I'm throwing myself on your tender mercy's...

[Mith]

I've finally bitten the bullet and am braving the critique board and offering myself up to the wolves heheh. *bites fingernails*

So this is from my current WiP, the beginning scene in fact of an Urban Fantasy story. It's mainly dialogue, which has never been my strongest skill. There are some expletives but I have starred them out.

I guess I'd like to know how you think it flows? How does my MC come across? Would it be better not having it as an opening scene?

Enough rambling, I should let it be read now, all 527 words of it.

*****​

One

It all started with a body floating in the air.

I got the call while I was sitting down to breakfast. Breakfast on my own. The early morning sunlight slanting through the floor to ceiling windows of my apartment, forcing me to squint at my iPhone’s screen.

“Yo?” I yawned into the phone.

“Nathan Thorne?” A young voice trying to be authorative.

“Yep. Speaking. Kind of.” I scrubbed at my sleepy eyes.

“Nathan! Good! We’ve got a problem and we need you to…”

“Whoa! Wait a minute. Who the f*** is this? And why are you ringing while I’m eating my damn Weetabix?” I guess I can be kind of ratty before I get my morning meal in me!

“Erm…,” the voice was kind of diffident now.

“Yeah?” I paused, “well come on, I’ve just woke up, I’m hungry, I’m not in the mood to sit with a phone stuck to my ear!” I can be polite you know, after 10am, when I’m washed, fed and full of caffeine.

“Err, Mr Thorne, sorry to have bothered you,” an embarrassed little chuckle. “But something has happened that you need to look at.”

Oh joy I was being given a job. Barely home and able to relax, I was being asked to be Sherlock Holmes again. I could refuse, give the voice on the other end of the phone a whole load of s***, but he was just a messenger, I’d just end up feeling guilty if I ripped into him. Besides, I knew I'd end up accepting the job regardless.

“Oh for f*** sakes!” I didn’t have to be nice about accepting the job. “Tell me,” I sighed.

“Well Mr Thorne, there’s a body!”

“Now isn’t that unusual!” I rolled my eyes and mimed pointing a gun at my head.

“Well yes, yes Mr Thorne it is,” clearly sarcasm floated slightly above my callers head, possibly a good thing. “There is a dead man floating six feet off the ground.”

That got my attention. Even in my line of work bodies don’t generally tend to float around in the air. I took a swig of coffee and sat up straighter in my chair.

“Ok, I’m listening. Where?” I could almost hear the relieved smile at the other end of the line.

“Edinburgh sir,” he gave me a moment to let that sink in. “There are train tickets waiting for you at the station and the scene has been masked until you arrive.”

Edinburgh? Well at least I’d be staying in the same country this trip, so I could go up, examine the scene, make myself look good, check out the local talent and maybe end the night very pleasantly. Come to think of it, wasn’t it festival time as well?

“Looks like I’m going to Scotland then. I’ll be in touch when I get there.” I hung up without any of the usual polite goodbyes; I’ve never really grown out of general pettiness.

I gulped down the rest of my coffee, spooned up the last bit of breakfast and headed back to the bedroom. The little problem facing me now was what to wear; casual, official or auditioning for The Matrix look? I like to look good, always.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

One

It all started with a body floating in the air. [Good opening hook.]

I got the call while I was sitting down to breakfast. Breakfast on my own. [Minimize repeated words coming together so quickly. The single exception is when there's a very good reason to emphasize the emotional impact of the word. This should be very rare, and I don't think it applies here. This could be "to breakfast on my own" or "to breakfast on my own, as usual" if that's the feeling you want to convey.] The early morning sunlight slanting [should be "slanted"] through the floor to ceiling windows of my apartment, forcing me to squint at my iPhone’s screen.

“Yo?” I yawned into the phone.

“Nathan Thorne?” A young voice trying to be authorative. [authoritative]

“Yep. Speaking. Kind of.” I scrubbed at my sleepy eyes.

“Nathan! Good! We’ve got a problem and we need you to…” [Since the speaker is interrupted instead of drifting off, I would suggest a dash here and not an ellipsis.]

“Whoa! Wait a minute. Who the f*** is this? And why are you ringing while I’m eating my damn Weetabix?” I guess I can be kind of ratty before I get my morning meal in me! [Rarely use exclamation points outside of dialogue. A period here is fine.]

“Erm…,” the voice was kind of diffident now. [You were doing fine with dialogue punctuation up to here, but now you need to watch out for the difference in how you punctuate between:

"Hello," Mary said.

and

"Hello." Mary smiled.

The sentence above is the second kind, because "the voice was" is not a "said" verb. It should be:

"Erm..." The voice was kind of diffident now.

