Flash fiction opening (341)

[ed9428]

Ok here it is.
My first attempt at putting something together.
I'm new to writing but not looking for soft treatment, be harsh if you have to because it is something I really want to improve.

This is a story i'm wishing to complete in about 500-600 words so I have made some cuts but hope it still flows alright.
Sometimes I feel my writing is suited to a younger audience which is fine but I would really like to start writing for an older audience so any help or opinions in this respect would be appreciated.
Thanks.

Logan was floating upside down and back to front in his seat, his bare arse facing out the cockpit window and his face where his arse should be. The gravity of Mars was no longer imposing its rule on the ship or its occupant, who was still unconscious. Making a surface launch without restraints was dangerous so Logan was lucky to be alive. He was also completely naked, though no one was around to see.

Logan’s new acquisition was a maintenance ship. A small stumpy vessel not built for comfort. The cockpit, purposeful and unappealing, contained a small U shaped console which surrounded the seat Logan was so ungracefully occupying. Several lights across the console flashed ambiguously, all surrounded by buttons and switches, few of which Logan knew the function of. So when Logan came round, with his face buried in replicated leather, it took him a few moments to remember where he was and what had just happened.

I’m off Mars.

This realization hit Logan with a guttural thump. He had never left Mars, until 2 days ago he had never left his mining sector. He was born on Mars, and that is where he was meant to die, just like the others.

Awkwardly, Logan managed to rearrange himself back into his seat, his bare skin squeaking against the cheap covering. Scanning the cockpit, Logan’s eyes were drawn to the interface screen.

DESTINATION: 1-CERES ALPHA-1

Perfect, thought Logan. A tentative grin formed.

Alpha-1 was a mining station in the asteroid belt, one of the largest stations in the solar system. A city carved into an asteroid, the perfect place for someone like Logan to disappear. However, it was going to be difficult to blend into any crowd unclothed.He needed an outfit, preferably a uniform. Being on a service ship surely he would find a spare somewhere, something to cover his identification marks as anyone who flew was either civilian or military and Logan was neither. If his identity was discovered he would be promptly arrested, then most likely executed.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I have to admit, I don't see much story here. It seems to be mostly backstory fill.

The intro, which could serve as a source of tension, instead reads as flat to myself and far too distanced - killing any tension.

IMO you need to push harder to developer tension and story even quicker in a short story than a novel, and I just don't see it in this sample.

You have elements of tension here: being knocked unconscious, going to Mars, impending death, and fear of discovery - but there is a lack of immediacy in the way you've written it which makes it fall flat and seem like none of this really matters.

For example, Logan is unconscious at the start - but it doesn't matter because he's going to Mars anyway. And then, for no apparent reason, he's stopping in the Asteroid belt to hide in the crowds.

You're not trying to draw me in here - you've put the words together but I think you need to think more carefully about what you're writing, how you are trying to engage the reader, and how you can set up and maintain tensions so that we can not only feel sympathetic for the character, but feel excited by their actions.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to give my honest impressions so that you can look again at this piece of writing and decide where you think any of the criticisms may apply.

 

[ed9428]

Thanks Brian.
Maybe I need to make my story a bit clearer also as he has left mars and travels to the asteroid belt.
I think there might be alot of info not adding much like you say.
Perhaps more internal dialogue to give some tension to what is happening?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Logan was floating upside downYou open on a passive statement - maybe lose the was, so Logan floated upside down (Mouse will be very proud of me, I don't usually notice passive stuff. ) However, it sort of suits the situation, but I still think it's a risk so early on. and back to front in his seat, his bare arse facing out the cockpit window and his face where his arse should be. The gravity of Mars was no longer imposing its rule on the ship or its occupant, who was still unconscious. Making a surface launch without restraints was dangerous so Logan was lucky to be alive. He was also completely naked, though no one was around to see.

Logan’s new acquisition was a maintenance ship. A small stumpy vessel not built for comfort. The cockpit, purposeful and unappealing, contained a small U shaped console which surrounded the seat Logan was so ungracefully occupying. Several lights across the console flashed ambiguously, all surrounded by buttons and switches, few of which Logan knew the function of. So when Logan came round, with his face buried in replicated leather, it took him a few moments to remember where he was and what had just happened.The narrator is confusing me a little. It's not Logan, but it knows what Logan knows and seems to speak with his voice at the end. If you're going to tell this the rest of the time from Logan's pov, is it worth starting at the point where he comes round and goes What the....?

I’m off Mars.

This realization hit Logan with a guttural thump. He had never left Mars, until 2 days ago he had never left his mining sector. He was born on Mars, and that is where he was meant to die, just like the others.

Awkwardly, Logan managed to rearrange himself back into his seat, his bare skin squeaking against the cheap covering. Scanning the cockpit, Logan’s eyes were drawn to the interface screen.

DESTINATION: 1-CERES ALPHA-1

Perfect, thought Logan. A tentative grin formed.

