First Chapter (Possibly Prologue)

[Tyburn]

This is either the first chapter or the prologue of my book, Space Captain Duncan Flight, R.S.N. in Perils of the Death Moon! I say either/or because if it's a little too short for a first chapter, I'll simply rename it the prologue and have Captain Flight's introduction as the actual first chapter. I decided to start each chapter with a quote from one of the characters, in order to give a little extra insight into said characters and situations.

The history of the situation revolves around one single point in history which is alluded to in chapter 2 - that Hitler decided not to go ahead with Operation Barbarossa and kept to his pact with the Soviet Union. As a result of not attacking Russia, he kept the war (and technological advances thereof) going at a more and more frantic pace until it headed out into space. By the 1960s continuum-warp was discovered and by the 1990s a series of treaties had to be created in order to prevent either side from using non-humans as allies or slaves (this is to explain why there are no alien races during the war, yet loads of them afterwards)

I'm writing it as a comedy parody of both Star Trek and Star Wars, with a strong WWII British war movie bent and a 'Golden Age' sci-fi slant, along with a little social satire along the way - a few digs at bureaucrats, student protestors and the infamous 'Chav' culture. The latter part will be more prevalent in the sequel - Return to Planet Asbo! (The exclamation mark is part of the title)

Anyway, enough of a preamble, on with the spacey-wacey...

CHAPTER ONE: Lt. Church hits a spot of bother.
​

Of course I ran. With what I had on me, it'd have been stupid not to. Oh but they're clever bastards these Space Nazis. The Bismarck had been lying in wait for me just off the shoulder of Orion, pounced on me like a cougar on an unsuspecting jackrabbit. They blew out my navicomp, I was leaking plasma from my starboard nacelle and the radio was stuck on Smooth Jazz. I tell you, I was lucky to get as far as I did. But then, when your name is Lieutenant James Octavius Church, luck doesn't have anything to do with it.
​

-Lieutenant James Octavius Church.

​

It had been a pretty bad day up until now and it was about to get a whole lot worse. Ignoring the damaged navigation computer's insistences that he should carry on straight for the next three hundred miles then turn left, lieutenant James Church shunted power from his battered space recon scoutship's wrecked engines into the aft shields. Hopefully it would give him a little more time, maybe not much but perhaps just enough to send out a distress call. Wafting aside a puff of smoke from the navigation computer as it finally gave up the ghost, he chanced a quick look at the rear-view scanner. They were still there, four Messerschmidt space superiority fighters in the stark crimson livery of Oberst Johann Von Richtoffen's nefarious Jagdegestaffen 23 - the Red Baron's Space Circus. No doubt the Baron was amongst them, overseeing the pursuit personally. A burst of scarlet lazer blasts streaked past the cockpit; warning shots. Church ignored them as he keyed the allied frequencies button on the spacecraft's broadband communicator. Slowly rolling his ship up onto the starboard wing, he began his SOS.
"Mayday, mayday," he said, regulating his voice with a cool calm self control that had become his trademark, "this is United States Space Navy reconnaisance vessel Slipshod requesting urgent assistance. I just got jumped by the Bismarck and she's dealt me a doozy. I'm badly damaged; shields are nearly gone, I'm leaking plasma from the starboard nacelle - my navicomp's out and the radio's stuck on Smooth Jazz." As if to make a point, the radio chimed in with an incomprehensible clarinet solo. "...if I don't make ground soon I'll be a goner for sure. Anyone who hears this, please send help." His mind swirling, he thought of his commanding officer, Rear Admiral Jack Bigwan, and as an aside added, "help me, Ol' Bigwan - you're my only hope." He shut off the communicator and returned his attention to the pursuing Messerschmidts. The one he had reasoned was the Baron loosed off a salvo which sparked off his failing aft shield, overloading the generator in the rear of the central cabin of his three-hulled craft. The generator exploded in an all-too-brief ball of flame, streaming smoke into the void. Damn, Church thought as he started flipping switches at random, hoping that one of them would help somehow. A quick well-placed fist to the top of the navigation computer had the small emerald screen popping into life again but for how long he didn't know.
"Computer, find me a bolt-hole and fast," he ordered urgently. There was a fizz and a crackle, a few tiny whirrs and an image swam into resolution on the screen.
"There is an habitable planet within current parameters. Course laid in." The computer spoke in a voice that someone in a research office had decided was soothing and gentle; as it was it just sounded intolerably smug. Church grabbed the warp actuator lever and yanked it back hard. For a moment, nothing happened save the crimson streaks of lazer fire blasting past the cockpit. Then with a sudden lurch the craft leapt forward, the stars themselves becoming needles of light. Church drew in a deep breath, preparing to breathe a sigh of relief. Which turned out to be a little premature as, as suddenly as it had entered warp, the craft dropped out with a shudder and a pop. Both engines coughed and died, eliciting a loud curse from the lieutenant. Muttering obscenities under his breath, he busied himself running a computer diagnostic. Then he looked up and his jaw dropped. A planet loomed large, an ominous fat rotating ball hanging in space in the exact place he wanted to go through. A few flicks and stabs at various controls told him all he needed to know; he had no control. "Computer, damage report." No answer. He tried again, a little louder, then slapped the top of the console. Finally, the smug voice piped up again.
"Damage control computers damaged. Damage assessment unavailable. Thank you for using United States Space Navy. Have a nice flight."
The small spaceship plunged into the upper atmosphere, the hull starting to glow a fierce cherry red. It was at that point that the already straining inertial compensators failed and, perhaps mercifully, lieutenant Church lost consciousness.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Just a few general observations.

