Writers block and confusion

[RightersBlock]

Hi I'm new here, couldn't name myself WritersBlock so I had to improvise.

Anyway been suffering with what I think is writers block for many years. I'd say at least 4 - 3 years.

Anyway a little bit of history: I started writing very early, I remember y first story was about a family about octopuses. Later on instead of writing original stories I just did complete copy cats of whatever I was obsessed with at the time. The last copycat I made was of Star Wars prequels I think or Harry Potter. And no I never attempted to publish any of these. Finally I started writing original stories again, short stories and not novels. I started sending them out too but got rejected for 2 years straight. Then a little later I became obsessed with Stephen King and tried to copy his writing style a bit, hoping that it would be more acceptable. Did this for a while and got one story published and another (that was written in my own writing style) almost published but then the publisher fell through.

Writing started to become less and less interesting and was/is rather frustrating and exhaustive. Also all of my old works are written on paper, and feel like typing stuff on the computer seriously kills my creativity. So I became obsessed with anime & manga and tried to copy that too but then I decided writing wasn't going to cut it so I started drawing and I still am today but not so feverishly since the obsession has faded.

Now that I am left with nothing to obsess over I can't write, draw or do anything creative! I still have a few lingering obsessions that come up every now and then. I thought writing fan fiction would do something but nah. I think copy catting other peoples work is the only way I know how to express my love for it, while playing on an inferiority complex of mine that my writing will not be good enough so I try to be like someone else.

I'm a grown man (23 going on 24) but I still have the issues of a teenager.

Ok so yeah, despite not having anything to be in love with my mind is ripe with ideas. At the moment I don't want to deny my copy cat urges but instead want to write a love letter ( so to speak) to all of the things that I have ever been obsessed with. BUT it seems without being obsessed with something currently I have no energy to write or do anything. The only thing I can do is draw pictures of my expys but that isn't cutting it. I have so much ideas and desires that I want expresses that I feel like i will constant burst if I don't get them out. However each time I sit down at a key board or with a piece of paper in my hand NOTHING comes out. I mean maybe I can get one page out but it is usually extremely drab and I feel exhausted and strained after writing it out.

Now I suspect that this is the infamous writers block and I think its because I can only create after copying.

Kinda lost now after all of that writing, i can sure complain a lot thats for sure.

usually when I copy something it will be very similar at first but the more I come back to it the more it will be changed and updated with my current obsessions.

I think another reason for my writers block is my current mental state. I've been depressed ever since 2009 and rather agoraphobic. Now I remember that I used to take long walks as a teen and ideas would just come to me. Now that i'm rather anxious about going outside and dealing with people I don't go out much. I also live with people that make me feel frightened, tense and anxious almost all of the time and I can't secure work because no one wants to hire me due to physical reasons that i only realized in 2009. Before 2009 I was outgoing, super confident, at ease with myself and happy with my creations. After 2009 I was/am very ill at ease with myself, not confident in the least and very unhappy with most of my creations and doubtful if I have any talent.

I'm really trying hard to resist my old negative copy cat urges and trying to make people adore me though my writings. I constantly second guess myself now because I never no what my own intentions are; for example I don't and do want to make a female hero; I do because I haven't written a female hero in a long time (when I was kid the only thing i usually made were girl heroes) while I don't simply because I want to write a male hero aswell; however i second guess that and wonder if i feel so resistant because male heroes are more popular/mainstream which might grant me an easier pathway to success and adoration. Gah, this kind of stupidity is endless within my mind.

The place i'm forced to live in (due to monetary reasons) isn't very inspiring anyway. Crime ridden, ugly, dirty and depressing. I get blasted to kingdom come every morning with a neighbors loud rap music. Or whatever sort of music that is.

