Nudity involved not work friendly 230 words

[JoanDrake]

This is from a very vivid dream. The only thing I want to know is if it looks like it could be developed into a story.

If nudity is all verboten I apologize and promise not to do it again.



The naked girl walked out of the airport bathroom and straight into the entrance to the private planes area. She was blonde and, despite being short, willowy in structure. A few regular guards saw her but they were waved off by the ones with the red armbands. She continued over to the Grumman Gulfstar that commanded the area, mounted the steps and knocked on the door.

Another naked girl, a redhead of the same build, answered the door. She smiled, “Who are you? Are you a terrorist here to kill us?”

“Where would I have a weapon? I’ve heard you’re always naked when not on stage so I thought this would be a good way to get to see you.”

The redhead thought a minute and giggled, “Seems a lot of trouble just for an autograph, and where will I write it?”

“I don’t want an autograph, I want your help to get my boyfriend out of jail. He loves you and put mustard on the portrait of Hilaire Belocq in the museum in your honor.”

“Oh, they’re serious about Belocq here. You’re cute and your boyfriend sounds crazy, would you object to some polyamourous play?”

“No, in fact it’s all I could offer as a reward. We don’t have anything but ourselves.”

The redhead smiled, showing the shiniest teeth Amelia had ever seen, “Cute and crazy is enough, c’mon in.”

 

[Brian G Turner]

It's surreal and dream-like so it's impossible to tell if it would make a good story until you put the story into it.

 

[Mouse]

I like it. Nakedness, what's not to like? Go for it.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Interesting so far. Could lead to something.

I have to nitpick one thing.

She smiled, “Who are you? (etc.)"

and

(She) giggled, “Seems a lot of trouble (etc.)"

These should be:

She smiled. "Who are you?"

and

She giggled. "Seems a lot of trouble."

You can't really "smile" or "giggle" a statement. These are action words, not "said" words.

 

[alchemist]

You sucked me in with your promise of nudity.

Like Brian said, it's all a bit surreal and I have no idea what it's about. Hence it's hard to comment, but give us some more and it might be good. Just one thing: four incidences of THE in the first line stood out too much. And (okay, that's two) "hangar" might be a better, more specific, noun than "area."

 

[Bowler1]

Interesting, I’ll give you that. As a plot idea it has potential, there are a lot of questions to be answered as to why the first girl was able to pass through security with no documents, had me wondering a bit. More description is needed, but we take our inspiration where we find it and this is a seed that can grow. And I’m as shallow as all the rest, nudity does it for me too!

 

[HareBrain]

I'd certainly read on for a bit, but the story would be on notice to start making some kind of sense pretty soon.

Something about the dialogue read a little strangely (apart from the, er, strangeness). It reminded me a bit of the English subtitles you sometimes get with anime. I don't really know why. Maybe it just felt that what these people were expressing came from another culture.

 

[Mark R]

Something about the dialogue read a little strangely (apart from the, er, strangeness). It reminded me a bit of the English subtitles you sometimes get with anime. I don't really know why.

I got this same sense too, and the reason is because the dialogue is painfully weighed down with exposition.

To speak to what was requested by the OP, anything can be a story and I could be looking at a skeleton of the opening to the greatest story ever written, but nothing about it thus far has made me want to read on.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

A naked girl always gets the male reader's attention
Good opening half-line.
The premise reminds me of a recent Fathers For Justice painting-damaging stunt (and their three-word manifesto: "Me! Me! Me!")
If you persevere with this, it needs a bit of work on how the girl gets across the airport tarmac to the plane without being intercepted (maybe she whips off her robe at the last moment).
It could be a story but I think that would require a bit of work. I don't have a strong sense of wanting to read on.

 

[jastius]

why don't you ask DEO the possibilities? he is aussie airport security customs and so on. they would be the first ones to intercept.


( and she could be covered in a nitroglycerin gel solution that would ignite at the contact of a metal or something hidden in her hair, or encapsulated within her teeth. if she wanted to hide something, those prisoners in jails seem to manage.)

 

[Parson]

if she wanted to hide something, those prisoners in jails seem to manage.)

Let's not go there!

 

[David Evil Overlord]

Naked woman, you say?

If she's already passed through security, she wouldn't need to show her documents until she tried to board a plane.

Security people seeing her would react as people...some would just oogle...some would call their supervisor...some would worry that trying to grab her would be dragged through the courts as a sexual assault case...and some would worry about her mental health, and what else is she capable of if she thinks airport nudity is okay...

What are your security guards armed with, and what are the laws there? If they have guns, and shoot an unarmed, naked girl, what will happen to them? Do they have tasers or capsicum spray as non-lethal methods to take down this dangerous individual?

You might want to add some tourists with cameras (and disapproving wives/girlfriends).

P.S. spellcheck tried to turn tasers into teasers...

 

[BetaWolf]

Good editing, Victoria. I think that this is valid:

She giggled. "Seems a lot of trouble."

But not giggle or smile in the place of said.

 

[JoanDrake]

Thank you all very much. I do think I'll try to make something of it, though I don't know what. And please feel free with more, thanks very much.