Character intro and dialogue

[Kylara]

Hey, I know I haven't been around for a while but I have been keeping up on the chats, just not enough time to chat with you all! Anyways, I have here a part from my WIP - if anyone remembers a while back I put up a piece introducing the majority of these characters - this happens a while later...

I have cut a piece (about 200 words) out in the middle (the ----- ) because it is just a bit about finding rooms and some amusing happenings that aren't particularly important and ate up my word count for the crit - it does sit at about 1.6k which is a little over the 1.5k limit sorry - it is just that there are two character introductions close together and I need to know if they work or if they need more space between them. (If it is too long, I'll remove the bit after the --- )

Any feedback would be great - it's been a while since I wrote this and coming back to edit it I am a little unsure of a couple of bits, but can't work out how to deal with them - would like to know if they appear to other people...especially helpful feedback would be about the intros and whetehr they work/give good account of characters...also I know some bits feel clunky - would like to check they seem that way to everyone else!

World point - magics are a type of wild creature manifestation that can be captured and tamed/bent to will etc (I think I chatted about it in an "original magics thread" at some point).

That's it I think, thanks in advance...



[FONT=&quot]Veer took the lead as they entered the stone buildings of the city and led them down side streets and along covered walkways. She stopped them outside a small house, pulled the bell rope on the door and walked round to the back of the building, indicating that they should follow.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'The council stay here?' Lyx asked Zander as they dismounted and handed their horses to a stable lad and walked across the courtyard to the door, 'Isn't it a bit,' he stopped just inside the door and stared around the huge hall and smiled ruefully, 'small?'. Veer laughed loudly as she walked through after them,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'That happens a lot. Didn't your friends warn you about it?'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'No. They probably thought that I knew already.' a smile was playing around his lips as he looked at Zander and Tay.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Or, perish the thought, they wanted to see your reaction, and, judging from what I saw, it was very comical.' the voice seemed to find Lyx's predicament amusing.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'What? Who said that? And where are you?' Lyx was staring all around the hall looking to see where the voice had come from.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I said that, and my name? Well wouldn't you like to know!' the voice laughed; a mellifluous soprano, 'As to where I am, all you have to do is turn your eyes skywards,' as they looked up, the creature they saw collapsed into fits of laughter once more and sat down in midair.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Who are you then?' enquired Zander, 'And how are you staying in the air like that?'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I, well, I am a faerie. I shall not tell you my name but you may call me...' she paused and looked thoughtful, 'you may call me Deya. And I am in the air because I want to be in the air,' the faerie started to snigger but controlled herself enough to say, 'I shall come down if you like.' As she landed gracefully on the floor she stood up in one movement and stared at them with large, totally black eyes.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I thought faeries had wings.' Lyx said quietly, but the faerie's head snapped round and she stared at him,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'I can make some wings if it will make you feel better...' as she spoke a pair of small fluffy orange wings grew out from her head, just above her sharp ears.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Is this suitable?' she asked, then collapsed into fits of giggles as the orange wings flapped lazily and her azure hair was blown across her face. She started to walk away from them across the vast hall and called to them to follow her. Veer was once again talking, not seeming to worry that no-one was listening, only stopping as they reached an ornate set of double doors. The faerie skipped over and touched them lightly, laughing as they swung open silently.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Deya, get rid of those absurd wings please. Come in everyone and our meeting may begin.' a stern looking woman was sitting on a large green chair behind a substantial desk, surrounded by members of the council, each with their own desk and personal chair.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Now Deya!' the woman demanded. Deya frowned slightly and the wings disappeared with a theatrical puff of scarlet smoke,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'They clashed with my hair anyway.' she said defiantly, crossing her legs and sitting in midair again.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The woman on the green chair turned from Deya to look at Lyx,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Ah, you must be the one in need of a magic and that is what we are here to discuss. Deya will help you to capture it and it should take no longer than seven days. After you capture your magic, the council will meet again to speak about why Fyean called you to us.' as she said this, she stared disapprovingly at a beautiful young woman sitting on a striking wooden chair. It looked like a small tree had been twisted around into a comfortable chair shape whilst still retaining its leaves, its roots were curved into the shape of a birds talons, with the whitest roots as the claws. There was also a lifelike bird perched on the top of the chair, seemingly moulded from the wood as well. The woman - Fyean, smiled crookedly and turned to stroke the wooden bird. To Lyx and Zander's amazement the bird ruffled its bark-brown feathers, moved its head under her hand and blinked slowly, its eyes flashing the same golden colour as Fyean's hair. She smiled in their direction and turned back to face them. Deya was laughing silently in the air at a man who was sitting on his desk, flicking his long auburn tail. He appeared to be a member of the fey folk with clothes that gave the impression of rushing water. When he noticed them looking at him he spoke,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'I am named in your tongue as Lonas.' he smiled and his voice sounded like the water woven into his clothes. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Lonas stared as Veer led them back to the double doors and, once through them, they closed softly by themselves. They followed her as she led them out of the hall and down some twisting steps, through long curved corridors into a much smaller hall where they could smell food. Veer stopped and turned to face them slowly,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Uh this is the dining hall...there are cooks in the kitchen all the time so you can have food whenever you wish. We can have food now or uh later on after you've seen your quarters. They can do any food here uh except for the dish that Deya is always asking for...I'm not entirely sure what it is but they refuse to do it.' she paused and looked at Deya who was smiling wickedly,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Veer you know perfectly well what's in the dish. But if you've forgotten I can tell our new friends for you.' Veer took a step forward as if to stop the faerie but Deya continued to speak in an off-hand way, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'The kitchen will not produce a certain delicacy of my homeland called Flesorm and the reason that they won't produce it is because it contains live Nightbirds. Oh, it also contains some sort of purple worm...' she trailed off and began to laugh manically at the horrified looks on Zander and Lyx's faces. Tay however, did not look appalled but was smiling slightly in her direction and inclined his head in her direction as if silently applauding her audacity. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Uh...I think I should show you to your quarters now and we can uh come back here later.' Veer guided them across the hall and through another set of impressive double doors into a small courtyard. She stopped and looked up at the darkening sky, moved off past the little pond and went through a small door in the side of the wall. [/FONT]