The other, and last thing (maybe?) is that I have so many ideas that I can't figure out what direction I want to go on: Not gonna lie, I like the simple good vs. evil type of stories, but I kind of want to branch out and try something new. Like a multi-POV story with flawed heroes and shady villains (something like I Claudius or GOT). The problem is this conflicts with my desire to make a good vs. evil type of story. As said in the title i'm all around confused as what to do. Due to my recent experiences with charismatic but "bad" people I am more inclined to write something with a multi POV and all the characters are evil in one way or another BUT I don't have enough creativity to make more than one "hero" (I usually only like a story with a super human "special" hero, you know like Harry Potter or Star Wars.) and I find it extremely difficult to write about just regular human beings without super powers, thanks to my obsession with comic books. Hell trying to find a good meaningful name for the main hero is like a very stressful event :<

Also the fact that I don't know that much and have to google constantly kills my writing and makes me doubt the credibility of what I'm writing; like i'd be writing some fantasy story and i want to make up a law in the fantasy world that would move the plot along but when i re read it is stupid as hell but I know that I do not have the mental smarts or capacity to write anything better. I have some sort of mental condition I guess so my mind wonders and I have a hard time understanding simple things. So my works come off as something i child or just a nitwit wrote because I just don't understand or remember basic things that any adult should know. Doesn't help due to my agoraphobia ( and smothering handheld childhood) that I have very few experiences to draw from. For example I still don't know hot to drive, swim, ride a bike and I have never gotten into a taxi cab by my self or been out later than 8 oclock. And as I said I have no working (or volunteering experience). Most of my childhood was lost in fantasy world and just taking long walks around the city.

Perfectionism comes to play alot too D; Its one of the few solid things I know is an actual problem and not me just being confused or second guessing myself.

Trying to figure out what genre this book is going to be in is a chore in it self since i don't know too much. I have no idea what I am supposebed to be in this world but I do know that I do want to tell stories and get all my inspirations out.

I only got back into writing when I started reading my old StarWars/LOTR/24/X-Files/Heroes potpourri book (This book only had certain themes but no direct rip offs) and I realized it was freaking entertaining beyond anything I had read around that time and how much I missed my old fast paced action writing style instead of my new overly descriptive "Kingesque" style. I want to revisit the fun of writing (my own way) again, and get into my own fantasy world and characters like i used to but I have been unable to due to all these ^ blocks. D;

Well that's it, I've written enough. I think I just wanted to rant more than ask for help, since I feel like no one would be bale to help me quell all these irritating little voices in my head.

Thanks for reading (if you did).

edit: Also I have a dual sided nature: one is a good side which is deep into his created fantasy land while the other is a bad side to me, one who is detached and and not very creative and attempts to look at his work as how he thinks others might and is highly critical, derisive and edits out unique original content so that his book will be well received and loved by the "masses" he thinks exists and so it can "compete" against well established writers." The bad side usually appears after the good side has reigned for a while ; I have enjoyed myself and like what I have created.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

I think another reason for my writers block is my current mental state. I've been depressed ever since 2009 and rather agoraphobic. Now I remember that I used to take long walks as a teen and ideas would just come to me. Now that i'm rather anxious about going outside and dealing with people I don't go out much. I also live with people that make me feel frightened, tense and anxious almost all of the time and I can't secure work because no one wants to hire me due to physical reasons that i only realized in 2009. Before 2009 I was outgoing, super confident, at ease with myself and happy with my creations. After 2009 I was/am very ill at ease with myself, not confident in the least and very unhappy with most of my creations and doubtful if I have any talent.

Based on my experience, I'd say that's the problem, and everything else about copying etc. is just distracting you from the real issue. When the flame is burning, nothing will stop you -- rap music, lack of time, none of it will matter, and you will find time to write. When you are blocked, any little thing can get in the way. There doesn't have to be any obstacle. Lack of concentration can stop you all on its own.

I believe that Writer's Block -- the kind that goes on and on and can't be cured by cute tricks, or by simple willpower, or just getting on with it, no matter what people who have never really suffered from it will tell you -- is a symptom, not a disease. That's where people get mixed up; they think they can cure the symptom without understanding there is an underlying cause that needs to be cured. Usually the disease is depression, but I can see how anxiety and agoraphobia could factor in (and for some people there may by physical causes).

So take care of yourself first. Do everything you can to get better, mentally, physically, wherever the problem lies. (I know that sometimes actually getting well may be a long, long road, so concentrate for now on just feeling better than you do now.)

Don't listen to people who say that you are just being lazy, or trying to get attention, or making excuses.

