name....

I really like the idea of the tragedy/irony of her actions bringing about the witch's desired result.

Could she come across the child as in the first option, and when she tries to help the child, he disappears (because the witch has taken him, but we might not know that yet)? The witch thinks she was bringing the child to her for the killing, but she knows she was trying to help the child.

That would give us the sympathy for her as MC/maiden, where either ignoring the child or taking him to be killed would not.

Thanks, I like this idea a lot, too TDZ. I'm going to think about this and TJ's suggestion of accidental complicity. Seems more interesting to me.

You might be able to build both sympathy and drama if the witch had some sort of magical control over her and forced her to take the child against her will-her body dragging a struggling child as her mind fights against it.

Also keep in mind that the sacrifice of a virgin implies innocence, and once someone has deliberately assisted in harming a child that innocence is gone, and the sacrifice is null and void. (Would a unicorn hang out with someone who was a virgin but also a murderer? Perhaps an interesting short story somewhere else.)

Thanks, Grinnel. I like the image of her wrestling with her ethics as she is dragging a child but I can't see her actually becoming actively involved in this. It was always going to be she was going to lure the child in some way if I went in that direction. As TJ & TDZ say, it's going to be hard to foster an audience that roots for Rose when she's been so wicked.

I'm sold on this.

Taking the child to the witch doesn't have the same hook appeal to me as the protagonist running into the boy all by himself, the mystery of he missing parents, the lights in the field. It sounds so much more potential than the witch idea.

It does need a little bit more to it though, and I think the suggestions of making her attempt to save him in some way are the right choice.

I would suggest that she does try to help the boy, but is distracted by the lights in the field, and when she returns her attention to him, the boy is gone.

Argggghh. Another take on it! Thanks Warren_Paul. I'm going to factor this in my musings, too.

I have a story in the works that involves a foundling, though I don't have the exact details down yet. But my MC ends up raising the foundling as his own, instead of the child disappearing.

I'm not so sure about the witch angle. I might have misunderstood, but is the MC somehow tied to the witch or is she just following her own subconscious (or something) to the witch's house?

I tend to like stories that are about the relationship, as that immediately sets things up. You don't have to answer many of the details right away, but a lot of fantasy/SF stories are based on mysterious parentage (even if it's a mystery mostly to the audience)--Harry Potter, the Dresden Files, Defiance (on Syfy channel) all have unresolved issues of parentage or origin as a central issue one way or another. So whatever you have in mind, whether extraterrestrials, faeries, or something more mundane, it is a strong theme that resonates with a lot of different demographics.

But by all means, write, write, write!

Yeah, I did waffle and confuse the matter, didn't I: She is going to the witch to 'resign' as the Maiden of Tears but the witch is horrible and her resolve falters. She makes her way home, despondent and comes across the boy. The thing is this: when I say witch, I mean witch in terms of Wicca and pagan practices; more Weird Sisters from Macbeth than Harry Potter.

I think what I have done is muddled myself by trying to contrive a hooky ending as Victoria Silverwolf implied and ended up tripping myself up.

Thanks guys, your help as ever has been invaluable and given me perspective and encouragement. If you don't mind, I'll let you know what I decided on

pH

p.s if this doesn't make sense, please forgive me. I've been teaching 6 x 1 hour intense African dance classes one after the other today and I can barely walk and breathe at the same time now, let alone type a coherent sentence

 

[Grinnel]

"Thanks, Grinnel. I like the image of her wrestling with her ethics as she is dragging a child but I can't see her actually becoming actively involved in this. "

My thought was not that she was wrestling her ethics, but herself. The witch has a way of controlling her body puppet-like and making her kidnap the child. She is horrified that she physically cannot stop herself from kidnapping the child. Thus she commits the act but is innocent of the crime. She would still never forgive herself.

 

[The Judge]

I'm undecided about Candlewick, too. I wanted it to be Cambrick because this story kind of came about through Simon and Garfunkel's counterpoint verses in Scarborough Fayre (characters are Rose(mary), Persil, the Sage, and Tim, along with a supernatural mob of crop-damaging spirits called The Scarlet Battalion). I'll have a think on the name....

I like Cambrick better, though my first thought was of the material.** I'd think again about Persil, though, unless it's a nickname because he's whiter than white... I do know my French, but my first thought was washing powder and I can't believe I'm the only one! If it helps, parsley (who is, of course, a lion***) apparently comes to us from the Old English petersilie and Old French peresil -- the latter certainly would seem a good name handed down for generations in a yokel village.


** I just checked the folk song and seen that it is a cambric shirt, so definitely go with it!

*** I bet you're too young to know him, though.


NB Dancing in this heat?! You're either dedicated or a nut case!

 

[Phyrebrat]

I like Cambrick better, though my first thought was of the material.** I'd think again about Persil, though, unless it's a nickname because he's whiter than white... I do know my French, but my first thought was washing powder and I can't believe I'm the only one! If it helps, parsley (who is, of course, a lion***) apparently comes to us from the Old English petersilie and Old French peresil -- the latter certainly would seem a good name handed down for generations in a yokel village.


** I just checked the folk song and seen that it is a cambric shirt, so definitely go with it!

*** I bet you're too young to know him, though.


NB Dancing in this heat?! You're either dedicated or a nut case!

Okay I will stick with Cambrick - I just wanted something that sounded a little more sleepy and the 'k' I felt I had to add made it seem (visually) harsh. I didn't know about 'peresil' which is great!! I will change Persil - how do you want royalties paid? (btw, Persil is a character from the village's history 300 years prior)

And yes I remember The Herbs! One of my favourite Christmas presents was a set of chocolates in the shape of the characters. But I am 41 . As far as dancing goes.... Yes... It is hell on toast. I'm in the top studio with no AC, and skylights that act like greenhouses! (greenhice?) and 21 students per class. I can't believe the RAD don't have AC!

Thanks again TJ.

pH