Awkward he-ness

[Mouse]

Rowan spat in his face. Daniel automatically let him go to wipe spittle from his cheek and Rowan shoved him – he stumbled over Sasha and fell against the bed, quickly he snatched at Rowan, missed, and could only watch as the door closed in his face.

Help? I have so many confusing 'HE's going on in this bloody WiP! I already feel like I'm over using names, and I'm trying to avoid stuff like 'the other man/the photographer/the clairvoyant' though I have done it a little. Also, the above para's just worded stupidly and urgh.

(Sasha's a dog).

 

[alchemist]

I don't have much trouble with this. It's pretty clear who's doing what. For instance, Rowan wouldn't spit in his own face and Daniel wouldn't let himself go. I have an issue with some punctuation, maybe one He, and the QUICKLY, which you could drop. It's implied with the SNATCHED.


Rowan spat in his face. Daniel automatically let him go to wipe spittle from his cheek and Rowan shoved him –new sentencehe Danielstumbled over Sasha and fell against the bed, needs to be new sentence quickly he snatched at Rowan, missed, and could only watch as the door closed in his face.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Rowan spat. Daniel let go to wipe the spittle from his cheek and Rowan shoved, sending Daniel stumbling over Sasha. He crashed against the bed, snatched at Rowan, missed, and could only watch the door slam in his face.

??

Personally I think it's the number of actions without any emotions to break them up that makes it a little flat?

 

[Mouse]

I want it to all happen too fast for much emotion. It kinda comes out of nowhere.

 

[allmywires]

I don't think it's the number of hes that's the problem, like springs said, too much is going on at once and i reckon that's what's making it confusing.

Rowan spat in his face. Recoiling, Daniel automatically let him go; he wiped the spittle from his cheek just as Rowan shoved him. He stumbled over Sasha and fell against the bed, snatching vainly at Rowan: (this semicolon might be wrong idk) he missed and could only watch as the door closed in his face.

Can't help with the injecting of emotion though!

 

[Mouse]

No, see that makes it all too slow! (thank you, though!) I want it quick.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Would use 'instinctively' instead of 'automatically'. It's really just a case of twisting sentences round to alleviate the numbers of 'he's' and names.



How about this:

Rowan spat in his face, and as Daniel instinctively raised his hand to wipe the spittle from his cheek Rowan shoved him. Stumbling backward over Sasha he fell against the bed, and could only watch helplessly as the door was slammed shut.

 

[The Judge]

I actually got confused as to who was doing what and had to read it twice -- the "let him go to wipe spittle" line I first read as allowing "him" to wipe the spittle. How can the door shut in Daniel's face if he's against the bed? Has Rowan left? And the "could only watch" -- why? Has he lost the use of his legs?

Anyhow, my version for what it's worth:

Rowan spat in his face, then shoved him as Daniel released his grip to wipe the spittle from his cheek. Daniel stumbled over Sasha, fell against the bed, snatched at Rowan but missed, and could only watch as the door slammed.

 

[allmywires]

No, see that makes it all too slow! (thank you, though!) I want it quick.

You and your pace, chuh.

 

[Mouse]

Ok, so they're in a hotel, so the bed's literally not far from the door. This is Daniel's POV. And Daniel does get up again and open the door and run after him.

Still not working. Thanks though, guys. Might have to scrap all this bit.

 

[alchemist]

Realistically, it probably needs an exclamation.

(not changing anything else)

Rowan spat in his face.

Daniel automatically let him go to wipe spittle from his cheek. "What did --"

Rowan shoved him – he stumbled over Sasha and fell against the bed, quickly he snatched at Rowan, missed, and could only watch as the door closed in his face.

 

[Mouse]

Maybe it'll help if I include a bit more of the scene?

"I'm John now." A nasty smiled twisted Rowan's lips. "I'm warning you, pervert, get your hands off me."

Angry, Daniel slammed Rowan back against the door. "Watch your mouth," he warned. "What's wrong with you? Did the woman drug you?"

Rowan spat in his face. Daniel automatically let him go to wipe spittle from his cheek and Rowan shoved him – he stumbled over Sasha and fell against the bed, quickly he snatched at Rowan, missed, and could only watch as the door closed in his face.

"Sash, stay here!" He pushed himself up and ran after Rowan, seeing the white robe disappear around the corner. Swearing, he hurried after him, down the stairs and through reception. "Someone stop him!"

 

[martin321]

Rowan spat in his face. Daniel automatically let him go to wipe spittle from his cheek and Rowan shoved him – he stumbled over Sasha and fell against the bed, quickly he snatched at Rowan, missed, and could only watch as the door closed in his face.

Ok. Here's my attempt at this paragraph:

Rowan spat in Daniel's face, and Daniel let him go to wipe the spittle away. A shove from Rowan and he stumbled over Sasha, falling against the bed. He snatched at Rowan, missed, and could only watch as the door closed in his face.

I don't think either adverb really contributes anything, so I deleted both of them.

 

[Hex]

I have no bright thoughts (but I agree with alc about the "quickly" and the more-than-a-comma there).

You're right, I think, that finding alternatives for "he" seems to slow the pace. Um... sometimes longer sentences can feel sort of fastish? Sort of like this?

Rowan spat. Daniel recoiling, wiping spittle from his cheek, didn't expect the shove that sent him stumbling over Sasha. He smacked against the bed, twisted painfully and grabbed at Rowan's arm. Missed. The door slammed in his face.

EDIT (again) to say -- interesting point about speed and emotion. Again you're right that if it's happening fast, there's no space but also, does this section need emotion? Presumably in context, it's full of it?

(also, amw -- I thought your bit, with the "recoiled" did add emotion, though not the slowy down kind, so there )

 

[Mouse]

Yeah, Hex, that's the problem I'm having! So frustrating. I hate repeatedly using the names and especially in segments like this where I want it so urgent, the names seem to slow it right down.

Thanks, Martin.

 

[Gumboot]

I think it's the length of the second sentence that slows it down. If you want pace, you need short, simple sentences. Break that second sentence up. Also, ask how much of the detail you need. Do we really need to know he stumbled over Sasha? Or do we just need to know he was shoved, and fell against the bed? Do we need to know he missed in his grab at Rowan? Or can we determine that from what happens after? Do we need to know that Daniel could only watch as the door shut? Or again, is that sufficiently explained in the rest of the sequence?

 

[Ursa major]

This is longer eek but I think captures better (yeah, right!) the series of short actions:

Rowan spat in his face. Before he could stop himself, Daniel released his grip to wipe away the spittle. Big mistake. Rowan shoved him; Daniel stumbled over Sasha and fell against the bed. He snatched at Rowan, missed, and was left watching the door close in his face.

 

[Mouse]

I re-jigged it last night a little and got:

Rowan spat in his face. Daniel let him go to wipe spittle from his cheek and Rowan shoved him – he stumbled over Sasha and fell against the bed, quickly he snatched out, missed, and could only watch as the door closed in his face.[FONT=&quot]

I wanted helplessness, so that's what the watching the door bit is about. But anyway, Ursa's feels closest to what I'm after. I think.
Thanks all!
[/FONT]

 

[sknox]

I'd say you could drop Sasha. He's been shoved, so he stumbles. No need to kick the dog.

Also, here's another vote for losing the adverbs. No need for "automatically" or for "quickly". It's a fast-paced scene, so you don't need extra verb juice.

 

[Mouse]

The dog stays. I want it so she's close/protective of Daniel. It's very important for later in the story.