I might suggest losing "kind of" as weakening what you are saying.]

“Yeah?” I paused, “well come on, I’ve just woke up, I’m hungry, I’m not in the mood to sit with a phone stuck to my ear!” [Another dialogue punctuation problem. Should be :

"Yeah?" I paused. "Well, come on [etc.]"

I see this kind of interrupted dialogue, with a comma and then the continued speech without a capital letter, quite a bit. It seems to me that it is rarely necessary. This is technically correct:

"My name," I said, "is Mary."

but I don't see a good reason to use this construction. It always sounds awkward.]


I can be polite, you know, after 10am, when I’m washed, fed and full of caffeine.

“Err, Mr. Thorne, sorry to have bothered you,” an embarrassed little chuckle. [More dialogue punctuation trouble here. I would suggest something like:

"Err, Mr. Thorne, sorry to have bothered you." The man gave an embarrassed little chuckle. ]“But something has happened that you need to look at.”

Oh, joy. I was being given a job. Barely home and able to relax, I was being asked to be Sherlock Holmes again. I could refuse, give the voice on the other end of the phone a whole load of s***, but he was just a messenger, [I'd suggest a period and new sentence here.] I’d just end up feeling guilty if I ripped into him. Besides, I knew I'd end up accepting the job regardless.

“Oh for f*** sakes!” I didn’t have to be nice about accepting the job. “Tell me,” I sighed. [Pet peeve of mine: I don't believe that it is possible to "sigh" dialogue. Because of that, I'd suggest:

"Tell me." I sighed.]

“Well, Mr. Thorne, there’s a body!” [Exclamation points are fine in dialogue, used sparingly.]

“Now, isn’t that unusual!” I rolled my eyes and mimed pointing a gun at my head.

“Well, yes, yes [If you want the repeated yes here for emphasis, I would suggest:

"Well, yes. Yes, Mr. Thorne, it is."]

Mr Thorne it is,” [Same dialogue problem as above. This should be a period inside the quotation marks and then a new sentence outside them.]clearly sarcasm floated slightly above my callers head, possibly a good thing. “There is a dead man floating six feet off the ground.”

That got my attention. Even in my line of work bodies don’t generally tend to float around in the air. I took a swig of coffee and sat up straighter in my chair.

“Ok, I’m listening. Where?” I could almost hear the relieved smile at the other end of the line.

“Edinburgh, sir,” he gave me a moment to let that sink in. [Again, this should be a period and then a new sentence with a capitalized "He"]“There are train tickets waiting for you at the station and the scene has been masked until you arrive.”

Edinburgh? Well, at least I’d be staying in the same country this trip, so [I'd suggest droppin "so" and just starting a new sentence with "I"]I could go up, examine the scene, make myself look good, check out the local talent, and maybe end the night very pleasantly. Come to think of it, wasn’t it festival time as well?

“Looks like I’m going to Scotland then. I’ll be in touch when I get there.” I hung up without any of the usual polite goodbyes; [I would use a period. I love semi-colons, personally, but they should be used very sparingly.]I’ve never really grown out of general pettiness.

I gulped down the rest of my coffee, spooned up the last bit of breakfast, and headed back to the bedroom. The little problem facing me now was what to wear; [Same comment as above.]casual, official or auditioning for The Matrix look? I like to look good, always.

I have also added several commas where I think they are needed.

Besides my technical nitpicking, this is an interesting opening. You get right into the story. The narrator is a vivid character. I like his cynical, tired attitude to this whole "occult detective" thing. The dialogue is good. Just watch out for some technical issues and you should be fine.

 

[Mith]

Thank you for that Victoria, that was less intimidating than I imagined

Dialogue punctuation has always been a problem for me, so I've always erred towards the comma.

All advice is being implemented

 

[J Riff]

First person, often used in detective fiction, is harder than it looks. Implementing Victoria's advice rather than arguing is a very good sign. )
Watch out for partial sentences, always try and keep the narration/character voice separate and clear, it's tricky esp. when writing longer pieces.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

One

It all started with a body floating in the air.

I got the call while I was sitting down to breakfast. Breakfast on my own. The early morning sunlight slanting through the floor to ceiling windows of my apartment, forcing me to squint at my iPhone’s screen. I'll just note that there are non-grammatical sentences here.

“Yo?” I yawned into the phone.

“Nathan Thorne?” A young voice trying to be authorative.

“Yep. Speaking. Kind of.” I scrubbed at my sleepy eyes.

“Nathan! Good! We’ve got a problem and we need you to…”

“Whoa! Wait a minute. Who the f*** is this? And why are you ringing while I’m eating my damn Weetabix?” I guess I can be kind of ratty before I get my morning meal in me!