---------------------------------------------------------------------------


[FONT=&quot]Early the next morning they all met in the dining hall, each eating their own type of breakfast; Zander and Lyx were both eating a grey looking broth, Veer a bowl of vegetables and Tay and Deya were eating a plate of spotted mushrooms. They sat in the hall and watched the other inhabitants of the dwelling coming and going for a while.

Lyx sprang up and reached for his sword when the double doors burst open and an immense magic walked in, followed by a wild looking faerie, this one with impressive shimmering white wings, a slender frame and sharp angular face with large upturned eyes that were entirely blue.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Sit down you idiot!' Deya hissed at him, 'and sheath your sword. You don't want to fight Shebar. Especially when you lack a magic.' she looked at him irritably but then smiled quickly, jumped up and ran towards the imposing faerie. The faerie frowned as she rushed up to him then smiled fleetingly and embraced her with a laugh like hers, only his was tenor instead of soprano. Still laughing she grabbed his hand and pulled him over to their table, his magic in tow.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'This is my brother Shebar. He's been away in the forest reserve finding magics for all those searching for them. He also stops brainless people from being attacked as they try to find themselves a magic without telling anyone. His magic is one of the largest ever and I helped him find it just as I am going to help you find yours Lyx.' as she paused in her appreciation of her brother he spoke,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Greetings, my sister has not told you of her exploits in the forest by the looks on your faces,' he hesitated briefly, 'I see that you still don't seem surprised by anything Tay. You have new companions I see, I take it you grew tired of the others?' he smiled regretfully, 'I quite liked the young man with that ridiculous sword and, if I remember correctly he always refused to ride a horse.' Deya interrupted, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'No brother, the man who wouldn't ride the horse was before that I think. Am I right Tay?'[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Brian G Turner]

I think a key problem here is that there's no character - you've described what is happening, and provided the dialogue, but there's no character thoughts, emotions, conflicts, as yet.

It would probably be recommended to look to put more of the character POV into this - for example, at the beginning you spend a couple of paragraphs telling us about movements and buildings. But - what does all this feel like? And to whom? I can't even tell who is the main character here - Lyx talks a lot so perhaps it's her?

I'm not engaged by the character experience because there is none, so I'm left reading a set of actions and dialogue that appear to have absolutely no emotional impact on any of the characters - and therefore do not impact myself as a reader.

 

[The Judge]

Hmm... a bit over 1600 in fact, Kylara... I've removed the last couple of paragraphs to make you all legitimate -- I don't think their omission will prevent people getting an impression of the piece as a whole.

Critique-wise, a quick glance tells me you need to spend some time reviewing dialogue attribution -- check out The Toolbox if you're unsure. I'll have a more considered read in a bit.

 

[Kylara]

Thanks TJ (sorry!)...dialogue attribution is something I do bug out on a bit! Thanks for pointing it out...

Thanks Brian - I think it is because I write in 3rd - need to figure out a way to bring in character experience without slipping into 1st or headhopping.

 

[Brian G Turner]

If it's any consolation I used to do the same - writing the events and dialogue first, then having to figure how to put the character into the scene after.

Am trying to get more into the habit of writing character in at first draft - saves on the rewrites and revisions later!

But, more seriously, until you do that in this scene you haven't really introduced a character, simply a name.

 

[D-E-M-Emrys]

Here's my two cents (and apologies for not being able to provide a full line-by-line break down, I'm supposed to be working!):

1) Adverb heavy. e.g.
'she stared disapprovingly' - You can cut this down to just a 'frown', which'll also save your word count.