I think the quote at the start gives away some of your jokes. (Like the one about Smooth Jazz.) If you really want to have this sort of thing at the start of each chapter (and this seems more like a chapter than a prologue) I would try to make it contain different jokes than the story itself.

For this kind of silly spoof, I think you might want to consider using much shorter paragraphs. A madcap satire like this has to move along very quickly and keep the reader giggling. Lots of short sentences, lots of quick dialogue, etc.

 

[Mark R]

CHAPTER ONE: Lt. Church hits a spot of bother.
​

Of course I ran. With what I had on me, it'd have been stupid not to. Oh but they're clever bastards these Space Nazis. The Bismarck had been lying in wait for me just off the shoulder of Orion, pounced on me like a cougar on an unsuspecting jackrabbit. They blew out my navicomp, I was leaking plasma from my starboard nacelle and the radio was stuck on Smooth Jazz. I tell you, I was lucky to get as far as I did. But then, when your name is Lieutenant James Octavius Church, luck doesn't have anything to do with it.
​

-Lieutenant James Octavius Church.​

Quite a nice opening and I like the Smooth Jazz joke. Yes it's a classic rule of three, yes it's very Red Dwarf, but it works. It got a smile.
​

​

It had been a pretty bad day up until now and it was about to get a whole lot worse.

This is the first sentence of your story and it's a cliche, you need to be doing something different, particularly in a comedic story.

Ignoring the damaged navigation computer's insistence that he should carry on straight for the next three hundred miles then turn left, Lieutenant James Church shunted power from his battered space recon scoutship's wrecked engines into the aft shields.

Quite a long sentence there, I think the flow could be improved.

Hopefully it would give him a little more time, maybe not much but perhaps just enough to send out a distress call.

If there's a reason this is better than simply saying "Hopefully it would give him enough time to send out a distress call" then I'd like to hear why.

Wafting aside a puff of smoke from the dying navigation computer, he chanced a quick look at the rear-view scanner. They were still there, four Messerschmidt Space Superiority Fighters in the stark crimson livery of Oberst Johann Von Richtoffen's nefarious Jagdegestaffen 23 - the Red Baron's Space Circus.

The above is quite nicely done, evocative, pacy, and with a nice trickling of more info.

No doubt the Baron was amongst them, overseeing the pursuit personally. A burst of scarlet lazer blasts streaked past the cockpit; warning shots. Church ignored them as he keyed the allied frequencies button on the spacecraft's broadband communicator. Slowly rolling his ship up onto the starboard wing, he began his SOS.

Semicolon usage there... I am not as skilled a grammarian as others here but I don't think "warning shots" is a wholly independent clause and thus I wouldn't use a semi-colon. Without precise knowledge of the rule I can't say for certain, but I think a hyphen would be better regardless.

"Mayday, mayday," he said, regulating his voice with a cool calm self control that had become his trademark, "this is United States Space Navy reconnaisance vessel Slipshod requesting urgent assistance. I just got jumped by the Bismarck and she's dealt me a doozy. I'm badly damaged; shields are nearly gone, I'm leaking plasma from the starboard nacelle - my navicomp's out and the radio's stuck on Smooth Jazz."