Alpha-1 was a mining station in the asteroid belt, one of the largest stations in the solar system. A city carved into an asteroid, the perfect place for someone like Logan to disappear. However, it was going to be difficult to blend into any crowd unclothed.He needed an outfit, preferably a uniform. Being on a service ship surely he would find a spare somewhere, something to cover his identification marksI'd put a comma here, it's confusing as a run on. I'm not sure how well it's supported grammatically, but I feel it's needed as anyone who flew was either civilian or military and Logan was neither. If his identity was discovered he would be promptly arrested, then most likely executed.[/QUOTE]

I thought it set up something interesting, actually. I found the use of arse a little surprising, it gave a rather Irish feel to it, but from an omni narrator, I'd have expected ass. If it's Logan's voice and he's Irish (he might be with a name like Logan) then I'd be quite happy with it. I'd definitely consider putting it all into his pov, though.

 

[Sander]

Since you asked for harsh, I'm going to be slightly harsh. Not that I'm very good at being not-harsh. Don't take it personally, it's all meant to help you.

Logan was floating upside down and back to front in his seat, his bare arse facing out the cockpit window and his face where his arse should be.I really have to think hard about how this would look. Floating...upside down...back to front...naked arse...face where his arse (repetition, would change)...just a lot of moving parts but not at all an immediately clear picture The gravity of Mars was no longer imposing its rule on the ship or its occupant, who was still unconscious. Making a surface launch without restraints was dangerous so Logan was lucky to be alive. He was also completely naked, though no one was around to see.

Logan’s new acquisition was a maintenance ship. A small stumpy vessel not built for comfort. The cockpit, purposeful and unappealing, contained a small U shaped console which surrounded the seat Logan was so ungracefully occupying. Several lights across the console flashed ambiguously, all surrounded by buttons and switches, few of which Logan knew the function of. You want to do very quick, flash fiction here. So why are you giving me all sorts of superfluous description? Get to the conflict! So when Logan came round, with his face buried in replicated leather, it took him a few moments to remember where he was and what had just happened.

I’m off Mars.

This realization hit Logan with a guttural thump. He had never left Mars, make this a full stop or a semicolon until 2 days ago he had never left his mining sector. He was born on Mars, and that is where he was meant to die, just like the others.

Awkwardly, Logan managed to rearrange himself back into his seat, his bare skin squeaking against the cheap covering. Scanning the cockpit, Logan’s eyes were drawn to the interface screen.

DESTINATION: 1-CERES ALPHA-1

Perfect, thought Logan. A tentative grin formed.

Alpha-1 was a mining station in the asteroid belt, one of the largest stations in the solar system. A city carved into an asteroid, the perfect place for someone like Logan to disappear. However, it was going to be difficult to blend into any crowd unclothed.He needed an outfit, preferably a uniform. Being on a service ship surely he would find a spare somewhere, something to cover his identification marks as anyone who flew was either civilian or military and Logan was neither. If his identity was discovered he would be promptly arrested, then most likely executed.

You only get to the source of real tension at the very end: if he arrives where he's going without clothes, he's going to be killed. This really needs to be front and center to pull the reader in. It's flash fiction, so you need to grab someone immediately. Here's your story with a whole bunch of unnecessary exposition/description cut:

Logan’s new acquisition was a maintenance ship. A small stumpy vessel not built for comfort. When Logan came round, with his face buried in replicated leather, it took him a few moments to remember where he was and what had just happened.

I’m off Mars.

This realization hit Logan with a guttural thump. He had never left Mars, until 2 days ago he had never left his mining sector. He was born on Mars, and that is where he was meant to die, just like the others.

Scanning the cockpit, Logan’s eyes were drawn to the interface screen.

DESTINATION: 1-CERES ALPHA-1

Perfect, thought Logan. A tentative grin formed.

Alpha-1 was a mining station in the asteroid belt, one of the largest stations in the solar system, the perfect place for someone like Logan to disappear. However, it was going to be difficult to blend into any crowd unclothed. He needed an outfit, preferably a uniform. Something to cover his identification marks. If his identity was discovered he would be promptly arrested, then most likely executed.

This is fairly rigorous, I'll admit. You could probably reinsert a bunch of description if necessary. But by losing a lot of the description you're not losing much (or any) of the story, and you're getting to the conflict much sooner. Wait, he's going to get killed if he gets there? Oh snap! Go find some clothes!

 

[ed9428]

Yes. Thank you, this really did need fresh eyes on it as it was getting cluttered with unnecessary junk.
Like Brian and Sander suggested this can take some big cuts and not lose much story, I need to get the tension and keep it. And like Springs says my POV and narration can get confusing. Perhaps this story will benefit swapping to 1st person intimate.
Thanks again.

 

[A. Fare Wells]

I think it's going to be difficult to get a decent story with your target of going for 600 words as you've already taken up about half your words with the above, but I don't know where you're going with it.

On the first read through, I wasn't particularly enthralled but the second read through formed a clearer picture, because I knew the situation.

As such, I'd recommend a different lead-in. Such as...

"Logan had never left Mars. He was born there, and that is where he was meant to die, just like the others. But now, here he was—naked, unconscious and floating upside down in a small maintenance ship that he had acquired by (tell how)."

Then go on by having him come to, get positioned, and tell his goal. It'll cut out a lot of wordage and the lead-in hopefully provides a better hook for the reader to want to know what happens.

Oh, and speaking personally, unless an editor/publisher has said they want a certain amount of words, never make word # your goal. The story's the goal, not the amount of words.

You're onto something good here, though. Keep working at it.