There's more instances of this happening throughout, but this one in particular stood out to me: 'she looked at him irritably but then smiled quickly'. You are fond of facial expressions to portray emotion - which isn't a bad thing, I applaud you for using a physical outlet rather than just saying 'she was irritated' - however, think of OTHER ways that a person might outwardly display their feelings. For example how about when irritated a character starts to pick at things. When pushed to annoyance I have a friend who'll start clicking his fingers. Anger comes with the clenched fists.

2) I, Brian has it spot on. And I think it's fantastic that you have identified your need to work on the characterisation. I think thoughts are a good way to go on this, and feelings too, but more so the sensory side of life.
Hear-smell-see-taste-feel = but from the characters point of view.
E.g. Does a strong smell make their head spin?

Sorry I couldn't be of further use - again strapped for time today.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Dialogue punctuation has to be one of the things up there that trips people up a lot.

So, if you go to a dialogue tag like a he said, she asked, the thing with six heads enquired, that's when it is linked to the spoken part of the dialogue with a comma. Because the sentence doesn't end until you've done the descriptor.

But, if you go to an action, you end the dialogue inside the quotations.

An ! and ? act as either a comma or a fullstop. I don't have time for a full line by line, Kylara, but here's the first bit as it should be punctuated.



[FONT=&quot]'The council stay here?' Lyx asked Zander as they dismounted and handed their horses to a stable lad and walked across the courtyard to the door. 'Isn't it a bit....'(hard to know what to do here, you could play with dashes as well, I went .... as you can close the sentence and it gives the hanging question I think you want) He stopped just inside the door and stared around the huge hall and smiled ruefully. 'Small?'.

Veer laughed loudly as she walked through after them. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]'That happens a lot. Didn't your friends warn you about it?'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'No. They probably thought that I knew already.' A smile was playing around his lips as he looked at Zander and Tay.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Or, perish the thought, they wanted to see your reaction, and, judging from what I saw, it was very comical.' The voice seemed to find Lyx's predicament amusing.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'What? Who said that? And where are you?' Lyx was staring (a bit passive -- stared?) all around the hall looking to see where the voice had come from.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I said that, and my name? Well wouldn't you like to know!' The voice laughed; a mellifluous soprano. 'As to where I am, all you have to do is turn your eyes skywards.' As they looked up, the creature they saw(consider dropping as it veils?) collapsed into fits of laughter once more and sat down in midair.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Who are you then?' enquired Zander. 'And how are you staying in the air like that?'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I, well, I am a faerie. I shall not tell you my name but you may call me... .' She paused and looked thoughtful. 'You may call me Deya. And I am in the air because I want to be in the air.' The faerie started to snigger but controlled herself enough to say, 'I shall come down if you like.' As she landed gracefully on the floor she stood up in one movement and stared at them with large, totally black eyes.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I thought faeries had wings,' Lyx said quietly, but the faerie's head snapped round and she stared at him.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]'I can make some wings if it will make you feel better...' As she spoke a pair of small fluffy orange wings grew out from her head, just above her sharp ears.[/FONT]

 

[The Judge]

I'll have nit-pick to keep my talons sharp...

red = suggested amendments/additions
[blue] = suggested deletions
[purple] = comment

[FONT=&quot]Veer took the lead as they entered the stone buildings [they're entering buildings... on horseback...?] of the city and led them down side streets and along covered walkways. She stopped them outside a small house, pulled the bell rope on the door and walked round to the back of the building, indicating [that] they should follow.[/FONT] [if this is the first time we meet them, you need to let us know they are on horseback in this first paragraph]

[FONT=&quot]'The council stay here?' Lyx asked Zander as [the "as" means he speaks at the same time as all the following actions, which means he must be talking verrrry slooowwwly... ] they dismounted. They [and] handed their horses to a stable lad and walked across the courtyard to the door.

'Isn't it a bit,' he stopped just inside the door and stared around the huge hall and smiled ruefully, 'small?'. [I don't think breaking the dialogue like that helps, but if you want it, I'd suggest as I've written it below; "he" would be the stable lad as he's the last mentioned; no full stop needed after the dialogue; new para needed for Veer if she's going to be talking] Veer laughed loudly [two adverbs in close conjunction a bit unsettling] as she walked through after them,[/FONT] [comma not enough for this, even in the same para, and you can't split paragraphs on a comma]
[FONT=&quot]'That happens [/FONT][FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][what? Nothing has happened. If you mean "reaction" I think you need to say so] [/FONT]a lot. Didn't your friends warn you about it?'[/FONT]

[My suggestion for the above:
[FONT=&quot]Lyx stopped just inside the door and stared around the huge hall. 'Isn't it a bit..." He smiled ruefully. '... small?'