As VS pointed out, you can do this joke once, not twice. If you're going to use quotes at the start of chapters, I'd use quotes that don't actually exist in the main body, but nonetheless tell us something about the characters.

As if to make a point, the radio chimed in with an incomprehensible clarinet solo. "...if I don't make ground soon I'll be a goner for sure. Anyone who hears this, please send help." His mind swirling, he thought of his commanding officer, Rear Admiral Jack Bigwan, and as an aside added, "help me, Ol' Bigwan - you're my only hope."

Whoa. This is your first chapter of your book and you want to set it up as comedic, and you've done that joke? Never mind that you've crowbarred in the set-up only a few words before, never mind that it's entirely dependent on a cultural reference, it's simply not funny. Worse, it's actively unfunny.

He shut off the communicator and returned his attention to the pursuing Messerschmidts. The one he had reasoned was the Baron loosed off a salvo which sparked off his failing aft shield, overloading the generator in the rear of the central cabin of his three-hulled craft. The generator exploded in an all-too-brief ball of flame, streaming smoke into the void.

Why is it all-too-brief? I find that confusing.

Damn, Church thought as he started flipping switches at random, hoping that one of them would help somehow. A quick well-placed fist to the top of the navigation computer had the small emerald screen popping into life again but for how long he didn't know.

Decent return to the whimsical humour here.

"Computer, find me a bolt-hole and fast," he ordered urgently. There was a fizz and a crackle, a few tiny whirrs and an image swam into resolution on the screen.
"There is an habitable planet within current parameters. Course laid in." The computer spoke in a voice that someone in a research office had decided was soothing and gentle; as it was it just sounded intolerably smug.

Nice.

Church grabbed the warp actuator lever and yanked it back hard. For a moment, nothing happened save for the crimson streaks of lazer fire blasting past the cockpit. Then with a sudden lurch the craft leapt forward, the stars themselves becoming needles of light. Church drew in a deep breath, preparing to breathe a sigh of relief. Which turned out to be a little premature as, as suddenly as it had entered warp, the craft dropped out with a shudder and a pop. Both engines coughed and died, eliciting a loud curse from the lieutenant. Muttering obscenities under his breath, he busied himself running a computer diagnostic. Then he looked up and his jaw dropped. A planet loomed large, an ominous fat rotating ball hanging in space in the exact place he wanted to go through. A few flicks and stabs at various controls told him all he needed to know; he had no control.

This ticks along quite nicely and I can forgive you doing the old "broken hyperdrive" trope, even this early on. In regards to the description of the planet, I think most people think of a planet as spherical (and most people think of a ball like that even though it's not necessarily the case) either which way, the word "fat" doesn't really work in this context unless you want to provide more detail.

"Computer, damage report." No answer. He tried again, a little louder, then slapped the top of the console. Finally, the smug voice piped up again.
"Damage control computers damaged. Damage assessment unavailable. Thank you for using United States Space Navy. Have a nice flight."
The small spaceship plunged into the upper atmosphere, the hull starting to glow a fierce cherry red. It was at that point that the already straining inertial compensators failed and, perhaps mercifully, Lieutenant Church lost consciousness.

If you're going to do a joke there, you need a better one than that. It was tired 20 years ago and it's practically a museum exhibit now. I suppose having criticised your jokes a few times I could suggest something better, or at the very least sound like enough of a humourless prat that you feel better about me laying into you. So here we go:

"Damage report!"
"Damage has been sustained." The computer responded.
"Details!" yelled Church
"All systems aside from damage reporting have been damaged."
"How damaged are they?"
"Extent system non-functional. Helpfulness protocols corrupted. Truncated phrasing circuits intact."


As to the second bit, "fierce" and "cherry" seem unlikely bedfellows

 

[Tecdavid]

I liked this a lot. The Smooth Jazz moment really made me smile, and the Star Wars reference was clever. I think my only real concern is the sentence length. There are quite a few run-on sentences which might be better shortened. (Considering the lengthy names of several characters/concepts/objects, I know this a little tough to avoid). Also, I stumbled at one particular part that read: "as, as suddenly as it had entered warp,". the repetition of 'as' is a bit trippy.
And don't worry about the chapter length. It might not be common to have a paragraph so short, but if you wanted to label this as Chapter 1, I don't think anyone would complain.

