Numbers, 773 words, christian science fiction

[chongjasmine]

"Do not…do not kill me." She trembled in fear, holding tightly to a book.

The assassin's face was blank, expressionless. His eyes were lifeless, void of a soul within. He was made for one mission, created for one purpose, trained for one function. The tip of his gun continued to point at the young lady that was before him.
Kill. 757, your mission in life is to kill. The words that were repeated into his blank mind echoed again and again.

"I… have a secret that can change your life…"Bang.

~~~~~

Emperor Number Infinite was standing at the stage, facing a crowd of more than a million expressionless people, all dressed in similar identical gray factory made clothes.

"For the first time in the history of planet 345, we had created one billion factory babies within 365 days with a fatality rate of zero."

The people gazed at the emperor with lifeless eyes, listening.

"Of these one billion babies, the most genetically healthy ones will be groomed to be leaders and breeders. The remainders will be assigned to be trained respectively to specific roles which we had paved out for them."

The people continued to gaze at the emperor.

"And on the 25th year of my reign, we will go to wars with earth. We will pay the earthlings back for abandoning us here."

The people clapped. There was no smile, no joy, their faces were all blank.

~~~~

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

That was the first sentence found in the book which the dead girl had been holding.

"Your name, given name, is number 757. You are the 757th successful babies that survive through your first 5 years in planet number 345."

He was given a name for the first time in his 1,825th day alive.

So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them.

That was how those pathetic earthlings who dared to travel to planet 345 believed themselves to be made?

"You were all made in a factory, with a machine. A sperm was collected from the male specimen, and an egg was collected from a female specimen, and the rest of your making took place inside a special machine known as the baby fertilizer."

He remembered looking vaguely into some pictures that were taken from planet earth; the planet was so beautiful, with things which they call trees, cows, horses and butterflies, all coming forth naturally, not made in a factory.

It was so different from planet 345, where everything was artificially made, from the planet itself, to every single of the machinery tree, and chemically produced food.

Planet 345, a round metallic ball invented by the top scientists living in planet earth, was created by the earthlings to get rid of overpopulation problem on earth.

The people on earth in those photos were so different from the people in planet number 345. They have smiles, they have tears, and they all look so different from one another, as if they are made by a creative and unique being, not a product from a factory.

Through Him, all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made. John 1:3.

All things? Even factory made babies? Even him? A foreign feeling suddenly gripped hold of number 757, it sent strange water raining down his eyes.

"I am just a number. I am not like the earthling. I am made in a factory. I am not made by Him, whoever He is, wherever He may be."

He envied the girl. She was made by Him, not in a factory. Not like him.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

"Does that also apply to me, Jesus? Will you also save me, if I believe in you? Please save me."

Something strange entered into the heart of Number 757 for the first time in his life, something he could not explain. "Your body may be produced in a factory, but it is I who put your soul inside," a voice whispered gently within him.

Number 757 smiled. "I am a living being." He threw off the gun and held tightly onto the book.

 

[Esfires]

Sounds like you're just trying to dump information on us about your setting, even if you are trying to filter it through actions and thoughts. Start off with the story, zoom in close on a particular person and what they're going through, the wide-angle information about the setting will come in time.

 

[D-E-M-Emrys]

Esfires hit the head on the nail - good concepts, but by dropping the setting on the reader it's more like reading an encyclopaedia than a story. Don't take that as criticism, it's an opinion. There's more fun to be had in the journey than the place at the end of it, after all

 

[Brian G Turner]

I have to admit I feel like I'm reading a somewhat clumsy audio description of a manga film, rather than a novel or short story. There are some strong visual frames, some nice use of words and interesting concepts that I want to draw me in for the first two sections.

The third section is unconvincing, though - if you want us to believe this is an assassin, "void of soul", then you cannot suddenly have him convert to an alien religion by reading a couple of lines in a book belonging to someone they just assassinated. Unless of course you're not too worried about sounding realistic here, because it grates so much on the first section and the character you've already established.

There is a way to do this, I think, but here it's very exaggerated and extreme and it's hard to see it being consistent with what it's trying to do - ie, a killer raised from birth to kill suddenly wanting "to be saved". From what? by what? What convinced them? How did they relate to the entire suffering and saviour theology? Especially if living on a completely different and alien world?

Just my opinion, though.

 

[Esfires]

Part of the problem is the pacing, I think. That kind of character change is something that takes place over the course of a few chapters, if not an entire book.

 

[abraves247]

I agree with everyone else. The pace was too fast. I had to go back and reread to make sure this was the same character. I pictured a cold blooded killer, but all of a sudden he is wanting to change and be saved. I think this can work if you take several chapters to show a slow change over a period of time like Esfires said.

I like the concept.

 

[J Riff]

Earth needs to be capitalized. When speaking, dialogue, switch tense - "The remainder(s) will be assigned to be trained in specific roles which we (have) paved out (prepared)for them."

 

[chongjasmine]

Thank you for all your feedbacks. They are a great help to me. I am new to writing and makes mistakes. Therefore, your feedbacks are really useful to me.

 

[JoanDrake]

It reads like two narratives about two things, which makes it a bit confusing.

Also, I have to agree with Brian, the sudden conversion of a completely soulless being into an apparent devotee is not depicted realistically. God didn't whisper into Saul's ear on his way to Tarsus, he threw him off his horse and struck him with a light so bright he was blinded for days.

 

[Esfires]

It reads like two narratives about two things, which makes it a bit confusing.

Also, I have to agree with Brian, the sudden conversion of a completely soulless being into an apparent devotee is not depicted realistically. God didn't whisper into Saul's ear on his way to Tarsus, he threw him off his horse and struck him with a light so bright he was blinded for days.

And even after he was converted, he spent ten years in Arabia being trained by God before coming back and preaching. This sort of thing takes time.

 

[JoanDrake]

And even after he was converted, he spent ten years in Arabia being trained by God before coming back and preaching. This sort of thing takes time.

Hadn't known that.

What part of Arabia? Wouldn't it be the height of irony if the real Founder of Christianity, who had been a loyalist Jew, turned out to be a secret Bedu

 

[Esfires]

Hadn't known that.

What part of Arabia? Wouldn't it be the height of irony if the real Founder of Christianity, who had been a loyalist Jew, turned out to be a secret Bedu

I checked, and it turned out the "ten years" part was a little off. He went off for ten years following his conversion, but only a few were spent in Arabia. Either way, if you'll remember, he was on his way to Damascus to arrest and execute some of the early Christians there. He then gets converted on the way, and when he arrives he is healed of his blindness by a Christian that God told him to go and see, and then he begins preaching in Damascus. The Christians there are understandably wary of him, of course, and he doesn't stay. He then disappears in Arabia for a time before coming back to Damascus and, eventually, going to see Peter and the apostles at Jerusalem (who also need some convincing. This is like Herman Goering suddenly becoming a Jew in the middle of the Holocaust).

He speaks of it briefly in Galatians:

"But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother's womb, and called me by His grace, to reveal His Son in me, that I might preach Him among the heathen, immediately I conferred not with flesh and blood; neither went I up to Jerusalem to them which were apostles before me; but I went into Arabia, and returned again unto Damascus. Then, after three years I went up to Jerusalem."