Veer laughed as she walked through after them. '[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Didn't your friends warn you?'][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'No. They probably thought that I knew already.' A smile was playing [I'd suggest "played" to avoid "was"es] around his lips as he looked at Zander and Tay.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Or, perish the thought, they wanted to see your reaction, and, judging from what I saw, it was very comical.' The [one or two adjectives needed, and you definitely need to make it clear it's female] voice seemed to find Lyx's predicament amusing. [um... well... that's what he's just said, so you don't need to repeat it][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'What? Who said that? And where are you?' Lyx was staring [again I'd suggest simple past as "stared"] all around the hall looking to see where the voice had come from.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I said that. And my name? Well, wouldn't you like to know!' The voice laughed; a mellifluous soprano. 'As to where I am, all you have to do is turn your eyes skywards.'

[new para] As they looked up, a [the] [one or two choice adjectives needed here if they don't know what the creature is -- ie slim/green-haired/transparent/dragon-like/elvish] creature [they saw] collapsed [um... literally -- does she fall over? If so, the "sat down" afterwards is a bit odd. If figuratively, it's a bit of a cliche and a touch childish, I'd have said] into fits of laughter [once more] [she hadn't collapsed before, just laughed] and sat down in midair.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Who are you then?' asked [enquired] Zander. 'And how are you staying in the air like that?'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I, well, I am a faerie. I shall not tell you my name but you may call me...' She paused and looked thoughtful. '... you [alternatively delete the ellipsis and start with a capital] may call me Deya. And I am in the air because I want to be in the air.' The faerie started to snigger but controlled herself enough to say, 'I shall come down if you like.'

[new para] [As] She landed [gracefully] on the floor and [she] stood [up] in one graceful movement [oh no... not even a fairy can land and stand simultaneously -- one has to follow the other, so the "As" has to go. An alternative would be something like "After she landed..." but that is a bit odd here] then [and] stared at them with large, [totally] black eyes.[/FONT] [again you had two more adverbs close together -- better swopping the one and removing the other I think]

[FONT=&quot]'I thought faeries had wings.' Lyx spoke [said] [if you want "said" the full stop after "wings" has to be a comma, and you ought to full stop after quietly, delete "but" and use a capital for "The faerie's..."] quietly, but the faerie's head snapped round and she stared at him. [Again you can't para break on a comma. Full stop here and a new para]

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]'I can make some wings if it will make you feel better...' As she spoke a pair of small fluffy orange wings grew out from her head, just above her sharp ears.[/FONT]

That's probably enough for you to pick up the correct punctuation and use it for the rest. Do watch your "as"es -- they are helpful, but they create a situation where things are happening at the same time, and here you use them a bit too much, I'd say, and not always correctly.

As for the whole, I was a bit confused. Is this a book for children? I don't know about clunky, but it read a little simplistically to me, and certainly it doesn't have the feel of an adult novel with adult themes and interests. The characters themselves sound like children or teenagers -- and not just the faery who is presumably meant to seem a petulant adolescent.

I don't think there's a problem with introducing two characters within the space of 1,000 words, but I do think perhaps you've gone overboard with Deya. I'd reign her in a bit, perhaps, eg drop the stuff in the kitchen.

If this is an adult fantasy, I think the writing needs to be a bit sharper, perhaps, and you could lose the adverbs, which impart something of a child-like vibe to the whole. Obviously, if it is for children, that's not so important.


EDIT: Sorry, so slow here that I'm just repeating things!

.

 

[ctg]

'The council stay here?' Lyx asked Zander as they dismounted and handed their horses to a stable lad and walked across the courtyard to the door, 'Isn't it a bit,' he stopped just inside the door and stared around the huge hall and smiled ruefully, 'small?'.

Veer laughed loudly as she walked through after them. 'That happens a lot. Didn't your friends warn you about it?'

This paragraph is particularly problematic as there are a lot of action that I would have personally separated in smaller sentences. And the thing is that in the first descriptive sentence you use a lot of action that are similar to each other and it makes me think if you could edit this a bit.

'No. They probably thought that I knew already.' a smile was playing around his lips as he looked at Zander and Tay.

You are doing it again and in this one, the narrative doesn't connect well with the dialogue.

You could have simply written:

"No." He smiled wickedly. "They probably know that already."

'Or, perish the thought, they wanted to see your reaction, and, judging from what I saw, it was very comical.' the voice seemed to find Lyx's predicament amusing.

"Or they wanted to see your reaction," someone said behind them. "And by judging from what I saw they found it pretty comical."

Note that I cut away most of your narrative and trusted that the reader will imagine stuff from the description.

'What? Who said that? And where are you?' Lyx was staring all around the hall looking to see where the voice had come from.

To me it constantly looks as if you are writing one story in dialogue and another story in the narrative. Is that the case? And if it is then I think you should know that some readers might find that confusing.

'I said that, and my name? Well wouldn't you like to know!' the voice laughed; a mellifluous soprano, 'As to where I am, all you have to do is turn your eyes skywards,' as they looked up, the creature they saw collapsed into fits of laughter once more and sat down in midair.

The creature needs a bit more description and I'd like to see you expanding this a bit. You could even write a paragraph or two on the POV character reactions.