 

[RightersBlock]

Thank you for the reply Teresa Edgerton, though I hoped to get more than one reply. But I think you could be right. I also have to get my brain back where it was, I have had a lot of decay lately and don't seem to know or understand much of anything. *sigh* I have a long road ahead of me.

 

[The Judge]

I think perhaps the reason you've only had the one reply is that it's very difficult to know where to start when there appears to be such a number of issues which need to be addressed.

Firstly, I'd echo Teresa's excellent advice, which is that first and foremost you have to recover your health. How to do that is something no one here can really help with -- we are immensely supportive of members who have depressive or anxiety conditions, but you need to speak to medically qualified people to help you through this. I also strongly believe you need to be around people who support and love you and as far away as possible from those who make you frightened and tense. Only you can say whether that's feasible. I don't know if you have the equivalent of Citizens Advice Bureaux in California, where people can advise you on your legal rights, but that might be something for you to consider so you can get help.

You're right in thinking that the more experiences one has, the easier it is to create truthful situations in a novel, so you may well be starting at a disadvantage in certain respects. However, you are lucky enough to be living in a time when information is virtually unlimited and easily obtained thanks to the internet, so if you need to find out how something feels, you can be sure someone somewhere has written about it. If you can broaden your life experiences that would be best, but it's still possible to write from, for example, the perspective of a mother without having children oneself -- research will help you but an ability to empathise is the key.

As for perfectionism and a tendency to second-guess yourself over plots and characters, as well as a critical other side which does nothing but ridicule your work, many of us suffer from similar problems. The inner critic might never go away, but you can learn to work around the insidious voice and ignore it as far as possible especially as you learn more and you get helpful critiques of your work.

Many people have written fan-fic, and some have used it as a springboard for their own writing; many others have written -- deliberately or otherwise -- in the style of a favourite author. In my opinion it's a step towards finding your own voice. How to stop yourself writing like others, or how to write original work which isn't derivative, is a harder matter perhaps, but you're still very young, so perhaps you should cut yourself some slack. Just write what you can, when you can. Don't worry if it's good, bad or indifferent.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

The place i'm forced to live in (due to monetary reasons) isn't very inspiring anyway. Crime ridden, ugly, dirty and depressing.

I should have responded to this part before, because it does relate to my own experience.

Back when I was writing what was to become my first trilogy, I lived in a neighborhood that was ugly, dirty, depressing, and where I didn't feel entirely safe. I was the mother of four young children, which took a lot of my time and energy (also a lot of stress worrying about them because of our situation), and money was always a big issue. There were periods of self-doubt, periods when I couldn't write -- writers block was an issue for me even then, though it would go on for months then instead of years -- but still in between I managed to get a lot of writing done, no matter what my other issues were. Which is why I said, when the flame is burning, the rest doesn't matter.

Now I live in very different conditions. Money is still an issue, and probably always will be, and I have health issues, too, which I expect will only get worse now than I'm in my sixties. But the environment is much improved, and yet for years now it has been a struggle to write. And when you say, I mean maybe I can get one page out but it is usually extremely drab and I feel exhausted and strained after writing it out. that's exactly how I feel so much of the time when I try to write. I've had clinical depression for many years now, and it coincides with the period when writing is so hard, and the more I slide into the depression the harder it is to even get to the keyboard.

Also the fact that I don't know that much and have to google constantly kills my writing and makes me doubt the credibility of what I'm writing

Google is a bad way to research. You can never trust the information you get that way (because anyone can write anything on the internet whether they know what they are talking about or not). If you feel you don't know enough about the world, read and read and read and read, on every subject that interests you or you think might interest you. And don't just research what you want to write about now. Research for all the books you may ever want to write, because you never know when some bit of information may come in handy. That's why I say to read about all the subjects that interest you. And of course read a lot of fiction, along with the non-fiction.

I know money is an issue for you, and also agoraphobia, which makes going to the library hard, but if you can force yourself to do it every few weeks and come home with an armload of interesting books, then do it. If your library lets you renew books online (which most do these days), then you only need to go to the library every couple of months. And if you can afford to buy books at all, there are online bookstores, of course.