“Erm…,” the voice was kind of diffident now.

“Yeah?” I paused, “Capital W well come on, I’ve just woke up, I’m hungry, I’m not in the mood to sit with a phone stuck to my ear!” I can be polite comma? you know, after 10am, when I’m washed, fed and full of caffeine.

“Err, Mr Thorne, sorry to have bothered you,” an embarrassed little chuckle. “But something has happened that you need to look at.”

Oh joy I was being given a job. Barely home and able to relax, I was being asked to be Sherlock Holmes again. I could refuse, give the voice on the other end of the phone a whole load of s***, but he was just a messenger, Period I’d just end up feeling guilty if I ripped into him. Besides, I knew I'd end up accepting the job regardless.

“Oh for f*** sakes!” I didn’t have to be nice about accepting the job. This sentence seems redundant “Tell me,” I sighed.
I'm wondering around here why a nervous young flunky is hiring our hero.
“Well Mr Thorne, there’s a body!”

“Now isn’t that unusual!” I rolled my eyes and mimed pointing a gun at my head.

“Well yes, yes Mr Thorne it is,” clearly sarcasm floated slightly above my callers caller's head, possibly a good thing. “There is a dead man floating six feet off the ground.”

That got my attention. Even in my line of work bodies don’t generally tend to float around in the air. I took a swig of coffee and sat up straighter in my chair.

“Ok, I’m listening. Where?” I could almost hear the relieved smile at the other end of the line.

“Edinburgh sir, period ” he He gave me a moment to let that sink in. “There are train tickets waiting for you at the station and the scene has been masked until you arrive.”

Edinburgh? Well at least I’d be staying in the same country this trip, so I could go up, examine the scene, make myself look good, check out the local talent and maybe end the night very pleasantly. Come to think of it, wasn’t it festival time as well?

“Looks like I’m going to Scotland then. I’ll be in touch when I get there.” I hung up without any of the usual polite goodbyes; I’ve never really grown out of general pettiness.

I gulped down the rest of my coffee, spooned up the last bit of breakfast and headed back to the bedroom. The little problem facing me now was what to wear; casual, official or auditioning for The Matrix look? I like to look good, always.

I've nitpicked some things, mainly the punctuation, but this is a confident and readable first posting, and gives a positive impression for the rest of the story. I wondered why the person at the other end of the phone is some nervous young person rather than the expected authority figure.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Implementing Victoria's advice rather than arguing is a very good sign. )

I'll second that!

 

[Mith]

Thanks for the comments there Geoff and J Riff I've already implemented the changes to my dialogue punctuation

In regards to the nervous caller, he's not really hiring as such, he's just a messenger passing along an order. Maybe I can make that a bit clearer in the conversation.

 

[The Ace]

*Mercies * and no apostrophe.

 

[Mith]

*Slaps head hard*

~Note to self, pay attention to even the tiniest details on this here website~

Ta for that

 

[Kyza]

Very good hook, and very likeable, badass, character. Although I could see this becoming a bit too cliche if you're not careful.

Excuse if I jump around the topic a bit here.
He doesn't strike me as the kind of person to be waking up early and having breakfast, especially not cereal. Bacon butty? Yes. Cereal in a bowl with milk? No.

He also resembles somewhat of a military man, with his harsh exterior and somewhat lack of knowledge, or fluidity when dealing with the Police - in this case something like porridge would go down well with his morning brew.

 

[jastius]

instead of the comma after the 'i can be polite', i would have put a full stop or period.

i know a few people in special forces that eat weetabix by the way. but you could always have farina or cream of wheat. stodgy old cream of wheat cannot be mistaken for candypants kiddie cereal at any stretch of the imagination.

 

[mm1145]

very much my own personail opinion here and appoligies if it is the fault of a overley sentisive foruam modration not your perosnal chouice

Who the f*** is this?

can your charature speek in asterisics? I allways think that if you are going to sware (and it looks like you chr is the type who would vigrousley) they be brave enought to write it if not then don't

other than that my only other problem was we never get any identifacation of the voice on the otehr end of the phone or how he knows the main charature is he a ragular who knows to call him when they find a boddy floating in mid air (and I will say you have got my atention there) or has he got his name form somone else a little sentance giving his context for ringing him rather than anyboddy else migth be good

other than that I liked the start and it defintley got my atention

 

[A. Fare Wells]

Nothing to add that hasn't been said already, really.
Wasn't a struggle to read through it, which is always a good sign.
Believe you might have a good story on your hands.

 

[jastius]

asterisks are good until you make a decision either way and for me they stop me from making a full stop at the interruption of gratuitous blue language