'Who are you then?' enquired Zander, 'And how are you staying in the air like that?'

'I, well, I am a faerie. I shall not tell you my name but you may call me...' she paused and looked thoughtful, 'you may call me Deya. And I am in the air because I want to be in the air,' the faerie started to snigger but controlled herself enough to say, 'I shall come down if you like.' As she landed gracefully on the floor she stood up in one movement and stared at them with large, totally black eyes.

Descriptions again.

'I thought faeries had wings.' Lyx said quietly, but the faerie's head snapped round and she stared at him,
'I can make some wings if it will make you feel better...' as she spoke a pair of small fluffy orange wings grew out from her head, just above her sharp ears.

In here you mix strong omniscient narrator with the PoV and I for one find it confusing.

'Is this suitable?' she asked, then collapsed into fits of giggles as the orange wings flapped lazily and her azure hair was blown across her face. She started to walk away from them across the vast hall and called to them to follow her. Veer was once again talking, not seeming to worry that no-one was listening, only stopping as they reached an ornate set of double doors. The faerie skipped over and touched them lightly, laughing as they swung open silently.

'Deya, get rid of those absurd wings please. Come in everyone and our meeting may begin.' a stern looking woman was sitting on a large green chair behind a substantial desk, surrounded by members of the council, each with their own desk and personal chair.

I would like you to move woman description in second paragraph after the character naming. For example you could write:

"Deya," a stern looking woman snapped. "Get rid of those absurd wings, please." She was sitting on a large green chair behind a desk that was far more extravagant than other other council members pieces. But before the fairy managed to react the woman shouted: "Now!"

What I try to illustrate to you is that you can write in narrative, zoom out and then close back in fairly easily to make one solid paragraph.

'Now Deya!' the woman demanded. Deya frowned slightly and the wings disappeared with a theatrical puff of scarlet smoke,
'They clashed with my hair anyway.' she said defiantly, crossing her legs and sitting in midair again.

The woman on the green chair turned from Deya to look at Lyx,
'Ah, you must be the one in need of a magic and that is what we are here to discuss. Deya will help you to capture it and it should take no longer than seven days. After you capture your magic, the council will meet again to speak about why Fyean called you to us.' as she said this, she stared disapprovingly at a beautiful young woman sitting on a striking wooden chair. It looked like a small tree had been twisted around into a comfortable chair shape whilst still retaining its leaves, its roots were curved into the shape of a birds talons, with the whitest roots as the claws. There was also a lifelike bird perched on the top of the chair, seemingly moulded from the wood as well. The woman - Fyean, smiled crookedly and turned to stroke the wooden bird. To Lyx and Zander's amazement the bird ruffled its bark-brown feathers, moved its head under her hand and blinked slowly, its eyes flashing the same golden colour as Fyean's hair. She smiled in their direction and turned back to face them. Deya was laughing silently in the air at a man who was sitting on his desk, flicking his long auburn tail. He appeared to be a member of the fey folk with clothes that gave the impression of rushing water. When he noticed them looking at him he spoke,
'I am named in your tongue as Lonas.' he smiled and his voice sounded like the water woven into his clothes.

There are quite a lot of description in this narrative that could had been broken in smaller pieces as you give the characters roundness instead cutting them out from the cardboard.

Lonas stared as Veer led them back to the double doors and, once through them, they closed softly by themselves. They followed her as she led them out of the hall and down some twisting steps, through long curved corridors into a much smaller hall where they could smell food. Veer stopped and turned to face them slowly,
'Uh this is the dining hall...there are cooks in the kitchen all the time so you can have food whenever you wish. We can have food now or uh later on after you've seen your quarters. They can do any food here uh except for the dish that Deya is always asking for...I'm not entirely sure what it is but they refuse to do it.' she paused and looked at Deya who was smiling wickedly,
'Veer you know perfectly well what's in the dish. But if you've forgotten I can tell our new friends for you.' Veer took a step forward as if to stop the faerie but Deya continued to speak in an off-hand way,
'The kitchen will not produce a certain delicacy of my homeland called Flesorm and the reason that they won't produce it is because it contains live Nightbirds. Oh, it also contains some sort of purple worm...' she trailed off and began to laugh manically at the horrified looks on Zander and Lyx's faces. Tay however, did not look appalled but was smiling slightly in her direction and inclined his head in her direction as if silently applauding her audacity.

'Uh...I think I should show you to your quarters now and we can uh come back here later.' Veer guided them across the hall and through another set of impressive double doors into a small courtyard. She stopped and looked up at the darkening sky, moved off past the little pond and went through a small door in the side of the wall.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------


Early the next morning they all met in the dining hall, each eating their own type of breakfast; Zander and Lyx were both eating a grey looking broth, Veer a bowl of vegetables and Tay and Deya were eating a plate of spotted mushrooms. They sat in the hall and watched the other inhabitants of the dwelling coming and going for a while.