As TJ says, you are still young. If you feel that you are ignorant and it impacts your writing, you have many, many years to build up your knowledge base. Also, research is a good way to spark new, more original ideas.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

A bit like The Judge, I read your original post and didn't know where to begin. I was worried about saying the wrong thing and making things worse - your health problems go way beyond what I would have any comprehension of how to help. But I send all my best wishes and hope it works out for you.

You know, the other thing - the research. You have an experience so few people would understand - could you use that as a basis for a story? A second world in someone's mind, who can't face their own world, or something? I think there's room for something unique in there.

 

[Dozmonic]

As with others, there's a lot to respond to. You want help with your problems? The answers people give will be specific to their own experiences, not yours. You think you're an adult with the issues of a teenager? That's the norm.

There's a quote by Tim Ferriss that I think applies:
“For all of the most important things, the timing always sucks. Waiting for a good time to quit your job? The stars will never align and the traffic lights of life will never all be green at the same time. The universe doesn't conspire against you, but it doesn't go out of its way to line up the pins either. Conditions are never perfect. "Someday" is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. Pro and con lists are just as bad. If it's important to you and you want to do it "eventually," just do it and correct course along the way."

Take stock of where you are, decide what you want to improve, work your way forward and leave the excuses at the first step. Stumble as much as you must, because it's the only way anybody makes progress.

 

[Abernovo]

I'd echo what other have said above. Those voices are a pain in the proverbial, and lots (most?) of us have some experience of them to some extent or another.

Do your research. This site can be a good place to ask questions. Not necessarily for answers always, but for sources. It's also good for mixing with like minds, which can help to stimulate the creative juices in a productive way.

Then you can 'write what you know', which to me really means writing from your perspective. You have had experiences and made observations of people and events, so you can bring them to bear. How would you react to X? How would the annoying neighbour playing music at two in the morning react?

Best of luck.

 

[J Riff]

24 is young for a writer. Everything you have written is of value, its called gaining experience, or practice, or learning the art of writing. Keep working and you will get to where you want to be.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I would echo a lot of what's been said above. You are, though an adult, still young, with plenty of time to sort out what kind of writing you want to do -- or to do all the kinds of writing you want to do. There's nothing that says you have to write one particular way and that's all you can do.

You do need to see about sorting out your health, as that seems to be the center of everything. However, many of your experiences could be good subjects for writing, and they are something that nobody else could write as well as you. It might be the way to break free of the copying, writing something that is well and truly your own. You live with it, you own it, you can write it, as yourself.

Why don't you try some of our writing Challenges, as a way to start writing something? We have a monthly 75-word story challenge, which will be starting again on the 1st -- in the meantime, voting is still open on the current month. We also have a quarterly 300-word story challenge, which is going this month and is open until the 31st. You can read the rules in the Writing Challenges section. Many people find the Challenges to be a good catalyst for ideas -- they got me going on writing all kinds of things again, after many years off. You don't have to worry about anyone saying anything negative, as criticism is not allowed unless it's positive -- and there's a lot of that kind around here.

 

[sknox]

I echo what the zebra with the dust on him said. There are writing challenges all over the place, and places where you can get feedback on what you've written. Many of these require no research at all, just a challenge to react to something or to describe something. There are also lots of challenges to write flash fiction, which is a good way to start to get into dialog and a bit of plotting.

Just write. Really. Write anything. Write everything. You are very young. You have time enough to write a million words or more in your life, even if you only write a hundred words a day. I wrote at that pace for a long time (I'm in my 60s). Over time, I found writing was good for me, like regular exercise. I can skip a day now and then, but it's really becoming part of who I am now. I'm very glad I kept up that snail's pace ... and trust me, most of those years were spent writing stuff that will never even get finished, much less be read by anyone else.

If you are out of ideas, or hate what you're writing, try the challenges. Not just here, but all over the place. Try a challenge at a mystery writing forum, or romance, or historical fiction. It's completely safe because hey, you're never going back there, right? It can be liberating.

 

[RightersBlock]

Thanks for the responses. I've learned that my block may also have something to do with me not following on my desires to write screenplays. Anyway, wrote a few (5?) pages of a kids book that I had an idea for a long time ago. Writing on paper helps me write a little more smoothly.

Thanks again!