Cosmic Geoff
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2012
- Messages
- 460
You’re probably getting fed up with this topic by now,
but here is a different take on the opening scene. This is probably less hooky than the other, but in a way I think it’s more me. I don’t know which is better, though. If you detect a faintly humorous or ironic tone, it does surface from time to time in the rest of the story.
You’ll note that I have scrapped the typical city gate scene entirely, and replaced it with a half-liner.
Book II – City
Chapter 1
On the horizon, Starsin saw a new thing. It raised itself out of the cultivated plain and became a wall.
Starsin thought to himself that this was like the beginning of a story, where the hero and his four companions ride towards a fine walled city where they will have a new adventure. He wasn't sure about the hero, but he did have four companions, the tall, thin adventuress Lannaira, the restless, blonde village girl Shell, the Northern chieftain's daughter Ussha, now sadly maimed, and the tribal man Rurnik who had come from the North with Ussha. And their sho'ats were on the road that led to the northern gate of Chazu, the Virnals' eastern capital.
While in the hands of the slavers, he had fervently wished that he was in Chazu, and now its walls were taking shape before his eyes. He wondered if he was less likely to be murdered here than anywhere else. Lannaira, slim sword strapped to her belt, didn't seem to think so.
The road crossed the moat by a permanent bridge of wood. A pair of arches divided the road under a squat stone tower; part of Chazu's outer defensive wall. All three women in Starsin's party wore loose jackets and trews that hid their figures. Of the the first two one was fair the other dark; the third following behind had short reddish hair.
The woman with short red hair kneed her animal to close up with him.
Ahead was some delay, a congestion of people and carts. Voices shouted, urging the travellers forward. Carts creaked into motion. He looked up. Some way inside the city, three slim towers with shafts of a startling turquoise blue soared into the sky. A large object, a kind of kite, waved above the top of each.
The hooves of their six-legged sho'ats drummed on the planks of the bridge.
After the obligatory city gate and guards scene, they rode on, into the sunlight and noise of a city street.
Starsin looked around him. He had not expected to see open spaces within the city, where plots of vegetable crops adjoined low buildings, and where water glinted in ditches. Further off, there were ornately planted parks and gardens, and beyond, where he meant to go, lay shining domed roofs of palaces or temples. At any rate, it was different from the Western capital, Calah.
Lannaira's attention was caught by a column of smoke drifting across an open plot, and she urged her sho'at towards it. Starsin felt obliged to follow. At a line of flags on cord which barred their way, she stopped, dismounted and ducked under it. Starsin felt a sharp, unhealthy odour tickle his nose.
"What, it's one of those things? And inside the city?"
The depression was three feet across, crusted and black, and in the middle hot cinders glowed and smoked. Down a crack yellow heat sparkled. There was a mixed smell of burnt organics and hot mineral. Lannaira fumbled in her jacket and pulled out a crumpled paper. She ran her finger down the text, then, pointing at the hole, began to read from the paper. The words made no sense to her companions.
Starsin tried to guess her motives. Saying a prayer? Quoting some ancient poem? No, she must be trying to discover something about the burning-pit. Their three companions still looked bemused. Ussha, the deaf-mute girl, was waving away the fumes with one sun-browned hand, her tanned face screwed up in an exaggerated expression of disgust.
but here is a different take on the opening scene. This is probably less hooky than the other, but in a way I think it’s more me. I don’t know which is better, though. If you detect a faintly humorous or ironic tone, it does surface from time to time in the rest of the story.You’ll note that I have scrapped the typical city gate scene entirely, and replaced it with a half-liner.
********************************
Book II – City
Chapter 1
On the horizon, Starsin saw a new thing. It raised itself out of the cultivated plain and became a wall.
Starsin thought to himself that this was like the beginning of a story, where the hero and his four companions ride towards a fine walled city where they will have a new adventure. He wasn't sure about the hero, but he did have four companions, the tall, thin adventuress Lannaira, the restless, blonde village girl Shell, the Northern chieftain's daughter Ussha, now sadly maimed, and the tribal man Rurnik who had come from the North with Ussha. And their sho'ats were on the road that led to the northern gate of Chazu, the Virnals' eastern capital.
While in the hands of the slavers, he had fervently wished that he was in Chazu, and now its walls were taking shape before his eyes. He wondered if he was less likely to be murdered here than anywhere else. Lannaira, slim sword strapped to her belt, didn't seem to think so.
The road crossed the moat by a permanent bridge of wood. A pair of arches divided the road under a squat stone tower; part of Chazu's outer defensive wall. All three women in Starsin's party wore loose jackets and trews that hid their figures. Of the the first two one was fair the other dark; the third following behind had short reddish hair.
The woman with short red hair kneed her animal to close up with him.
Ahead was some delay, a congestion of people and carts. Voices shouted, urging the travellers forward. Carts creaked into motion. He looked up. Some way inside the city, three slim towers with shafts of a startling turquoise blue soared into the sky. A large object, a kind of kite, waved above the top of each.
The hooves of their six-legged sho'ats drummed on the planks of the bridge.
After the obligatory city gate and guards scene, they rode on, into the sunlight and noise of a city street.
Starsin looked around him. He had not expected to see open spaces within the city, where plots of vegetable crops adjoined low buildings, and where water glinted in ditches. Further off, there were ornately planted parks and gardens, and beyond, where he meant to go, lay shining domed roofs of palaces or temples. At any rate, it was different from the Western capital, Calah.
Lannaira's attention was caught by a column of smoke drifting across an open plot, and she urged her sho'at towards it. Starsin felt obliged to follow. At a line of flags on cord which barred their way, she stopped, dismounted and ducked under it. Starsin felt a sharp, unhealthy odour tickle his nose.
"What, it's one of those things? And inside the city?"
The depression was three feet across, crusted and black, and in the middle hot cinders glowed and smoked. Down a crack yellow heat sparkled. There was a mixed smell of burnt organics and hot mineral. Lannaira fumbled in her jacket and pulled out a crumpled paper. She ran her finger down the text, then, pointing at the hole, began to read from the paper. The words made no sense to her companions.
Starsin tried to guess her motives. Saying a prayer? Quoting some ancient poem? No, she must be trying to discover something about the burning-pit. Their three companions still looked bemused. Ussha, the deaf-mute girl, was waving away the fumes with one sun-browned hand, her tanned face screwed up in an exaggerated expression of disgust.