Lyx sprang up and reached for his sword when the double doors burst open and an immense magic walked in, followed by a wild looking faerie, this one with impressive shimmering white wings, a slender frame and sharp angular face with large upturned eyes that were entirely blue.

'Sit down you idiot!' Deya hissed at him, 'and sheath your sword. You don't want to fight Shebar. Especially when you lack a magic.' she looked at him irritably but then smiled quickly, jumped up and ran towards the imposing faerie. The faerie frowned as she rushed up to him then smiled fleetingly and embraced her with a laugh like hers, only his was tenor instead of soprano. Still laughing she grabbed his hand and pulled him over to their table, his magic in tow.

'This is my brother Shebar. He's been away in the forest reserve finding magics for all those searching for them. He also stops brainless people from being attacked as they try to find themselves a magic without telling anyone. His magic is one of the largest ever and I helped him find it just as I am going to help you find yours Lyx.' as she paused in her appreciation of her brother he spoke,
'Greetings, my sister has not told you of her exploits in the forest by the looks on your faces,' he hesitated briefly, 'I see that you still don't seem surprised by anything Tay. You have new companions I see, I take it you grew tired of the others?' he smiled regretfully, 'I quite liked the young man with that ridiculous sword and, if I remember correctly he always refused to ride a horse.' Deya interrupted,
'No brother, the man who wouldn't ride the horse was before that I think. Am I right Tay?'

The beginning of second chapter is in far better condition than previous one but as you go on, you start to venture back to same mistakes that are present in the previous one. So from my point of view you need to practice on how the narrative connects to the dialogue and where the description comes in the play.

I'd also like to say that I like that narrator voice and if you're going to go for the strong narrator instead of POV, concentrate on that as this story has wings on being quite magical. Some could even say it's really entertaining but at the moment it needs more work than a bit of polish.

 

[Kylara]

Thank for those detailed crits guys, much appreciated - this piece is a bit I have been struggling with for a long time - I haven't done much to it for months - focusing on other sections...

TJ it was originally an adult fantasy, but the characters moved me to aim it younger so it is more teen at this bits moment - some parts are writing themselves younger than others which is annoying so it's a little hit and miss on audience (another problem I know) I am currently partly rewriting bits and it seems to be moving towards adult/YA so I can totally agree with your problems with it!

Springs thank you for the dialogue bits - I go well for a paragraph or two then give up a bit and then sit there all confused, you have been very helpful (I haven't written dialogue for sooooo long - I've been dialogue free or monologing lately! And I think when this was last played with I was writing a script...)

So far my biggest problem seems to be that I love writing in 3rd omni and then have great difficulty stopping myself from headhopping, so I cut the head bits, probably not a good idea... also adverbs are what get through my purpleness barrier! (I love writing purple and my poetry gets lots of it) They all sound so pretty! I will try and curb it in though poor adverbs free to a good home?!

I am so glad I have decided to come back to this WIP, I have missed it, but it really has suffered from a few "just get it down" moments that never really got over it (I normally edit as I go) I am loving all the crits, the more nitpicky the better and I'll have a think and an edit at some point soon and post it up!

 

[ctg]

Don't think that there's anything wrong in strong omniscient narrative voice you have used through your work. The children love it and as this piece is meant for the young audience, I'd recommend you to forget the close third for a moment and focusing on getting the narrative right.

You could even think it as a wink towards the older masters like H.C. Andersen or Grimm brothers but with out own flair of fussiness. And not for once I thought you were overly purple in this piece. Instead you were trying very, very hard to get the elements to play. So try to rewrite it from the beginning from the narrator's perspective and forget the close third as it won't work too well on the children.

 

[Brian G Turner]

So far my biggest problem seems to be that I love writing in 3rd omni and then have great difficulty stopping myself from headhopping

Third person omniscient allows for head-hopping - do you mean third person limited, which doesn't?

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

[FONT=&quot]Veer took the lead as they entered the stone buildings of the city and led them down side streets and along covered walkways. That's a rather perfunctory description of the city. She stopped them outside a small house, pulled the bell rope on the door and walked round to the back of the building, indicating that they should follow. Odd thing to do. Not ring and wait?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'The council stay here?' Lyx asked Zander as they dismounted and handed their horses to a stable lad and walked across the courtyard to the door, 'Isn't it a bit,' he stopped just inside the door and stared around the huge hall Small house, stable, huge hall? How does any of this architecture go together? I can't visualise it. Can you? and smiled ruefully, 'small?'. Veer laughed loudly as she walked through after them,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'That happens a lot. Didn't your friends warn you about it?'[/FONT] I totally fail to get the size joke here.