 

[Tyburn]

The reason for the "Ol' Bigwan" line is a setup for when Space Captain Flight receives the message - he hears the last part of it looping over and over again, so rushes to help, only for his crew to find the whole of the message mentioning the Bismarck while he's down on the planet. It might seem a joke by itself, but it's setting up a line for later and I wanted something that would stick in the reader's mind (even if for the wrong reasons) so when the full message is played they realise how much trouble they may have just got themselves into.

I hadn't even noticed the repetition of 'as', thanks for pointing that out.

The reason I was concerned about length is that the second chapter weighs in at over five thousand words, though it is split into several scenes - would it be a good idea to break that down into seperate chapters?

Yes, I had noticed the Smooth Jazz repetition, I might see if I can find some sort of change or fix for that - perhaps the computer puts him on hold while processing the damage reports.

I did have an alternate opening line, which was Church saying "Damn" a lot of times.

Will sort out an alternate description for the planet - something to try and get across how ugly a place it seems, even from orbit.

Thanks for the critiques, would it be okay to post the revised version once done?

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

I have little interest in sci-fi these days, but I liked this, mainly because it makes no attempt whatsoever to take itself seriously.
Some comments: the Red Baron was WWI and is definitely an anachronism if you're going for a WWII Nazi theme.
A prologue is an introduction, and not the same thing as a chapter.
I'm not aware of any rules about chapter lengths. Mine are generally around 4-5000 words long (or longer).
Your paragraphs, and perhaps some of the sentences, seem quite long, and in this kind of lightweight, fast-paced stuff, could do with being shorter.

 

[The Judge]

Thanks for the critiques, would it be okay to post the revised version once done?

As long as the revised version is under the word count limit, which I imagine it will be, then it's fine -- you can add it on the end here or in a new thread, whichever you prefer. But... please make sure when you repost you remember to leave the clear line's space between paragraphs -- the software destroys the formatting of indented lines, and you need to add the line manually in order to prevent the unsightly wall of text as appears in your first post. (Usually I'd correct this myself for a first offence, but I wasn't around earlier in the week thanks to laptop problems. )

 

[TacticalLoco]

I think it has real possibilities. I love this sort of thing and I also recognize that humor is the hardest style to create.

The opening quote was indeed 'engaging' and smooth jazz did make me chuckle. But only the first time, however this gag could become funnier if you repeat it in every chapter and handle it correctly. But it could also backfire.

As others have said, you might make everything shorter and punchier.

As a registered nerd I feel compelled to point out that the actual SW quote is "Obiwan Kenobi". I don't know how you'll do that.

I have a WIP that is at least part Douglas Adams so I sympathize with your pain. Good Luck!

 

[Tyburn]

I'm currently trying to figure out a fix for the 'smooth jazz' repetition, nothing better's coming through at the moment, but I think I've got a decent alternative to the damage computer - it's still busted, but I have a better dialogue going between Church and the computer. I'll run a few ideas round as regards the opening line, I have something in place but I'll see if I can figure out anything punchier yet not cliched.

I've also thought it might be a good idea to pop in another chapter to show Church when he lands on the planet, so have made a little start on that.

(Apologies for the wall of text thing, I've been around forums enough that I should know by now about formatting)

 

[RoninJedi84]

I can't really add too much to what has already been said. As a Star Wars geek, I rather enjoyed the "Ol' Bigwan" line, but felt an additional play on "Kenobi" (if you could work one in somehow) would help it tremendously.

I would also say this feels more like "Chapter 1" than "Prologue". If you could break your next chapter up into two separate chapters, then perhaps do so and see how it flows. If it doesn't work, don't worry about it. There's not really a rule regarding chapter length.

Dan Brown is a prime example of this. His books contain chapters than weigh in anywhere from 5 paragraphs to 28 pages. But for his stories, that flows. In a different story, that structure may not work. It all depends.

Stephen King does a lot of breaking up chapters into sections. I personally don't care for this, as for me it gets a bit confusing. I recently read Salem's Lot for the first time and at one point my wife asked what chapter I was on. I had to backtrack 9 pages (going through 3 sections) to tell her. But that's also my personal taste, and I'm only one reader.

Ultimately, it's your story. If one chapter requires 1000 words, and the next requires 5000, so what? If that's what it takes to tell your story the way you want to tell it, then so be it.

 

[J Riff]

This is space opera, so be careful not to overdo it. I don't get the smooth jazz reference, is it supposed to be offensive somehow, in lieu of all the true rubbish music around? )