[FONT=&quot]'No. They probably thought that I knew already.' a smile was playing around his lips as he looked at Zander and Tay.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Or, perish the thought, they wanted to see your reaction, and, judging from what I saw, it was very comical.' the voice seemed to find Lyx's predicament amusing.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'What? Who said that? And where are you?' Lyx was staring all around the hall looking to see where the voice had come from.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I said that, and my name? Well wouldn't you like to know!' the voice laughed; a mellifluous soprano, 'As to where I am, all you have to do is turn your eyes skywards,' as they looked up, the creature they saw collapsed into fits of laughter once more and sat down in midair.[/FONT]
Character description please?
[FONT=&quot]'Who are you then?' enquired Zander, 'And how are you staying in the air like that?'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I, well, I am a faerie. I shall not tell you my name but you may call me...' she paused and looked thoughtful, 'you may call me Deya. And I am in the air because I want to be in the air,' the faerie started to snigger but controlled herself enough to say, 'I shall come down if you like.' As she landed gracefully on the floor she stood up in one movement and stared at them with large, totally black eyes.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I thought faeries had wings.' Lyx said quietly, but the faerie's head snapped round and she stared at him,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'I can make some wings if it will make you feel better...' as she spoke a pair of small fluffy orange wings grew out from her head, just above her sharp ears.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Is this suitable?' she asked, then collapsed into fits of giggles as the orange wings flapped lazily and her azure hair was blown across her face. She started to walk away from them across the vast hall and called to them to follow her. Veer was once again talking, not seeming to worry that no-one was listening, only stopping as they reached an ornate set of double doors. The faerie skipped over and touched them lightly, laughing as they swung open silently.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Deya, get rid of those absurd wings please. Come in everyone and our meeting may begin.' a stern looking woman was sitting on a large green chair behind a substantial desk, surrounded by members of the council, each with their own desk and personal chair.[/FONT]
In a semicircle? In rows? What do they look like? (Later on you suggest that they all look weird, so there should be some reaction from the visitors here.)
[FONT=&quot]'Now Deya!' the woman demanded. Deya frowned slightly and the wings disappeared with a theatrical puff of scarlet smoke,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'They clashed with my hair anyway.' she said defiantly, crossing her legs and sitting in midair again.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The woman on the green chair turned from Deya to look at Lyx,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Ah, you must be the one in need of a magic and that is what we are here to discuss. Deya will help you to capture it and it should take no longer than seven days. After you capture your magic, the council will meet again to speak about why Fyean called you to us.'
That's it? That must be the shortest council meeting in history.
as she said this, she stared disapprovingly at a beautiful young woman sitting on a striking wooden chair. It looked like a small tree had been twisted around into a comfortable chair shape whilst still retaining its leaves, its roots were curved into the shape of a birds talons, with the whitest roots as the claws. There was also a lifelike bird perched on the top of the chair, seemingly moulded from the wood as well. The woman - Fyean, smiled crookedly and turned to stroke the wooden bird.
That's a goodly bit of description, in contrast to other stuff that's not described at all.
To Lyx and Zander's amazement the bird ruffled its bark-brown feathers, moved its head under her hand and blinked slowly, its eyes flashing the same golden colour as Fyean's hair. She smiled in their direction and turned back to face them. Deya was laughing silently in the air at a man who was sitting on his desk, flicking his long auburn tail. He appeared to be a member of the fey folk with clothes that gave the impression of rushing water. When he noticed them looking at him he spoke,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'I am named in your tongue as Lonas.' he smiled and his voice sounded like the water woven into his clothes. Again, a lengthy description. Is this character important?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Lonas stared as Veer led them back to the double doors and, once through them, they closed softly by themselves. They followed her as she led them out of the hall and down some twisting steps, through long curved corridors into a much smaller hall where they could smell food. Veer stopped and turned to face them slowly,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Uh this is the dining hall...there are cooks in the kitchen all the time so you can have food whenever you wish. We can have food now or uh later on after you've seen your quarters. They can do any food here Food? Quarters? Who's paying for this? (readers do ask that sort of question.)
uh except for the dish that Deya is always asking for...I'm not entirely sure what it is but they refuse to do it.' she paused and looked at Deya who was smiling wickedly,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Veer you know perfectly well what's in the dish. But if you've forgotten I can tell our new friends for you.' Veer took a step forward as if to stop the faerie but Deya continued to speak in an off-hand way, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'The kitchen will not produce a certain delicacy of my homeland called Flesorm and the reason that they won't produce it is because it contains live Nightbirds. Oh, it also contains some sort of purple worm...' she trailed off and began to laugh manically at the horrified looks on Zander and Lyx's faces. Tay however, did not look appalled but was smiling slightly in her direction and inclined his head in her direction as if silently applauding her audacity. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Uh...I think I should show you to your quarters now and we can uh come back here later.' Veer guided them across the hall and through another set of impressive double doors into a small courtyard. She stopped and looked up at the darkening sky, moved off past the little pond and went through a small door in the side of the wall. [/FONT]



---------------------------------------------------------------------------


[FONT=&quot]Early the next morning they all met in the dining hall, each eating their own type of breakfast; Zander and Lyx were both eating a grey looking broth, Veer a bowl of vegetables and Tay and Deya were eating a plate of spotted mushrooms. They sat in the hall and watched the other inhabitants of the dwelling coming and going for a while.

Lyx sprang up and reached for his sword when the double doors burst open and an immense magic walked in, followed by a wild looking faerie, this one with impressive shimmering white wings, a slender frame and sharp angular face with large upturned eyes that were entirely blue.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Sit down you idiot!' Deya hissed at him, 'and sheath your sword. First mention of this character being armed? You don't want to fight Shebar. Especially when you lack a magic.' she looked at him irritably but then smiled quickly, jumped up and ran towards the imposing faerie. The faerie frowned as she rushed up to him then smiled fleetingly and embraced her with a laugh like hers, only his was tenor instead of soprano. Still laughing she grabbed his hand and pulled him over to their table, his magic in tow.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'This is my brother Shebar. He's been away in the forest reserve finding magics for all those searching for them. He also stops brainless people from being attacked as they try to find themselves a magic without telling anyone. His magic is one of the largest ever and I helped him find it just as I am going to help you find yours Lyx.' as she paused in her appreciation of her brother he spoke,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Greetings, my sister has not told you of her exploits in the forest by the looks on your faces,' he hesitated briefly, 'I see that you still don't seem surprised by anything Tay. You have new companions I see, I take it you grew tired of the others?' he smiled regretfully, 'I quite liked the young man with that ridiculous sword and, if I remember correctly he always refused to ride a horse.' Deya interrupted, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'No brother, the man who wouldn't ride the horse was before that I think. Am I right Tay?'[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

To be honest I suspect I'm not the right reader for this as it all seems a bit 'fey'. There's no sense whatsoever of several of the characters: Veer, Lyx and Zander are just names, they don't have a point of view, thoughts or a description of their appearance. Some stuff gets little or no description, while some characters get, for unclear reasons, a detailed write-up.

When writing a scene, it helps to have a checklist:
Where is this? What does the setting look like?
Who's there? What do these characters look like?
Keep a mix of action and description.
If they talk a lot, throw in some little actions to break up the dialogue.

Even in a fantasy story, I like to have the sense that the background details are part of something that really functions. Readers do ask questions like "Who organised those people? Who pays for it?"

 

[Kylara]

The headhopping bit itself is fine, it is just the way in which my hopping is like a bunny on steroids, hopping so much and so quickly even I get lost when I read it back!

This bit is in the bit between the beginning and middle - the only new characters are Deya and Shebar (and fleetingly the council - have met most of them before) - there is quite a bit of description of the city in the bit previous to this...

Thanks for all the feedback, I will get on with a rewrite and plop it back on here when it is done, you've all been super helpful with this most annoying part of the WiP, thanks

 

[J Riff]

Well Geoff made a good point there - make things clear, painfully clear, hit-over-the-head clear before much else happens. Do not hesitate to use a few extra words here and there, to make sentences work, it is always easier to delete than add stuff.

 

[Romana Drew]

[FONT=&quot]Kylra,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It sounds like an interesting story but the general writing style is somewhat difficult to read. There are some minor technical errors. My main comments are on general writing style. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A lot of the sentences seem overly long and complex. That can really slow down a reader. Not that you should emulate Earnest Hemingway but perhaps pay a little more attention to saying things efficiently and clearly. I have a few examples:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Your bits are in italics my comments in blue. My rewrites in black.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Veer took the lead as they entered the stone buildings of the city and led them down side streets and along covered walkways. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I have several questions about this sentence. At first, it sounds like they are going into a building, then later it sounds like they are walking down a street.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] 'Or, perish the thought, they wanted to see your reaction, and, judging from what I saw, it was very comical.' the voice seemed to find Lyx's predicament amusing.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I find dialogue works better if it is simple. Some characters talk in complex sentences but most ordinary people tend to use simpler sentences.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Or, perish the thought. They wanted to see your reaction. From what I saw, it was very comical.' The voice seemed to find Lyx's predicament amusing.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
'I said that, and my name? Well wouldn't you like to know!' the voice laughed; a mellifluous soprano, 'As to where I am, all you have to do is turn your eyes skywards,' as they looked up, the creature they saw collapsed into fits of laughter once more and sat down in midair.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Again I think this would read easier if it were not all one sentence. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'I said that, and my name? Well wouldn't you like to know!' the voice laughed; a mellifluous soprano, 'All you have to do is turn your eyes skywards.' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As they looked up, the creature collapsed into fits of laughter once more, and then sat down in midair.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Last example:
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
'Is this suitable?' she asked, then collapsed into fits of giggles as the orange wings flapped lazily and her azure hair was blown across her face. She started to walk away from them across the vast hall and called to them to follow her. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
'Is this suitable?' she asked, and then collapsed into fits of giggles. Her orange wings flapped lazily as azure hair blew across her face. She started to walk across the vast hall calling them to follow. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It really seems like a good story. I wish you the best of luck in getting it finished and hopefully published.[/FONT]